


Lights in the Sky

by Vorcha_Girl



Category: Mass Effect
Genre: Aftermath of Torture, Canon-Typical Violence, Explicit Sexual Content, F/M, Falling In Love, Fluff and Smut, Gore, Love, Romance, Sex, Sexual Content, Shameless Smut, Smut, Torture
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2014-06-08
Updated: 2016-04-25
Packaged: 2018-02-03 20:21:49
Rating: Explicit
Warnings: Graphic Depictions Of Violence
Chapters: 81
Words: 343,069
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/1756215
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Vorcha_Girl/pseuds/Vorcha_Girl
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>James Vega had dreamed about Rennah Shepard for years and always hoped to meet her, but when he's tasked with keeping her safe on Earth he gets more than he bargained for; she's argumentative, stubborn and sexy as sin. Joining the crew of the Normandy, fighting the Reapers and falling in love was never part of the plan... (Cover Art by DStPierre)</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. Mostly Gone

**Author's Note:**

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_Disclaimer: I don't own Mass Effect_

**A/N – I came up with the idea for this fic halfway through writing Burn, because James Vega is just far too sexy for his own good and he needed a story of his own. I planned the story of this fic while listening to the song 'Lights in the Sky' by NIN, thus the title. The lyrics fit nicely too.**

**I update one or twice a week depending on how busy I am with work and life. I'm staying mostly canon with ME3 events, however I'm throwing a few twists into this fic with my Shepard's background with the Reds! I hope you enjoy it – reviews/comments/feedback is always loved!**

* * *

Rennah Shepard's intense violet gaze simmered as she looked up at James, her heavy lidded eyes pleading. She shifted under him and her slender hand gripped his wrist with more strength that he would have guessed she possessed, especially given her slim build. God, she was stunning! With glossy black hair like liquid silk, eyes that were a shockingly bright indigo and skin that was as smooth and pale as alabaster, she was like something out of his dreams.

 _How on earth had they wound up like this?_ James wondered as he stared down into her eyes, his huge frame covering hers. Her red lips, only inches from his, were slightly parted and their bodies were tangled together on the floor next to the couch. It was exhilarating and dangerous all at the same time. He'd never allowed himself this close to her before and adrenaline surged madly through his body as she tightened her grip on him.

"James, please!" She pleaded softly, her voice a low whisper as she wriggled beneath him and focused the weight of her personality into her gaze. "Give it to me."

"I can't, Commander." James forced himself to look away from those almost inhuman eyes and glanced around the room, his dark eyes scanning for any sign of company. Their current position was precarious at best and if someone did stumble across them they'd be in a shitload of trouble, that was for sure. It didn't help matters that he was having trouble concentrating with her under him. He wanted to give her what she wanted, wanted to do it more than she probably imagined he did, but there were regulations to follow and the risk of getting in trouble was too high.

Besides, he could handle this _without_ her help.

He raised himself up on his forearms, intending to get up, and Shepard hissed in pain as he inadvertently let some of his weight fall on her. Her eyelids fluttered shut and she caught her lower lip between her teeth as she swallowed a groan. A thick wet warmth spread between them and James felt her body tremble as she wiggled a hand between them. _He'd hurt her!_ Guiltily, he looked away and hoped that she wasn't going to hold it against him. Shepard was always acting tough but she was made of flesh and blood like him.

Well ... she was _mostly_ made of flesh and blood.

"Jesus, that hurts." Shepard muttered and narrowed her eyes to glare at him angrily, her nails digging into his wrist with enough force that she drew blood. "Now get the fuck off me and give me a goddamned gun, _Lieutenant_!"

"I already told you; _I can't_." James growled at her, cursing in Spanish as gunfire started up and he covered Shepard's body with his own.

He could hear Batarian mercenaries calling out to each other in the compound and though he and Shepard had taken cover behind a couch, it wasn't going to offer much protection from direct shots. The gunfire grew louder and bullets hammered into the room, deafening James as someone fired directly above their heads. The windows behind them exploded with glass, showering him in slivers of razor sharp glass. Shepard swore loudly enough under him that he heard her over the shots, and he caught a glimpse of her face, twisted in pain, as she tried to stem the bleeding of the gunshot wound on her chest.

He glanced down at her in concern and blinked in surprise; _fury_ radiated from her in waves, and her biotics flared up around them as she lost control of her famous temper. His skin attempted to crawl off his body as her power flowed over him, and with a sinking heart he realised that Rennah had no intention of following his orders and lying their quietly while he saved them. She was a fighter through and though, just like he was, and she was intending to fight her was free with him. She met his eyes, burning azure blue searing into chocolate brown, and it was all James could do not to look away.

"If you're not going to give me a gun, then get off me and fire back!" She growled as she pushed at him with her free hand. "One of the bastards is crouched by the door."

"How do you know?" He carefully took his weight off her and glanced at the broken windows behind them, idly wondering if he should be more worried about someone coming through it.

Shepard coughed blood and James' attention immediately zipped back to her in concern as several ruby droplets splattered on her chin. "Line of fire," she grated. "Look, just shoot them, Vega! I'll stay down!"

_Like hell you will!_

They were out of options though and James carefully crawled off Shepard, his heart thumping hard in his chest as he saw the huge spread of blood around her body. Her shirt, hand and arm were coated thickly in bright red, and the cream coloured carpet would never be the same again. _I didn't know she'd lost so much,_ he thought guiltily as he hunkered down behind the couch with his gun at the ready.

It was no one's fault that Rennah had been shot, but with no armour or weapons she'd been a sitting duck when the batarians blasted their way into the compound. She was fortunate that she hadn't been killed outright and he was lucky that he'd been close by to drag her to safety when the fighting started up, although Shepard had tried to stay and fight. That hadn't surprised him; he'd learnt over the last few months that Rennah Shepard was not the kind of woman to back down from anything.

She determinedly sat up and glared at him, her biotic flare growing unbearably bright as she focused her power and pressed herself into the couch. If James didn't know she'd been shot, he might have been fooled by her show of power, but when he looked closely she was trembling slightly and her breathing was wet and slightly wheezy. The bullet must have hit one of her lungs, James decided as he tore his gaze off her and tried to focus on the task at hand, which was easier said than done when he didn't believe for a moment that she would actually stay in cover.

He peered over the top of the couch and saw a Batarian crouched by the door, his assault rifle up and ready as he scanned the room for movement. James fired off a few rounds, compensating for the familiar the kickback from his sidearm, and ducked back behind the couch. The mercenary roared in pain as the shots found their target and he fired wildly at the couch, bullets ripping through the fabric and whizzing past James' head.

Shepard caught his eye, winked at him and rolled out from cover before he could stop her, throwing a brilliant burst of biotic energy at the batarian. The blast slammed him into the wall but with a strangled cry of pain he scrambled to his feet, his attention on Shepard. _Oh no you don't!_ James thought as he emptied his thermal clip into the mercs four-eyed head, determined to protect his wayward prisoner. The batarian's head exploded in a spray of blood, bone and brains, and he toppled heavily to the floor.

"James …" Shepard murmured his name softly as she slumped against a wall and crumpled to the floor with a small sound, an ugly smear of blood trailing across the white paint as she fell.

She leaned forward and gasped for breath, her long dark hair falling like a curtain in front of her face. Using her biotics when she was injured had cost her dearly and James hoped she had the good sense to stay down until he cleared the compound. He flicked his eyes from her to the door way as he edged closer. He could hear something in the hallway, but he wasn't sure if it was friend or foe.

He checked the dead batarian than cautiously made his way over to Rennah, only too aware that there were more enemies nearby and his gunfire would draw them to him. The back of his neck prickled as he moved closer and he looked up to see Shepard watching him. She pushed her hair out of her face with a trembling hand and and blood dribbled from the corner of her mouth, the red bright as cherries against her pale skin ...

"Freeze, human!"

James' stomach sank and he cursed himself for allowing himself to get distracted as one of the batarians appeared in door with his gun raised. The merc was breathing hard, his armour was shattered and he was so focused on him that he didn't see Shepard lying on the floor. He _did_ see his dead comrade splattered on the other side of the room and he growled as he popped a thermal clip, his face twisting in fury as he glared at James.

There wasn't time to be afraid the batarian squeezed the trigger and a loud shot rang out, nor time for James to brace him himself for the inevitable pain. Instead he found himself enveloped in a blue aura as Shepard slammed into him with crushing force, her charge knocking them both to the ground. He wrapped an arm around her waist as they rolled to the floor and fired a round at the merc; the shot hitting him squarely in the face.

The batarian dropped heavily to the ground with half his face missing and James gently rolled Shepard off him and sat up. That had been close. Too close. One more second and the frustration of having to guard Commander Shepard would have been the least of him problems!

"Thanks, Shepard …" His voice dried up as she slumped bonelessly on the carpet, the way only the dead or unconscious did. "Commander? Oh shit, no!"

Her face was a mask of blood and as James brushed her hair to the side, he saw that she'd taken a shot to the head. _No no no!_ Frantically, he felt for a pulse with trembling hands and sagged in relief when a weak rhythm throbbed feebly against his fingers. _She was still alive!_ He whipped his shirt off and used it to stem the bleeding, his brown eyes desperate as he pressed it to her head.

"Please let it be a flesh wound."

* * *

"What the hell happened, Lieutenant Vega?" Admiral Anderson looked angrier than Vega had ever seen him, and he'd seen him _really_ angry on plenty of occasions lately. Each time he came from a Defence Committee meeting with Shepard he seemed angrier than the time before.

James shifted slightly but remained standing to attention, his eyes trained firmly on the wall opposite as he kept his arms rigidly by his sides. How much did Anderson already knew about the situation that had occurred today? Did he want a blow by blow account or did he just want to know _how_ it had happened? The truth was that the batarian raid had taken them all by surprise and none of their scenarios had anticipated a well armed group of batarian mercs with a gunship.

Besides, the only reason things had gone so pear shaped was because Rennah Shepard was too stubborn for her own good!

"The Batarian mercenaries used an unmarked gunship to blast in the rear wall of the compound. They came in fast and hard and took out Hooper and Kayley before we knew they were even there." James kept his voice emotionless as he recounted the facts, trying not to dwell on the deaths of men who he had come to regard as friends over the last few months. "I got Shepard and tried to get her to the safe room while Rhykar and Sila held them off. A few got past them and Shepard got hit in the chest and went down. I dragged her in to the nearest room and we took cover …"

"Really? So how is it that I have Shepard in a military hospital with a gunshot wound to the chest _and_ head?" Anderson's voice thundered through the room and James fought not to flinch. He'd been chewed out plenty of times before, but Anderson took it to a whole new level.

"She wanted a gun to help fight. I refused and told her to stay down because she was hurt. When I fired at one of the batarians who followed us, Shepard rolled out from cover to use some sort of biotic-blast _thing_ ..."

"Biotic blast-thing?" Anderson shook his head as the rage left his voice and he chuckled drily at James' ignorance.

"I'm not really familiar with biotic terms, Sir." James began to sweat as he wondered if the Admiral thought he was an idiot. "I took out the batarian and Shepard went down again. I thought she was out for good. Another merc came through the door and fired at me, but Shepard charged and knocked me out of the way. That's how she took the bullet."

For a moment there was silence.

_Horrible, horrible silence._

"Are you telling me, Lieutenant Vega," Anderson came to a stop in front of him and met his eyes, "that the woman you were assigned to guard and keep safe from harm, is in the hospital because _she_ was protecting _you_?"

An awkward silence fell and Vega swallowed hard as his face blushed red. "Yes, Sir."

Abruptly, the older man chuckled and waved his hand for James to sit. "At ease, Lieutenant Vega, take a seat."

He sat behind his desk and dragged a hand down his weary face, as though wiping away his exhaustion. He seemed older now that he wasn't yelling, tired too, as though his concern for Shepard had drained his energy. James could sympathise; guarding Shepard was chaotic at best.

Memories of the first time Anderson brought him to this office flicked through his mind in a flash of embarrassment, awe and pride. He'd been uncomfortable about meeting Shepard. Yes, she was his hero, but she was also the reason for a lot of his self-doubt. All those colonists that he'd sacrificed on Fehl Prime had died for nothing because of _her_. _Dios_ , he knew it wasn't actually her fault and and that her actions had stopped the Collector attacks, but it made everything he did in vain.

His job was simple; protect Commander Shepard from all threats. Officially he was there as a guard to stop her escaping, but it was clear after a few minutes in Shepard's company that she had no intention of going anywhere. She'd come to the Alliance of her own free will and had handed her ship over to them; she planned to face the music.

After a few meetings with Anderson, Hackett and Shepard, James knew that most of the upper brass and Defense Committee members not only believed Shepard's claims that the Reapers were coming, but that her trial was mostly for show; a gesture to appease the batarians. The consequences of the hearing would be real enough, but it was unlikely that Shepard would actually be incarcerated or deported to batarian space as the media was claiming.

He also learned the truth of Shepard's whereabouts over the past two years, although he still felt sick when he thought about it; she'd been dead. Clinically dead. Somehow the terrorist organisation Cerberus managed to bring her back and enlist her help in fighting the Collectors. The amount of money poured into bringing the Commander back from the dead was frightening, but it had paid off in the end for humanity; she'd stopped the Collectors.

Cerberus hadn't taken her defection lightly and they tried on several occasions to seize the Normandy and hijack the transport Shepard was on. The attempts failed, but by the time she was brought back to Earth, Hackett decided that she needed round the clock protection. Shepard had to be protected at all costs, even if that meant sacrificing lives. There weren't many people who had spoken to a Reaper, let alone faced one down, but Shepard had and the Alliance needed her.

His chest still tightened in embarrassment when he remembered the moment he'd come face to face with Shepard for the first time. He'd made a complete idiot out of himself as he floundered to say something remotely intelligent, all because the only thing going through his head was that she was insanely beautiful and the recruitment posters hadn't done her justice. Calling him a fan of Shepard's was putting it _mildly_. In truth, she was everything he wanted to be and it didn't hurt that she was very easy on the eyes.

Okay, maybe he had the _tiniest_ of crushes on her.

It wasn't just that Shepard was gorgeous, it was the force of personality in her gaze that seemed to reach into his head and shake him to his core. When she turned those violet eyes on him, it was like being studied by a jungle cat who couldn't decide whether or not she wanted to eat him. Shepard was like no one he'd ever met and he realised that although he'd followed her career closely, he knew nothing of the woman behind the name. In the end she'd looked at him hard and then nodded at Anderson, and that was that.

She'd accepted him.

Unfortunately, despite the innocuousness of their first meeting, things hadn't gone smoothly and they'd started arguing almost immediately. Shepard was furious to discover a camera in her bedroom and had railed against it angrily. To make matters worse she resented not being able to have her weapon or omni-tool and seemed to hold James responsible. From that day on, she'd taken an almost malicious pleasure in outfoxing him at the oddest of moments.

Like the time all hell had broken loose when the camera in her room went down and she vanished. He could still remember the fear that had gripped him when he found her room empty and assumed someone had slipped in and taken her. The camera in the hallway showed no one leaving her room, yet somehow she turned up in the lounge room a few minutes later, sitting on the couch and looking far too pleased with herself. When he demanded to know what she'd done to camera, his anger and embarrassment barely contained, she'd feigned innocence and _smirked_ at him.

That had been the start.

Shepard's unexplained disappearances and mysterious camera outages became a frustratingly regular occurrence in the compound. It drove him mad. She  managed to procure omni-tools almost at will and, when he confiscated them, she seemed to have no trouble getting more. But what got to him the most was that Shepard was _nice_ her other guards; it was only him that she went out of her way to irritate.

He glowered at the memory and jumped when Admiral Anderson cleared his throat, "Lieutenant Vega, I gave you this job for two reasons. Because you proved on Fehl that you can make tough decisions and because I trust you to put Shepard first." He sighed and rubbed the back of his neck tiredly. "Unfortunately, both Sila and Rhykar have reported that you and Shepard are struggling to get along. So I'm going to ask you a question and I want you to give it some serious thought; do you want to be transferred to a new assignment? I can't risk Shepard's safety if you're not one hundred percent committed to protecting her."

_Leave Shepard?_

The idea of waking up and not seeing her each day bothered him more than it should have, and he shook his head without hesitation. "I don't want to be transferred, sir. I'm fully committed to keeping Shepard safe."

"Good to know." Anderson looked pleased and turned his attention to the computer in front of him. "You'll be pleased to know that Shepard's out of the operating theatre and in recovery. The bullet in her chest nicked a lung but the damage wasn't as bad as the doctors first thought, and the bullet to her head was only a flesh wound. Looks like she lucked out."

_And so did you. Vega._

What Anderson didn't say hovered unspoken in the air between them and James nodded as he replied, "Good to hear. Should I report to the hospital?"

"No. Go back to the compound and get Shepard's gear. We're going to move her to a room at Alliance HQ where it's safer." The Admiral tapped a few buttons on his omni-tool and it beeped obligingly. "Dismissed."

"Yes sir." James glanced down at his Alliance shirt, stiff with Shepard's dried blood, and saluted before he pivoted and left the office, glad to be away from the brass.

It was a miracle that he and Rennah had both walked away from the attack today. If she hadn't knocked him out of the way he would have died in that room, he knew it as surely as he knew the sun would rise the next day. Shepard had saved his life even though she didn't like him. And even though she was frustrating and stubborn as a mule, he was glad he was staying on with her.

He didn't want to think about it too closely, but if he'd been transferred he would have missed her smirking face and carried the memory strange violet eyes with him for the rest of his life.

* * *

**A/N – Slow start, I'm sorry, but I'm letting this one build up to a nice simmer before I turn up the heat. Let me know what you think - I'd love some feedback on my first Vega/Shep fic!**


	2. Some Other Place

_Disclaimer: I don't own Mass Effect. Not even a little bit. Not even at all._

**A/N – Thank you to the people who have read and reviewed. Your feedback and comments are encouraging and I appreciate them! ^_^**

* * *

James relieved the Alliance soldier who had been standing guard inside Shepard's hospital room and closed the door behind him quietly. Rennah lay on the bed asleep with her head bandaged; a drip still hooked up to her arm and a heart monitor beeping softly beside her. She looked a little bit like a fairy tale Snow White with her jet black hair, ruby red lips and skin as pale as snow. It was hard to believe that this delicate looking woman was the great Commander Shepard; she looked completely defenceless.

"You keep staring at me Jimmy and you're going to make me blush."

James jumped as her eyes flicked open and her violet eyes found his and pinned him to the spot momentarily, then he cleared his throat and sat down in a chair, feeling oddly like a teenage boy caught perving on one of the hot girls at school. "I, uh, sorry, Commander."

"Lose the commander, Vega." Rennah muttered sleepily as she pulled her eyes away and shifted uncomfortably in the bed, glancing in irritation at the drip in her arm. She seemed like she was still partly doped up from the anaesthetic as she began tugging at the various tubes and wires stuck to her. She pulled out the cannula and tossed it to the side carelessly as she added, "It's just Shepard or Rennah these days."

"Should you be doing that?" James leaned back in his chair and tried to decide if he was amused or concerned as Shepard ignored him and began peeling the heart monitor electrodes off her chest.

Immediately the heart monitor began squealing in alarm and within seconds the room was full of nurses and doctors, all of whom converged on Shepard like a swarm of locusts. James grinned as Rennah began yelling at the staff, ranting about getting the goddamned tubes out of her arm because they were annoying and getting the electrodes off of her goddamned chest because they made her itch. The doctors seemed used to dealing with angry Alliance soldiers though, and didn't put up with it any of it; within minutes they had put things right and begun retreating from the room and Shepard's ineffectual wrath.

After calm had been restored and the last of the medical personal had been escorted from the room, James could only chuckle as Shepard lay back on the bed like ruffled cat, scowling angrily at the drip they'd put back into her arm and the electrodes which they'd stuck back on her chest. When she heard him laughing she glanced back at him again, and for a second he thought she was going to throw something at him, but instead she smiled and flopped back onto the pillows.

"God, I hate hospitals. Remember the good old days when they'd just pump you full of medigel and send you on your merry way?" She glowered up at the ceiling and sighed in frustration, letting her head fall to the side and switching her attention to James, her face softening and looking strangely serious. "I wanted to thank you for getting me out of the compound earlier. If you hadn't been there I'm not sure if I would have made it."

"Thank me?" James spluttered and sat forward in his chair. _What the hell was she talking about?_ She'd saved his life, not the other way around! "Shepard, you saved my life and got yourself shot in the process. I should be thanking you."

Rennah went to shake her head and winced, "No way, Lieutenant. When they came in and shot Hooper and Kayley, they went for me next. You got me out and kept me safe." Her eyes darkened and a brief wave of sadness passed over her like a shadow. He could tell that the deaths of two of the two men weighed on her heavily. "I'm ashamed to admit it, but I didn't even know they were there until they'd killed them."

She sighed again and looked at one of the windows, her jaw clenched and one hand balling into a fist. The anger and frustration working its way through her was like a living breathing thing, and James finally understood that Shepard wasn't quite as unaffected by her situation as she seemed. The playful joking Rennah that he saw each day was a farce; whatever she was really feeling she was keeping buried. This was his first glimpse of the real Rennah Shepard and, even lying injured in a hospital bed with two gunshot wounds, she looked so angry it sent shivers down his spine.

"There wasn't anything you could have done, Rennah." James wasn't sure what prompted him to use her first name, since he usually avoided it; it usually felt too personal.

She flicked her gaze back at him, her indigo eyes burning with bitterness, "Of course there wasn't. Because I'm stuck here on Earth; _helpless_. I can't do anything to help anyone, let alone myself."

He wasn't sure what to say; this was the first time since meeting her that he felt like he was finally seeing the real Commander Shepard and it was strangely enlightening. The woman in front of him was passionate and angry. She wanted to be out fighting, not locked inside a cage with guards. No wonder she resented him; to her he was just another person standing in her way. He watched in fascination as she seemed to gather up her anger and swallow it back inside of her.

"Thanks for having my back, Vega. I know this probably isn't your dream assignment." Shepard closed her eyes for a second and when she opened them the anger was gone and the mask was back in place. She looked genuinely surprised when James started laughing at her comment, and then looked puzzled. "What? What did I say?"

"Nothing." James shook his head, wondering how he could ever explain to Shepard that this assignment was the best thing that had ever happened to him. True, Shepard wasn't what he'd expected her to be, but even he wasn't sure what he'd really expected. Shepard had been his idol; his dream. He'd never stopped to actually think about Shepard the person until he'd met her. "I've just always been a bit of a fan of yours. I always looked up to you."

Shepard blinked and half sat up at that, before hissing in pain and sliding back onto the bed, for the briefest of seconds he saw her start to smile before she stopped herself, "A fan?" She sounded genuinely bemused and James felt himself flush as her voice dropped to an amused drawl, "And I thought you didn't like me."

He flushed even more at that; had be really come across as being that unfriendly? All he'd wanted to do was be professional and do his job. He'd been trying to impress Shepard, not make her think he disliked her. He opened his mouth to say something and then closed it again as Shepard's eyes twinkled and she grinned at him; the first real smile she'd ever given him. It made something low in his stomach twist to see her looking at him with real warmth. He smile was enchanting and in an instant he understood why Hooper, Kayley, Rhykar and Sila had all fallen under its spell.

He forced himself to snap out of it and returned her grin, managing to look slightly bashful, "Let's just leave it at that, okay? If I say anything else I'll just embarrass myself."

Rennah chuckled again and looked pleased, "You're not getting out of it that easy, Vega. So, if you're actually my biggest fan…"

"I never said that!" James felt himself going red, but Shepard ignored him and kept talking,

"…then why are you always so grumpy with me?"

"Grumpy?!" James knew she was baiting him, but he couldn't help but rise to the bait, "This is coming from you? The woman who vanishes like a ghost and then acts as though nothing has happened?"

Shepard blinked at him innocently, "I don't know what you're talking about."

He narrowed his eyes at her, knowing she was still playing with him, but this was as friendly as they'd ever been and as frustrating as he found her, he was enjoying their banter. Whether her change in attitude was because they'd saved each other's lives or because she was still doped up from her operation, he didn't know. But it was refreshing, and unexpected, to have Shepard actually talking to him properly, instead of acting as though he wasn't there.

Her beautiful eyes twinkled at him and he knew she was about to embarrass him again, "Okay, so tell me what I did that impressed you so much?" When James began to frown she switched on her smile again, "For real, I'm curious. The only other self-confessed fans I've met have been lunatics, and you don't seem like a lunatic."

"Uh, thanks." Vega wasn't sure if she was complimenting him or mocking him, but he decided to give her an honest answer. "I suppose part of is that you're the media face of the Alliance military. It's not hard to start following your exploits when they trumpet them at the grunts in an attempt to inspire us. "

"Is that all?" She sounded disappointed and glanced away, "I thought there would be a little something else to the story than just media brainwashing."

"Well, there is. You're incredible," James realised what he'd said and quickly corrected himself, "an incredible soldier, I mean. You've never given up, even when the odds were stacked against you. You survived Akuze and the battle of the Citadel; and everything you and your crew did on the Normandy was amazing. You're the stuff of legends. You can't blame a guy for being impressed."

Shepard watched him as he spoke and her eyes narrowed as they focused hard on his face. When he was finished speaking she flicked her hand dismissively, "I'm nothing special. I'm just another soldier. "

"You might think that, Shepard, but it's not going to make it true. You're unique and amazing; you inspire more people than you can imagine. "

"God, now I _am_ going to blush." Shepard made light of his comment, and though she didn't blush, she was smiling a strange half smile and seemed pleased, if a little embarrassed. "I honestly thought you didn't really like me. Anderson gave me some of the details about Fehl Prime, and I just assumed..." She trailed off and met his eyes again, seeming to look into him rather than at him. It was a strange feeling.

James wasn't sure how to react to her comments about Fehl Prime, especially since he wasn't sure how much she knew. He didn't like talking about it all that much; he'd lost so many good friends that his heart ached now to even think about it. It wasn't like he blamed Shepard for being stopping the Collectors, but it had hurt knowing that everything he'd done had been in vain. Shepard had saved the day again and all he'd done was manage to get thousands of people killed.

"It must have been horrible." She looked sympathetic and her face seemed drawn again, as though she was remembering horrors of her own. "The Collectors and what they did to people was..." Her voice caught in her throat and Rennah closed her eyes briefly and swallowed.

Vega leaned forward and awkwardly took her hand, not sure what else to do, except hold it gently while she came to terms with whatever it was she remembered. He could tell she was fighting back tears and it made something in his chest tighten to see her so emotional. He gave her hand a gentle squeeze and felt her squeeze back, her eyes slowly opening again as she focused on his face. She looked so sad, like there was something broken inside of her that she couldn't fix.

"When I went through the relay and saw what they were doing to the people from the colonies that they abducted...it was horrible. I tried not to think about it or focus on it, but they were liquefying people alive in these tubes. Some of them were awake and the sounds they made when they died…" Her hand gripped his tighter and she shook her head slowly, as though struggling for control. "No one deserves to die like that, let alone innocent people."

James tried very hard not to think of the colonists on Fehl Prime, especially not of April who had only been a kid and hadn't deserved to die so young. If only he hadn't made so many bad decisions; firing the cannons at only half power and then choosing to save Treeya and the intel over the colonists. None of it had mattered ultimately; everything he'd done had been useless.

"There was nothing I could have done." Shepard brought him from his thoughts, her own eyes looking at him as though she knew exactly what was going on inside his head. "I mean, I could have stayed there and tried to save as many as I could, but I had to do what was right for the greater good."

"Sometimes there is no right decision, is there?" James got what Shepard was saying to him, without actually saying the words out loud; she understood how it felt to be forced to make a decision you regretted, a choice that would cost lives.

She'd made that decision in the Bahak System when she'd destroyed the Alpha Relay; knowing it would cost hundreds of thousands of lives. She'd weighed her choices, made her decision and now she was sticking by it, even though it must have felt like the world had turned against her. Even James had questioned Shepard's motives when he'd first heard what had happened, although he'd known that she would have a reason for it. He'd believed in her, which was why he was sitting here with her now instead of still gambling on Omega.

Shepard glanced at him again and yawned as she settled back on her bed, clearly intending to sleep. James watched her for a moment, feeling the familiar sense of pride that he was the one guarding her. Commander Shepard, an N7 officer and a legend in her own right, was lying only a few feet away from him and he was the person responsible for keeping her safe. Once he would have given anything to even meet her, and now he was working alongside of her. It felt right to be here with her, even if it was under less than pleasant circumstances.

James was about to turn the lights down so she could sleep, when he remembered something strange, "Hey, Shepard?"

"What?" Rennah mumbled sleepily, one hand itching at one of the electrodes on her chest under the blanket.

"When I came in earlier, how did you know it was me in the room? You had your eyes shut and I didn't say anything…"

Shepard kept her eyes closed but her lips curved up into a smile and she chuckled softly; her soft throaty laugh a purr that slid down Vega's spine like velvet, "I always know when you're in the room, Vega." She replied cryptically.

* * *

When Shepard woke up she felt infinitely better than she had when she'd nodded off with her brain addled by pain killers and the after effects of the anaesthetic. Her head felt fine now, probably the medi-gel or her super Cerberus healing powers had fixed it up nicely. Unfortunately her chest was still throbbing badly and every breath was agony; not that she planned to let anyone know. The sooner everyone thought she was doing better, the sooner she could get out of this prison!

_And go straight into another!_

Shepard ignored the bitter voice in her head and stretched carefully, wincing as the movement of her left arm sent spears of pain shooting through her chest. Okay. Moving her left arm was not a great idea. She glanced around the room and saw that Lieutenant Vega was gone, and a new guard was in his place – someone she'd never seen before. And even better, the new guy had fallen asleep at his post. Excellent.

Rennah sat up and saw that the horrible itchy electrode patches were off her chest, although they'd left angry red marks on her _and_ the drip was still in her arm; she pulled it angrily and dropped it on the bed. She hated hospitals. She'd spent too much time in them after bad things had happened, and waking up in a Cerberus lab after she'd been dead for two years had been the straw that broke the camel's back. So her chest was still hurting, so what? They'd filled her up with medi-gel and it felt better than it had a few hours ago. If she didn't get out of here she was going to go stir crazy.

She cursed the hospital gown as it flapped open around her, the ties only half done up. She hoped that new guard hadn't been a total pervert and snuck a look at her when they'd taken the electrodes off, not that she was ever going to find out anyway, but she'd had enough of other people thinking they could do what they liked with her. Especially Cerberus. She glowered at the thought of the _human first_ organisation and tried to tighten the tabs on the hospital gown, but it was impossible to do one handed and she gave up in frustration.

"Now that's an angry look." The bodiless voice drifted eerily through the room accompanied by a soft chuckle, and although Shepard couldn't see the face that matched the voice, she could imagine the smirk that would be on it. "I hope you never look at me that way."

Shepard grinned as Kasumi decloaked over to one side, leaning against one wall with some hospital snacks in one hand and her usual smile on her face. She and Kasumi, although they'd met less than a year ago, had become fast friends and the thief was one of the few people who Rennah trusted with her life. After the incident in the Bahak system and the destruction of the Alpha Relay, Kasumi had tried to persuade Shepard to run away, convinced that if she went back to Earth the Alliance would hang her out to dry and she'd be court marshalled and locked away.

Running away had been tempting, but Rennah was an Alliance soldier at heart, and she knew she had to go back and face the music for what she'd done. Kasumi had seemed upset at the time and hadn't said anything; not even goodbye. Shepard had thought it had been the end of their friendship…until Kasumi had decloaked in her room on the first night on the Alliance compound on Earth. When Rennah had gotten over the initial shock, Kasumi had casually said that she had some personal business on Earth, so she'd hitched a ride.

"Besides," She'd added with her usual quiet laugh, "if they do lock you up in some nasty military jail, I can break you out."

Since that night Kasumi had turned up at least once a day, usually bringing Shepard a new omni-tool and other treats since James invariably discovered her new one and took it off her. She knew it drove him mad, and it felt good to see him so frustrated when he tried to work out where she was getting them from. It was childish but she hated the way James had always been so unaffected by her while the other guards had always fallen over themselves to get her attention.

When Kasumi had realised how maddening Shepard's guards had found the mysterious appearance of the omni-tools, she had started uploading a stealth program on them so that Shepard could cloak for short amounts of time. It wasn't as fancy as Kasumi's tactical cloak, but it was useful for moving around undetected for short periods of time, and for frustrating James.

Shepard wasn't sure why she had gone out of her way to annoy James, but she had taken a certain amount of pleasure in driving him crazy. It was probably because he'd been so formal with her and so impersonal, so she'd assumed he didn't like her. As soon as Anderson had told her about what had happened on Fehl Prime and the choice Vega had made to save the intelligence on the Collector's over thousands of colonists, she'd known he wouldn't like her; she'd made his intel useless.

"So, the big cutie pie likes you, huh?" Kasumi popped a chocolate in her mouth and grinned, "And all this time you've been teasing him! You're so mean, Shep!"

"Knock it off, Kasumi." Shepard mock-glared at her, not surprised that she'd been lurking in the room for the last few hours and ears dropping. "Can you tie up this gown for me? I want to get out of this place while this guy is sleeping."

The master thief laughed again and came closer, tying up the gown quickly as she chatted, "Don't worry, he'll be out for ages; I slipped a little something in his drink." She chuckled as though this was hilarious, "Oh, I was going to tell you, but when I was going through Vega's stuff I found some very interesting things..."

"Oh no, no I don't want to know." Shepard made a face as Kasumi finished the ties and smirked at her playfully. "I don't want to know about people's personal stuff."

"This you'll want to know about." Kasumi swung around and jumped up on the bed, glancing at the guard who was still sleeping soundly and then grinning at Shepard. "Cutie pie has a picture of you in his stuff. It's an old picture, from before you died…"

The door to the room abruptly opened and in an instant Kasumi was gone and Shepard was left gaping at an empty space. When James walked in she almost fell backwards off the bed she pulled away so sharply. He had a picture of her? Why would he have a picture of her? Was it normal to have a picture of a stranger? He'd said he was a fan, sure, but a photo of someone seemed… _creepy_.

 _Conrad Verner!_ Her internal voice piped up unhelpfully. _He might be just like Conrad Verner!_

"Uh, hi James. Vega. Lieutenant." Shepard stumbled over her words, swallowed and glanced at the sleeping guard, and then at the empty space on the bed next to her, wondering where the hell Kasumi had gone.

Rennah watched James walk into the room and glance around suspiciously; she was probably blowing this photo thing way out of proportion, she decided. The photo James had of her was probably some sort of promotional thing. Heck, she'd met people before that had _holograms_ of her. She worked with people all the time who were impressed with her record and looked up to her, it was just that none of them had kept photos of her. Well, not that she knew of anyway.

"I thought I heard you talking…" Vega's gaze came to rest on the sleeping guard and he froze, a muscle jerking in his cheek. He suddenly focused all of his attention to the slumbering marine and stalked over to him, the tension through his body enough to make Shepard a little concerned for the poor guy. "Private Riley! On your feet now!"

Vega's voice wasn't loud enough to be classed as a roar, but it was definitely not an inside voice and the guard jerked awake in fright, stumbling to his feet and reaching for his gun as his biotics lit up around him. He glanced around the room, saw Rennah sitting up in bed and saw Vega looming over him and abruptly left his gun at his side and came to attention, blushing furiously.

Shepard felt slightly guilty as James tore strips the young marine for falling asleep at his post; the pitiable fellow looked completely baffled and she felt a little sorry for him, especially when he was obviously struggling to stay awake. When the young biotic yawned for the third time in a row James sent him out of the room in disgust, waves of anger emanating from him.

"See you later, Shep." Kasumi's amused voice whispered in her ear, "I'll catch up with you tomorrow."

"Just go!" Vega was still ranting at the marine, "You're dismissed and you can report to me tomorrow, _Private_. I'll take the rest of the shift myself since you seem incapable of staying awake." James growled and all but slammed the door behind the confused biotic, who was yawning again as he stumbled out the door, half tripping in the doorway as though he had caught his foot on something which no one else could see.

James was pretty impressive when he was angry, Rennah thought absently while he checked his sidearm and then turned to face her, still looking vaguely annoyed. He'd been pretty impressive yesterday too when he had taken charge during the attack. Normally, she was too busy shooting and firing off biotic flares to notice more than where the next bad guy was coming from, but when she'd been hit yesterday she had been impressed with how athletically and quickly he'd been able to move and protect her, especially given how big he was.

_It was actually kind of sexy..._

"You're looking better." James glanced around the room, frowning at a bunch of flowers which were sitting on the side table near the hospital bed. They were a huge cluster of expensive and exotic looking blossoms that were so over the top and ostentatious that Rennah knew without a doubt they had probably been stolen and gifted to her by Kasumi.

She tried to act like she hadn't been in the process of sneaking off and she made a show of straightening the blankets on the bed, tactfully trying to change the subject away from the sleeping guard and the flowers, "How long was I out for? I'm feeling much better."

Vega was still frowning at the flowers when he answered absently, "Close to twenty hours. The doctors gave you a sedative." He walked over and looked at the card that was with the flowers, "When did these come in? No one checked a delivery in at the door."

Shepard fought hard to keep a straight face and managed to keep from grinning at his vexed expression, "No idea. They were there when I woke up." She reached for the card with the arm that didn't hurt, "Who are they from? Anderson?"

James flicked his fawn coloured eyes at her, the perplexed and suspicious expression still lingering on his face as he held the card out of her reach, "It just says, _'Gift for you! – K.G.'_. Do you know what that means? Who's K.G.?"

Rennah snorted in amusement at the message, remembering only too well how many times Kasumi had yelled that out while she'd been fighting alongside her during the battles with the Collectors. It had become a kind of ominous catch-cry that the infiltrator would yell out right before she'd take someone out. Shepard supposed that Kasumi had probably thought that writing that on a card after Shepard had been shot twice was hilarious. The girl had a bizarre sense of humour.

"I don't know who K.G. is." Shepard tried to shrug and gritted at her teeth as pain from her chest wound emanated through her. "Cute card though." She added, hoping to explain away at least part of her reaction to the card.

"You're lying again." Vega stated as put the card back with the flowers and sighed, "No one is supposed to know you're here, Commander. If this K.G. is someone you know, you need to tell me. Any breach in our security is serious."

Rennah gave him her best innocent look and tried to keep the lingering smile from breaking out into another grin, "Really, I have no idea who they are. Maybe Private Riley brought them in?"

"No, Riley came in with me earlier and he didn't have them then, which means someone else brought them in, and since no one else had signed in to see you, I'm at a loss to explain them." He gave the flowers another annoyed look and straightened as an idea apparently occurred to him. "Shepard, I don't want to pry, but is this K.G. a boyfriend…?"

"I _don't_ have a boyfriend." The words came out far harsher than Rennah had intended, but the hurt that Kaidan had inflicted on her so recently was still a little raw. More than a little raw if truth be told. The seething bitterness inside of her at how unfairly he had treated her was still bubbling away; she'd had quite enough of having a boyfriend for a while, especially if they were going to be complete assholes to her when she turned up miraculously alive.

James seemed to sense there was something behind her sudden outburst and he backed off from the topic quickly, "Yep, right. Sorry." He held up his hands in a placating gesture and settled himself back into the chair by the bed, "I just thought…"

"I don't know where they came from, okay?" She felt suddenly and irrationally annoyed and lay back down on the bed carefully so she didn't jar her shoulder, feeling the familiar frustration and anger that she always felt when she thought about Kaidan.

James was silent for a moment before he spoke, "I didn't mean to hit a nerve. I'm sorry."

"It's fine." Rennah snapped waspishly and glared stonily at the ceiling, fighting to keep her temper in check. She knew she was being childish and that she was acting like a bitch again, but she couldn't help it; thinking about Kaidan's reaction to her on Horizon always made her angry.

She'd been looking forward to seeing him again and had been expecting him to be just as glad to see her alive as she'd been to see him. Boy, had she been wrong! What had hurt most of all was that she'd put her pride on the line for him, and he'd shot her down callously, as though she meant nothing to him. It had hurt; he'd made her feel like a fool for believing in them.

She seethed silently a while longer before she glanced back at James and sighed, "I didn't mean to snap at you Vega, I'm sorry."

James gave her this small half smile and waved a hand at her, "No problem, Commander. I won't ask what his name was."

"Best you don't." She agreed, managing to bury the lingering anger back down inside of her where it belonged and she scrambled for another topic of conversation other than her love life. "Any word on when I'm being released? I feel well enough to leave _now_."

"The doctors want to keep you in another night to make sure there aren't any lasting effects from your lung being hit and to do a few more tests, but they said you should be good to go tomorrow." He watched as Shepard sighed in relief and smiled at her reaction, "You're really not a fan of hospitals are you?"

Rennah gave him a look that would have withered a lesser man, "You worked that out by yourself, did you genius?"

"Someone's tetchy." He ignored her snarky comment and teased her instead, a grin breaking out on his face when she gave him another withering look.

"You try waking up in a hospital only to be told you've been dead for two years and see how much _you_ like it, Vega."

"Fair enough, _chica_." James crossed his arms over his chest and settled back into his chair, his eyes twinkling at their banter.

He really was quite cute when he wasn't spouting rules at her and taking her omni-tool away, she realised with surprise. His eyes were a pleasant shade of chocolate brown and his occasional use of Spanish was intriguing. Under different circumstances, and if he hadn't been her guard, they probably could have been friends, Shepard decided. Hell, if he loosened up more often and stopped being such an anally retentive omni-tool Nazi, maybe they still could be.

Seeing him in the firefight yesterday had certainly shown her why it was that Anderson had made him her personal guard, something she hadn't quite understood until she'd seen him in action. And, if she was honest, actually sitting down and talking to him had shown her a side to James that she hadn't even guessed existed. She'd thought he was all about rules and regulations, but he actually seemed to be a pretty laid back guy.

Plus there was something about James' presence that made her feel odd and made her skin tingle. She sometimes felt something similar when another biotic was around, but this tingle was different. It was almost like she was hyper aware of him; he made the hairs stand up on the back of her neck. The sensation was strange, but it wasn't unpleasant.

It wasn't unpleasant at all.

* * *

**A/N – This is fun. I'm seriously enjoying writing this fic ^_^ Drop me a review and let me know what you think.**


	3. Getting By

_Disclaimer: I still don't own Mass Effect. Shocked? Me either._

**A/N – Cheers for the response to the last chapter. I keep saying this, but this is going to be a really fun fic to write. This chapter was especially fun to write. I hope you enjoy it!**

* * *

James was having a bad day.

Actually, calling it a bad day was putting it far too mildly, he reflected to himself as he stood in Shepard's new rooms in Alliance Headquarters. He was having the kind of day where he felt like he was standing on the threshold of hell, and one tiny little push was all that would take to send him screaming into the depths of insanity. To start with, the simple process of moving Shepard from the hospital to her new 'temporary accommodation' at Alliance HQ been complicated by an overly officious Commander who had insisted on organising the process himself.

The man had treated Shepard as though she were a prisoner, and only a call from James to Anderson had prevented the Commander from going the whole hog and putting Shepard in restraints. Shepard hadn't been happy, and she quickly became uncooperative and belligerent with the Commander. Even James had found himself hard pressed the follow the man's orders; he wasn't Hackett or Anderson and he didn't seem to understand Shepard's situation properly.

Then, to make a bad situation worse, someone had leaked to the press that Shepard was in the building and when the time had come to move her, they'd faced a boiling sea of media and spectators. They'd been kept out of the hospital because none of them were Alliance personnel, but they filled the front courtyard and stretched out into the street. The Commander hadn't seen them as a threat and hadn't tried to move people on until it was far too late and the crowd was too big to do anything except attempt to contain them.

Most of them had seemed to be fans and supporters of Shepard, but a small minority had screamed abuse at her; calling her a monster and a murderer. Shepard had appeared completely unruffled until she'd stepped out flanked by guards, and the media swarmed up the steps of the military hospital and almost caused a riot; and then even she looked concerned. They'd had to retreat back inside, locking the hospital down until reinforcements arrived to peacefully disperse the crowds. But of course, the media had refused to leave and even a section of the hard core spectators had stayed; the pro-Shepard groups screaming at the anti-Shepard groups and vice-versa.

It had been an absolute circus and the Commander had vacillated about what to do; his orders having been to move Shepard by a certain time and in a certain way. Vega's frustration with the man in charge had grown and grown until he ignored protocol and voiced his own idea about how to move Shepard without being seen, an idea which the Commander had seized upon as though it was his own and had put into action. It had been annoying, but at least they'd got her out in the end without any further disruption.

They'd distracted the media with a decoy 'Shepard', who was actually just an Alliance hospital nurse who vaguely resembled Shepard when they put her in an Alliance uniform. While she'd stood in the hospital lobby, flanked by guards and _just_ in view of the media scrum outside, James and his men had been able to smuggle Shepard out the emergency exit in an ambulance. The fancy pants Commander, who James suspected had never seen battle himself, had stayed with the very pretty decoy nurse and put Vega back in charge of getting Shepard safely to her destination, which suited James fine.

Unfortunately, the day from hell hadn't stopped there. When they'd finally reached Alliance HQ and Shepard's new rooms, the lady in question had blown up when she realised that her world had shrunk down even further and she was now going to be contained to three rooms; a communal room, a bed room and a bathroom. James had seen Shepard in the heat of battle when she was angry, and the look on her face when she'd been told that she would be remaining inside these rooms for the next few weeks, _without exception_ , had been enough for him to know that Rennah was pretty close to losing her temper.

And who could blame her? She'd gone from having the run of the galaxy on the Normandy, to being confined to a largish compound with an outside exercise area, to just three rather small rooms. The main communal room had an amazing view of the city, but he couldn't imagine Shepard ever stopping to enjoy the view. She'd grumbled and carried on and had found fault with almost everything, except that the rooms didn't have cameras in the bedroom or bathroom. That had actually made her smile, and it had been such a wicked little smile that both James and Riley had asked her what she was planning to do.

"Naked yoga." Rennah had told them, so po-faced and solemn that Riley had thought she was serious for a moment, but then she'd winked at the young private and had vanished into her room laughing. She'd been in there for the last hour doing who knows what, although James was pretty sure it _wasn't_ naked yoga.

And so James' day from hell had gone. He and Riley had spent the last hour lounging around the communal room and waiting for Shepard to reappear. They'd chatted about their service records and the places they been, until the topic of conversation had turned to Shepard and Riley had excitedly begun to recount some of the stories he'd heard about her over the years.

"I still can't believe Commander Shepard handed herself into the Alliance Military." Riley was lounging against the wall looking out the window, his bright blue eyes far more alert than they'd been yesterday when he'd fallen asleep on guard duty. "I thought for sure she'd take off and there'd be an awesome chase across the galaxy. You know, Earth's first Spectre going bad!"

James frowned at him; the private's unbridled enthusiasm was annoying him. "I wouldn't let Shepard hear you say that, she's an Alliance officer through and through _and_ she was the one that took down the Spectre Saren when he went rogue."

"Oh!" Riley straightened, reading the warning in James' tone clearly. "I wasn't trying to say that I thought she was guilty, I just thought it would have been really exciting…"

James waved off whatever Riley had been going to say, for more interested in the quiet thump he'd heard coming from Shepard's room. He frowned and went towards her door, pausing outside of it where he clearly heard Shepard swearing. There was another louder thump and then more swearing, and James resisted the urge to press his ear against the door. Whatever Shepard was doing, she sounded like she was in pain.

"Shepard?" He called, "Are you okay?" James knocked on the door and waited. Silence stretched behind the door, and just when James was starting to wonder if he should open the door and come in, he heard the sound of someone moving and then quiet cursing.

_Curious…_

"Umm, just a minute." She sounded flustered and a little stressed, "I, uh, need some help, but…"

"I'm coming." James opened the door and quickly went in ready to assist, Riley behind him with his gun drawn.

He took a few steps into the room before he came to a stop, his jaw dropping open as he took in the scene in front of him; Shepard was sitting awkwardly on the bed with her shirt mostly off. She had her good arm through one sleeve of the black button up shirt, but the other arm, the one on the side with the bullet hole, was stuck half in and half out. It was clear that Shepard couldn't get her bad arm the rest of the way in or out, and judging from the painful look on her face her arm must have been pulling on her chest wound badly.

James took everything in, in one brief look, and then he ran his eyes over Shepard again, trying not to let his eyes linger on the body that was framed by the open shirt. But he couldn't help it. She had beautiful ivory skin, a smooth taunt stomach and amazing breasts that were held in a sexy black lace brassiere. He knew he was staring, and he knew Riley probably was too, but it was so unexpected that he didn't know what else to do.

_She was so fucking gorgeous..._

"Oh, for crying out loud!" Shepard snapped angrily into the embarrassed silence and glared at both of them, her eyes focusing on him and flashing an angry shade of violet. "Will you stop ogling me and help?"

James stepped forward, "Of course, Shepard."

"I'll help…" Riley stepped forward at the same time too, bumping against James in his eagerness to _'help'_.

Shepard glared at the young private and gritted her teeth, "I have no idea who you are, other than someone who fell asleep when he was supposed to be guarding me! Get out!" She pointed at the door with her good arm, her voice thunderously loud.

"Just trying to help, ma'am." Riley seemed unfazed by Shepard's outburst; he grinned brazenly at her, winked and went back out the door chuckling.

James shut the door behind him and turned to faced Shepard with an apologetic look on his face, "Sorry, Commander."

Rennah looked at him for a second and then her face broke into an embarrassed grin, "Nah, that's okay. I'm not really mad." She stood up and motioned him towards her with her good hand, her eyes sparkling as she turned around, "It's hard to be angry at someone when you're stuck in a shirt. Can you try gently tugging it down, please?"

James moved behind her and gently pulled the shirt down over her shoulders, slowly, being very careful not to jar her too much he managed to get the shirt down over arms. It took a while as her bad arm was wedged in perfectly and Shepard hissed in pain with every inch he moved it down. He kept his eyes on the shirt and her arm, not wanting to give Rennah any other excuse to accuse him of ogling her.

"Not that I'm judging you Shepard," He got the sleeve down another inch and glanced up at her face which was half turned towards him, watching his progress. "But how did you even manage to get your arm stuck like this?"

She turned her head a little more and met his eyes, her expression sheepish, "It hurt to straighten my arm so I tried to…I don't know…put it on elbow first."

"Elbow first?" James finally tugged the shirt free and he glanced back at Shepard's back and froze, his eyes wandering down her shoulders and back as he held the shirt in his hands. His stomach knotted up tightly as he looked at the long stretch smooth skin which had been exposed to his gaze.

Rennah had tattoos covering her back and shoulders. Not one or two tattoos either, but a huge colourful mural across her shoulders that stretched right down to her lower back. The tattoo was a huge space scene; the background was a spread of blue black space with glittering stars and a swirling purple nebula. In front of the starry night sky were three huge planets, all which were artistically and colourfully shaded.

The blue black of space faded out in her lower back where they were several more artistically placed symbols and patterns which resembled crop circles. Or maybe they were just geometric patterns. Either way they were beautifully designed and were almost layered on top of each other. James had to control himself not to reach out and touch her back; he wanted to feel the rich colours under his fingers.

He realised he'd been staring for a while and he cleared his throat, clenching his traitorous hands into fists by his sides to stop himself touching her, "I didn't know you had tattoos."

"Oh, yeah." Shepard turned around and looked at the shirt in his hands, which was hanging dumbly by his side. "I hope you enjoyed your gander at them, Vega. But if you're done, can you help me put my shirt on properly?"

Her tone was mild but James could tell she was unsettled by his staring and he felt a little guilty. _I can't help it!_ He wanted to tell her. _Those tattoos are beautiful…_ He swallowed the thought down and held the shirt up again, holding open one sleeve so she could slowly slide her bad arm in first. Once that was done she was easily able to get her other arm in and she began to do it up by herself, facing away from him as though concerned he was going to watch her.

_Which I probably would._

"Your wound's a lot worse than you made out, isn't it?" James tried to sound professional as he watched her dress, trying to banish the beautiful mural on her back from his mind. He'd never dreamed, even in his wildest fantasies about Shepard, that she had tattoos. He knew enough about her history to know she'd had a rough childhood on Earth, but she'd always seemed _so_ military. Plus none of the vids had said anything about them, and they weren't in any of the pictures he'd seen.

And he'd all of the vids about Shepard, and had probably seen all of the pictures of her too.

"It hurts." Shepard admitted as she turned around, her cheeks reddening slightly when she saw James was still watching her, "But it's okay, really. I just irritated it when I got my arm stuck." She stared at him for a moment and then shrugged, her lips pursing and eyes narrowing, "Look, you're staring at me Vega and it's a little weird."

"I, uh, sorry." It was James turn to blush and he scrambled for something intelligent to say. "I just haven't seen many tattoos as nice as yours; It's great work. Was it all done by the same person?"

Shepard seemed to relax at his question and tilted her head a little a little as she answered, "Yeah, the same person did all of it." She grinned and rubbed the back of her neck, a gesture which James was starting to recognise as being one of genuine embarrassment. "I got a _little_ drunk on the Normandy after we took out the Collector base, and Jack decided a great way to celebrate was for me to get inked. I'd had a lot to drink and thought it was a great idea. When I woke up the next morning Jack had tattooed my _entire_ back."

"You got your entire back done in one night?" He raised his eyebrows and whistled. "That must have hurt."

She laughed at his surprised expression, "I was _very_ drunk so I didn't feel a thing. I was a little pissed off when I first woke up, but I love them. They're a part of the post-death Shepard now. Plus, Jack was proud of them."

"Jack?" James didn't recognise the name Jack, but by the way Shepard spoke about him he must have been someone who was affiliated with Cerberus that she'd worked with. _She must have been very close to him too if they'd gotten drunk together and she'd taken off her shirt to let him tattoo her._ He felt an envious burn thread through him; a feeling which he certainly had no right to.

"Jack was a friend." Shepard's eyes looked a little wistful and when she didn't elaborate James felt the stab of jealousy get a little stronger.

"Well, he's very good at his work." He nodded and turned to leave the room, stopping to glance back at Shepard as she began to chuckle behind him, "What did I say now?" He asked.

Her eyes were dancing with amusement as she locked her gaze with his, "Nothing Lieutenant, it's just that if you ever see Jack in person you might regret saying that." She started laughing softly again and walked with him out the door, her mood much lighter than it had been that morning.

Outside the room Riley was lounging by the door, still smirking and Shepard gave him a haughty stare as she went past, otherwise ignoring him and marching out to explore the communal room properly. There wasn't much to explore really; a small makeshift kitchen which backed onto the common room that had a desk and some chairs. There was a small vid-viewer sitting on the desk which Shepard looked at briefly, before picking up a data pad and opening up her personal messages which he'd screened earlier.

James watched her from the corner of his eyes as he poured himself a glass of water in the kitchen, trying not to be too obvious. He'd always thought Rennah Shepard was attractive; it was half the reason he and half the other men he'd gone through Alliance training with had followed her career. She was a tough, strong and sexy soldier; not to mention the first human Spectre and a decorated war hero, so it made sense that the Alliance had made her a poster girl.

He'd spent many a lonely night on assignment in the early days thinking about Shepard and what she would be like as a lover. In the vids she was always so fierce and strong; and he'd imagined her being an insatiable lover. She seemed like the take-charge type and he'd imagined her taking charge of him in _many_ different ways; usually in his fantasies it ended with Shepard riding him in ecstasy.

Of course, he'd stopped the fantasies when Shepard had been killed, and he had worked hard not to think about them once he'd been given this assignment to guard her. He'd been focusing hard to stay very professional and avoid any unprofessional overtones of any kind. It had been easy when Shepard had been cold and distant with him, but now that she was warming up and he was seeing the real Rennah…well, it was getting harder for him to maintain the professional demeanour he had strived for.

Especially after seeing her today with her shirt off and those amazing tattoos…

_Don't even think it, Lieutenant!_

James finished drinking and rinsed the glass, glancing out the window at the beautiful view of the city spread beneath them. He didn't really notice the view though, he was finding it hard not to see Shepard in that black lace bra. He was finding it even harder not to think about the tattoos on her back, or the way her eyes twinkled when she laughed, or how full and lovely her lips were…

 _Idiot_. Vega cursed himself silently, lusting after Rennah was a one way street to trouble and it was pointless, absolutely pointless, to start longing for something he would never have. Not only was she completely out of his league, but she was currently waiting to see if she would be tried as a terrorist for the destruction of the Alpha Relay. The woman clearly had no interest in him either, which was the only reason she'd asked him for help today when she'd become stuck in her shirt.

Despite his attempt at thinking things through logically, James knew he'd be seeing after images of Shepard in her bra for a long time. And he'd probably see those rich and vivid tattoos in a few dreams before he forgot about them. _I'm such an idiot!_ James thought to himself as he turned away from the window and glanced at Shepard again. He never went for the women who actually liked him. He always went for girls who were out of his league and completely oblivious to his interest.

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**A/N – A short chapter, I'm sorry but I'm in the middle of marking assessment and reporting! The life of a teacher is always intense at this time of the year! I hope you enjoyed this chapter – as always I'm keen to know what you thought.**


	4. Other Ways

_Disclaimer: I don't own Mass Effect :( **  
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**A/N – I wanted to take a moment to thank the people that have been reviewing this fic so far. Your reviews and comments really make my day! So thank you to Jules Hawke, tlcinbflo, brandischoch, Kaitlyn, Sophia Shepard, Steven Cortez, Blausen, Mistress Cypress, TheEpicToaster, hanon, Shaun, 0.0, Sita, Samolfran and the many guests! You guys are all wonderful for reviewing and making me smile!  
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Rennah was meditating cross legged in the communal room, her biotics flaring around her as she kept herself floating a few inches off the ground. Once upon a time she wouldn't have been caught dead doing this, but Samara had been a fan of meditating whenever she needed to sort out her thoughts, and she had taught Shepard some methods to help her calm her mind and strengthen her biotics. The meditation was intense and required constant use of her powers; it was so exhausting it was almost painful, but in that pain came a deep awareness of her mind and body. It was in this state that Samara had told her that true reflection and serenity lay; beyond the pain.

It wasn't often that Shepard really felt the need to meditate; shooting a gun or hitting a boxing bag usually calmed her down enough, but lately she had been feeling overwhelmed and frustrated. It was all totally James' fault too; the way he'd looked at her when he'd barged into her room and had seen her nearly topless had made her feel…well…she'd had a hard time getting the look on his face out of her mind. For a second there Vega had stared at her with enough heat in his gaze to make Shepard sizzle; and she'd been simmering with tension ever since.

It had been a long time since she'd been physically intimate with anyone; man, woman or alien. And, _boy oh boy_ , could she tell. The first few months on the Normandy after Kaidan had so unceremoniously shot her down had been easy to handle because she'd been so hurt and embarrassed at the things her former had lover had said. The way in which Kaidan had spoken to her and the way he'd looked at her had made her feel so furious that she hadn't wanted to get close to anyone else.

She'd gone out of her way to avoid Jacob who had started dropping hints about hooking up with her, and had spent most of her time on the lower Engineering deck with Jack and Kasumi. Rennah and Jack had managed to get on fine, after all, both of them had had some shared life experiences; running with gangs and a violent, abusive childhood where they'd been exploited for their biotic powers chief amoug them. But Jack and Kasumi had been a different story. They'd initially struggled to get on properly; Kasumi had been terrified of Jack's temper and unpredictable nature. Shepard had persevered with both of them and eventually Jack had stopped raging at Kasumi and Kasumi had stopped tiptoeing around the biotic.

They'd spent many drunken nights together in that lower Engineering cabin; sitting on crates, drinking tequila and talking about everything from men to Cerberus. Both Jack and Kasumi had agreed that she was well rid of Kaidan and that she should find another gorgeous hunk of man to focus her attention on. Jack had stipulated that he couldn't be affiliated with Cerberus in anyway and Kasumi had added that he needed to be cute with muscles – or a hot sexy alien like Thane. Shepard had waved all their helpful suggestions away though, adamant that she wasn't going to be hooking up with anyone anytime soon.

They'd been good friends and although they'd really only talked trash and drank together, Jack and Kasumi had helped Shepard work out who she was after being dead for two years. They'd helped her move on from Kaidan and had reassured her that whatever his problem was, it was _his problem_ and there wasn't anything she could do about it. It was nice that Kasumi had followed her to Earth and Shepard appreciated her support, but after she'd spoken to James the other day about her tattoos and about Jack, it had made Rennah realise how much she missed her other friend too.

The last six months on Earth had been lonely. Sure, she'd had Kasumi sneaking in to visit and she'd had her guards and James to talk to, but it wasn't the same as on the Normandy. Her crew were her friends and family, and knowing that they'd essentially scattered to the winds made her sad. And now, after months of sticking around, Kasumi had finally had to leave to deal with a situation on the Citadel which had arisen. She'd been quite certain that she'd be back in a few weeks, but Shepard knew that life had a way of taking away the people she cared about, so she wasn't going to hold her breath. All she had left of Kasumi now was a state of the art omni-tool that she'd made Shepard promise to keep hidden so James wouldn't take it off her.

It had been a lonely few days without her sneaking in to visit.

Rennah heard the door open behind her and tried to ignore it as she sensed James and Rhykar enter to take over guard duty from Sila and Riley. It was good to have her other two guards back on duty; Rhykar and Sila were seasoned soldiers who she'd spent months getting to know in the old compound and she'd got on well with both of them. Plus, their return to duty meant that the other temporary guards could be replaced, with the exception of Riley who was staying on in place of Hooper and Kayley.

James had reworked the roster so that at least two of them were on duty with Shepard at all times of the day. The shifts ran in twelve hour blocks, usually with James and one of the other guards on the day shift, with the other two on at night. Rennah wasn't sure why, but she was glad to have Vega for company during the day; even though he was still threatening to confiscate any omni-tools that she procured.

Since their talk in the hospital, Shepard had found James to be a lot more personable…although the way he'd looked at her after he'd seen her tattoos had been more than just friendly. The look in his eyes and the way her body had reacted had been unexpected and not exactly welcome. She'd made the mistake of getting involved with an Alliance officer once now, and she wasn't going to make that mistake again. _Ever_.

Shepard kept her eyes closed in meditation as she heard Riley and Sila leave, her concentration slipping a little as she felt that strange tingling feeling she always got when James was around. Her heart beat a little faster and she opened her eyes to find Vega watching her from the kitchen as he chatted quietly with the other guard. _I knew it!_ She fought the urge to scowl at him for breaking her meditation, but really, he hadn't done anything. The problem was clearly hers, not his.

She ended her meditation and softly let herself come back to the floor. It was far harder than it looked and she felt her body ache faintly with biotic fatigue, but she did feel clearer and more focused. She wasn't sure if the meditation had actually worked though; her mind still felt far too busy and her thoughts had still been full. But she'd tried and she felt calmer, if not a little clearer.

She nodded at James and Rhykar as she stood up and sauntered over to the window, glancing out as she picked up a data pad and checked her messages for the tenth time that day. Anderson had been sure that the Defence Committee would be meeting about her today, but so far she hadn't had any summons to see them. Dejectedly, she glanced outside and saw a boy playing on the roof of the building opposite; he was running and laughing

_Stupid kid._

Rennah's eyes narrowed as she watched the small boy in the grey jumper running around in circles with the toy in his hands. She felt a stab of envy at his freedom; he probably should have been inside and studying, not playing on a rooftop without any adult supervision. It was strange to see people going about their lives while she was cooped up, but then she should have been used to this happening on Earth. Even when she had been a child on Earth she'd never had the chance to play or be free. Hell, she couldn't even remember her parents properly, all she had was a vague memory of her mother. Both of her parents had died before she was five years old, and she'd been left as an orphan and ended up being raised into a gang.

She gave the kid one more glare, resenting his light hearted play, and turned around, realising that James had been unusually quiet since he'd come in. Normally he would have done more than just quietly watch her; he would have said hello or asked about her day. Something was up, and sure enough when she turned around James was reading a message on his omni-tool. Even from across the room Shepard could see the flashing red light that meant it was a priority message and a chill went down her spine when he glanced up at her with troubled eyes.

_So, the time has come..._

"The Defence Committee wants to see you urgently _._ " James looked away from her quickly and Shepard wondered what was in the message that he wasn't telling her. Whatever it was couldn't be good. James was normally fine under pressure but she could see the signs of strain etched on his face.

There wasn't time to ask James what the message said though, as he was already speaking in a low voice to Rhykar, his eyes sliding over to her briefly as she ducked into her room to get the omni-tool Kasumi had left her. She felt her heart sink at the look on Vega's face; the goddamned Committee hadn't even bothered to contact her directly, so it wasn't going to be good news. Rennah tossed the data pad onto the table in her room and held her head high and she stormed back out the door. Whatever they did to her, whatever the punishment for trying her hardest to protect Earth, she'd take it.

She'd take it with pride.

* * *

James walked with Shepard out the door, aware that this was the first time she'd been allowed out of the Detention Centre at Alliance Command. His eyes were alert for danger as he scanned the people rushing through the corridor, all of them with the same tense look on their faces that James knew was probably on his. The message to bring Shepard before the Defence Committee had been immediately followed by another notification that Hackett was mobilising the fleet, and as far as James was concerned that probably meant the Reapers had finally started their invasion.

"Shepard!"

James and Shepard both stopped at the shout, and Rennah broke into a relieved smile when she saw Anderson hurrying towards them, his dress uniform looking slightly rumpled and less than impeccable. James glanced from Anderson to Shepard as they shook hands, feeling a little on the outside as they continued walking quickly, Shepard ducking and weaving between people who were avoiding Anderson. He fell in behind them, wanting to give them a little privacy and to keep an eye out for any potential threats.

"What's going on?" Shepard's voice floated back to him, sounding tense but curious.

Anderson steered Shepard towards a flight of stairs and James only just caught his response, "Hackett's mobilising the Fleet."

"The Reapers?" Shepard stopped in her tracks and turned slightly to look at Anderson, her face tightening with fear.

"Most likely." Anderson took Shepard's arm and kept her moving, James following along in their wake and trying not to feel useless as he continued his look out.

He could make out some of what Anderson said as they walked, and he caught the gist of their conversation as he continued scanning the corridors. Even though they weren't speaking quietly or trying to hide anything form him, James felt like he was ears dropping as he shadowed Rennah, trying to shake the feeling of being a third wheel. He listened with awe as Anderson lay it out on the line for Shepard; the Reapers were coming and since Shepard was Earth's Reaper expert, the Defence Committee wanted her opinion and expertise.

Rennah however, looked less than awed at the news, and more frustrated and angry.

"You know more about them than anyone else, Shepard." Anderson had finally picked up on the former Alliance officer's sullen expression and his tone had an oddly placating tone in it, as though he knew how difficult Shepard could be and wanted to avoid it.

"Is that why they grounded me? Why they locked me up and took away my ship?" Rennah's bitterness was plain in her voice and her back went rigid with tension when Anderson abruptly stopped walking and grabbed her arm to pull her close.

"You know why they grounded you!" Anderson hissed the words at her quietly as he jabbed her in the chest. "When you destroyed that relay you killed hundreds of thousands of Batarians…"

"You think I don't know that? You think I did it lightly?" Shepard didn't seem to care that she was speaking to an Admiral, her tone was furious and her eyes were flashing violently as she pulled her arm free from his grip. "I did it to buy us time! If I hadn't the Reapers would just sailed right on through!"

"I know that, Rennah." Anderson sighed and stepped back, looking every bit as tired as he sounded as he diffused the situation. "The Committee knows it too or they would have court marshalled you and locked you up. Stop being so god damned difficult and work with _us_ for a change."

Rennah glared at him for a heartbeat longer and then the anger seemed to drain out of her and James saw the fear in her eyes again as she glanced at the glass doors ahead that led into the Defence Committee's meeting room. She ran a hand through her hair and closed her eyes briefly, looking for all the world like she was fighting hard to keep something inside of her that wanted to get out. She was angry, furious even, but there was something else; Shepard was genuinely scared.

"I'm sorry, I just…I hate being here like this." She opened her eyes and gave Anderson a frustrated look. "I could have been out there helping this whole time and instead they had me locked up here."

"I know, Shepard, but you need to focus on what you can do now." Anderson reached out and clasped her shoulder, squeezing it gently. " _We_ need your help, so listen to what the Committee has to say. Do it for me."

For a moment James saw something more than just a professional relationship between them; the way they spoke and the way they behaved was more like family. Rennah reluctantly nodded, her eyes softening as the frustration left her. She straightened her shoulders and a professional expression slid over her features so perfectly that James blinked in surprise. Shepard was clearly a master at hiding her emotions when it suited her; it was only her temper that let her down.

"I'll play nice, David." She smiled at him politely, baring perfect white teeth.

He chuckled and they both started walking again, "Don't get cheeky, girl."

"Never, Sir." She inclined her head, the smile gone and her face now so serious it was almost mocking.

The glass doors slid open smoothly at their approach and the receptionist waved them through, another staffer breaking away from a small group near the front desk to briskly lead them through the busy reception room. This was it, James realised; this was the moment when Rennah was going to either be reinstated or locked away. Either way this was the end of his role in her story; he was going to get new orders and probably be sent off with a unit of marines to fight the Reapers.

His steps faltered as they came around a corner and saw the meeting room doors right ahead, "Good luck, Shepard."

He stopped and held out his hand, something pulling tight in his chest at the thought of having to say goodbye to her. Rennah had been such a focus in his life for the last six months that the thought of waking up and not seeing her face each day made him feel empty. The time he'd spent in her company since the Batarian attack had shown James a completely different side to Shepard, and it was a side which he was probably going to spend the rest of his life dreaming about.

Rennah looked over her shoulder as Anderson moved ahead to speak to the woman who was leading them, and glanced back at James, her face still impassive as she nodded, her eyes uncertain. She reached out and her hand found his, her skin warm as she shook the hand he had offered. James glanced down, surprised to see that she had yet another omni-tool on her arm, and when he glanced back up she was grinning at him slightly.

"I'm going to miss you, Jimmy." Her hand squeezed his gently as she locked eyes with him. "I know I wasn't always a pleasant assignment, but I think you're an amazing soldier."

"Thanks, Shepard." He kept her hand in his for a moment, treasuring the feeling of her skin against his in a way that made him feel desperate and pathetic.

_Forget about her, Vega._

But how could he forget about her when she was standing right here in front of him? He searched frantically in his mind for the words to tell her how much he had enjoyed guarding her without sounding like a complete imbecile, but as always words failed him. He already felt awkward around her most of the time; she was so beautiful and so perfect that he felt intimidated even though he was the one in a position of power.

The smile on her face faltered a little and she stepped closer to him, her violet eyes darkening to indigo as she nervously brushed her hair to the side with her free hand. The hand that he held in his tightened, squeezing tighter as she looked up at him with her spellbinding eyes. "I just want you to know…"

"Shepard!"

A voice interrupted her and James blinked as the moment broke and he saw Rennah go still in front of him, her hand tightening again in his, but this time to a crushing convulsive grip. The man that had called out to her stood next to Anderson and had the stripes of a Major on his collar, but he didn't look at all like the average battle-worn solider. With his thick back hair, pale skin and rather intense brown eyes he almost could have stepped out of one of the advertising posters for the Alliance Military.

He was looking at Rennah with a quiet yearning expression on his face that made James instantly dislike him; that and the fact that he'd interrupted a moment which James knew he would never get back. He glanced back at Shepard who was still frozen in front of him, her eyes hard and cold. She swallowed hard and James saw her fight for composure before she started to turn around, looking for all the world as though she had just seen a ghost.

"Kaidan…"

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**A/N – Oh oh…James has some competition! Who does that Kaidan think he is? Ruining their big goodbye?**

**I was going to take this chapter all the way until they leave Earth but I'm exhausted after an emergency trip to the vet last night to save the life of my neighbour's dog, and then a six hour first aid course today. As always, please review – hearing from you makes me day!**


	5. Everything They Whispered

_Disclaimer: I don't own Mass Effect_

**A/N – Another big thank you to the people who have reviewed! It means a lot and I really appreciate it!**

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"Kaidan..." Shepard let go of James' hand and turned around to face the dark haired man who had spoken, her face set in a painfully polite mask that James had only seen once or twice before and _only_ when she'd been stressed.

Rennah always played her cards close to her chest, but normally she let at least little of what she was feeling show on her face so she didn't come across as a complete robot; but not today. Right now, James couldn't have picked what she was feeling if someone had offered him a million dollars. As she walked over towards Anderson and Kaidan, James followed at a polite distance, curiosity getting the better of him since he'd never seen her react quite like this to anyone. He wasn't sure if she was angry, scared or excited. All he knew was that whatever it was she was feeling, she didn't want anyone to see.

"How did it go in there, Major?" Anderson had turned back to face him as Shepard joined them, and his question temporarily steered Kaidan's attention back to him.

He looked briefly and curiously at James before he turned his full attention back to Shepard and Anderson, "Not sure. I can never tell with them." His tawny eyes swept over Shepard as he spoke and James felt himself bristle at the look in them; he clearly had a history with Shepard, and judging from that look they'd obviously been close. "I'm just waiting for orders now."

Shepard had never spoken much about her past, aside from what she had told him in the hospital that day, but it was clear to James that she and Kaidan had once been an item and something nasty had happened to cause the tension between them. He knew her service record, or at least the unclassified bits, back to front, but there was a lot about her that was a mystery; such as why it was that she had so few close friends. Rennah had never had any visitors when she'd been in detention aside from Hackett or Anderson. No friends or family at all. It was a mystery, and if James were honest he didn't know the first thing about her personal life other than the fact that she didn't currently have a boyfriend and she was rather sore about it.

" _Major_?" Rennah repeated quietly, and the faintly hostile tone in her voice made James glance at her as she quickly cleared her throat and tried to look a little more friendly, her hands clenching briefly into fists as she spoke, "I, uh, hadn't heard. Congratulations."

Kaidan had the grace to look a little embarrassed and he shrugged as he looked from Anderson to Shepard, "Yeah, I guess you wouldn't have known about that, sorry Shepard."

The air thickened between them and James saw Anderson shift his weight awkwardly as Kaidan and Shepard locked eyes and an uncomfortable silence fell. The long look they exchanged wasn't exactly hostile, but it wasn't friendly either, or at least it wasn't on Shepard's end. Shepard looked both tense and slightly bitter, whereas Kaidan just seemed to be unsettled by her reaction to him. Whatever he'd expected when he saw Shepard, he clearly hadn't expected her to behave like this.

"That's okay, I've been kind of out of the loop lately." Although her voice softened as she spoke, there was a touch of acid in Rennah's tone and it was obvious that she was angry. "It's hard to keep up with recent events when you've been locked up..."

"Shepard." There was a warning in Anderson's tone and Rennah instantly shut her mouth, her teeth coming together with an audible click as she glanced at the Admiral with an unreadable look on her face. He nodded towards the double doors where the woman who'd led them in was waiting. "They're ready for us, let's go."

Admiral Anderson actually took the commander's arm and steered her away from Kaidan who was looking decidedly uncomfortable at Shepard's comment about being locked up. He watched Rennah as she walked past him, and James saw their eyes lock again briefly as nodded to her with that same overly familiar look of longing in his eyes. _Definitely an old boyfriend_ , James decided as Rennah jerked her gaze away from him, pulled free of Anderson and stalked down the hall. As he watched her progress, James slowly made his way over to the Major, his curiosity peaked about what this guy could have done to make her so frosty.

Was it possible he had sent those flowers to Shepard in the hospital? His name _did_ start with a 'K' and Rennah had become quite angry when he'd questioned her about the flowers...

"You know the Commander?" James asked as he crossed his arms and lounged next to Kaidan, both of them watching as she vanished into the double doors that led to the Defence Committee.

Kaidan glanced at him, his eyes both wistful and a little tired, "I used to, a long time ago." He held out his hand and smiled affably, "Major Kaidan Alenko."

" _Alenko_." James repeated his last name and nodded; Alenko didn't start with a G unless it was silent, but he'd seen some crazy spellings of names in his time, so he wasn't going to assume anything. He took the hand that was offered and shook it, "Lieutenant James Vega."

The Major glanced back at the door Shepard had gone through and rubbed his eyes as though he was exhausted, "So, I take it you know Shepard too?"

"I've been guarding her for the last six months." James crossed his arms over his chest, slightly amused as Kaidan glanced at him again with a more accessing look, as though seeing him properly for the first time.

"Shepard needed a guard?" Now Kaidan sounded amused, and he mirrored James as he crossed his arms over his chest too.

"Well, not so much a guard to keep her in the detention centre, as a guard to keep her safe from assassination attempts." James grinned as Kaidan raised his eyebrows and whistled.

"Batarians?" He asked quietly, glancing around.

"Mostly, but a few other mercenary groups tried for her too." Vega was aware they were standing in middle of the corridor and he shifted out of the way, Kaidan following him. "Aside from the last Batarian attack, I didn't really have much to do."

Kaidan nodded and he frowned, "I saw Shepard on television at the hospital, but nothing was said about what happened to her. Was it bad?"

James nodded slowly and shrugged, "I'll tell you what I can, but only if you let me ask you a strange question first."

"A strange question?" Kaidan grinned, "I'm intrigued, so sure, go ahead."

Vega shifted awkwardly and tried to banish the faint feeling of embarrassment he felt, "Okay, this might sound odd, but did you send Shepard flowers when she was in the hospital?"

"Flowers?" Kaidan's eyebrows went up again and he straightened. "No, I didn't even know she was in hospital until I saw that media circus on the vids." His mouth twisted in an expression that looked like jealousy, and he glanced back at James, "What made you think I sent them?"

"We're not sure who sent them. They came with a card signed 'K.G.' and I thought I'd ask since your name starts with a K." James shrugged, feeling a little idiotic as Kaidan gave him an doubtful look, "Shepard got angry when I asked her about them and denied knowing who K.G. was, but I could tell she was lying."

"She's good at that." Kaidan's muttered more to himself then to James, but then he glanced back and his eyes widened as he hastily clarified, "She's good at getting angry I meant." He cleared his throat, and glanced back at James. "So you think the flowers were from a boyfriend?"

Kaidan spoke conversationally and casually, but James could tell there was nothing casual about his question; Kaidan didn't like the idea of Shepard having a boyfriend. He could see it in the way his eyes had sharpened and focused on James, and even in the far too casual tone of his voice. Whatever had happened between them was obviously unresolved, and had left Kaidan feeling lonely and guilty and Shepard furiously mad.

Vega shrugged, "I'm not sure. The Commander made it pretty clear that she _didn't_ have a boyfriend."

"Oh." Alenko sounded disappointed and frowned to himself, "Odd that someone sent her flowers, then."

"That's what I thought…" James would have said more, but there was a sudden high pitched electrical whine and the building exploded inwards on itself.

The air seemed to ignite around him and a there was a deafening roar that drowned out all other sounds and echoed inside Vega's head. He was barely aware of being flung backwards by the force of the blast or of colliding with the wall behind him; glass, plaster and shards of metal raining down around him. James curled into a protective ball as larger segments of the roof came tumbling down next to him and huge twisted metal support beams impaled themselves in the tile floor.

His head rang with the sound of the explosion and his vision blurred when he opened his eyes and slowly sat up, chunks of tile and glass falling off him and scattering across the ground. He groaned and held his head as he stumbled to his feet, glancing around dazedly as he realised that half of the building had been ripped away. He staggered forward a few steps and realised he could see the Vancouver skyline through the massive hole in the building.

Smoke and dust billowed around him, and the cries of scared and injured people rang out as a dark show fell across them. A monstrously huge ship settled outside the building like a giant bloated tick; it's glowing red lights like eyes as they seared through the smoke. It towered into the sky to almost impossible heights, and as James watched through disbelieving eyes it fired off a red laser canon with another high pitched sizzling sound and another wing of the Alliance headquarters exploded. He could feel the vibrations through his boots as more of the building was demolished by the giant machine, and more chunks of the wall and roof came crumbling down.

"Lieutenant Vega!"

He turned unsteadily at the sound of his name and saw Kaidan coming towards him, blood trickling down his face from a gash on his head. He had his gun out and was scanning for enemies as he jogged unsteadily towards James, his face pale and shell shocked. The major saw the huge ship through the gap in the wall behind James and his brown eyes widened, standing out starkly in his face as he came to a stop and stared in open mouthed horror.

"Reapers!" He took a step backwards and grabbed James' arm, his grip frightening tight. "Come on! We have to get to Shepard, _now_!"

"Right." James followed Kaidan back into the guts of the building, ducking around huge piles of rubble until they reached a point where the building had collapsed and they couldn't go any further. Three huge slabs of concrete flooring from an upper level had collapsed down and was blocking their way, and Kaidan cursed as James skidded to a stop beside him.

"Oh no, Shepard..." James felt a ball of icy fear settle in his gut at the sight of all that cement and twisted metal. If the inside of that room was anything like out here, there was every chance she might have been hurt or even killed.

_No! Don't even think it, Vega!_

Alenko was pacing back and forth in front of the rubble when James saw him abruptly clamp his hand to his ear as his transmitter crackled audibly, "Admiral Anderson?" He paused and then spoke again, his eyes finding James as he nodded, "I can hear you, sir. Is Shepard okay?"

James felt himself go rigid with tension while he waited for the response. He couldn't hear Anderson's reply, but he could hear the buzz of his ear piece as the Admiral spoke and the tension left him when he saw Kaidan sag with relief. "Thank god." There was another pause while he listened with one hand still held tightly to his ear. "The Normandy? Yes sir. We'll get there."

"Shepard's okay?" James asked as Kaidan let his hand drop from the transmitter and glanced back out the gaping hole in the side of the building as another shrill echoing laser blast sounded.

"She's fine, but the building is mostly down on their side. Anderson's with her and they're trying to find a way out to get to an extraction point. We need to get to the Normandy and reach them." Kaidan checked the thermal clip on his gun and nodded to James, "Let's go, Lieutenant."

"Yes, Major." James drew his own gun and checked the clip from habit, trying to ignore the excitement that had ran through him at the thought of the Normandy.

It was totally inappropriate to be excited at the thought of being on the Normandy with Shepard in this particular situation, but he couldn't help it; this was what he'd dreamed of when he'd first joined the Alliance Military. He'd wanted to serve on the Normandy with the great Commander Shepard and fight threats to humanity in all their forms. This was his chance to prove himself, a chance to show Shepard that he wasn't just a regular Alliance marine; he was something else.

* * *

James kept pace with Kaidan as he led the way back through the collapsed Alliance facility at a bruising pace, determined to reach the space port where the Normandy was currently being refitted. They moved easily and quickly amongst the debris as they cut through the middle of the building, but were forced to slow down considerably once they left the main building and tried to cross a courtyard. It didn't look at all familiar, but James was certain that this had once been part of an atrium with impressive skylights. The skylights were now smashed to pieces and slivers of broken glass, both big and small, lined the path like the jagged teeth of some great beast.

The sky boiled over the courtyard, a seething mass of dust and smoke with the nightmarish shapes of the Reapers moving through it, and Kaidan cursed and pulled up short as gunfire sounded from around a corner. They both heard the agonising screams of dying men and James moved fast; glancing out into the smoky courtyard and quickly rolling to cover behind a raised decorative garden bed. The cement border provided good protection as what he could only guess were Reaper troops opened fire on them.

Kaidan took cover behind the garden bed next to him, his eyes focused and glowing as his biotics flared around him and he threw a freezing biotic blast at the troops. He waited a beat and then fired several rounds at them with his hand gun and the sound of something large shattering arced through the air. James risked a quick glance out and then pulled back as bullets immediately smacked solidly into the cement wall where his head had just been. The brief glimpse he'd taken had shown him that one of the larger troops had been reduced to icy fragments thanks to Kaidan and the others were retreating behind cover.

He'd also seen that the courtyard was littered with the bodies of Alliance marines and staffers, most of whom appeared to have been brutally cut down by the invading creatures, rather than killed in the initial attack. The reaper troops, who looked nothing like the Collectors that James had fought on Fehl Prime, were set up defensively in the courtyard with the clear goal of picking off any marines who tried to cross.

"I counted at least twelve more of them." He told Kaidan as they crouched behind cover, glancing at his own hand gun which seemed woefully inadequate against the assault rifles that the Reaper troops had.

Alenko nodded and tightened his grip on his own gun; another iridescent blue aura began to curl around him as he gathered his power, "Okay, we need to do this fast. I'll use stasis to hold as many as I can and you take them out."

James nodded and readied himself as Kaidan held up three fingers, two fingers, one finger and then turned and jumped over the garden bed, his movements impossibly quick as he sent another biotic wave at the troops, holding several of them in a rippling blue field. He took cover behind a block of cement and twisted steel and held the stasis as James dispatched the Reapers that were caught, then charged forward to take out the others as Kaidan dropped the stasis and joined him, the remaining troops attempting to pull back to cover with growls and shrieks as they were killed.

"If I'd known I'd be fighting... _whatever the hell these things are_ …I'd have brought a bigger gun." James yelled to Kaidan as they finished off the last of the troops and headed towards the space port.

"You and me both." Kaidan replied dryly and abruptly held up a hand for quiet as his ear piece buzzed audibly again. "I hear you, sir."

He nodded to himself as he listened to whatever Anderson was telling him and then glanced at Vega as he replied, "We're almost to the Normandy. I've got Lieutenant Vega with me, but we're taking heavy fire…sir? Admiral?" Kaidan pushed off the wall and locked eyes with James, "They ran into husks. Come on, we need to hurry."

They dodged into a gaping hole into the space port's outer wall which had once been a corridor before it had been ripped apart by gunfire and explosions. The narrow winding passageway through the docking bay was choked with smoke and echoed with the shrieks of husks, the cries of people in pain and the more ominous distant rumble of the Reapers themselves. Ahead, in the gloom, James saw several sets of glowing blue eyes and he fired quickly into them, watching with satisfaction as two husks fell to the floor and four more came howling towards them with their gaping mouths stretched open ghoulishly.

Kaidan exploded with biotic light next to him as a husk launched itself towards him, but James ignored Alenko's fight and focused on the husks coming for him. He fired point blank into one gaping face and then rammed another into a wall before he snapped its neck. He only just had time to flip out his omni-blade and stick the final husk in the stomach as it reached for him with its angry claw-like hands. He pulled his blade out with a thick meaty sound and the husk's intestines spilled to the floor like blackened eels, slime and gore splattering up the wall next to him.

"Keep moving." Alenko pushed past him and James followed, shutting his omni-blade away and ejecting a spent thermal clip.

The end of the corridor was collapsed downwards and they were forced to awkwardly crawl between several sheets of twisted metal and cement slabs. Once through they picked up the pace again thundered through the main halls of the space port to the facility that housed the Normandy. Kaidan was still in the lead and James pushed himself hard to keep up, aware that the trembling in the ground was increasing and he could hear the sound of Reaper lasers again.

They made it to the hanger and pushed through the door to see the Normandy moored in the middle of the hanger, its emergency lights flashing as they prepared to take off. Kaidan powered ahead of him as they ran up the ramp towards the airlock, their boots echoing loudly on the metal grating. As they reached the top the airlock cycled and opened and they both ran in, ignoring decontamination as the seal closed behind them.

They jogged straight through into the chaos on the combat deck, and Kaidan turned left and headed for the bridge. James faltered a little as he glanced around and tried to take it all in, but he quickly snapped to and followed Kaidan again, unwilling to be left behind when he'd come this far. He found the major on the bridge talking urgently in a low voice to the pilot as he readied the ship for an emergency departure, and he watched as Kaidan slid in to the co-pilots chair as though he'd done this before.

"We have Reapers inbound on this position, Major." The pilot was saying as his hands flew over the controls, moving so fast James couldn't even begin to follow his movements. "We'll find Shepard, but right we need to get the hell outta here, so hold on!"

James heard the docking clamps release and felt the engines fire as they took off. Through the windows he could see Reaper troops pouring into the space port like a swarm of ants, their guns firing at the Normandy as she accelerated forward. The take off was less than smooth and James had to grab a hand hold on the roof above to keep his footing as the ship surged forward powerfully.

Kaidan had activated the radio and was communicating with Anderson again as they got the hell out of there, "We've made it to the Normandy, still taking heavy fire… _oh god_!" Alenko froze for a moment as they all saw the enormous Reaper looming in the sky above them; it's red laser was glowing and they watched in horror as it erupted in a blinding steam of light, sweeping a path of destruction toward a huge Alliance vessel which was leaving the space port nearby. "They're gonna take down that dreadnaught! Evasive manoeuvres!"

Kaidan's fear was justified and the pilot began cursing and skillfully executed a turn that made James' stomach churn, and sent the Normandy in the opposite direction, accelerating beyond safe limits as the laser cut through the massive dreadnaught and its Ezo core exploded; the blinding flash ripping through the air. The shock wave decimated the space port and surrounding buildings and would have knocked the Normandy out of the air if the pilot hadn't pushed the ship to the limits to escape the blast radius.

"Gees, look at that! That blast put a hole in the pretty Vancouver skyline, that's for sure!" The pilot sounded almost smug as they manoeuvred through the air traffic.

"Jeff, it is unwise to linger here for too long." A feminine voice interrupted them, seeming to come from the ship itself and James glanced around, looking for the source. "I recommend retreating to a safe distance until we can establish an evacuation point for Commander Shepard."

The pilot quickly adjusted his controls, "Thanks EDI, but I think I'll stay nearby and practice my fancy flying while we wait." He glanced back at James and then at Kaidan, "Major, who's the big dude?"

"Lieutenant Vega was guarding Shepard on Earth." Kaidan glanced back at James himself, his gaze a touch more respectful then it had been earlier. Then he turned his attention back to the radio and continued trying to raise Anderson or Shepard.

" _Guarding_ Shepard?" The pilot laughed as though Kaidan had said something hilariously funny and James shifted uncomfortably, feeling like an outsider.

Despite his mirth, the pilot's attention was completely focused on flying them safely around Reapers and between huge fireballs that were careening down out of the sky, and nothing else was said for several minutes. The tense silence was only broken by Kaidan's continued attempt to raise Anderson, the look on his face as close fear as James had ever seen. From up here he could well understand Kaidan's concern; the Alliance facility was barely standing and Reapers were rampaging around it.

The Normandy's radio crackled and Kaidan activated it quickly as Admiral Anderson's voice came through, "Normandy? This is Anderson, do you read?"

"Admiral? What's your location?" Kaidan couldn't hide the relieved tone in his voice as he leaned forward, grimacing as another Reaper landed, its legs smashing and cutting through buildings and it's laser activating and targeting evacuating ships.

The radio squealed and crackled alarmingly, and when Anderson spoke James was only able to make out part of what he said, his words interspersed with electronic distortion "…by the harbour. I'm activating…distress beacon. Send…we've got wounded…"

"Wounded? Is Shepard okay? Admiral? Anderson? Shit!" Kaidan frantically tried cleaning up the signal as he spoke, but there was too much interference and the radio gave a final distorted squeal and went dead.

James felt helpless as he stood behind the pilot's seat; from his vantage point he could see the harbour almost dead ahead of them, but it wasn't the only thing he could see. The Alliance buildings near the harbour were being bombarded by the meteor-like fire balls and a Reaper, one of the biggest he's seen so far, sat between them, its eerie red beam slicing buildings in half.

"Is this really happening?" Kaidan sounded horrified and his face was pale as he watched the Reaper deliberately aim at shuttles and shoot them down, almost as though it was a cat playing with mice.

"I've got this, Alenko." The pilot reach over and touched his arm reassuringly, the familiarity of the motion confirming to James that the pilot and Kaidan were friends. Had they both served on the original Normandy with Shepard? "You take the big guy and get down to the shuttle bay. This is going to have to be a fly-by pick up, so Shepard's going to have to make a jump for it."

"Right." Kaidan swung out of the seat and tagged James, nodding for him to follow as he jogged back the way they'd come earlier through the combat deck and through the mess of people operating various controls and monitoring battle stations. The journey down in the elevator was an exercise in self-control, as it seemed to take far longer than was necessary to travel down to the shuttle bay, and it was all James could do not to fidget and shuffle in the silence.

Then the doors were opened and they were back in a world of noise and action; some marines were gearing up in armour and others were checking weapons, but all of them stopped briefly as they heard the thundering roar of the Normandy's main canon firing. Kaidan snagged an assault rifle off a rack as he passed and James followed suit, still shadowing Kaidan as he led the way to the docking bay doors. They both swayed unsteadily as the ship executed an unexpected sharp turn and then they heard the engines settling into a hover and the docking bay doors opened.

James hung back as they opened downwards and Kaidan ran forward with his gun raised, an armoured marine flanking him. James could see Shepard as she ran athletically towards the ship and executed a fantastic running leap, Kaidan holding out a hand to help her as she landed. A hand, James noticed, that she swatted away quickly, aiming a not entirely friendly look at Alenko as she did so.

_Ouch._

Vega couldn't hear what was said as she and Kaidan briefly spoke to each other and it took ounce of strength he had to stay where he was and not rush forward to see her, but he stayed put and waited. He could feel the tension as Shepard turned around and walked back towards the edge of the lowered door to speak to Anderson who had stayed behind. Again, James couldn't make out what was said, but he saw Anderson toss Shepard's dog tags back to her before he left, and he felt a warm glow inside of him.

_Commander Shepard was back!_

As the Normandy began to pull away, she stood for a moment and watched the Reapers destroying Vancouver and shooting down shuttles from the sky. Kaidan briefly stood beside her before he moved away and Shepard was left alone; her silhouette outlined perfectly as the bay doors began to close.

"Commander." James called out quietly, waiting until Kaidan had walked past him before be allowed himself to move towards her. He tried not to notice as the other man gave him a hard look, and instead focused on Shepard who hadn't noticed him yet.

"James?" She looked up at him and smiled as she walked, her purple eyes bright despite the dust and blood that covered every inch of her. She gave him a smile and James realised that she was genuinely glad to see him. "You made it."

It was impossible to stop the warmth that spread inside of him at the look in her eyes as Rennah closed the gap between them and clasped the hand he offered, pulling him into a friendly half-shoulder hug. The feeling of her body against him was almost better than anything he'd ever felt, and James felt himself grinning like an idiot at her. She pulled away again and straightened up, the smile fading as another loud roar was heard from outside and the Normandy accelerated away from Vancouver.

Rennah glanced over his shoulder and froze, her hand dropping his abruptly as she pulled back from him and stalked back up the ramp towards the elevator. _What the hell?_ James frowned; her abruptly change in behaviour was so unexpected that he was mystified until he turned around to follow and saw Kaidan watching them, his face unreadable as he watched Rennah. Alenko turned his gaze back to him and for a moment Vega felt himself pinned by the jealousy burning in them.

Then Kaidan turned and walked away, his back rigid.

* * *

**A/N – Good lord! That was a tough chapter to write! Although I did enjoy writing Kaidan as a jealous little creature…I always thought he seemed a little touchy with Shepard when they both met up again. So I'm blaming James! I hope you enjoyed this chapter – it was really hard to balance the action and the emotions! I hope it wasn't too boring!**

**Please review and let me know what you thought!**


	6. Coming True

_Disclaimer: I do not own Mass Effect_

**A/N – Thank you to everyone who has been reviewing; Samolfran, brandischoch, hannahschlegel0690, mumble1026, tlcinbflo, Jules Hawke, SimoneTRH, Candle in the Night, Sita, Maria, Shaun, Simone and the guests! Your reviews really brightened my day! Thank you!**

* * *

"Commander!" James hastily followed Shepard as she hurried away from him, walking so quickly that he had to jog a little to catch up with her, "Hey! Commander! What's going on?"

The way that Kaidan had been watching them, even though they had only been greeting each other as friends and comrades, had shaken James a little bit, so he could imagine how unpleasant it must have been for Rennah. It had only been for an instant, but Kaidan had stared at them with such jealousy that it had made James instantly wish that Rennah _hadn't_ pulled him into that half-embrace. After seeing Kaidan in action today, he wasn't someone that James wanted to have angry at him, and from Rennah's perspective it wasn't going to be easy commanding a ship if she had a jealous ex-lover to contend with.

_You don't even know if they were an item, idiot!_

Shepard was still ignoring him, or pretending she hadn't heard him as she strode away, her long legs carrying her quickly towards the elevator as James tried again, "Shepard!"

She stopped and whirled around quickly, looking at him impatiently as her eyes flashed. "We don't have time for this, _Lieutenant_!"

The use of his title was enough to make Vega hesitate and rethink what he was going to say as he looked at Rennah properly; she looked like she'd been through hell and back. Her face was splattered with blood, she was caked with dust and her uniform had blackened smears of husk gore all over it. Although she was standing proud and tall, there was a tension in her body and face, and James wasn't sure if it was because of the Reapers destroying their world outside, or because of Kaidan Alenko and the way he'd just looked at her.

"Don't blow me off then!" He kept his distance as they talked and kept his voice low, since whatever was making Rennah this jumpy wasn't going to be improved by him shouting at her. "What the hell was _that_? Why did you run away from me back there?"

_Sound professional! Not emotional!_

"I didn't run away, I just don't want people getting the wrong idea about us." Shepard spoke quietly too and glanced over to where Kaidan had been standing, but he'd turned around and was now busying himself with his gun. "We're at war and we have Reapers outside invading our planet, so I'm sorry if my behaviour is a little erratic but I'm _slightly_ preoccupied. Now, we have to go."

James wasn't an idiot and he could understand everything Rennah wasn't telling him; she didn't want people thinking that she'd been sleeping with her guard for six months on Earth. And by people, she mainly meant Kaidan.

"Wait…" He blinked and focused on the last thing she'd said, "What do you mean we have to _go_? Go where?"

Rennah indicated with her head that they had to keep moving, and she continued walking again, James at her side as they approached the weapon lockers where Kaidan was now watching them again. He looked so normal that James was half convinced that maybe he'd imagined the look in his eyes earlier, and that maybe it had been a trick of the light or maybe just paranoia. _Maybe I'm blowing this way out of proportion_ , James thought to himself as Alenko hefted his gun and glanced at him, _maybe I'm reading this entire situation wrong..._

"What's going on, Shepard?" Kaidan put his gun down on the bench and crossed the floor towards them, frowning slightly at Rennah as she glanced only briefly at him and then looked determinedly back at James.

"We're leaving. Anderson ordered us to the Citadel…"

"Bullshit!" James broke in, unable to help himself. "There are Reapers down there destroying our world and I'm supposed to believe that Anderson ordered us to abandon the Earth? No way, Commander! He wouldn't order us to leave…"

"Well he did, _Lieutenant_." Rennah interrupted him with a voice like steel, using his title again as she stepped forward and angrily jabbed a finger into his chest. The warning was in her tone; _don't argue with me._

Her eyes which were usually so beautiful, were a sharp crystallised amethyst and flecks of biotic blue burned in them as she stared him down. With her deathly pale skin, ebony black hair and the flecks of blood down her face she looked terrifying as she glared at him. The biotic power that flowed off her tingled along his skin, although aside from her eyes glowing blue, she wasn't even showing signs of a biotic aura. Was she really that powerful?

James stepped back a little, intimidated by the anger in her voice and the look in her eyes more than he was her biotic ability. For the first time since he'd met her, he found himself facing Commander Shepard instead of Rennah Shepard, and the change in her demeanour was a slap in the face. He'd known she was ruthless and a driven leader, but after six months of being in charge he was used to saying what he thought and doing what he thought best.

"I just don't…" He started to talk again but Rennah's eyes seemed to swirl with blue as her biotics flared with her anger and she cut him off again.

" _That's enough_." Her voice was low and threatening and James subsided, aware that he was pushing the bounds of insubordination with his current behaviour. "If you don't like it then I'll drop you off at the Citadel and you can find your own way back to Earth from there. Until then, _deal with it_."

She glared at him angrily and stepped back, no doubt waiting for him to argue some more, but James forced himself to back down with a nod, aware that he'd been completely out of line, but humiliated nonetheless. After six months as her guard, it was going to be difficult to remember she was his superior and his commanding officer; but he was damned if he would apologise for his outburst! Maybe Shepard was fine with running away from Earth and leaving people to die, but he wasn't.

"The citadel? Why are we going there?" Kaidan interrupted them gently and drew her attention away from James, his own body language so mild and his expression so neutral that Shepard didn't take umbrage with his question or the interruption. "I thought the Normandy would have been more valuable on Earth to help fight the Reapers?"

Rennah drew in a deep breath and faced Kaidan as the blue faded from her eyes, "He wants us to get support from our alien allies. He knows we can't win this alone…"

"Hey Commander! I've got Admiral Hackett on the coms for you." The voice of the pilot over the intercom interrupted her, but rather than look irritated as James would have expected, she glanced up at one of the security cameras in the shuttle bay disbelievingly.

"Is that _you_ , Joker?"

"Yes Ma'am." The pilot, Joker, sounded every bit as pleased as Shepard did, and James felt more left out than ever.

She grinned in the direction of the camera, "It's good to hear your voice, Joker."

"You too, Commander. I'll patch Hackett through down there."

The terminal near the weapons bench lit up and Shepard immediately approached it and accepted the message, the fuzzy screen showing a distorted double image of Hackett. Electronic noise crackled through the reception as he spoke to Shepard, and although his message was understandable, it was impossible to hear every word he said. He seemed to be ordering them to go to the Mars archives, although thanks to the distortion James was having a hard time understanding why Mars could be so important when they had a Reaper invasion to contend with.

James had always found Hackett to be slightly intimidating; he was so grizzled and battle scarred that you knew he'd earned his ranking through sweat and blood. The only person Hackett spoke to without sounding like he was about to tear shreds off them was Shepard, and when he'd commented about this to Rennah months ago on Earth, she'd replied that Hackett had torn shreds off her plenty of times, it was just that he'd learned that getting angry at her wasn't the best way to get results.

"Mars, huh?" Kaidan had drifted over near him, his assault rifle back in his hands as he looked at James mildly, "I wonder why Hackett is ordering us there?"

"I don't know." James shrugged and tried not to feel awkward with Kaidan beside him. "There must be something there though."

Kaidan glanced back at Rennah and hefted his gun as though reassuring himself with its weight, "Well, whatever the reason, if he's sending Commander Shepard it's sure to be a hell of a fight. You can count on that."

As if on cue, Shepard ended the transition and turned around to face them, her expression on of concern as she stared off into space for a second. James wanted to ask her what was on Mars, but after the way he'd questioned her earlier he wasn't willing to speak up. He watched her quietly, noticing that her eyes looked worried and her face was shadowed; over the past six months he'd become an expert at reading her body language, and he knew that something about the mission had her worried.

"So why Mars?" It was Kaidan who stepped forward, his handsome face trained on Rennah as she glanced up at him and then back at James, seemingly surprised to see them both still standing there. It was almost as though she'd been off in her own world while she was speaking to Hackett.

"I'm not sure, but he said Liara was working on something big there. Something to do with a weapon that could stop the Reapers." She drew in a deep breath and glanced down at her ripped and torn battle uniform, frowning slightly, "The facility has gone quiet, which is never good, especially when it sounds like this may be our only shot at finding a way to stop the Reapers."

"Trust Liara to be buried under a pile of Prothean data." Kaidan joked and Shepard spared him a brief and weary smile, although she seemed too distracted to really care about his joke.

_Something has her worried._

James nodded to himself; he'd never been to Mars himself, but he knew that a lot of sensitive information and data from the Prothean ruins were stored at the Mars Archives. Although, if this weapon had been at the archives all this time, why was it that they were only finding out about it now? Why had it taken decades to find it and why had they so conveniently found it _now_? Why had the facility gone dead? Was it Reapers or had something else happened?

Something definitely didn't feel right about this whole Mars mission.

James dragged himself from his thoughts to find Shepard's eyes trained on him, although she looked away as soon as he met her eyes and he wasn't able to read what was in them. Was she still angry at his insubordination? Was she regretting bringing him along? God he hoped not. He watched as she idly picked up a piece of armour off a repair bench and looked down at it thoughtfully before tossing it back to the bench.

"Joker, set a course for Mars." She looked at both of the men again and James' favourite wicked little smile crossed her face, "Gentlemen let's suit up and get ready for business."

"Aye aye, ma'am." James pivoted and followed Shepard and Kaidan to the armoury, determined to give the Commander no other reason to doubt him.

In the armoury Shepard went straight for a locker which had clearly been hers, and he heard her sigh audibly in relief when she found her N7 armour and several spare BDUs inside. It was only with a great force of will that James was able to make himself look away as she started stripping off and he focused on finding a uniform and armour that would fit him. It took some looking, but eventually he found a standard alliance military BDU in his size and some armour which would do the trick.

"Shepard! Are those…are those tattoos real?" Kaidan voice was incredulous and James looked over to see him half in his amour, staring at Shepard with his mouth open as he held his chest plate in one hand.

_Had he been watching her…?_

Rennah was facing the lockers and putting her armour on, the lower half of her body was covered, but she only wore a bra on the top half and all of those wonderful tattoos were exposed. For a moment there was silence and Shepard seemed like she was going to ignore his question, then she very deliberately pulled the top half of her armour on and began fastening it. Within moments the tattoos were covered up and James quickly looked away and continued putting his own armour plating on, wishing his armour would hurry up and seal in place so he could leave.

"Yeah, they're real. I got them some time _after_ Horizon." When she finally spoke up, Shepard's voice was far too casual and friendly for James' liking, and when he risked a brief look up he saw that Kaidan was standing there frozen and was decidedly pale in the face. The atmosphere in the room was frosty and the only sounds that could be heard was those of Shepard dressing.

Obviously something significant had happened between them on Horizon and it hadn't been good, because even though Shepard had spoken without a hint of negativity in her voice, her comment about Horizon had been too pointed to be an accident. James knew the sound of ' _fuck you'_ even when the words weren't being spoken, and Shepard's comments had definitely had that kind of a ring to them. The only mystery was whether she'd made the comment because she was annoyed that Kaidan had been watching her change, or because she was still angry about what had happened between them.

_Not your business, Vega._

After a moment, Kaidan continued dressing without comment, but the room remained uncomfortably tense. James tried not to dwell on it, but it was hard; Kaidan had broken one of the golden rules about suiting up: you didn't stare at your crew mates - even if they _were_ incredibly sexy babes. Everyone knew that when you were getting ready for a mission you focused on your own armour and kept your eyes to yourself. You didn't watch your commanding officer getting changed, and you didn't blurt out comments about their body…

"Vega, check my seals would you?" Rennah's voice interrupted him as he went to clip on his final shoulder guard, and he looked up to find her standing in front of him, her eyes angry and her cheeks flushed.

He couldn't help but glance over her shoulder at Kaidan who was finishing putting his own armour plating on, looking embarrassed and furious with himself. He looked back at Shepard and realised that even though she was speaking normally, she was upset; he could see the signs of strain around her eyes. Kaidan, whatever he was to her and whatever they'd once been, still had the power to upset her emotionally.

James nodded and, trying to be tactful for once, said nothing as he checked her suit over carefully, surprised when she took his shoulder guard and fastened it on to him herself and then checked his suit over too. The feeling of her hands hooking up a piece of his armour was strangely intimate and he swallowed hard as she maneuvered the guard into place and locked it in. As she stepped back she met his eyes and James felt himself blush like a teenager, cursing himself for being so transparent as she smirked at him and stepped back.

_At least you cheered her up!_

"Looking _good_ , Lieutenant." She tried to hide her smirk but wasn't quite successful as she gave him the all clear and then walked out, ignoring Kaidan even though he held out a hand towards her as she walked past him.

"Commander…" His voice trailed off as she walked out, her icy demeanour as good as a slap in the face.

"I'll check your suit, Major." Vega didn't like the uncomfortable and embarrassing silence any more than Kaidan did, and he motioned for the biotic solider to come over to him, unsure if he felt sorry for Kaidan or annoyed at him; it seemed like the guy just kept putting his foot in his mouth with Shepard.

"That was so stupid of me." Kaidan rubbed his temples with one hand as though he were getting a headache, his eyes looking muddied and stressed, "I just glanced up and saw all the colour and, well, I was just surprised to see them…"

"She didn't have any tattoos back when you knew her?" James knelt down to check the back of Kaidan's legs, trying to ignore the strange biotic tingle he felt as he ran hands over the seals.

Kaidan shook his head, "No. Well, I mean she had her gang tattoo at the back of her neck, but that thing was tiny and she hated it."

 _Gang tattoo?_ James nodded as he remembered that Shepard _had_ been in the Tenth Street Reds as a child. In fact she'd been with them from a really young age until she'd enlisted in her late teens; a mixture of bad luck and a penchant for trouble guiding her to the kind of life James had almost become entangled in himself thanks to his father. Her history with gangs and violence was on her public service record, although huge chunks of the information had been redacted and blacked out. It had always made James wonder what she'd been doing when the Alliance recruiters had found her and convinced her to join up. She'd said nothing publicly about it, which indicated that whatever she'd been into hadn't been pretty.

"Well, she told me she likes these tattoos." James stood up and started checking his back seals, but Kaidan turned to face him, his eyes wary as he looked at Vega again as though trying to figure him out.

"You mean _you've_ seen them?" The statement was partly an accusation and partly curiosity.

"Well, yeah." James shrugged, "When she got out of the hospital she had a bit of trouble dressing on the first day and I helped her. I've got a few tattoos myself so I asked her about them. She didn't tell me much aside from the fact that some guy called Jack did them."

"Jack?" Kaidan slowly turned back around so Vega could finish checking his suit, "Who the hell is Jack?"

"Not a clue." Vega finished the suit and gave Kaidan a tap on the shoulder to let him know he was done. "I'll see you out there."

He left Alenko to finish checking the seals on his arms and left the armoury to get his guns, surprised to see Shepard leaning against the wall next to the elevator, her head back as she rested there with her eyes closed and an odd smile on her face. She looked very peaceful and quite at odds with the emotional Rennah who'd checked over his suit only minutes ago. He approached her carefully and she opened her lovely eyes, looking at him briefly before looking around the shuttle bay, that same strange smile on her face.

"Commander? Is everything okay?" James asked quietly, not wanting to spoil whatever it was that was making Rennah look so happy.

_I've never seen her look so peaceful._

"Yeah I just…it just hit me." She pushed away the wall and straightened up, " _I'm home_. After months of being cooped up on Earth, I'm finally back home again."

Rennah quietly walked forward to one of the weapon benches and trailed her hand along it, touching the ship as some men handled their favourite car; with reverence and love. The ship, he supposed, had been her home for quite a long time; she'd fought on this ship, lived on this ship and even died here. The Earth, even though it was a place where she'd been born, wasn't her home. Hell, according to Shepard's service records she'd barely been back to Earth in all the years since she left it.

"You know, I'd hug this ship if I could." Shepard smile was aimed exclusively at him as she talked and her eyes twinkled as she glanced around. "The Normandy has saved my skin more times than I can count. I've had some of the best and worst times on this ship, but it's always been here for me…" She broke off quickly as Kaidan came out and her smile faded away as he looked at her. "More than I can say for some things in my life." She muttered quietly, more to herself than to James.

_So, the plot thickens; Kaidan Alenko wasn't there for her when she needed him._

James pretended not to have heard Shepard's bitter comment as Kaidan approached them, his face entreating and apologetic, "Can I talk to you in private, Commander?"

"Of course, Major." Shepard managed to school her face into a more pleasant expression as she gestured to the far corner of the shuttle bay, waiting for Kaidan to precede her.

"Make it snappy; we're on the final approach to Mars now." Joker's voice came over the intercom, and James wondered if the pilot was listening to everything they said down here.

He picked out an assault rifle, a shotgun and a handgun for himself as Shepard and Alenko took themselves off into a corner and spoke quietly, trying not to be too obvious as he waited for them at the open Shuttle without staring at them. Every now and again though he heard Rennah's angry voice, but Alenko appeared to be keeping his cool and eventually they finished their talk and came back to join James, Shepard hopping into the shuttle without a backwards glance for either of them.

"Let's go, Lieutenant." Maybe it was James' imagination, but he thought Alenko sounded angry as he gestured for James to climb aboard.

Kaidan climbed aboard last and locked the shuttle door down as James started up the shuttle and waited for Joker to open the bay doors. It was strange, but as he left the Normandy and approached the dry red planet, the feeling that something was about to go very wrong only increased.

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**A/N – I enjoyed the little James/Shepard interactions in this chapter. I hope you did too! Now, I'm on holidays from work for the next two weeks so hopefully I'll have some extra time to write a little more frequently.**

**As always, please review! :)**


	7. Try to Justify

_Disclaimer: I don't own Mass Effect_

**A/N – Thank you very much to the people who are reading and reviewing. I love reading your comments and feedback! And hello to the people who are following along! *Waves***

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James had never been good at flying; he'd flunked the shuttle flight portion of his Alliance training twice and had barely scraped through on his third attempt, so guiding a shuttle through Mars' atmosphere, with Shepard hovering behind him was the last thing on Earth he wanted to be doing. His fingers felt fat and clumsy and he had to concentrate hard not to make mistakes or fumble the controls; it was like going for his shuttle license all over again.

The planet's atmosphere buffered the small shuttle around and James adjusted the stabilisers to compensate, trying to ignore Shepard's gauntleted hand resting on the backrest in his peripheral vision. Once the stabilisers had kicked in properly, the shuttle cut through the planet's atmosphere like butter and as they completed the re-entry, the view screen cleared up and James whistled in appreciation as he saw the huge storm on the horizon. The red clouds boiled up into the upper stratosphere and were periodically discharging frightening bolts of lightning; it was an impressive sight. He felt the chair he was sitting on shift as Shepard pushed away and he heard the seals hiss as she put her helmet on, walking back out into the troop deck where Kaidan was sitting.

Once Shepard was gone it was easier for James to both breathe and think as he ran a search quick search of the facilities status and confirmed everything EDI had told him not long ago; the facility was offline with no data available. The Archive building was much bigger than he'd expected and sprawled out in all directions like a giant silver spider sitting on a red rock. Muttering under his breath, James ran a second search for a landing zone, and once he had located the landing beacon for the Archives he brought the shuttle in low to land, grateful that he was able to land the shuttle without crashing it for a change.

"Commander, there's still no contact from the facility." James quickly put his helmet and moved away from the controls, eager to put some distance between himself and the shuttle. "We've also got a massive storm heading our way and once it hits it's going to disrupt our communication with the Normandy."

"Of course, because nothing can ever be too easy for us." Shepard's faintly sarcastic voice came in clearly through the receiver in his helmet as he entered the troop deck to find she and Kaidan already armed and waiting. James quickly pulled his assault rifle out and when Shepard saw he was ready she opened the hatch and nodded to him. "Let's do this quick and hope that maybe it's just a downed transceiver."

Shepard jumped out with her hand gun firmly in her grasp; Kaidan following hot on her heels with James in tow, the two of them doing a preliminary check of the area around the shuttle while Shepard scouted a little way ahead.

"That's one heck of a storm." James commented to Kaidan as he locked the shuttle down and then made to follow Shepard who he could see crouched up ahead behind a tumbles of rocks and boulders; intently watching whatever was on the other side.

"Not really." Kaidan had been silent for the entire ride down in the shuttle, and now that he was finally speaking he sounded distracted and slightly dismissive. "It's pretty average for Mars."

"Well, it's going be bad for communication either way; standard storm or not." James tried to keep his voice light as they finished their search and jogged to catch up with Shepard, determined not to take Kaidan's tone personally.

Kaidan's dark visor made it impossible for James to see his face and get a read on his emotional state, but he was acting as though he was seriously annoyed with something. Possibly himself and the way he'd blurted out the question about Shepard's tattoos or maybe at whatever she'd said to him when he asked her to speak privately. Really, it was none of James' business, but he wished he knew what the two of them had said to each other back in the docking bay, because Kaidan had been brooded silently the entire flight down while Shepard had avoided him and stayed up front with James.

"We have trouble." Rennah's voice came in through the receiver in his helmet, and James saw her put her hand gun away and draw her sniper rifle, lining up a shot. "Looks like Cerberus."

" _Cerberus_?" Kaidan took cover next to Shepard, quickly looking over the boulders at the troops beyond. "Are they...? They're executing them!"

James took cover behind a low rock wall on the other side of the rough path from Shepard and Alenko. The path led down the hill to the Mars facility and the Cerberus soldiers below seemed completely ignorant of their presence as they forced an Alliance scientist to his knees and then shot him in the head.

"Shit!" Shepard's voice growled and an instant later he heard her sniper rifle fire off and saw the Cerberus trooper's head explode into a red mist.

The other troops quickly scattered for cover, but not before Kaidan leaped over the rock wall with his assault rifle blazing; taking out another Cerberus trooper before he ducked back behind a boulder, firing periodically to keep them at bay. James waited patiently behind his own small rock wall until a trooper bumbled into view, trying to keep out of Kaidan's line of sight. He quickly fired a short burst and the trooper fell to the ground dead almost before he knew someone was shooting at him. James started to sight on another of the troopers when he heard Shepard's sniper rifle go off again and saw the same man he was lining up in his cross hairs, get reduced to a fine red paste.

A spray of bullets whizzed angrily past James' head and he ducked down behind the wall in time to see Shepard vault over the rocks she had been behind and hurl a singularity at the group of troopers firing on him; all three of them were lifted from the ground as they flailed helplessly. James didn't waste the opportunity and fired on all three of them before they could fall to the ground and retreat. Kaidan took out the last man, an engineer who had been attempting to set up a turret system, and then they all regrouped near the bodies of the Alliance scientists and soldiers.

"Shepard, what are Cerberus doing here?" The suspicion in Kaidan's voice was obvious and James winced to hear it, knowing how much Shepard loathed the organisation she had worked for, but surprisingly she kept her cool.

"Not a clue, but it doesn't look like they're here in force." The Commander sounded calm, cool and collected as she pointed at the ground assault vehicles parked nearby; a token amount and not enough to make up a real assault force.

James almost applauded Rennah's response to Kaidan. She had deftly sidestepped his passive-aggressive accusation and chosen instead to take the question innocently; an impressive move considering how angry she usually became when people accused her of working for Cerberus. Once she'd been brought back from a Defence Committee meeting because she'd apparently let fly with some colourful and choice language when one of the members had insinuated that Shepard might still be working for them The fact that she was making an effort not to snap at Alenko when he was making such pointed little remarks was nothing short of miraculous.

"We should head inside." Shepard pointed at the ramp ahead which led into the facility. "We might be able to get to the bottom of this."

James nodded and followed Kaidan and Shepard up the ramp, checking behind them in case any of the Cerberus troops had been hiding out and planning to shoot them in the back of the head. None did, and they made it safely inside, Rennah quickly closing the airlock doors and starting to cycle the air. She stowed her sniper rifle away again and drew her handgun, switching the ammo type to fire before loading it. James quickly checked his own clip and then readied his gun again, certain that they were probably going to find more trouble inside.

Before the airlock could cycle though, he saw Kaidan heading determinedly towards Shepard, and even with his helmet on James knew he was about to tackle the Cerberus issue again. There was something in the way he held himself and the way he was walking that seemed almost determinedly assertive. James wanted to stop the man and slap him on the back of the head to tell him that he was being stupid! The rest of the upper Alliance brass knew that Shepard was on their side and believed her, so why the hell didn't _he_?

But James stood back and let Kaidan go forward; he wasn't here to protect Rennah anymore and she could more than handle herself. Besides, if Kaidan wanted to keep pushing this issue than James wasn't going to stop him. It was pathetic, but part of him hated the idea that Shepard might still care for Alenko and _that_ was why she was reacting so emotionally to him. James knew he being was a stupid, jealous idiot, but even though he knew he didn't have a snowball's chance in hell of even registering on her radar, he still didn't want to see Rennah blissfully happy with another man.

_You're nothing but a jealous fool, Vega!_

"Shepard, I'm not letting this go." His voice, even over the coms, sounded painfully accusatory and James shook his head in disbelief.

"Kaidan…" Rennah's tone was placating, and for a moment James thought she might actually be able to avoid the oncoming argument, but the biotic stubbornly pushed on.

 _He's like a blind and deaf man walking towards oncoming traffic; completely ignorant everyone shouting at him to get off the road,_ James thought to himself as he saw Shepard put a hand to her head in frustration.

"Don't Kaidan me!" The stress in Kaidan's voice rose and he began to pace, "This is serious and I want a straight answer! Do you know anything about this?"

"Oh for crying out loud, Kaidan! I left Cerberus months ago! I blew up the Collector base the Illusive Man wanted me to save and then stole the ship he'd given me. Why would I know _anything_ about why they're here?" Rennah was angry now and the emotion was threaded warningly in her words, but more than that, James could hear the frustration in her voice.

"You worked for them for months!" Alenko's voice was less sure than it had been a minute ago, and under all of his suspicion James heard pain. "They rebuilt you! They gave you a new Normandy and funded you. What am I supposed to think?" He sighed and came to a stop in front of Shepard, his hands outstretched in appeal.

Rennah was quiet for a second and then she spoke again; quietly but with fury in her voice that was so strong it made James was grateful it wasn't being aimed at him, "I'm only going to say this once, so listen carefully: I used Cerberus to take down the Collectors and save lives. I haven't had any contact with Cerberus since I left them and I don't know why they're here."

Kaidan still didn't seem willing to give up, and he stepped even closer to Rennah, as though trying to see her face through the visor, "Yeah but…"

"I'm not going to do this anymore, _Major_."

James shivered at the icy tone in her voice and decided to weigh in, "Commander Shepard has been under constant watch since she handed herself in. There's no way she's been in contact with Cerberus."

Rennah looked at him and even though he couldn't see her face, her saw her nod slightly at him and he felt better about interrupting their private little fight. He tried not to think about the omni-tools she had had access too while she'd been in his custody. Realistically, he had no idea of her tech ability, so it was possible that she had actually been in contact with Cerberus, but he didn't believe for a second that she had. Shepard would never betray the Alliance to Cerberus, he would have staked his life on it.

Alenko sighed as the fight went out of him and he turned away from Shepard, "I'm sorry Shepard. It's just that…"

He was interrupted as the airlock finally cycled and the room pressurised, breathable air rushing in through the vents. James was quick to remove his helmet; even though wearing it had saved his life on a number of occasions, he found it to be claustrophobic and he hated how they impeded his peripheral vision. Shepard and Kaidan both removed their helmets a little more slowly, Rennah pausing to shake out her long dark hair as she turned back around to face Kaidan; her violet eyes unmistakably bitter.

"You of all people should know me better than that, Kaidan. You don't like Cerberus? Great. Neither do I, but I'm done explaining myself to you every time you decide to get all snide and suspicious." The bitterness in her eyes was matched in equal parts by the anger in her tone and she turned away from him again as the hangar doors above them opened and the platform began to rise up to the next floor.

Kaidan was silent and as Shepard walked away from him, and James saw his armoured shoulders fall in defeat as he raised a hand to his forehead in regret. Then, with an obvious effort he shook it off and hefted his gun as he glanced up at the doors opening above them. James tried not to look at Kaidan as he moved to Shepard's side in a silent show of support, still a little flabbergasted at how stupid Alenko was being; it was almost like the man wanted an excuse to be mad at her.

As the floor drew level with what looked like a hangar or garage they heard noise; loud clunking sounds followed by gunfire coming from the vents above them, and all three of them ran for cover behind a ground vehicle, Shepard sticking close to the front so she could see what was going on. As James crouched next to her, his shoulder just touching hers, he kept his gun at the ready, certain that any minute now they were going to get swarmed by Cerberus troops. He heard the loud bang of metal hitting the floor, following by the buzzing sound of someone using biotics and then more gun fire. When the last gunshot had died away, Shepard chuckled next to him and pushed out from cover, holstering her gun as she strode forward recklessly.

_Laughing? Why was she laughing?_

Confused, James swung out to follow her, almost but not quite missing the gutted look Kaidan was still wearing across his face as he followed after James. _Stay focused on the mission, Vega!_ He told himself as he brought his gun up and came around the corner just in time to see a beautiful Asari holstering a hand gun, two dead Cerberus troops lying on the ground next to her. He raised his gun to keep her in his sights and almost jumped when Shepard casually pushed his gun back down, glancing at him with a weary smile.

"Easy these, Vega. She's one of us."

James casually lowered his weapon, feeling embarrassed again and glancing back uneasily at Kaidan who had watched their exchange without saying a word. When he met Kaidan's eyes the other man gave him a smile and a nod as he lowered his own rifle, as if to reassure him that it was okay to put the gun down.

"Liara." Shepard called her name softly and moved forward without a backwards glance for either of the men, as the Asari woman looked up at them with surprise on her face.

"Shepard! Kaidan!" The relief in her tone was palpable and she came forwards to meet them, sweeping Shepard into a hug that was so out of character for Rennah to take that James half expected her to shove the Asari away; but she didn't. "Thank the Goddess you're both alive! I was so worried about you! I heard the Reapers hit Earth almost as hard as they did Khar'shan."

"Khar'shan? The Batarian home world?" Kaidan had stepped up next to them, leaving James to stand awkwardly behind him, and Liara released Shepard to shake Kaidan's hand. "They hit Earth pretty hard, but I wasn't sure how far they had advanced."

"Far enough. My reports showed that they obliterated the Batarian home world in almost no time at all before they moved on. Reaper forces seem to be everywhere at the moment, which makes what I was doing here so important." Liara waved for them to follow her as she strode quickly to a console and pulled up some files. "I discovered plans for a Prothean device that could wipe out the Reapers."

"Impressive." James kept pace with Kaidan as they walk, and the darker hair man nodded in agreement with him. "But why are we only finding out about this now? And why are Cerberus here?"

Liara turned to glance at him curiously as he joined them at the console, "We found the files mostly through luck and desperation. Hackett had been doing all he could to prepare for an invasion while your Alliance had Shepard under investigation on Earth, and I wasn't willing to sit by and wait while either. Hackett asked me to use my resources as the Shadow Broker to help him…"

"Wait! You're the Shadow Broker?" The words burst from Kaidan in surprise as he stared open-mouthed at Liara. "When did this happen? Why didn't I know about this?"

Liara looked at him in mild reproach, "It happened quite some time ago; Shepard helped me take down the old broker, but I wasn't going to announce my new position to the world, Major."

"So you knew about this?" Kaidan had turned his surprise on Rennah now; a mistake.

"Well, I would have invited you along, Kaidan, but you were busy being an _Alliance soldier_ on Horizon." The acid in Shepard's tone was unmistakable and James saw Liara shift uncomfortably as Kaidan looked down, his eyes shadowed.

"Yes well," She cleared her throat to get their attention, "my position as the Shadow Broker aside, we need to get to the archives and retrieve the blueprints for the device. The archives are just beyond that tramway you can see through the window; assuming Cerberus hasn't locked it down." Her voice was evenly toned and she showed no other signs that she noticed the uncomfortable exchange between Kaidan and Rennah.

"What the hell are Cerberus doing here anyway? They seemed pretty desperate to get _you_." James moved so he was facing Liara, glancing at her curiously; she seemed so unassuming and totally not the kind of person he would have pegged to be the Shadow Broker.

She met his stare evenly, not flinching at all. "They're after the same thing I am; the blue prints for the device."

"That sounds like Cerberus, all right." Kaidan nodded and looked squarely at Liara, "They'd want to control anything that powerful…" He trailed off and glanced at Shepard, as though wondering if that was why the Illusive Man had rebuilt her.

The look wasn't accusatory, just thoughtful.

"Anything powerful enough to destroy the Reapers would definitely be something that the Illusive Man would want to control." Rennah agreed with Kaidan, looking at him and managing to nod as she began to draw her gun, glancing at the doors behind them that led into the base as they heard shouts and clunks from behind them. "Looks like we have company."

"Bring it on." James checked his rifle and brought it up; this was what he was good at! Shooting the bad guys and holding his ground!

"Not this time, Vega. I want you out in the shuttle." Shepard interrupted him abruptly, moving to stand in front of him and pointing at the lift platform that had brought them up.

He couldn't believe she was doing this! He'd come this far with her and Kaidan with no problem at all; she'd seen him in action so she had to know he was good in combat. So why send him back to the shuttle like a worthless grunt? Like a child that had to be punished?

"But…"

"Don't argue, Lieutenant." Rennah stepped closer and her eyes held a silent appeal as she held a hand up to interrupt him, "I need someone out there that I can trust, James. If Cerberus gets the data and tries to run I need you to be waiting to stop them. "

James nodded and kept his voice low as he replied, "Of course Shepard, just be careful. Things won't be so easy in a fire fight without me watching your back." He grinned cheekily as she laughed softly and then activated the lift.

"Smart ass." Her indigo eyes watched him until he vanished, the look in them enough to make James wish he could stay by her side. "And thanks for not mentioning the…" She tapped her omni-tool and winked at him as he disappeared from view.

James fitted his helmet, feeling irrationally pleased at her faith in him. He just hoped that Kaidan could stay focused on the mission and keep his head in the game while he fought at her side. Still, Shepard trusted him to back her up in fight, and she would know what Alenko was capable of far better than he did.

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**A/N – Gosh, I meant to get this out a lot sooner but my husband kept insisting I do stuff outside the house on my holidays! Outside! In the sun! With other people! Oh well, hopefully I'll manage two chapters next week! I hope everyone enjoyed this chapter ^_^**

**More to come soon…and as always let me know what you thought in a review!**


	8. The Things I Used To Do

_Disclaimer: I don't own Mass Effect_

**A/N – Thank you for the reviews! My hubby must have listened as he left me alone for the day to be all reclusive and anti-social! Now, I'm afraid this is a rather Kaidan-heavy chapter, but he was a big part of Shepard's life and it's only fair to show what she'd really thinking about him. Especially as we all know what happens to him on Mars!**

**Thank you to Jules Hawk, TLCinbflo, Candle in the Night, Sita, Samolfran, Simone TRH, Shaun, Wendi and Gongora's Girl for reviewing ^_^  
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Rennah found dealing with the Cerberus troops almost _too_ easy as she, Liara and Kaidan fought their way through the base. With their combined biotic ability and Kaidan's tech, they were able to make mincemeat out of the troops they came across and were making good time towards the tram station. The discovery that Doctor Eva was the Cerberus mole who had brought about the deaths of the research team and soldiers had given Shepard a target to focus her rage on, and she was now determined to bring the woman to justice.

As they pushed forward, she was aware of Liara and Kaidan beside her; the three of them working as a team for the first time in years. The irony of having the two people who had refused to help her in her fight against the Collectors, now helping her in the fight against the Reapers was not lost on Rennah, but she didn't dwell on it. After all, Liara had had her own problems with the Shadow Broker and they'd prevented her from helping Shepard, and in retrospect it was probably better that Kaidan hadn't joined her; his issues with her being back from the dead would have been too much to deal with at the time.

Fighting alongside of Kaidan again was bringing back all sorts of memories; memories of knocking him out of the way of the beacon on Eden Prime, memories of their first kiss and their first night together, and memories of the things he'd said on Horizon. She'd thought that time and distance would have lessened the feelings of betrayal and hurt that she felt whenever she thought of Kaidan, but it hadn't. If anything, seeing him again had brought all of her pain and rage more sharply into focus. No matter how sensible she tried to be and how much she tried to keep her mind on the task at hand, a tiny little voice inside of her was constantly screaming that it wasn't fair; she'd done _everything_ right by Kaidan and he'd still turned his back on her!

Rennah felt just as emotional and conflicted as she had when she'd joined the Alliance Military as a desperate and frightened eighteen year old. Back then she'd been running so fast from her past that she'd had no choice but to forget about the terrible things that she'd done and the horrible things that had been done to her. To move on with her life and get through her training, she'd had no choice. God, she hadn't thought about her training in years! Those first few awkward years off the streets and away from her gang had been some of the most difficult of her life.

She'd had tried so hard to act like the other recruits and to fit in, but it had been impossible for her. She'd been great at pushing herself beyond her limits and following orders, but making friends and trusting the people she worked with had been another matter entirely. Rennah refrained from fraternising with the men that asked her out or made passes at her and she had never made close any friends. She tried, but the other recruits had found her to be cold and aloof, and Shepard had found it hard to talk to them.

None of them had known what it was like to be scared of yourself and what you were capable of, and none of them had known how isolating and frightening it was to walk away from your life completely. The more she tried to fit in, the more she realised that she wasn't like _them_.

The simple truth was that Rennah had never found it easy to talk to people and make friends. Oh she could make small talk with the best of them, and she could smile and feign interest in almost any topic under the sun, but she rarely felt any kind of connection to people. Anderson had told her she had trust issues and Hackett had attributed it to a superiority complex, but Shepard knew it was neither of those things; she just didn't understand people. If you couldn't understand people you couldn't connect to them, so she'd kept an emotional distance between herself and everyone around her.

Except with Kaidan.

He'd been the first person, other than David Anderson, who she'd let down her walls enough to talk to and to trust. Rennah had felt a connection with Kaidan; he'd been through something terrible and had come out the other side stronger for it, just like she had. He knew what it was like to have a shadow in your past that you couldn't run from; a shadow you could only learn to live with or go mad. He'd supported her when she'd felt like giving up and had held her in the times when she'd felt alone. He'd been the one person who she had finally trusted enough to actually let herself love…but in the end he'd let her down too.

Her childhood with the Tenth Street Reds had taught her that the only person you could rely upon was yourself, and trusting other people with your life and heart was just asking for trouble. If she'd been a stronger person she would never had forgotten that and let him close, but she'd been a fool. It had been crushing to have Kaidan turn his back on her, and dealing with the pain by getting angry was the only way Shepard knew to keep herself strong. She'd refused to break down and cry, so she'd stayed mad.

If Kaidan wanted to pick fights with her and turn his back on everything they'd meant to each other, than let him. She'd been the idiot that had let her guard down and let him into her heart, so she deserved everything she got. Besides, each time he questioned her loyalty just confirmed that trusting Kaidan Alenko had been the biggest mistake of her life.

_They were nothing alike._

"Commander?"

Rennah blinked quickly and chased the unpleasant thoughts out of her mind as she realised Liara had been speaking to her, "Sorry Liara, what were you saying?"

"Cerberus _has_ locked down the tram controls and that's the only way over." Liara lifted her hands in frustration at the terminal, "I can't bypass their lockout. I'm sorry, Shepard."

"Wait a minute, what about a short range communicator?" Kaidan stepped up to the terminal next to them and Rennah moved slightly to avoid brushing against him, her skin prickling as his biotics tingled against hers. "We can check their helmets for a transceiver and then convince them that we're on their side. Tell them that we've wiped out the Alliance soldiers and need a tram sent back for us."

Liara nodded and her eyes looked hopeful, "Yes, that could work."

"Okay," Shepard nodded at Kaidan and acknowledged that, that personal issues aside, he was a hell of a solider and it was a great idea. "Let's see what we can find."

The three of them backtracked to the tram station where the bodies of several Cerberus troopers lay sprawled on the floor; Kaidan and Shepard having gunned them down only minutes before. Checking the helmets for a transceiver was a good idea; an idea which she should have thought of herself. But she'd been so caught up with Kaidan and his accusations that she had let herself get distracted.

Kaidan knelt by one of the dead troopers and fiddled with his helmet carefully, "We're in luck. He has a transmitter in his helmet…" As he pulled the visor off, he reeled backwards and his voice tightened in revulsion at what lay underneath, "What the hell? He looks like a husk!"

Shepard crouched in the spot that Kaidan had recently vacated, taking the dead man's head in her hands as she turned the helmet this way and that to get a better look at the man inside. The face that stared back at her did indeed resemble that of a husk; the man's skin was a blotchy grey colour with black veins and capillaries spread over his skin. His eyes were gone completely and had been replaced with glowing blue orbs that gave Shepard the chills when she looked into them.

"They've done something to him, alright." Shepard commented more to herself than to Kaidan or Liara as she reached inside the helmet and carefully pulled the transmitter out from inside of it, trying to ignore the putrefying stench that came from the man.

"Shepard, this is monstrous." Kaidan was still watching the Cerberus trooper with horror on his face, and his turned his gaze on Rennah as she stood up with the transmitter in her hand. "How could they do this to their own men? Is this what they did to you?"

"Oh Kaidan…" Liara's soft voice sounded pained and Kaidan glanced at her quickly in confusion before looking back at Shepard, his face genuinely conflicted.

"How can you compare me to _this_?" Shepard felt the rage boil up inside of her again, red hot and so painful she wanted to scream as it built inside of her. "Do I look like this? Is this what you see what you look at me?"

After everything they'd been through today; escaping Earth, fighting Cerberus and looking down the barrel of a full scale Reaper attack, nothing had changed. Kaidan was still doubting her loyalty and still questioning who she really was, and she _hated_ him for it. She was so tired of having to defend herself at every twist and turn; and she shouldn't have to. Yes she had died, and yes Cerberus had brought her back, but no one other than Kaidan seemed to doubt that she was the genuine article.

"No, I just…"

"I'm still _me_ , Kaidan. Why are you the only one who can't see that?" She saw him balk as she stepped forward angrily, her eyes full of everything she wanted to scream at him but kept bottled up inside. "I'm not a puppet, I'm not a clone and I'm not some kind of _husk_."

Why couldn't he see that? Why did he have to keep seeing her as a monster in league with Cerberus instead of the woman he claimed he had once been deeply in love with? From the moment she'd stepped back on board the Normandy with Kaidan, she had felt like he was constantly double guessing her and looking for a reason to mistrust her.

"I'm sorry, Rennah." He looked away and she saw him swallow guiltily, "I'm with you, I always have been…"

"No." She interrupted him quietly with a shake of her head, sick to the stomach with all of his cynicism. "No, you haven't been with me, Kaidan. If you'd been with me then you would have helped me stop the Collectors. If you'd been with me then you wouldn't keep doubting who I am."

Shepard turned away from him and walked to the railing that overlooked the tram line, Liara moving close and standing quietly alongside her as Shepard struggled to get emotions under control. She felt so sick and tired of having to argue and fight with Kaidan every time he got suspicious. It was draining to constantly battle such stubborn resistance every step of the way, especially when the resistance was coming from someone who should have been one hundred percent on her side and supporting her.

Suddenly, Shepard wished she'd sent Kaidan back to the shuttle instead of James.

She felt a ridiculous longing for the Vega's reassuring and capable presence; a longing that he would probably laugh long and hard at if he ever found out about it. James, for all of his ridiculous flirting and his inability to see her as anyone other than ' _Commander Shepard_ ', had never once doubted her. He made her feel secure; even when she'd been at her bitchiest with him on Earth he'd done nothing but keep her safe and support her. God, the man had even been willing to get himself killed for her when those Batarian mercenaries had stormed the compound.

When she'd been lying against the wall injured, bleeding and struggling to stay awake so she could fight, Shepard had barely been able to believe it when James had stepped out to draw the Batarian's attention away from her. It had been brave and stupid and in that instant she realised she'd been totally wrong about him. Even though she was no longer Commander Shepard and was just a prisoner under house arrest, he'd been willing to die for her.

Rennah would never forget that determined look in his brown eyes when he'd realised he was going to get shot but had stayed there anyway to try and protect her. It was the first nice thing anyone had done for her since she had returned to Earth, and she hadn't been willing to sit idly by and let James get himself killed because of her. It had taken the last of her strength and all of her remaining biotic energy, but she'd charged him and knocked him out of the way to save his life. A man as good as James Vega didn't deserve to die for the likes of her, so she'd made sure he hadn't.

She _did_ trust Kaidan to do the right thing and back her up in a fight, but right now she needed more than just a gun at her back; she needed a friend.

* * *

James sighed and wondered what Shepard was up to in the facility below him as he did wide circles around the base, constantly scanning and watching for any signs of movement. So far he'd seen nothing, and after fifteen minutes or so of looking at the red sky, red ground and silver buildings, he was starting to let his mind wander as he circled the shuttle around. At least without Shepard in the cockpit lurking over him he wasn't quite as bad at flying and he didn't feel like he was about to send the shuttle hurtling into the ground.

A distant glimmer coming from the ravine that stretched kilometres deep into the ground next to the facility caught his eye and James instantly snapped out of the daydream he was in as he saw a shuttle coming in low over the Mars facility. From this distance he couldn't tell who is belonged to, but it definitely wasn't an Alliance shuttle, and he was willing to bed his entire poker winnings on the shuttle belonging to Cerberus. He began to bring the shuttle down in a fast descent, silently applauding Shepard on her foresight to send him out here.

As if summoned by his thoughts he heard Shepard's voice over the coms, her voice breathless as though she was running, "Dammit! She's getting away! James? Normandy? Anybody? Someone stop her!"

James saw the shuttle touch down briefly and pick up a tiny fleeing speck before it began to rise again, three other tiny figures, who he assumed were Shepard, Kaidan and Liara, not far behind. The shuttle began to rise faster and he heard Shepard curse colourfully as she realised they were too late to prevent the target from getting away. There wasn't much he could do, James realised as he watched as the shuttle began to rise quicker, this shuttle wasn't equipped with weapons and there weren't many other ways to bring down another ship…

_Unless he forced it down with his own shuttle!_

James gritted his teeth as the insane idea formed and he quickly plotted in an intercept course, accelerating his shuttle to ramming speed as he jammed his helmet back on and hoped he didn't get himself killed. It was a stupidly crazy idea, but it was the only option available to him and the frantic way Shepard had cried out for help told him that this shuttle had to be brought down by any means necessary.

_He wouldn't let her down._

"Don't worry, Commander." James fastened his safety harness and tried not to imagine what she'd think of his little stunt as he hurtled towards the other ship, "I've got this one!"

His shuttle rammed into the front of Cerberus' with a grinding crash of metal and enough forward momentum to almost send James flying; only the flight harness stopped him actually leaving his seat and being hurled forward, although his helmeted head smashed into the control board. The board began to flash with warning lights as alarms sounded and, with his head spinning, he saw the Cerberus shuttle careen back down and hit the ground in a brief fiery crash. Clenching his jaw and ignoring the pain in his head, he managed to push himself more securely into his chair to get control of his own shuttle before carefully bringing it down in a less than graceful landing.

"Whoa! Vega! Did you just do what I think you did?" Joker's amused voice sounded on the coms, interrupting James as he was unbuckling his safety harness with hands that were shaking from adrenaline.

"I took down shuttle the only way I could." James defended himself as he lurched upright and slowly made it from the cockpit to the troop deck and opened the hatch, "I'm not sure I can fly this thing out of here though."

"No problem, I'm inbound now will pick you up in the Normandy." He heard Joker laughing, "You're a crazy son of a bitch, you know?"

"I might have been told that once or twice before." Vega managed to reply, blinking dizzily as the hatch opened and Mars' red light streamed in.

He jumped out, dusted himself off and saw the Cerberus ship smoking nearby with debris spread out in all directions. The inside of the shuttle was clearly aflame, although it couldn't burn properly in Mars' thin atmosphere and was quickly extinguishing, and James drew his weapon just in case any more troops were lurking about. He saw Kaidan helping Liara up, and glanced behind him to see Shepard jogging towards him, her armour marked with more bullet dents than the last time he'd seen her.

"That was a stupid move, Lieutenant." Shepard nudged him on the shoulder as she came to stop behind him, but she didn't sound angry at all; she sounded decidedly pleased, "Good job."

"The Normandy is on its way, Commander. They'll be here soon…"

A loud metallic clanging sound, audible even in Mars' thin atmosphere, drew their attention back to the Cerberus shuttle where the silhouette of a woman was climbing out of the troop deck. Glimmering silver and wreathed in flames the figure stepped out and surveyed them all through glowing eyes. Kaidan was the first to act, drawing his gun and firing at the gynoid as she strode forward and seized him quickly, the bullets he fired at her seeming to have no effect as she grasped him by the helmet and held him high in the air as he struggled.

"Kaidan!" Shepard called his name with such fear that James felt a shiver go down his spine, "No! Let him go!" She moved forward quickly and decisively, her gun held steady as she waited for a shot.

James knelt with his assault rifle up and ready, unsure what was going on or who the woman in silver was, but knowing that Kaidan was in terrible trouble. When the woman did finally move, everything happened so fast that it was impossible for him to do anything to stop what happened next. Even Shepard, who had the fastest reflexes of anyone James had ever met, wasn't able to move quickly enough to stop the gynoid from attempting to kill Kaidan.

She whirled him around in a blur, still holding him by the helmet, and smashed his head against the burning Cerberus shuttle; once, twice and a third time. On the third strike, Kaidan went still and his scream, which James could hear deafeningly loud on his receiver went quiet. He heard Shepard choke on her own breath as she finally found the shot she needed and fired twice at the woman, who let Kaidan drop as the bullets smacked into her and she turned around and began to run at Shepard.

James didn't doubt Shepard would stop the gynoid as she ran towards her in a blur; after all, she was Commander Shepard and it would take more than one measly cyborg to stop her. But it was still terrifying to watch as the machine bore down on her, so fast that every bullet James fired from his assault rifle missed her. But not Shepard's. It took three hits before the robot went down, but down she went; her mechanical body sparking as it thudding to the ground and rolled to a stop near Shepard's feet.

"Grab that thing and bring it with us." Rennah's voice was calm, and there wasn't a trace of the fear that had been there earlier as she ran forward to Kaidan.

James obeyed, bending down to scoop the heavy body into his arms and throw it over his shoulder, grunting as it took most of his strength to stand upright. He was strong and worked hard to keep himself in peak condition, but the mechanical body was heavier than it looked and it took him a moment to balance his weight. Whatever the woman was, she wasn't even slightly human and the alloy she was made of was damned weighty.

"Commander, we have Reapers inbound. We have to leave now!" Joker's voice, for once sounding serious, claimed James' attention as the Normandy came in fast to hover.

Vega started towards it, the weight of the body over his shoulders easier to carry one he got moving, and he glanced back to see Shepard carrying Kaidan in a fireman's hold. The strength it would taken to lift and carrying Kaidan and his armour was mind boggling, but Shepard did it without even looking like it was a struggle. Whether it was pure strength or sheer determination, James couldn't tell, but they were able to make it onto the Normandy as the shapes of Reapers materialised in the sky above them and Joker got them out of there.

Shepard led the way through the shuttle bay and into the elevator without speaking, Liara holding the doors and hitting the button for the crew deck where the infirmary was located. Once the doors where shut and the elevator was climbing, the Asari moved quickly to Kaidan and removed his helmet and Shepard's, checking Kaidan's vitals with hands that James could see were shaking. James pulled his own helmet off with difficulty as he kept the gynoid balanced on his shoulder, and moved to get a better look at Kaidan who didn't seem to be moving or breathing as far as he could tell.

"Liara, is he…" Rennah's voice trembled as she spoke and she couldn't seem to finish the sentence, her breath catching in her throat.

"He's alive." Liara was trying to sound brave, but James could hear the worry in her tone, as could Shepard. "But he's badly hurt."

The doors opened and Shepard sped through them, carrying Kaidan's limp body straight to the medical bay where she carefully lay him on a gurney, her arms shaking with the effort to let his prone body down carefully without jarring him. Once Kaidan was down on the table her hands fluttered helplessly over him as she looked down into his face, the look in her own eyes heartbreaking. Whatever had gone on between her and Kaidan, it was now painfully obvious that she still cared about him a great deal and seeing him this close to death was ripping her apart.

James made himself look away, the scene was too intimate and too intense for him to keep watching. He let the metal body he was carrying fall heavily onto the table opposite, giving the cyborg a once over look before turning back to see Liara taking Shepard by the shoulders and turning her away from Kaidan.

"Rennah, he needs medical attention or he's going to die. We have to leave the Sol system now and we have to get to the Citadel." The Asari spoke commandingly and Shepard had no choice but to look away from Kaidan's broken body and focus on her instead.

"I know." She nodded jerkily, her violet eyes standing out starkly in her pale face as she glanced back at Alenko once more, unable to tear her gaze away, "Joker, get us to the Citadel, stat."

"Already on it, Shepard."

Shepard drew in a deep steadying breath, "Okay, Liara do what you can for Kaidan and EDI see what you can find out about that thing." She turned her gaze on the hateful machine briefly before moving back to Kaidan's side, her hand finding his and squeezing it. "Hold on, Kaidan."

James felt helpless and in the way as he stood to one side and watched as Liara gave Kaidan a shot of something and hooked him up to machines that would monitor his heart rate and breathing. That Kaidan was still breathing on his own was a good sign, but even James knew that a head injury was a tricky thing and the amount of force that Kaidan had been exposed to would have been deadly to anyone not wearing armour.

"Commander, I'm picking up a signal from Admiral Hackett." EDI's voice interrupted gently and Shepard reluctantly let go of Kaidan's hand.

"Thanks EDI, I'll take it in the Com room." She turned around and caught James' eyes briefly, the raw emotion in them catching at his heart as she moved past him without saying a word, her pace quacking to a jog as she raced from the room.

Liara finished hooking Kaidan up to the machines and then signalled for James to come over, her blue skin flushed with fatigue and her eyes exhausted as she gave the biotic one more gentle pat on the arm. "Watch the Major, lieutenant. I'm going to need to speak to Admiral Hackett with Shepard, but please call me if his condition changes."

"Sure thing." Vega nodded and moved out of the way as Liara hurried from the room.

He moved to stand closer to Kaidan, trying to ignore the machine lying on the table opposite that had done all this damage, and looked down into his face. Kaidan was deathly pale and far too still for his liking; not even his eyes moved behind his eyelids. Already James could see blue bruising forming around his eyes and temples where he'd been thrown against the inside of his helmet, and his skin was waxy looking and lifeless. The machine had been brutal with her attack and James could understand why Liara was so insistent that they get to the Citadel quickly; Kaidan was in bad shape.

James wasn't sure what to do, other than stand here and feel awkward so he leaned forward and clasped Kaidan's shoulder gently, unsure if the marine would even feel the contact through his amour. But he figured any kind of contact had to be reassuring in the state he was in; knowing that someone was standing beside him, even someone he barely knew, had to count for something.

"Hold on, Major." James told him quietly, giving his shoulder a gentle pat and then settling back against the wall to watch over him, hoping that they would make it to the Citadel in time to save his life.

He didn't especially like the man after the way he'd gone after Shepard today, but he was an excellent soldier and he didn't deserve to die when he'd been trying to save their lives. Besides, the way Shepard had looked at him when she'd lain him down and seen his injuries had shaken James; if anything happened to Kaidan he knew Rennah would blame herself. She'd been in charge of this mission and she'd hold herself responsible for any that happened to any of her people, and she definitely didn't need any more pain.

* * *

**A/N – James is such a nice guy. We-ell, you can count Kaidan out of the story for a bit – poor lad. But then again, this is probably going to be a chance for James and Shepard to get to know each other a little better!**

**I don't mind admitting that I found this chapter tough to write, so let me know what you thought of it! Hopefully it was okay!**


	9. Believe in You

_Disclaimer: I don't own Mass Effect_

**A/N – Big thank you to the people who reviewed the last chapter: Wendi, Beausatchi, Samolfran, Jules Hawk, Shaun, Simeone TRH, TLCinbflo, Blausen, Sita, brandischoch & Candle in the Night. You guys got me to write faster! **

**I actually went for a walk with my dogs after I posted the last chapter, and a women's staffy attacked one of my dogs and bit it badly and by my fingers badly. Luckily my dog is okay after a trip to emergency vet and I just have some bitten up fingers that I can style type with! Yay!  
**

* * *

James had never been a big fan of the Citadel. Sure, it had some fun places, but it was mostly full of shallow people with more money than sense, or at least that was how it had always appeared to him. Today though, when they docked with Kaidan barely clinging to life, he realised he'd never been happier to see the space station, and the look on Shepard's face indicated that she hadn't either. She'd stayed by Kaidan's side through almost the entire journey; holding his hand and talking to him quietly while Liara made arrangements with the Citadel to set up a council meeting.

Joker called in the emergency as they approached the Citadel, and by the time they docked an EMS crew was waiting to take Kaidan to the Huerta Memorial Hospital for emergency treatment. He, Shepard and Liara had followed the paramedics into the main dock and then had watched while they took him away, the tone in the senior paramedic's voice as he called out Kaidan's vitals telling them how serious his condition was. James had hung back, expecting Rennah to go with Kaidan to the hospital, but she hadn't and when he'd stopped walking, so had she.

"Commander, aren't you going with them?" He asked in surprise and gestured towards the rapidly vanishing EMS crew and stretcher.

Rennah shook her head, watching intently as Kaidan and the paramedics disappeared from view, "No, I have to talk to the council before I do anything else."

Shepard rubbed the back of her neck as though the muscles were tight and she sighed, slowly walking over to the railing that overlooked the docking bay. She looked dead on her feet, James realised as he watched her take a moment to look out over the view. It wasn't surprising that she was finally starting to show signs of exhaustion; she hadn't slept since the Reaper attack on Earth, and with all that had happened, James didn't think she'd even taken the time to eat. He was about to wander over and check on her when an Alliance officer came around the corner and made a beeline for Shepard.

" _Por dios_ , the woman never gets a break." James muttered to Liara as he watched the officer walk straight up to Shepard and clear his throat.

"No she doesn't, but she's been like this as long as I've known her." Liara didn't smile as she spoke to James in her soft voice and she watched him carefully as she spoke, "What about you, Lieutenant? With all of the excitement I never got more than your name. How is it that you've come to be on the Normandy?"

James shifted his weight as Liara watched him closely, trying to find the right words to explain how it was that he was on the Normandy. The honest truth was that in the rush to get to Normandy, neither he nor Alenko had stopped to consider anything other than Shepard and saving her life. The Major, although an impressive soldier, was just one man and bringing James along with him had probably been a tactical decision; by himself his chances of reaching the Normandy safely were greatly reduced, but with another gun at his side he had probably known he'd be able to make it safely.

"I was with Major Alenko when he was ordered to the Normandy to retrieve Shepard." He glanced over Liara's shoulder where Shepard was talking quietly with the officer, a smile on her face as she grinned at something he said. "I was her guard while she was in custody." James admitted, almost cringing as Liara's eyes widened and she grinned in surprise.

"Her _guard_? Shepard needed a _guard_?" The asari actually chuckled a little at this news, "I can't imagine Shepard liked that very much."

"She dealt with it okay." He shrugged and let his attention drift back to the Commander again, the relaxed expression on her face telling James that the officer was someone she knew and was comfortable with. "Hey, why does everyone keep laughing when I say I was her guard?"

Liara grinned a little wider, starting to relax around him as she put a hand on her hip and waved the other one expressively through the air, "Because it's _Shepard_! Believe me, if she didn't want to stay in custody, there's no way on Earth anyone could have stopped her from escaping."

James grinned at her words, "Yeah, I kind of suspected that, but I was more there to help protect her then to stop her leaving."

"Oh, so you were her _bodyguard_." Liara's tone implied there was something even more hilarious about that and the asari gave Vega a quick assessing glance from head to toe. "I suppose that explains why you watch her so often…"

"Vega! Liara!"

James had never been more glad of an interruption in his life as Shepard called to them, waving them to join her as the other officer saluted and left. She looked a little brighter than she had a few minutes ago, he decided, almost as though speaking to the officer had helped to energise her. He crossed the floor quickly to her side, avoiding looking at Liara in case the asari was still looking at him in that amused knowing way. He wasn't sure how, but somehow Liara seemed to know that he had more than a professional interest in Shepard.

"The Council are expecting us up in Udina's office." Rennah gestured towards the lifts and grinned as Liara groaned at the news.

"Udina." Liara said the name distastefully and looked skyward in annoyance, "I do not understand why you chose that man to be Earth's representative on the council."

"Well, like him or not, he's our best chance of rallying support from the other councillors." Rennah turned her gaze on James and crossed her arms over her chest, "Are you coming up with us, Lieutenant?"

"Nah, I think I'll give this one a miss, Commander. Council meetings aren't really my thing." He stepped back and glanced around the docking bay, "I'm gonna go check out the Citadel and act like the tourist I am."

It may have been wishful thinking but he thought Shepard looked the tiniest bit disappointment that he wasn't coming with them, and James felt a surge of pride that she wanted him by her side. Unfortunately, he couldn't think of anything worse than being stuck in a room with a bunch of stuffed shirts while Shepard begged them for help; he knew from her complaints on Earth that Shepard wasn't a fan of them either. Besides, this was the first time on the Citadel that he had clearance to go somewhere other than the lower levels and his natural curiosity about the exclusive upper levels had to be satisfied.

"Have fun, oh, and stay out of trouble, Lieutenant." Rennah opened her omni-tool and sent James a security clearance for the upper levels, looking slightly envious at his freedom while she would be stuck in meeting with the council.

"Who? Me?" He feigned innocence and grinned at her, the warm glow inside of him increasing as she smiled back at him and shook her head as though she didn't doubt for a second that he'd find trouble somehow. He opened his own omni-tool and received her codes, then closed his again and glanced up at her. "If you need to find me later I'll probably be down at Purgatory."

Rennah closed her omni-tool and raised an eyebrow at him, "Now, why doesn't that surprise me?"

"Hey, I'll be good." James held his hands up innocently and managed to tear his eyes off Shepard to glance over at Liara, who was watching his interactions with Shepard with interest; missing nothing that went on between them. He turned his attention back to Rennah and cleared his throat as he quickly added, "If you come down I'll even buy you a beer for taking that bullet for me." He tapped the side of his head where she'd been hit.

Rennah's violet eyes met his chocolate eyes and for a moment he felt something pass between them. He couldn't have said what it was; only that it felt good. Then the moment passed and she nodded to him, "Sure, that'd be nice."

He looked up to find Liara still watching him, and her piercing azure gaze met his for a moment before she looked away with another knowing smile, her attention turning to Shepard. Rennah left James with a parting laugh and a promise to catch up with him later and made her way back to Liara, both of them walking quickly as they left to meet with the councillors. He couldn't tell what Liara thought of him, or even whether she liked him or not. But she and Shepard had clearly known each other a long time and were very close, so he supposed she was probably used to seeing men fall all over themselves around Shepard.

He just hoped that Liara was seeing something good in him.

* * *

Purgatory was a welcome distraction after the frustrating tour of the upper levels that James had taken himself on. The embassy levels had been disgustingly opulent and the people up there completely deluded about what was happening elsewhere in the galaxy. Oh, they knew about the Reaper attacks, but they were so far removed from it that they acted as though they were untouchable; as though somehow they were safe from the Reapers on the Citadel.

It had been infuriating and James had left as quickly as he could, unable to stand being around those sorts of people any longer than he had to. He understood now why Anderson had ordered them to come here and get help; without someone directly appealing to the council, they wouldn't have sent shit to help them defend Earth. They just didn't care. The people up there were in their own little world and were interested in helping only themselves.

At least the people in Purgatory were living their lives in the real world; soldiers, merchants and people trying to make a living any way they could. He could respect that. The people down here knew they were in trouble and you could smell the desperation in the air. They weren't drinking to have a good time, they were drinking to forget about the things they'd seen and the things they knew were coming.

"Hey there solider, want to join us?" A female marine with long brown hair and sultry eyes leaned against the bar next to him and flashed him a smile, her eyes moving over his body in a way that reminded James that he _was_ a good looking guy that most women found attractive.

She inclined her head towards a booth in the corner of the room were another two female marines sat laughing with drinks in their hands, watching their friend chat to James and giving him decidedly come hither looks. It was tempting, he thought to himself as he watched them, but now wasn't the time or place for indulging in that sort of dalliance, especially when there was only one woman on his mind. James sat up straight and opened his mouth to answer when a hand slid over his shoulder and he felt a warm body brush gently against his, a faint tingle of biotics on his skin as the female marine abruptly stepped back.

"Sorry, but he's taken." Rennah Shepard pointedly kept her hand on James' shoulder until the woman had backed off, and then she slid into the empty seat next to him and gestured for the bartender to get her a drink. "Wow, Vega. I can't leave you alone for a second can I?"

"I can't help it if the ladies dig me." James swung around and faced Shepard, trying to ignore the flutter of excitement he'd felt as soon as he realised it was her.

Even though she looked exhausted, she was still ridiculously beautiful as she sat there and thanked the bartender for the beer, taking a long drink before she sighed and turned to face him, "What?" She asked when he kept staring at her with the stupid grin on his face.

"Nothing, it's just my wildest dream come true! You fighting off other women for me!"

"Ha! That'll be the day." Shepard rolled her eyes at him and took another drink, although James was sure that she was blushing. "I just didn't come all the way down here to watch you fall victim to space strumpets."

"Space strumpets?" He laughed and glanced back at the women who were laughing drunkenly amongst themselves, the women with brown hair giving Shepard a nasty glare. "Nah, I'm with you Shepard." James expected her to laugh or smile, but instead Rennah went still at his words and the smile slid from her face; her eyes troubled. "What? What did I say, Commander?" James touched her arm gently.

"Kaidan said the exact same thing to me earlier, and...I bit his head off." She put the heel of her hand to her head and closed her eyes for a second. "I just keeping thinking about everything I said to him today, that if he'd died and they'd been the last words I ever spoke to him…" She drifted off and looked morosely down into her drink and swirled it around in the glass slowly.

He could almost see her thoughts moving across her face as she imagined Kaidan being dead and the words she'd spoken in hurt and anger being the last thing she ever said to him. There was a look of such regret on her face that he almost cursed himself for asking what he'd said to upset her in the first place, especially since he'd known it would have something to do with Kaidan. But it was clear that Rennah needed to get this off her chest, and that there weren't many people she could talk to about it. He could see in the way she held herself that she was keeping too much bottled up, and people who kept things bottled up had a habit of exploding emotionally when they least wanted to.

"Commander, feel free to tell me if I'm out of line, but what happened between you and Alenko?" James hoped he sounded casual as he asked her, taking a mouthful of beer to hide his nervousness; fully expecting her to tell him to mind his own business.

But she didn't, and Rennah didn't seem to notice his nervousness as she shrugged, "We used to be together and now we're not. Simple as that."

James didn't think it was quite as simple as that, not with the way Alenko had been acting as though she were an untrustworthy Cerberus spy. He couldn't decide if Kaidan's problem was with Shepard, with Cerberus or if something had happened while Shepard was working with Cerberus to sour him on her. James wasn't brave enough to ask that yet, and he didn't think Shepard would answer if he did ask. More importantly though, at least in his mind, was how she _felt_ about Alenko. She'd been frantic with worry when he'd been injured, but the bitterness she had displayed towards him before that had hinted that he'd hurt her badly.

"Do you still love him?" James asked the question quietly, and was surprised when Shepard looked away and cleared her throat awkwardly. "Things between you two seem more than a little bit strained." He added.

"I…I'm not sure." The answer came hesitantly and her mouth tightened, "I thought I hated him, but when I saw him injured today, I don't know anymore. I don't love him like I used to, but I don't hate him either."

"So," He shifted on his chair, "if there was a chance for the two of you to get back together would you?"

_Please say no._

"God, I don't know. If you'd asked me yesterday I would have said never, but now…" Rennah put her drink down and sighed, tugging on her hair and finally shrugging. "I don't think I would, but it's hard to know for sure."

It wasn't a no, but it wasn't a yes; he'd take that.

"Well, can I be presumptuous and give you come advice?" James learned on the bar and put his drink down near hers, the side of his hand brushing against hers in a move that was so casual it could have been by accident.

She glanced at his hand, but didn't move hers away and there was something deep in her eyes when she looked back up at him and forced a smile on her face, "Sure James, _dazzle_ me with your wisdom."

"Hey, don't knock it until you hear it." He gave her a mock-serious glare, "Someone once told me that if you keep looking backwards you're going to miss what's right in front of you."

Rennah stared at him for a moment, her violet eyes looking into his so intently it was like she was looking into his soul. He could see her thinking the words over as she held his gaze, never wavering or flinching as the music pulsed around them and other patrons, mostly Alliance soldiers and asari dancing girls, moved around them in a haze of sound and light. Slowly, she leaned forward until her face was only inches away from his, and then her eyes dropped to his mouth and back up again, the hint of a smile on her own lips as she watched him.

" _You're_ right in front of me James."

James stared back at her in shock for a second, unable to make himself speak or move as her eyes held his, then she smiled and laughed again as she pulled back from him and drained the rest of her glass. _She was making a joke,_ he realised with a start and made himself smile too as the moment passed. For a second there he'd thought she was being serious and he'd almost fallen out of his seat. He wanted her to see him that way; as a man instead of just her guard or another solider.

_He'd give anything for her to see him that way._

"I'm serious Shepard." He put a hand on her forearm and gently curled his hand around it, waiting until she met his eyes and could see that he meant every word. "The way he spoke to you wasn't right. Someone like you deserves better than what Alenko dished out."

Rennah's widened at his words and she looked away quickly, glancing down at where his hand had held her arm as he let her go. To his surprise, as soon as he let her go she reached out and took his hand, her grasp firm as she laced her fingers with his and looked down. For several moments she looked at their hands and didn't say a thing or meet his eyes, and James could feel her silent internal battle as she dealt with demons he would never really understand.

"Thanks James." Her voice was so soft when she finally spoke, and he could barely hear it over the noise of the bar, "But I'm not anything special at all." She still didn't raise her eyes to look at him, but her grip on his hand tightened.

James narrowed his eyes and looked closely at Shepard, wondering what the hell had happened to her in the past to make her say something like that. The woman was probably the best soldier in the galaxy! She was intensely clever, blisteringly attractive and had a legion of dedicated fans. There was no way on Earth that she didn't know that she was amazing; unless someone at some point had convinced her otherwise. It hurt James to even think about someone being so cruel to Rennah, but there were a lot of assholes in the world that did things like that.

"Bullshit, you're smoking hot and you know it." He put all of his passion in his voice as he spoke and shook his head in amazement at her ability to be so self-depreciating. This time he was rewarded when she glanced up at him with the ghost of a smile on her lips that slowly brightened as she realised that he meant what he said.

Rennah shook her head slowly and then began to chuckle, "You're such a flirt, Vega."

"You love it, Shepard." He winked at her and finished off his own beer, squeezing her hand back and trying hard to memorise the feeling of her long fingers entwined with his.

"You know how to cheer a girl up, I'll give you that." She tossed her hair and smiled as the look her eyes lightened, "You also make a good point about leaving the past in the past."

"I'm a wise guy." James nodded sagely, enjoying being the person to make Shepard smile. "Trust me when I say you should leave Alenko in your past where he belongs and move on. A woman like you is wasted on a guy like him."

Rennah gave him an appraising look, her eyes slightly narrowed and she let go of his hand and brushed her long dark hair behind her ears, her purple gaze focused intently on him. "And you have _no_ ulterior motives by dishing out this advice?"

James grinned a little wider and got the bartenders attention to signal for another drink, aware that Shepard was still watching him as he shrugged casually, "I'm not going to lie to you Shepard."

She waited for him to continue and when he didn't she leaned closer to him and tapped his arm impatiently. "That's not an answer James."

"No, it's not." He glanced at her sideways as he waited for the drink, feeling the twisting excited feeling in his stomach increase as she blinked in surprise and then looked down at her new drink, a small smile playing around the edges of her lips.

Being so obvious with his flirting was probably a really bad idea when Rennah was such a volatile woman, but he'd had a crush on her for half his adult life and as the world was going to hell around him he way as well give it a shot. Besides which, she seemed to genuinely like him and she wasn't shooting him down as he'd expected.

In fact, she looked downright _pleased_ with his flirting.

* * *

**A/N – See? I told you Vega would start to make his move soon, but there's a bit of a stretch between gentle flirting and an actual relationship…especially when Shepard was burned so badly by Kaidan.**


	10. Watching You

_Disclaimer: I don't own Mass Effect_

**A/N – Another massive thank you to the people who reviewed my last chapter: Brandischoch, tianacarin, Sita, TLCinbflo, Samolfran, SimoneTRH, McCartneySwines, xxDarknessEternalxx, Candle in the Night, Jules Hawk, Shaun and BahaBatarianBoy!**

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"He wants us to _what_?" James almost spat his coffee out as he stared at Shepard with an open mouth, unable to comprehend that after refusing to help them, the turian councillor would have the audacity to ask them for a favour.

"It's not that surprising, really." Rennah was clearly trying not to laugh as she watched him cough and splutter, "It's a case of we scratch their back and they might, maybe, if we're lucky, think about scratching ours."

He, Shepard and Liara were all sitting around the mess table on the Normandy and discussing the day's events; Shepard looking especially amused at his outburst as she sipped on a cup of mint tea. Six months on Earth as her guard and he knew that much about her – mint tea was her favourite non-alcoholic drink. Liara had looked amused when he'd made himself a coffee and a tea for Shepard without being asked, and had looked even more amused when he hadn't made anything for her. But hell, he didn't know all that much about asari and he wasn't sure if they could drink coffee or tea without getting sick! In the end Liara had said nothing, and had demurely made herself some kind of spiced asari drink.

"But that's…" He floundered as words eluded him, far too angry at the entitled way the council was behaving to articulate his rage properly.

"That's normal, James." Liara smiled calmly at him as she sipped her drink, her eyes still looking far too entertained at his indignation for him to really settle down.

Shepard nodded too and her sparkling violet eyes sought his, "It's also better than nothing. At least the turians are willing to discuss the possibility of helping us; that's more than the asari or the salarians were willing to do."

Liara's look sobered and she looked guilty as she reached out a slender fingered blue hand to touch Rennah's briefly, "I'm sorry Shepard, I know you hoped for more from my people."

"It's not your people that are the problem, Liara. It's the council." Rennah swirled her tea around in her cup before inhaling the steam and taking another sip, her gaze flicking up to Liara's reassuringly. "Anyway, you can't blame them for wanting to protect their own interests, it's just that if we don't band together against the Reapers we're not going to have a chance against them."

James had known something was up when Shepard had abruptly recalled her crew and had ordered Joker to the Turian home world, but he hadn't guessed it was because the ambassador had actually had the audacity to ask a favour of them after refusing to help Earth. He was grateful that they'd managed to have at least a little free time on the Citadel since it was doubtful they'd be getting much more, and he had no regrets about anything he'd said or done in the bar with Shepard on that first night. Not that anything had happened, not like he wanted, but there was definitely an awareness between them that hadn't been there earlier and he was certain now that Rennah was starting to see him as James Vega the man, instead of Lieutenant Vega the guard.

"Is there any word on Kaidan?" Liara leaned forward as she asked, her eyes concerned as Shepard shrugged and glanced down into her tea again.

"I went to see him in the hospital but he was still unconscious. The doctors are happy with his progress though and think he's through the worst of it." She put her cup down and cleared her throat, looking uncomfortable as she looked up at Liara, "They don't think he'll have any permanent damage, but they won't know for sure until he wakes up."

"He'll be fine, Shepard. He's a fighter."

"I know, but I still feel like this is my fault." Rennah shrugged and took a longer drink of her tea, her eyes betraying how guilty and worried she really was.

While James was glad to hear that Major Alenko was out of immediate danger, he couldn't help but feel just the tiniest bit jealous of the way Shepard went all quiet and introspective whenever she spoke about him. Even though he'd hurt her and had accused her of being a Cerberus puppet, she still cared about him in a way that James found completely baffling. Rennah was such a hot-blooded and tempestuous personality that the thought of her still feeling emotionally attached to someone who could talk to her the way Alenko did was beyond ridiculous.

"It wasn't your fault, Commander." James decided to chime in; the last thing he wanted was for Rennah to spend the next few days worrying that she was to blame for Kaidan's injuries. "Alenko happened to be closest to her when she came out of the shuttle and was the first to draw his gun. It could have been any of us though; he just got unlucky."

"Yes, but I was in charge, Lieutenant. That makes everything that happens my responsibility." Shepard finished her tea and stood up, collecting Liara and James' empty cups and taking them to the mess as she continued speaking, "Anyway, I need to contact Admiral Hackett and report in. We should be reaching Palaven within the hour."

James pushed away from the table and stood up, "Well, in that case I'm going to head down to the shuttle bay and get our weapons and gear ready, and there are a few modifications I want to do on my new armour before I wear it into a firefight."

The armour he'd bought on the Citadel had taken most of his savings, but he'd had no choice given that he'd left his Alliance armour back on Earth and the suit he'd borrowed for the Mars mission wasn't quite a perfect fit. Besides, if things went bad with the Reapers then none of them were going to have much use for money in the near future. It was a great suit though; top of the line and it had come with several modifications which had made his marine heart drool when he thought of trying them out. He'd shown it to Shepard when he'd brought it back to the ship and she'd seemed impressed, although she'd commented that she preferred her good old N7 armour to anything currently available for sale.

"I'm going to check in with Glyph and see if there is any extra information on the Turian Primarch which may be of use to us during the war summit." Liara shrugged and stood up too, activating her omni-tool and glancing up at Shepard, "You never know what information might come in handy."

James lifted a hand in farewell and walked over to the elevator with Shepard, very aware of Liara's eyes burning into his back as she watched them every step of the way. So far she hadn't said anything to him about his painfully obvious crush on Shepard, but he could tell that it was only a matter of time before she did. He also had a sneaking suspicion that Liara had been using her power as the Shadow Broker to check out his history and find out what she could about him, as she'd made several casual comments about things from his past that he hadn't told anyone about; like that bar fight on Omega.

"After you, Commander." James gestured for Shepard to walk into the elevator first, trying not to focus too much on how lovingly the BDU fit her curves. He followed her in and pressed the button for the CIC for her, aware that her destination was far more important than his.

She leaned against the side of the elevator and watched him with a small smile on her lips, "So, how'd you pull up after our night at the bar?"

"Not too bad. You?" He'd actually drank far too much that night and had been sick as a dog the next morning, but he'd be damned if he was going to let his macho image slide and admit that to Shepard.

She'd had no problem holding her alcohol, in fact he had a sneaking suspicion that even though she'd matched him drink for drink, she'd still been in perfect control of her faculties about the time he was ready to pass out. It had been a good night though; they'd talked more than they had in the entire six months they'd been together and he'd seen a side to Rennah which he'd never seen before. They'd swapped stories and jokes, had compared war wounds and he'd flirted outrageously with her the entire night, pleased that he could make her blush and laugh with a word or look.

He'd woken up the following morning with a horrible hangover and no regrets.

"Oh, I was fine." She grinned and rubbed the back of her neck sheepishly, "Jack used to say that our amped up biotics help us avoid hangovers. Not sure if it's true, but since Cerberus rebuilt me I definitely don't feel as bad after a big night out."

"Jack again." James said it before he could stop himself, and he almost slapped himself in the forehead as Shepard's eyes gleamed and her grin widened.

"You're not jealous are you, Vega?" She raised an eyebrow and leaned forward, clearly fighting a desire not to laugh.

James toyed with the idea of telling her that he was a little jealous, just to see if that would shock a reaction from her, but the elevator reached her level and the doors opened before he could. He had time to grin as Rennah winked at him mischievously as she left, Traynor instantly claiming her attention as she bombarded with her with important messages that had come in overnight. As the doors closed James pressed the button for the shuttle bay, and then folded his arms across his chest and leaned back against the cold steel elevator wall, his brown eyes thoughtful.

Attempting to woo Rennah Shepard was an awful lot like playing poker; you had to know when to bluff and when to fold, and you had to have a really good poker face. He had a sneaking feeling that this early on in the game there was probably more at stake than he realised; one false move and Rennah would cut him off and he'd be done for. So, as much as he wanted to come right out and make his feelings known, it was safer to just take things slow and work on building their relationship outside of the parameters of guard-prisoner and Commander-Lieutenant.

He just had to be patient and hope he was having an impact on her.

* * *

"Fuck!" Shepard landed badly as she was flung from the barricade and hit the ground hard, her knee popping painfully before her suit could administer localised medigel to heal the wound.

_Oh shit._

For a moment she lay stunned on the ground and stared up at Palaven as it burned in the sky above her. The sparkling midnight blue of the night sky framed the reds, orange and yellows of the burning cities on Palaven's surface as the Reapers laid waste to the cities. It was a heartbreakingly haunting sight as it hung in the sky, and a constant reminder for the turians on Menae of what it was they were fighting for.

" _Shepard!"_

The sound of someone screaming her name and an earthshattering roar knocked her out of her daze and she rolled quickly to her feet, seeing red and whimpering in agony as her knee almost gave out under her. Desperately, she gritted her teeth through the excruciating pain and ran as the monstrously huge creature that had knocked her from the turret charged at her, narrowly missing her as it rushed through the place she had fallen.

Rennah didn't have time to think or hesitate, she just ran for the large boulder in the middle of the crater and took cover, her hands fumbling at her hip for her pistol as she willed the medigel to kick in soon. She fired on some husks that were running towards her, putting them down easily as she felt the vibrations in the ground as the huge hulking thing thundered towards her. God, how could she stop something that big when she was injured with just a pistol and her biotics as weapons?

The whole mission had gone to shit as soon as the Normandy had entered the system and they'd realised how dire things were for the turians; Palaven had been burning and even from a distance you could tell that the Reapers were there in force, possibly in even greater numbers than they had been on Earth. Then they'd landed on the moon only to find out that the Primarch had been killed and they were trying to locate his successor, a process complicated by a communications array that had gone down. She'd gone out with James and Liara to repair it, only to have EDI go haywire on the Normandy; and as the icing on the cake she'd had to send Liara back to deal with it and had been a person down.

The only silver lining was that Garrus had been on Palaven's moon acting as a Reaper specialist, and he seemed keen to join up with her again; something she wasn't about to turn her nose up at. She'd known he would be alive; Garrus Vakarian was even harder to kill than she was, and that was saying something. He was also one of her oldest friends and, unlike Kaidan and Liara, he'd never turned her away or refused to help her. When she'd turned up with Cerberus after being killed, he hadn't even battered an eyelid. He _was_ tough and ruthless, but Garrus put a lot of stock in friendship and she knew he'd support her no matter what she did in the fight against the Reapers.

Shepard was snapped back to reality by the sound of heavy fire coming from an assault rifle and the screaming of the huge hulking beast as someone fired on it. Was it James? She'd heard him yell her name when she'd been flung from the barricade but hadn't had time to look back and see what had happened to him. She tested her knee and though it still hurt, she managed to get to her feet again as the medigel started to work, keeping her back against the boulder as she looked around the rock in time to see the beast rushing in her direction.

She quickly used warp on the hideous thing and heard it roar in anger as more assault rifle fire hit it and then a concussive shot to the head put it down for good. Once it collapsed to the ground she could see that both James and Garrus had come down over the barricade after her; James was standing quite close to the creature with his assault rifle still up and Garrus was little further back with his sniper rifle by his side, both of them breathing hard. Shepard gave in to the temptation to lean against the rock to take some of the weight off her knee; she knew that where there was one of these things there was likely to be more, but both Garrus and James were jogging towards her and she trusted them to keep an eye out for the enemy while she recovered.

"What the hell was that thing?" Shepard pointed at the huge carcass and tried to ignore the worried expressions on both of their faces as they came closer, James looking at her knee with concern. She wasn't surprised he was worried, normally medigel would have started working by now; she just hoped she hadn't done anything to the cybernetic joint to cause her discomfort.

Garrus put his sniper rifle away and drew his assault rifle as he scanned their surroundings for more hostiles, "We call them brutes. You didn't have those on Earth?"

"Not that I saw." She tested her knee again and this time was able to stand without any pain at all, and she breathed a sigh of relief. "Thanks for coming after me." She nodded at both of them, trying not to let her eyes linger too long on James who looked amazing in his new armour.

_Down girl! Focus on the mission and not the eye candy!_

"Don't mention it." Garrus pointed at one of the rocky paths leading away from the barricade, "They still can't get hold of the new Primarch, so I'll take you to him on foot. Assuming he's still there."

"Let's go." Shepard checked her thermal clip and then carefully followed Garrus as he led the way forward, James running at her side with his weapon up and ready for action.

She couldn't help but compare James to Kaidan as they jogged along, her eyes still watching for hostiles as her mind wandered. Physically James was far bigger than Kaidan, and from what she'd seen on Mars he was far more assertive in battle; charging in and trusting in his combat ability rather than taking cover and safely waiting for opportunities as Kaidan did. Shepard had seen a lot of marines perform outstandingly in battle, but James really was something else. His athleticism, speed and strength gave him and edge which other marines just didn't have.

Personality wise, James was very sociable and outgoing, while Kaidan was a little quieter and more introspective, although both of the men could be very intense when they felt passionately about something. James was also an outrageous flirt, so much so that Rennah couldn't tell if he was joking with her half the time, or if he was being serious and he actually did find her attractive. Kaidan had never been as hard to read, mostly because he'd come right and just said he was attracted to her and they'd gone on from there.

There were other big differences too, for instance Kaidan would have asked her about her knee and made a big deal about it, but Vega seemed to trust her judgement and had said nothing. Oddly enough, although she'd only known James for a few months, he'd proved himself to be unswervingly loyal and dependable while Kaidan had most certainly _not_. Even now, almost a year since Cerberus had brought her back, he was still hung up on who she was and where her loyalties lay; she just hoped when he finally woke up in Huerta he might have had some sense knocked into him.

More and more she was appreciating why it was that Anderson had chosen James to keep an eye on her while she'd been under house arrest on Earth. There weren't all that many people that Shepard actually trusted not only to watch her back, but to actually have the ability to keep her safe, but James was one of those people. Anderson had told her that James was on the list of potential N7 candidates, and if their world wasn't destroyed by the Reapers, he'd make one hell of an N7 recruit and a brilliant officer one day.

As they rounded a corner James jogged a little bit ahead of her and Shepard finally had a chance to admire how ridiculously good he looked in his armour. She'd always had a thing for marines in heavy battle armour, and Vega looked unbelievably attractive in his; broad shouldered, narrow waisted and incredibly masculine. Dammit. He had no right to be so distractingly good looking when they were in the middle of a war!

"Up ahead, Commander." Garrus' voice reached back to her and Shepard quickened her pace to catch up with him. "General Victus should be up there, but we've got trouble."

Ahead of them were the sounds of battle; bursts of gunfire, loud explosions as grenades detonated and the yells of turians as they repelled waves of Reapers. Shepard began to power up as they saw the edge of the fight ahead of them, swarms of husks and marauders attempting to break the ranks of turians soldiers who were fighting them with everything they had. Rennah didn't hesitate as she hurled a powerful biotic blast at the reaper creatures, the force of it scattering them like bowling pins as she began rapidly firing at husks.

As she threw herself into the battle, Shepard forgot everything except the fight and her world narrowed down to the next target to be destroyed, the next clip to be loaded into her gun and the next biotic power to use on the hostiles around her. It was a dance she knew the rhythm to, and she moved amongst the turians with speed and grace, occasionally catching a glimpse of James or Garrus as they followed her into the fray.

She couldn't have said how long she fought for, if it was hours or minutes, but slowly the waves of enemies began to lessen and eventually they retreated and Shepard came back to herself, breathing hard with her biotics still flared brightly around her. She holstered her gun and glanced around; the turians were moving amongst the battlefield finishing off injured husks and helping injured comrades. Sadly, Shepard realised there were almost as many dead turians lying on the ground as there were reaper creatures.

"I see you're as handy with those biotics as ever." Garrus strode towards her quickly, holstering his assault rifle and looking out over the field with her. He nudged her with his arm and gestured at James who was helping another turian lift a wounded brother and carry him back to the nearest tent. "Your friend isn't bad in a fight either, not as good as me, mind you, but not bad."

"Lieutenant Vega is handy to have around, that's for sure." Rennah glanced at Garrus from the corner of her eye and chuckled, "Good to see that you're as modest as ever."

Garrus laughed his deep rumbling turian laugh and nodded towards the main tent, "C'mon, if General Victus is still here, he's going to be down there with his men."

They walked down towards the tent in a companionable silence and Shepard watched as James went back and helped another injured turian with a broken leg. He nodded and his warm brown eyes caught hers briefly as he went by and Rennah smiled as she felt that strange tingle along her skin that his presence always gave her. It was good to see James so willing to help the turians; a lot of human marines still harboured ill feelings towards them because of the first contact war, so it raised James even further in her estimation that he didn't have those same prejudices.

"Ah, there he is." Garrus touched her arm and Shepard jerked her attention away from James, a flush of embarrassment creeping along her skin when she realised he'd distracted her far more than she'd realised. "General Victus, this is Commander Shepard."

"Commander, I know you by reputation of course." General Victus held out a battle scarred hand which Shepard shook, his grip firm and hard in hers.

"It's good to finally meet you, General." Shepard released his hand and cast her eyes upwards to Palaven, "I'm sorry to see what the Reapers have done to your world."

"As am I, but I'm sure you didn't come all the way here to tell me that." He waved her pleasantries aside, his voice gruff and impatient. "So what has brought a Council Spectre all the way here to see me?"

"Not good news, I'm afraid sir." Garrus spoke up before she could, and Rennah relaxed as he began to chat informally with the General, breaking the news of Fedorian's death and Victus' new role as Primarch.

As Rennah had expected, Victus wasn't especially impressed or enthusiastic with his new role in the Turian government, and like all soldiers he wanted to serve his people on the battlefield, fighting the good fight against the Reapers, not as a politician far removed from the battle. However, much as she sympathised with him, the war summit was of the utmost importance and his hesitation was not only putting the fate of Palaven in jeopardy but also the galaxy. The longer he argued with Garrus the more frustrated she became, until eventually she couldn't take it anymore.

"General, we need you up there." Shepard finally lost patience and stepped forward, pointing up at the sky as she tried to keep the tone of impatience out of her voice. "You _must_ represent your people at this war summit. In a time like this we need leaders who are strong and who know what real war is like. I respect that you want to fight alongside your people, but this is bigger than just Menae or Palaven. Every moment you hesitate means more lives will be lost to the Reapers."

For a moment she thought Victus would ignore her outburst but in the end he sighed and looked up at Palaven alight in the sky above them, inwardly fighting with his desire to stay in the fight versus his new responsibility. "You're right, Commander. Give me a moment to say goodbye to my men and I'll come with you."

Shepard breathed a sigh of relief as Victus moved off wearily to say his goodbyes. For a moment there she'd thought he was going to refuse them, but thankfully his love for his people had outweighed his hatred of political manoeuvring. It was a relief; now she just had to deliver him to the summit, and if everything went well, there was a chance for the citadel races to unite against the Reapers and for Earth to get some help.

Somehow though, Rennah knew it wasn't going to be that easy.

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**A/N – Huzzah! It's been a big week for me! I finally got my Mass Effect paragade tattoo finished on my wrist aaaand I got another chapter done despite being sick with the flu!**

**As always, please review and let me know what you think!**


	11. I'll Follow You

_Disclaimer: I don't own Mass Effect_

**A/N – Thank you to those who reviewed the last chapter. I got a little inspired with this chapter and wrote it even faster than I anticipated…and had fun! You'll like this chapter!**

**I do go back to work tomorrow though, so it will probably be a week or so before I get my next chapter out.**

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James sat at the mess-table and listened with amusement as Garrus and Rennah discussed the latest round of ridiculous arguments that had come out of the war summit, both of them mercilessly mocking the Salarian Dalatrass for her most recent outburst. Personally, he was glad that only the Commander was really having to take part in the summit to represent Earth's interests, but it made for fun listening in the evening when Rennah reported back to them, usually giving spirited impersonations of the other alien leaders. He'd never have guessed it, but she had a flair for the dramatic and was able to imitate the voices and mannerisms of the other leaders with uncanny similarity.

"So let me get this straight," Garrus flicked one of his clawed hands at Shepard and leaned back in his seat at the table in the mess-hall, "The humans want help from the turians, but the turians will only help them if they get help from the krogans, who can't help unless the salarians can cure the genophage, which they don't want to do. Have I got it right this time?"

Shepard arched an eyebrow and smirked at her old friend, "Well, you forgot the part about the Dalatrass having a tantrum at the mention of curing the genophage, and then passive-aggressively threatening me when I told her that we were going to cure it with or without her help, but yeah, that about sums it up."

Garrus laughed softy in his two-toned voice, "Not that I'm questioning you, Shepard, but exactly how are we going to cure the Genophage without, you know, _a cure_." The turian leaned forward again in his seat and spread his hands wide, "Because I sure as heck don't have one lying around."

James had been wondering about this himself and he sat up with interest to hear Shepard's answer, because the way she grinned at Garrus' sarcasm suggested that she did have an answer. She chuckled, and it was that same velvety laugh that he'd heard a million times before when she knew something that no one else did; the same laugh that made things in his stomach pull tight. Next to him, he saw Liara glance in his direction as he shifted in his seat. _Could she tell how affected he was by Shepard?_

"Remember Maelon's experiments that we shut down? It turns out that a few female krogans survived, _and_ they're fertile and free of the genophage." Shepard's grin widened and she snapped off a piece of ration chocolate that was sitting on the mess-table in front of them and popped it in her mouth as she continued, "Only somehow the Salarians found them before anyone else did and have kept them on Sur'Kesh. The Dalatrass isn't happy, but she'd agreed to hand the females over to Wrex; they're our first step in finding a cure."

"So, we're on our way to Sur'Kesh." Liara's eyes narrowed as Rennah went to break off another piece of chocolate and hesitated. "Shepard?" She prompted when it was clear that the Commander had something else to add.

"Well, we're stopping off quickly at the Citadel to refuel and restock food and water, but we won't be there long." Shepard cleared her throat and glanced around slightly awkwardly before she opened her omni-tool which was beeping softly, "Also Kaidan's awake and wants to see me." She said the last past quickly and quietly and pointedly kept her head down.

 _Kaidan!_ James inwardly cringed at the mention of Kaidan's name and fought to keep any hint of his feelings off his face, but to his surprise he wasn't the only one displeased to hear that particular name.

"Kaidan!" Garrus' mandibles and jaw opened in an expression that even James could tell was shock, and the turian frowned at Shepard who was avoiding his eyes as she opened a message to read on her tool, "You're not…"

"No, I'm _not_." She told him firmly as she glanced up at her old friend and closed the message she had been reading, "Kaidan helped me escape off Earth and was almost killed on Mars. He's been at Huerta recovering. I just want to make sure he's okay."

"I see." There was a tone in Garrus' voice that implied he could more than see what was going on, but he didn't say anything else and Shepard, who had looked like she was gearing up for an argument subsided.

Her omni-tool beeped again and she looked down at the message that flashed across it in irritation and stood up, "Just drop it Garrus, okay? I have to go and talk to our honoured guests, since both Victus and Wrex want to talk to me in private." She reached down and took another chunk of chocolate before walking away without looking any of them. Her pace suggesting that the conversation at the table she was glad to find an excuse to get away from.

Garrus waited until the elevator doors closed behind her before he turned on Liara with a serious look, "Shepard's actually _talking_ to Kaidan again? After what happened on Horizon I thought she would kill him the next time she saw him."

James, who was feeling uncomfortable about the way Shepard had fled from the conversation, sat up straighter at Garrus' comments and got the turians attention, "What did happen on Horizon? Shepard mentioned that she and Kaidan broke up, but I got the feeling it was more than just _that_."

"I'm not surprised she didn't say more." Vakarian ignored the look Liara gave him and focused on James, "I think part of the problem is that she and Kaidan never technically broke up, so to speak."

"What do you mean?" Vega felt himself frown in confusion. What did Garrus mean when he said they had technically never broken up? Shepard had said herself that she and Kaidan were no longer together, and the way they behaved around each other indicated that they'd not only broken up, but that it had been a _bad_ breakup.

"Well, let me put it to you this way; imagine you're sweet on your commanding officer and after months of flirting with each other you finally get together and everything seems perfect. You're in love with her, she's in love with you and despite the fact that you're breaking regulations you're managing to make things work." The turian paused and James nodded before he went on. "Then one day your ship is attacked by the Collectors and your girlfriend, being the commanding officer, orders you to evacuate even though you want to stay behind and help her."

Suddenly, James knew where the conversation was going and he felt his stomach drop to the floor as a feeling of deep dread filled him. In all the time he'd imagined what could have caused the rift between Kaidan and Shepard, he'd never stopped to think that they'd been together when she'd died. It was too horrible to think about, and even more gut wrenching was the knowledge that in the two years she'd been gone, Kaidan would inevitably have moved on with his life, while Shepard would have woken up stuck in the past.

Garrus continued, "You get to watch the ship destroyed and see your girlfriend die in space while you're helpless in an escape pod and unable to do anything to save her. You're inconsolable with grief, you become depressed and you spend the next two years of your life living with survivor's guilt and burying yourself in your work. Then, out of the blue, she reappears one day; exactly the same as she was two years earlier, except now she is working for Cerberus; something that the woman you knew would never have done."

"So Kaidan and Shepard never broke up because she died?" James swallowed hard and tried not to remember how upset he'd been when he'd heard that Commander Shepard was KIA. He'd just been a stranger who'd had a crush on her, but he could remember feeling as though he'd had his heart pulled out when he'd heard she was dead. He could only imagine how heartbreaking it had been for Kaidan, not only to lose her but to have to watch helplessly as she died. "So what happened?"

"Well, we knew Shepard was lonely and that she was struggling to get her mind around having been dead for two years, but it wasn't until she saw Kaidan that she actually let any of it show. She was so happy to see him, and for a moment, I think he was just as glad to see her, but then he started to question where she'd been for two years. In his eyes, she'd either deliberately faked her death or she wasn't the real Shepard and she was a Cerberus puppet. Either way he was angry, bitter and suspicious of who she was and what she was doing on Horizon."

"He didn't actually say that, did he?" Vega pulled back from Garrus a little bit and glanced at Liara, who was listening with a look of intense sadness on her face.

"Yeah, he did." Garrus paused and looked down at his hands on the table, "She was so happy to see him and he just shot her down; he was _cruel_. The Kaidan that I'd known on the first Normandy would never have treated her the way he did that day, but I guess he'd changed. He was furious with her and he ignored everything she tried to tell him. He even implied that Cerberus was behind the collector attacks and because she was working for them she was the enemy now." The turian looked back up at James and shrugged, "The way he treated her was cold and callous, and I think he broke her heart."

James felt sick as he looked from Liara to Garrus, unsure of what to say or think. He knew it would have been a shock for Kaidan to have Shepard appear in front of him, back from the dead so to speak, but to be so horrible to someone you loved was unthinkable. He'd been overjoyed when Anderson had casually told him that Shepard was alive, confused admittedly, but he hadn't stopped to think about the how and why. He'd just been happy that she was back. So why hadn't Kaidan felt the same way?

"After Horizon, I think something in her died all over again, and she changed. Rennah stopped laughing and joking and became angry and withdrawn. She cut herself off from the people who were her friends and she started spending all of her time in the lower engineering deck with Kasumi and Jack. I'm not sure if I should say this, but when we went through the Omega Relay, I think Shepard was expecting to die. Maybe even hoping she'd die. I don't know." Garrus gave a small sad shake of his head and stood up, "I just know that Kaidan Alenko isn't the man I thought he was and he's not someone who I'd want to see Shepard getting involved with again."

"That's not fair, Garrus." Liara finally spoke up with a small frown on her face, "He was probably hurting just as much as she was…"

"Maybe, but that doesn't excuse what he did to her." Garrus stepped back, suddenly angry at Liara for reasons James didn't fully understand, "You weren't there, Liara. You were off chasing Shadow Brokers instead of supporting your friend."

Liara's eyes dropped back down and James saw her shoulders sag, "I know. It's just that on Mars he was obviously still hurting and so was she…"

Garrus shook his head and made an alien sound of frustration, "That's exactly the reason why she should keep away from him. The way she's acting now is more like how she used to be, and I don't want to see her go back to the way she was before we took down the Collectors. I know you like to see happy endings Liara, but don't encourage her to try and patch things up with Alenko. He's no good for her."

With that, the turian stalked angrily from the room and James was left awkwardly sitting at the table with Liara. He could barely believe what Garrus had said about Kaidan's behaviour, but it explained so much; Shepard's reaction when she saw him on Earth had been one of fear. He realised that now. The guy had been so cruel to her that when she'd seem him again on Earth she'd actually been scared to go and talk to him.

"James, I know you are attracted to Shepard." Liara finally broke the silence James inwardly cringed as he realised they were finally going to have _that_ conversation, "I don't know enough about you to know what your intentions are, but I just wanted to say that you should be very careful with Rennah. No matter what Garrus says she is still very much in love with Kaidan…"

"Liara, it's not your business…"

"Shepard will always be my business." She cut him off before he could say anything else, her tone sharp and unexpected. "I'm not telling you what to do, I'm just asking you to be careful with her. Shepard likes you too, but she's more vulnerable than people realise and this situation with Kaidan has her very confused."

James clenched his hands into fists under the table and took a deep breath, "I'm not going to hurt her, Liara. I spent six months watching her back and taking care of her on Earth, so I'm sure as hell not going to cause her pain now."

Liara nodded and left him to his thoughts, her heels clicking on the floor as she retreated back to her room. For a moment James sat unhappily at the table, and then he slowly got up and began to clean up the mess that everyone had left on the table, mulling over everything that he had learned today. Knowing the truth of what had happened between Kaidan and Shepard had made him feel worse, rather than better, especially since he'd seen the way Kaidan had looked at Shepard when he'd first seen her.

As angry and suspicious as Alenko was, anyone could see that he was still in love with her, and Liara was right when she said Shepard was still vulnerable to Kaidan. Hell, Shepard had admitted as much to him in the bar the other night; she was angry at him but part of her still loved him. God, how could he even begin to compete with a relationship with as much history and emotion as theirs? He'd thought that playing it safe and treading softly with Shepard was the way to her heart, but if Kaidan was still in love with her, then it was only a matter of time before he made _his_ move.

Maybe it was time he stopped playing so safe…

* * *

"Stupid idiots and their stupid requests." Rennah paced in the confines of the elevator, replaying the asinine conversations she'd just had with both Wrex and Victus. Sure, both of their requests were important and she could see why they each didn't want the other to know about it, but the fact that their races had both made such stupid mistakes in the past that had led to these situations was frustrating. And now they wanted _her_ to help them fix it.

Typical.

The elevator doors opened to the shuttle bay and she walked out slowly, suddenly feeling a little bit hesitant since she didn't actually have a reason to be down here, other than the fact that she wanted to be around James. It was strange; she normally loved her solitude, but when she'd gone back to her empty cabin earlier she'd just felt isolated and lonely. She'd wanted to be with someone rather than sitting alone in her room reading rosters and data pads, and while James could be a pain in the ass, he was also funny and she never felt any pressure to be someone she wasn't when she was with him.

The shuttle bay seemed oddly empty as she came out of the elevator, but she could hear someone moving about in the little alcove where James spent most of his time, so she headed in that direction. Sure enough, James was there doing a work out, only unlike the other times she'd run into him down here, this time he was working out shirtless. _Shirtless_. Rennah felt her mouth go dry as she watched his back and arm muscles rippling, unable to take her eyes off all that awesomely toned muscle.

_And I thought he looked good in his armour…_

"Hey there." She crossed the floor and leaned against a stack of weights, trying to look casual as he continued working out, seemingly oblivious to her presence, "You have a minute?"

"Always, Commander." James dropped back to the floor easily and grabbed an old towel which used to wipe the sweat off his neck and chest. Shepard tried not to follow the path of the towel with her eyes, but it was impossible to drag her gaze away as she desperately tried to think of something to chat about.

_Jesus, but he was big. Big and impressive._

"I was, uh…" Rennah lost her train of thought as she watched as the towel dipped lower and he ran it over his toned abs and then back up over the wide expanse of his chest and down one scarred arm. Why hadn't she ever noticed how incredibly _hot_ James was? Six months with him in close proximity and the most she'd done was wonder how often he worked out when she could have been looking at…

"Shepard?" Vega prompted her when she stopped talking, his tone decidedly amused at how distracted she was by him.

Shepard went red, she could feel her face burning as she hurriedly looked away and desperately tried to formulate a coherent sentence, "I was going to ask if you wanted to…spar."

_Spar? Oh Rennah, you idiot…_

"Spar…with you, Commander? I didn't think you got down and dirty with us grunts?" James' tone made it sound as though he was referring to something else equally as physical as sparring but a lot more horizontal, but she ignored his innuendo and crossed her arms over her chest.

"What? Are you too frightened to hit a girl, Vega?" Rennah felt the heat in her cheeks finally begin to recede and she looked up again, finally meeting his eyes unabashed, even though she could see he was deliberately trying to make her blush again.

_He was enjoying this!_

"Not at all, Lola. So long as you keep those biotics of yours offline." James smirked at her and gestured for her to precede him out of his little alcove and into the main floor of the shuttle bay.

Rennah felt herself begin to smile again as she walked ahead of him, "Lola?"

"Yeah, about time I gave you a nickname. You look like a Lola." James began to stretch as he watched her unzip her BDU jacket and slide it down her arms, revealing a black N7 tank top underneath. "One of my friends had an older sister called Lola; she was tough and hot…like you."

Shepard rolled her eyes at him as she stretched and did some quick warm ups, aware of his eyes on her body as she moved but not bothered by it, "I'm not going to blush again that easily, Jimmy."

"Can't blame a man for trying."

She brought her arms up defensively and stepped out into a fighting stance, wondering what style of fighting James favoured. She didn't have to wait long; true to his word he wasn't frightened to hit a girl and he came at her in a flurry of quick punches which she blocked easily enough, and then tried to kick out her legs in a move that was so fast she almost missed it. However, she hadn't reached the rank of N7 for nothing, and she let herself flow around him like water, dodging his moves easily. His fighting was a mixture of Alliance training and pure brawling, and he was just as good as she'd thought; landing two glancing blows with his fists over the next few minutes.

Shepard realised he wasn't trying to hit her as hard as he could have, but he wasn't holding back as much as she'd expected. After a few minutes of testing him out, she came at him and he blocked most of her blows successfully, although she managed to hit him one on the cheek and twice in the ribs before she danced back out of range. When he came at her again, she was ready and moved as quickly as she could; taking his arm and using his weight and momentum to sweep his feet out and bring him to the floor, where he lay stunned while she hovered over him, momentarily gloating.

Which was a mistake.

He was on his back one second, and unexpectedly rolled to his feet and tackled her to the floor, landing on her hard enough to knock the air out of her as he pinned her to the floor. _What the hell?!_ It had been a long time since anyone had got the better of her while sparring and she stared up at him in surprise as he looked down her, seemingly surprised himself that he'd managed to bring her down. She sucked in a breath of air and realised that although he'd brought her down hard, he was being very careful not to hurt her as he pinned her, which she appreciated given his size.

Rennah locked eyes with him and abruptly the air seemed to buzz around her, and for a moment she thought she'd unintentionally flared her biotics, before she realised it was actually James' proximity that was making her skin tingle and buzz. _Could he feel this too?_ His face was only inches from hers and as she looked up into his eyes, the electric buzz in the atmosphere intensified and she became acutely aware of his body on hers and his hands on her arms. The tip of her tongue stole out to nervously moisten her lower lip and his gaze jerked down to her mouth, his eyes darkening as he shifted his weight on her.

"James..?" She swallowed as the moment stretched on and he continued to gaze down at her, seemingly just as much a prisoner of this moment as she was.

His hands loosened on her arms and Shepard felt his hands slowly move up to grasp hers and she willing laced her fingers with his, loving how warm his hands felt against hers. Her skin was still tingling with awareness and she felt heat begin to pool in her belly as he shifted his weight on her again as she realised how big and male he was. It had been so long since she'd felt like this. She wanted him to close the distance between them and press his lips against hers; she wanted him to kiss until she was senseless and all she could think about was him.

He began to lower his face to hers, his breath smelling of peppermint and chocolate as she let her eyes drift closed and her lips part as she felt his lips brush softly against hers…

The deafening ringing sound of metal tools hitting the shuttle bay floor reverberated through the room and Shepard and James sprang apart, both of them coming to their feet as they saw an intensely embarrassed Cortez standing across the room, having just come out of the elevator carrying a tray of tools which he'd dropped; apparently because he'd seen them. Rennah swallowed hard and felt every inch of her body go scarlet with embarrassment as Cortez stuttered an apology, his eyes looking anywhere except at them.

_God! What the hell had gotten into her?_

"Esteban?" James sounded strained, shocked and surprised all at once, and Rennah distantly realised that she probably would have found the look on his face hilarious if she hadn't been so hideously embarrassed herself.

Abruptly, Rennah stumbled away from James and moved quickly to the elevator before he could try to stop her, "I…I have to go."

"Rennah!" She heard him say her name but she kept walking, unwilling to look back at him in case she wasn't strong enough to walk away once he had her pinned with those eyes again.

She moved around Cortez and avoided meeting his eyes too as she slid into the open elevator and pushed the button for her cabin, looking up just as the doors closed to catch a glimpse of James looking utterly bewildered as he stood on the floor where they'd just been lying, his face worried as she fled from him. For a moment their eyes locked and she felt that strange magnetic pull towards him, then the doors slid shut completely and she let herself fall against the wall as she buried her face in her hands and groaned in embarrassment.

What had gotten into her?

* * *

**A/N – That was fun! Let me know what you thought!**


	12. Right Beside You

_Disclaimer: I don't own Mass Effect_

**A/N – Spoiler warnings if you haven't watched Mass Effect: Paragon Lost – there will be some bits in this chapter that refer his failed attempts to romance Treeya.**

**Also, a big thank you to the people who have reviewed - Jules Hawke, Samolfran, Sita, Simone TRH, Candle in the Night, Blausen, TLCinbflo, Shad0wDancer, CrazyMadButterfly, Shaun, xbLoOmZx, brandischoch, brooklynrhino, spacecats & the guests! You guys gave me so much love for the last chapter that I'm still glowing…so Imma give you a little more James goodness! **

* * *

James felt like the floor had just fallen out from under him; one minute he'd had Shepard melting in his arms and the next she'd become spooked and had bolted from the room as though he'd grown horns. The moment had been absolute magic until Esteban had bumbled into the room and scared the hell out of both of them! He wasn't ever going to have a chance like that again, hell, he hadn't even planned it! He'd just been intending to let Shepard up once he'd pinned her, and mock her for letting her guard down! But then he'd looked down into her eyes and it was like the air had electrified around him.

It had been amazing. _Incredible_. He'd been completely helpless once he'd looked into her eyes, and he hadn't been able to stop himself from taking her hands and then leaning in to kiss her. She'd wanted him to! He knew she did! He'd seen it in her eyes as clear as day. For the first time ever he'd seen her with all of her walls down, and he'd seen the passionate woman who was inside of her; and she'd wanted him.

 _Him_ _of all people._

He could still feel the way her body her reacted to his; the subtle shift of her hips under his and the light pressure of her fingers against his hands. The memory was strong enough that he knew he couldn't let Shepard run away from him and Vega tried to put all thoughts of Rennah's lips and body out of his mind. Right now he had to forget the way she had smelled spicy and warm, and how inviting her eyes had been as she'd looked up at him. Thanks to Cortez's interruption that moment was gone and Shepard had run away from him as though he'd scared her, so he had to focus!

It was a hell of a shock to have gone from feeling on top of the world to feeling like a complete heel - that was for sure. The gentlemanly thing to do, not that James had ever really thought of himself as a gentleman, was to go after her and make sure she was okay. Not just because he was worried about her, but also because he wanted her to know that this wasn't a game he was playing. He needed Rennah to know that he was seriously interested in her and wasn't just jerking her around or flirting with her. His eyes latched onto her BDU jacket which sat abandoned on the floor and he quickly picked it up, almost running into Cortez as he hurried to the elevator.

"Vega, I am so sorry!" Cortez looked at James as though he wanted to vanish into the ground, his eyes wide and apologetic, "I didn't mean to…"

"Forget about it." James waved his apology aside, trying not to let any of the lingering annoyance show in his voice as he pressed the call button for the elevator.

Esteban bent to pick up his tools, still looking absolutely mortified as James stabbed the button with his finger again and impatiently waited for it to come back down. Vega knew without a doubt that Shepard would have gone back to her room to try and sort out what had happened, which was why the elevator was taking so long to respond. Had she been as blown away as he had been by how quickly things had gotten out of control between them? He'd never experienced anything like it before and was willing to bet that she hadn't either.

The doors finally opened and James held them open for a moment while he looked down at Esteban, "You're not going to mention this to anyone, are you Esteban?"

"Like I would!" Cortez shook his head and stood up with his tray of tools, "I'm not stupid enough to go spreading gossip about the Commander."

"Thanks man."

James stepped into the elevator and pressed the button for the Commander's Cabin, adrenaline and excitement rushing through his body at the thought of seeing her again. He knew that the chance of recapturing that insane moment on the shuttle bay floor was next to none, but he couldn't seem to stop himself from thinking about what might have happened if Cortez hadn't startled them. He hadn't been with a woman since he'd started the job guarding Shepard, and it had been even longer since he'd wanted any kind of serious relationship with someone.

The last person he'd felt something for had been Treeya on Fehl Prime, and he'd spent two years working up the courage to speak to her properly. Unfortunately, by the time he had it had been way too late for anything to happen between them, which was one of the reasons why he wasn't going to ever make the mistake of letting himself get tongue tied with a woman he liked again. At the time he'd thought that his problem was how self-conscious he became when he was around women he liked. Sure, he could flirt, but when it actually came down to talking one on one with someone he was seriously attracted to, he had always managed to stuff it up. Treeya had been a fine example of bad he was at romancing women he liked.

After the incident on Fehl Prime she'd softened considerably towards him and he'd realised that she had started to fall for him, but it had been too late for them by then. He was too riddled with guilt at his decision to save her and the data she carried over the colonists to want to pursue a relationship with her. Treeya had become a constant burning reminder of the thousands of people that had died because of the decision he'd made, and starting a relationship with the asari anthropologist has lost its lustre.

Shepard was different though; he could talk to her easily without fumbling for words or struggling to say something entertaining. Even though his feelings for her had started out as a crush born of hero worship, they had developed considerably while he'd been guarding her on Earth. As antagonistic as she'd been to him and as professional as he'd acted around her, he'd still found her both beautiful and clever and hadn't been able to stop himself thinking about her when he wasn't with her. The day she'd been released from hospital and he'd seen her without her shirt on had been the day he'd realised he was in serious trouble with Shepard.

He still had the image of her in that black lace bra burnt into his mind, and the mural of colourful tattoos on her back still haunted him far too often. He wanted a chance to hold her body against his, to touch her skin, kiss her lips and see that same burning look in her violet eyes that he'd seen earlier. Rennah didn't make him feel tongue tied and nervous, she made him feel strong and capable; when he was with her he felt like he was the best version of himself he could possibly be.

The elevator doors slid open silently and James came out, nodding to himself as he saw the red light on the door to her cabin that signified it was locked. _No surprise._ He crossed the hallway quickly and pressed the alert button at her door, wondering if she would even bother opening the door or if coming up here had been a waste of his time. She would know it was him out here; who else would have come up to see her so quickly?

Despite his concerns, he didn't have to wait long and he perked up as he heard the sound of someone moving at the door moments before the door lock flashed green. The door slid open and Shepard waved him in, her eyes still looking incredibly embarrassed as she glanced behind him as though worried Cortez was going to spring out of the elevator and surprise them again. James walked in past her and looked around her cabin with interest as she closed the door behind him and locked it again.

"Wow." He couldn't help but sound amazed as he glanced around her bedroom.

He knew that this Normandy had been built by Cerberus and not by the Alliance Military, but its size and opulence was still impressive and slightly off-putting. Her cabin consisted of a massive bedroom with a lounge suite and a bed, a raised section that contained an office and a door which led off to a private bathroom. A fish tank with several exotic looking specimens in it spanned most of one wall, several silver ship models hung in her office and she also had… _a_ _hamster_? James had to stifle an amused snort as the little creature squeaked and scurried around its cage, and he glanced back at Shepard in surprise; he wouldn't have pegged Shepard as the kind to keep pets!

"James, I should explain." Shepard had quietly watched him look around her cabin, and once he was done she stepped forward and launched into what sounded suspiciously like a rehearsed speech. "What happened in the shuttle bay shouldn't have happened. I'm not sure how it did and I just wanted you to know that I don't make a habit of rolling around on the floor with my junior officers, and I'm sorry if I put you in an awkward position…"

"Commander, if anyone put anyone in an awkward position, I think it was me when I tackled you to the floor." He tried hard to keep his voice light and he smiled casually as he came towards her, "Although I'm not sure that I can agree that what happened between us shouldn't have happened."

Her eyes went round with surprise at his comment, "But it was madness…"

"Oh, come on Rennah! It's been coming for a while." James raised an eyebrow and grinned a little wider, "You can't deny there was always _something_ between us."

She flushed a little and bit her lip, "Flirting is one thing, James. What happened down there was another."

"I agree completely and I'm saying that there's been something between us for a while now." He moved a little closer to her and reached out to take her hand, pleased when she didn't pull away from him. "I know it's a bad time for me to come out and admit that I'm attracted to you, but I think it's pretty obvious now. I know I'm a flirt, but  need you to know that I don't do this kind of thing lightly. So when I say I like you and want to get to know you better, I mean it."

"James." Shepard murmured his name quietly but didn't seem to know what else to say, so she just stared at his hand holding hers for a moment before she nodded and sighed, "You're right, there has been a certain kind of… _tension_ …between us. But I don't want to muddy the water."

"Forget muddying the waters, Lola! We have Reapers threatening to destroy the entire galaxy, so why not give us a go?" He closed the gap between them and lightly put his hand under her chin and tilted her face up so she was forced to meet his eyes, "I just want to know if you feel the same way? Does your skin tingle when I'm around? Do you think about touching me? Kissing me?"

James lowered his voice as he spoke, never in his life having spoken to a woman in such a daring way, but he felt like being daring. He couldn't have said what brought it on, only that he had Rennah back in his arms again and he could feel her trembling slightly as she looked up at him. Her violet eyes darkened at his words and he saw her draw in a breath as he spoke, her hand tightening in his briefly as she swallowed convulsively and she bit her lip again.

"Of course I do." Rennah's voice was strained and she let go of his hand and stepped out of his embrace, her face flushing again as his hand dropped away from her chin. "I haven't felt like this in a long time, it's just that I don't know if I want to get involved with anyone again."

"Because of Alenko?" He hated even saying the name and reminding her about the major, but it was inevitable since they were stopping at the Citadel just so Shepard could visit him in the hospital.

"I can't deny that the situation with him has made me a little hesitant to get involved with anyone again." She shrugged and wrapped her arms around herself as though she was cold, "But it's more than that. Every time something good happens to me, something goes horribly wrong and I fuck things up, and I don't want to screw things up between _us_."

James felt disappointment cut through the triumph he'd felt when she said she felt the same way as he did. It didn't matter after all that she wanted him too; she was too scared about being hurt again and too worried about messing things up to even take that chance. _No_. He couldn't accept that she was too scared to take a chance on him, not after the passion that he'd felt between them earlier and the way she'd just responded to his touch.

"Rennah, I've never felt this way before and I want to explore what this is between us." He held up her jacket and stepped back into her personal space again, hoping again hope that Shepard wouldn't step away again as she took the jacket from him. She didn't. "This could be something very special for both of us."

"I know." Her voice was soft, softer than he'd ever heard, but her eyes were sharp and knowing as she took the jacket and stayed standing few inches from him, "I know you think I'm being a coward…"

"You're not a coward." He very carefully put a hand out to cup her cheek, watching for any sign that he was pushing too hard or crossing a line, but she watched him evenly and didn't pull away, "You're beautiful, intelligent and brave, and I know that Alenko hurt you. But I'm not him, and I've always believed in you and stood by you."

"I know." She repeated as she let her eyes close and leaned into his touch, "I'm not shy or frightened by what this is between us; I'm just not used to losing my head or feeling this way. I need some time to figure out what I want."

"Then take some time." James felt himself smile as some of the weight lifted from his shoulder; _this_ was much better than a straight out rejection. "I'm not going anywhere, and I'm going to be by your side no matter what you decide."

"Thank you." Rennah looked like she meant it, and he saw some of the tension leave her. "You are special to me, Jimmy, and I don't want to lose you because I screw things up."

"You couldn't lose me if you tried, Shepard."

Vega looked down into her beautiful indigo eyes and raised his other hand to her cheek, cradling her face in his hands as he decided that he'd push the advantage he had. Slowly and without breaking eye contact, he leaned down and pressed his lips against hers, finally getting the kiss that had been stolen earlier. Rennah seemed to melt into his arms and he felt her wind both arms around his neck as she went up on tiptoe and kissed him back; her mouth opening against his as she groaned hungrily and pressed herself against him. He slid his hands down her body to her waist, pulling her tighter against him as she made another soft sound.

It was a kiss that was every bit as mind-bendingly passionate as the one they'd almost shared earlier, but there was also something warm and inviting in the kiss that made him wonder if his feelings for Shepard was more than just lust and physical attraction. Her lips were soft against his and her body firm, and as the kiss went on he felt her tongue slide sweetly against his like velvet and he couldn't stifle his moan of appreciation. He wanted more than just one kiss, so much more, but this kiss was such a perfect start that he knew he could wait for Rennah to make her decision.

Slowly he broke the kiss and pulled away, tightening his hands on her waist to hold her steady as she lowered her heels back to the floor, her eyes dazed as though the passion of the kiss had stunned her. She sucked in a breath and stared up at him in surprise, the look in her amethyst eyes one that James would remember for the rest of his life. As she looked up at him, Rennah started to smile and her cheeks flushed with a different kind of heat then when he'd come in a few minutes ago.

 _The flush of desire_ , James decided, _suited her much more than that flush of embarrassment._

"Just some food for thought." He told her as he dropped a kiss to her forehead and left her cabin, glancing back at her with a stupid grin on his face as the door closed behind him and he almost floated back into the elevator.

* * *

Shepard hesitated for a moment outside Kaidan's hospital room as she heard Udina's voice coming from inside, wondering if she could give them some space in case they were discussing the Spectre position, however Udina walked out a moment later and Shepard gave him a frosty nod as he went past. No chance to back out now, she registered as she made herself step through the doorway and saw Kaidan lying in the bed and looking out the window, his handsome face still marred with bruises.

He'd seen some action since the last time she'd seen him on Horizon; his chest was far more muscled and built up than she remembered, and he had a few more scars on his body. He was starting to go grey at the temples, but his hair was as thick and beautiful as ever and Kaidan himself was as good looking as she remembered. She'd always liked the way Kaidan was so beautifully put together, but so completely unaware of it; he'd always been genuinely oblivious about how attractive women found him.

He turned to face her as she came in and his eyes immediately brightened as he smiled and tried sit up, wincing and then sinking back down with pain, "Ouch, hey Shepard." He smiled at her and held a hand up and gestured at the empty seat next to the bed, "Thanks for coming by to see me."

"No problem, I'm just glad to see you're okay." She leaned back in the chair and smiled at him, unable to feel the usual rage at him when he was in such a sorry state. "It was pretty scary seeing you like that. You almost died on my watch."

Kaidan's eyes warmed a little at that comment and he reached out and took her hand, his biotics tingling and pulsing against her skin, "It wasn't your fault, Shepard."

She felt something twist painfully in her chest at the feel of her hand in his and she met his eyes, remembering all of those times when they'd sat together so casually and chatted like this. As hard as she tried to forget about Kaidan and how he'd made her feel, he'd been a big part of her life for a long time and she had missed him. But he'd _hurt her_. He'd hurt her badly several times over, and his lack of faith in her had wounded her more deeply than she'd let on. As much as she wanted to believe that Kaidan was the man she'd always thought he was, she didn't want to risk him hurting her again.

_She couldn't._

There was an awkward pause while Rennah casually pulled her hand away from his and folded her hands in her lap, trying unsuccessfully to ignore the hurt look on his face as she did so, "So how are you? When I spoke to the doctors outside they seemed quite positive." She steered the conversation back to a more comfortable path.

"The doctors say I'm fine, but they're keeping me here for a bit longer to run some more tests on my L2 implant. It got a little shook up and they want to make sure it's functioning okay before they let me go." Kaidan shrugged and winced as he talked, "They tell me I'm lucky to have survived."

"You were." Shepard let out a breath and leaned forward, "I'll never forget seeing you lying there and wondering if you'd been killed." She closed her eyes and shook her head slowly as she chased the memories from her mind, "Especially not after the way we left things on Mars."

"Yeah," Kaidan looked sad and he glanced back down at the sheet that was covering him from the waist down, picking at the cotton as he seemed to choose his words carefully, "I owe you an apology Shepard. Not just for Mars but for everything that came before. For the message I sent you and especially for Horizon. I wasn't wrong about Cerberus, but I was wrong about you and I'm sorry."

"Better late than never, I guess." Shepard said it before she could stop herself and she met his gaze with difficulty as she tried to stop the familiar anger from boiling up. "Is that why you wanted to see me? To apologise?" She knew her violet eyes would be showing how uncomfortable she was with this topic, and was grateful when he briefly changed it.

"Well, that and to say thank you for saving my ass. I heard from Joker that you picked up me up and carried me, armour and all, back to the ship." He gave her a mock-assessing look, "I always forget that you're stronger than you look."

Rennah snorted, "I couldn't just leave you for the Reapers."

"Thanks, Ren. I would have died if you hadn't saved me." Kaidan shifted again and the teasing light faded from his eyes as he saw how uncomfortable she was and he sighed, his toffee coloured eyes full of regret, "Look, I know you don't want to talk about it, but I need to know if we're going to be able to get past Horizon? I know I was a jerk, but I do want to make it up to you."

"Kaidan, we've been friends a long time." Shepard struggled not to cross her arms defensively. "I'd like for us to at least be able to work together again."

"That's not what I meant and I think you know that." He struggled into a sitting position, gritting his teeth with the effort. Once he'd settled himself he reached out and took her hand again, rubbing his thumb gently over his fingers as his gaze found hers. "I miss you, Ren. I miss having you in my life. When I almost died on Mars, my life flashed in front of my eyes and it put everything into perspective for me. I want to fix things between us. I know I don't deserve your forgiveness, but I can't help how I feel." He squeezed her hand tighter and gave her a hopeful smile, "I still love you."

Shepard felt her heart lurch at that admission and she struggled not to let anything show on her face. She'd known he still loved her despite his comments on Mars; she wasn't an idiot and she had seen the way he looked at her. But she hadn't expected him to actually come out and tell her so bluntly, or to try for a reconciliation.

"Kaidan..." She pulled her hand out of his and fought not to get overwhelmed by the situation, "Back on Horizon, all I wanted was to have you in my life, but I'm not so sure it would work anymore. You've moved on with your life and I've started moving on with mine…"

"You've found someone else, haven't you?" He sounded so jealous that Shepard looked up and met his eyes again despite herself, "Joker said there was no one, but I could tell…"

"No." Shepard tried not to think about James and the way his mouth had felt on hers or the way his body had felt against hers, and she squirmed in her seat under Kaidan's scrutiny, "I'm not seeing anyone, that's not the problem. It's just…" She took a deep breath and slowly let it out as she made herself toughen up. "You broke my heart."

Kaidan's eyes filled with anguished appeal and he reached for her hand again, "Ren, I'm so sorry. I made a huge mistake on Horizon and then I made another mistake when I questioned you on Mars…"

"Yeah, you did." Shepard pulled her hand away frowned at him, already tired of the emotional strain he inevitably caused her.

 _This_ was why she'd thought twice about coming to see him when he'd asked her to; because she'd known how things were going to go and what he was going to say. She'd seen the way his eyes had softened when he'd met her again on Earth and the way he'd watched her on Mars when he thought she wasn't looking. He missed her. He wanted her. Kaidan was still as in love with her as he'd ever been, only now he had finally realised that she _wasn't_ being controlled by Cerberus.

"Don't you feel anything for me anymore?" He let himself sink down onto the bed again, visibly steeling himself against the pain that moving caused him.

"Of course I do, but love isn't the problem Kaidan." She stood up and ran her hands through her hair in frustration as she looked down at him, hating how conflicted he made her feel.

Kaidan watched her with a small frown, as though trying to work out what was making her so determined to reject him, "You don't trust me?"

She glanced down at him a little sadly and shrugged, "I trust you Kaidan, just not with my heart."

He jerked like she'd slapped him and swallowed hard as his eyes focused on hers intently, "Okay, so you don't hate me and but you don't trust me. That's fine, I can work on that." He swallowed hard and smiled determinedly. "I'm not giving up on us, Shepard. I'm going to prove to you that you can rely on me and that I'm still the man you fell in love with."

His amber eyes burned into hers with all the intensity and passion he felt and Rennah felt herself wavering a little as she looked down at him, finally letting him take her hand again. Even though he'd hurt her and a huge part of her was burning with anger at the way he'd refused to believe in her, she still felt something for him and she missed him badly. The problem was that she suspected that if she let Kaidan back in her life she would spend every day waiting for him to hurt her again.

"I have to go." Shepard squeezed his hand and let it drop back to the bed, "I'm glad you're okay Kaidan, and for the record I think you'll make a good Spectre."

He brightened a little at that and smiled, "You do?"

"Yeah, I do. I'll visit again when I'm next on the station." She returned his smile and quickly left the room, waving briefly as he lay back and smiled after her.

Her smile faded as soon as she left the room and reality came crushing back down. She'd had a hell of a day and Kaidan's little apology and confession that he wanted to patch things up had complicated a situation that was already complicated enough; her love life. This morning with James had taken her completely by surprise, although he'd been right when he said that things had been building between them for a while. She'd been attracted to James, physically at least, from the very first moment she'd met him, but it had only been after the Batarian attack on the compound that she'd realised that the man behind the Lieutenant was just as amazing as he was attractive.

She hadn't known that James had been just as attracted to her, especially as he'd never shown any obvious sign other than what she'd thought was some harmless flirting. But, boy oh boy, the way James had talked to her in her cabin this morning had given her goose bumps; she'd had no idea that under his flirty exterior he was so serious and so passionate. She _was_ interested in him too, especially after that toe-curling kiss. That kiss had melted her to her very core and if he'd been less of a gentleman he could have pushed his advantage and she would have gone to bed with him happily…but he hadn't and that made her respect him even more.

Shepard made herself put both of the men out of her mind as she reached the elevator and pressed the call button, wondering if James and Garrus would still be down in the bar if she went straight there. After everything that had happened today, she needed a drink, and taking some time out to relax and chill before they headed out to Sur'Kesh was high on her list of priorities. Plus, hanging out with James as a friend might help her to put things back on a normal footing after this morning and maybe help her get her hormones back under control.

 _Of course_ , Shepard thought in amusement as she waited for the elevator, _the fact that my first thought after visiting Kaidan is to find James, probably isn't a sign that our relationship was going to be returning to normal any time soon._

But maybe that wasn't such a bad thing.

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**A/N – I'm home sick (damned flu has become bronchitis and my cough sounds like a dog bark) so I spent today writing a chapter for you guys! I hope you like it – let me know!**


	13. You Know

_Disclaimer: I don't own Mass Effect_

**A/N – Thank you to everyone who has reviewed or messaged me about this fic. I'm relieved everyone enjoyed the last chapter since I was worried I was making James move a little quickly…but I think it came across nicely. I hope you enjoy this chapter too!**

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James was still buzzing with excitement from the kiss he'd shared with Shepard in her cabin. It didn't seem to matter that it was hours later or that Shepard was currently meeting up with her ex; every time he thought back to that moment in her cabin he felt a rush of exhilaration as he relived the way she'd melted into his arms. It had felt so right to have her body against his as he kissed her! He'd honestly never experienced anything like it with anyone else before, and this had _only_ been a kiss. He couldn't imagine how much more intense it would be if they did move their relationship to the next level, and he was certain that they would.

Of course, it was troubling that Rennah had taken their entire crew to the Citadel just so she could visit Kaidan in the hospital. Yes, the guy had almost been killed on a mission that she was in charge of, but he hadn't exactly been Mr. Happy for the entire trip and it's wasn't like he'd been hurt trying to protect Shepard or anything noble like that. But obviously it wasn't quite as clear cut as that to Shepard, and her history with Kaidan wasn't something that was going to go away easily, so it was probably always going to affect how she behaved around him. They'd meant a lot to each other once upon a time and as much as James hated to admit it, they clearly still meant a lot to each other now.

Jealousy wasn't an emotion that he was used to feeling and he didn't like it one little bit, so distracting himself at the bar had seemed a great idea. It had also given him a chance to spend more time with Garrus, who had proven to be a surprisingly fun guy to spend time with despite the reputation that turians had of being boring and military minded. The turian was easy to talk to and was open and friendly with James as they swapped stories about battles they'd fought and some of the crazier situations they'd found themselves in over the years. He could see why Shepard relied on Garrus so heavily; the turian was definitely someone who James would have wanted on his side during a fight, although he suspected that some of his stories were _slightly_ exaggerated.

For the first time since joining the Normandy, James felt like he was actually part of the crew as he hung out with Garrus. He didn't feel like so much of an outsider as they traded stories about Shepard and compared notes about Cerberus; an organisation which they both agreed was up to something after the attack on Mars. He and Garrus had just touched on the more sobering subject of Shepard's death when the woman in question walked into Purgatory, her face impassive and unreadable as she glanced around. James knew without having to talk to her that she needed cheering up and he guessed that her little visit with Kaidan in the hospital hadn't been entirely pleasant.

He started to raise his arm and wave to her when something else caught her attention in the VIP section of Purgatory and she quickly crossed the room to the private lounge area where an asari was sprawled elegantly on a plush leather couch; an asari who James recognised from his time on Omega. _Aria_. He felt a shiver run down his spine as Shepard approached her as though they were old friends, shaking hands and then sitting beside her. Despite feeling like he was spying, James leaned forward and watched them as they began to discuss something in earnest, wondering what the asari had to say that Shepard could possibly want to listen to.

Aria was probably one of the scariest people that James had ever met, and he'd met some _very_ scary people in his time. During his stay on Omega he'd had a reasonable amount to do with the seedier side of life on the station, although given that the entire station was seedy that wasn't saying much, but he'd spent enough time in the bars and gambling dens to have seen Aria several times and to wonder what the hell Shepard was doing talking to her. It was curious enough that Aria was off Omega and had come to the Citadel, but judging from the angry way she was gesturing as she spoke to Shepard, it wasn't for anything good.

James leaned back in his seat and tried to focus on what Garrus was saying, but his mind refused to focus and before long he found himself wondering how Shepard could possibly know someone like Aria, and why she would be talking to her. Granted, they were both very powerful women in their own way, but it was curious to see them talking so closely, especially as they weren't people who James would have thought had a lot in common. Even more curious was that Rennah didn't seem to be uncomfortable about talking to Aria so openly, which was odd considering that the asari had her fingers in so many unpleasant pies. Aria stood for crime and corruption and Shepard had always fought against both, or she had as far as James was aware.

So why they talking like old friends?

"Is that Aria talking to Shepard?" Garrus almost spat his drink out as he leaned forward next to him and watched Shepard talk to the asari, his eyes focused intently on the two women.

"Looks like it." James glanced quickly at Garrus with a frown, equally surprised that the turian would know who Aria was. "Do they know each other?"

"Well, sure. Shepard dealt with Aria a few times on Omega. After that mess I got into with all those merc groups after me, Shepard came into get me out and Aria was nice enough to help point her in the right direction. I could be wrong, but I'm pretty sure she found out the mercs were planning on going after Aria when they were done with me, so I suppose Aria owes her one, so to speak."

"Wait... _you_ were on Omega?" James put his drink down in surprise and looked at the turian in shock. Sure, Garrus was tough, but he didn't seem like the type to be hanging out on Omega!

"It's a long story." Garrus gave him what passed for a turian smile, "But that was where Shepard found me when she was putting together her team to take down the Collectors."

James couldn't think of anything to say to that, so he nodded and looked back over in time to see Rennah shake Aria's hand as she stood up and began to walk towards the bar. As always he couldn't stop himself from watching her as she moved, completely helpless to look away even though he knew he should. Her dark hair was loose around her shoulders and was slightly more curled than usual, probably because she'd had it plaited and pinned up all day. She was wearing black jeans with low heeled boots and an N7 hoodie, and even in such casual clothing she looked incredible and drew looks from the people she passed.

She glanced up thoughtfully and raised a hand in greeting when she saw them watching her, a slow smile creeping across her face when she realised that both James and Garrus had been watching her talk to Aria and were looking at her somewhat suspiciously. Shepard snagged a stool from one of the tables nearby and pulled it up to the bar, squishing in between the men as Purgatory was busy and there wasn't space anywhere else. Garrus muttered something about pushy women spilling his drinks and she laughed as she settled herself on the seat, one long leg pressing briefly against James'.

"Okay Shepard, spill it! What were you doing talking to Aria?" Garrus barely waited until she was sitting down before he began interrogating her, "I was under the impression that she didn't especially care for you?"

Rennah got the bartenders attention far faster than James had been able to, and ordered a drink for herself while she answered casually, "Oh, Aria wants me to do some favours for her and in return she's going to help me."

"That was nicely vague." The turian looked at her from the corner of his eyes and sighed when Shepard stirred her drink and ignored his hint for more information, "So in other words, you're not going to tell me what she wants?"

"Well, a girl's got to have her secrets."

"It's nothing illegal is it?" James quickly held his hands up innocently when Rennah gave him a dirty look. "Hey, don't look at me like that. This is _Aria_ we're talking about and she rarely does anything without breaking one law or another."

"No _mother_ , it's nothing illegal." Rennah muttered sarcastically as she rolled her eyes. "But thanks for keeping me on the straight and narrow."

She turned away to face Garrus and Vega felt himself flush, and he quickly took a drink of beer to hide his embarrassment. Even though her tone had been joking, he could tell that she hadn't liked his question one little bit and he felt awkward for having upset her. He should have just kept quiet and not voiced his idiotic question, after all this was Commander Shepard – not some petty criminal. Of course she wasn't going to be running over the citadel committing crimes just to help out Aria.

_Nicely done, Vega! Shepard sits down and the first thing you say to her is basically an insult. Bravo._

"So Commander, how did the little visit with Alenko go? Is he feeling better?" Garrus leaned back in his seat, his eyes sparkling as he waited for Shepard's reply, clearly anticipating that the visit hadn't been sunshine and rainbows.

"He's lucky to be alive, but he's going to be fine." Rennah gave the turian a look that meant nothing to James, but which made Garrus grin and try to hide a laugh as she continued, "He thanked me for saving him, apologised for being an asshole and promised not to do it again."

"And…?" Garrus' grin widened as Shepard looked uncomfortable and shifted uneasily on her seat, "Out with it!"

She sighed and glanced momentarily at James, "And he wants to patch things up and get back together."

"I knew it!" Garrus picked up his dextro drink and slammed the rest of it down, gesturing at Shepard, "I told you back when we were with Cerberus that he was going to realise what an idiot he's been and come crawling back one day. I hope you sent him packing."

Vega could feel his heart thundering in his chest as adrenaline rushed through him at mere thought of Shepard being with another man. He'd known this would happen sooner or later, as soon as he'd seen Kaidan and Shepard together he'd known that Kaidan was still in love and it would only be a matter of time before he tried to fix things between them. James squeezed his hand tighter round his glass and tried not to let anything show on his face as he felt a million things all at once, chief amongst them was guilt and fear.

He'd always been a nice guy who tried to avoid hurting other people and the awareness that he was deliberately trying to romance Shepard away from Kaidan, especially when they both clearly still had feelings for each other, made him feel exceptionally guilty. He knew there was every chance that Rennah might actually love Kaidan enough to want to go back with him, since her feelings for Kaidan were probably stronger than her feelings for him. If she decided that she wanted to be with Kaidan again, should he fight for her? Did he even have a right to try?

"Not that it's any of your business, Vakarian, but I told him that I wasn't interested." Shepard finished her drink and raised her eyebrows at the turian, clearly wanting him to butt out of something that had nothing to do with him.

But Garrus was either oblivious or deliberately didn't take the hint, "I bet that went down well."

"He didn't take it as badly as I thought, but I think that's because he's so stubborn that he isn't going to give up on me." Shepard stood up and pushed her stool back in, clearly done for the day. "You know Garrus, you take an inordinate amount of interest in my love life."

"I have to live vicariously through someone, Shepard." Garrus followed suit and stood up, moving to the side aa a group of loud alliance soldiers pushed through to the bar, "And your love life is far more exciting than mine. At last count you'd broken the hearts of more crew mates than I have fingers to count on."

"Shut up." Rennah actually looked embarrassed and glanced quickly at James, as though she couldn't help herself.

James grinned at the turian; he was sure that comment had nothing to do with him, and if it did he didn't especially care. Shepard was so beautiful with such a vibrant personality that he wouldn't be surprised if half of her crew ended up with broken hearts by the time they finished serving with her. A woman like Rennah Shepard didn't come along very often, so she was bound to stir the interest and the hearts of the people around her. He did wonder, briefly, who else had fallen for Shepard and what had happened to them, but made himself move on since it was better to leave the past in the past.

On the way back to the Normandy, they all crammed into what James thought was the Citadel's smallest sky car; Garrus sitting in the front since there was no way both he and James could sit comfortably in the back together. James was too broad in the shoulders and Garrus' armour was far too bulky, and they would have wound up crammed together like sardines. Instead James found himself sitting quietly in the back with Shepard while Garrus, clearly more than a little drunk, talked happily with the sky car driver about the unfair regulations that C-Sec had recently passed about sky car flight restrictions.

"So Lola, should I be worried about Alenko?" James asked casually as he stretched out his legs, glancing forward to make sure that Garrus was distracted before he stretched an arm along the seat behind Rennah, his wrist lightly touching the back of her neck.

He saw Shepard shiver at the slight contact and felt pleased when she dropped her head back slightly and turned to face him, her head resting more on his arm than the seat. Her purple eyes seemed to glow different colours as they reflected the lights from the city and the neon from all the signs, and he wished fervently that it was just the two of them in the sky car so he could slide over next to her and take her in his arms. He didn't like the thought of her feeling _anything_ for Kaidan and it was unsettling to know that her ex wasn't going to back off so easily. Not that James could blame Alenko in the least, after all Shepard had said no to him earlier in the day and he'd persisted until she'd given in and admitted how she really felt.

Somehow though, it _wasn't_ the same thing.

"I don't want to be with someone who hurt me." Her voice was soft and she glanced forward to be sure that Garrus wasn't watching before she slid an inch closer to James, her head now resting on his forearm as she looked at him closely, "But I'm not sure if I want to be with _anyone_."

"Lucky I'm not just anyone then, aren't I?" James smirked and was rewarded with a smile, "I'm glad you turned him down. I mean, I know you did it for your own reasons and not for me, but I'm glad all the same."

"Me too," Shepard looked up into his eyes, still smiling slightly as she watched him, "although that doesn't mean I'm going to say yes to you."

James reflected that what Shepard was saying and what she was doing were two very different things. On one hand she was essentially telling him not to get his hopes up because she wasn't sure if she wanted to see him romantically, but on the other hand she was giving out all the right signals; casually touching him and flirting with him almost as much as he was with her. Was it deliberate or was she oblivious to how she was acting? He had no idea how Shepard behaved in a relationship, so he wasn't sure if this casual flirting was a good sign or not.

"I'm a patient man." James casually reached out with his other hand and brushed her hair out of her face, holding his breath as Shepard's eyes drifted closed at his touch and then flicked open again as though surprised at herself.

Their eyes met again and the world seemed to narrow down to just them in the back of the sky car; the two of them sitting wrapped in moving shadows and reflections of neon lights, a constant flickering world of light and dark. Everything else seemed to fade away; the noise of the city, Garrus' voice and even the low hum of the sky car engine. It was as though it were just he and Shepard alone in the universe. It was in moments like this that James could feel the connection between them and he knew that if Shepard would just give them a chance then everything would fall into place and it would be perfect between them.

Reality returned as the sky car pulled into the docking bay and settled in the parking zone, and the harsh light of the docks flooded the back of the car, banishing the cosy atmosphere. Shepard grinned self-consciously at him as she sat forward and straightened her hoodie, both of them knowing that at any minute Garrus could have looked back and seen them chatting so cosily. It might have been a little awkward, but James didn't especially care who knew that he liked Shepard, although he wasn't the officer in charge of the ship, so he wasn't under as much scrutiny as Rennah.

Garrus paid the driver as James opened the hatch, climbing out and waiting while Shepard followed him gracefully. As much as James had enjoyed getting some downtime on the Citadel, he was looking forward to getting back into space and on with the mission, especially as the news coming out of Earth was only getting worse as time went on. Plus, he was looking forward to seeing Shepard in action again, although hopefully he wasn't going to have to watch her get knocked on her ass again. He'd almost had a heart attack on Menae when she'd gone over the barricade and had lain stunned on the ground while that giant brute loped towards her.

James had had visions of her being torn apart and he'd jumped down and gone after her without thinking twice about his own safety, and Garrus hadn't been far behind; another reason why he liked and respected the turian. Shepard had been fine of course, and during the final fight on Menae when they'd found the new Primarch he'd found it hard to stay focused as he watched her fight. He'd seen biotics fight before, but Shepard took it to a whole new level and she'd been unstoppable as she'd torn husks and marauders apart.

Rennah Shepard may not have been the person he'd always imagined her to be, but she was like no one else he'd ever met and the more time he spent with her the deeper he could feel himself falling. There wasn't anything he could do about it though, he couldn't change who he was or how he felt about the people in his life. All he could do was hope that Shepard felt the same way about him and wait for her to figure out where she wanted to take them from here.

It was all in her hands now.

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**A/N – Sorry about how long it took to get this chapter out. I've been playing Mass Effect through again and I keep getting distracting with wanting to play 'just another mission'. It's my first time playing it on the PC and while it's definitely easier on the PC versus the Xbox, it's just as addicting! (I've just run into Kaidan on Horizon, so I'm feeling _especially_ unforgiving of him right now!)  
**

**I'm also slowly getting over my flu, so thank you to the people who wished me well.**


	14. I Tried To Stay Away

_Disclaimer: I don't own Mass Effect_

**A/N – Hello! Took me longer than I wanted to get this chapter written, so apologies as I was hoping to get it up yesterday! Thank you to all the people who are following, reviewing or have favourited this story – I hope you're all enjoying it.**

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Shepard sighed and mentally scrambled for an excuse that would allow her to get away from Lieutenant Tolan, who was clearly planning on lecturing her _again_ on the dangers of curing the genophage. He'd already ranted about her plans to free the krogan female _twice_ in the past two minutes, and it seemed he was going for the hat trick. He was without a doubt, the most disagreeable and frustrating salarian that Rennah had ever met and that was saying something since she found him to be even more unpleasant than the Dalatrass. As he spoke, his wide almond eyes flicked disapprovingly over her and he crossed his arms defensively as he continued to criticise her decision to back Wrex instead of the Dalatrass.

Rennah had only started talking to Tolan because he'd introduced himself to her and told her that he'd known Captain Kirrahe, and she'd stayed talking to him because she honestly had nothing better to do while she waited for the female krogan. But, boy oh boy, she was fast regretting her decision to converse with him; Tolan had such a high opinion of himself that it made her want to punch him and it was taking everything she had not to do so. He'd seemed nice enough at first, but then the criticisms had begun and then the complaints, and the tirade about why the salarians were superior to humans.

 _How much longer can he possibly talk for?_ Shepard glanced over her shoulder at Garrus and James, who were both looking just as bored as she was. _Well, at least I'm not the only being bored to death by him._

"…personally, I would have executed the female rather than bring her back here." Tolan narrowed his eyes at Rennah and she glared childishly back at him as he twirled a hand through the hair in what he probably thought was an elegant gesture. "I always thought it was a mistake to keep her alive and now I've been proved right. Curing the genophage is folly and it will be the ruin of us all…"

_Is he ever going to shut up?_

Rennah sighed again as he continued to drone incessantly about everything she was doing wrong and about his misgivings about a war against the Reapers. Shepard had known a lot of salarians and in her experience the salarian people seemed to be split down the middle as a group and were either hard working with a lot of common sense, or were high minded and arrogant. Tolan was definitely one of the latter and talking to him was about as pleasant as nails on a blackboard, possibly even _less_ pleasant.

She let her gaze roam around the facility again and saw Padok, the base commander, speaking into his omni-tool quickly as his eyes darted all over the room as though alert for danger. Something was clearly going on and the salarians were noticeably on edge. She wasn't sure if it was the presence of Wrex that had them acting so frenetic or the thought of someone curing the genophage, or something else entirely. Whatever it was, they clearly weren't happy and Padok closed his omni-tool quickly and looked up at her, almost as though he could sense her watching him.

"Commander, they're ready for you downstairs." Padok called to her and Shepard gratefully walked away from Tolan, who spluttered in indignation as she left him midway through a list of reasons why engaging in a war with the Reapers was a mistake. "Someone will meet you below and take you to the female."

She nodded her thanks at the commander as she walked with him to the elevator, James and Garrus a step behind her. "Is Tolan always that unpleasant?" She asked, "Or am I just lucky?"

" _Just_ unpleasant?" Padok grinned as gestured for her to enter the elevator, his face stretched into a grin. "Tolan is normally much worse but he _is_ very good at his job. Talks too much. Thinks too little."

Shepard nodded in amusement as the elevator door swished closed and Padok vanished from view, then she leaned back against the cool metal wall; already exhausted from talking with the salarians. It was like dealing with speed addicts back on the streets on Earth! They talked far too fast, were always hyper and had a tendency to assume that you wanted to hear their thoughts on _everything_. Their scientific know-how was impressive, she'd never try to deny it, but at times they could be a little too clinical. Personally, she preferred to roll the dice and see where they fell rather than spend her life analysing the odds and never taking the roll.

"I thought we were going to be stuck listening to that boring salarian for ever." Garrus complained as he leaned against the wall next to her, his sniper rifle slung casually over his shoulder.

James nodded as he crossed his arms over his chest and stood facing them, his eyes unusually reserved and lacking the usual teasing spark as he watched her, "Yeah, I'm surprised you didn't deck him, Commander."

"It was tempting." Rennah admitted with a slight grin that James returned only briefly before glancing away again, as though he found it hard to look at her.

James' change in behaviour was her fault, Rennah acknowledged guiltily as she fiddled with her omni-tool, but she had no idea of what to do to fix the problem. She felt awkward as hell that she'd hurt his feelings when she'd tried to put their friendship back on a more normal level, but after that moment in the car, she hadn't felt like she had a choice. It had been _too_ intimate and it had made the journey to Sur'Kesh awkward to say the least. She'd been glad when they had arrived for many reasons.

For one thing, Garrus seemed to know that something was up between her and James and he'd attempted to corner her in the mess several times with pointed conversations about Vega. So, she'd taken to avoiding her usual late night cup of tea since that was when Garrus invariably tried to talk to her one on one. It was uncomfortable. _She_ didn't even know how she felt about James and she didn't want to try and explain it to Garrus.

Plus she _really_ missed her cups of mint tea.

The awkwardness with James was the other reason she'd been glad to arrive. She'd gone out of her way to avoid being alone with him and apparently she'd been a little too obvious about it and he'd taken it to heart. She hadn't meant to hurt his feelings, but the moment they'd shared coming back from Purgatory had been a little too intense for her to handle and she'd been shaken by it. She wasn't used to feeling this way about men and since the last person who'd made her feel this way had crushed her heart, she was wasn't sure if she could trust her own feelings.

When they'd locked eyes in the back of the car, it had almost been like James had seen straight into her heart and she'd felt an intense rush of desire that was stronger than anything she'd ever felt. Only the bump as the sky car landed had stopped her from closing the distance between them; she'd wanted James to hold her and kiss her again and it was terrifying to know that he had that kind of power over her. So, she'd done the only thing she could think of and had started putting some distance between them again.

_I'm such a fool._

Rennah knew that James had picked up on her fear; although he was clearly at a loss as to what he'd done to make her back off from him. Maybe it was cowardly not to talk to him about how she felt, but it had been beaten into her as a child that emotions and feelings were weak and even as an adult she had a hard time expressing herself without feeling exposed. To give James credit though, once he realised that she needed some breathing room, he'd backed off and had given her the space she needed.

But she could tell that he was hurting and she knew that it was her fault.

Despite how much time she'd spent avoiding both Garrus and James, they were still the most useful members of her crew because of their combat experience, so she'd included them in her landing team in spite of her personal feelings. James _was_ a professional soldier and though it was easy to forget that when they were joking around on the Normandy, as soon as his combat armour was on he became a completely different person. His experience fighting the Collectors had already proven to be invaluable when they had encountered Reaper troops, and Vega had proven himself capable of handling any situation he was in.

Rennah trusted both of them to watch her back when they were in the middle of a fire fight, as James's physical prowess coupled with Garrus' sniping abilities made them an excellent team. She wasn't expecting any trouble today, but after the way the salarians had _greeted_ them with weapons raised she was glad she'd brought along two such physically imposing people. Despite her frightening reputation there were _always_ people who saw her as just another pretty face and didn't take her threats of violence seriously.

Rennah made herself look away from James as the elevator opened and she strode out, surprised when she heard a familiar salarian voice that she hadn't expected to ever hear again; Mordin Solus. She felt herself grin despite the serious situation, Mordin and his dry deadpan sense of humour had been a never ending source of amusement when she'd been taking on the Collectors. He was the kind of person who was far more than he appeared as physically he seemed to be nothing more than a harmless scientist, but he was absolutely devastating in a fight.

"Ah, Shepard! Good to see you!" He came towards her quickly, grasped her arm as though pulling her in for a hug and quickly whispered to her, "Glad it was you they sent. Was worried that the krogan might try to come in force. Glad my information reached Wrex." He winked at her as he let her go and straightened.

"You were Wrex's insider?" Rennah chuckled quietly and clapped Mordin on the shoulder, "I always knew you regretted the genophage."

Mordin narrowed his eyes at her and shook his head, "No, not regret. Right decision at time. Times have changed. Choices changed." He drew in a deep breath and nodded as he spoke more slowly, "Genophage is the _only_ hope for the krogan race. Eve is the only hope."

"Eve?" Garrus rumbled from behind her and Mordin glanced up at him.

"Ah Garrus, good to see you." The salarian offered him a hand which Garrus shook, "Eve is the female krogan. Name seemed appropriate."

"Wait, I thought the salarians recovered more than one female?" This time James spoke, and Mordin looked at him curiously before nodding.

He led them over to a containment cell and sighed sadly, "Yes, more than one female found, but all now dead except Eve. She was strongest but is still sick. Best chance we have though. Lucky we kept Maelon's data."

He nodded at the cell and Shepard saw a female krogan inside who was covered head to toe in beautiful flowing robes, except for her eyes which glittered furiously as they glared out at her. They were the eyes of someone who had suffered too much, the eyes of someone who wanted freedom but wasn't expecting to get it. She could remember the same look in her own eyes as a teenager, and without thinking about it she walked up to the cell and began talking the female inside; Eve would get her freedom if it was the last thing Shepard did.

* * *

James half-listened as the salarian talked to Shepard; Mordin seemed even more on edge than a regular scientist, and it was clear that the security lockdown that the salarians had issued only moments ago had him worried. James could empathise as there was a feeling in the air that something big was about to happen, it the same feeling he always got before a battle. So when the lights flickered and went out and the emergency lighting came on, dim and red, James wasn't surprised and he didn't even flinch when the salarians began to issue alerts about incoming ships.

He unslung his assault rifle and readied a clip, trying not to focus too much on Shepard as she and Mordin spoke to the female quietly, their voices so soft that he couldn't hear what they were saying. The female was in a containment cell and was restrained, a security measure that seemed completely pointless to James given how ill she appeared. When she spoke, her voice was heavy with anticipation of death and pain and he felt a swell of pity that any sentient creature should have to go through such painful medical procedures. That she had watched her friends die, knowing that she would suffer the same fate, was even more heart wrenching.

Rennah seemed similarly moved by the female krogan's fate and when she turned to answer a bleep on her omni-tool, James saw a look of deep sympathy and regret on her face. The vids could say what they liked about Shepard being a hard cold bitch; he knew she had strong emotions that ran deep, and she was just as touched as anyone would be to see a living creature treated so cruelly. Seeing her so moved by Eve made James even more aware that somehow he'd somehow stuffed things up between himself and Shepard and a rush of dejection sweep through him.

He didn't know what he'd done wrong exactly, but for some reason what had been an amazing moment for him in the back of the sky car had made Shepard retreat from him emotionally. It had horrified James to see her look _frightened_ of him whenever they were alone together and he hadn't known what to do except than let her work through her problems by herself. At some point he knew he'd have to talk to her again and find out what he'd done wrong, but for now he couldn't bring himself to confront her when he was sure that pushing this issue would push her further away.

"Shepard?" James jerked his attention back to Rennah as Wrex's rough voice boomed over her omni-tool and he moved a little closer so he could see the Krogan's face on the screen. "Cerberus is landing troops up here and attacking the base, you've got to get the females out of here _now_."

"Only one female survived." Shepard spoke in a no-nonsense tone as she glanced back at Eve. "I'll get her moving but do what you can about those troops." She closed her tool down and whirled to face Mordin, "We need to get out of here fast."

"Agreed." Mordin quickly walked up to the security panel that controlled the containment cell and typed in a code which opened the front. "I'll need to monitor her condition as the cell passes through quarantine. Meet us at the next checkpoint, Shepard. The cell has limited shielding so delays are not advised."

The cell door closed and both the salarian and the krogan female looked down at Shepard silently as they began to slowly pass through quarantine and vanished from view. There was a moment of silence as they disappeared and then a loud explosion rocked the base as the elevator they'd used only moments ago exploded in a billowing cloud of fire and smoke. Shepard whirled around and sighed angrily, and James almost chuckled at the frustrated expression on her face as she pulled her heavy pistol from its holster and began to glow with that rippling blue biotic light.

"Nothing's ever simple, is it?" James asked her lightly as he raised and readied his assault rifle and glanced at Garrus who was fixing the scope on his sniper rifle.

Rennah shook her head and looked at him with eyes that sparkled with blue light, meeting his gaze unflinchingly for the first time in days, "Not when Cerberus is involved."

Shepard signalled for them to move out and they began to advance towards the far end of the facility, where an emergency exit was visible. James and Garrus followed closely behind Shepard, both of them ready to provide covering fire should she need it; _and she did_. Cerberus converged on them like a swarm of angry insects and the air became alive with the fire of turrets and rifle fire as Cerberus troopers did their best to stop them from freeing Eve.

The next few minutes became a mad rush of climbing ladders, storming across balconies and fighting off wave after wave of Cerberus troops, and soon James felt himself falling into the familiar rhythm of battle as he pushed forward. He knew how to fight and was starting to recognise Cerberus tactics, so ensured that he was always covering Shepard so she could clear Mordin and Eve through the checkpoints. He hadn't arrived on Sur'Kesh expecting such a ferocious fight, especially not a fight from an enemy as well organised and well-resourced as Cerberus, but he sure as hell wasn't going to let them win.

It wasn't the waves of troops that were posing the biggest problem; it was the engineers who were constantly setting up and repairing turrets that kept them pinned down for more time than they could spare. Even worse was that as many troops and engineers as James and Garrus put down, it seemed there was always another drop ship that would let off even more soldiers. It was insane, and it made the fight against Cerberus on Mars seem like child's play.

James leaped over a low wall and took cover behind a column as Garrus took out yet another engineer who was setting up a turret. Shepard was a few metres to the left of him and Vega glanced around the corner to see where the nearest troops where, counting three of them before he ducked back behind cover and signalled for her to wait for his sign to move. He ejected the spent thermal clip and then quickly leaned out from cover and fired a burst of rounds at the troops who were trying to take cover in one of the labs; they went down screaming and James nodded at Shepard that it was safe to move.

He moved forward and ducked behind a low wall as he watched her vault a console and clear the cell through the final checks, her body still glowing blue as she kept her barrier active while she was exposed. The landing pad was on the other side of this level and although Cerberus opposition had been strong, the corridor that led to it was clear for now. He just hoped it stayed that was as he was running low on ammo and had only a couple of grenades left.

"Shepard! Wait! More troops!" Mordin frantically waved Rennah away from the controls as another drop ship hovered over the facility and this time dropped a hulking Atlas along with the regular troops.

The facility shook as the mech thudded to the ground and the other Cerberus troops landed around it and fanned out. Shepard's biotic energy spiked and she sent a singularity at them, the biotic attack immediately pulling three of them up in the air as they thrashed uselessly and fought to get free. James disposed of them with his assault rifle and then swore viciously as one of the remaining troopers fired at him; the bullets hitting the wall behind him as ducked back behind cover.

"Let's do this fast and get the hell out of here." Shepard yelled at him as she ducked down behind the control panel as the Atlas turned in her direction and began to stomp forward.

James could hear the Atlas as it began to approach and felt the slight trembling in the ground with each step it took. He risked a quick look up from cover and was surprised to see that the soldiers and engineers weren't even attempting to fire at any of them, instead they had taken up flanking positions alongside of the Alas and appeared to acting as a guard envoy to protect it.

_Well, I guess I know what I'm going to be firing at first!_

He took one of the two frag grenades he had left and lobbed it at the mech, ducking back behind the wall as he heard panicked cries as the grenade skittered across the ground and came to rest in the path of the mech amongst some troopers. There was a flash and a resounding boom as it went off, although he could still hear the Atlas moving, so he knew he'd only damaged it. He glanced up again and saw that several of the troops and one of the engineers was lying dead and still on the ground, some of them missing limbs from the force of the explosion.

He picked up his last grenade and threw it at the Atlas just as a Cerberus soldier hurled what looked like a flashbang grenade in his direction. James swore again and dodged back behind the wall as he saw the flashbang land on his side. He had a moment to wonder if he could lob it back, before it went off and the force of it sent him reeling to the ground and staggering backwards, temporarily blinded by aftershocks as his ears rang.

Frantically, James scrabbled blindly back against the wall and stayed low, holding his gun tightly to his chest as he tried to shake the aftershock images away unsuccessfully. Noise was retuning in a confusing blur of gunfire, yelling and the sound of Garrus' concussive shocks hitting the Atlas, but his vision was slower to recover from the damned grenade and he stayed down and blinked slowly as he waited for the shock to pass. Bright white spots danced in his vision, but slowly his eyesight returned to normal and after a few moments he could see well enough to look around and get his bearings.

The Atlas had stopped moving and James noticed something he hadn't seen earlier; a strange weapon mounted on its shoulder, a type of gun which he'd never seen before, but which was glowing blue in a way that reminded him of biotic energy. An engineer was up on the back of the mech and adjusting something on the gun as the Atlas aimed the weapon in the direction of the containment cell.

James looked across and felt a rush of dread as he saw that Shepard was still near the control panel and in front of the cell door, pinned down and unable to get to cover. The troopers weren't even trying to take her out; only to stop her from getting away. Each time she tried to break cover or use her biotics on them, the Cerberus troops that had survived his grenades would lay down suppressing fire and she would have to duck behind the console again in full view of the Atlas.

Although she was staying calm, he could tell that Rennah was terrified as she looked around frantically and he knew that she was stuck with no way out. The mech adjusted it's gun to aim in her direction and James felt adrenaline surge through him as he moved fast to bring his rifle up; none of them had realised he was up again and he sighted down his gun and began firing at the troops that had her pinned down. The familiar rattling growl of the gun loud in his ears as he took two of them out easily before his thermal clip emptied and his gun flashed red to show it was out of clips.

_No no no!_

He dropped his rifle and drew his handgun, fear crawling across his skin at the inadequacy of his weapon as the troopers ignored him completely and continued to keep Shepard pinned down. He managed to take another troop down but knew that there was no way he could get all of them in time to save her and he looked across at Rennah as she stayed low, her face pale as she glanced at him and their eyes met again. Time seemed to slow for a moment, just as it had in the back of the car, and with a horrifying jolt James realised as he stared into her eyes that Shepard thought she was going to die. He could see it in her gaze; the fear and resignation in her eyes as she looked at him helplessly, recognising that there was nothing either of them could do to save her.

_Where the fuck is Garrus?_

There was a whine as the weapon on the Atlas powered up and James tore his gaze away from Shepard and focused back on the mech, determined to do something to keep it from firing on her. There was no time left and he wasn't going to lose Shepard. Not again, not ever, especially after everything they'd been through together and how close they'd become. Without thinking, he did the only thing left and used Carnage on the gun mounted on the arm of the mech just as it fired, the gun jolting as the Carnage ripped it to shreds.

_Too late! I was too late!_

The gun managed to fire out one blast of peculiar glowing nodules as it broke apart, firing them in a scattering pattern much like shotgun pellets. They hit both Shepard and the containment cell behind her and embedded in her armour, flashing brightly and then emitting a pale blue pulse. Shepard screamed, a harsh sound of excruciating pain that hit James like a punch to the stomach, but he could only watch as the nodules in her armour pulsed and she dropped to the ground, clutching her head as though they were affecting the implants in her skull.

Without thinking he broke cover and tried to run to Shepard, but the Cerberus troops were finally taking notice of him and they fired en masse, forcing him to roll back into cover again with Rennah's shrieks still echoing in his ears. He felt pain rip through his shoulder and knew he'd been hit, but he ignored it, guessing he'd been hit by a stray shredder round that had got him in between his armour plates. He refused to focus on the warm feeling of wet blood tricking down his arm and chest under his armour; medigel would kick in soon, he just needed to stay focused and find a way to Shepard.

He heard the sound of a concussive shot and glanced up to see Garrus taking cover behind a garden bed about twenty metres away, his sniper rifle up and aimed. Around him were the bodies of several Cerberus troops, and James realised they'd tried to sneak up from behind and had run into Garrus instead. The turian fired again and the Atlas exploded loudly, showering huge twisted chunks of smoking metal all around the room.

From the corner of his eye James saw movement and he looked back and saw the remaining Cerberus engineer had made it to Shepard while the troops covered him. He had his omni-tool out and was scanning Shepard who had finally stopped screaming, but was still covered in the glowing blue light that the nodules were emitting. The man ignored the containment cell completely, his attention fully on Shepard as she clutched her head and writhed on the ground.

 _They weren't after Eve,_ James realised with dawning horror, _they were after Shepard!_

The engineer closed his omni-tool and spoke into his transponder as he signalled to several of the troops to come help him, pulling Shepard up into a sitting position and getting her ready to be moved. James saw red and forgot everything except a burning need to keep Shepard out of the hands of Cerberus. He charged forward again and this time the troops were too slow to try and pin him down with fire. He could hear Garrus distracting them and saw that the Atlas explosion had injured a few of the Cerberus troopers as well.

He smashed into the engineer with as much strength as he could and rammed him against the containment cell door, rage pumping through him at the thought of this man trying to hurt Shepard. The engineer tried to pull free and James growled as he grabbed his head and slammed it against the cell door as hard as he could, the helmet shattering as the cell door cracked from the force. He activated his omni-blade and rammed it into the engineer's chest while he was dazed, twisting and ripping it upwards and spilling his insides as the man screamed and then went silent.

A chunk of the engineer's helmet fell away and James saw the blackened and husk-like face of the man beneath, but before he could look at it properly he saw movement again and whirled around with his omni-blade raised, ready to kill anyone who came near Shepard. Relief flooded him when he saw that it was Wrex and Garrus, both of them holding shotguns and splattered with blood, but then his gaze fell on Shepard and the relief vanished under cold hard fear. Up close Rennah was a mess and was clearly in agony; her face deathly pale as the blue light crawled over her skin, her arms and hands twitching spasmodically.

"Take care of Shepard, we'll get Mordin and Eve out." Garrus leaned his rifle against the panel and began to clear them as Wrex acted as a lookout, clearly expecting more troops to attack them.

James carefully grasped Shepard's shoulders and lay her down softly, almost gasping as the blue light tingled up his arms like electricity and numbed his skin where he touched her armour. Unsure what to do to help her, he leaned over her and tried to see if any of the nodules had hit her neck or face, but she seemed clear and he cupped her cheek gently as she continued to twitch, a soft whimpering sound just audible through her tightly pinched lips.

"Shepard?" He moved his hand from her cheek to grasp her hand and held it, trying not to let the wave of terror he felt at seeing her like this overwhelm him.

_Please let her be okay. Please._

He felt worse than helpless as Garrus released Mordin and Eve, and the salarian sprang forward with his omni-tool out and quickly scanned Shepard, the nodules and even the dead engineers omni-tool, nodding as though whatever he saw was expected, "Need to leave now; more Cerberus ships incoming." The salarian drew in a quick breath, "Shepard needs immediate medical attention."

James nodded and with Garrus' help he lifted Shepard, supporting her weight between them as they jogged down the corridor towards the shuttle. Wrex and Eve waddled ahead of them as Mordin covered them from behind. Despite the salarian's fears they made it to the shuttle without further incidents, although they could see more Cerberus drop ships approaching and Cortez wasted no time in lifting off. James and Garrus put Shepard down on the floor and made room as Mordin approached again, his omni-tool out as he scanned the nodes embedded in her armour for a second time and frowned slightly.

"Recommend removing armour. The nodes are designed to emit a signal that disrupts and overloads biotic implants and amps. Unsure of how much damage may be done to Shepard." The salarian looked concerned and he gently brushed some of Rennah's dark hair off her face, the ashen colour and clammy appearance clearly not reassuring him.

James nodded and he and Garrus set around unclipping and removing her armour segments. He knew there was an emergency release for her armour that would automatically unlock every part of it, but he wasn't sure where the release was for the N7 armour and he didn't want to go searching for it when Shepard was still twitching in agony. He and Garrus worked quickly and within a minute they'd removed the armour and Shepard was left in her underclothes; a black tank top and skimpy black shorts.

The blue light was still crawling over the armour, but as soon as they removed it from Shepard and tossed it in a corner, the light faded from her skin and she stopped trembling and lay still on the floor. Her skin was covered in goose bumps and the only movement she made was to clumsily raise her hand to her head where her implant sat closest to the surface. James didn't know what to do; he didn't know if touching her again would hurt her or reassure her, but he wanted to stop her from clawing at her head in case she harmed herself more.

"What would the weapon have done to her?" He caught Rennah's hand in his and pulled it down and away from her head, holding it in his own as she lay still, the only sign of life was the rise and fall of her chest and flickering of her eyes behind her eyelids.

"Scanned Cerberus orders from engineer's omni-tool. Priorities were to kill Eve in order to prevent genophage cure and to capture Shepard alive using their new prototype weapon." Mordin stood up and paced and Garrus moved to crouch on the other side of Shepard, his eyes worried as they moved over her. "Unlikely Cerberus would have wanted permanent neural damage, but if implant is shorted there is the possibility of a brain haemorrhage. Not sure; Shepard has been extensively altered with cybernetics, so impossible to know exactly what damage had been done."

James squeezed her hand tightly and gently smoothed her hair back with his other hand, fighting hard to keep his fear in check at the thought of Shepard being hurt so badly. That Cerberus could do this to her and risk giving her a stroke or permanent brain damage chilled his blood beyond belief. He could feel Garrus watching him as he stayed kneeling next to Shepard, but he didn't care; if the turian hadn't realised that James had feelings for her before today, he would have to be a blind idiot not to know that he cared about her now.

But it didn't matter; nothing mattered except Shepard.

"She'll be okay, Vega." Garrus reached out and patted the hand that held Shepard's "Death couldn't stop her, so she'll bounce back from this."

"Yeah, of course she will." James nodded and looked up gratefully at his friend, the knot of fear inside of him loosening slightly at the certainty in the turian's voice.

He and Shepard had spent the last few nights dancing around each other awkwardly because of a moment of closeness that should have been something special for both of them. He didn't know why it had terrified her, or why she'd backed off, but he shouldn't have let her pull away from him after they'd had that moment of connection in the car. He should have asked her what he'd done to scare her and done everything he could to reassure her that he wasn't going to hurt her…because now it might be too late.

James hoped Garrus was right, he really did, but as he looked down into Rennah's deathly pale face he couldn't help but worry that this might be something that she wouldn't be able to come back from, and that Cerberus might have taken Shepard away from him forever.

* * *

**A/N – Poor Shepard! Poor James! I had to write this chapter in chunks because it was action packed and had so much in it, which is why it took me so long. (Okay, 4 days isn't 'long' but I started writing this chapter as soon as I finished the last, and 4 days of snatched writing time is 'long' for me.)  
**

**I hope you enjoyed it! Poor James and Shepard – it's one step forward and two steps back for them at the moment.**


	15. I Can't Disappear

_Disclaimer: I don't own Mass Effect!_

**A/N – Thank you to everyone who reviewed and again, I apologise for the typos in the last chapter; late night quickie editing and I do not go well together! Now, this chapter was supposed to be light hearted and cute…but it got Kaidan'd and became quite angsty. I'll save the humour for the next chapter!**

* * *

For the second time in his life, James sat next to Shepard as she lay pale and still on a hospital bed, hoping and waiting for her to wake up. She was going to be fine, he knew that, but it didn't make waiting for her to wake up any easier. She looked deceptively delicate when she was asleep, especially when she was curled up under a sheet like she was now. He wanted to curl up next to her and hold her body to his, to try and shelter her from the storm that was her life, but he doubted that Shepard would appreciate waking up to find him wrapped around her like a boa constrictor.

In many ways Rennah had been very lucky; the Cerberus weapon _had_ shorted out her biotic implant and her amp, but there had been no damage to the surrounding brain tissue. She did have nasty head injury from hitting her head on the control panel as she'd fallen to the ground and the concussion had been bad enough that Rennah had been in and out of consciousness for almost two days. She'd woken up confused and disorientated several times in the medbay and they'd eventually had to restrain her. Chakwas hadn't been overly worried; disorientation and temporary short term memory problems were common with head injuries, she'd told him.

James had sat with Rennah while she'd been out and had learned the hard way that when someone came to after being knocked out, that it wasn't like in the vids where they woke up as if they'd just been asleep. The first time Shepard had woken up, she'd stared at him in confusion before throwing up on him and passing out again and his horrified reaction had made Chakwas howl with laughter. Another time she'd woken up she hadn't known who he was or where she was, she'd just asked for Anderson and Kaidan and had mumbled something about a beacon and Eden Prime before groggily closing her eyes again.

The most upsetting thing that had happened, even worse than Rennah throwing up on him, was when she had started yelling and crying in her sleep. It was the first time that James and Chakwas had been forced to restrain her as she'd thrashed around so much that she'd almost fallen out of bed. The nightmare hadn't been the confusing part; James knew that someone who'd been through what Sheppard had been through would invariably have nightmares. The really strange thing was that neither he nor Chakwas had been able to understand the language Shepard was yelling in and they'd discussed it for almost fifteen minutes before EDI had stepped in.

"Shepard is speaking in Russian." EDI had told them helpfully through the COMs system when they'd tried to puzzle it out. "Most translators cater for the galactic community and not for regional Earth dialects. It is not surprising that your translators cannot translate it."

"But Shepard isn't Russian. She grew up in L.A." James hadn't meant to let slip that he knew where she'd grown up, but he doubted Chakwas or EDI would think anything of it.

"Be that as it may, Lieutenant Vega, it does not change the fact that Shepard _is_ speaking in Russian."

"Right, yeah." James felt like EDI was chastising him and he cleared his throat awkwardly, "So what's she saying?"

There was a pause before EDI very carefully replied, "Commander Shepard is saying something of a personal nature. It is not information that is in her public record, nor do I think it is something she would want known."

James and Chakwas had exchanged a look and pushed EDI for details, but no matter what they said, the AI steadfastly refused to share the information with them. Truthfully, James wasn't sure he wanted to know, given that Shepard had been sobbing hysterically when she'd been shouting. She didn't seem like the type of person who cried easily and he wasn't sure he wanted to know what had happened in her past to make her scream and cry like that. There was nothing in her public record about her knowing how to speak Russian or even having been to Russia, so whatever it was had been kept quiet deliberately and he wanted to respect that despite his curiosity.

Chakwas had monitored Shepard carefully for twenty four hours before she had made her medical decision and had talked to James, Liara and Garrus about their options. She admitted that she _did_ have several backup implants and the necessary equipment to perform the replacement surgery on the Normandy, but the implants she had weren't as powerful as what Shepard was currently using and she had no other medical personnel to assist her in what could be a potentially dangerous surgery. She'd asked them, politely but firmly, to return to the Citadel so Shepard could get the surgery at Huerta where they would have more powerful implants and more medical professionals.

The Normandy's crew had been more than happy to return, but there had been a lot of arguing from Wrex who had wanted to return to Tuchanka straight away. It had only been when Mordin pointed out that he would need time to synthesise a genophage cure that Wrex had relented and Joker had returned to the Citadel with all haste. Chakwas had kept Shepard sedated for the journey back to the Citadel, preferring to keep her unconscious in case she became disorientated again and also to ensure she remained in bed resting her head injury.

Shepard, she had confided to James, hated hospitals.

They'd reached the Citadel two days ago and Shepard had been rushed to Huerta where they'd kept her under observation for a day before the specialists decided that her brain swelling had receded enough for them to perform the dangerous neurosurgery to replace her implant. The way Chakwas had described the surgery to replace the implant on the Normandy, had made it seem like the surgery was routine and simple, but James had since learned that the surgery was not only extremely dangerous, but also came with a risk of brain damage. Chakwas, who was a neuro-specialist, had reassured James that Shepard would be fine and not to worry.

But he had.

He hadn't been alone in his worry and he'd had company as he sat waiting and fretting in the hospital waiting room; Liara, Garrus and Kaidan had all stayed there for the lengthy five hour surgery. Alenko had only been released the previous day himself and had been horrified when he realised the Normandy was back so quickly because Shepard had been injured. It was Kaidan who had shared with James the risks involved with replacing a biotic implant and it was Kaidan who had kept him the most on edge. Alenko had been genuinely frightened for Shepard's safety during the surgery, knowing better than the rest of them exactly how badly things could go wrong.

Thankfully, Shepard had come through the surgery fine and liberal doses of medigel and other advanced healing agents were assisting in fast tracking her recovery. She'd woken up briefly in recovery and had spoken to Chakwas about her surgery before falling asleep again and they'd moved her to a private room where she could get round the clock monitoring while she recovered. James had stayed with her while she slept and though he knew he should get some rest himself, he didn't want to leave Shepard's side in case she woke up when wasn't there.

Rennah shifted restlessly in the bed and rolled over, sighing and stretching out under the hospital blanket they'd tucked around her; her long body briefly outlined through the covers. James kept his eyes pinned to her face as she drew in a deep breath and slowly opened her eyes, blinking dazedly at the bright hospital lights above her before focusing on his face.

"Hey Jimmy." She smiled at him sleepily and rolled over to face him, the movement so intimate and sweet that James couldn't help but imagine waking up to her looking like this every day.

"Hey yourself." James returned her smile and some of the tension in him eased as she reached out a hand and clasped his, her grip firm despite the trauma she'd been through. "How are you feeling, Lola?"

"Sore." She squeezed his hand and raised her other hand to her head, gingerly touching the bandages that had been wrapped around it. "What happened? I remember talking to Chakwas earlier and she said something about replacing my implant?"

He nodded and absently ran his thumb over his fingers as he recounted what had happened to her over the past few days. He skipped over some bits, like Wrex wanting to return to Tuchanka even though she was injured and didn't linger too long on her disorientated episodes on the Normandy. Shepard was very interested in Cerberus' new weapon and in the Illusive Man's sudden interest and need to capture her, although she admitted that she had no idea why he would be so desperate to get her back.

"Thanks for saving me…again. Chakwas said that if you hadn't destroyed the gun when you did that more of the nodules would have hit me and it probably would have done more damage." She met his gaze properly and her lips twisted in a wry expression of guilt. "I guess I should apologise for my behaviour on the way to Sur'Kesh…"

"Oh, no, that's fine." James swallowed hard, suddenly nervous and unsure of himself since he hadn't expected Shepard to broach this subject. "You don't have to apologise…"

"Yeah I do." She quietly cut him off and looked away, picking absently at the blanket covering her, "I'm not very good at this, at talking to people I mean, but I know I upset you and I'm sorry. I didn't mean to, I just got…scared."

"Scared of me?" James felt that knot of tension start to build again. He'd been hoping that maybe they could work through things together, but if she was scared of _him_ there wasn't a lot he could do short of trying to work out what he'd done to scare her and rectify it. "What did I do to make you scared of me…"

"No, I'm not scared of you. I'm scared of _me_." She met his eyes again and shrugged, their violet colour looking bruised and tired as she tried to explain, clearly uncomfortable and embarrassed. "I like you James, I _really_ like you, and the way you make me feel scares me. I'm not used to feeling like this about people, and I guess I just got worried about how…attracted to you I was."

James felt himself smile and shook his head slowly, unable to believe that Shepard had retreated from him because she was nervous about _liking_ him. "So you started avoiding me because you're attracted to me?"

"Yes." She looked uncomfortable, but smiled hesitantly when she saw that he wasn't angry. "I know I'm an idiot and a coward..."

"Why do you keep saying that? You're not a coward." James grinned and leaned forward to gently cup her face, "You can be an idiot sometimes, but you're not a coward."

"Thanks." She glared at him playfully and rolled her eyes when he raised his eyebrows at her.

"Well, you have been a bit of an idiot. I mean, I dedicated six months on Earth to keeping you safe and I'd take a bullet for you in a heartbeat. Do you really think I'd do anything to hurt you?"

Shepard began to smile at his words and she bit her lip, "I know, but it doesn't change the fact that you make me feel…"

"Wild? Out of control?" James suggested with a smile, he knew that talking about this with him was a big step for Shepard and he wanted to keep things light. "I can throw a few words out there to describe how you make me feel if it will help?"

"Oh, I have a good idea of how you feel about me." Rennah grinned sleepily, his flirting seeming to settle her nerves. "Thank you, James."

James pulled her hand up to his lips and dropped a quick kiss on the back of her hand, his heart hammering in his chest at the way she was watching him. It had hurt him when he'd realised that Rennah was avoiding him and didn't want to be alone with him; it had made him feel like he'd done something wrong. After almost losing her, it was just a relief to know that the only reason she'd pulled away was because she was scared of how strongly she was attracted to him, in fact it was the best news he'd had in days.

"I thought you were going to die back on Sur'Kesh, Shepard." James traced a finger down her cheek and along her chin. "No matter what happens, I just want you to know that I'm going to be here for you…"

The door to the room opened and James and Shepard both pulled apart quickly; James pulling his hand back from her face and Rennah letting go of his hand guiltily as Kaidan walked into the room, his amber coloured eyes narrowing as he picked up on the tension between them. Of all the people who could have walked in, Kaidan was the one person who James had least wanted it to be. It was like the guy had some kind of alarm in his head that went off whenever he and Shepard got too close and he'd interrupt them with impeccable timing.

Today, it seemed, was no exception.

* * *

"Sorry, did I interrupt something?" Kaidan tried to look casual as he hesitated in the doorway, not in the least bit sorry that he'd walked in when he did.

The moment he'd seen Shepard embrace the young lieutenant on the Normandy as they'd left Earth, he'd known that there was something between them that was a little beyond the guard-prisoner relationship. He hadn't known what it was and had told himself that it was probably just friendship, but he'd let his thoughts linger on it and he'd become jealous despite his best intentions. It was ridiculous for him to feel this way since he was the one who'd chased Shepard away in the first place, but he hadn't been able to help it.

Living with Shepard's death for three years had been hard. The first few months had been especially nightmarish and every morning he'd woken up wishing that he'd disobeyed her orders and stayed alongside her. Maybe he could have saved her, or maybe he would have died with her. Either would have been preferable to him then the empty life he could see stretching ahead of him.

When Rennah had died he'd felt like his heart had been ripped out. He hadn't wanted to live. He'd wallowed in despair for months until Anderson had snapped him out of it and had started assigning him missions to take his mind off things. He'd resented the missions at first and had hated Anderson for forcing him back into the world, but in reality Anderson had probably saved his life.

When the rumours that Shepard was still alive had reached him, he hadn't known what to think. He had desperately wanted to believe she was alive, but deep down he'd known that if she was then that would mean that she'd left _him_ ; she couldn't have been back from the dead, because people didn't just come back from the dead. So, when she had shown up working for Cerberus he'd been crushed and convinced himself that it wasn't really her. It couldn't have been Shepard; it was a clone, a doppelganger, a body that only looked like Shepard, but was controlled by Cerberus, but it wasn't her.

Rennah Shepard was dead.

The woman he'd met on Horizon had looked like Rennah Shepard, but it hadn't been her. It couldn't have been. The woman he loved would never have worked for the same people who had killed her entire unit on Akuze; the same people who had tried to kill them on more than one occasion. He'd been angry to have something that looked like Shepard dangled in front of him, so he'd been cold and distant to her and he'd walked away without a backwards glance.

He'd waited for news that it _wasn't_ Commander Shepard that Cerberus had brought back, he'd waited to hear that she had betrayed the Alliance or that she'd been discovered to be a clone or an android. But the news had never come. As the months had gone on and Shepard destroyed the Collector Base, betrayed the Illusive Man and had run from Cerberus, he'd started to doubt himself; what if it had been Shepard? What if he'd been cold and cruel to the only woman he'd ever loved?

The doubts had almost been enough to drive him mad, so he'd buried himself in his work and had tried to put the idea of Shepard out of his head, but he couldn't stop thinking about her. Seeing her on Earth had made him realise how badly he'd missed her and had driven home how angry she was at him for the way he'd treated her. He couldn't blame her either. He'd been a fool and since waking up in Huerta he'd been in damage control; desperately trying to find a way to fix what he'd done to his relationship with Shepard.

He still loved her; he'd never stopped…

"No, it's fine." Lieutenant Vega's voice pulled him from his thoughts and he looked up to see the younger man grin at him affably before glancing back down at Shepard with a look that Kaidan couldn't quite catch, "I'll let you two chat."

"You're leaving?" Shepard sat up slightly in her bed and frowned at Vega as he made to leave.

"You're only allowed one visitor at a time and I've been in here for a few hours." He shrugged and stretched, "Besides I haven't slept in a while. I'll come by again tomorrow morning and see how you're doing."

"Thanks Jimmy." Rennah caught his hand and squeezed it. "I owe you my life."

_Jimmy?_

Kaidan squashed his jealousy down at the sight of that casual touch and forced a smile to his face as Vega walked towards him, nodding to him pleasantly as he left. He waited until James had closed the door before he crossed the room, running his concerned gaze over Shepard and trying not to think about what could have happened to her if the surgery had gone wrong. Did she even know how close she'd come to being seriously injured?

"How are you feeling?" He sat down in the chair that Vega had vacated, hating the way that Shepard watched him with eyes that were wary and distant. He missed the teasing light that used to shine in them when she looked at him and the way she used to do that silly half-smile whenever she caught him watching her.

She shrugged and touched a hand to her head, "About as good as can be expected considering that someone has been fiddling around in my head."

"Yeah, that's never pleasant." Kaidan reached for her hand and held it lightly in his, wondering if he'd imagined her slight inhalation as he did so, as though she was taken aback. "You look good though."

"Ha! I'm sure I'm the height of fashion with my fancy head wear." She let her other hand fall away from her head and smiled, one of the first smiles she'd given him since they'd met up again on Earth.

God, he'd missed that smile.

"So Cerberus did this to you, huh?" He regretted the words as soon as they were out of his mouth and he saw Shepard's gaze focus sharply on him, her eyes narrowing as though she anticipated more of his Cerberus accusations.

" _Kaidan_ …"

He squeezed her hand and tried to sound reassuring, "I'm worried about why they might be after you, Ren. I'm not accusing you of anything, I swear."

She sighed and pulled her hand from his, straightening the blankets around her absently, "Yes, they tried to capture me, and no, I don't know why they did. Probably not for any good reason since I stole the Illusive Man's ship and betrayed him."

"I don't think Cerberus does anything for good reasons these days, not if the reports I've been seeing are accurate." Kaidan loosely clasped his hands in his lap and ignored the way Shepard kept glancing at the door to her room, as though hoping someone would come in and interrupt them.

"They've always been assholes, but at least they brought me back and helped me stop the Collectors before they became complete _fucking_ assholes." She glanced at the door again and Kaidan felt a small frisson of annoyance slide through him.

He wanted things to go back to the way they had been before she'd died, but he didn't have a clue about how to make it happen when she was still so angry at him. He was getting nothing less than what he deserved after the way he'd questioned her loyalty when he should have trusted her, but he really hadn't been able to help himself. It had destroyed him to lose her and if he'd gone with Shepard when she'd approached him on Horizon and she had turned out to be a Cerberus puppet…well…he wasn't sure if he'd have been able to recover from losing her again.

He didn't know how to explain his behaviour to Shepard though, especially when she was so bitterly angry with him. In his head, Shepard had always been his; even when she'd been dead and even when she'd been with Cerberus, he'd still thought of her as being his girlfriend. It had been a nasty shock to be back with her on the Normandy and realise how much she disliked him now. All because he'd been too scared to risk trusting her again.

"So, I was thinking that when you got out of here maybe we could crack open that whiskey you got me?" Kaidan gave Shepard a charming smile that froze slightly around the edges as she stared at him for several long moments before slowly shaking her head and answering.

"I'm not sure if that's a good idea..."

He sighed at the reluctance in her tone, "Why not? We used to have a great time together."

_Why couldn't she just trust that he wasn't going to let her down again?_

"That was a long time ago," She focused her intense amethyst coloured eyes on him and the look in them so heartbreakingly sad that Kaidan wanted to do whatever he could to take that sadness away. "Neither one of us is the same person anymore."

He shook his head in denial and tried again, "Shepard, I want to fix this…"

Her eyes flashed and the sadness was instantly replaced by something hard and unforgiving, "Kaidan, you left me!" She jabbed a finger at him, her tone bitter and harsh. "You can't just act like Horizon never happened!"

"I'm not trying to pretend it didn't happen. I know I stuffed up! I know I hurt you and I'm sorry! But I made a mistake!" He caught the hand that she had pointed at him with and held it tightly, his expressive brown eyes holding her gaze. "Why are you being like this? Is it because of Lieutenant Vega?"

Her eyes widened and she tugged her hand free again, her face going a shade paler. "That's none of your business!"

_Shit!_

He shouldn't have brought up her pet lieutenant, but at least now his suspicions had been confirmed; Shepard's reaction when he'd mentioned Vega's name had given more away than she'd probably wanted. Even if nothing was going on between them yet, it was clear to Kaidan that Rennah liked the younger man a great deal, and he'd had seen the way James watched her. They were enamoured with each other and if he wasn't careful he was going to lose Shepard all over again.

"Rennah, I love you, and I'm sorry that I hurt you." Kaidan wanted to take her hand again, or to pull her into a hug, but he knew she wouldn't stand for it. "Can't you find it in your heart to forgive me?"

"No." She ran a hand over her face and shook her head, "I can't do it."

"Why not? I'm not going to doubt you again…" He could feel frustration simmering inside of him, irrationally irritated that Shepard was shutting him down so coldly, and without hearing him out.

"I said no!" Rennah gritted her teeth and then looked at him again with eyes that were angry and sad and hurt, "Don't you understand?" Her breath hitched and she continued in a voice so quiet he almost didn't catch it. "I needed you and you let me down."

"Ren, I'm so sorry." Kaidan reached for her hands, but she pulled away again and shook her head.

Her eyes filled with tears and they glittered under the harsh hospital lights as she looked away, embarrassed, suddenly looking so much like the old Rennah that his heart ached, "You killed more of me than the Collectors ever did…"

The words fell heavily into the room like a stone into a pond; filled with so much emotional weight that Kaidan could almost see them sinking to the floor. "Rennah please, I'm so sorry."

"Just go." She continued look away from him and her voice was a strained whisper as she held back her tears.

_He'd never seen her cry before…_

"Okay." Kaidan spoke softly and he stood up carefully, gently patting her shoulder and ignoring the way she stiffened under his touch, "I'll leave but I'm going to make up for what I did." He crossed the room, and tried not to let himself sink into the depression that was lingering at the edges of his mind. "I love you, Shepard."

Silence was the only reply he got.

* * *

**A/N – Oh Kaidan…I feel so bad for him right now. Oh well, this is the Jimmy Vega show after all! Let me know what you thought!**


	16. I've Come To Realise

_Disclaimer: I don't own Mass Effect_

**A/N – A big thank you to the people who reviewed – I really do appreciate the time you take to write a review and give me feedback!**

**This chapter was supposed to have Jack in it, but the chapter got too long, so I cut Jack out and will leave that for the next chapter. This is going to have a little Kasumi and Thane in it - Thane does call Shepard 'Siha' in it even though they never had a relationship, because he does in the game I thought he always seemed a bit fond of her. This chapter is also going to have a bit of heat between James and Shepard. Enjoy!**

* * *

"Sorry, but we're in lockdown and no one's getting in." The turian C-Sec guard looked James and Garrus up and down with a decidedly antagonistic glint in his eye, as though hoping they would argue with him. "If you have an emergency you can go to the clinic on Zakera Ward, otherwise please stand aside." The officer waved a hand at them dismissively and turned away, far more interested in watching a female turian nurse who was being questioned nearby.

Huerta Memorial Hospital was in lockdown, which was worrying because C-Sec didn't lock down buildings unless something serious had happened, especially something as important as a hospital. It also made the seemingly harmless omni-tool message from Shepard asking them to come down and sign her out so she could leave, seem a little more ominous. Shepard hadn't sounded unwell in the message, in fact her voice had been downright amused, but James had noticed a lot of shouting and background noise.

"Look, we were called down here by _Commander Shepard_ , the human Spectre, and I don't think she'd like to be kept waiting." Garrus spoke before James could, which was probably good since the turian was ex C-Sec and at least knew how to talk to the officer. "If _you_ don't have the authority to clear us and let us in, perhaps speak to Commander Bailey and get clearance?"

The guard narrowed his eyes at Garrus' bored drawling tone, but he stood a little straighter and looked at them with more interest when they mentioned Shepard's name. Whether it was because she was a Spectre, or because they knew she was in hospital was unclear, but at least they had his attention. The officer opened his omni-tool and turned around to speak quietly into it, nodding quickly and turning around smartly as he closed the line.

"Commander Bailey says you're authorised to come in, but we need to do an ID check first and you need to speak to him before you try to see Commander Shepard." The guard motioned for them to step forward, his behaviour slightly less disrespectful now that his CO had authorised their entrance.

After subjecting both of them to a thorough identity scan and verifying that they were part of the Normandy crew, he let them in, officious to the last second. Garrus led the way towards Shepard's room where even more C-Sec officers were gathered and the twinge of worry began to blossom into alarm when he saw that the door to Shepard's room was locked. The officers seemed to be standing guard outside of her room and keeping an eye on a doctor was lying restrained and unconscious on the floor.

_Had something happened to Shepard?_

The air was alive with conversation as C-Sec officers questioned the staff and patients in the waiting room, and James saw Commander Bailey with two people who had been segregated from the others. From this distance they were hard to make out, but it looked like a drell and a human woman who had a dark hood obscuring her features. Bailey was currently questioning the drell, who was looking remarkably calm and answering his questions easily, while the woman, who James thought might be Japanese, had a fake and decidedly shifty smile on her face.

There was something incredibly familiar about the woman and James was struck by the feeling that he had seen her somewhere before, although for the life of him he couldn't think where. She glanced at him without warning and her face broke into a brief amused grin before she winked at him and looked back at Bailey, who had directed a question to her. She answered briefly and grinned wider as she pointed at James and Garrus as though she knew Bailey wanted to speak with them.

"Garrus! Lieutenant Vega!" Commander Bailey saw them and waved for them to approach, a data pad in his hand as he took down notes, "Shepard told me I could expect to see you."

"What happened?" James glanced around, "Is she okay?"

"See?" He heard the Japanese woman whisper to the drell, loudly enough that he was certain she meant for him to hear her, "I told you he was very protective."

"Shepard's fine." Bailey ignored the whisper and gestured at the drell and the woman as he continued, "A Cerberus agent was posing as a doctor and tried to get in to see Shepard. He was trying to inject her with this." He held up a syringe with a pale orange liquid inside and then stashed it back in an evidence bag. "Thankfully one of the patients at the hospital and a visitor happened to be nearby and apprehended the doctor, although I'm still a little fuzzy on how they _knew_ he wasn't a doctor." Bailey looked back at the duo suspiciously.

The Japanese woman and the drell exchanged a look and the drell spoke up, "I've already told you that I'm a patient here, Commander Bailey, and I know every member of staff. This man," He gestured at the unconscious Cerberus agent, "is not a staff member."

"Uh huh." The C-Sec Commander shook his head slowly and his eyes narrowed, "And I'm supposed to believe that you can remember _every single person_ who works in the hospital?"

"Of course, I'm a drell. We have a perfect memory." The darkly dressed drell turned his black eyes on James, and he felt certain that he was studying him.

Garrus shifted beside him, and James saw him try unsuccessfully to his turian smile, "He's telling the truth, Commander. I worked with a drell once and they _do_ remember each memory perfectly."

 _They know each other,_ James realised with surprise. Whoever the drell and the Japanese woman were, Garrus knew them and he was playing along with their story. Neither of them _looked_ like they belonged in the hospital, although the drell was coughing occasionally and didn't seem well. The woman though, whoever she was, looked like she was dressed for some kind of ninja party and James could understand why Bailey was having a hard time buying her story.

"I saw the doctor hiding the needle in his sleeve and realised he was up to no good." The Japanese woman spoke up with a mock-serious voice, as though this was all a big joke to her, and again James was struck by the feeling that he knew her. "Really, you're lucky that we were here to stop him. It was irresponsible of C-Sec not to post guards here when they knew Cerberus was after Shepard." Her tone was slightly berating and the Commander glared at her.

Bailey sighed and shook his head, "I'm still not buying it, but Commander Shepard has vouched for both of you. In fact she wants to thank you personally for saving her life." He ushered them towards Shepard's room where they were allowed inside, before he returned to James and Garrus. "Now, given the circumstances surrounding this attack, the hospital is willing to discharge Shepard into Chakwas care. You're free to sign her out and take her back to the Normandy as soon as you can. I'm sure she'll be pleased to get the hell out of here and I'll be glad to get this headache off my hands."

Garrus nodded, "Of course, Commander. We'll speak to Shepard now and take care of everything."

"You do that." Bailey looked like he wanted to say more, but he closed his mouth with a snap and shook his head again as he walked away.

James followed Garrus' lead and waited politely as Bailey collected his men, the unconscious doctor and left the ICU area of the hospital, and then they made their way to Shepard's room. He still couldn't work out where he'd seen that Japanese woman before. He thought maybe it might have been on Earth, but he couldn't place her face or put a name to it, so it was possible she was someone who he had only seen in passing.

They reached her room and went in, but James came to a stop so abruptly that Garrus almost walked into him. The casual and cosy scene inside the room was so unexpected that he felt like he'd wandered into another dimension; Shepard was sitting cross legged on the bed with the Japanese woman sitting alongside of her and both of them chatting and laughing. The drell was leaning again the window with an indulgent smile on his face as though seeing Shepard smile and laugh was pleasing to him.

Garrus strode in behind him and walked straight up to the drell, shaking his hand and clapping him on the shoulder, "Thane! I should have known you'd have Shepard's back while she was in here."

"Of course, Garrus." The drell smiled and then politely coughed to one side, his breathing slightly irregular as he spoke, "I made it my priority to ensure Shepard's safety while she was in here. I thought it likely that Cerberus would try again."

James felt a hand tap his shoulder and he turned back to see Shepard grinning at him as she kneeled on the bed so she could reach him. The Japanese woman smiled almost as broadly as Shepard when he dropped into a chair to avoid towering over them. Shepard looked much better today, he mused, and she clearly knew she was leaving as she was dressed in her BDUs and already had her boots on, although they were only half laced up. Her eyes were a bright and vibrant shade of purple as gleamed up at him and her skin had lost that sickly sallow colour that it had been for the past few days.

"James Vega, I'd like you to meet Kasumi Goto." Shepard grinned and flopped back onto the bed, her grin letting him know that _something_ was amusing her about this. "Kasumi helped me take down the Collectors, and she's one of my best friends."

_One of Shepard's friends?_

"It's nice to finally meet you properly, James." Kasumi held up a rather petite hand, which he shook, surprised at the strength in her grip; there was clearly more to her than met the eye.

He knew that Shepard counted her squad as he friends and family, but this was the first person that he'd actually heard her refer to someone as a friend. The way that Rennah was sitting on the bed with Kasumi, with her legs curled under her comfortably, was so girly and unlike her that James was having a hard time tearing his eyes away. He'd never seen Shepard relax like this around anyone else; it was nice to see that under all her tough armour and fear of relationships that she had people who she counted as real friends.

It gave him hope.

"And this is Thane Krios, who also came along on our little suicide mission through the Omega Relay." Rennah gestured at the Drell, who extended a long fingered hand to James.

"It's a pleasure to meet you, Mr. Vega. Kasumi has spoken at length about the skill and bravery you demonstrated as you kept Shepard safe on Earth…" The drell's voice petered out as both Shepard and Kasumi gestured frantically for him to stop.

"Wait…you were on Earth?" James turned back to look at Shepard and Kasumi through narrowed eyes, "You do seem familiar..."

And uncomfortable silence stretched until Rennah finally broke it, "Oh, tell him Kasumi!" She ignored James' suspicious narrow eyed stare and elbowed her friend in the ribs, "It's not like he's my guard anymore."

James looked from Shepard to Kasumi, "Tell me what?"

"I _may_ have come to see Shep once or twice while she was under house arrest." Kasumi smiled at him innocently, but the sparkle in her eyes hinted that there was a little more to her story than she was letting on.

"Shepard wasn't allowed visitors." James crossed his arms over his chest and felt a small pull of amusement that Shepard watched the muscle bunch across his chest and shoulders with a helpless look on her face.

"I _may_ have snuck in." Kasumi added, drawing his attention back to her as she tapped out a code on her omni-tool, instantly cloaking and vanishing from view. A moment later she reappeared and was standing beside him with a smirk on her face. "I'm really not big on following _rules_ , although I was always very careful to maintain your security protocols."

James blinked as Kasumi leaned back against the bed, abruptly wondering how often she'd wandered around the compound where he'd been guarding Shepard…and what she'd _seen_. Sometimes when he'd been exercising or alone in his room he could have sworn he'd heard things and sometimes his skin had crawled as though someone had been watching him. It was nerve racking to think that she'd been lurking around the compound watching them all completely unseen.

"K.G." He sat up straighter as he realised what her initials were, the mystery of the flowers in Shepard's hospital room suddenly solved. "You left Shepard those flowers in the hospital!" He turned to glare at Shepard, "And you _knew_!"

"Well, I didn't want to get Kasumi in any trouble." Rennah had the grace to look a little embarrassed and she shrugged, "Sorry, but she was the only friend I had left."

James shook his head, annoyed that even though he knew he should be angry at Shepard for her deception, he was finding it impossible. She _had_ been lonely and bored on Earth and he'd seen for himself how miserable she'd been and the lengths she'd gone through to entertain herself. Besides, it was hard to stay mad at Rennah when she looked so adorable curled up on the bed, watching him with those haunting eyes.

"Fine." He muttered gruffly, tearing his eyes away from Shepard and standing up, "The hospital is releasing you into Chakwas care on the Normandy…"

"You mean they're throwing me out." Shepard slid to the edge of the bed and slowly got to her feet, taking the hand that James held out to steady her, her fingers warm and pleasant as they briefly curled around his.

He picked up the bag that he'd brought in for her only a few days early and shrugged, "Well, you do seem to attract Cerberus at the moment and at least the Normandy is secure."

"True." Shepard turned to face her friends, "I don't suppose I can convince either one of you to come with me? I could use the help."

Thane shook his head and held out a hand to Rennah, "No, my condition had progressed too far. I require constant medical attention and would only burden you. I wish you all the best though, Siha."

Shepard smiled at the nickname, "Are you ever going to tell me what that means?"

"One day, perhaps." Thane shook her hand warmly and then stood back, his eyes flicking between James and Shepard.

Kasumi was far less decorous and threw her arms around Shepard, "I wish I could come with you Shep, but…"

"But the last time I almost got you killed. Yeah, yeah, I know." Shepard hugged her friend tightly, her eyes closed as she wrapped her arms around the petite Japanese woman.

 _She must have really missed her friends on Earth_ , James thought as he watched them embrace, the hug so tight and going on for so long that he wondered if Kasumi would change her mind and come along. But eventually they pulled apart and Shepard took Kasumi by the shoulders, gently holding her in place as she spoke to her quietly.

"You make sure you stay out of trouble!" Her eyes were stern as she added, "And remember your promise to help out with the Crucible project."

Kasumi shook Shepard's hands off like a small child wriggling out of their mother's grasp, "Relax, Shep! I'll do my part. You just take care of yourself and enjoy hanging out with the _cutie pie_." Kasumi turned her decidedly luminous eyes on James, and he flushed slightly as he realised Kasumi was speaking about _him_.

Shepard laughed as they all left the room, the lingering C-Sec officers watching them suspiciously as they came through the door. James was curious as to how it was that someone as angry and guarded as Shepard had managed to become friends with someone as free-spirited as Kasumi. They seemed a very strange mix, but it was clear to him that Kasumi was good for Shepard; he'd never seen her relax and let down her walls like this before.

Besides, Kasumi had saved Shepard from another Cerberus attack, so she was okay in James' book; even if she had been sneaking around and spying on him back on Earth.

* * *

"James?" Shepard's voice sounded over Vega's omni-tool as he exercised and he carefully lowered the weights he'd been using back to the ground, his muscles protesting. "You shave your head yourself, right? I mean, you have your own set of electric clippers? For hair?"

"Uh, yeah." James sat up on the weight bench and opened up the visual, surprised to see a flustered looking Shepard staring back at him, "Why, Lola? You think of shaving your hair off?"

He hoped not.

Her hair was so long and lovely that it would have been criminal to cut it off; not that he'd have a problem if she did, it was just that he _liked_ her long hair. He grabbed a towel from the ground next to him and wiped some sweat off as Shepard grumpily lifted her hair and turned her head this way and that, letting him see that half of her head from the ear down was shaved in an undercut where they'd done the implant surgery, and the other side was normal.

"I look like a freak." She slumped forward dejectedly and sighed, "If it's not asking too much could you come up with your clippers and help me even out this mess? You have more experience with this than I do."

"I've never done someone else before, Commander. You might end up bald." James joked as he tossed the towel aside and picked up his shirt as he talked. "But if you don't mind me being all sweaty I can come up now and help you out."

"I don't mind you being sweaty." Shepard unsuccessfully tried to hide her smirk, "Yeah, come up and we'll try to fix this up together."

She ended the connection and James pulled his shirt on, absurdly pleased at the way she'd lumped them both in with the word 'together'. He was slightly hesitant to try and help her fix up the undercut on her hair, especially as he'd never used his clippers on someone with long hair before, but the idea of getting to be close to Rennah again was too tempting to resist. It would be nice to spend some one on one time with her out of the hospital.

He pulled his clipper case out from under his work bench and caught the elevator up to her cabin, trying to ignore the roll of eagerness that swept over him in a prickling rush at the thought of being alone with her again. The elevator doors slid open and he saw that the door light was green and without giving himself time to hesitate he went in. The cabin hadn't changed much from the last time he'd been up here, although her desk was covered in data pads and her bed was rumpled as though she'd been lying on it.

"Shepard?" He glanced around and almost jumped when she stood up from the lounge where she'd been sitting, hidden from view by her desk.

"Hey Jimmy." She padded towards him, barefoot with only a pair of exercise sweatpants and an N7 exercise top that clung to her breasts and left her mid-drift bare.

James felt his stomach contract at the sight of that toned midsection, and he was thankful for his loose workout gear as he felt other parts of his body react. There was something about seeing her dressed so casually that always drove him wild. Sure, he liked seeing her all geared up in her armour like a warrior woman, but _this_ was the Shepard he'd grown to appreciate on Earth.

As she came towards him, James wondered if she had any idea of the effect she had on him.

He cleared his throat and tried to focus himself on the reason why he was here, "So, where'd did you want me to do you?"

Shepard paused and raised her eyebrows, amusement flicking over her face, "Do me?"

"Oh shit, I meant your hair, Lola." James stumbled over his words and blushed as Shepard laughed and pointed him towards the bathroom.

"In there, Romeo." She brushed past him with the smile still on her face and led the way in, "Should I bring a chair or something? Or is it easier for you to do me while I'm standing?"

James grinned at her flirty reference to his earlier gaffe, and considered how tall Shepard was before he grabbed the chair from her desk and dragged it in, "Take a seat, this is going to get messy unless you want to put a towel around your shoulders or something."

"I don't mind getting messy." She quipped playfully as she moved around in front of the seat, her eyes twinkling at him.

Despite her comment, Rennah took a towel from the towel rack and slid into the seat as she wrapped it around he shoulders. She glanced up at him in the mirror and watched as he took the clippers out and looked down at her hair. She'd tied half of her hair up in a tight pony tail bun, and James guessed that the hair that she'd left out was the hair that she wanted shaved off.

Even though she was the one who had called him up here she seemed nervous and her eyes followed his movements as he tested the clippers and then added a few drops of oil to the blades so they'd cut a little more smoothly; he didn't want to cut her by mistake.

"You got scissors, Lola?" He held a few locks of her hair in his hands and trailed his fingers through the silky strands, the feel of her soft hair in his calloused hands was almost enough to make him back out of doing this. "Your hair's pretty long. It might be easier if I trim it down short first, and then shave it."

"Yeah sure." She reached across and opened a drawer in the bathroom cabinet she was sitting in front of. James caught a glimpse of her slim hands riffling through shower gels, soaps and lotions before Rennah found her scissors and she pulled them out, handing them to him handle first.

He held the scissors loosely and glanced down at her head, the doctors had shaved a large patch on the left and back of her head, from about ear level across. It was a neat job, but it did look an awful lot like she'd gone to get an undercut and had left before the hairdresser had finished. The scar from her surgery had knitted nicely, but was still fresh and pink, and the newly replaced amp port gleamed silver at him.

He hesitated with the scissors in his hand and looked down at her one last time, "Now, are you absolutely sure about this?"

"I'm sure." Shepard drew in a shaky breath, "Besides, if I hate it, my hair will grow back eventually."

"You're the boss."

He trimmed her long dark hair down until it sat about an inch from her scalp and then he handed the scissors back to Rennah and used his clippers to shave the rest of the hair off. The patch the doctors had shaved for the operation was much larger than what he needed to shave, so it didn't take him long to do the right side and even everything out. When he was done he set the clippers down on the edge of the bench and began brushing the hair off the back of Shepard's head and neck. As he did, his hand lightly brushed lightly against her amp port and Shepard jumped, drawing in a sharp breath as though in pain.

"You okay?" He set his hands on her shoulders and was surprised to see that goose bumps had spread over her skin, he glanced at her face in the mirror and saw her blink quickly and take a deep breath as though to settle herself.

"My port is…sensitive." She bit her lower lip and glanced away, shifting in her seat and avoiding his eyes. "I'm not used to other people touching it."

Guilt wriggled through him and he tightened his grip on her shoulders, "Sorry, Commander. I didn't mean to hurt you."

Shepard paused before she finally looked at him in the mirror, her eyes dark and not pained in the least. "It didn't hurt, James. It's just _sensitive_."

The look she gave him was weighted and meaningful and James loosened his grip on her shoulders as he finally understood what she was saying, feeling like he'd encroached on something personal. All biotics had amp ports that were plugged into their implants and their nervous system, so it shouldn't have surprised him that even brushing against the port would have had an effect. He just hadn't expected that it would be a pleasurable sensation, and especially not one that had such an immediate effect.

"Do all biotics react like this?" He asked softly, his curiosity getting the better of him.

Shepard shook her head slowly and stood up, moving the chair from between them and unwrapping the towel from around her shoulders. She hesitated as she faced the mirror again and their reflected eyes met, a strange buzzing sensation filling the air as Rennah stepped back a little and James became aware of how little space there was between them. Barely an inch between his chest from her back, and James could feel the heat radiating from her body; her skin was always hot to the touch. As they stared deeply into each other's eyes James saw her swallow as she slowly leaned back, until her back was resting lightly against his chest.

He could see the invitation in her eyes as she stared at him and the energy that pulsed between their bodies was electric. This was what he'd been wanting for so long but had never dared to dream would happen; Shepard making a move on _him_ and not the other way around. It was so unexpected and exciting that he almost didn't want to move and ruin the moment.

"Most human biotics find it very…invasive to have their ports touched." She turned her head slightly and let the back of her head rest against his shoulder, and James slowly slid an arm around her waist so he could pull her more firmly against his chest. "For some people it's intensely painful, for others it's deeply unpleasant," Her voice dropped to a low purr and Rennah slid one of her hands along the arm he had around her waist, trailing her nails against his skin, "and for people like me it's _stimulating_ …"

James couldn't take it anymore; the feel of her body pressed against his, the sultry tone in her voice and the sexy scratch of her nails along his skin broke his control. He tightened his arm around her waist and pulled her into a much more intimate contact with his body, her soft curves grinding against his hard muscles. Shepard whimpered in approval, a sexy feminine sound, as he pressed his mouth against the side of her neck, kissing the soft skin and dragging his stubbled chin along her neck as his free hand found one of her toned thighs and began to slide upwards.

They stumbled backwards and James felt his back hit the wall of the shower behind them. He was momentarily concerned that they would slip and he braced his legs securely on the floor and kept his arm tightly around her waist, but they stayed upright. Shepard pushed urgently against him and he kissed the side of her neck again and gently bit her, the pressure of his teeth seeming to drive her wild as she moaned and panted. Her legs gave way and she sagged against him, relying on his strength to hold her upright as she twisted her head sideways and pressed her lips to his, kissing him wildly and violently. It was madly exciting and James could feel adrenaline surging through him as he held Shepard in his arms as she writhed in pleasure.

Both of them were slaves to the passion between them and they were swept away in a wave of feeling, touching, wanting, biting and kissing. At some point Shepard had twisted around in his arms to face him and James lifted her up, groaning as she wrapped her legs around his waist; arching her back in pleasure as he rained kisses down her neck and chest. He caught her hands in his and pressed them against the wall, driving his tongue deep in his mouth as he kissed her. He wanted to pin her against the wall and take her here; to hear those little cries of ecstasy echoing around the bathroom as he…

"Commander?" EDI's voice sounded over the coms and Shepard froze in his arms, her heart hammering so hard against her chest that James could feel it. "Commander Shepard? Special Traynor needs to speak to you urgently at the CIC."

There was silence for a few moments while Shepard found her voice and caught her breath, "Tell her to give me a few minutes, EDI."

Shepard's voice was surprisingly normal sounding as she set her feet back on the floor and pulled out of his embrace, James tactfully let his arm slide from around her waist without comment. He tried to calm his own racing heart and focus his thoughts, but it was hard when his body was still aching with unfulfilled desire. Rennah turned to face him; her skin was flushed and he could see the same tell-tale ache of frustration in her features.

She drew in a deep breath and took a step back from him, wrapping her arms around her as though she was suddenly cold. "I have to go."

"I know." James nodded and followed Shepard out of the bathroom, pausing near her desk and catching her gaze as his body screamed at him to take her in his arms again. "I guess I should go…"

"Yeah." She nodded quickly and turned away from him, quickly crossing the room to a storage compartment and pulling out a set of BDUs which she tossed onto her bed.

Silence fell between them, an ugly awkward silence that reminded James all too much of the silence he'd got from Shepard on the journey to Sur'Kesh, and he quickly stepped forward; wanting to justify the passion that had almost consumed them both before she retreated from him again. "For the record, Lola, I didn't come here planning to seduce you."

Rennah looked up at him in surprise, her eyes amused as she let out a small chuckle, "God, I know that that, James. I mean, what happened just then was because of me! I was the one who made the first move, so don't worry about me trying to pin it on you…I'm just finding it a little hard to think." She let her hair out of the pony tail, and it fell to her shoulders in a wave as she ran her hands through it and shrugged at him as she shivered. "I'm not normally the kind of girl that does one night stands." Her gaze darkened and she looked away, "At least not these days. I guess that's why I got scared before Sur'Kesh."

Scaring her away was the last thing James wanted to do, so there was only one thing for it, "Well, we can take a step back and maybe slow it down a little. I don't normally do things like that either."

Shepard smiled hesitantly, and nodded her head in agreement as though she'd been thinking the same thing, "I think that would be best." She took a deep breath and came towards him, going up on tiptoe and kissing him lightly on the check, "How about dinner when we're next on the Citadel?"

"It's a date." James nodded, trying to ignore the ridiculous hammer in his chest as though he'd just won a fight. He started towards the door and then paused, "Oh, and your hair looks great."

He saw Shepard raise a hand halfway to her hair before she grinned and went back to the bed, picking up her BDU. He turned back, but felt her eyes on him all the way out the door, somehow resisting the urge to glance back at her. As wonderful as it had been to have her in his arms and as painful as it had been to have EDI interrupt them, he still felt like things had ended up in a pretty good place tonight.

Although he _was_ in desperate need of a very cold shower…

* * *

**A/N – That was fun! :D**


	17. Time Has A Way

_Disclaimer: I still don't own Mass Effect…maybe tomorrow…_

**A/N – Thank you to the lovely readers who left me reviews for the last chapter! Spacecats, Jules Hawke, TLCinbflo, Simone TRH, Blausen, Candle in the Night, Sita, Dreamingofsiha & Neopilotoo. You guys are lovely for giving me feedback and bringing a smile to my face!**

* * *

"Why wasn't I told about this sooner, Traynor?" Shepard leaned against the side of the galaxy map and frowned at the display screen that was showing the location of Grissom Academy, "Cerberus attacking a biotic school is fairly ominous given what happened to me on Sur'Kesh."

"Oh, I agree completely, Commander." Traynor flushed pink and gestured at her terminal with a petite hand, "The thing is, I wasn't entirely sure what I had until EDI and I looked a little more closely at the turian ship signal and realised it was fake."

Rennah nodded and shifted her weight as she rubbed the back her neck; her amp port was still tingling and she was finding it hard to concentrate because of the lingering ache in her body. She really wasn't the kind of person who had one night stands or fell into bed at the drop of a hat, but it had been a while since she'd been intimate with someone and after she and James' little tryst in the bathroom she was feeling frustrated. James was a temptation that she was finding harder and harder to resist, and her usual self-control seemed to be letting her down.

"Right, good job Traynor." Shepard made herself focus and pushed away from galaxy map, clapping Traynor on the shoulder. "This was excellent work, and if this is Cerberus then we'll stop the bastards."

Traynor flushed even pinker and straightened proudly as she turned back to her console, "Thank you, ma'am."

Rennah nodded and strode towards the bridge, her boots thudding solidly against the gangway as she wove around soldiers working at the CIC. A chance to beat Cerberus at their own game and to maybe find out what they were up to and why they were interested in biotics was too good to pass up. Besides, fighting was what she was good at and her pride had taken a serious hit when Cerberus had pinned her down and sabotaged her implant, and she was itching for a little payback.

"Did you catch that, Joker?" She asked as opened the door to the bridge and went in, trying not to stare too much at EDI since the AI undoubtedly knew precisely what she'd been interrupting earlier.

"Sure did, Commander, I'm plotting a course for Grissom Academy now." Joker's hands flew across the controls, his movements fast, graceful and completely in control. "ETA approximately two hours."

"Thanks." She nodded at the pilot even though he was focused on the console and wouldn't see her.

"Shepard?" EDI stood up, her head tilted quizzically to the side and she stared at Shepard innocently, "I have a question about the human behaviour which I monitored in your room earlier…"

"Whoa, EDI!" Joker put his hands up and interjected before Shepard could react, as though he'd had to stop her from inappropriate conversations on other occasions. He twisted carefully in his seat to give the gynoid a stern look, "I don't think Shepard wants me to hear about what she's doing up there in her room."

Shepard nodded quickly, aware that Joker had helped her dodge a hideously embarrassing bullet, "Yeah, _not_ a conversation for public, EDI. Let's talk in private."

"Of course, Shepard." EDI followed Shepard as she led the way out of the bridge and closed the door behind her, her footsteps echoing Shepard's metallically as they stepped into the long corridor.

The corridor was thankfully deserted and although Shepard could see almost a dozen people working at the CIC, the noise of the ship and the officer's chatter as they worked was loud enough that she knew they wouldn't be heard. She should have guessed that EDI would hit her with a question like this; the AI was relentless in her quest to learn more about 'being human' and her drive for knowledge had only increased since she'd acquired her new body.

EDI tilted her head again and watched Shepard with interest, "I apologise if I caused offense; that was _not_ my intention."

Shepard _almost_ believed her, but EDI had proven herself to be far more astute and aware of human emotions than anyone, even Jeff, had given her credit for. Yes, she was an unshackled AI and was still learning and developing day by day, but she learned damned fast! Her acquisition of her new feminine body, her constant questions about human emotions and her curious attraction to Joker were all signs that EDI knew precisely what she wanted and was going after it with a vengeance.

Rennah rubbed at her temples and sighed, "Look EDI, I know you're the Normandy and you see and hear everything that goes on, but you can't bring this sort of stuff up like this. It's _private_." She kept her gaze trained on the gynoid levelly as she spoke, painfully aware that there was nothing she could do to stop EDI from talking about whatever she wanted with whoever she liked. The only thing that seemed to stop her was that she considered Shepard to be her friend, and this friendship seemed to mean a lot to the AI.

"Many other crew members already speculate on your love life, Shepard." EDI smiled slightly as spoke and for a moment Shepard was sure that she saw a gleam of amusement in her eyes. "One of the officers who guards the war room is convinced you are having an affair with Admiral Anderson, while Jeff has been speculating that you are going to be reuniting with Major Alenko…"

"Enough, EDI!" Shepard turned away in exasperation and let her eyes skim over the room as she looked for something of interest to focus on other than the painfully uncomfortable conversation EDI seemed to want to press on her. "Gossip is normal, but you know my rules about privacy! You can't talk about this sort of stuff with anyone! Not even with Joker!"

"Nor would I. My question was simply about the best way to encourage physical intimacy."

Rennah glanced back at EDI and blinked in shock; she'd assumed that she was going to ask her about her relationship with Vega, since that was how she had brought the conversation up, but instead it seemed the AI wanted a sex education lesson.

Shepard wasn't sure what which was more awkward.

"Oh, I'm not really sure." She answered hesitantly, thrown by the question and momentarily struggling to think of something practical to say. "Spending time alone together is a good way and I guess showing interest in the other person." Shepard shrugged awkwardly as she tried to think of what she'd done with the people that she'd been with. Granted, over the past few years she had really only been with Kaidan and now with James, but when she'd been younger she'd had no trouble picking up when she'd wanted company. "I suppose," She reluctantly added, "You just need to make sure that they know that you're interested in them and that you want to be physically intimate with them. Playing coy and flirting only gets you so far, sooner or later you have to take that step and let the other person know that you want them."

"I see." EDI nodded slowly, her metallic skin glinting prettily under the corridor lighting, "Thank you, Shepard. You've been most helpful."

Shepard watched EDI walk back to the cockpit with her decided sexy hip-swinging stride, wondering if she'd just made things harder or easier on Joker. She'd talked with EDI about the AI's attraction for the pilot on a few occasions now, but Joker had never said anything about it. She hoped she wasn't encouraging EDI to do something that would make Jeff uncomfortable, but it was hard to tell with those two.

It was ridiculous, Rennah thought as she messaged Garrus and James to suit up and meet her in the shuttle bay, for her to be giving anyone relationship advice. Not only had she spent months in a relationship with Kaidan that had ultimately failed and come to nothing, but now she was dancing around like a cat on a hot tin roof while she worked out what to do about her feelings for Vega. EDI had to be mad to ask her for any kind of relationship advice!

Shepard sighed as the elevator opened and she stepped out into the shuttle bay. It appeared deserted with the exception of Cortez running a system check on the shuttle, but she let him work and made her way to the armoury, pulling out her armour and tracing light fingers over the dents and divots where the biotic-nodes had impacted the armour. Despite her gung-ho attitude after she'd woken up in the hospital, the incident with the mech had rattled her. More than rattled her if she was honest with herself. Even thinking about that moment when the Atlas had fired and she'd been knocked cold sent her heart rate skyrocketing and brought a light sweat to her skin.

Rennah sighed and closed her eyes briefly as she swallowed down the rising fear that she'd been working so hard to hide from the crew since she'd woken up. She was no stranger to pain and she'd been shot, stabbed and beaten bloody on the battlefield more than once, but she'd never felt the kind of pain that those nodes had inflicted on her. Whatever they were, they'd affected not just her implant, but all of the ezo nodes all over her nervous system. Worse still was that she'd been completely helpless to do anything about it.

The pain had ripped through her body like acid and she'd been unable to think, feel or do anything except resonate with the agony of her biotics turning against her. She'd never felt anything like it and she never wanted to again. Each night in the hospital she'd relived the pain again and again in her nightmares and had woken up trembling like a child. Her only option, at least in her mind, was to do what she'd always done and compartmentalise her life; shut away everything that she couldn't deal with right now and face it later.

_But I'm scared…_

Shepard traced the divots in the armour again, trying to ignore the slight tremble in her hands as she began forcefully suiting up. No. She would not let herself be afraid. Not of the Reapers. Not of Cerberus. Not of anyone. So maybe Cerberus had got the better of her and had almost fried her brain; she'd come through okay. There really wasn't any reason for her to be anxious about going out there and fighting them again, especially not when she had Garrus and James backing her up.

She was Commander Shepard and she didn't get scared.

* * *

Something was bothering Shepard; James knew her body language and mannerisms well enough now to know that she was upset, but try as he might he couldn't put his finger on what it was that was troubling her. He knew it wasn't anything to do with him because Rennah had checked over his armour's seals before they'd boarded the shuttle and she'd let her hands linger on him just a little bit too long. Once they were on board though, she'd started drumming her fingers; something that Shepard had done endlessly on Earth whenever she was agitated or upset.

During the flight down she'd chatted quite happily with him and had even made a joke about finding him hot in his new armour, so James had almost convinced himself that he was imagining it. But when Kaylee Sanders had contacted them to help guide them into a secondary maintenance bay, Rennah had become quieter again. She'd confidently assured Sanders that they would evacuate her and the students from the Academy easily enough, but there had been a tension in her body when she spoken about fighting Cerberus that had again made James wonder if she was really okay.

Once they were on the station and amongst the fighting, he had become _certain_ that something was bothering her; Shepard had always been an assertive solider on the battlefield, but her actions when they came across their first Cerberus soldiers had been downright reckless. She'd charged furiously into the platoon of soldiers, storming amongst them like a glowing vengeful spirit as she'd ripped through shields, knocked troopers off their feet and destroyed most of them before James and Garrus had even had time to react.

The first fight had set the tone for their descent into the station and James had pushed himself hard to keep up with Shepard, several times taking out engineers and troopers hiding being tower shields that probably would have easily injured Rennah if he hadn't got to them first. Garrus was slightly more helpful, and stayed a distance behind them to snipe from cover, but even he was having to work hard to keep up with Shepard as she relentlessly pushed forward. When they'd finally reached Sanders, Shepard had paused only briefly to get the location of the missing students and teacher before she'd taken off again.

He could understand why; the thought of Cerberus getting their hands on kids was enough to give him chills too.

James snapped out of his thoughts as Shepard sent another biotic wave flying at the Cerberus troops, knocking most of them off their feet and sending at least two of them smashing against a wall. She ducked back down beside him again and ejected the spent thermal clip, her face flushed and her eyes bright from her flaring biotics. Truthfully, he'd had his doubts about Chakwas allowing Shepard to come along with them to Grissom Academy, especially given that she had only just been released from hospital after having major surgery, but the doctor had said that physically Shepard should be fine as long as she took it easy on her body and biotics.

Shepard was doing neither.

"Commander, you need to watch your biotics." James yelled as a turret began firing on them, the thundering sound almost drowning out his words as bullets pelted loudly against the bollard they were behind and whizzed past like angry hornets. "You're going to put yourself back in hospital if you damage your implant…"

"I'm fine, _Lieutenant_." She shouted back over the noise of the turret, her face dismissive and her eyes irritated as she turned away from him and waited for the hail of bullets to stop. "I know my limits."

"Yeah, but Chakwas said..."

The gunfire ceased and Shepard rolled out from cover before James could finish his sentence, her barrier glowing blue as she gracefully found her feet and biotically charged forward; hitting the turret with another crushing wave of energy. She fired on it quickly and then dashed behind one of Cerberus' shield pylons as the turret sparked and overloaded in a blinding flash. The engineer who'd been repairing the turret was caught in the blast and screamed loudly as his uniform burned, thrashing wildly as he tried to extinguish the flames.

The flames turned out to be the least of his worries though, as Rennah was on him quickly and used her omni-blade to silence him before she recklessly sprinted forward; James a few paces behind her as he hurdled broken shield pylons and smoking generators.

It was almost as though Shepard was trying to prove to herself that she wasn't scared of Cerberus, he thought as he raced after her; she was taking more risks, using her biotics more forcefully and pushing herself so hard that he was genuinely struggling to keep up. The fighting had been vicious, bloody and violent, and Vega was starting to appreciate why it was that Shepard had a reputation for being cold hearted on the battlefield. She didn't hesitate to shoot fleeing troops in the back, nor did she think twice about flinging Cerberus troops off balconies or using her biotics to snap bones.

He'd seen the footage of Shepard fighting like this during the Skyllian Blitz, every Alliance officer probably had, and he'd never forgotten how much the footage had affected him at the time; the sight of her in full battle armour with her shotgun blazing almost as brightly as her biotics was burnt into his mind. He'd been newly enrolled in the Alliance and undergoing basic training at the time, and Shepard had been the solider he'd looked at as a benchmark of excellence for himself. But the Blitz had been a genuine life or death situation when Rennah been fighting to save the lives of colonists, so her fury and determination had been warranted, whereas her fighting today seemed more like an act of desperation designed to prove that Cerberus hadn't beaten her.

Rennah pulled up short at a door and took cover while she waited for him, and James breathed a sigh of relief as he was able to catch up with her. His armour grating against the wall as he took cover on the opposite side of the door and waited for Garrus to position himself with his sniper rifle before he hit the door release. The door slid open and James was instantly bombarded with noise; heavy mech fire, soldiers yelling orders and the sound of strong biotic blasts. Sanders had told them that the students Cerberus had targeted were biotics and he rightly assumed that they'd finally found them.

Shepard nodded at him, her expression grim as she signalled that she would go in first and he was to cover her and then follow, and James nodded back to show that he'd understood. He hefted his gun as the sound of an Atlas seemed to get louder and Shepard's barrier flared bright around her as she dodged inside the doorway and emptied her clip into two troopers who'd been taking cover nearby. She took another few steps towards the centre of the room and James followed her, surprised when Shepard faltered and came to a stop.

" _Jack_?"

Shepard sounded so completely astonished that James almost missed the name she'd uttered, and it took him several moments to process that she'd spoken and what she'd said. _Jack_. Jack was here? He followed her stunned gaze and did a double take at the person who was standing toe to toe with an Atlas, for several moments unable to believe that the person standing in front of him was the same Jack that he'd been so jealous of.

A woman?

Jack was a _woman_?

" _Shepard_?" The tattooed woman sounded almost as shocked as Rennah had when she glanced over and saw her there, and she gaped at Shepard for a split second before she turned her attention back to the mech and blocked its machine gun fire with a biotic barrier.

The woman in front of him was definitely _not_ who James had pictured when Shepard had spoken about the person who had tattooed her, drank with her and helped her move on from Kaidan. Jack was covered almost covered head to toe in tattoos that closely resembled some of the tattoos on Shepard's back, and she stood aggressively in the centre of the room with the bodies of Cerberus troopers and engineers scattered around her. The barrier she had created was one of such strength and magnitude that none of the Cerberus attacks were close to breaking through.

It was impressive; she was impressive.

A small group of Grissom Academy students stood behind her, apparently shoring up her barrier as the mech recovered and started towards them again; an Atlas that carried the same biotic-weapon as the one that had laid Shepard low on Sur'Kesh. James felt a wave of fury sweep through him at the thought of Cerberus using this weapon on kids and he fired at it without thinking. The mech hesitating before turning towards him, sparks flying from its damaged legs and the metal screeching and grating as it changed direction.

"Get those kids to safety!" Shepard roared as she followed James' example and began firing at the Atlas; the biotic gun's blue light flickering and then shorting out in a shower of sparks as Rennah aimed for it. "We'll take care of the Atlas."

"Gotcha."

James saw Jack nod aggressively and then, moving as one, she and the students backed towards a flight of stairs, their barrier holding steady as they retreated quickly from the fight. There was no time to wonder why Shepard's apparently insane friend was at Grissom Academy or why she was protecting students. Instead James' focus narrowed to the hulking Atlas as it lumbered unsteadily in front of him, and the woman who stood at his side with her handgun raised and her barrier glowing.

The Atlas began powering up its canon and he and Shepard rolled for cover as it fired at them, a rocket exploding where they had just been standing and sending a shower of broken tiles and dust through the air. James found his feet with ease and lobbed a grenade at the Atlas, taking cover and firing relentlessly as the mech began to approach again. Near him he could sense Shepard using her biotics, and he saw a warp form in the Atlas's cockpit; twisting and shifting the mech and the pilot at the molecular level.

Garrus' concussive shots unexpectedly hammered the mech in quick succession and the Atlas' hatch sprung open as the engineer tried to scramble free too late; the machine eruptive in a fiery explosion around him. James kept low as the usual rain of hot metal and mech parts pelted down around him, grinning at Shepard as she ducked low next him with her chest heaving and her eyes bright with triumph. He could tell that she was buzzing with adrenaline and James was seized by a mad urge to take her in his arms and kiss her, and he only just managed to keep the ridiculous urge in check as she grinned back at him.

"Well, well, well." A drawling female voice rang out as the explosion died away and Shepard tore her eyes from his as she shot to her feet, turning and staring as Jack appeared on an overhanging balcony, "Sanders told me that help was on its way but I never thought it would be _you_."

The tattooed woman leaped over the edge without a moment's hesitation and James caught his breath as her biotics flared and she gently floated to the ground. He'd never seen someone with that level of biotic power and control before. Shepard was the strongest biotic he'd ever known, but if seeing was believing, than this wild looking woman was even stronger than Rennah was. It was impressive and scary all at once, and James could see almost immediately why Jack had had such a big impact on Shepard.

She stalked up to her friend and without a moment's hesitation, wrenched her arm back and hit Rennah full in the face; the blow hard enough to send Shepard staggering back a step as Jack growled angrily at her, "What the fuck did I tell you about trusting Cerberus?"

James' gun had come up automatically when Jack had hit Shepard, but he lowered it again when he heard Shepard laugh loudly as though the punch had been hilarious. She straightened and James frowned when he saw that Shepard's lip had split open in the corner of her mouth from the force of Jack's punch, but it didn't seem to bother her, and Rennah simply wiped up the thin trickle of blood and stepped forward again.

Her purple eyes sparkled as she flicked the blood on the ground and glanced at her friend, "You're not telling me anything I don't know, Jack."

For a moment Jack stared at her, her expression alternating between angry and _really_ angry before the anger dissolved completely and she let out her breath in a rush. She stepped forward and wrapped her arms around Shepard in a bear hug, her voice rough and muffled as she spoke, "When I saw what the Reapers did to Alliance HQ in Vancouver I was worried you'd been killed, but I should have known you'd find a way out."

"Idiot." Shepard sounded amused, "I'm tougher than that." She raised a gauntleted arm and hugged Jack awkwardly around the waist, dropping the arm and stepping back as soon as Jack released her, the nostalgic expression on her face so raw that James felt like he was watching something private.

There was something about these two powerful women, both so headstrong and independent, that made James realise that their relationship was something that neither woman probably had with anyone else. Once glance was enough for him to know that Jack was cut from the same cloth as Shepard; if they both hadn't been armed to the teeth, covered in tattoos and bristling with raw biotic power, he would have thought it was cute that the two of them were friends.

Instead he just felt a vague sense of relief that Jack wasn't a sexy tattooed man who was waiting to sweep Shepard off her feet.

* * *

**A/N – In the next chapter Shepard gets scary! :)**


	18. Watching You Drown

_Disclaimer: I still don't own Mass Effect…_

**A/N – This chapter is a mixture of dark and light. As always, thank you very much to the people who reviewed.**

* * *

James grinned in amusement as the Grissom Academy students trailed after Shepard and Jack as they made their way across the room; the kids were clearly star struck to have had Commander Shepard come riding to their rescue, and they were even more impressed that their teacher was her friend. He was expecting Rennah to play up to their hero worship or at least acknowledge them as they followed her but, aside from giving them the occasional annoyed look, she was ignoring them completely. Eventually Jack ordered them all to get some juice and get ready to move out and they retreated, still casting impressed looks in Shepard's direction.

"Sorry about that, Shepard." Jack laughed throatily as she pulled out a chair and sat down, her brown eyes sparkling with amusement as Shepard frowned at her in irritation, "I forgot how much the _Hero of the Citadel_ hates kids."

James blinked in surprise and only just managed keep his mouth shut at that little bit of news; he knew Shepard wasn't exactly a warm and maternal person, but he'd never imagined her _hating_ kids. He was the type of person who children and animals always seemed to naturally gravitate towards; hell, given half the chance most kids seemed to think he was some sort of jungle gym made for climbing! He liked the way he could make kids laugh and mess around with them; kids were cute.

Shepard glanced at him and something must have shown on his face because she squirmed uncomfortably, "I don't _hate_ kids." She muttered defensively, "They're just a big liability; they're defenceless and they make you weak."

"Well, these guys are pretty good for teenagers." Jack sounded proud, but the look on her face quickly darkened and she thumped a fist on the table, "I'm not sure why Cerberus is after biotic students, but these are my kids and they'll be getting them over my dead body."

Shepard and Jack launched into a discussion of the reasons that Cerberus might be after biotics, and the students slowly began to drift back into the room. Several of them made a beeline towards James, their eyes bright as they saw his arsenal of weapons and their curiosity got the better of them. As always seemed to happen when James was around teenagers, some of the girls started to become giggly and flirted with him, but he did he best to ignore it as he answered their questions about fighting the Reapers with Shepard. He liked teenagers almost as much as he liked kids; these guys seemed like good students and he was happy to chat about battles and fighting while he waited for Shepard to give the order to move out.

The students excitedly explained that they were being trained as a biotic combat group that would be dropped into war zones to work as a squad to wreck heavy biotic damage on the enemy. One of the older boys called Prangley, who seemed a little quieter than the rest, admitted to James that they'd only been training for a few months and probably weren't ready for combat just yet. The boy was continuously sneaking looks at Shepard as he spoke, clearly smitten, and James had to bite back a smile when Shepard glanced over and saw them both watching her, rolling her eyes at him and turning back to her friend as though she thought James was just as bad as the kids.

He actually felt a little bit sorry for Shepard as he realised just how uncomfortable she was with the students; there was something really sad that she saw kids as a weakness and a liability. Her past was still a mystery to him, but whatever had happened to her when she was a child had made her grow up quickly. Did she resent children who had happy and carefree lives? Or did she just find children to be loud and annoying? She'd been worried enough about what Cerberus would do to the students to rush in and save them, but her interest in them as people was almost nil.

"Okay, listen up!" Jack stood up, her voice ringing loudly through the room as all the students straightened and turned to face her; their respect and attention absolute, "Shepard's team has a shuttle waiting to get us off this station and we're going to get there no matter what these assholes throw at us, got me?"

"Yes ma'am!" The students all shouted and some saluted; there was no sign of the fear that James had sensed in them earlier.

They obviously idolised and looked up to their unconventional teacher; that was for sure! Whether it was because she was the perfect image of teenage rebellion and they thought she was cool, or because they knew how powerful she was and respected that, the kids all followed her orders without question. James again saw the similarities between Jack and Rennah; the way they gave orders was in the same unflinching and determined way, and the way they both had the ability to inspire the people around them. They were also both unquestionably hot too, although he couldn't help but think that Rennah's black hair and violet eyes were a little more exotic than Jack's plain brown hair and eyes.

Still, they were both sexy as hell.

Shepard walked over to where he and Garrus were waiting, and watched as Jack organised her students, "God, I never thought I'd see the day where Jack was put in charge of anything...let alone _kids_."

"Maybe you rubbed off on her?" Garrus grinned as he spoke, "The being put in charge part I mean, not the kids thing."

Shepard shrugged but her expression was thoughtful as she watched her friend, "You could be right; I _was_ a mess when Jack met me, but I suppose I was still good at ordering people around." Her comments seem to hang in the air for a moment as all three of them regarded Jack as she loudly insulted a student and prodded him back into line as she barked orders. Shepard grinned at the sight, "I'll say this though; those kids are going to be a handful on the battlefield with her as their teacher."

"So, what's the plan for getting them safely to the shuttle? I don't imagine Cerberus is going to let us waltz out of here with them." James brought her back to the task at hand, because as tough as these kids thought they were, they were still kids and biotic barriers would only hold out against guns for so long.

"Jack knows a few shortcuts to get us through the building, since she's pretty sure they're going to have the main routes blocked." Rennah turned away from Jack and looked at Garrus and James earnestly, "She also thinks it's worthwhile trying to capture a Cerberus operative if we come across one, so we can try to get some information out of them about why they're trying to catch biotics."

"Makes sense." Garrus ran a taloned hand down his sniper rifle and nodded, "Even Cerberus soldiers feel pain; catch one and apply the pressure until they squeal."

James rolled his shoulders to ease the sudden tension that had gone through him as Garrus and Shepard talked so casually about capturing and torturing someone. He knew that Shepard wanted to know why Cerberus was after her, and he could understand why Jack wanted to find out why they were after her students, but torturing someone was _extreme_. Not to mention it was illegal in the Alliance Navy and there were severe punishments for soldiers found guilty of torture. He wanted to say something, but before he could speak up and say what was on his mind, Shepard pushed away from the railing she was leaning against and announced that they needed to move out.

It took a few minutes for them to get organised and then they set out and began moving slowly and carefully through the facility; Shepard scouting ahead while he and Garrus hung back with Jack and her students. James couldn't shake the awful tight feeling that the talk of torture had brought up. He knew without anything being said aloud, that half the reason why Shepard was scouting ahead by herself was because she was looking for a Cerberus operative to catch. She could move faster and more quietly by herself, and James knew from Shepard's file back on Earth she had been commended on her exceptional infiltration abilities during her N7 training.

Without warning, the sound of gunfire broke the silence as they walked and up ahead James saw the bright blue flash of someone using their biotics. Jack and the students reacted almost as quickly as he and Garrus did, and they ran quickly to cover the distance between them and the sounds of battle. He was faster than the others and reached the fight seconds before they did, just in time to see Shepard executing an impressive flip through the air as she avoided a trooper's gunfire. As she landed she charged forward faster than he could follow, smashed into the trooper and fired point black into his face before she charged again and smashed into a Cerberus operative who had been trying to sneak away from the fight.

The operative was flung into a wall from the force of her charge, and he slumped to the ground holding his head as Shepard quickly disarmed him. James checked the room in case any of the Cerberus soldiers were still alive, but aside from the injured operative, the others were well and truly dead. It was impressive that Shepard had been able to dispatch this many men as quietly as she had; they obviously hadn't known she was there until it was too late to stop her.

"You got one." Jack reached the doorway and stopped, keeping her students outside as she watched Shepard toss the operative's gun to the far corner of the room. "The maintenance bay with your shuttle is down the end of this corridor. Do you want to bring your new friend with us or…"

"No." Shepard glanced back at them and James watched as her eyes hardened, as though she was mentally preparing herself for what she had to do, "If I'm going to do this, I need to do it now. You and Garrus go on with the students and we'll be with you as soon as we can."

The biotic teacher hesitated for a moment, clearly reluctant to move on without Shepard, but she nodded once and then left with her students, Garrus signalling to Rennah that he'd keep them safe. James awkwardly stood in the room for a moment as Shepard looked at him with those steely eyes, than she pointed at a laptop and several data pads which were sitting on a row of bench chairs to one side of the room. "Gather up all the info you can. I'm going to have a _chat_ with our friend here."

The Cerberus operative seemed to becoming around now and looked up at Shepard with horror on his face as he scrambled across the floor, crab crawling away from her until his back hit another wall and he watched her with panicked eyes. Shepard seemed almost empty as she looked at the man and approached him, the blue light of her biotics licking over her skin like flames as she lifted the operative in mid-air and held him against the wall.

"Now, I'm going to ask you some questions and you're going to answer them, or I'm going to hurt you." Shepard stepped even closer and James tried to make himself busy collecting the data pads and laptops, "Are we clear?"

"I'm not going to tell you anything." The operative sounded brave but when James glanced up at him, the man didn't look so sure; he looked terrified.

Cursing himself for leaving it so late, James realised that he couldn't bite his tongue any longer about what she was about to do, and he strode up to Shepard and leaned in close, "Commander, you can't do this! The Alliance banned torture…"

She cut him off fast, "I'm a council Spectre, Lieutenant. I have the authority to use any means necessary." Shepard's eyes were still and empty, and James could see that she'd already retreated into herself; it was like staring at a stranger. "If you can't stomach this then guard the door and _don't watch_." She gave him a dismissive look as she turned back to the operative, her voice business like and to the point. "Now, first question; why is Cerberus after me?"

"I don't know." The Cerberus operative glared at Shepard with angry eyes, clearly doubting that she would do anything to hurt him.

It was a mistake.

"Wrong answer." Shepard clenched her fist, brought it forward and sent a concentrated biotic blast at his knee. The man screamed as his knee cap audibly shattered and cracked and James looked away, unable to watch as he convulsed and screamed in the air. When he'd stopped screaming, Shepard spoke up and James made himself turn back. "Let's try again; why is Cerberus after me?"

"I don't…"

"Wrong answer."

This time James made himself watch, although he kept his eyes on Shepard and not on the man she was torturing. She didn't look like she was enjoying this one little bit, she looked pale and grim. It was like watching an empty shell of a woman; like she was running on autopilot. Shepard sent another biotic blast at the man's other knee, and again the man screamed horribly and writhed in the air as he knee cap was shattered.

Shepard seemed perfectly calm, almost bored, as she continued to hold him in the air, "I can do this all day, so you might want to start speaking up. Now, why is Cerberus after _me_? Why are they after biotics?"

"Please, I…"

Shepard sighed, "That's not an answer…"

This time she sent a biotic warp field at the man's hand, and despite all the horrible things he'd seen in his time as a solider, James had to look away again as he saw the man's hand twist and warp out of shape; the bones twisting and popping as his fingers almost turned backwards. The man's screams were high and piteous and he vomited over himself as he panted and mewled in pain.

"I'm only to ask one more time, and then I'm going to warp something that's _really_ going to hurt." Shepard let the threat hang on the air and then stepped closer to the man, and James finally turned away and walked outside.

He couldn't believe that the woman doing these horrible things was the same Shepard who he had fallen for. She was like a stranger; a cold emotionless stranger. He knew that she'd done worse things than this during the fight with the Collectors; hell, he'd read her file and although the information was limited it had hinted that she'd done some pretty questionable things to secure the loyalty of her crew. But seeing her do horrible things was a very different thing to reading about them.

Shepard walked out the door about thirty seconds later, her eyes still cold and empty, although as she gestured at him to follow her and drew her gun, James could see that she was trembling. It loosened the knot of tension in him to see that shaking; it meant that as much as she was pretending that what she'd done didn't bother her, it did. She'd done something monstrous but she was still human.

"I got what he knew, now let's go." Shepard avoided his eyes as she turned and led the way back to the shuttle without saying anything else; the uncomfortable silence that fell between them speaking louder than words.

* * *

"You need to learn to take a step back from these situations, Vega." Cortez brandished a bottle of tequila like a weapon and passed it and two shot glasses to James, deliberately ignoring Vega's reluctance to join him for a drink. He leaned down and rifled through his locker and then came out with two packets of corn chips and a jar of spicy salsa. "So your Commander did something you didn't like…"

James shook his head and paced back and forth as he clutched the tequila tightly, "She _tortured_ a man, Esteban…"

"Yeah, she tortured a Cerberus operative about why they were trying to kidnap her and kidnap some kids, and from what I hear it was lucky that she did." Cortez put the chips down and put a hand on James' shoulder, his blue eyes kind as he forced Vega to stop pacing and listen. "I read her report, Vega, and I read those data files you brought back. They don't paint a pretty picture; Cerberus is hunting powerful biotics to indoctrinate them and use them in their creepy sounding _Phantom initiative_." He let go of his shoulder and passed Vega the packets of chips. "I don't know about you, but I don't like the thought of Cerberus getting their hands on Shepard and indoctrinating her."

James juggled the chips and tequila and reluctantly nodded, "Yeah, I know. It's just that I never thought she was capable of doing something like that."

"You love her," Cortez shrugged, and gave him a half smile as he went back to fossicking in his locker for more snacks, "and you're unsettled to have seen her doing something you didn't think she was capable of doing, it's understandable."

"Love her? I don't…I mean…I just…" James felt himself go red and he fumbled about desperately for something to say. "I just never thought she could…"

Cortex shook his head, "Look, just relax and let it go. You said yourself that Shepard seemed shaken after what she did, so let it go or you'll end up pushing her away." He poked his head out of the locker and pointed at the lift, his expression amused as he saw how flustered his friend was. "Go upstairs to the lounge with what you've got and I'll be up soon with some more snacks and some vids. We're going to relax and have fun tonight."

"Yeah, I'll just…take the tequila and meet you up there." James still felt spun out as he caught the lift up the starboard observation lounge, which was his usual hangout spot with Cortez.

Was Cortez right? Was he in love with Shepard? He'd been attracted to her from the first moment he'd seen a photo of her and had spent years idolising her, and yes, he'd dreamed about being with her for longer than he cared to admit, but that had just been physical attraction. And yet, he had to admit that since he'd met her in the flesh and had got to know the woman behind the legend he'd been drawn to her on more than just the physical level. He would give up his life to save hers in an instant. No question. She was everything he wanted in a woman and he wanted to be with her….

Oh god.

He _did_ love her.

James left the elevator in a daze, unable to believe that he'd felt this way about Shepard and hadn't even realised it. Did she know? Was that why she was being so careful about getting involved with him? He wandered down the hall to the Starboard Observation lounge and paused outside the door when he heard voices coming from inside, instantly recognising one of the voices as Shepard's. He started to turn away when he heard his name, and he stayed to listen despite himself.

"So you're telling me that your lieutenant Vega has already made a move on you and haven't shagged him? Shepard, you're more of an idiot than I thought."

James blinked and almost stepped away again, but curiosity the better of him and he stayed frozen to the spot as he strained to hear Shepard's reply. He knew that staying to eavesdrop on such a personal conversation was the lowest of the low things to do, but he couldn't seem to make himself walk away.

"Jack, you saw how he looked at me on the shuttle today. He's probably wishing he'd never said anything." Shepard sounded frustrated and upset and James tightened his grip on the bottle of tequila, suddenly wishing that he hadn't made his distaste for her actions so obvious.

 _Yeah, I was freaked out,_ James admitted to himself, _but I still want her!_

"Oh I _saw_ how he looked at you, all right." Jack sounded amused and he heard the clink of glasses, "Just sleep with him and get it out of your system." James almost pressed his ear to the door to hear Shepard's response, but whatever she said was too low for him to hear and all he heard was the sound of more glasses clinking. When Jack spoke up again, her voice furred with alcohol, "Why do you make things so complicated for yourself? You don't need to be in a relationship with someone to have sex with them."

"I know that, but…"

"But nothing! Gees, girl! That guy is amazing! He's a mountain of a man! Just strap on some mountaineering gear and climb aboard!"

"Oh god, Jack…" He heard Shepard laugh, and smiled at the tone in her voice; she sounded better, less stressed. "Believe me, I want to, but I want more than just one great night."

"You're pathetic."

"I know."

There was the sound of movement in the room and James froze as he heard the sound of them coming towards the door. _Quick!_ His brain hissed at him. _Hide before they see you!_ But it was too late and the door whooshed open, Jack and Shepard almost walking into him as they started through the door. For a moment he stared into Shepard's face, a red wave of heat engulfing him as he hoped she didn't realise he'd been listening to their conversation.

He tried to think of something clever to say, or something funny, but all he could think of was that Shepard wanted more than just sex with him. It was exactly what he wanted to hear from her, because he wanted more than just one night with her too, but if he said anything she'd know he'd been listening. The silenced stretched on and James became aware that both Jack and Shepard were watching him suspiciously.

_Say something!_

_Anything!_

James held out the bottle of tequila and snacks and tried to smile charmingly, "Uh…anyone up for some drinks and snacks?"

* * *

**A/N – I think this is my favourite chapter I've written so far!**


	19. Snacks and Tequila

_Disclaimer: Nope, I still don't own Mass Effect!_

**A/N – I'm pretty busy with work and life at the moment, so it may be a whole week until I get more writing done, boo! Enjoy this chapter in the meantime - it was completely unplanned but James and Shepard made me write it. I couldn't get anything out of them until I wrote it, I swear!**

****Enjoy!**  
**

* * *

James was drunk. Really, really drunk. He _knew_ he was drunk and he _knew_ that he shouldn't have let Jack goad him into a drinking contest, but he'd spent the night bragging about his ability to drink anyone under the table, so he hadn't been able to back out when she challenged him. Or at least, he hadn't been able to back out in a way that would let him keep his dignity intact, especially when Shepard had been watching.

They'd run out of tequila a while ago, so they'd since moved on to some foul tasting liquor that he suspected was ryncol. He wasn't sure how long they'd been drinking for, but every time Jack passed him another shot and gave him her ' _I dare you_ ' look, he took it and swallowed it down. He suspected he was losing the drinking contest spectacularly since he was already finding it hard to get the glass to his mouth without spilling it, while Jack was still pouring the shots perfectly.

Cortez and Shepard were almost as hammered as he was, but had had the sense to quit a while ago and were at the window playing some sort ridiculous drinking game that seemed to consist of them trying to come up with new names for constellations; the more ridiculous the better. Both of them were currently laughing like idiots at a name that Cortez had just come up with, and James wished that it was him next to her playing the stupid name game.

"Keeping an eye on the prize, are you _Muscles_?" Jack poured him another shot and glanced meaningfully at Shepard, and James felt himself go red; was he really that obvious?

He took the glass in an unsteady hand and gestured at Jack, some of the liquid tipping over the edge as he tried unsuccessfully to keep his glass level, "You know," James was aware he was slurring his words slightly as he changed the subject to something that _wasn't_ about him watching Rennah, and he tried to speak more clearly. "I was a little bit jealous when Shepard first told me about you. I thought you were a _guy_."

"I get that a lot." Jack smiled to herself as she poured another shot and downed it without missing a beat, her brown eyes teasing as she focused on him again. "So she didn't even _hint_ that I was a woman?"

"Nah. She never said a thing." James stared at the shot in his hand unhappily and screwed his face up as he swallowed it, the liquid burning like fire in his throat as he struggled to keep it down.

_I'm going to be sick…_

_Or I'm going to die…_

_Or both..._

Jack laughed at his expression and took the shot glass from his hand, "She was probably trying to make you jealous."

"Why would she want to make me jealous? She didn't even like me back then…" James swayed unsteadily and held his hand up to forestall Jack pouring anything else, "No more, okay? You win."

The biotic shrugged and set the bottle down, "Why does any woman want to make a man jealous? She likes you, dumbass." She abruptly frowned at him and gave him a look as though she thought he was dense, "You do know she likes you, don't you?"

"'Course she likes me." He put a hand out to steady himself as the room swayed dangerously around him, once it had steadied he flexed one arm and pointed at himself. "Have you _seen_ me? Check out these guns…"

"Yeah, I've seen you." She regarded him with amusement for a moment as he flexed, and then sidled closer to him on the couch, her eyes narrowing ominously. "You're not playing games with Shepard are you? This isn't some sort of 'bed the commander' kind of challenge, is it?"

James shook his head and leaned closer to Jack, whispering covertly in case Shepard overheard, "No, I really, _really_ like her."

"Cute." Jack pulled a face as she moved away and poured herself another shot, which she slammed down quickly. "You've got it just as bad as she does."

"I think I've got it worse than she does, actually." James quit his flexing and rolled his shoulders as he glanced over at Shepard. She was pointing at the stars and laughing as she clung to Cortez, both of them muttering the word _weasel_ as though it was the most hilarious thing they'd ever heard.

Jack snorted, "She's not as tough as she seems, you know." She leaned back against the couch and watched Shepard with him, "She always drinks like this after she does something she regrets. I think it's her way of coping with guilt."

"Why does she do those things if she feels so bad about it?" James felt a wave of his own guilt wash over him for thinking the worst of her today, but torture wasn't something he was ever going to be okay with and he couldn't change that.

"She does them because nobody else can." Jack stared at him for a moment and then clapped him on the shoulder as she grinned like the cat that got the cream as she slid to the edge of the couch, "This is a little too serious for me, so I'm going to give you a break, big guy."

"Wait, what?" James blinked as Jack abruptly stood up and strolled lazily over to Cortez and Shepard.

_Give him a break? What the hell did she mean by that?  
_

Jack tagged Cortez on the shoulder and pulled him away from Shepard, "Hey flyboy, do you still want to give me that tour of the Shuttle Bay and show me all those impressive weapons you procured?"

James held his breath as he finally realised what Jack was doing and he waited to see if Shepard had picked up on what her buddy was up to. Luckily Rennah seemed oblivious, and Cortez looked at James in amusement as he nodded, "Sure thing." He took Shepard by the shoulders and gave her a gentle push in James' direction, "Commander, you go have a drink with Mr. Vega over there. I hear he thinks he can drink you under the table!"

Shepard craned her neck and looked over at James indignantly, "He said _what_?"

Cortez winked at James as he and Jack retreated from the room, both of them looking smug and clever as they shut the door behind them. Shepard made her way unsteadily over to him and dropped heavily on the couch, picking up the bottle and glaring at him as though he had suddenly become the enemy.

"You're going to rue the day, Vega!" She tried to pour two shots, but got more of the liquid over the table than she did in the glasses, "Shit!" She glared at the bottle as though it was its fault that she couldn't pour it and James plucked the bottle from her hands and put it down on the table, wondering exactly how much she'd had to drink.

"That's okay, Shepard. You'd probably beat me anyway."

"What do you mean _probably_? I could outdrink a krogan!" She pouted as she relaxed against the lounge and watched him with eyes that were alive again; full of the emotion that she'd buried at Grissom Academy.

"Yeah, sure." James laughed ducked out of the way as Shepard flung a cushion at him, her lips twisted in mock irritation. As she settled herself comfortably and watched him, he was suddenly very aware that they were alone together in the room and he racked his brains for something to talk about, "Are you okay after today? You were quiet on the shuttle ride back."

Her eyes met his and she shrugged as the silence stretched for a little bit, "I did what I had to do, and I can live with that. It's not like I have a choice."

James reached out and caught her hand, unwilling to let her sidestep the question. "But are you _okay_?"

For a moment Shepard didn't answer, then she took a deep breath and nodded, "I'm not happy, but I'm okay."

"Good."

She curled up on the lounge with her legs tucked under her and stretched one arm along the back of the couch, glancing back at the stars as she stared quietly out of the observation window; the velvety black sky reflecting in her eyes. Shepard looked back at him carefully and then leaned closer to him and traced a gentle finger across the scar on his face that stretched from his nose to cheek, "I've always wondered how you got this scar."

"Piece of shrapnel from a grenade on my first mission." James was almost too scared to breathe; this was the first time that Shepard had touched him like this.

For all of the time they'd spent together on earth, they'd rarely ever been alone and they'd almost never touched each other; not even those casual touches that were normal between friends. They'd fought, they'd kissed and they'd been wrapped in each other arms, but they'd never just touched each other each other like this. It sent goose bumps prickling along James' skin and, even in his drunken state, it made him want her even more.

"And this one?" She moved closer to him and crawled to her knees as she touched the deep scar next to his eye. Her fingers were hot to the touch and James shivered at the light tingling sensation as she traced the scar carefully.

"A Krogan warlord was trying to kill me." James flexed his muscles from habit as he saw Shepard's gaze rake his body, "He was aiming for my head and got a glancing blow."

"And this one?" She dragged her gaze back to his face and ran her fingers, feathery light, over his lower lip and down the scars on his chin, "It looks deep."

"Ah, yeah, that one came from the Collector ship." James' stomach clenched at her touch and he felt his body react down south; he was starting to burn for her.

It was only with a staggering force of will that he didn't sweep Shepard into his arms then and there, but even with a brain that was fuzzed with alcohol he knew that this was one of those rare moments that he wouldn't get back if he fucked it up. Shepard was more than just a sexy woman that he wanted to tumble into bed; she was special and he wanted to do everything he could to show her how much she meant to him. He wanted to take things slow and get things right.

James lifted his own hand to her face and traced the shiny new scar above her eyebrow, "Tell me how you got your scars."

"I got that one on Earth, on the day we left. A Reaper did it." Her eyes closed automatically at his touch but she quickly opened them again, watching him with a look that burned with something other than fire.

"What about this one?" He traced a long thin scar along her jaw and neck, then let his hand cup her face gently as he pulled her closer to him, unable to resist placing a gentle kiss on the edge of the scar; he was completely enchanted with this gentle side of Shepard.

She shivered and leaned into his touch as she let her eyes close again, "Collector rifle beam."

"And this one?" He carefully let his hand slide down her neck to her collar bone where a knot of white scar tissue stood out, his other hand slipping around her firm waist as he pulled her onto his lap.

She opened her eyes, and they were the most brilliant shade of indigo that James had ever seen. She leaned forward until she was barely an inch from him and her lips hovered over his, "Collector Praetorian on Horizon. It almost killed me…"

James closed the gap between them slowly and pressed his mouth against hers in a slow warm kiss that made his blood fizz in his veins, his lips teasing at hers until she opened her mouth to his. Shepard groaned quietly as his tongue slid against hers and he felt her arms wind around his neck as she repositioned herself on his lap, straddling him as her body melted against his and she kissed him back. He slid his arms down her waist and over her ass, squeezing gently as she arched against him and made a tight sound of pleasure that sent shivers down his spine.

She broke the kiss and let her lips move down his face, planting smaller kisses along his jaw and down his neck as her nails raked through his hair, down his neck and along his shoulders. Shepard's hands slowly traced the muscles of his chest and James groaned as she bunched his shirt in her hands and pulled it off him. She bit her lower lip as her eyes ran hungrily over his naked chest and she let her hands run down his muscles again; her nails lightly scratching his skin.

"Mmm, not bad." She rested her hands on his shoulders and grinned as his hands found the front zip of her BDU jacket and he slowly pulled it down, groaning as he saw that the only thing she was wearing underneath was a lacy black brassiere. "Like what you see, Jimmy?"

"Yes." He could barely think clearly, let alone speak; _she was perfect._

Shepard shrugged out of the jacket and dropped it on the floor as she leaned forward and kissed him again, her lips warm as she wriggled on his lap and pressed herself against him. James ran his hands up her taunt sides and cupped her breasts through her bra, dragging his thumbs over her nipples as he lowered his head and took one of the tightened lace-covered buds in his mouth and then the other, grazing his teeth gently against it and then circling it with his tongue as he sucked. Shepard gasped and hissed in ecstasy as she pulled his head up and kissed him hungrily; whimpering with the strength of her need.

James could feel his heart hammering hard in his chest as he slid his hands around her back and down the long smooth expanse of skin to her hips. He wanted to be closer to Shepard; to be inside of Shepard. He wanted it more than he'd wanted anything in his life. He carefully and slowly lay Rennah down on the couch, keeping his hands either side of her as he kissed her again and again. His head was spinning from arousal and alcohol as he felt her wrap her legs around his waist, and his hands fumbled at the front fastening of her pants.

Distantly, he became aware of a voice in the back of his head screeching for him to stop, and James paused as Shepard continued to kiss his face and neck, breathing hard as he tried to clear his head and think for a second. _Stop! You need to stop!_ James pulled back from Shepard and sat up, shaking his head again as he tried to think clearly. She muttered something disappointed sounding and reached for him again, and James almost gave in and went back down, but he paused; why did he need to stop? Shepard wanted him and he wanted her, so what was wrong with that?

_You're drunk! She's drunk! If you do this she might think you're taking advantage and you'll lose her!_

"Jimmy, please…" Shepard grabbed his shoulders and tried to pull him closer to her but James resisted and shook his head, hating the voice for stopping him but heeding it nonetheless; losing Shepard was a sobering thought.

"We can't, Rennah. We're both off our faces." He cleared his throat and wished he wasn't quite so drunk as he continued to resist her attempts to pull his body back against hers.

Shepard groaned let go of him as she ran her hands down her face, her legs tightening around his waist as used her core strength to half sit up, "So _what_? We're both adults and I know you want me..."

"Yeah, but I don't want our first time to be some drunken scramble in the observation lounge." James gestured around and Shepard watched him, clearly frustrated, but he could see that he was getting through to her. His own body wasn't exactly happy with him, and the unsatisfied ache in his loins was hard to ignore. It would have been so easy to keep going and bed Shepard, but it wasn't what he really wanted, and he was pretty sure it wasn't what she wanted either.

Rennah sighed and flopped back onto the couch, "I guess." She sounded disappointed and the look she gave him wasn't entirely friendly, "But it's not nice to get a girl so worked up and leave her hanging, you know."

"Yeah, well, this isn't one of my finer moments, I'll admit." James shifted his weight as she unwound her legs form around his waist and sat up, curling up next to him and resting her head against his bare chest. The room swayed around him and he put a hand to his head as he tried to think through the haze of alcohol that was blinding him. Maybe stopping wasn't such a bad idea after all; he was feeling worse by the second.

Shepard nestled closer against him and he automatically wrapped his arms around her, "Just hold me then."

James nodded and stretched out along the couch, his long frame barely fitting as he lay back and let Shepard curl up on top of him, her legs tangling with his and her head resting on his chest. He wrapped an arm around her and cursed quietly to himself as she brushed against his nether regions and his body reminded him again of just how far he'd let things get between them. He let his head fall back against the arm rest and he closed his eyes, aware that the room was still spinning around him.

It was probably for the best that he'd stopped himself before they got too far; he was so drunk that he probably wouldn't have been all that great anyway…

* * *

Shepard yawned and cuddled against the warm body she was sprawled on as she stirred and slowly woke up; her joints popping as she stretched out to her full length and let her cramped leg muscles get some blood moving through them again. Strong arms wrapped around her, and Shepard let herself relax into the embrace as she felt lips brush against her forehead in a gentle kiss. For a few heartbeats she didn't try to think or reason, she just enjoyed the warmth and comfort of waking up with another body against hers; it had been too long since she'd let herself enjoy being with someone.

She opened her eyes and glanced around, slowly sitting up and blinking sleepily as she looked down at the huge muscular chest she'd been sprawled on, some part of her dimly remembering the embarrassingly drunken sexual escapade she'd almost had last night. She glanced up and saw that James was awake and watching her, his chocolate coloured eyes wary as they waited for her reaction, although he had no reason to be worried. He'd done something that even she hadn't been able to do last night; he'd stopped.

"Hey, there." Shepard sat up and winced; her head was aching and her mouth tasted like sawdust.

_She was never drinking again._

_Ever_.

"Hey." James' voice was rough and his eyes were bloodshot as he sat up carefully, his eyes raking over her body as she sat in front of him, "You, uh, might want to cover up in case someone comes in."

She glanced down and grinned as she saw that her top half was only covered by her lace bra and, chuckling at his concern for her modesty, she reached down and pulled her BDU jacket off the floor. She zipped her jacket up and yawned again, covering her mouth with the back of her hand, "What time is it?"

James pulled his shirt back on and glanced at his omni-tool through his blurry eyes as he blinked to focus, "We still have a few hours of night cycle left."

Shepard nodded and leaned against the couch, resting her head against the cool material and closing her eyes for just a second. She felt awful; completely wrecked. Damn Jack and her bottle of ryncol and damn James and his bottle of tequila. Still, she supposed that no one had actually made her drink anything; the choice had been hers and at the time it had seemed like the right choice. It was lucky that James had a will of iron or god knows what she would have been waking up to.

Not that she objected to the thought of sleeping with him; she'd practically begged him to keep going last night, and heaven knew that she'd spent more than a few hours thinking about sex with him over the past few weeks. But James had been spot on last night when he'd said they were both too drunk for him to go through with it, and she appreciated his sweet comment about wanting their first time to be more than just a fumbling drunken experience that both of them would probably regret. For a guy who seemed like such a playboy, James Vega was an incredibly caring guy and she was enjoying these hidden depths to his personality.

"Thanks, James." She opened her eyes and caught his hand as he made to stand up, "I don't think many people could have stepped back when you did last night, I know I didn't want to."

He shrugged like it was no big deal, but she could see that he was proud, "Nah, it was nothing, Shepard."

She leaned over and pressed her lips to his, the stale taste of tequila and liquor still on his breath as she kissed him thoroughly, one hand cupping his rough stubbly cheek and the other squeezing his hand tightly. She liked a lot of things about Vega; his strength, his combat ability and his sweetness, but she especially like the way he kissed. It made her feel like the most desirable woman in the world.

"How did I get so lucky?" He spoke quietly, almost as though he wasn't aware that he was speaking out loud, and Rennah smiled at his soft words.

"I like you a lot, James Vega." She whispered the words against his mouth as she held him close, her eyes burning into his, "And after we get back to the Citadel and have that dinner, it's going to be fireworks between us. I can _promise_ you that."

He stared at her with disbelieving eyes, as though she'd taken him by surprise with her statement, "Lola…!"

She stood up, smirking at the thought that she had managed to leave a flirt like Jimmy Vega speechless with such a simple comment. It had been too long since she'd let go of the rigid control she always had over her emotions and over her body, and it felt good to let herself care about someone. Letting go of all of her usual fears and doubts about men and relationships was so easy when she was with James; he made her feel good.

And he looked damned fine with his shirt off.

* * *

**A/N – See? Fluff! But important relationship building fluff! Please drop me a review and let me know what you thought.**


	20. Never Let You Down

_Disclaimer: I don't own Mass Effect_

**A/N – A really busy week for me and I had almost no time to write. I managed to cobble together this chapter though and I hope everyone enjoys it! Apologies for any typos – I have done a quick edit but I'm exhausted!**

* * *

The earth shook beneath James' feet as another three fiery meteors smacked into the ground and fresh waves of cannibals, marauders and husks emerged from the flames. Shrieking and screeching, they joined the rachni and brutes already besieging the krogan soldiers, and James and Garrus ejected thermal clips almost in unison as they prepared for the onslaught. When the first of the fast-moving husks swarmed forward, their eerie blue eyes visible through the dust and smoke, James was ready for them and he put down a swathe of them with his shot gun, only dimly aware of other krogan firing alongside him.

There was no time to think or breathe in between the waves of troops, the only thing to do was to keep firing, and hope to distract the Reapers long enough for Shepard to follow Eve's plan and summon Kalros. Without warning another ear-splitting sizzling sound cut through the air as the Reaper fired its beam again, and James winced as he dove for cover and kept low until the deafening sound had stopped. The Reaper had been indiscriminately destroying anything its path, friend or foe, as it attempted to take down the turian fighters that were harrying it, and James has already seen several unwary krogan fall victim to it.

They'd been on Tuchanka for three long bloody days, and the in those days James had seen and done things which he'd never expected to ever find himself doing on the Krogan home world; retaking an ancient Krogan cannon that Cerberus had tried to seize, saving a stranded turian platoon and disarming the biggest goddamned bomb that he'd ever seen. Now, as though curing the genophage wasn't challenge enough, they'd come face to face with a Reaper and James had relearned what terror felt like.

He didn't usually feel fear or anxiety in the middle of a fight, he was usually too busy staying alive, but this fight with the Reaper was _different_ ; he was alternatively awed and terrified by the huge synthetic creature as it sat huddled in their path like a giant bloated tick, firing off its beam and wrecking destructing upon anything it hit. If he was honest though, the real reason he was so frightened wasn't the Reaper itself, but that he'd lost sight of Shepard some time ago, and his world had narrowed down to the few feet in front of him that he could see as he tried to focus on staying alive and killing as many of the reaper troops as he could.

It was easier said than done, as the Reapers were landing troops here in force and every time he took down one creature another two would emerge screaming from the Tuchanka haze. He was running low on grenades, low on ammo and low on medigel, and the only reason he wasn't already dead was because his speed and agility had kept him one step ahead of the grasping hands of husks. When he'd last seen Shepard, she'd taken one look at the hordes of brutes that stood between her and the maw hammers that she needed to activate to summon Kalros, and had muttered something about making a run for it before she had surged forward and vanished into the seething mass of reapers.

He knew she could handle herself, she _was_ Commander Shepard, but seeing her charge forward into the path of a Reaper had filled him with dread, and once the Reaper had started firing its laser and stabbing its front legs towards the battle, his fear had magnified. For all of her confidence and for all of the legends that had sprouted up around her, Rennah was still just a solider and a regular person, and James knew better than most that she was fallible. She bled red blood, her bones broke and she could be killed the same as he or Garrus; running headlong towards a Reaper on a field streaming with brutes was madness, and if it had been anyone other than Shepard he would have thought they were running to their death.

It was odd, but despite the almost constant battles he had been fighting against both Cerberus and the Reapers over the past three days, he could honestly say that they had been some of the best days of his life. It was all because of Shepard, of course. When he'd woken up on the couch to find Shepard in his arms, he'd wanted to freeze the moment and stay like that forever. He'd stayed as still as he could as he held her in his arms; greedily memorising the feel of her warm skin tingling against his and inhaling the intoxicating biotic scent that clung to her skin and reminded him of rain. When she stretched and woke up he'd been sure it would all be over and she'd retreat from him again, so he'd kissed the top of her head and cuddled her against him before he lost his nerve.

Then he'd waited as she'd stretched on his body, _god how he'd wanted her,_ all soft curves and firm muscles, and had sat up to sleepily look down at him. He'd waited for her to pull away or to accuse him of taking advantage of her, to look at him with disgust in her eyes; but she hadn't. She just sleepily looked at him with a kind of softness that had made him melt inside, the look in her eyes so open and honest that he'd almost fallen in love with her all over again.

Tough as it had been to stop himself from making love to her the night before, he'd known it had been the right decision that morning when she'd thanked him with that look in her eyes and kissed him. _Madre de Dios!_ _That kiss!_ It hadn't been like their other kisses when they'd both been riding high on passion and lust, this kiss had been simple and honest with real emotion behind it. He'd never forget waking up with Shepard snuggled against him or that slow kiss for as long as he lived.

James realised the Reaper had ceased firing and he carefully came out of cover carefully, looking for both Garrus and the Reaper troops as he peered through the billowing dust. A bright blaze of blue caught his attention and he squinted through the murky air as he loaded up his final thermal clip; was that Shepard's biotics? Was she down there? He couldn't hear anything because of the noise of fight around him, but the dust briefly parted and he did indeed see Shepard charging through the Reapers.

He'd seen her fight many times before, but he'd never watched her afar; she was amazing. Her charge was so fast that he could barely follow her movement as she zigzagged across the field and charged into a brute that got in her way. Shepard hit the ground with a nova and the brute and husks that were in her path were hurled sideways by the force of the biotic blast, and then she was gone again, hidden behind another billowing cloud of dust as she determinedly charged forward. He wanted to hold his breath until he saw her again, but the dust was too thick and the Reaper troops too numerous for him to let himself get distracted.

He took out a marauder that rolled into view as it tried to escape a krogan, and then paused as he heard the unmistakable sound of the second maw hammer. For a heartbeat there was silence as even the Reaper troops stilled and listened as the ground began to rumble ominously; _something was coming_. James was sure he could feel the ancient stone blocks shifting under him as he heard the shrill cry of a thresher maw echo through the air. The sound died away and there was silence again…and then Kalros burst up out of the sand and smashed through the ancient ruin they were standing on as it launched itself at the Reaper.

James watched in awe as the two giants began to wrestle, and would have stood there watching until the battle was decided, but the ground heaved beneath him and he realised the ruin he was standing on was shifting under him and he cursed as the stone began to crumble and collapse onto the desert below. The block he was on abruptly fell from beneath him and he cursed again as he was forced to leap and dodge from block to block as the structure gave way chunk by chunk, only stopping once he reached a point where the stone felt more secure and he could stand safely.

_And to think my father thought I was an idiot for taking gym in highschool…_

"Vega? Garrus? Do you read me?" Shepard's voice, exhausted and exhilarated, buzzed through his transponder.

"Loud and clear, Commander." James watched as the giant thresher maw curled itself around the Reaper and began to drag in down under the ground, the synthetic fighting and struggling the entire way down.

"I'm heading to the shroud with Mordin." She paused and he could tell she was watching the Reaper get pulled underground too, "You and Garrus get back to the shuttle. We'll meet you there when we're done."

"Understood." James disconnected and watched as the Reaper's lights flickered out and it was finally pulled under the sand, Kalros coiled around it tightly as it vanished from view.

_Good riddance._

* * *

Shepard was stretched out on the lounge in her room, her head resting on one of the armrests and her booted feet on the other. The tears that had threatened to fall when Mordin had decided to let himself die were still burning at the back of her eyes and her throat still felt tight. But she wouldn't cry; crying was weak. Mordin had made his decision and she respected that, but it didn't make his loss any easier to take. That damned Salarian had understood her better than anyone else had when she'd been working for Cerberus.

_Fuck tears!_ Rennah curled her hands into fists and felt her nails bite into her palms, the pain helping to chase back the tears and remind her that Mordin had known the score. He'd gone up into the shroud to fix the sabotage knowing full well that he wasn't coming back; so she wouldn't shed any tears for him. She'd miss him, she knew that; she'd miss his bad singing and his dry sarcastic sense of humour, but mostly she'd miss the way Mordin had known where she was coming from.

He'd understood that sometimes that line in the sand had to be crossed; not because you wanted but because sometimes there was no other way to get the job done. He'd known that sometimes good people did terrible things for the right reasons, and that rationalising your way through pain and regret was all part of the job when you made decisions that the lives of billions depended on. Mordin, more than even her closest friends, had understood the cold and ruthless calculus of war that was a part of her life.

Sighing, Rennah rolled onto her side and winced as the armour she was still wearing bit into her hip. It was true, she reflected to herself, that she'd never been _especially_ close to Mordin, but he'd understood her, respected her decisions, and had saved her life on several occasions so respecting _his_ final decision was the least she could do. She would grieve for him quietly, but she wasn't going to spend another moment of her life crying for other people and the decisions they'd made.

"Commander? James is requesting to see you, shall I send him up?" Traynor's lilting voice came over the loudspeaker and Shepard jumped at the unexpected sound, almost groaning as she exhaustedly dragged a hand over her aching eyes.

Being around other members of her crew right now was the last thing she wanted to do, but James was the exception to the rule. The thought of seeing him, even in her tired state, sent a rush of _something_ through her body; it was like the rush she got before battle. It made her heart beat a little harder, made her skin tingle and brush a flush of heat between her legs. It didn't help that she could still remember what his mouth had felt like on her breasts, or how huge and hard he'd been as she'd ground her hips against him.

_Down girl! Save it for the Citadel…_

"Yep, that's fine." She managed to squish the memories back down and her voice, when she replied, was pretty normal sounding.

Shepard ignored the protests of her aching muscles as she forced herself up into a sitting position, suddenly wishing she had cleaned herself up instead of returning to her room and falling onto the couch like a lump. She'd never really felt the need to go out of her way to look good for anyone before, but James always managed to look well groomed and adorable, and Rennah was pretty sure she just looked like a bloodstained mess most of the time.

_Aaaw, you want to look pretty for your new boyfriend?_

Shepard determinedly ignored the sarcastic little voice; she'd had to do that a lot since the other night when she and James had almost slept together on the lounge. Giving into James' advances and actually dating him had never been part of her plan, and in the back of her head lurked the fear that she was making a terrible mistake by doing so. After all, there were regulations against this kind of thing for very good reasons, not to mention that the last time she'd gotten involved with an Alliance officer it had been the worst mistake of her life.

_But_ she wasn't going to let doubts ruin everything for her. Over the past few nights she'd given a lot of thought to the situation between herself and James, and the more time she spent thinking about her life and her feelings for him, the more she wanted to throw caution to the wind. She was sick of being alone and although she still wasn't sure what she and James were to each other or where their relationship was going, she was content to just spend time with him and get to known the man behind the lieutenant.

She heard the door whoosh open and her heart began to beat a little faster as she craned her neck and saw James hovering in the doorway. He'd obviously showered and cleaned himself up while she'd been lying on the couch thinking about Mordin, and it made her even more aware of how much she probably stank of sweat and blood. Still, James had seen her looking and smelling much worse, and if he hadn't been turned off yet, he probably wasn't going to get turned off now.

"I'm on the couch." Shepard managed to raise one arm and wave him over, but even that movement made her muscles ache and sent a wave of exhaustion through her; she'd hadn't pushed herself and her biotics this hard in a long time.

He closed the door behind him and lightly came down the stairs, surprising graceful considering his impressive size, "I, uh, wasn't sure if you were wanting company but I thought I'd come by and see how you are." He came to a stop in front of her, his brown eyes concerned as they swept over her from head to toe, no doubt noting all the signs of fatigue she was showing, "It was a hell of thing Mordin did; sacrificing himself to help the krogan."

"Yeah, he was brave. Crazy, but brave." She let herself flop back against the couch and winced again as the armour pushed into muscles that were already bruised from charging into brutes.

James frowned, "Are you hurt?"

Rennah shook her head, "No, just sore. My new implant lets my biotics run hotter for longer, but my body wasn't quite up to taking all the punishment." She tried to roll her shoulder to ease some of the tension, but even that movement hurt and she winced again.

He came closer and confidently sat down beside her, smelling faintly of soap and aftershave as he gave her a cheeky grin, "Do you want help taking your armour off?"

Shepard grinned back, "That sounds suspiciously like a proposition, Mr. Vega."

"Me? Proposition you? _Never_!" James gave her an innocent look, but the sparkle in his eyes betrayed him and Shepard shook her head at his flirting.

"You're incorrigible, but as it happens you can help me take it off." She reached up to the inside of the neck of her armour where the quick release catch was and pressed it hard, "No funny business though, I don't think I can take it after the beating I gave myself."

"No funny business." James promised, "I'll be good."

Shepard took him at his word and held the catch down on her armour. There was a moment of silence and then she heard the sound of the armour plating unlocking, and she slowly and carefully started removing her gauntlets while James took off her shoulder plates and then her boots. They worked in relative silence and James stayed disappointingly true to his word and kept his hands business like as he helped her remove her armour, although she was certain he must have been temped when he helped her pull the top half of her armour over her head.

Once she was free and was left sitting in only a pair of skin tight shorts and a black tank stop Shepard stretched and winced, "I haven't been this sore since my first round of N7 training." She complained as her muscles ached with each movement.

"Well, you pushed yourself pretty hard." James' eyes roamed her body, but the look in them was concern more than lust, and he very carefully ran his hands over the bruises that were forming on her shoulders and upper arms, "What does it feel like when you charge into people like that?"

"I don't know, I guess it feels a lot like bull-rushing at a person normally, I mean, I hit people harder but I have a biotic field up which protects me from most of the impact." She shrugged and then sighed as James carefully manoeuvred her around so that she was sitting with her back to him and began a very careful massage on her shoulders, neck and back.

His hands were firm and strong as he kneaded her tight, abused muscles and Shepard let herself relax as he worked. The sensation of his hands on her back, even through the fabric of her top, felt almost as good as the pressure he was putting on her muscles; it was heaven. She sighed and let her head drop forward as he worked some of the knots out of her back, it was as though he instinctively knew where she wanted him to press harder and where she wanted him to ease off.

"Feel better?" He asked as he moved his hands up to her neck, carefully avoiding her amp port.

"Mmmhmm." Rennah couldn't form words properly, she was too blissed out from the massage and too tired from the fight today. James laughed softly and leaned forward to lay a gentle kiss on one of her shoulders, his lips warm against her skin. The sensation sent tingles through her body and she shivered, "You said no funny business." She reminded him distractedly.

"Shepard, there is nothing funny about a kiss." He playfully chided her as he slid his arms down her neck and then down her arms, carefully pulling her back against him so that her back rested against his chest and then slid his arms around her waist and rested his head against hers.

She let herself lie in silence against him, feeling the rise and fall of his chest and listening to the sounds of the ship around them. A week ago she never would have guessed that she would be lying here like this with James, but there was no sense in acting as though she didn't enjoy it. Her feelings for him had crept up on her, but she had a feeling that for James things may have been bubbling away for a lot longer; he'd kept in professional on Earth but his little admission about being a fan had made her curious.

"James?" She asked softly as the silence stretched on, "When did you first realise you liked me?"

"Uh," James shifted behind her, as though he wasn't sure how to answer, "Well, I always thought you were pretty hot, but it wasn't until that day the Batarians attacked us on Earth that I realised just how much you'd come to mean to me."

Shepard nestled into him as she remembered that day and he tightened his arms around her waist, "I'll never forget seeing you standing there ready to take that bullet for me that day."

"Yeah, I was pretty brave…"

"You were pretty _stupid_." She sat up and twisted around to look at him with a frown, "If I hadn't charged forward and knocked you out of the way you would have been killed…"

James scoffed and shook his head, "…and instead you almost got yourself killed. Do you have any idea of the hell that Anderson put me through when he heard that you'd been shot in the chest and head? And that you took the head shot trying to save _me_?

"Don't worry, he gave me an earful too." She reassured James as she turned back and rested her back against his chest again, closing her eyes and relaxing into his warmth, "I couldn't let you die though; not for me."

"There's no one else I'd rather die for." He said quietly, "You mean more to me than anyone else in the galaxy."

Shepard wasn't sure what to say to that, or even if a reply was expected, so she just took his hands and squeezed them gently. The quiet emotion in his voice was more than she had expected, but the tone soothed the voice in the back of her head that lived in constant fear of being hurt again. Trusting people had never come easy, and allowing herself to care intimately for someone was even harder. People had a tendency to promise the world when it suited them and then let you down when you became inconvenient, but there something in the way James spoke about his feelings for her that reassured her in a way that his words never could.

James, she knew now, would never let her down.

* * *

**A/N – A nice cosy scene at the end there as they closer to each other and Shepard lets her guard down. The next chapter is there return to the citadel – which means some conflict with Kaidan, saving the councillors and an unorthodox dinner date!**

**Hope you liked this chapter – please review!**


	21. After All These Years

_Disclaimer: I don't own Mass Effect_

**A/N – This was a tough chapter to write and it took a lot longer than I thought it would so my sincerest apologies for that. There is a lot of character building that sets up things to come, unfortunately I didn't get up to the date on the Citadel...sorry! On the plus side it does mean that the next chapter is starting with the date and going _fun_ places from there.**

**A big thank you to everyone who reviewed the last chapter and a special thank you to Jules Hawk for your advice on editing this chapter down to a reasonable size!**

* * *

As soon as Shepard saw Joker's face she knew that something was wrong; he was on an emergency com channel and was speaking quickly with that tense look on his face that usually meant trouble. The Normandy had been holding her position in the Citadel docking bay for several minutes now while they waited for a response to their hails, and while the Citadel was frequently busy, waiting this long for a simple reply to a request to dock wasn't just unusual; it was suspicious.

Joker finished his call and turned to face her with a grim look on his face, "Bad news, Commander."

"Is there any other kind?" She tried not to look exasperated, but it was hard when it felt like lately everything that could go wrong, had gone wrong. All she wanted to do was drop Jack off for reassignment, see the Salarian Councillor about Udina and have dinner with James, but obviously none of those things were happening anytime soon. "I'm guessing the problem at the Citadel is something more than a downed transponder?"

"Yeah, much more. I managed to get in contact with Thane on an emergency band and our ol' pals at Cerberus have launched a full scale invasion on the Citadel. Thane's on the presidium level hiding out and he says that C-Sec has been completely overrun."

"Cerberus? _Great_." Rennah ran a hand through her dark hair and felt the all-too familiar surge of hate blossom in her chest. "Get us as close to C-Sec headquarters are you can. We'll land in the shuttle and try to help them."

Joker turned back to the controls, the grim look staying on his face as he manoeuvred the Normandy out of the docking bay and towards C-Sec, "Sure thing, Commander."

Rennah left Joker to it and quickly sent off messages to James and Garrus to gear up and meet her in the shuttle bay, and to Cortez to prep the shuttle for a combat drop. She had no idea why Cerberus would attack the Citadel or what they were after, but whatever the reason it wasn't going to be good. Cerberus had exactly never been an altruistic group, but the Illusive Man's recent obsession with indoctrination had pushed them into the 'evil organisation' category.

Their plans to capture her for their Phantom Initiative made her nervous, angry and anxious all at once. The information they'd pulled from the Cerberus data pads and laptops, although limited, hadn't filled her with love and joy for her former employers. Cerberus was using indoctrination to brainwash and control their soldiers, and were upgrading them with Reaper tech to make them deadlier on the battlefield. The Phantoms, whatever they were, appeared to be surgically altered biotics with implants that made them faster, stronger and more agile than the average soldier.

It had taken Shepard all of a microsecond to decide that if Cerberus did manage to get their hands on her, she'd kill herself before allowing them to indoctrinate and experiment on her; she wasn't going to be anyone's puppet ever again.

* * *

The Citadel was almost unrecognisable, and C-Sec had clearly taken the brunt of Cerberus' attack; fires were still smouldering, scorch marks from explosions blackened the walls and every few metres they found the bodies of more C-Sec officers. Most of them had been executed with a bullet to the back of the head, but a few of them had obviously been killed in the ensuring fight. James couldn't help but find the lack of Cerberus bodies disturbing; it was painfully clear that the C-Sec officers hadn't stood a chance against Cerberus' tactical strikes.

The initial push to clear out the C-Sec docking bay had been successful, and they'd left Commander Bailey back at the main desk after they'd helped drive Cerberus out of the immediate area. For the last quarter of an hour they'd been working their way through corridors and security offices as they tried to find the missing Salarian councillor. It was tough work and very slow going, but they were slowly making headway through the building.

Ahead of him, Shepard pulled up outside of the Executors office and took cover on one side of the door, listening carefully before she gestured silently for Garrus to take cover on the other side, and for James to open it. He moved forward lightly on the balls of his feet and hit the door control, pulling back and raising his assault rifle as the door opened and Garrus and Shepard swung around and entered with their weapons raised.

"Shit." Shepard swore quietly as she took in the scene behind the door; the Executor and some salarian bodyguards had been executed and their blood was splattered all over the walls and floor.

James frowned at the bodies strewn around the executor's office and then turned to watch Shepard as she walked towards the windows, "There's no sign of a struggle, Commander. I'd say the councillor can't be far away."

Shepard glanced back at him and nodded, but he could see the frustration in her face and her back was rigid as she turned to gaze out of the plate glass window. James tightened his hand on his gun and fought the urge to go to Rennah and soothe her, and to let her know that she didn't have to hold everything inside. He could understand why she was so upset; it was almost as if Cerberus was deliberately making things difficult for humanity in the war against the Reapers.

Shepard abruptly raised her gun as something black and vaguely human shaped dropped past the window, "Dammit! We have movement downstairs!"

He wasn't sure what she had seen, but before he could blink she'd shot the glass out of the window and leaped out, her biotics flaring as she vanished down the two story drop. James wheeled around and ran for the door, Garrus hot on his heels as they moved as fast as they could to catch up with Shepard. He could hear the high pitched voice of the salarian councillor, shrill with fear, and the Shepard's voice, filled with a calm anger that sent shivers down his spine, but it was the third voice, gruff and low that made him hurry. As he and Garrus rounded the corner with their guns raised, he saw what Shepard had seen; a Cerberus assassin.

He and Shepard were slowly circling around each other, the assassin carefully keeping the salarian councillor between them as a living shield. Like Shepard, the assassin had jet black hair, pale skin and moved with a cat-like grace that made James suspect that the man had a martial arts background. He was clearly a biotic, but it was the sword he was gripping in one hand that gave James the shivers; a sword was very brutal and personal way to kill.

"Shepard! Udina is trying to take over the Citadel!" The Salarian councillor was talking even faster than normal, his eyes darting nervously from the assassin and back to Shepard as they circled around him, "He's working with Cerberus and he's going to kill the other councillors."

"Then he's just earned himself a bullet in the head." Shepard's voice was perfectly calm, but there was a rage in her eyes that alarmed James.

Every now and again, although he loved her and wanted to be with her, she scared him. Her dark side was very dark indeed, and when she went to that shadowy place inside of her that let her kill and hurt people, he sometimes wondered how hard it was for her to come back. He knew she was a Spectre and an N7 and that meant she had to be willing to do whatever it took, but the anger and hate inside of her was unsettling.

The assassin laughed, a low chuckling sound that made James want to shoot him, "You'll have to get through me first."

"Not a problem, ninja boy." Shepard smiled and held her gun steady as they moved, matching him other step for step. "Why not come closer and try your luck with that blade?"

"Why not indeed?" He chuckled again, "But first I need to tidy up this loose end…"

The assassin made as if to move towards the salarian councillor, and that was when James saw Shepard's friend Thane jump over a low table right behind him with his gun out. How the drell had managed to get so close without any of them seeing him was a mystery, but for a sick man his movements were quick and controlled. He moved up close in a movement that was fluid and graceful, and brought the barrel of his gun within inches of the assassin's head.

"Not today." Thane's voice was low and dangerous, and as he squeezed the trigger all hell broke loose.

The assassin moved in a blur to knock the gun aside and slashed at Thane with his sword; the drell only just avoiding the blade as they moved around each other like liquid shadows. Shepard, dodging the lightning fast combatants, pulled the councillor out of the way and signalled for Garrus to guard him. The two men moved so quickly that James knew he didn't have a hope of getting a clear shot, but he followed the fight with his gun anyway, his adrenaline running high as they fought.

The fight was over as fast as it had begun; one moment it looked as though Thane had the upper hand and the next the assassin had moved under and up in a move that James wouldn't have thought possible. He thrust the blade of his sword through the drell's chest and for a moment Thane hung suspended, impaled on the sword. Then his gun dropped from his hand and he slid to the ground, collapsing onto the floor as the assassin pulled his blade free.

"Thane!" Shepard's gasp of disbelief was barely audible, but it was enough to pull the assassin's attention back to her, and whatever he saw on her face must have been _bad_ as the assassin abruptly turned and ran. She went after the Cerberus operative with an audible growl of fury, and James hesitated for a split second, torn between wanting to help her chase down the assassin and wanting to help Thane.

Garrus made the decision for him as he knelt and helped his friend up, his eyes flashing angrily at James, "Dammit Vega! Help her get that bastard!"

Shots echoed from down the hall where the Shepard had vanished, and James launched himself after them as he left Garrus to tend to Thane, his own fury at Cerberus starting to reach boiling point. Whoever this guy was, he was going to pay for what he'd done…

* * *

The elevator doors closed behind them and Shepard clenched her teeth as they began to move upwards, furious that the assassin had eluded her despite them chasing him all over the Citadel. Her head was aching fiercely where a goddamned Cerberus solider, who she suspected was a Phantom, had slammed it into the wall before attempting to run her through with a sword. Luckily, although the woman had been fast, _she_ had been faster and she'd managed to shatter the blade with a biotic blast before she'd taken the broken knife and shoved it into the woman's helmet, cracking the faceplate and revealing the pale, vein covered face beneath.

She'd only had a glimpse of that twisted face, but it had been enough to see that the woman under the armour had been extensively altered with implants and surgery. There hadn't been time for a close inspection, so Shepard had tossed her body to the floor as soon as she'd seen that the blade had gone straight through one eye and deep into her skull. If that was what Cerberus had in store for her, than she was going to fight even harder not to let herself end up like that _thing_ ; it had looked more Reaper than human.

"Shepard, are you alright?" James was beside her, his eyes scanning the elevator shaft as they hurtled upwards, "You're bleeding pretty badly."

She could feel the blood trickling down her face but there was no time for medigel so she ignored it, "It's nothing."

More than anything she was feeling physically and mentally tired, but she wasn't going to tell James that. Her new L5n implant was a lot more powerful than her old one had been, and the downside to being able to use such strong powers with such a short cooldown period was exhaustion. Jack had warned her about it and recommended that Shepard start carrying some sort of high energy snack, but she hadn't had to do something like that since she was a teenager, so she'd ignored what she though was condescending advice.

She was starting to wish that she hadn't.

"I've stopped the elevator that has the assassin in it, and I'm slowing the elevator down that has the council in it. You'll have to make a jump for it, Commander." Bailey's voice crackled out from Shepard's omni-tool and she nodded, momentarily forgetting that he couldn't see her.

"Understood." She moved to the edge of the elevator with Garrus and James, all three of them waiting for the council elevator to come level with theirs before they jumped across.

As she made the leap, Shepard felt a wave of dizziness wash over her, and her vision spun briefly as she landed, disorientating her enough that she stumbled and fell to her knees. There was the sound of voices from below her as the elevator slowed, and she found her feet quickly enough as someone below fired up at them; clearly under the impression that they were Cerberus soldiers. As the elevator stopped completely, Shepard heard the doors open and the people inside rush out, registering with surprise that she could hear Udina _and_ Kaidan's voice from below, along with the other councillors.

"Sounds like Kaidan's with the council." Garrus muttered as he bent down and wrenched an access panel off, checking inside the elevator before gesturing for Shepard and James to precede him down, "Do you think he's the one that almost shot you just then?"

"Probably." Shepard grumbled as she lowered herself through the panel. James followed her down and landed lightly and far more gracefully than she had, and he reached up and took Garrus' sniper rifle for him as the Turian awkwardly came down through the hole; his armour scraping the sides with metallic shrieks.

Shepard moved off without waiting for them; she knew that the two men would be behind her within moments. They were a good team and she was relieved that Vega had continued to follow her orders professionally, despite their relationship becoming more intimate than Alliance regulations allowed. They hadn't slept together yet, but they were seeing each other romantically and they both knew it was only a matter of time before they did.

James and Garrus fell in beside her as she left the building; the councillors and Kaidan standing only a few metres away with a smoking shuttle behind them. Instantly she aimed her gun at Udina and Garrus sealed and locked the door behind them to stall Cerberus. She and James came to a stop and kept their weapons raised, a small flicker of annoyance springing to life inside of her as Kaidan instantly raised his own gun at her, confusion and doubt on his face.

_So much for trusting me!_

"What's going on, Shepard?" Kaidan's voice was low and his eyes, normally so warm, were troubled as he watched her over the handgun.

She ignored the hurt that welled up as Kaidan continued to aim his gun at her, and instead concentrated on keeping her gun trained on Udina, "Udina's staging a coup." She briefly flicked her gaze at Kaidan and met his eyes as she tried to make him see sense, "He's trying to seize power from the council."

She heard Udina scoff and she moved her attention back to him, letting him see the fury and hate in her eyes; _he_ was the reason that so many innocent men and women had lost their lives today. Udina's thirst for power meant that helpless people were losing their homes, livelihoods and families, and for what? So he could have a little more power? Udina had never been a friend to her, but to do something like this lowered him even further in her estimation. He was the worst kind of scum! He was less like a politician and more like the deskmen who had run the Reds back on Earth - men who were too clever to get their hands dirty doing any of the grunt work, but who were still responsible for every single life that had been taken and ruined by the gang members and the drugs they'd trafficked.

She'd hated those men and she hated Udina.

Even though she kept her gaze focused on the corrupt Earth councillor, Shepard was perfectly aware that both Garrus and James were now aiming at Kaidan, and she could only imagine what would happen if he didn't put his gun down. Garrus had no love for Kaidan after witnessing the incident on Horizon, and James was more than a little protective of her, so he wouldn't be pleased to see someone from _their side_ pointing a gun at her. It was a bad situation, but she wasn't going to let Kaidan screw things up with his mistrust.

"Shepard's blocking our escape!" Udina gave her a sly smile and it was all she could do not to pull the trigger and shoot him straight in his smug little face, but she knew if she did there was a chance that Kaidan might fire on her too, "She _must_ be working with Cerberus again! Shoot her, Major!"

Kaidan flinched visibly at Udina's words and she turned her focus on him as he stepped forward with his gun still pointed at her. Without thinking, she moved her gun ever so slightly so that he was in her sights and tightened her finger on the trigger, ignoring the voice in her head that was screaming for her to lower her weapon. Despite her exhaustion, she was riding high on adrenaline and she couldn't risk backing down and letting Udina win. If Kaidan _didn't_ lower his gun she'd do what had to be done; it would kill part of her to put him down, but she'd do it if he gave her no choice.

_Don't make me do it..._

Kaidan eyes narrowed as she aimed at him and, even though she could see he was torn by the situation, he took another step forward and didn't back down, "Shepard, put your gun down! _Please_!"

 _He won't shoot me,_ Shepard realised as he aimed at her, _he's trying to be the brave Alliance soldier but he doesn't have the ability to shoot someone he loves._

"Kaidan, you know me." She watched him struggle as he fought against whatever prejudices he was still carrying, but pressed her advantage when she saw him falter. "You said you'd _trust_ me."

"I want to trust you, but you're pointing a gun at a councillor and that doesn't inspire trust!"

She shook her head in denial and softened her expression just enough to show Kaidan that she wasn't enjoying this standoff any more than he was; "I just saved the salarian councillor's life! Udina tried to have him killed because he has evidence against him – I can't risk Udina hurting anyone else."

"She's lying! Shoot her, Major!" Udina had started moving behind Kaidan, using him as a shield as he slowly made his way over to the control panel for the door, "We have to get those doors open before Cerberus gets us!"

"You open those doors and your dead!" Garrus growled angrily and adjusted his aim so it was pointed at Udina. "There's a Cerberus assassin back there and you know it!"

The tension was so thick in the air that Shepard was sure that one of them was going to pull the trigger at any moment. She'd never thought it would come to this; even when Kaidan had hurt her on Horizon and she'd hated him with every fibre of her being, she'd never thought they'd ever actually draw on each other. _It hurt._ It hurt more than she'd thought it would to see him watching her over his pistol, his face tight as he struggled between trusting her and trusting Udina.

 _This is why I can't be with you_ , Shepard thought at Kaidan as she waited for him to make his move, _this is why I have to move on and be with someone who trusts me._

"Shepard," Kaidan's eyes were pleading, and she felt a wave of sadness move through her as she met his eyes over their guns and saw just how hard he found it to believe her, "put your gun up before someone gets hurt."

"I can't! Udina is the bad guy, not me! You know I've always stayed true to the Alliance and to the Council!" A thread of emotion crept into her voice against her will, but it was enough and she saw Kaidan hesitate, " _You know me_."

He swallowed and a moment later nodded and lowered his gun with a sigh as his eyes softened, "I'd better not regret this."

"You won't."

Shepard was almost dizzy with relief and the tension drained out of her as Kaidan turned to face Udina, all four of them now aiming at the Councillor. He glared at them with his narrow beady eyes, his weasel like face twisted into a hateful expression as he scowled at her and then at Kaidan. In that moment Shepard realised why Udina had made Kaidan a Spectre; it wasn't just because of his service record and because he was a brilliant soldier, it was because Udina had thought Kaidan hated her. He'd expected that his cries of _'Shepard is working for Cerberus'_ would provoke her ex-lover into defending the council and shooting her, and if she and Kaidan hadn't patched things up after Mars, it may well have.

"I always hated you, Shepard." He reached into a coat and pulled a gun, clumsily aiming it at her with that same hateful look on his face.

What Udina thought he was going to do against four trained assault specialists was anyone's guess, but before he could even steady his aim or squeeze the trigger, a shot rang out and Udina fell forward. His beady eyes widened with surprise as blood blossomed across his normally pristine clothing, then he slumped to the ground and was still. Shepard blinked in surprise and lowered her gun as Kaidan ejected his thermal clip and turned to look at her, his face pale as he swallowed hard and met her eyes.

When she'd heard the gun go off, she'd thought that Garrus or James had taken the shot, hell, she'd even half expected that maybe she'd pulled the trigger without knowing it; she _hadn't_ expected Kaidan to be the one to shoot Udina. After all the shit Udina had put her through over the years, she almost felt cheated.

"Someone's coming through the elevator door." James touched her shoulder lightly and she broke eye contact with Kaidan as he moved back to protect the other councillors. Shepard turned to face the door with James and Garrus flanking her, readying herself for yet another Cerberus onslaught.

The door opened and Shepard steeled herself to squeeze the trigger, her hands almost trembling with exhaustion as she waited for the inevitable. The fight at C-Sec and with the assassin had tired her out, and the shuttle crash and the charge along the presidium had taken the last of her strength. In retrospect, she should have held back a little or relied on her gun instead of on her biotics, but she was used to being able to push herself hard without any repercussions.

_Live and learn, Shepard._

"Get ready." She steadied her hand as best she could as the door opened, and gaped in surprise as Bailey and three C-Sec officers came through the doorway instead of the Cerberus assassin she'd expected.

"Bailey!" Garrus sounded almost as shocked as she felt, and Shepard lowered her gun and shook her head with a wry smile for the Commander's sneakiness.

"We got here as fast as we could, Commander." Bailey holstered his weapon and grinned at her, apparently pleased to have surprised them, "Lucky for you we chased away the Cerberus assassin and his friends; they high tailed it down the keeper tunnels." He gestured for two of his officers to escort the councillors down to the elevator and pointed for the third one to guard Udina's body.

"What about Thane?" Shepard caught Bailey's arm as he started to move past her, guilt welling up as she remembered that the Cerberus assassin had stabbed him through the chest.

Bailey's expression sobered, "He's in Huerta undergoing emergency surgery, but it doesn't look good. If you like I can message you when he's out of surgery."

"Thank you." Shepard nodded her thanks as Bailey moved past her with the councillors and C-Sec officers. She waited for them to take the first elevator down before she moved into the alcove with Kaidan, Garrus and James, and took a second elevator.

Shepard stumbled as she walked into the elevator and felt someone catch her arm when she almost fell, her vision blurring in front of her eyes. She straightened and leaned against the wall as she opened her eyes and saw that James was the one who'd caught her arm, although both Garrus and Kaidan were watching her with concern. James knew better than to ask her if she was okay when he'd already asked her earlier, but she could sense his concern for her.

"When was the last time you ate?" Kaidan moved closer to her, a slight frown on his face as he looked at her eyes and took in her pale skin. "You look like you're about to pass out."

"I may have pushed myself a little hard." She confessed, shifting uncomfortably when Kaidan gave her a ' _you should know better_ ' look. "I'm still getting used to the new implant." She didn't mention that she'd forgotten to eat breakfast and hadn't eaten a big dinner the night before.

"Right, have two of these now." He opened a pocket on his BDU and took out three energy gels, passing the small packets over her, "Take the last one in half an hour or so and you should bounce back in time for the exciting debriefings we no doubt have waiting."

Shepard took the gels and felt an embarrassing red flush creep up her face, "I know how to take care of myself, Kaidan."

"Then _eat_ them."

There was an awkward silence and she realised that both Garrus and James were watching her now with matching looks of concern, and Kaidan raised his eyebrows and looked pointedly at the gels, waiting patiently until she'd eaten two of them and then plucking the empty packets from her hands and tucking them back into his pocket. Both were lime flavour; Kaidan's favourite. She didn't instantly feel better, but the high levels of sugar and carbohydrates in the gel would kick in soon enough and she knew she'd feel better until she could eat something more substantial.

It had been stupid of her not to eat something this morning, but the incident on the Citadel had taken her by surprise and she hadn't had time to stop and think about food as she'd organised the shuttle drop. Kaidan probably thought she was out of her mind; keeping up your energy levels was extremely important for biotics. Everyone knew that biotics ate more often and more in general than regular people did.

The elevator came to a stop at the embassy level and the doors opened to reveal the eerily empty reception room, Kaidan strode out and waited for her a few metres away, giving her some privacy while she spoke to Garrus and James. She felt James straighten beside her as he realised that he wasn't coming with her and she pressed her hand against his briefly before she pulled away and turned to face them.

"Head back to the Normandy and write up statements about what happened today – I'm sure C-Sec will want them. I'm going to go with Kaidan and see Bailey." She nodded at them both and tried not to see the look of disappointment on James face.

"Sure thing, Commander." James nodded at her without enthusiasm, and Shepard wished that Kaidan wasn't standing a few metres away so she could have reassured him that they'd still get their dinner date.

Because they _were_ going to have their date one way or another.

* * *

**A/N – I know there wasn't a lot of _obvious_ relationship stuff, but this chapter had a lot of important stuff in it! I hope you all enjoyed it! The next chapter will be out soon and it's kicking off with that date!**


	22. Blasto Bites

_Disclaimer: I don't own Mass Effect_

**A/N – The date chapter is finally done. Rated M for a reason – so hide your blushing eyes if you're easily scandalised. Also, I have the ability to lose myself in lame and cheesy dialogue sometimes, so forgive me for that small eccentricity; I'm pretty sure I only amuse myself but I have no regrets.**  
  
Art in this chapter is by Choco-Minto :)  


* * *

James finished dressing in his BDU pants and his usual grey Alliance issue t-shirt and considered himself in the bathroom mirror as he ran a hand over his chin. He was tempted to shave but in the end he gave it up as a lost cause; give it half an hour and his chin would be covered in stubble again anyway. He shaved every few days or so, and he didn't see any point in going out of his way to tidy himself up when he and Shepard weren't to be going anywhere fancy for their dinner. Hell, he wasn't expecting _anything_ to be open, but she seemed to think they'd be able to get food somewhere and he wasn't about to argue with Shepard after the day she'd had.

Rennah had come back from the Citadel with two bits of bad news; Thane had died not long after coming out of surgery and Kaidan was joining the crew again.

As she told James about Thane's death in the hospital and his prayer for her, she was so calm and matter of fact that he wondered if she was bundling everything up inside of her instead of letting it out. He'd expected Shepard to cry or at least look upset, but her lovely face had been a like a mask as she'd spoken; pale and calm. The only emotion she showed had been when she'd spoken about Thane's prayer and she'd looked sad and a little bit wistful, as though she envied him the ability to pray away his guilt.

_Did Shepard want forgiveness for something she'd done?_

She told him about Kaidan joining the crew almost as though it was an afterthought; as though it wasn't a terribly important detail. James hadn't taken it quite so lightly but he'd managed to hide his initial reaction well, and he'd just made a noncommittal sound as though it didn't bother him. But it did. Of _course_ it did. Kaidan was still in love with her and their history together worried him more than he let on. Today, when Kaidan had drawn his gun on her, it had been painfully clear that he wouldn't have shot her in a million years, and the way he'd looked at her after Udina was dead had made James sick with worry.

Even worse was the way Shepard had looked at Alenko after he'd shot Udina, as though she was pleasantly surprised that he'd not only sided with her but had defended her. James had been glad to touch her shoulder and draw her attention back to the elevators, and break that connection that they had. It was stupid to get jealous when Shepard and Kaidan had broken up years ago, but he couldn't stop hearing Liara's voice in his head warning him that part of Rennah would always love Kaidan.

He'd felt even worse in the elevator when Shepard had been so exhausted she'd almost passed out, and Kaidan had ridden to the rescue again with insulting ease. All he'd been able to do was stand there like an idiot and support her while Kaidan pinpointed exactly what was wrong and helped her. Alenko was a biotic too, he'd reminded himself, and he understood Shepard in ways which James _couldn't_. That thought had made him feel inadequate, and he wasn't used to feeling that way. Even though he knew it was stupid to let it get to him, James was very quickly starting to dislike Kaidan; he hated how good looking he was, how good at his job he was, even how _nice_ he was.

So James had gone back to the ship alone and in a black mood, trying not to think about how easily Shepard had sent him back to the ship and gone off with Kaidan. Her visit had only made him feel worse…until she'd mentioned that she was still taking him out to dinner and she'd given him _that smile_ again. James had instantly felt his mood lift and he'd remembered that he didn't need to worry about Alenko. Lola was _his_ girl, and she wanted to be with him, not Kaidan. Shepard had told him to dress casually and to meet her in the Citadel docking bay. When he'd asked about where she thought they were going to get food, she'd been incredibly tight lipped and had only told him that it would be an adventure.

_An adventure..._

James ran a hand through his damp hair, decided he was looking about as good as he could under the circumstances and slapped some aftershave on. He tidied his belongings up into his locker and made his way to the elevator, his stomach fluttering nervously at the thought of being alone with Shepard again. This wasn't like getting drunk with her in the starboard observation lounge, or like sitting cuddled up with her in her room; this was an actual _date_. He wanted to impress her, to woo her and leave her feeling just as into him as he was with her.

He found Shepard lounging against a wall near the Citadel elevator, looking painfully cute in her BDU uniform with the jacket slung casually over one shoulder. Her hair was loose around her shoulders and as he came closer he could see that she was wearing just a little bit of makeup, but not too much. Like him, it seemed, she was happy to go with a casual look tonight. She smiled and pushed away from the wall as soon as he drew near and pushed the call button for the elevator, her eyes running up his body a little _too_ casually.

"Lola." He greeted her with a sexy grin and slid an arm around her waist as they waited for the elevator, pleased when she stepped into his embrace and raised her face for a kiss as though they were a normal couple.

It was a chaste pressing of the lips, but still enough to make his head spin because this was _Commander Shepard_ who he was kissing; the woman of his dreams. He could smell her perfume, the same warm spicy scent that had only a hint of floral in it, and he pulled her closer as they waited for the elevator so he could breathe it in a little deeper. They were always careful on the Normandy not to be too overly familiar with each other, after all it was an Alliance vessel and they _were_ breaking regulations, so it was a treat just to get to hold her like this.

"I like this." Shepard confessed as she stepped back, her eyes warm as they met his, "You know, just being with you like this. I hate having to watch what I say and do on the Normandy."

James felt his smile stretch a little wider, "Me too. It's nice to be able to touch you without worrying if people will guess how I feel."

The elevator opened and they stepped in, Shepard directing the elevator to the presidium level where they had fought so many of those Cerberus troops today. She noticed him watching her with a dubious expression on her face and the smile on her face took on an amused and almost sly edge as she shook her head, "Don't give me that look, Jimmy. I know exactly where to get us some dinner."

"I know better than to doubt you, Lola." He slid an arm back around her waist and pulled for close for another kiss, this time letting his hands wander down her back to slide over the curve of her backside.

The elevator slowed and they pulled away again, both of them smirking as they stepped off the elevator onto the ruin of the presidium. It was darker than normal for the night cycle, and seemed completely deserted, although James knew there would be C-Sec patrols around to stop looters. The fires were all out, though some embers were still smouldering and the air was scented with the smell of smoke. Everything was shut, just as James had known it would be, but it didn't deter Shepard who glanced around covertly and then grabbed his hand and led him out of the elevator.

"Everything's closed…"

"We're not going to a restaurant." Shepard interrupted him quietly, her voice still sounding incredibly amused, "Just try to be quiet and do what I say."

_Do what she says? Stay quiet? What the hell is she up to?_

She led him down the far end silently, keeping to the shadows and occasionally glancing back at him with eyes that sparkled in the dim lighting. She was clearly enjoying herself and James had to admit that despite having no idea what they were up to, it was a little bit exciting to be sneaking around with her in the dark. Eventually she came to a stop next to a long rectangular food dispenser that had been peppered with bullet holes and she opened her omni-tool as she dropped to one knee next to it.

"Keep a lookout for C-Sec." She told him as she turned to the broken vending machine and started to hack into it, her eyes narrowing in concentration.

He almost laughed, "A vending machine? Come on, Lola…"

"Shh!" She turned and gave him a mock-serious look, "I don't want C-Sec catching us, so keep an eye out."

"Yeah, but…" James glanced around and didn't see anyone, "This is _stealing_! You know that right?"

"Shh!" She shushed him again and turned back to the vending machine as her omni-tool bleeped warningly and she closed it with a frown, "Damn, I was never very good at this. Maybe if I…"

She abruptly kicked one of the panels hard enough that it came off and exposed the wiring underneath. She made a pleased sound and reached in, twisting some of the wires together and pulling others out. James had never been very good at tech, but Shepard looked more like she was wrecking wanton destruction on the poor vending machine than actually managing to break into it. She was making more noise now and he glanced around as he saw a C-Sec patrol approaching. They were still far away, but they'd hear the noise sooner or later.

"Someone's coming!" He hissed at her quietly, dropping lower as he glanced from her to the approaching officers. It was dark enough that they probably wouldn't see them… _probably_.

The vending machine made a loud sound and James heard the C-Sec officers shout in alarm, the sounds of their footsteps ringing out as they began to run in this direction. The machine spat out several items which Shepard grabbed, thrusting two packets of what felt like chips into his hands, and then she reached back in and grabbed more items. She shoved smaller packets into her pockets and then grabbed two bottles of drinks, she stood up just as the C-Sec officers shone a light in their direction.

"Hey! You there! Stop!" The officer's voice rang out, but Shepard only laughed and grabbed James's hand as she dragged him away.

The C-Sec officer called out for them to stop again as they bolted in the other direction, James cursing as Shepard hauled him along in the dark. They ran as fast as they could through the presidium, ducking and weaving around rubble and stalls as C-Sec tried catch them. Shepard kept hold of his hand and laughed the entire time she ran, as though this was her idea of fun, although James couldn't see what was so funny about it.

Eventually she pulled up short, let go of his hand and jumped over a railing into the gardens and James followed awkwardly, for once not the least bit graceful as they fled from the men chasing them. Shepard shushed him again as C-Sec ran past, and then led him deeper into the gardens and into a small and dark looking tunnel. He followed her in quickly, still clutching the packets of chips, and realised that this could only be a keeper tunnel.

Shepard lit the way with a small flashlight she must have had stashed in her pocket, and seemed to know precisely where she was going so James followed without question. They moved at a half-jog and he couldn't help but glance over his shoulder every few metres; he was sure that C-Sec was going to catch them at any moment, but they didn't. Eventually Shepard stopped next to a ladder and started to climb, leading him up and up and up until she swung to the side and led him out.

The keeper tunnel ended at a maintenance platform high up above the presidium, and the lights of the Citadel stretched out around them as they came stumbling out of the tunnel, Shepard still grinning maniacally. She put the drinks she was carrying down and chuckled louder, an infectious giggle that soon had James chuckling along with her. He had to admit that the idea of Commander Shepard, the first human Spectre, breaking into a vending machine and then fleeing from C-Sec was _hilarious_.

"So, do you do this often?" James asked as soon as he had his breath back, settling himself down on the ground as Shepard sank down next to him and began pulling pilfered snack food out of her pockets.

Rennah glanced at him with eyes that caught the lights of the Citadel and sparkled like diamonds, "Oh no, I only break into vending machines on _very_ special occasions. So are you ready for your feast of…" She took the chips from his hands and looked at them in amusement, "Blasto Bites?"

"Ah, Blasto Bites." James looked at gun-toting hanar on the packet and grinned wider, "The snack of Spectres!" He opened the packet and ate a few, a little voice at the back of his head wondering idly how many sit ups it would take to work off the calories, "Seriously though, how does an Alliance Commander know how to break into a vending machine?"

 

 

 

"The Reds." Shepard reminded him as she took a handful of chips and began to munch on them, wincing at the cheesy artificial flavour, "I learned how to run away from security from them too."

"Mmm, you're very good at it. The one time I had security after me I didn't make quite as stylish an exit."

Rennah laughed, "Jimmy Vega on the run from the law? There has to be a story behind that!"

"Not really, at least, not a very good one." James wished he hadn't said anything; he hated thinking about the episode in his life and how close he'd come to ruining his Alliance career before it had even started. Besides, he hated people knowing that he'd once carried drugs for his red sand addicted father; somehow he felt like he was tainted by association.

"Oh come on, I once had to elude the Alliance by crawling through sewers back in L.A. Your escape from security can't be any worse than that." Rennah seemed to sense there was something about the story that he was ashamed of and she moved closer to lean against him, resting her head on his shoulder, "We've all done things we regret. Hell, whatever you did, I can promise you that I probably did far worse when I was young and stupid."

 _She was right,_ James thought, _she'd hung with a bad crowd and had a public record with huge amounts of censored and blacked out information and the Alliance had still let her in._

"I picked up a package for my father and didn't bother to ask what was inside…"

"Ah," Shepard glanced up at him with an understanding look on her face, "and I bet there were drugs inside and the Alliance chased you, right?"

James blinked in surprise, "How did you…"

"I used to carry for the Reds when I was young, at least I did until I hit puberty and they decided I was more useful doing other work and paid for my biotic implants." She shrugged as though it was no big deal, "The Alliance used to chase me all the time, but I was small and fast and they never got me."

"That's…" He struggled to find the words to express how awful he found the thought of Shepard carrying drugs as a child and then getting biotic implants because she was more _useful_ that way. He knew she had run with the gangs from a young age, but he'd always imagined that it had been her way of rebelling and that she'd been involved in petty crime and graffiti. He didn't even want to think about what use the Reds would have had for a young biotic teen.

"It's the past." She said softly, "Besides, I didn't exactly have a choice in the matter; I had no family, no friends, no home and I was too young to know any better."

James wrapped an arm around her and pulled her closer, easily able to imagine a tiny little child-like version of Rennah alone on the streets, "What about the foster system or the Alliance run children's homes…?"

Shepard laughed at that, and it was an ugly laugh that hinted at something nasty, "Look up ' _The Good Shepard's Home for Children'_ on the extranet and you'll see how good the Alliance run orphanage system was for children." She was quiet for a while as she ate more Blasto Bites and then she glanced up at him and smiled, "Anyway, all that stuff happened a long time ago, and I'd rather focus on the here and now."

"There here and now is good." James agreed, letting the topic slide since the last thing he wanted to do was bring up bad memories tonight, and instead he gestured to the Citadel around them, "It's beautiful up here. How did you find this place?"

She glanced around, the tension easing off her face as she looked at the glowing lights of the Citadel, "Years ago I helped a salarian scientist out when he was studying the keepers. I agreed to scan some for him and I got to know the keeper tunnels pretty well while I was hunting them down." She made a face as she glanced back at the tunnel behind them, "A little too well, truth be told."

"I thought people weren't supposed to interfere with the keepers?" He nuzzled her ear as he spoke, loving how she always smelled of ozone and rain no matter how much perfume she put on.

"I may," She paused distractedly as he nibbled on her neck and then began to kiss along her neck and collarbone, "I may have forgotten to let C-Sec know what I was up to, but the keepers seemed fine."

James glanced up at her as he kissed back up her throat and along her jaw, "And you just happened to think of bringing me here today?"

Rennah laughed softly, a girly sound that was so unlike her that it made James smile and he pulled away to glance at her face. She met his eyes and they were dancing with amusement, "I came up with the idea when we were fighting away through the presidium. I tossed a Cerberus trooper into the food dispenser and realised that they were the one place to get food tonight, and then realised that a date isn't a real date unless you do something exciting, and what's more exciting than breaking a tiny little rule like stealing and sneaking into a forbidden part of the Citadel?" She nestled against him and opened up a chocolate bar which she'd pulled from her pocket, taking a tiny bite and then passing it to him.

"Stealing is a tiny little rule, is it?" He took the chocolate bar from her hands and had a bite, it was some sort of chocolate and caramel affair; the kind of sickly sweet stuff that James generally avoided and he put it down when Shepard waved it away.

"Hey, they have insurance and can claim back all the Blasto Bites we took." She glanced up at him and James snorted in amusement as he saw a smear of chocolate across her lip. "What?"

"You have some chocolate on your lip." He reached up and rubbed it off with his thumb, but before he could pull it away Rennah moved and caught his thumb between her teeth. For a moment she stared at him, her eyes watching him playfully, and then she swirled her tongue around and sucked the chocolate off.

The feel of her tongue on his skin, so wet and warm, was more than James could stand and he groaned as he hauled her into his arms so he could kiss her, his body tightening with need. Shepard chuckled throatily against his lips as she kissed him back, tasting faintly of chocolate and Blasto Bites, her tongue sliding against his as she pliably moved onto his lap. One of his hands tangled in her long hair as he pressed her close and the other slid down her back to wrap around her waist as she straddled him.

There was something magical about being up here on the Citadel with Rennah, in the cool night air and in a place they shouldn't have been. It was exciting and thrilling, and being here with her meant more than he could put into words, not just because he'd spent so many years of his life dreaming about her, but because this was _real_. Shepard had not only gone out of her way to organise a date for them, but she'd taken him somewhere special and to a place where very few other people had been.

It was like a dream.

He let himself drop backwards until his back was on the ground and Rennah was above him, her hair either side of their faces as she kissed him; her mouth moving sensually against his as she settled her body on his. The kisses were hot and needy, and when she pulled away to look down at him, the vision of her above him, surrounded by the Citadel skyline, was the most beautiful thing he'd ever seen. He'd never wanted her more than he did in that moment, and he was sure she felt the same as she gazed down at him with her magical violet eyes.

"I want you, James." Shepard spoke quietly and intensely and her hands framed either side of his face as she kissed him again and gently nibbled his lower lip, "Spend the night with me."

James desperately wanted to say something suave and impressive in that moment, but as he stared up at the woman of his dreams all he could do was nod dumbly.

* * *

They snuck back to the Normandy like two thieves in the night, keeping to the shadows and avoiding the C-Sec patrols, although both of them were aware it was all an act. Even if they'd been caught they both knew that Shepard could have pulled out her Spectre status and avoided any trouble, but it was fun to pretend otherwise.

As they approached the Normandy, the energy still crackling between them, Shepard knew in some faint part of her mind that she should be sensible and let go of James' hand and stop brushing against him every few steps, but she didn't _want_ to. It felt good to hold his hand and she didn't especially care who saw them anyway. She wasn't ashamed of what she felt for James, and she was certain that no one on the Normandy was going to give a damn when they found out.

Inside the ship, Traynor alone was at the CIC running some codes and she barely glanced up as they snuck past, although Shepard was sure that the specialist smirked a little bit when she saw them. Half the people on the ship probably suspected there was something going on between her and James by now, Shepard realised. Despite how discreet they'd been, it was hard to hide chemistry like theirs and there were always people who could see through the 'just good friends' act. Garrus, Cortez and Jack knew about them at the very least, and Garrus wasn't great at keeping his mouth shut, so it would only have been a matter of time before Liara and Traynor found out too.

 _And Kaidan_ , the little voice in the back of her head reminded her.

As soon as the elevator doors closed they were back in each other's arms again, Shepard plastering herself against James' huge frame as his hands moved all over her body. They'd been dancing around their attraction to each other for long that the desire had built up into a screaming need that was almost painful, and Shepard wanted everything that James could give her. His mouth against hers was fantastic, but she wanted to feel his mouth against other parts of her body, and as much as she loved the way his hands were making some devastatingly accurate explorations of her body, she wished that there weren't clothes to get in the way.

The elevator door slid open and they almost fell out, giggling and stumbling as they reeled towards her cabin and crashed into the door as James' mouth found hers again and she fumbled at the door to let them in. She managed to lock the door behind them and then she threw herself at James again like an animal as the burning pulse of desire continued to build to fever pitch inside of her. Both of them were burning with need, she knew, and she could feel his desire for her in every touch and look.

He caught her to him in his strong arms and she let him lift her onto her desk, ignoring the crash as data pads and keepsakes were sent tumbling to the floor as he settled her there with her legs either side of his body. As they kissed again she let her head tilt back, and she smiled wantonly as she felt his hands tugging at her jacket, pulling it off her arms and then catching her t-shirt in his hands and pulling that up and over her head. They had to pull their mouths apart briefly as her shirt was pulled off and, not to be outdone, Shepard pulled his shirt off and flung it over her head towards the bed.

She held him at a distance for a moment, drinking in the sight of his sculpted tattooed chest with his dog tags resting against it; he looked amazing. James seemed equally enthralled with the sight of her in her bra, and his eyes were burning with heat as he lowered his head and kissed his way down her neck, chest and stomach until he was kneeling in front of her. His hands moved to her hips as he slid her forward to the edge of the desk and started work on unbuttoning her pants, pressing kisses to each centimetre of skin that was revealed. Shepard wriggled slightly to let her pants slide over her hips and backside as James removed them, pulling off her boots and then tugging her pants down her long legs.

It had been months since she'd been with a man, years if you counted all the time that she had been dead, but being here with James made all that waiting worthwhile; it was as though he knew exactly what she wanted him to do. He dropped her pants to the side and then spread her legs wider as he moved between them, his chocolate brown eyes glancing up wickedly at hers as he pressed his lips against the material of her panties. He kissed her innermost part through the material and raised his face up to watch her reaction, the feel of his stubbly chin scraping along the cotton sending ridiculous shivers of pleasure racing through her very core.

"Oh, Jesus…" Shepard muttered as she fell back on her desk, crushing her personal console and catching her hair on one of her model ships.

James laughed against her and his hot breath sent her even wilder as he rolled his eyes up to look at her again, "You can call me Vega."

She laughed and sat up, determined not to let him completely control this little romp as she pushed him away from the desk, and slid off it to stand in front of him in her underwear and naught else, "Smart ass."

"Always." He murmured as he climbed to his feet and kissed her again.

His kisses were hungry, and there was an edge of determination to them as he unsteadily made his way down the stairs that led to her bed, not-so-subtly pulling her along with him and kissing her with each step. As they moved she brushed against him and she could feel how hard he was through his pants; and the feel of him so aroused because of her sent shivers of excitement through her body. Once they reached the bed he stepped away to look at her, his face dreamlike as he ran his heated gaze over her, looking as though he couldn't quite believe this was real.

When he reached forward and gently began to trace the outline of her bra, the feel of his hands on her body was enough to send her mind into meltdown again and it became hard for her to think about anything other than getting him _out_ of his clothes. She ran her hands down those wonderfully strong arm muscles and over his chest as she leaned into him and tugged the waistband of his pants, "These need to come _off_ , Mr. Vega."

"Happy to oblige, ma'am." He kissed her again and she heard him unbuckling his belt and undoing his pants, but he was too slow for her and before he could work out what she had in mind she whirled around and knocked him onto the bed using her biotics.

He made a wordless sound as she stood in front of him with her blue biotic aura washing over her, then she let it die down as she raised an eyebrow and began to undress him. She pulled off his boots and socks and then leaned over him to help him off with his pants and his briefs, although his BDU bottoms fit so snugly against him that it was almost as if his briefs came off of their own volition. She bit her lip as she stood in front of him, drinking in the sight of a naked Vega sprawled on her bed, his eyes heavy lidded with lust as he watched her hungrily.

Rennah grinned as she removed her bra with an ostentatious flourish and sent it flying across the room, noting with amusement that it hit the Geth Dreadnaught model hanging over her desk and became tangled in it. She then slid her underwear over her hips and let them fall to the floor, stepping out of them as she lowered herself to the bed and slowly crawled towards him. She planted gentle kisses on his thighs as she moved up his body, and was rewarded by a tight whimper of pleasure and his hands which had been clenched into fists, moved to grasp fistfuls of the sheets on her bed, as though he didn't trust himself to keep still.

She moved higher and wrapped one hand gently around his erect member, her eyes dancing with devilment as she glanced up and met eyes his as he watched her, his expression somewhere between pleasure and pain as she hesitated for the briefest of moments.

"Lola…"

He sounded like he was about to die, Shepard decided and she grinned at him seductively as she lowered her mouth and ran her tongue up his shaft lightly, teasingly, and then swirled her tongue around his head and took as much of him in her mouth as she could. His hips moved as she slid her mouth over him and after a few minutes he muttered something in Spanish that she couldn't understand _,_ and he caught her arms and pulled her up to him, his eyes wild as though he couldn't take any more. He crushed his mouth to hers and rolled her onto her back as he pinned her beneath him, one hand moving behind her head to hold her still and the other hand positioning his tip at her entrance.

"You drive me wild, Lola." He confessed shakily as he gazed down at her with a look that was so intensely personal that Shepard felt certain that he loved her, _genuinely loved her_ , then he slowly began to guide himself inside of her and she lost the ability think or reason at all.

The feeling of him sinking into her slick warmth, inch by inch, was the most amazing sensation she'd ever felt, and all she could do was wrap her legs around his waist and kiss any part of him she could reach. Once he was completely sheathed inside of her he began to move, slowly and carefully, and she whimpered and arched herself up towards him, raking her nails down his back. It felt amazing; better than she'd imagined, and she let herself move freely as their bodies entwined.

"James!" She could only gasp his name in encouragement as he began to move faster inside of her, driving himself in harder and deeper. The feeling of him pumping in and out, stretching and filling her, was one of the most exquisitely erotic sensations that she'd ever felt and she knew she was going to lose control of her biotics sooner rather than later.

One of James's hands slid down her body to cup her ass, and she whimpered desperately as he pulled her closer, his mouth catching hers and his tongue plunging into her mouth sensually as he continued to move over her. She could feel the first few frissons of excitement building low in her belly and she desperately tried to slow herself down and to prolong this experience, but each of his deep thrusts brought her that much closer to the edge and she could feel her control starting to slip.

She clung to his strong body as the pleasure built inside of her like a force of nature, reaching fever pitch and then shattering over her in wave after wave of ecstasy, and she cried out mindlessly with pleasure. She forgot everything except the feel of his body in hers, his mouth on her skin and the tingling of her biotics as she lost control; the blue light playing over both of their skin like an aura. Dimly she was aware of James holding onto her tightly, his grip almost crushing as his own body tightened with pleasure as he groaned her name.

How long they clung to each other in mutual bliss, Shepard wasn't sure, but when the earth finally stopped moving she realised that she'd never, ever had it this good and that James Vega had rocked her world in more ways than one; he was incredible and even better as a lover than she'd dreamed. He shifted them slightly so they were lying on their sides and she was spooned against him, and he gently kissed the back of her neck, his hands moving gently over her body as he cuddled her against him.

She smiled as she let herself sink into his embrace, and as he wrapped his arms around her and kissed the back of her neck tenderly, she realised that she never wanted this night to end. She was almost asleep when a sudden thought occurred to her and she started chuckling, a mixture of endorphins and good humour making it impossible for her to stop giggling even when James tightened his arms around her.

"What is it?" He asked curiously as he nuzzled her neck.

She sleepily lay her head down and grinned against his arm, "I'm just wondering what the keepers are going to think when they find two packets of Blasto Bites up on their maintenance platform..."

* * *

**A/N – I hope you enjoyed it! I know I did! Reviews are welcome.**


	23. A Good Morning

_Disclaimer: I don't own Mass Effect...if I did Vega would have been a romance option. Totes._

**A/N -** Thank you so much to the people who reviewed the last chapter :) in particular to Oratorio, Shaun, Dana, TLCinbflo, Candle in the Night, Spacecats, ela11, Simone the Reaper Hunter, Jules Hawk, brandischoch, NeonZangetsu  & Sita. Your response to the last chapter made me so happy and I always appreciate your feedback. You guys rock my socks. **  
**

* * *

Shepard woke up to hands moving slowly over her body; large strong hands that seemed to know instinctively where she wanted them to move next. She drifted in the place halfway between being asleep and being awake, stretching her body to its full length as she enjoyed the feeling of someone holding her as though she was precious. The hands gently slid along her curves and pulled her against a body that was all hard muscle; _James_ , she thought sleepily as she remembered the night before, _it was James who was touching her so sensually._

She let her eyes open and then close again, realising with a blissful sigh that it was still dark in her room and that meant she didn't have to get up yet, so she could surrender to his morning ministrations. His hands slid down her back to her ass, and the feel of his hands running over her sensitive skin pulled a sound of pleasure from her throat which James answered with a sound of his own. He moved one hand up her side, his fingertips feathery light, and around to massage a breast while his other hand slid between her legs, rubbing against her softly through the material of her underwear. It was a delicious sensation and she whimpered and arched her body, letting her legs fall apart slightly as she nestled closer and her back came into contact with his hard muscled chest.

Without thinking, she snuggled against his warm body and heard him grunt in pleasure as he reacted to the sensation of her buttocks grinding against him, reflexively wrapping his arms around her and kissing her neck. It felt wonderful and Rennah sleepily sighed with pleasure as his mouth trailed kisses down her neck and shoulders, his chin slightly rough with stubble and pleasantly scratchy against her sensitive skin. The hand between her legs drifted down the front of her underwear, through the silky hair at the apex of her thighs and began a more intimate exploration of her most intimate of places. He slid two fingers slid inside of her and her breath hitched as she helplessly moaned in ecstasy; it felt so amazingly _good_.

She'd been alone for so long that his gentle touches were melting her to her very core, and greedily she arched up and gasped in pleasure as she felt him slide his fingers into her a little deeper. It was better than the night before, somehow slower and more intimate, and she wriggled against him pleasantly as her body began to grow moist from his attention. She was still half asleep and strung out with desire when the hand between her legs crept back up and James wrapped an arm around her waist, pulling her into a more intimate contact with him.

James playfully nibbled the back of her neck and the pressure of his teeth pulled another sound from her as she moved against him; the firmness of his body feeling great against her softer curves. She half-turned her face towards him and reached up to pull him closer, their mouths meeting in a slow sleepy kiss. The desire she felt for him was coursing through her veins so thick and fast that Rennah knew she would have done anything he'd asked of her, just so long as he kept going.

"Lola…" James breathed her name and Shepard opened her eyes and blinked dazedly at the stars visible through the canopy above her bed, "I want you."

Her body was humming with desire as she felt him skim her underwear down her hips and legs, helping as best she could as she slipped her feet free and half sat up to gaze down at him. James was barely visible in the light from her fish tank, but she could see the outline of his face and his gloriously muscular chest, and it filled her with another surge of longing. She slowly crawled over him, leaning down to kiss her way up his rippling stomach muscles and over his chest as she settled herself over him; aching to take him inside of her again.

She guided his hardness into her tight welcoming body, biting her lip to stifle the moan of ecstasy that trembled on her lips as she slowly lowered herself onto him inch by inch, very aware of how much she wanted this too. James' hands held her waist gently, and as she began to move over him he slowly slid them up to cup her breasts, dragging his thumbs lightly across her nipples as he arched up towards her, his body meeting hers. She fought hard to keep control over her treacherous body as she moved over James with slow rocking thrusts of her hips; gentle movements that she knew were driving him wild as he enjoyed her slow lovemaking.

"God, you're amazing Rennah." James murmured as he watched her adoringly, his hands running down her waist and pulling her body against his so he could kiss her deeply. "And so beautiful."

She could only voice her pleasure with a soft cry as James abruptly rolled over and caught her beneath him, driving himself in deeper to her honeyed core; both of them moving slowly together as the intensity built between them. Every movement of his body in hers, every kiss and every touch made the delicious tension inside of her stretch and build until she could feel herself beginning to reach that dizzying height of pleasure. Her body felt as though it was possessed by an almost electric excitement, and she ached with an intolerable need as he moved inside of her with slow slick slides that brought her closer and closer to that ultimate satisfaction.

"James!" She gasped his name and wrapped her legs tightly around his waist, losing all sense of time and reason as her body seemed to ignite with pleasure and her orgasm broke over her in a mind shattering wave.

She heard him cry out and then she was engulfed in his arms again as he held her tightly, his body trembling as he lost himself in her. When her heart had stopped thundering in her chest she opened her eyes to find James watching her, his eyes reflecting the lights from the fish tank as he kissed her sweetly and held her to him. She'd never made love like this before, so slowly and sweetly, and it filled her with a peculiar sensation that she didn't want to identify, but which made her almost want to cry.

"That was a nice way to wake up." She murmured to him sleepily as she settled herself in his arms more comfortably, blinking away those confusing tears that had started to form.

"Mmm." James pressed his lips to her forehead and held her closer, "I don't want to get up and face reality." He confessed quietly.

"Me either." She agreed as she stretched against him languidly and rested her head on his chest, "I could lie here all day."

It was strange, but she couldn't remember ever feeling this contented after spending the night with anyone before, although maybe that was just because all her memories of Kaidan were tainted now. But there was something very beautiful about being here with James; she wanted to stretch out against the warmth of his body and bask there all day. She'd enjoyed being with James last night, not just the sex, although that had been mind-blowing, but all the fun they'd had together. It felt like an age had passed since she'd let herself relax and laugh with someone, and even longer since she'd let her guard down enough to enjoy herself.

After a few minutes of quietly enjoying being in each others arms, James pulled away slightly and glanced at her, "Shepard, what are we going to tell people about us?" He sounded so hesitant that Shepard almost smiled against his arm, "I mean, we're breaking regs so are we keeping this quiet? I don't want to have to hide how I feel about you, but I don't want us getting into trouble either."

Shepard glanced up at the stars above them as she considered her answer, "I'm not ashamed of being with you…"

"But?"

"But, we should probably keep everything on the low down. On duty we're Commander Shepard and Lieutenant Vega. Off duty we can be Lola and Jimmy." She rolled to face him and gently traced the scars on his face as she talked, hoping he wasn't going to think she was embarrassed about being with him. "I don't want to hide _us_ , but we have to be careful on duty not to let things get…complicated."

"Yeah, that makes sense." He nodded and sat up, his eyes understanding as he glanced at her and grinned slightly, "Don't worry, I'm not stupid enough to go chasing you around when we're on duty." His smile frayed a little around the edges as he glanced down and swallowed, "And, uh, what about Kaidan?"

Shepard tried to ignore the sudden tension that surged through her at the mention of Kaidan's name, "Everyone's going to find out about us eventually, but I'll talk to him. I mean, I've made it clear that it's over between us, but he _might_ be a little hurt."

"Of course he will be." James stood up and began picking up his clothes, casting her a slightly amused glance when he realised she was watching him, "I'd be more than a little heartbroken if the woman I loved hooked up with someone when I was planning on wooing her back."

Shepard swallowed and made herself focus, ignoring the heat that was beginning to flood her body as she watched James' muscles bunch and coil as he dressed. He was right, she realised; Kaidan was going to be hurt when he found out that she had someone new in her life. _She_ would have been gutted if he'd told her on Horizon that he had someone else in his life…but this was different. Yes, it was true that she still cared about him, but the love she'd once felt had long since cooled and faded.

"You're right." She slid off the bed and pulled a new set of BDUs and underwear from her wardrobe as she tried hard not to watch James dress, "But Kaidan's a sensible guy and he'll deal with this. In the meantime I'm going to shower, grab coffee and head to Purgatory…"

"Isn't it a little early for drinking?" Vega grinned as he finished pulling his shirt on, his charming smile making Shepard almost melt into a puddle again.

_Why did he have to be so damned attractive?_

She slung her clothes over one shoulder and tried to control her treacherous thoughts, "Aria wants to meet."

" _Ah_."

"You don't like Aria?" She hated seeing the smile slide off his face and the humour fade from his eyes; it made her feel like she'd kicked a puppy.

He twitched one shoulder in a half-shrug, "I'm just surprised that you two seem to get on so well."

"Thanks to Aria we have the Blue Suns, the Blood Pack and Eclipse lending their support to the war effort against the Reapers, so she's not all bad."

James narrowed his eyes at her as she walked past him on her way to the bathroom, "That doesn't sound much like Aria."

"Well, we're not the only ones having trouble with Cerberus." She set her clothes down in the bathroom and came out, "Cerberus managed to take Omega from her and she's a little bit sore about it. That's what we're meeting about; taking Omega back from Cerberus."

James' eyes widened and he frowned at her, "Wait, you're not going to…"

She moved in front of him, her eyes dancing with amusement at his worry, and pressed a finger to his lips to shut him up, "I'm going to talk to Aria and see what she wants me to do; _that's all_."

It was amusing how much James seemed to dislike Aria, especially since Aria was one of the few people on Omega who Shepard trusted to keep her word. The asari respected strength and power, and Shepard had both in plenty, so they'd always got on fine. Besides, so long as you were straight up with Aria and didn't threaten her power base she would play nice, it was only when she thought you were going up against her that she showed her claws.

"I'm going to shower." She pulled her finger away from his lips and leaned in to kiss him goodbye, "You know, you should probably have one too." She met his eyes and smiled wickedly, "You're welcome to share with me…"

James laughed and pulled her close, kissing her again as though he couldn't get enough of her, "Lola, if I join you in that shower we're not going to make it back downstairs before most people get up, and then there'll be no hiding _us_."

"Fine, but the offer of a shower up here with me is always open." Shepard shoved him away gently before her wicked thoughts got her in any more trouble, and watched him walk to the door, admiring how good he looked from behind until the door shut behind him.

* * *

James left Shepard showering and took himself down to use the communal bathrooms on the crew deck; it was still early and well before the time that the day cycle began, so he had the bathroom to himself. He knew that there were going to be a few people who shared his sleep cycle and had bunks near his that would have noticed that he hadn't returned to his bed that night, but the only people that were likely to call him on it were Traynor and Cortez. He could understand Shepard wanting to keep their relationship quiet since they were technically breaking fraternisation regulations, but he knew that sooner or later it was going to get around the ship no matter what they did.

He showered and dressed for the day and then let his stomach lead him to the mess; he was ravenously hungry, which wasn't surprising at all given the sparse dinner that Shepard had fed him the previous evening, followed by their energetic night together. _Dios_ , even thinking about last night made his body tighten and his blood quicken! He'd dreamed of being with her for so long that he'd been worried that the reality wouldn't quite meet his inflated expectations, but it had been quite the opposite. Never in his wildest dreams would be have guessed how fucking mind blowing and passionate their time together would be.

She was the most gorgeously responsive woman he'd ever been with, and he'd treasured every single moment he'd spent with her. The sex had been incredible, but even lying and holding her while she slept had filled him with the most incredible sense of peace. Shepard was a complex woman and the more he got to know her the more facets to her personality he was discovering. He was quite possibly in over his head with her, but if he was going to drown, he couldn't think of anyone else he'd rather go down for.

"Good morning, Mr Vega." James jumped as Cortez sauntered into the mess, his face brightening when he saw that Vega was alone and he had a chance for some gossip, "So how did things go last night, Hot Stuff?"

"Fine." Vega cleared his throat and finished cooking his breakfast, ignoring Cortez as he sidled around him and leaned against the bench to watch him dish it up. "Want some eggs, Esteban?"

"Come on, Vega! Don't try to sidestep the question." Steve waved away the offer of breakfast and smirked at James' attempts to ignore him. "We _all_ know that you and the Commander took off together last night, and _I_ know that you haven't been in your bunk all night. So you may as well fess up."

Cortez blocked his way as James tried to move around him with his food and with a sigh he put his plate down on the bench and gave his buddy a firm glare, "Look we went out, and that's all I'm saying."

"So you _did_ go out with her." Cortez grinned wider and his blue eyes shone with delight, "So, does this mean that you two are actually a thing? Or was this just a…"

James shushed him and hoped to hell that Cortez would back off from this particular topic as Kaidan walked into the mess, immaculately dressed in his BDUs and his black hair wet from the showers. He nodded at both of them as he began to fill the coffee machine, and James grabbed his plate of breakfast and dodged around Cortez as he gave him a 'shut the hell up' glare and sat down at the mess table. He'd spoken to his friend _a lot_ about Shepard and how much he liked her, but he'd never brought up the subject of Kaidan and he didn't want Steve saying something _unfortunate_ in front of him.

Unfortunately, Cortez wasn't easily deterred and though he kept his voice down, he followed Vega to the table and sat down before continued, "C'mon, Vega! You've had a thing for Shepard ever since I first met you Fehl Prime, and she wasn't even alive back then, so don't go all coy and quiet on me now."

James saw Kaidan's head jerk up as he heard what Cortez said, but other than that the Major made no movements as he waited for his coffee, although James knew he was listening to them now. He could have killed Steve for opening his big mouth at precisely the wrong moment; strangled him or stabbed him with his fork! So what if James hadn't exactly hidden his flirting with Shepard, that didn't mean that it was okay for Cortez to go broadcasting over the ship that he'd had a slight crush on Shepard for _years._

_Besides, Cortez had just made him sound like some kind of creepy stalker!_

He frowned at Cortez and slid his eyes over to where Kaidan was standing, his expression making it clear that he didn't want to talk about this in front of him, and Steve rolled his eyes as though he thought Vega was being childish. It was easy for him though; _he_ wasn't having a relationship with the commanding officer of the ship. Even though the galaxy was at war and it was unlikely that anyone would care what he or Shepard did, there was still a chance of Hackett taking an interest in them and either reassigning him or disciplining Shepard.

"Hey, I'm just trying to get a read on the situation." Steve muttered as he began to chow down on his own breakfast, "It's not like it's a big secret around the ship that you two are close."

James could feel the tension radiating from Kaidan and it was only with a huge effort that he didn't look over at him, "I don't want to talk about it, so just drop it okay."

"Whatever you say, big guy, but I want details later." Steve shrugged and let it go, but he grinned at him knowingly as he turned back to his breakfast, and James knew that Cortez was going to hound him until he got the information he wanted.

The coffee machine beeped behind them and James fought not to look surprised when Kaidan joined them at the table instead of going back to the starboard observation lounge. He'd been dreading having to interact with Kaidan like this, even though from the minute Shepard told him that she'd invited Kaidan back he'd known that this was inevitable. To make things worse, he actually felt a little bit sorry for Kaidan and he didn't want to go rubbing his relationship with Shepard in his face, especially when she hadn't had a chance to talk to him yet.

The major's face gave away nothing as he sat down and nodded at James, and then smiled pleasantly at Cortez, "I don't think I met you when I was last on board," He stretched out a hand as he introduced himself, "Major Kaidan Alenko."

Steve shook his hand and grinned, "I know who you are, Major. The second human Spectre was big news even on the Normandy."

Kaidan shrugged modestly and sipped his coffee, "It was an honour to be chosen for the job." He switched his attention from Cortez to James and his eyes narrowed almost imperceptibly, "Is Shepard up yet?"

Alenko spoke casually, but his question was so pointedly aimed at James that there was no mistaking the intention behind the question, and Vega felt himself freeze up as soon as his brown eyes clashed with Kaidan's tawny gaze. They stared at each other for less than a second as he struggled not to give anything away, after all it was possible that he was just being paranoid. _But_ it was also possible that Kaidan suspected that he'd spent the night with Shepard and was fishing for information; he had overheard Steve's comments after all.

"I, uh, haven't seen her down here yet." James managed to answer without lying but something in the way Alenko was watching him made him think that the biotic knew he was sidestepping the question, "She's normally up at this time though, so you could probably go up and see her if you need to…"

_Idiot! Don't encourage him to spend time alone with her!_

Kaidan stared at him hard for a moment and then stood up, "No, I'll catch her later. I'm sure she'll be down soon." He drained his cup of coffee and looked back down at James with a hard suspicious gaze that made his stomach turn guiltily before he took his cup back to the mess and left silently.

Cortez watched Kaidan leave and then turned back to James with a puzzled look, "What was that about?"

"Shepard's ex." James explained quietly as he glanced down at his eggs, suddenly not feeling hungry at all as the euphoric feeling that he'd carried with him since he'd left Shepard's cabin this morning faded away.

For a morning that had started out so well, he had an awful feeling that it was going to be a _really_ bad day.

* * *

**A/N** \- And there goes Kaidan like a little black rain cloud... :D I hope you enjoyed it - reviews are welcome.


	24. A Bad Day

_Disclaimer: I don't own Mass Effect_

**A/N – Thank you to everyone following along and reviewing. It means a lot to hear how much you guys are enjoying it! This chapter is mostly from Kaidan's POV so we can see the Shepard/Vega relationship from his perspective.**

**On a side note, I think I'm cursed! Since I started writing in the Mass Effect community things keep biting me! Over the past week I've been bitten by another dog and twice in my sleep by a mystery spider that made my elbow blister. I think someone's jinxing me…**

* * *

Kaidan leaned against window in the starboard observation lounge and looked out into the starry void beyond, his thoughts circling around endlessly while he fought not to let the tightness in his chest overwhelm him. The sight of all those stars stretched out in the endless black sky usually filled him with hope, but right now the stars seemed small and cold and the darkness matched his mood. It felt like he had lost control of his life and he was sinking, as though the air was too thick and he was fighting not to drown. He felt sick, hollow and utterly destroyed.

He'd suspected that something was going on between Shepard and Vega for a while now; he'd seen them on the Normandy together and had interrupted that cosy little scene in the hospital, but it wasn't until this morning that he'd actually had to face the truth. There was an ache in his chest that was getting worse by the second, and it had started as soon as he'd realised that Rennah really had moved on and was with another man. It especially didn't help that that the man she'd chosen was so much younger than he was, and seemed to be his opposite in almost every way.

It was more than just _that_ that was bothering him though; there was something distasteful about Rennah and James being in a relationship with each other when he'd been her guard on Earth. The thought of the muscle bound-Vega using his position as her guard to take advantage of Shepard left a bad taste in Kaidan's mouth whenever he thought about it, and after hearing Cortez's comment about Vega having had a _thing_ Shepard for years, the bad taste had only gotten worse. He knew that a lot of Alliance men were dazzled by Shepard because of her good looks and war hero status, but he found the knowledge that Vega had had a crush on her throughout the years in which she had been MIA and presumed dead to be a little strange.

Was it possible that Shepard been so lonely and vulnerable on earth that she had allowed herself to be caught up in some jarhead's fanboy fantasy? The thought of that made the pain in his chest swell, and he cringed at the thought of her falling for someone as superficial and shallow as Vega. Okay, so it was unlikely that Rennah would let herself get seduced and used like that, but she _had_ been in a stressful position on Earth; alone, incarcerated and stripped of her rank.

_And whose fault was that?_

Kaidan sighed and looked out at a distant nebula as he thought about the role he'd played in driving the wedge between them. A lot of the distance seperating them was his own fault, he acknowledged sadly as he stared out the window and wallowed in his depression, if he hadn't hurt her so badly on Horizon she wouldn't have been quite so alone and vulnerable. He never should have let his fears get in the way of his feelings for her; he should have trusted her and believed in her like everyone else had.

_Instead you lashed out at her and tried to make her hurt like you were hurting; as though it was Ren's fault that she died and left you alone._

It had taken him a long time to realise how scared and confused she must have been when she woke up in a Cerberus facility, and how lonely she would have been while she was working for them. She'd been gone for two years and had lost everything she cared about; her friends, her career and even him. He knew his words on Horizon had shattered her, he'd seen the pain in her eyes as he spat his venom at her and walked away. Shepard had always been tempestuous, so was it any wonder that her love had turned to hate after what he'd done?

The depth of her emotions was one of the things that he'd loved most about her, and their relationship back on the first Normandy had been all the more passionate because of it. They'd both been swept away by their feelings and things had moved quickly between them; both of them admitting they were in love after only a few months together. He'd loved her with a passion that he'd never experienced before or since, and he'd imagined himself with Rennah for the rest of his days. He'd never thought that he'd lose her and he'd certainly never thought that he would be the one to push her away.

He heard the door open behind him and he turned around, his stomach turning over nervously as he watched Shepard come through the door. "Hey Shepard."

"Kaidan." She nodded as she came in and let the door close behind her, her gaze skimming the room and settling on him as she took in how little he had brought with him. "Are you settling in okay?"

"Yeah, I didn't have much to bring with me." He shrugged and watched her face carefully, wondering if she really was involved in the young lieutenant.

After breakfast this morning he'd seen Shepard briefly in the CIC when she'd stopped by to let himself and Traynor know she was meeting someone on the Citadel and that Kaidan was in command while she was gone. She'd returned after a few hours looking thoughtful and had mentioned to Kaidan that she wanted to drop by and to speak to him, but she hadn't elaborated on why and she'd quickly vanished up to her room. He'd hoped it wasn't about what he'd overheard this morning, but he dreaded that it was.

Shepard sighed and she focused her eyes on him, the look in them uncomfortable, "I'm not really sure how to say this, but I thought it was better that you heard it from me than someone else…"

_No. Please, no._

"You're seeing Lieutenant Vega." Kaidan finished for her, not surprised when Shepard's eyes widened and she looked surprised.

"How did you know?" She crossed her arms defensively over her chest and then uncrossed them again as soon as she realised what she'd done. "Did James tell you?"

Even though he'd suspected as much, his heart still sank as she confirmed his worst fears. "No, I just overheard some ship gossip and guessed." He smiled weakly when she looked horrified. "Look, I'm not going to pretend that I'm not disappointed, but I appreciate you being upfront with me."

He sounded like he felt; flat and lifeless.

It was impossible to fake enthusiasm, especially when they both knew that he still loved her and that he'd wanted to try and reconcile with her. So why should he pretend to be happy for Shepard when she appeared to have taken up with the first muscle-bound moron that she'd come across? He wasn't going to act pleased for her when it was entirely possible that she was just letting herself get used while Vega got off on having Commander Shepard in his bed!

"I'm sorry, Kaidan." Her eyes softened as she spoke, almost as though she knew how torn up he was and hated to hurt him like this.

"I know." He paused and drew in a steadying breath, watching as she looked away and absently tucked a strand of hair behind her ear. Did Shepard care that he was hurting? He wanted to say something to her about his concerns about Vega, but he knew he'd come across as being jealous and defensive.

_But what if Vega was just using her?_

He drew in another deep breath; if it turned out that Shepard was being taken for a ride and got hurt, he'd never be able to forgive himself for having stood by and done nothing to help her. It was true that he knew next to nothing about James Vega, but after hearing Cortez this morning he didn't want to risk leaving anything to chance. She deserved better than to wind up with some Shepard-groupie who had latched on to her.

Kaidan moved away from the window and moved towards her. "I don't know how to say this without sounding jealous, but how well do you know Vega?"

Her gaze had moved briefly to look out the spectacular window, but zipped back to his face as she frowned a little. "What do you mean?"

"How well do you know the guy? I've just heard some things about him that make me wonder-"

"I've known him longer than I knew you before we hooked up." She interrupted him warily, clearly gearing up for an argument. "Look, you don't have to be happy for me, but don't try to ruin this."

Kaidan shook his head in denial. "Hey no. That's not what I'm doing, Ren. I'm just worried that he might not be everything you think he is."

"How would you know?" Her voice rose incredulously and she raised her arms in a disbelieving gesture. She had always been fiery, and he could see her temper fraying already. "You've spent about three days in my company in the last three years and probably less than that with James. How would you know anything about him? Or about me anymore for that matter? You chose to cut yourself out of my life, so you don't have the right to question who I choose to have a relationship with. James is a good guy and he's done nothing but support me and be there for me!"

He frowned and worked hard to keep his voice even and calm as they talked. "That's my point; he was your _guard_ Shepard. Do you how this is going to look to people? How it's going to look to Anderson and Hackett when they find out?"

" _Nothing_ happened between us when we were on Earth!" Rennah scowled and crossed her arms again. "It wasn't until after the Reapers attacked that we realised how we felt about each other."

"That's ... not what I've heard." Kaidan swallowed when he shot a glare at him.

Shepard's eyes narrowed and when she spoke again it was with an icy voice. "And what is _that_ supposed to mean?"

"It means I've heard gossip that Vega's had a thing for you for a long time. As in _years_! Don't you find that a little bit strange?" Even as he spoke he could see Shepard getting angrier with him, but he pressed on relentlessly. "I don't want you getting hurt because some fanboy wants to brag to his friends that he's slept with Commander Shepard. Look, I don't know him, it's true. I just want you to be safe-"

She swore. "You're right; you _don't_ know James, and if you think I'd be so stupid as to let someone into my life who would treat me like that, then you don't know _me_ either." Shepard almost spat the words and Kaidan felt some of his patience start to wear away as she threw him a withing look. "What's this really all about? It's been three years. You and me-"

Kaidan tried to control his feelings and stay calm, but the disappointment he'd been holding onto was too strong and the look she gave him was too much. "Look, I fucked up. _I know I did_. But I'm only human. I regret what I said to you on Horizon more than anything else in my life, and ... I don't want to see you get hurt again." He ran a hand through his hair and looked at the floor, very aware that he'd made things worse for himself and for Shepard over the years. "I know you've been under a lot of pressure on Earth and even more since the Reapers attacked and I know how guys like James operate."

Rennah sighed and Kaidan watched as she shook her head slowly. "James is a good guy. I wish you could see that." She rubbed her forehead and made her way back over to the door, casting him one last look over her shoulder. "For the record, it was him who wanted me to come and talk to you. He knows how you feel about me and knew you would be upset. He said he would be if the situation was reversed."

Kaidan said nothing as Shepard left, he just waited until the door had closed behind her and then locked it so no one else could bother him. Maybe Rennah was right about James and maybe she wasn't, but he wasn't going to sit around and let her get hurt; if she didn't want to listen to him then he was going to use his Spectre status to take a peek at James Vega's service record and personnel files.

If Vega turned out to be the nice guy that Shepard thought he was, than great, he'd back off and let her ride off into the sunset with her nice young lieutenant. But if he was right and Vega's _crush_ on Shepard was a little more ominous, then he'd make sure Rennah didn't get hurt by him.

* * *

"Poker?" Garrus sounded dubious as James enthusiastically explained the rules of the popular human game, "I don't know, Vega. It sounds a little tame. Now bottle shooting; that's a good game _and_ you get to shoot things _while_ you bet."

James was about to explain exactly why it was that poker was the greatest game ever when he saw Shepard heading towards the mess table where he and Garrus were eating their rations. He hadn't seen Rennah since this morning, and even seeing her from across the room made his breath catch in his throat; he could still barely believe that they'd spent the night together. Unfortunately his happy breathless feeling didn't last long; there was a tension around her eyes that made him think that either the chat with Aria or with Kaidan had gone badly.

He knew where he'd put his money.

The turian craned his neck to see what had captured his attention and he snorted, "Better go and see what's made you're _girlfriend_ look so cranky…"

"Shut up!" James tried to elbow Garrus in the side and winced as his arm connected with the turian's armour, "No one is supposed to know, Vakarian! If she thinks I told you…"

Garrus laughed softly, "But you didn't tell me! I guessed…just like _Cortez_ guessed and _Liara_ guessed and _Traynor_ guessed…" He grinned a little wider and his mandibles stretched to accommodate the smile, "You're not very good at hiding your feelings, Vega."

"Okay, okay, but just shut up for now." He pushed away from the table and stood up, but Shepard waved him back into his seat and joined them, dropping into the empty chair next to him with a sigh.

She glanced at Garrus and narrowed her eyes suspiciously at his wide smile, "What are you so pleased about?"

"Oh _nothing."_

James didn't think it was possible but Garrus' smile got broader and Shepard turned accusing eyes on him, "Did you tell him?"

"Nah, Vega's been very tight lipped about the whole affair. I just worked it out when you both vanished last night and he didn't come back to his bunk." Garrus leaned back in his chair and seemed pleased when Shepard rolled her eyes at him, "I told you; I live vicariously through you Shepard, and neither one of you was very good at hiding how you feel. Like that little moment you had in the back of the sky car a few weeks ago. Did you really think I didn't notice?"

Shepard flushed, "You _saw_ that?"

"The whole thing." The turian chuckled and stood up, "But don't worry. You're secret's safe with me, oh and with Liara, Traynor, EDI and Cortez…and maybe Jack. I think she knows too."

"Ass." She swatted him as he waved and left them alone at the table, then she looked back at James and the amusement faded from her face, "I talked to Kaidan."

He nodded, "I guessed as much. I take it didn't go very well?"

"No, it did not." She emphasized the word ' _not_ ' and curled up on the chair, pulling her knees to her chest as she watched him, "I'd probably stay out of his way for the next few days if I were you."

James rolled his eyes and laughed, "Oh come on, Lola. He's a Spectre sure, but he's also a grown man! He's not going to start any trouble."

"I think he thinks you're sleeping with me for some sort of ego-trip." Absently Shepard twisted her hair up into a ponytail, exposing the undercut she had as she tied it up, "And he thinks you're some sort of weirdo Shepard fan who's been lusting after me for years."

He swallowed hard at that and tried not to look nervous; he had been pretty fanatical with his crush on Shepard prior and during Fehl Prime. "Well, I was certainly a pretty big fan, but I don't think I feel into the weirdo category. I didn't go the whole hog and have Shepard shrine with candles or something."

"So no shrine, huh?" She smiled and some of the tension eased from her face, "Well, I guess I'll have to settle for you being just a regular fan instead of a weirdo." Rennah uncurled and put her feet back to the floor, abruptly all business, "My talk with Aria went a lot better."

"Really." James busied himself with tidying up his ration tray, trying not to let his feelings about Shepard associating herself with Aria show. "So what did she want?"

"My help."

He didn't like the sound of that and he frowned a little more, "And that means what exactly?"

"That means I'll be gone for a few days." She saw the look on his face and sighed, "Look, I have to help Aria out with this and there's no point trying to talk me out of it. Omega is too strategically important for us to let Cerberus hang on to it; I _have_ to help Aria get it back."

James subsided momentarily before a thought occurred to him, "You said _you_ were going for a few days. What about the Normandy? What about _us_?"

"The Normandy is staying at the Citadel to finish up some of the retrofitting that wasn't completed." She leaned against the table and took one of his hands in hers, glancing around to make sure no one else was around before she pulled him up and laced her fingers in with his, "I'm going in alone with Aria and we're leaving tomorrow."

"And there's no way I can talk you into letting me and Garrus come along as backup?" He squeezed her hand and let her pull him to his feet and lead him along to the elevator, his heart starting to beat a little faster as he realised where Shepard was undoubtedly taking him. "I take it it's Aria's bright idea that you go alone with her?"

Shepard pressed the button for the elevator and then pulled him close, trailing a hand up his chest and then pulling his head down for a kiss, "She wants me all to herself."

"I never thought I'd ever have anything in common with Aria." James murmured as he wrapped one arm around her waist and pulled her to him, his body already stirring with need as he held her close.

The elevator doors opened and James walked Shepard in backwards, hitting the button for her cabin and then kissing her again as she wrapped her arms around his neck and plastered herself to him. He knew it wasn't any good arguing with her; Shepard was stubborn as a mule when she made her mind up about something, and it would be impossible to talk her out of it. He hated the thought of her running off with scum like Aria, and the thought of her going up against Cerberus without Alliance support, but most of all he hated that he wasn't going to be there to watch her back.

As the doors opened again and they made their way into her cabin, the kisses became hotter and their hands more adventurous; both of them so hungry for the others touch that it was as though they'd been separated for days rather than hours. They got as far as the desk in her cabin before they gave into temptation and made it no further, both of them so desperate to be close to the other that they wound up shedding their clothes and sinking to the floor in each other's arms. James had never felt so wildly out of control before, but the knowledge that Shepard was leaving tomorrow made him want to make every moment of the night count and he tried to kiss every square inch of her body before he made love to her.

They made love again in the shower afterwards, tracing warm soapy paths over each other's bodies with their hands and mouths and laughing as they discovered the perils of trying to get physically intimate in a steamy, slippery and decided tiny bathroom. Eventually James lifted her against the wall and she wrapped her legs around his waist, one of her hands holding his shoulder and the other gripping the showerhead as he moved inside of her, kissing her again and again. He almost told her how he felt in the shower as they came together, but he bit back the words and told himself it was too soon.

She'd think he _was_ a weirdo-fan if he told her he loved her, especially after the things Alenko had said to her today.

As they lay in bed later that night, her head resting on his chest and his arms loosely wrapped around her body, all James could do was hope that Aria would have Shepard's back while she was on Omega and that she'd stay safe. The past two days had been more perfect than anything he'd ever dreamed, and the thought of losing Rennah filled him with a cold dread that he'd never experienced before.

Love, he thought sleepily as he held her and slowly let himself drift off, really did make you vulnerable in a whole new way.

* * *

 **A/N – Poor cranky Kaidan and poor soon-to-be-lonely Vega. They can only have fun in the next chapter when they're left on the ship with no Shepard to referee them, right?** _**Right** _ **?**


	25. What She Was

_Disclaimer: I don't own Mass Effect.  
_

**A/N – I wanted to get this chapter up earlier, but I had more trouble writing it than I thought I would. I rewrote the Kaidan/James conversation four times before I was happy with it. I hope everyone likes it…I'm actually quite nervous about this chapter.**

**Thank you to everyone who reviewed the last chapter. Your comments and feedback are always really appreciated and loved!**

* * *

With the Normandy docked at the Citadel to finish the last of the retrofitting, James had expected that the crew would be given shore leave and he'd been planning to spend most of it with Garrus; teaching him the finer points of poker. Instead he'd found himself completing what had to be the most boring job on board when Alenko, who was the commanding officer in Shepard's absence, issued orders for him to complete another inventory check of all of the Alliance armour, weapons and ammo on board.

Kaidan hadn't singled him out, although the thought had crossed James' mind when he read his new orders. Instead, it was just that Alenko had taken his acting command seriously and had ordered almost all of the Normandy's crew to remain on board while Shepard was away. Garrus was completing maintenance on the Normandy's main weapons, Joker was supervising the installation of some minor hardware in the AI core and even Liara was helping Traynor with some data analysis.

On the first day, James had diligently done his job and conducted the boring inventory check, bantering lightheartedly with Cortez while they worked. It was a good thing he had taken his job seriously, as Kaidan had come down several times throughout his shift, possibly to check up on him, although he had a genuine reason to be down there each time. Outwardly, Kaidan was perfectly polite to him and there wasn't a hint of antagonism, but the atmosphere whenever he was in the shuttle bay was icy and unfriendly.

Cortez found the situation funny at first, but on the second day when Kaidan came down several times again, even he mentioned that he was starting to find the Major's presence a little unsettling. When the shift was up and James was off duty, it was a relief to be able to escape upstairs to the mess where he found Joker and Garrus chatting quietly. The guys hesitated when he appeared and James inwardly cringed as he guessed they were chatting about him, Shepard and possibly even about Kaidan. Honestly, James couldn't fault Kaidan's behaviour, but there was something about the way he was acting that made him feel on edge.

It felt like he was waiting for the axe to fall.

"So, I hear Kaidan hasn't been treating you too harshly today for stealing the Commander's heart?" Joker's eyes twinkled maliciously as James looked pained and sighed.

"You know too?" He paused by the table and glared at Garrus, who he was sure was behind the gossip that had circulated the ship; the damned turian couldn't keep his mouth shut around his friends.

Joker grinned and gestured for James to join them at the table, "Oh come on, you should have known that I'd find out eventually...and I've probably known what was going on for longer than you think!"

The turian nodded at Joker as he made a humming sound of agreement, "I don't know why you two assumed you could keep it quiet." His mandibles twitched in amusement as James made a frustrated sound, "I mean, subtlety isn't one of yours or Shepard's best traits."

James grinned in spite of himself, "I think the problem might have been all of _you_ gossiping about us like little old ladies." He got himself some rations and sat down as he talked, "In fact, I think most of the ship knows because you guys can't keep your mouths shut."

"Vega, Vega, Vega." Joker said his name slowly and with amusement, shaking his head as though talking to a simple child, "The tension between you two was pretty obvious. Plus there was that little wresting match a few weeks ago that almost turned into a make out session."

James felt his mouth gape open, "You...you know about that? Dammit! Esteban said he'd keep it quiet!"

"Ha! Cortez didn't say a thing; he didn't have to…" Joker laughed and enjoyed James embarrassment, "Your little 'training session'," He emphasized the words _training sessions_ with air quotation marks, "was recorded on security footage. I almost died laughing when I saw it." He laughed again at the memory, "I admit I was completed surprised! I mean, all that tension aside, I always thought the Commander was going to wind up back with Alenko, no offense James."

"None taken." He wasn't about to admit that for a long time he'd been worried about that too.

Even now he felt guilty for having encouraged Shepard to move on from Kaidan after Mars. He probably shouldn't feel bad, especially given the way the guy had still been questioning her motives and involvement with Cerberus, but he'd never deliberately meddled in someone else's love life before. Still, suspicion didn't make a great basis for a relationship and things had worked out well for him and Shepard.

Garrus shook his head and threw a skeptical look at Joker, "Oh come on! You know what happened on Horizon! How can you possibly think she'd have gone back to Kaidan after what he said?"

"Because I know Kaidan loves her and didn't mean it." The pilot pushed his half eaten ration pack away and started counting off points on his fingers, "For one thing, he almost killed me at her memorial service when he had that meltdown, for another we know that both of them can be a little emotional when it comes to dealing with each other, and finally because of how upset Shepard was when EVA almost killed him on Mars." Joker shrugged and then glanced at James again, his eyes gleaming, "It didn't even occur to me until I saw that video that you and Shepard had something going on. I'm happy for both of you though, especially since you make _her_ so happy. You're good for her."

"I agree, Shepard needed someone like you to come along and wake her up again." Garrus nodded, the expression on his face fond as he thought about his friend, "I haven't seen her smile this much since…well…since before she died. I don't know how you did it, but you broke through her numbness and made her act like a human again."

James put his rations down and looked from Joker to Garrus, "Was she really that different when Cerberus brought her back?"

"She was still Shepard, but she was angry a lot and she got…meaner." The turian chose his words carefully, as though worried he'd say the wrong thing. "It wasn't like she changed completely, but I was worried about her for a while."

Joker was quiet for a moment as mulled over Garrus' words and then nodded, "Yeah, she still _isn't_ the same as she used to be, but this is the best I've seen her in a long time."

"What do you mean _'she still isn't the same'_?" James wasn't sure he wanted to know the answer, but he was curious about how deeply she'd been affected by what had happened to her.

Garrus looked at Joker and he shrugged, "Well, before the first Normandy went down Shepard was a bit more laid back. She was nicer to people and didn't tend to be quite so ruthless and trigger happy..."

" _You're_ a fine one to accuse Shepard of becoming ruthless and trigger happy, _Archangel._ " Joker interrupted and rolled his eyes, "Before she died, Shepard was generally pretty happy most of the time. I mean, she was still really scary when she wanted to be and would do whatever it took to get the job done, but she wasn't quite as ruthless as she is now. I saw her do things when she was working with Cerberus that she wouldn't have never had done when she was working for the Alliance."

"What kind of things?" James felt something unpleasant unfurl itself in his chest as he remembered the way Shepard had shut herself down when she'd tortured the Cerberus operative back at Grissom Academy.

Garrus shrugged and avoided his eyes, "There was the time she threatened to throw a mercenary to his death from the upper floor of a high rise building if he didn't give her information. None of us thought she'd do it, nor did he, but she _did_. She shoved this guy through a plate glass window, watched as he fell screaming to his death and then walked away as though nothing has happened. Then there was this time she couldn't get this guy called Fade to cough up some info, so she tortured it out of him. Not that I think badly of her for that since I would have done the same thing..."

"She just never did stuff like _that_ before she died." Joker interrupted Garrus with a frown, "I guess I kind of understand it, I mean, she woke up to find out that two years of her life were gone and all her friends had moved on without her. She had nothing left and was completely alone. That would be enough to break some people, and I guess Shepard dealt with it by shutting herself down so she wouldn't have to feel it."

James thought about that for a moment, Shepard was an exceptionally good actress; he'd seen on Earth how well she'd smiled and acted day after day as though nothing was bothering her. It hadn't been until she'd let her mask slip in the hospital that he'd seen how desperately frustrated and unhappy she was. Losing her friends, who were essentially her family, would have devastated her. He could see how she would have protected herself from that hurt by simply shutting the pain away and stubbornly pushing on; it was a very Shepard thing to do.

"She's a strong person and she would have wanted to keep going and save everyone from the Collectors." James agreed with Joker as he finished his rations and stood up, realising absently that he'd been so engrossed in the conversation that he hadn't tasted a thing, which was probably for the best considering that they tasted like cardboard.

_Even Blasto Bites tasted better…_

"Well, I'm going to head back down to the shuttle bay and get in a quick workout." James took his tray back over to the mess, and then left Garrus and Joker to return to their gossip.

As he caught the lift down, he replayed the conversation that they'd just had about Shepard's personality changing. Losing the people closest to you was a horrific experience, and while most of her friends hadn't died that day, they may as well have. She'd been abandoned by the Alliance, who were her makeshift family, and her friends had scattered to the winds. He'd felt the same way after Fehl Prime and his response had been to go on a drunker bender on Omega that had lasted weeks.

He hadn't wanted to remember the faces of the people he'd lost and he hadn't wanted to feel the pain of their loss anymore, so he'd buried himself in booze, women and poker. The thought of what he must have looked like when Anderson found him made him squirm, and he was glad that the Admiral hadn't mentioned any of it to Shepard. It was embarrassing enough that _he_ could remember some of the things he'd done on Omega, let alone the woman who he loved finding out about it.

"Lieutenant Vega, just who I wanted to see."

As soon as James stepped out of the elevator his stomach plummeted as he saw Kaidan standing with Cortez near one of the weapon benches. All he wanted to do right now was put himself through a punishing workout so he didn't have the energy to lie awake tonight thinking about Shepard and what might be happening to her. The last thing he wanted to do was have a conversation with Kaidan, especially when Shepard had warned him to keep his distance.

"What can I do for you, Major?" He walked up casually, and forced himself to keep calm as Kaidan dismissed Cortez and turned back to face him, waiting patiently for Cortez to catch the elevator back up before he spoke.

He watched James for a second, "The Blue Suns have sent us a weapons shipment and I was hoping I could get you to supervise it being loaded tomorrow." Kaidan shrugged, "I know it's not your usual duty, but I figured you would probably like something to take your mind off Shepard being away."

"Uh, thank you." James fidgeted and shuffled, completely taken aback by Kaidan's statement. He wasn't fooled though, there was something in the way that Alenko kept looking at him and then looking away that made him think that there was something else he wanted to say, "Is there anything else, sir?"

Kaidan's eyes locked on his and for a second he thought he would walk away, but he stayed and after a moment of obvious internal struggle he sighed. "I don't want to make things awkward when we work together, but I want to talk to you about Shepard."

James didn't like the sound of this. Sure, the major seemed friendly enough now, but he'd picked up on some definitely unfriendly vibes coming from him at other times during the day. The last thing he wanted to do was get into a fight with Shepard's ex and have her come back to a ship buzzing with gossip because they'd acted like a pair of alpha males and had an argument. But how could he say no when this was the perfect chance to clear the air?

"Yeah." James nodded and tried not to let his unease show. "I kind of expected you might want to."

Kaidan paced for a second as he tried to find the words to spit out what was on his mind, finally he paused by the weapons bench again and turned to face him. "I should start by saying that I got curious about you and I read through your files."

"What? Why?" Instantly James began to bristle; Alenko wasn't technically his commanding officer and he had no right to go digging through his history.

"I'm trying to work out what kind of a person you." He shrugged and then narrowed his eyes. "Your records told me a few things about you, firstly that you're a brilliant solider and a great tactician. Secondly, that you're the kind of soldier that can make tough decisions, and thirdly," Kaidan drew in a breath, "that you've been obsessed with Shepard since the Skyllian Blitz."

James felt his stomach drop and he instantly wished he'd said no to this little chat. "Obsessed?" He tried not to sound too defensive. "I was _not_ obsessed with her. Shepard's an amazing solider and she was my role model. I didn't try to hide how much of a fan I was at all, but that's all it was."

"Maybe." Kaidan pushed away from the bench and came towards him. "I'm not trying to be difficult, but try and see things from my perspective; you were her guard and suddenly you're an item. Then when I take a glance through your file," he gave him a meaningful look, "well, you mention Shepard's name in almost every mission debrief. Your psych evaluation says you became depressed when she died over Alchera, and I don't know if you're aware, but even Hackett and Anderson noted that it was possible that you were a little too invested in Shepard." He took a breath and his eyes flashed. "I'm just trying to work out if your relationship with Shepard is what it is, or if you're just playing with her. I hurt her badly enough, and I don't want to see her get hurt again."

James swallowed and squared his shoulders.  "Okay, I admit I've been a big fan of Shepard's ever since I saw footage of her in the Skyllian Blitz, and I'm not going to deny it." He saw Kaidan frown at that, and he continued, "and yeah, I thought she was fucking hot, but I wasn't obsessed with her. I followed her career because she's the best goddamned solider in the Alliance. The stuff between us now happened later. Yeah, I was interested in her, but not while I was guarding her. I wasn't in a good place then myself." He didn't elaborate further on that; Fehl Prime wasn't Kaidan's business.

"Maybe it's unfair of me to ask you these questions, hell ... I know it is," he looked apologetic, "but I just want to make things right. You can't know what it's like to lose the person you love and then suddenly have them turn up out of the blue." The biotic shook his head bitterly and took a step back, clearly wanting to put some distance between them as he quietly admitted, "I still love her."

James felt something cold spread through him at the other man's words; he'd known he was still in love with her but hearing him admit it was painful. 

"You know, no one stopped you from apologising to her about your behaviour on Horizon, or from visiting her on Earth, and no one made you pull a gun on her on the Citadel," he pointed out. "Maybe you and Rennah just weren't meant to be?"

Silence greeted his quiet words, then James saw Kaidan close his eyes tightly, and the biotic turned around and faced the gleaming shuttle, giving James his back. He was silent for almost thirty seconds before he spoke again in a quiet broken voice. "You're right; I did bring this on myself." He drew in a deep breath and turned around to face James again, his eyes raw and pained. "I lost Rennah once and had to live with her death for two years, and just when I started to get my life back together, she came back and I threw everything away again. I said a lot of things I didn't mean." Kaidan went quiet for a second, and even more of the fight seemed to go out of him and he looked down at the floor. "Shit, why am I telling you this? I just ... I always thought we would still get back together."

James felt a swell of pity for Alenko in that moment and he let his own fear go and tried to see it from his perspective. How would he handle it if Shepard never came back from Omega and she died? Would he have the strength to pull himself together and go on with his life like Alenko had? And what if she turned up working with a terrorist group that he hated? He couldn't imagine how confusing and hurtful that would be.

He sighed and tried to ignore the lingering anger he felt for the man. "I know you don't trust me, but I'm not using Shepard and I'm not going to hurt her. I care about her too much."

Kaidan was silent and he raised his head to look up at him slowly, the look in his tawny eyes haunting. "I hope so Vega, because I swear to god if you hurt her I'll make you pay for it."

James wasn't sure what he could or should say to that, so he just nodded, because he didn't doubt for a second that Kaidan was deadly serious. He knew he'd lost Shepard and it was tearing him apart, but he still cared about her enough to make sure that James didn't hurt her. Whether it was guilt for the damage he'd done to her in the past, or because he was genuinely still in love with her was a mystery to James, but he respected Kaidan for wanting to protect her.

Although he _didn't_ appreciate the way he'd gone about it.

"Is she happy with you?" Kaidan spoke again without any trace of anger, instead he just sounded exhausted. "I wanted to try and make up for all the damage I did, but if I knew she was happy ... ?"

Vega nodded, feeling another wave of pity for him. "I think so. You we're right when you said that Ren was lonely back in Vancouver, she was, but she was angry and hurt too and I wouldn't never have intruded on her pain." He shrugged and met Kaidan's eyes again. "Truthfully, I don't think I even registered on her radar until after the Reapers attacked and she was back on the Normandy. I think she needed someone to be there for her more than anything." He took a deep breath and slowly let it out. "I don't know if she feels the same way about me as I do her, but I can promise you that I'm not with her for any reason other than the fact that I care about her."

Kaidan managed a weak smile at that. "I can see why she likes you; you _are_ a good guy, and she needs that; someone to balance her out." He ran a hand through his hair again and cleared his throat. "Don't take this the wrong way, but I'm not going to give up on her. I'm not going to interfere with your relationship with her, I'm no teenager looking for a fight. But ... I can't change how I feel." Kaidan laughed roughly. "Hope springs eternal, I guess."

James nodded. They'd made their positions clear, and he watched silently as Alenko turned and left, still feeling sorry for him. He sighed and looked out over his work out area, dejectedly realising that he didn't want to work out anymore; he just wanted Shepard to come home safely so he could hold her again.

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**A/N – Poor lonely James. I hope you enjoyed this chapter – please let me know what you thought! I'm nervous!  
**

**In other news - I'm looking for someone to beta read a one shot Kaidan/Shepard fluffy drabble that I'm working on. I'm not sure when it will be finished, but if you'd like to help me out please feel free to give me a shout.**


	26. What She Is

_Disclaimer: I don't own Mass Effect_

**A/N – Thank you so much for the lovely feedback on my last chapter. I was so worried that people would go 'pah' at it, so it means a lot that I got such lovely comments. Oh, and thank you very much to the people who offered to beta for me :) I ended up going with the first person to message me.  
**

**I hope you enjoy this chapter.**

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It was as though a flashbang grenade had gone off next to her; Rennah's head was ringing, her hands seemed slow and numb and she felt disconnected from reality. It was almost like she was watching everything that was happening around her on a screen, rather than actually being part of it. It had been like this for the entire shuttle flight back from Omega, so she had stayed silent and still, replying to Bray's comments with non-committal sounds or one word answers until he got the hint and stopped talking to her. She didn't want to _think_ about Omega. She didn't want to let her mind settle and actually start to remember about what had happened while she had been on the station. The things she'd done and the things she'd let happen were too horrible for her to think about, especially what had happened to all those innocent people...

_No. Don't remember!_

Shepard jerked her mind away from that train of thought and clenched her fists. She felt a little bit like she was in a waking nightmare, separated from reality and somehow distant from the world around her. The shuttle flight back to the Normandy seemed to pass in a matter of minutes or maybe days, Shepard couldn't tell as she sat in her armour and let herself drift. She knew she must have looked as bad as she felt; there was gummed up blood inside of her armour from her injuries and she knew her neck was badly burned from a rampart mech explosion, but it all felt unimportant.

"We're here."

The words seemed to come to her through a tunnel and Shepard stayed still for a second, content to linger in the numbness rather than face reality. Then Bray nudged her with a surprisingly gentle hand and she blinked and snapped back to what was going on around her. The shuttle had landed in the Citadel docking bay near to the Normandy, and she stared at it stupidly for a moment, wondering why it felt like she had been away for years rather than days. It was like she was returning to another life and another version of her.

Shepard swallowed hard and stood up, unprepared when a wave of exhaustion made the shuttle seem to rock around her. Bray tried to help steady her, but she stubbornly pushed the batarian away and managed to stay upright herself through grim determination. She made it to the shuttle door without any further incidents and she paused while Bray moved to the controls.

"It's been a pleasure." Bray murmured quietly to her as he opened the shuttle bay doors and watched her limp through.

She nodded at him as she passed, "Likewise."

It was a relief to get off the shuttle and away from the last vestiges of Omega, but as she limped towards the Normandy the relief was replaced by anxiety. She didn't want to see her friends faces when they found out what she'd done on Omega; they thought she was a good person and a hero, but she wasn't. She was just as bad as Aria was and possibly even worse. At least Aria had an excuse for everything she'd done on Omega; Shepard wasn't sure she could say the same for herself.

_What would James think when he found out?  
_

Shepard focused on the pain as she hobbled her way through the Normandy's airlock in a daze, unwilling to let herself stop and think about what had happened on Omega. As she passed through the CIC both EDI and Traynor tried to talk to her, but she hurried past them without responding. She just wanted to get up to her cabin and be alone before everything she was holding in check came out. The numbness she'd cocooned herself in was wearing thin and soon she was going to have to face what she'd done, and once that happened she'd be a mess.

She didn't allow herself to let go of her emotional control often, but she knew there would be no stopping whatever was inside of her once she let it out. She'd done something terrible and the weight of that knowledge was pressing on her even through the numbness. The instant she let herself start to feel again she was going to cry, and she hated herself for it; crying was weak. Tears did nothing to change what happened, so why did she have to waste her time crying them?

_Why couldn't she control this?_

The elevator doors opened at her cabin and Rennah came out slowly, absently thinking that she couldn't even remembering entering the elevator or pressing the button. Was she losing time? She knew she was in shock, but it was hard to really to care when all she wanted to do was get to her room and away from people. If she was going to cry like a helpless child then she would do it where people couldn't see how terribly weak she was.

She heard the hum of the elevator descending again and quickly went into her cabin and locked the door behind her; she needed this time to herself even though it wasn't going to last long. Sighing, she pulled off her helmet and let it fall to the floor where she kicked it away, suddenly hating the Alliance insignia on it. She felt trapped by the responsibility that went with that symbol; trapped by her actions and trapped by what people would think of her when they found out.

"Shepard?"

She ignored the muffled voice at her door and began pulling off bits of her armour as she stumbled to the bathroom, letting them fall to the floor carelessly as she struggled to separate herself from the armour and all the responsibility that went with it. Her gauntlets, her shoulder armour and her chest piece all fell to the floor behind her with hollow metallic thuds. She pulled the rest of her armour off too, her grieves and boots giving her so much trouble she almost sobbed in frustration as she dropped to the floor to tug at them, but they came off eventually and she hurled them away as she crawled into the shower still in her underclothes.

The water felt icy on her skin when it gushed down and she shivered as she switched it all the way over to hot, distantly aware that she wasn't really cold and the trembling in her limbs was from something other than the temperature. The hot water helped though, and as she huddled on the floor of the shower she was finally able to let go of everything she'd been holding onto since she'd left Omega. She thought about all of the innocent people that had died because she hadn't been able to reroute the power and cried silent tears that were hidden in all the water.

_...What would James think of her when he found out what she'd done?_

* * *

"Shepard?" James called softly as EDI opened the door to her cabin and he and Chakwas cautiously went in.

Thanks to EDI's sensors they knew that Rennah was conscious and that she had collapsed in the shower not long after returning to the Normandy. James was trying to keep his imagination from running away with him, but he was worried about what had happened to her, and why she hadn't gone to the medbay if she was injured. He let Chakwas take the lead as she headed towards the bathroom, following a trail of discarded armour parts that were covered in scorch marks and blood.

"Oh no! EDI shut this water off, now!"

James hurried into the bathroom where he found Chakwas crouching next to Shepard who was slumped against the shower wall, steam surrounding them. She was still wearing the usual black tank top and black shorts that she wore under her amour, but her exposed skin was bright pink and the heat in the room was intense. The water had obviously been scalding hot, although thankfully not hot enough to blister her skin. He moved into the small space as Chakwas checked Shepard over, noting for himself that she had a burn on her neck and shoulder, and blood was running with the water down the drain.

"I'm fine." Rennah was trying to push the doctor away, "Let me be!"

"Where are you hit, Shepard?" Chakwas gently lifted her head up and ignored Shepard when she tried to pull away, "Stop this silliness! Now where are you bleeding?"

"My leg," Rennah's voice was unusually docile when she finally responded, "near the top of the hip joint."

 _She sounded exhausted_ , James thought as he crouched down next to her and caught her eyes with his own, trying not to notice how red and puffy they were. She wasn't obviously crying now, but he guessed she must have been before they'd come in. Rennah glanced away almost as soon as he looked at her, as though she was ashamed of letting him see how upset she'd been.

Chakwas touched his shoulder, "Can you wait outside while I examine her, Lieutenant?"

"What? Why?" James blinked in surprise and then glanced back at Shepard who was shivering again, "Am I in the way?"

"No, but I'll have to remove her shorts…" Chakwas paused when Rennah let out a snort of laughter and she glanced from Shepard to James with a small frown, "Did I miss something?"

"He won't be seeing anything he hasn't already seen." Shepard told her dryly as she let her head rest against the shower wall and kept her eyes closed.

Chakwas frowned for a second longer and then her eyes widened and she blushed, "Oh! _Oh_!" She looked back at James as though seeing him for the first time and instantly became her usual professional self, "Well, in that case, make yourself useful and pass me that medigel and an adhesive patch."

"Yes, ma'am." James fought the urge to smirk at Chakwas surprise, instantly sobering though as Chakwas peeled Shepard's shorts down and revealed a nasty shrapnel injury at Shepard's hip joint. The wound was deep and although James was no doctor, he was pretty sure Shepard was lucky that whatever had hit her hadn't nicked an artery.

Chakwas poked around at the injury for a bit, checking there was no shrapnel left in it before she took the medigel from James and began to apply it, "You're lucky, Commander. A few inches lower and this would have been a lot worse."

"You know me." Shepard muttered weakly as Chakwas finished applying the medigel, applied the patch and then pulled her shorts back up, "I'm always Lucky."

Chakwas made a sound of disapproval at her flippancy and then began to apply medigel to the burn on the side of Shepard's neck, "I don't suppose you want to tell me what prompted you to come up here and sit in the shower instead of coming to see me?"

"I wanted to be alone." Shepard looked at them with a look in her eyes that was almost one of fear but she glanced away before James could understand why she was scared.

"Fair enough." Chakwas evidently knew when not to push and she stood up, gesturing for James to come closer, "Keep an eye on her tonight. She'll be fine but she's exhausted and needs to rest, if she doesn't get some sleep call me back up and I'll give her a sedative…"

"I can hear you..." Shepard grumbled from the floor.

The doctor rolled her eyes, "That's the point, Commander. Now get some sleep and see me in the morning so I can clear you for duty. Alenko can keep command for tonight."

James walked Chakwas to the door, "Is she really okay?"

"She's in shock, but I don't think it's anything physical. Something must have happened on Omega that scared the hell out of her, and knowing Shepard she'll talk about it when she's good and ready." Chakwas paused outside of the door and gave him a cheeky grin, "Well done, by the way. It's about time Shepard found a nice young man again."

The doctor vanished into the elevator before he could reply and James felt himself come close to blushing as he closed Shepard's cabin door, locking it carefully before he went back into the bathroom. Shepard was still sprawled on the bathroom floor looking sorry for herself, and he picked her up in his arms before she could protest, carrying her out and setting her down on the couch gently. He went to her wardrobe and pulled out a pair of N7 sweatpants, underwear and a tank top that would avoid pressing on the burn on her neck and then turned back to her with the clothes in his hands.

It wasn't the homecoming he'd had planned for her, but there was something oddly intimate about getting Shepard clothes to sleep in that warmed James heart. For tonight he was going to make sure that she was taken care of and that she got a good nights rest.

"I can do all this myself, you know." Rennah was still shivering occasionally and avoiding his eyes and James tossed the clothes at her, grinning to himself when the sweatpants smacked her in the head and she jerked her head up to look at him angrily, "Hey!"

"Do it yourself then, Lola." He crossed his arms and leaned against the wardrobe with a smirk, "I'll supervise."

Shepard opened her mouth to retort and then thought better of it, dressing herself determinedly despite still being clearly exhausted. He wanted to help, but he knew how much Shepard hated people doing things for her so he made himself stay back even as she struggled to get her pants on over her sore leg. She was doing her best to act normal, but James could see that there was something not quite right, and when she limped over and curled up under the blankets on her bed, his heart melted to see her looking so miserable.

"Lola, what happened?" He sat down next to her and began undressing, pulling off his boots, belt and shirt before he slid into bed next to her and pulled her into his arms, trying to ignore how stiff and unyielding she felt against him, "I'm worried about you."

She was silent for a few moments and then sighed, her body slowly relaxing against his, "Nothing happened, I'm just really tired."

"Okay." James wrapped his arms around her tighter and kissed the side of the neck, refusing to take it personally that she didn't want to share what had happened to her on Omega. He'd learned by now that she'd either talk to him when she was ready or she'd bottle it up inside of her, and there was nothing he could do to change her mind, "Sleep tight, Lola."

* * *

James woke up suddenly, instantly alert that something wasn't right and he pushed himself up on his forearms and glanced around the dimly lit room. Shepard had moved out of his arms at some stage and was curled up on the edge of the bed with both of her hands pressed to her head. There was another muffled sound and he sat up straighter as he realised that Shepard was awake and that she was speaking to herself in a frantic whisper.

"No! Stop thinking about it!" She hissed louder and with such desperation that James reached for her on instinct.

"Lola?" He touched her shoulder lightly and almost pulled away when she sat bolt upright and stared at him in surprise, her eyes gleaming in the dark as though she were crying. "What's wrong? You can tell me…"

"I thought you were sleeping." She sounded terrified and James froze at the tone in her voice as she continued, "I...I can't stop thinking about Omega."

"What happened?"

"I did something _really_ bad…" Shepard took a deep breath and switched on a dim bedside lamp, glancing at him through her unruly hair as she wrapped her arms around herself.

She wasn't crying like he'd thought she was, but her eyes were shining with unshed tears and he guessed that she'd been close to it when she'd woken him up with her whispers. He wanted to move closer to her and hold her, but he knew she'd only move further away if he tried. The look in her eyes said it all; _she was scared._

"I got innocent people killed." He held his breath as she pulled the bed covers around herself and leaned against the bedhead shivering, "I was trying to reroute power from some generators so I could free Aria from a trap that Petrovsky, the Cerberus General, had set up." She put her head in her hands, looking so unlike her usual self that James clenched his hands into fists to stop himself reaching out to touch her, "I tried to reroute the power and save their lives but I wasn't good enough to do it and I had to cut the power." She raised her head up and looked at him with eyes that were haunted, "That same power was running the life support system for thousands of civilians…families and children…and when I cut it..."

"Shepard, it's not your fault…" James reached out to try and comfort her but she pulled away, "You've made choices like this before, like the Alpha Relay. It's a bad decision but you had to do it for the greater good…"

She let out an ugly strangled laugh and put her head in her hands again, "This was _not_ for the greater good, James. I got all those people killed for _Aria_." There was an edge of hysteria to her voice, "Thousands of innocent people are dead because I had to save _her_." She drew a deep breath and he saw her flinch as another thought occurred to her, "And then to top it all off when Petrovsky surrendered to me, I let Aria…"

James knew what she was going to say; he knew what Aria was like and what she would have done to the man who'd taken her station from her, "You let Aria kill him?"

"Yes."

"Shepard, there probably wasn't anything you could have done…"

She raised her head and looked at him darkly, "Don't be naïve James. If I'd wanted to stop her I could have, but I _wanted_ her to kill him. The things he did on Omega and the people he killed..." Shepard drew in a deep breath and a shadow passed over her face, "I was glad when she killed him and that scares me. What kind of person have I become?"

"He was a bad guy, and _we_ kill bad guys."

"But all those people, James." Shepard brushed her hair back from her face and pressed a hand to her forehead, "All those innocent people who died because of Aria. I could justify the Alpha Relay, but I'm not sure I can justify this." She pulled her hand away from her head and looked at him through troubled eyes. "I keep seeing the look on Petrovsky's face as he died..."

James couldn't think of anything to say, but when he put his arms around her she let him hold her and he pulled her to his chest as her words sank in. Shepard had a darkness inside of her that went deep, and though it allowed her to do things that needed to be done, and things that no one else could do, he was worried for her. He loved Shepard and didn't want to watch her sink so far into that dark place that she couldn't come back from it.

What she'd done on Omega was haunting her far more than the destruction of the Alpha Relay ever would, because she felt like this sacrifice hadn't been worth the cost. Yes, it had allowed her to help Aria retake Omega, but in her eyes stopping one Cerberus faction wasn't worth the sacrifice of thousands of lives. He wasn't sure he disagreed with her, but it had been her call and he knew she had to find a way to live with it.

He didn't know what this General Petrovsky had done on Omega to push Shepard so far, but he knew that she wouldn't have reacted like that without a reason, "Lola, I know you. I know that you wouldn't have let her kill him if he hadn't done some terrible things."

"He did some horrible things and he did deserve to die." She agreed as she relaxed in his arms, "But I keep wondering if I did everything wrong on Omega. I don't want to go back to how I used to be…" Shepard pressed her cheek to his; a single tear escaping from her eye and landing his cheek, "I didn't want you to know what I'd done. I don't want you to ever look at me how you did after Grissom Academy."

"Oh Lola, I'm sorry…"

"No, don't be." She pulled back and shook her head at him urgently, "You keep me from crossing lines that I know I shouldn't cross." Her eyes stared into his intensely, the dim lighting in the room doing nothing to dull the power in her gaze, "You have to promise me that if I go too far you'll stop me, because I need to have you there pulling me back from doing those things or one day I'll go too far and…"

James leaned down and stopped her mid-sentence with a kiss, then he smoothed her hair back from her face and met her eyes again, "Shepard, you know right from wrong and I know you'll always do what you think is right. I may not always like your methods, but I know you have your reasons."

"Thank you, Jimmy."

Shepard kissed him again and sank back down under the covers, her hands tugging at him until he slid down next to her and she could spoon her body against his. She seemed drained after her emotional outburst and after a few minutes her breathing became slow and even, and James realised she'd fallen into an exhausted sleep. Sleep was a little harder to find for him, and he mulled over what she had said over and over again, especially her comment about not wanting to go back to how she _used_ to be.

Her past was a mystery to him, but starting tomorrow morning he was going to start looking into what had happened to make her the woman she was. Someone had gone through a lot of trouble to keep her past hidden, but he was going to start by finding out what had happened at the Good Shepard's Home for Children, which she'd mentioned in passing that night on the Citadel. The way she'd spoken about it had given him the impression that it had been an institution with which she'd had firsthand experience.

It wasn't going to be pretty, he knew that, but it was time he found out what had happened to her and why she was so scared of her past.

* * *

**A/N – We start the Leviathan DLC content in the next chapters, so, uh, spoiler alert if you haven't played it! Oh, and James gets a tinsy bit jealous of Kaidan.**


	27. Down The Rabbit Hole

Disclaimer: I don't own Mass Effect

**A/N – This chapter has details about Shepard's childhood, and explains how it was that she wound up with the Reds at such a young age. I'm not sure how you're all going to feel about it, but hopefully you like the chapter.**

**As always a big thank you to the people who review, follow, message and chat with me. You know how much your support means to me!**

* * *

James hesitated with his fingers over the controls of the terminal, suddenly feeling like he was about to commit an invasion of Shepard's privacy, w _hich_ , he supposed, _he was_. He needed to know more about her though, because the further down this rabbit hole that he fell, the more he realised that Rennah wasn't the woman she appeared to be. Anyway, _she_ was the one who had dropped the name of that Children's home, so it wasn't as though he was really snooping.

Shepard had woken up this morning as though nothing had happened the night before. In fact, she'd been especially amorous and they'd enjoyed themselves in bed for at over an hour until she'd left for Doctor Bryson's lab on the Citadel, taking Kaidan and EDI with her. Once she was gone, he'd returned to the shuttle bay where he had decided to make the most of her absence, feeling a little guilty about looking into her past behind her back.

James sighed, and without giving himself any more time to second guess himself, he pressed send on the inquiry he'd typed and waited while the results filled the screen. He slowly began to scroll down the page and he ran his eyes over the headlines and articles that filled page after page of results. At first he just stared at the news reports in shock, all of which were at least twenty years old, then he felt anger start to spread inside of him at what he was seeing. He'd known that whatever had happened there must have been bad, but he hadn't expected _this_. He let his eyes scan over the first few results and tried to take it in.

**_Search Results:_ **

**1\. Independent Investigation of Good Shepard's Home for Children**

_The Good Shepard's Home for Children is to be the subject of an independent investigation after it was revealed that over three hundred children have allegedly vanished while in care..._

**2\. Where Have All The Children Gone?**

_The Alliance sponsored Good Shepard's Home for Children is to be closed amidst reports of child trafficking..._

**3\. Biotic Children Among Missing**

_New sources indicate that Good Shepard's may have been responsible for the disappearances of at least twenty orphaned biotic children..._

**4\. 468 Children Confirmed Missing!**

_The independent commission into the Good Shepard's Home for Children has found that over 486 children 'vanished without a trace' while in care…_

**5\. Local Authorities Linked To Missing Children**

_Local authorities failed to act on reports of abuse at the Good Shepard's Home for Children according to a report by Peter Longman..._

**6\. Identities Erased: Shock Report by Suzanne Belgrave**

_Suzanne Belgrave has uncovered hidden allegations that staff members at Good Shepard's destroyed files and identity papers in order to hide evidence of missing children..._

**7\. Innocence Lost!**

_Investigations into the Alliance run children's home known as Good Shepard's has revealed that First Contact war orphans are amongst the so called Lost Children who were sold to slavers, gangs and..._

James was automatically drawn to the article on the biotic children, but the article was vague and only mentioned that biotic children ranging from five years old to thirteen years old were suspected to have been sold to private buyers. It made him feel sick that something like this could have happened on Earth, and to children no less. The article did mention various organisations and gangs who were suspected of buying biotic children, and James wasn't surprised when he saw that the Tenth Street Reds were among them.

He backtracked out of the article and scanned down the list, realising that this wasn't going to be as easy as just clicking on an article and finding out about Rennah. He would have to go through the articles one by one and piece together what had happened, and maybe if he was lucky he might find something about Shepard. It was hard to imagine what it would have been like as a child who had not only lost their parents, but were suddenly being treated like treated as a commodity.

He opened the next article and started to read, putting the story together bit by bit as he read on. It was a sad tale: the Good Shepard's Home for Children had been opened by the Alliance during the First Contact War as a home for orphaned children, and had remained open for the next ten or so years. It wasn't clear when the institutionalised abuse had started, but over the course of ten years hundreds of children had vanished, many of them without a trace. In some cases there were government records of children entering the home, but no records at Good Shepard's of them ever being there.

Records had been erased, identity papers had been destroyed and children had essentially vanished off the face of the planet; and quite possibly they had. Most children had not been located. There were some records of some of them being sold to couples desperate for a child, but in other cases they had been sold to brothels, gangs and other organisations. The more James read, the angrier he became that something like this could have happened at an Alliance run facility. People had known it was happening and they had done nothing to stop it, some of them had even deliberately tried to hide the evidence.

It wasn't until he opened up a news article about some of the orphans being the children of deceased First Contact soldiers that James found something about Rennah. The article had been very well researched and included images of the deceased parents _and_ the missing orphans, and one photo caught his eyes straight away. The photo was of a little girl with a serious look on her face and familiar violet eyes that he would have known anywhere. It was Rennah, he was sure of it. In the photo she was standing next to an Alliance officer who shared her black hair but had slightly darker eyes.

He read through the caption under the photo and paused, wondering if he was wrong and the little girl wasn't Rennah after all. The photo listed the people in it as celebrated war hero General Nikolai Varlakov, who had been killed in the final year of the first contact war, and his daughter Raina Varlakov. There wasn't any info on her mother's name or how she had died, only that Raina Varlakov had been a biotic child who had been placed in the Children's Home when she was five years old. She was listed amongst the children who had not been found.

James closed the article down fast and swallowed hard as he tried to straighten things out in his head. Was Rennah Shepard the same person as Raina Varlakov? It didn't make any sense; why would she change her name? But there were some similarities between Raina and Rennah; the name Raina Varlakov sounded Russian, and Rennah had spoken Russian in her sleep, so there was that connection. Plus they were both biotics...but even with that connection, it still didn't make sense. If Rennah was Raina, why change her name? Especially if her father was a war hero?

"EDI, is the Commander back yet?" James asked as he forwarded the article to his omni-tool and closed the terminal down, glancing around the shuttle bay to see if anyone had noticed him or the articles he'd been pouring through.

"Yes. She returned almost an hour ago and is with Major Alenko in her quarters. Should I let her know that you wish to see her?"

James felt something heavy and unpleasant slide through him at the news that Rennah was alone with Kaidan in her cabin, and as much as he tried to dispel the feeling it wouldn't budge. It was stupid for him to feel uncomfortable since Rennah had made it perfectly clear that things were over between herself and Kaidan, but he still felt jealous. Kaidan had made it abundantly clear that he didn't like him being with Shepard, and James could only imagine what he might be saying to her about him.

He'd never seen his own Alliance file and he wasn't sure what Kaidan had read in there that had made him so sure that James was obsessed with Shepard, but he didn't want him confronting Shepard with his accusations. It was positive that Alenko had backed off in the shuttle bay after their little argument, but he didn't think for a moment that he given up on Shepard. The guy was far too stubborn to let something like this go.

"Uh, yeah. Just make sure I'm not interrupting anything." James pushed away from his workbench and headed towards the elevator, trying to dispel the ridiculous notion of going up there unannounced and walking in to see for himself what they were doing.

"The Commander says you may come up and see her."

It might have been James' imagination, but he thought that EDI sounded amused, as though she knew what he was worried about. He caught the elevator up, desperately trying to figure out a way to ask Rennah about her childhood without letting her know he'd been snooping, but there wasn't really any way around it. Would she be mad? He didn't think she was going to be pleased about it, but he hoped she wasn't going to be annoyed at him either. He'd done it with the best of intentions.

He heard Shepard's laughter when he walked into her cabin, and he instantly he felt himself tense when he saw her and Kaidan on the couch together. They were sitting with almost a metre of space between them, but his arm was stretched out along the back of the couch and was almost within touching distance of her. James recognised the not-so-subtle gesture for what it was, a way to invade her space without being too pushy or obvious about it.

"...I'd completely forgotten about that!" Shepard was still laughing as she glanced over and saw him, her violet eyes dancing with amusement about whatever they'd been saying.

James was seized by an irrational and strong feeling of jealousy, an emotion that was so ridiculous given the circumstances that he was actually surprised by it. Was he jealous that Kaidan had made her laugh? Or that they'd been spending time along together? Or was their shared history finally getting to him? He wasn't normally a jealous guy!

"Lieutenant Vega." Kaidan nodded and smiled politely at him, but his eyes were cold as he pulled his arm back from the back of the couch away from Shepard.

Was Kaidan annoyed that he'd interrupted his little catch up session with Rennah? He was still smiling, but the cold look he'd given him made James think that maybe he was. Shepard didn't seem upset at all, and the look on her face as she looked at him was enough to help some of James's jealousy ease up. She looked like she had had a bad day, that was for sure, but she seemed pleased to see him.

"Hey James." Rennah aimed at her grin at him and then turned to face Kaidan again, "Thanks for the debrief, Kaidan. I'll see you later."

"Of course." The major stood up from the couch and nodded again at James as he went past, although again his eyes were less than friendly when they met his own.

"Rough day?" He sat down on the couch next to Shepard as the door closed behind Kaidan.

"The worst." She groaned and reached up to let her hair out of its pony tail, "Bryson was shot by his assistant before he could give us any useful info, his assistant has no memory of his actions and appears to be indoctrinated by _something_ , and the only person who can give us any info on this Leviathan is someone called Alex Garneau, who's all the way in the Calestone Rift…if he hasn't left yet."

"So a regular day for you, huh?"

Shepard looked at him sidelong and tried not to smile, "Shut up, Jimmy."

"Did you at least find out what a Leviathan is?" He leaned back and watched her as she spoke, his eyes travelling over her expressive face. "Hackett made it sound damned important."

She nodded, "Whatever this Leviathan is we need its help. It's big, powerful and capable of killing a Reaper."

That got James attention and he saw forward suddenly, "It _killed_ a Reaper?"

"Yep. Unfortunately Bryson got himself killed before he could tell me what he found." She looked disgruntled at that, "It took a little detective work but we worked out where Garneau was and we're going to be heading there as soon as Joker can get us cleared from the Citadel."

"You'll find this guy, Lola."

"Thanks." She smiled at him and leaned back against the couch, swinging her legs up and plonking them in his lap as she stretched, "So what did you want to see me about? Or was this just a clever way of chasing Kaidan away?"

"What? No!" James straightened, "I wanted to ask you about something personal. I didn't even know that major was up here."

"Mmm, well you looked a little unhappy when you walked in so I thought I'd ask. I only asked him for a quick report about what happened here while I was on Omega." She looked amused, and it was obvious that his jealousy must have shown on his face before he could hide it. Rennah smiled a little wider, "So what's your personal question?"

"Uh." He hesitated and sudden found himself wishing that he'd just left this alone. "I, uh…"

"What?" She swung her legs back off him and sat up, looking concerned as he hesitated, "Are you okay?"

"Yeah, I just…"

_Say it! Just say it! You look stupid!_

He took a deep breath and said the first thing he could think of, "I looked up the Good Shepard's Home for Children…"

"Oh." Shepard looked away and bit her bottom lip, almost immediately tapping her finger tips agitatedly on the couch beside her. "I was hoping you'd forgotten about that."

"No, I didn't." He shook his head and hoped he wasn't digging himself into a hole, "I'm sorry if I'm prying but what I read about that place was horrible. I have to know if you were one of the children they…"

She interrupted him with a slow nod, "Yeah, I was sent there when I was five and I was one of the kids who they sold." Rennah looked at him and shrugged, "It's not something I talk about a lot because I don't remember much, but I was one of the lucky ones really. What happened to me was no big deal."

" _No big deal?"_ James was flabbergasted and he struggled to put what he was feeling in words, "They sold you like you were a piece of meat!"

She shook her head and her violet eyes connected with his, the serious look in them enough to silence him, "No, they sold me like I was a _weapon_." Rennah stood up and paced a little bit in front of him, "I was only in care there for a few months before they sold a bunch of us to the Reds, I don't even know how many of us they took because I was so little." She abruptly rubbed at her forehead, "I didn't even speak English, James."

"You spoke Russian, right?" He was rewarded by a flash of genuine surprise on her face, and he explained himself, "You spoke Russian in your sleep when you were unconscious after Sur'Kesh."

"Yeah, my parents were Russian. After my father died, my mother moved to Los Angeles to take part in an outreach program for parents with young biotic children, or at least that's what they _think_ happened. I do know that my mother died when I was five, although I never found out how." She laughed bitterly, "I barely remember my mother, let alone my father."

"You had no other family?"

"Not that the Alliance could find, so lucky me got to go to Good Shepard's." The sarcasm in her voice was thick and she sat down next to him with a sigh, "At least the Reds took care of me, although I think they were a little miffed that the biotic they bought was a small girl who couldn't even speak English, let alone use her biotics properly." She laughed humorously again.

James reached out and wasn't surprised when she shrugged off his hands and his sympathy, "I'm sorry that happened to you..."

"It's _fine_." Rennah's violet eyes met his and James saw that she was fine, there wasn't even a hint of pain or hurt in her eyes, "It was a long time ago and it made me the person I am."

"Can I ask you something else?" She nodded without speaking and James continued, "There was a photo of a little girl in one of the article who looked like you, but her name was Raina Varlakov. Is that you?"

Shepard stared at him for a moment and slowly began to smile, "I _was_ Raina Varlakov." She laughed and this time there was real humour in it, "See, when they sold us to the Reds they made all of us change our last names to Shepard, you know, because we _came_ from Good Shepard. I guess they wanted to separate most of us from our old lives, make us forget about who we used to be. Anyway, most of the other kids all kept their first name, but because they couldn't understand me they didn't know what my first name was. I was so little that I was pronouncing 'Raina' closer to 'Rennah', so that's what they called me." She laughed again as James looked confused.

"That's not funny." He frowned, unable to believe that she found it so amusing, "Why didn't you change it back?"

Rennah shrugged, "I grew up being called Rennah Shepard and didn't find out my real name until I was seventeen. As far as I'm concerned, Raina Varlakov is a stranger's name." She grinned at the dubious expression on his face, "Think about it James; I don't _remember_ being called Raina Varlakov, I don't even really remember my real parents and I can't remember how to speak much Russian. Whoever that little girl was going to become, it wasn't me."

James was even more surprised now than he had been earlier. Rennah's acceptance of what had happened to her and the loss of her identity was unexpected and surprising. It had to have been traumatic for her, but she behaved as though it wasn't such a big deal.

"I just…" He started to speak again but she interrupted him.

"Let it go, James." She gave him a playful look that had a slightly serious edge to it, "And don't go digging any deeper into my history, okay? I did things with the Reds that I'm not proud of, and I'd rather not be reminded of them."

James nodded quickly, "Of course, I'm sorry I've stirred things up."

"It's fine." She shrugged again but there was a tone in her voice that left no room for argument, "But no more and I'd rather if you didn't mention this to anyone else."

"You have my word." James held her gaze and she nodded, apparently satisfied that he would keep his promise.

Shepard tilted her head towards him and that familiar teasing light sprang to life in her eyes as she watched him, moving closer to him on the couch and nestling softly against him, "Now, how about you fill me in on this conversation you had with Kaidan while I was gone, because Kaidan mentioned that you two spoke, but he was surprisingly tight lipped about the details..."

* * *

**A/N – I hope you enjoyed that; it's really only a basic look at her past but it sets up her life with the Reds. The next chapter should be out early next week and has a little more tension between the boys, and a nice steamy moment between James and Shepard ^_^**

**Let me know what you thought of this chapter :)**


	28. The Sky Is Broken

_Disclaimer: I don't own Mass Effect. I only meddle with their world._

**A/N – Thank you to the people who reviewed my last chapter. Your feedback cheered me up over what was a really stressful weekend – so thank you! This chapter was fun to write, but it's much longer than I intended. Blame Shepard and James!**

* * *

"Shepard! We have more Reapers inbound." Garrus was only a few metres away from her, but his voice was almost drowned out by the sound of a harvester dropping off more troops.

"Shit!" Rennah hunkered down next to the repair drone and wished for the hundredth time in the last few minutes that she was better with tech so she could make it hurry up. "Do not let them get close to us!"

"Copy that."

She felt like a sitting duck out in the open with only pipes to hide behind, and she was guessing that Garrus and James weren't much happier about it than she was. The drone was ridiculously slow and waiting for it to repair the power supply to the door was painful. The first repair had gone well enough, but the second damaged line had been further out and the reapers troops had attacked them as soon as they left the cover.

She was really starting to hate this place and this mission; there was something really creepy about the pod-people vibe that everyone here had going on. It reminded her of the people on Feros who had been controlled by the Thorian. She'd _really_ hated the Thorian. That giant plant-thing had been repulsive and if it turned out that Leviathan was another Thorian, well, that would be a problem.

An ear-splitting shriek filled the air and Rennah cursed and dropped lower as anther of the messed up reaperfied asari climbed up from a lower level. Its spindly limbs and bulging pot belly were repulsive, but after fighting one of them on the way in she knew better than the underestimate the horrible creature. These things moved in biotic leaps that allowed them to close in fast without giving much time to take them out, and their biotic barrier was _tough_. She really didn't want to find out what they did to you if they got close enough.

"Shit!" She swore again and began to power up her biotics, "Stop that thing before it gets near us!"

"We have another one coming from behind." James slid over a metal duct and landed next to her, pointing back the way they'd come where a faint blue glow heralded the arrival of the second asari. A moment later she heard the tell-tale shriek of the creature as it climbed into view, the air around it vibrating with energy.

"Fuck! I can't leave this stupid fucking drone!" She glared at the machine, "Garrus focus your fire on the one that's ahead of us and James, you take down the one coming up from behind. I'll try and keep you both covered from here while I babysit this thing!"

"I'm on it, Commander."

"You got it, Lola."

Garrus and James spoke simultaneously and then moved off to tackle their targets. It was a risk to split them up to deal with the hideous asari, but she was running out of options and every moment they wasted up on top of this building was another moment she wasn't in the mines chasing Garneau.

Rennah raised her handgun and concentrated on firing at the husks that were still scattered over the building, occasionally managing to take a shot at one of the asari. Finally she heard the drone announce behind her that the repairs were completed and she leaped away, moving forward and taking cover behind a duct. She had a perfect vantage point from where she was, and it allowed her to see the creature that Garrus was taking on abruptly jump forward biotically and seize him, picking him up in one hand while he struggled to break free.

"Garrus!" She gathered up all of her biotic energy and hurled it at the creature in an attack that Aria had been kind enough to teach her on Omega.

The biotic energy slammed into it and the creature let out a howl, but it stayed standing and an instant later it pulled back one clawed hand and smashed it _through_ Garrus. The turian let out a scream of pain and Shepard launched herself forward, charging blindly at the asari and smashing into it with as much force as she could. It dropped Garrus and loomed over her, its hollow black eyes and skull-like face gazing down at her like some kind of horror movie monstrosity.

Rennah didn't care how horrifying it looked; she aimed her gun and began firing point black into its face, her barrier blazing around her as she dodged its clawed hands. She channelled her energy into another biotic blast and sent it at the asari as she leaped back out of its range, aware that her barrier would be down until her biotics cooled. The attack hit the asari dead on and black blood dribbled from its mouth as it stumbled backwards with a shriek and toppled off the building.

Shepard panted and stared after it for a second, then she turned her attention on Garrus, terrified of what she would find. She couldn't hear any more gunfire coming from James' direction and a cold terror swept through her as she wondered if this had happened to him too. If she'd gotten the most important men in her life killed she wasn't sure what the hell she'd do.

"I got it, Commander." James voice sent a wave of relief pouring through her and she turned back to Garrus.

"Vakarian! Can you hear me?" She dropped to her knees and gently rolled him over, gasping as she saw the huge meaty hole in his shoulder where the creature had punched through his armour and his body.

He was unconscious but still breathing and Shepard quickly radioed Cortez for a pickup from the roof, unable to do anything except squeeze medigel into the gaping hole and hope that that would help in the short term. Garrus was a tough son of a bitch and had survived a lot of wounds, but this was bad and he'd already lost a lot of blood. James arrived limping with a nasty wound down the side of his face, but Shepard kept her focus on Garrus.

_Don't die, Garrus! I need you!_

"I've called Cortez in for a roof pickup." She glanced up at James who was standing above her and scanning for more enemies, "I'm going after Garneau, but I need you to stay with Garrus and get him back to the Normandy…"

"I'm not leaving you here by yourself, Commander." He looked down at her stubbornly, "Not with those things running around."

Shepard stood up and turned to face James, "I'm not asking you, Lieutenant, It's an _order_."

"Shepard, Garneau is _loco_!" James frowned at her and gestured in the direction that he'd run. "There's not point chasing after him now, especially without anyone to back you up…"

"Enough!" Shepard snapped, feeling a felt a rush of annoyance pulse through her, "Garrus will die if you don't help him! I am _not_ giving you a choice in this. You _will_ follow my orders, is that clear?"

This was the last thing she needed; James trying to be the protective male when she was capable of keeping herself safe! He wanted to argue, she could see in his eyes that he didn't want to leave her alone, but as he looked down at Garrus the stubborn streak slid away and he nodded, "Yes, Commander."

She almost sighed with relief. If James didn't go back with Garrus there was a chance that the turian would die, hell, there was a chance he was going to die anyway, but his chances were vastly improved with James there to keep an eye on him and stem the blood. She didn't want to have to worry about Garrus or James; right now she had to focus on finding Garneau.

"Be careful, Lola." James touched her wrist gently and she hesitated as he held out some spare thermal clips. "I'll keep Scars alive, you do the same for yourself."

"I will." Shepard took the clips, stowed the ammo and drew her handgun as she took one final look at Garrus and prayed this this wasn't the last time she was going to see him. As she turned to go, she could feel James' eyes, dark and unhappy, following her as she jogged away.

There was a tight burning in her chest as she left Garrus behind in such a bad state, but she _had_ to go on with the mission. There was too much at stake for her to give up now, even if it cost the life of one of her best friends. The galaxy was bigger than one life; bigger than Garrus and bigger than her.

All she could do was push on and hope that Garrus Vakarian proved to be as indestructible this time as he had every other time.

* * *

Cortez radioed that they were coming in with Garrus badly injured and Chakwas, Liara and Kaidan met them in the shuttle bay. James had used blankets to staunch the bleeding, but it hadn't done much to help as far as he could tell. The only positives on the flight back was that Garrus hadn't died and Shepard had contacted Cortez for a pickup when they were almost to the Normandy.

The doctor took one look at Garrus, loaded him onto a stretcher and took him away with Liara running beside her, using her biotics to keep him stable. James expected Kaidan to go with them, as he had basic medical training, but Kaidan turned on him the instant the others had gone. He waited until Cortez had gone to retrieve Shepard before he gave James the kind of look that Anderson had given him that time he'd allowed Shepard to get shot on Earth.

"Are you really as stupid as you look?" Kaidan growled angrily as he stormed up to him, his biotics flaring angrily as he slammed a hand against the metal bulkhead next to James, "How could you leave Shepard down there by herself?"

_Whoa…!_

James straightened and fought hard not to flinch at the anger the other man was directing at him, "She ordered me to…"

"Screw that!" Alenko cut him off angrily, "She's more important than Garrus and you shouldn't have left without her." He pulled his hand away and from the corner of his eye James saw that the metal was slightly dented form the impact; clearly Kaidan packed a hell of a punch when he used his biotics. "She could be dead or injured right now…"

"But she's not! She's _fine_!" James clenched his teeth and pushed away from the wall, "I'm not happy about leaving her down there either, but she's my Commanding officer and I have to follow her orders." As he moved away from the wall Alenko fell back a step and James glared at the shorter man angrily, "Besides which, she can take care of herself, _Major_."

Kaidan shook his head and laughed bitterly, "I'm going to give you some advice when it comes to Shepard, and I'd listen very carefully if I were you." He moved closer again and the anger in his eyes was almost enough to make James back up. "There are times when you need to speak up and say no to her. Regardless of whether or not she's your commanding officer, there are some orders which you _need_ to ignore."

The passion in his voice was unmistakable and James realised that Kaidan was referring to his last moments with her on the original Normandy, when she'd ordered him to leave. He could imagine how much Kaidan had lost by following that order, and how many times he'd probably relived that situation and wondered what would have happened if he'd said no. This wasn't the same thing though. He hadn't left Shepard in a life or death situation and even though he hadn't wanted to follow her order to leave, she hadn't been in any immediate danger.

"I appreciate your insight, sir, but maybe you need to have a little more faith in Shepard." James knew it was rude, but he walked away from Alenko and didn't look back.

There were more pressing things for him to worry about than what might have happened if Shepard had been hurt down there; she hadn't. Garrus was the person who was in real danger, and if Kaidan wanted to fuck around arguing with him about what might have happened, then he could do it upstairs where James could keep an eye on his friend. He caught the elevator back up, not surprised when Kaidan didn't join him in the small space and opted to catch the elevator up after him.

When Alenko arrived upstairs he ignored James completely and went straight to help Chakwas. The windows had been darkened in the medbay so James couldn't see in and he sat at the mess table by himself while he waited for news. He saw Shepard arrive, the Commander looking none the worse for wear after doing the last leg of the mission by herself. She was carrying a data pad which she put down on the table in front of her as she joined him.

"Any news?" She asked quietly, her face drawn and pale as she glanced at the darkened windows.

James shook his head, "No. Did you get Garneau?"

She looked at him with shadowed violet eyes and then let her gaze fall to the data pad in front of her, "No. The man we were chasing wasn't even him, but he did lead me to his body. Then the damned indoctrinated fool blew himself up before I could talk to him, and the only thing I found was this." She indicated the data pad in front of her, "It looks like Bryson's daughter was involved in this Leviathan mess too, so I'm going to try to track her down. God knows what it'll do though. Every time I think we've found someone who can help us, they _die_."

Shepard and James lapsed into a depressed silence as they waited for news of their friend, and after what seemed like a long time Liara came out, her blue skin speckled with Garrus blood. She looked exhausted as she sat down with them and James felt himself tense up at the look on her face. Garrus had become one of his best friends on the Normandy. If something had happened to him…

"Liara…?"

"I think he'll be okay." Liara responded to Shepard's unspoken request for information, "He's lost a lot of blood and the wound is terrible, but Chakwas has stabilised him and is doing what she can to repair the damage."

Shepard let out a breath and put her head in her hands, "Thank god."

"Thank Chakwas, actually."

James looked up and scowled as he saw Kaidan coming towards them; like Liara he was splattered in the turians blood and looked exhausted. He pulled out a chair and sat down next to Liara, his attention completely on Shepard as he reached out and patted her hand, a gesture that was completely innocent but which made James blood boil. He wished Kaidan would stop finding excuses to touch her.

"He won't be going on any missions for a few weeks, but so long as the tissue that Chakwas is culturing takes, he should be fine." Kaidan drew his hand back and gave Shepard a warm and reassuring smile that made James want to punch him.

"Thanks Kaidan." Shepard aimed a tired smile at him and glanced back at the medbay again. "Joker, get us back to the Citadel."

"You got it Commander."

Liara excused herself and James nodded to her as she left, wishing that it was Kaidan who was making himself scarce, but it was clear that he wasn't going anywhere. He hated that he felt like this whenever Kaidan was around Shepard, and he stood up and went to the kitchen, trying to stay busy and distract himself as they began to discuss Garrus' injuries and how long he'd be in the medbay. He made himself a cup of coffee and brought a cup of mint tea over to Shepard, not missing Kaidan's brief annoyed look when Shepard turned her attention back to James to thank him.

"Well, will you be up for joining the ground team?" Shepard took a sip of her tea and looked back over at Kaidan, appearing not to notice as James tensed next to her. "I'll need someone who knows their way around tech since James and I are completely useless at it."

James wanted to scream as Kaidan smiled and nodded. "Of course. We've always made a good team."

_Son of a bitch!_

It was all he could do not to leap across the table and hit Kaidan when his eyes flicked briefly to James' and he saw the smug satisfaction in them. Was this what he'd meant by not giving up on Shepard? Had he been waiting for a chance like this? James bristled. Alenko was completely deluded if he thought he was in with a chance just because Shepard was letting him act as Garrus' replacement. She was doing this because it was practical to have Kaidan replace him, not because she wanted to spend more time with him.

James kept reminding himself of this as Kaidan and Shepard began to reminisce about memorable ground missions they'd gone on while they were chasing after Saren. Their shared history did bother him, James realised. He was used to having Shepard all to himself and being the person who she had a connection to. Yes, she was friends with lots of other people, but she hadn't once been in love with those other people.

Shepard occasionally tried to include James in the stories as she and Kaidan talked, but he still felt excluded and after a fifteen minutes or so he was fed up with it. He couldn't help but feel that Kaidan was trying to draw her back to a life and time when she'd been in love with him, and a time when James wasn't in her life. 

Eventually he stood up, trying not to let his jealousy show. "Well, thrilling as this is, I'm going to go downstairs and get a workout in."

"What?" Shepard stood up beside him, her face a little apologetic as she realised how left out he must have been feeling. "Have you seen Chakwas about your face?" She gently touched the deep scratch that the asari had given him as it went down.

"It'll be fine, I'll put some medigel on it." He caught her hand and saw there was blood on it and realised he must have been bleeding the whole time he'd been waiting. He hadn't felt anything, but now that she'd drawn attention to it he could feel it.

"Another scar for the collection?"

"Well, I know how much you dig them." He gave her a brief smile, but her flirting couldn't quite fix the unpleasant feeling that had settled inside of him. "Let me know when Scars is awake."

"I will." Shepard gave him a look that said she knew why he was leaving, but she didn't try to stop him as he went downstairs.

He stripped off his armour in the armoury and grimaced when he saw himself in a mirror; he was a mess. It was wonder that no one had said anything to him as the scratch was incredibly deep and blood had run down half of his face. He cleaned it up as best he could, applied medigel to it and got dressed in his usual t-shirt and alliance trousers. His leg was still aching a little where he'd taken a biotic hit, but it wasn't anything serious.

His workout was less of a chance to exercise and more him beating the hell out of the punching bag while he worked through his frustration. All of the jealousy he was feeling about Shepard asking Kaidan to join the ground team, he pounded into the bag. Illogical as it was to feel jealous when he was the one with Shepard, he still felt sick to his stomach at the thought that a small part of Rennah  wanted to go back to Kaidan.

It wasn't like she had ended things with him by choice; she'd died and he'd moved on. When she'd tried to reconnect with him, it had been Kaidan who had left her. What if she was regretting walking away from Alenko now that he'd changed his mind? What if she was only realising now, after having Kaidan back on the ship again, that she actually missed being with him? What if Kaidan was really the person she wanted in her life?

"I think the punching bag had learned its lesson, Jimmy."

James jumped at the sound of Shepard's voice and turned around to see her leaning against his workbench watching him. She'd taken off her armour and was dressed simply in a pair of BDU bottoms and a short sleeved N7 shirt. She still looked tired, but her eyes were bright and sparkled a beautiful deep indigo as she watched him.

"How's Scars?" He looked back at the punching bad and gave it one final smack before he stepped back, "Is he going to be okay?

"He's still unconscious but Chakwas thinks he'll be fine. " There was a pause and James looked up at her to find her staring at him. "Do you want talk about it?" She asked finally as she pushed away from the bench and came towards him, "Kaidan, I mean?"

_How did she know?_

"Yeah, I guess." James sighed and wiped some sweat off his forehead with a towel that had seen better days, "I'll be blunt, I'm not sure it's a good idea having Kaidan with us on the ground team. He and I don't exactly get along."

Shepard made a face at his words and waved a hand at him, "We're all adults, James. We should be able to function together as a team without letting our personal feelings get in the way."

"I know that's how it's supposed to work, but I don't trust him, especially not when he's still watching you like a little lost puppy half of the time."

" _James Vega_!" Shepard exclaimed softly as she walked forward and linked her arms around his neck, staring up at him with that small smile on her face. "Are you _jealous_?"

He hesitated for a beat and then scowled. "Maybe."

"Don't be." Shepard went up on her tiptoes and pressed a gentle kiss against his lips, and then a second hotter kiss that had enough heat in it to make James start to burn. She pulled back and looked at him with that twinkle in her eye that James had come to recognise only too well. "The only man I want is _you_. Maybe I should remind you how much I want you…?"

James felt some of the tension ease out of him and he wrapped his arms around her, wondering how she knew exactly what to say to make him feel better. She could be incredibly sweet sometimes, and this was one of those times when he remembered that under the solider and the legend, she was just a regular woman. He felt her shift her hips sexily against his, and an instantly later her hands began to move along his shoulders and down his arms, the pressure of touch enough to encourage him to pull her closer.

"EDI, is anyone else in the shuttle bay right now?" Shepard's voice was soft and slightly muffled against his neck, however the AI could evidently hear her perfectly well.

"No Shepard, you and Lieutenant Vega are alone."

"Good, let's keep it that way. Can you lock off this level from the elevator and disable the security feed?" Shepard pulled back from James and winked at him saucily.

"Your current position isn't visible on the camera…"

"Just _shut it down_ , EDI." Shepard leaned forward to nibble on his neck, and James groaned as heat began to rush lower in his body.

"Of course, Shepard."

"Do it. If people need to talk to me, they can make contact via you or my omni-tool."

"Yes, Shepard."

Rennah flashed James a wicked smile and ran a hand down his chest, tracing the logo on the front and then dipping lower. James felt his muscles contract helplessly under her touch, and his body reacted at the sensation of her fingers dipping lower and lower on his stomach. Locking off the shuttle bay was a hell of a way for them to get some alone time, but he was game if she was.

At least Esteban couldn't walk in on them this time.

"I always liked your shirts." Shepard traced the logo again, her eyes sultry and low-lidded, "The first time I met you, when Anderson brought you to the ship on Omega, the first thing I noticed about you was your _tight_ shirt." She grinned a little wider, "I may have briefly entertained thoughts about what might be under it."

James tried not to flex as Shepard pulled his shirt off him, her eyes meeting his with a sizzle before they dropped lower and slid appreciatively over his chest. It still blew his mind that she was actually interested in him and that they were a couple, and in some ways he supposed he was worried that he wasn't good enough for her. It was only when they were alone together like this that he knew without any doubt that she wanted and desired him.

"I always thought you were hot no matter what you were wearing or, you know, _not wearing_." James couldn't resist removing her shirt too, but the bra she was wearing underneath spoiled his view of her body and he turned her around so he could unclip and remove it, running his hands lightly down the tattoos on her back.

He'd had lots of time to study the designs over the past few days, but every time he saw them he seemed to find something new. He outlined the symbols on her lower back and then followed the contours of the patterns up to trace around the space scene with its planets and stars. Then, on instinct, he moved one hand up higher and lightly traced the skin around her amp. Shepard went rigid under his hands and he heard her let out a shaky breath as she leaned forward and rested against his workbench.

He brushed one finger lightly over her amp port and she instantly jerked under his hands, letting out a noise that was half whimper, half gasp. She gripped the edge of the bench as goose bumps spread over her skin and her knees buckled as though she was about to fall. He lightly brushed against the amp again, the barest of touches, and this time Shepard's knees did buckle as she cried out, and James only just managed to catch her before she fell.

"Too much?" He turned her around and lifted her up to sit on the bench, slightly concerned that maybe he'd misjudged the effect that touching her port would have.

Shepard shook her head, staring at him dazedly with dilated pupils and parted lips, "No. That felt _good_."

She reached out with a growl and pulled him to her almost violently, her hands digging into his skin. Their mouths came together in a fiery kiss that seemed to steal the air from his lungs; a hungry kiss that was all tongue, lips and teeth. There was a desperation to Shepard's movements as she arched against him and raked her nails down his arms so hard that James knew she was going to leave marks.

She was wild against him, moaning and twisting in pleasure as he turned his attention to her perfect breasts, lavishing attention on one and then the other. Did she know how hot she looked perched topless on his workbench? She was like something straight out of one of his fantasies, only this wasn't a dream.

He kissed his way through the valley between her breasts, over her taunt stomach and dipped his tongue into her navel, grinning to himself as she made another little sound of pleasure and let herself fall back against his workbench, apparently too strung out on sensations to hold herself upright. He removed her pants in a few quick movements, sliding first her boots and then her pants and underwear off until she lay naked before him.

"James…please…" She raised her head up to look at him, her skin flushed and eyes dark with need.

He was already rock hard and aching, but the sight of her naked and waiting for him sent his blood pounding through his body. He unfastened his pants and stepped out of them, then stepped between her thighs and leaned across her body so he could kiss her again, her tongue sliding teasingly against his. As the kiss deepened she wrapped her legs around his waist and arched her back, and James felt a pang of desire so strong it was painful.

He positioned himself at her entrance and slowly began to push forward, the delicious sensation of sinking into her tight, wet warmth driving everything else but Shepard from his mind. She moved under him, her muscles tightening around him and he gasped. He took hold of her waist to steady himself and pulled her towards him as he thrust forward, burying himself in her. Both of them cried out, and James stilled for a moment as he enjoyed the sensation of being sheathed inside her almost scorching warmth, her biotics already lightly flaring and making him tingle.

He began to move then, long slick strokes that must have felt just as good for Shepard as they did for him, and she sat up and wrapped her legs even tighter around his waist. She clung to him tightly, their breath mingling as she panted against his lips and then kissed him again, biting his lower lip and raking her nails down his back. He gritted his teeth as she groaned and twisted against him, her small movements making her pelvic muscles tighten over and over.

" _Dios mío_ , Lola!" He caught her face in her hands and kissed, his movements inside of her became faster and more urgent.

He felt all coherent thoughts slide away as the wonderful tension built inside of him, every fibre of his being straining towards the thundering ecstasy he could feel approaching. He lowered his head and took one of Rennah breasts in his mouth, biting gently as he thrust into her harder, using his superior strength to keep her still when she cried out and writhed again him, almost pulling away.

He switched to the other breast and Shepard arched her back and cried out, her body tightening rhythmically around him as she shattered, her control gone as she went up like a supernova and her biotics almost blinded him. He wasn't far behind, and after another three deep thrusts into her he shuddered and gave into the sweet release that crashed over him, moaning her name helplessly.

They clung together, lost in each other's bodies until the waves of pleasure receded, then Shepard let out a delighted laugh and flopped back against his workbench, her body lightly coated in a sheen of sweat. She was such a passionate woman, James thought as he watched her stretch in bliss, and so wonderfully sensual and responsive. He smiled down at her and moved to one side to lean against the bench, completely exhausted from the sex and the workout he'd done prior.

"My god, James!" She reached up and affectionately trailed a hand down his chest, "That was incredible."

He leaned forward and kissed her, "Speak for yourself, Lola. You were pretty damn amazing."

She smiled and slowly sat up, taking her underclothes from him as he retrieved them from the ground and offered them to her. They dressed quietly, but it was a companionable silence that was free of strain, and every time James met Shepard's eyes he was pleased to see her smile. He could feel the connection between them and he realised, idiotically, how stupid he had been to get so worked up about Kaidan.

"You know, Joker probably knows exactly what we did down here." James finished pulling his shirt on and couldn't resist playfully slapping Shepard on the backside when she bent down to pick up her shirt.

"Probably," She grinned over her shoulder at him, "But I'm _sure_ he'll believe us when we were training."

James stifled a laugh "Well, it was the best workout session I ever had."

"For me as well, Jimmy." Shepard took his hand and snuggled under his arm as they made their way to the elevator together.

* * *

**A/N – I love Rennah and James. So so much! Please review and let me know what you thought of this chapter.**

**Also, I wrote a lovely little Kaidan/Shepard one shot which I posted the other day called Coffee and Chocolate, so if you're a Shenko fan you should check it out. It's cute. I'm biased of course, but it's cute.**


	29. Things Fall Apart

_Disclaimer: I do not own Mass Effect…I only meddle in their world!_

**A/N – This took me longer to get out than I original planned. Partly because it was one of the most troublesome chapters I've ever had to write, and partly because I've been working on a Vega/Shepard challenge fic. Hopefully everyone enjoys this chapter because it's important to the plot...even though it was bloody tough to get through!  
**

**Reviews are welcome and always loved :)**

* * *

Anne Bryson was clinging to James as though he was a rock in a fast flowing river, and no matter he did to try and convince her that she could let go of him, she didn't seem to want to listen.

She'd kept her head for most of the reaper attack on Namakil, but when the platform she was on had abruptly given way and fallen beneath her, she'd been left holding onto to a bent support strut miles above the ground and she'd gone into hysterics. James had been able to save her, jumping down and swinging out athletically, moving in quick leaps that he was only able to do because, embarrassingly, he'd been a gymnast all through high school.

He'd carried her back up safely but by that time she was beyond hysterical and James had become her knight in shining armour. She'd kept a hold of his arm the entire time she led them to the artefact, and he hadn't been immune to the amused looks Kaidan was giving Shepard as they watched him try to deal with the clingy woman. He felt sorry for her and all, but it was hard to do his job when she was clinging to his arm and begging him not to leave her.

When they'd reached the artefact and Leviathan had seized control of Anne, James had been totally freaked out to see Anne's eyes go black and hear that otherworld voice coming from her. Thankfully Shepard had acted fast and destroyed the artefact and Anne had passed out briefly after it was destroyed. He'd had briefly gained his freedom from her while she'd been unconscious, but she'd woken up before long and had latched onto him again.

The shuttle flight back to the Normandy had been worse, as the moment Shepard informed Anne of her father's death she began to cry, and had clung to James all the harder. He did what he could to console her, but didn't miss the annoyed looks that Rennah have him as he tried to soothe Anne. He wasn't sure what he was supposed to do though, it wasn't like he could just shove her away from him.

He empathised with the young woman; it was clear that her father had meant a lot to her and, despite Shepard breaking the news of his death in a sympathetic way, she was heartbroken. So here he was, sitting with Kaidan watching him with amusement, Shepard watching him with something that he suspected was jealousy, and Anne Bryson sobbing all over him.

"Having fun?" Kaidan mouthed at him and James rolled his eyes as the biotic grinned at his discomfort.

Contrary to his fears, they were functioning well as a team and Kaidan had been nothing but professional to James for the entire mission. In fact, the two of them had actually managed to joke with one another as they fought together to take out several brutes. Loathe as James was to admit it, Kaidan and Shepard did make a good team, in fact if he was completely honest, they were a _great_ team.

They used their biotics in way that made it seem as though they intuitively knew what the other would do, complimenting each other's attacks and doubling the damage a regular biotic team would have done. He still hated the way Kaidan watched Shepard, but he was doing his best to let it go. Especially seeing as how Rennah had made it very clear that he was the one that she wanted.

As the shuttle touched down in the Normandy's shuttle bay James managed to disentangle himself from Anne and stand up, but before he could step away she'd let out another small sob and grasped his arm tightly. Her fingers clung to his armour so tightly he wondered if she had suckers on them or something. He wanted to shake her off but the sight of her face, tinged grey with fear and despair, made his heart contract and he stifled a sigh as he patted her hand kindly.

"Lieutenant Vega has to attend a debriefing." Shepard snapped as she stood beside him and stared down at Anne frostily, her face far less sympathetic than it had been earlier. "You'll need to let go of him."

"But I...I don't want to be alone. My father..." She began to dissolve into tears again and Shepard looked at James in exasperation as though this was somehow his fault.

"How about if Major Alenko takes you down to the mess and makes you a cup of tea." James dislodged her hand carefully and looked hopefully at Kaidan, trusting that the other man didn't hate him so much that he'd leave him stuck in this predicament.

It seemed he didn't and he nodded as he aimed a pleasant smile at Anne, "Of course I will. C'mon Miss Bryson, we'll head down to the mess and we can chat if you like..."

Kaidan smoothly led Anne out of the shuttle, and James stifled a feeling of guilt when she tossed him a look of genuine distress over her shoulder. It was as though she were certain something bad would happen to her the moment he was out of her sight. He couldn't help but notice that Shepard watched her go with narrowed eyes and far less empathy, glancing at James with obvious irritation on her face.

"I suppose you enjoyed that?" She seemed almost angry at him, but James didn't take it personally. If they'd rescued a good looking man and he'd clung and pressed himself against Shepard he would have been annoyed too.

James shrugged, "I feel sorry for her, but I'm not really into weepy women." He checked no one was watching and slid his arms around her waist to pull her closer to him, "I'm more into sexy warrior women who have really _big_ guns."

There was something about seeing Shepard in her armour that made him think naughty thoughts that were much more suited to the bedroom then the battlefield. He pulled her body tightly against his, their armour grinding slightly as he held her close, and then he covered her mouth with his and kissed thoroughly. Rennah murmured quietly in pleasure and opened her mouth to his kiss, raising her hand to the back of his head to hold him closer.

When she pulled away she looked slightly dazed and looked at him with smouldering eyes, "Are you trying to distract me, Mr. Vega?"

"Not at all, ma'am." He grinned and dropped another quick kiss on her lips.

Shepard pulled away from him and jumped down from the shuttle, "So, working with Kaidan wasn't as traumatic as you feared?"

"No, he was surprisingly pleasant to work with." James was relieved to see that Kaidan and Anne had vanished as he leaped down beside her.

Rennah slung her sniper rifle over her shoulder and lead the way towards the armoury, her hips swinging sexily in her amour, "Well he is usually quite professional and friendly. It's only been his recent behaviour in regards to us that has been less than appropriate."

"If you say so." James jogged to catch up with her, "I must admit I had no idea how good his biotics are. He uses them differently to you, but they're still impressive."

"We have different skill sets." They went into the armour and Shepard put her guns down on a shelf so she could begin removing her armour, "I'm better at close combat and biotic blasts but he's infinitely better at holding people in stasis, throwing and using cryo-blasts."

James tried not to watch Shepard too closely as she stripped down to her underwear and then began to dress again, "What's it like?" He asked absently, "You know, being a biotic? I mean, does it hurt or tingle or what?"

She laughed softly, "It tingles when I use my biotics, but it's more of a rush. I feel powerful, like I have electricity in my veins."

"Is that why my skin tingles a little when I'm around you?" James finished pulling his armour off and began to dress in his BDUs, glancing sidelong at Rennah to flash her a cheeky grin as he pulled a shirt on. "Or is that just our chemistry?"

"You're lame, Vega." She rolled her eyes and came over to slap him on the shoulder, "You need some new lines."

He closed his locker and stepped away, picking up his guns from the floor so he could return them to the rack, "I'll work on that, Lola. In the meantime, can I call on you to be my bodyguard against Miss Bryson?"

"Oh, you bet." Shepard followed him out, her mouth twisting in annoyance as they racked their guns, "If I see her clinging to you again, I might end up tossing her back to the reapers!"

* * *

The journey back to the Citadel passed mostly without incident, although Shepard couldn't help but find Anne Bryson annoying. The woman spent the majority of her time crying in the room they gave her, and when she did come out she had a tendency to roam around the ship looking for James. Rennah felt sorry about her father dying, but she was sick of the way she was blatantly throwing herself at Vega.

If the woman hadn't been their best shot at finding Leviathan she would have been tempted to dump her at the Citadel and leave.

Unfortunately she needed Anne Bryson to help her locate Leviathan, which was why she was currently standing in Bryson's apartment listening to her and EDI discuss quantum entanglement communication. Shepard didn't understand a lot of it, since tech had never been a speciality of hers, but she could understand that they thought they could trace Leviathan's signal when it used an artefact to control someone.

"Commander Shepard?" She looked up to see Anne watching her, her brown eyes uncertain as she walked towards her with EDI in tow, "I want to drop the shielding on the artefact and let it…take control of me."

"Is that safe?" Rennah frowned, the thought of exposing herself and James to Leviathan's controlling signal didn't exactly fill her with joy. Anne could expose herself to its mind-altering properties all she liked; she was already indoctrinated but they weren't.

"It should be fine, and it's the only way." Anne gave her a watery smile that Shepard guessed was supposed to be reassuring.

It wasn't.

"I'm not sure, Anne. We don't know enough about how Leviathan works. This artefact is dangerous. What if it…"

"It's nice of you to be worried about me, but this is the only way. We can drop the shields and let it take control of me, and then EDI can run a trace on the QEC signal and we can find where Leviathan is hiding." Anne spoke in a rush, clearly determined to do her part to track down the creature that was responsible for her fathers death.

_Worried about her?_

Shepard belatedly realised that Anne thought her reluctance to drop the shielding was out of concern for her, "Is there no other way?"

"Miss Bryson is correct Shepard." EDI stepped up, tilting her head as she spoke as though finding Shepard's reluctance curious, "Tracing the signal is our best and only chance of finding Leviathan."

She nodded and glanced from the artefact to Anne, "If you're sure about this then we'll do it."

"I need to do this for my father." Anne gave her a brave smile, "This thing is hiding in the cold and dark, but I'm not afraid of it." With a final nod, she moved off with EDI to the galaxy map and began to open up programs.

James drifted across from where he had been playing with a husk head experiment, frowning in concern as he watched as Anne and EDI began to set up the trace, "Commander, is this safe?"

"We should be fine." She shrugged, "We haven't been exposed to the artefact long enough for it to have any effect on us."

"No, I meant safe for _Anne_." James gave her a look as though he assumed she was joking, "It doesn't seem right to her let take a risk like this."

"Noted. We don't have a choice though."

Shepard tried to ignore the faint threads of annoyance that started to work their way through her as she heard the note of concern in James voice. She knew that he was just being his usual boy scout self and worrying about a helpless civilian, but after the way Anne had been throwing herself at him, she couldn't help but wonder if maybe he'd enjoyed it. It was all well and good for him to say that he preferred sexy strong women, but what man didn't enjoy being wanted and needed?

_How the tables have turned…_

She ignored the snide voice in her head, although it was speaking the truth. Only a few days earlier she'd been secretly revelling in the way James had been acting jealous of Kaidan. Every time her fellow Spectre looked at her or touched her James had looked ready to punch his lights out – and she'd loved it. It had even been a bit of a turn on, knowing that he wanted her so badly he couldn't stand the thought of her ex-lover still being around her.

"Commander? We are ready to begin." EDI motioned for Shepard to join her where she stood.

Anne was sitting on a bench in front of the artefact, which was shielded behind a glowing blue force field. Even though this was her own idea, she looked absolutely terrified; her face was pale, her eyes were wide and her hands were shaking a little bit as they sat in her laps. Shepard stifled a sigh and went to crouch down in front of her, meeting Anne's frightened eyes and trying to look reassuring.

"You don't have to do this, Anne." She looked earnestly into her frightened face, "We can just let this go if you're frightened."

"No, I want to do this." She nodded bravely and looked sideways, "Plus, Lieutenant Vega is here. I know he'll keep me safe."

"You bet." James nodded at her and moved to stand near the button that would deactivate the force field, "I'm going to be right here."

His very presence seemed to fill her with confidence and Rennah had to fight the urge not to roll her eyes as Anne looked at him and nodded, "I know you will."

She gave the nod to James and he dropped the shield, instantly the artefact began to swirl and glow and she heard the sound of EDI beginning to process the search, "Anything yet?"

"No nothing, I…" She paused and shivered and James stepped forward, placing a hand on either side of her shoulders as her body gave a sudden jerk and she seemed to almost crumple in on herself, clutching her head and whimpering. Just as quickly she convulsed again and her back arched as she twisted on the seat, her eyes staring sightlessly ahead as she let out a low whispering hiss and then spoke in a terrifying inhuman voice, " **Turn back! The darkness can't be breached!** "

"EDI? Anything?" Shepard looked away from Anne as she shrieked and twisted again, but glanced back when she heard James grunt with the effort of holding her still. He held her shoulders tightly but cursed loudly as he was almost thrown off balance by her convulsing.

"Still searching. Maintain connection."

"Where are you?" She stepped forward and Anne raised her head to glare at her, her eyes swirling with an endless black, "You can't hide forever! I found you and that means the Reapers will too!"

Anne hissed at her again and her face contorted into an angry snarl, **"You are a threat. You must be eliminated."**

"I'm not a threat to you!" She stepped back as the other woman twisted violently and clawed at her, wondering what leviathan thought it would achieve by hiding, "We need you! We need your help to stop the Reapers."

Anne laughed, but it was an alien laugh that lacked all humour and made the hair on the back of Rennah's neck stand up, **"There is no war…there is only the harvest."**

The scientist glanced up at her again and there was a fury in her eyes that Shepard suspected wasn't actually aimed at her. Whatever Leviathan was, it was angry at the Reapers. It feared them, that was clear, but it also hated them. That meant that there was still a chance that she could persuade this thing, whatever it was, to join them.

EDI looked up at her suddenly, "We have a partial lock, Commander, but it covers a wide area of space. Maintain the connection to narrow the search."

James looked relieved at EDI's words and he started to let go of Anne as he glanced at the button to raise the shield over the artefact, "I'll raise the shield…"

"Belay that, Lieutenant!" Shepard interrupted and shook her head at him, "We need to narrow the search band." She switched her attention back to Anne, wincing as she contorted like an angry snake and James struggled to hold her down, "We need you. Help us stop this."

Anne went perfectly still for a heartbeat and her eyes found Shepard's; there was silence for a moment and then she spoke in that low echoing voice that send shivers down Rennah's spine, **"The cycle cannot be broken."**

Abruptly, she let out a whimper of pain and she redoubled her efforts to break free as she thrashed in James' grip. Anne let out a sound of pain and despair, her face going slack as Leviathan held her in its control. Her body twisted at an almost painful angle and Vega looked up at Rennah, his eyes brown eyes full of horror at what was happening to the woman he was holding.

James started to let go of Anne, "This is _loco_! I'm stopping this…"

"Back off!" Shepard growled at James and her eyes flashed warningly, then she turned her attention back to Anne once more. She was sick of this. Sick of wasting her time chasing this thing all over the galaxy when it had the power to kill a reaper! She seized Ann by her shirt and pulled her up, her voice loud enough to make James flinch as she lost her temper at Leviathan, "Where are you? Tell me!"

Ann looked up at her silently for a second, and she went completely rigid. Blood began to trickle from her nose and eyes, and she smiled coldly at Shepard, **"Beyond** _ **your**_ **reach."**

Then all hell broke loose; the artefact emitted a sound so sharp it made both her and James cover their ears and it shattered the glass in front of it, exploding outwards in a wave of heat, light and razor sharp shards. Shepard covered her face with her arms, and saw Anne get flung forward from the force of the explosion, her petite frame crumpling motionless on the floor. For a second, as the wave passed over her, Rennah felt a peculiar feeling of intense cold and pressure, and then the feeling faded.

EDI looked up, apparently unconcerned about the explosion, "Search complete. We have Leviathan's location, Commander."

"James, get that shield up!" Shepard pointed at the artefact and felt a shiver of relief pass over her as he slammed his hand over the button and the oil-coloured artefact was once more safely ensconced behind the shield.

"Got it!" James turned around from the button and surveyed the room, his expression of relief changing to one of panic when he saw Anne lying sprawled on the floor, "Shit…Anne!" He rushed to her side and gently turned her over, guilt swimming in his eyes when he saw her pale and blood stained face, " _Dios_ …"

Shepard dropped down next to them, "Anne?" She gently touched the woman's shoulder, and ignored the tight feeling of guilt that was starting to form in her chest. "Talk to me, Anne? Come on!"

_This is my fault_ , she thought guiltily as Anne murmured and stared straight ahead with eyes that were open but unfocused, _I had to do it though! I had no choice if I wanted to find Leviathan quickly!  
_

"Hey Anne, hang in there." James gently pushed some hair back from her face and then slipped her into a sitting position, slinging her arm around his shoulders as he put his own around her waist and lifted her up. As he stood up his eyes met hers, and Rennah almost stepped back at the angry look he gave her, "I'm taking her to the med lab to see if there is anything they can do for her."

"James," Shepard stepped forward, swallowing hard as James stopped but didn't turn around to look at her.

He was angry with her, she realised unhappily, angry because she'd refused to let him shield the artefact earlier and had let Leviathan deeper and deeper into Anne's mind. Regardless of if it had been the right decision, James hadn't wanted to stand by and watch a helpless woman get hurt. It was clear that he was going to blame her for whatever happened to Anne, and Shepard wondered what she could say to ease his anger.

"You made a liar out of me, Shepard." He spoke quietly as he glanced at her, his eyes disappointed more distant than she'd ever seen them. Rennah shifted uncomfortably and glanced away, unable to keep eye contact with him when he was looking at her like she was a monster. She heard him start to walk away again and only just caught his final words as he left, "I hope it was worth it."

* * *

**A/N – Oh no. Things aren't looking too cheery for our favourite couple… :(**

**As always a very, very big thank you to the people who favourite, follow and review this fic. Your support means a lot and your reviews always brighten my day. Last week I had some nasty troll message me something horrible – and a few people went out of their way to cheer me up when I was feeling down. You know who you are. Thank you!**


	30. Distant and More Solemn

_Disclaimer: I don't own Mass Effect_

**A/N – Surprise! I had some spare time while I was on holidays so I decided to write an extra mini-chapter. Its angsty, so be warned! It's also half the size of my usual chapters.**

**A very big thank you to the people who have reviewed, chatted to me, favourite and followed this fic! You guys are swell and I hope you enjoy this chapter despite the angst.**

* * *

James came out of the elevator on a wave of contained anger and he forced himself stop outside of the door to Shepard's cabin. If he went in now, seething with anger, there was no telling what he'd say to her. He needed to talk to her calmly and tell her that what she'd done this morning with Anne had been out of line. Not only because it violated the trust that she'd had in them, but because it had made him out to be a liar.

He'd never felt so confused and upset in his life. He wanted to scream at Shepard and force her to see what she'd done, but on the other hand he wanted to look in the mirror and berate himself for not having stopped her when he had the chance. The one thing he didn't want to do was make her think he hated for what she'd done, he didn't, but he _was_ angry at her.

Anne Bryson was in a vegetative state, and the doctors had been brutally honest with their assessment of her condition and her prognosis; there was nothing they could do for her and no chance of recovery. Her brain had hemorrhaged badly in several places and she was brain dead, irreversibly so. She would spend the rest of her life, however long that was, confined to a bed and reliant on machines to live.

She had been selfless and brave with her decision to let Leviathan take control of her again, and she'd trusted them to be there for her. She hadn't deserved to spend her final conscious moments with Leviathan crawling through her head and frying her brains. He could only imagine how painful it would have felt and how terrified she would have been.

_And he'd let it happen to her..._

He hadn't enjoyed having her follow him around, cling to his arm and cry at him, but he knew what it was like to lose everyone you cared about; how lost and alone you could feel. She'd volunteered to help them stop Leviathan because she wanted to get revenge and do her part, but they'd let her down. Shepard had let her down because she hadn't stopped when she could have, and he'd let her down because he hadn't put an end to it himself.

The most frustrating thing of all was that Shepard's actions had made him look bad. He'd told Anne that he'd be there for her, but he'd followed his Commander's orders instead of his gut instinct. It was one thing for Shepard to do these things and wear the guilt herself, but when he was dragged into it, it was another matter entirely.

James shook his head to try and get rid of the image of Anne lying in that hospital bed staring sightlessly up at the ceiling while the doctors worked on her. Then, his heart thumping and his hands clammy, he knocked on Shepard's door. There was a pause and then he heard her shout for him to enter, her voice painfully normal.

His brown eyes sought her out and he found Shepard sitting at her desk and typing up what he guessed was a report. Her black hair was up in a ponytail and she was wearing her BDU's, although she'd taken the jacket off and slung it over the back of the chair. She didn't look up as he came in, she just continued working at the terminal as though this was any normal day.

"How's Anne?" She asked finally, pulling her hands away from the terminal and stretching. "Will she be okay?"

"No. She won't."

Shepard froze at the time in his voice and slowly stood up and turned around, her eyes guarded as she watched him, trying to work out what was wrong, "Is she dead?"

"No, but she may as well be." James closed the door behind him and wondered how it was possible that the woman in front of him could do the things she did without flinching.

Back on Earth when she'd been in hospital after the attempt on her life she'd sounded like she felt remorse for the things she did, but more and more James was wondering how true that was. She always justified her actions for being for the greater good, and he knew they were, but he couldn't help but feel that the war against the Reapers should be more than simple mathematics and numbers.

Rennah Shepard could be so kind and caring when the mood took her, but then at other times she seemed like a stranger; isolated and angry. Had her traumatic childhood done that to her or was it a coping mechanism she'd developed as she got older? A way of dealing with the Skyllian Blitz, Akuze and the Alpha Relay? He wanted to believe that she felt remorse and grieved for the people that had lost their lives, but there were days when he wondered if she even cared.

"She's in a vegetative state with no brain activity." He felt another roll of anger swell within him when Shepard didn't even flinch at the news.

Rennah rubbed the back of her neck and sighed, "I'm sorry to hear that…"

"Are you?" James stepped closer to her and she looked up at him, her eyes narrowing as she saw how angry he was, "I mean, you did this to her! She put her lives in our hands and you made the call to keep going."

"I know it seems cold, but I made the choice that I thought was best." She took his hand and squeezed it gently, her lovely eyes pleading with him to understand her reasons. "You told me once that you'd do whatever it takes to get the job done, so I thought you'd understand why I made the choice I did."

_How could I understand subjecting an innocent young woman to pain, fear and brain death?_

"Well I don't! I was wrong; I could never do what you did to Anne today." James pulled his hand out of her grip and began to pace back and forth as his agitation grew and the anger began to bubble out of him. "She trusted me to protect her, Commander. She trusted both of us, but she got hurt because of your recklessness…"

Shepard shook her head and he saw her clench her teeth, rejecting what he was saying, "I made a choice, James." She watched him pacing and he saw the first flicker of annoyance behind her eyes. "I weighed my options and made a very _deliberate_ choice. There was nothing reckless about it."

"So you chose to let this happen to her?"

"I didn't know what would happen, but if one life will save millions, maybe even billions, then that's a cost I'll wear." Her lips thinned as she spoke and she stared at him determinedly, her expression daring him to contradict her.

"But you don't have to wear the cost!" He stepped up close, more and more anger rising within him as he realised that Shepard had no intention of demonstrating any kind of remorse for what had happened. "The only person who has to pay a cost is Anne." He jabbed a finger at her chest; angry that she didn't care and angry that she didn't feel the same way he did.

"She knew what she was signing up for…" She started to turn around as she spoke, as though about to dismiss him, but James grabbed her shoulder and turned her back, determined to make her listen.

"No, she didn't! She trusted me to keep her safe and I let her down." He stepped back and looked at her, trying to find some sign in her face that she felt bad about what had happened to Anne, "Aren't you sorry about what you've done? She's clinically brain dead because of _you_! She won't ever wake up or be normal!"

"I am sorry, but it was her choice to help us!"

James wanted to grab Rennah by the shoulders and shake some sense into her. It was one thing to sacrifice lives in a combat situation when there was a direct threat involved, but this was different. There had been no good reason not to raise the shield and potentially save Anne's life. By going forward and narrowing the search location they'd saved themselves maybe a week of time, but was it worth it? Was one young woman's life worth a week?

 _No_.

"Shepard, it was your choice to keep going and not raise the shield. _Your choice_! You did this to her just as much as Leviathan did."

She went still at his words and he almost instantly saw the walls in her eyes come crashing down, "Are you comparing me to a _monster_?"

Her voice was quiet and dangerous sounding and James felt his aggression fade away as he realised what he'd said to her. The change in her posture and expression was subtle, but almost immediately James felt like he was staring at the woman who he had guarded for the first few months of her detention on Earth. She was cold and distant and when she stepped back from him, he realised that his words had hurt her; they'd hurt her very badly indeed.

All he could think of was Kaidan comparing her to the husk on Mars, "No, I…"

"You are!" For an instant he saw hurt in her eyes, raw and painful, then it was gone and her eyes flashed with purple fire. "You're as bad as Kaidan…"

"I'm _not_ comparing you to a monster, I'm not." James panicked and desperately tried to make her understand what he'd been trying to tell her, "You told me that you wanted me to tell you when you crossed the line…"

"That is not what you just said!" Her voice was angry, and James felt fear tighten around his chest like iron bands when she marched to her door and opened it, "Get _out_ , James!"

"Rennah, I don't want to fight about this, I just want you to…"

"I'm a monster, I get it!" Her voice cracked and she stepped out of his reach as he came towards her, "Just leave! I don't want to hear anything else you have to say right now."

He reached for her again, the bitter taste of fear rising in his throat when he saw how badly he'd hurt her, "Lola…"

"Get out!" She seemed to lose it then, and James saw a glimmer in her eyes that looked like tears, then her biotics flared and an instant later James was shoved out the door on a tingling wave of energy.

She'd been gentle, he knew that she could have tossed him around like a ragdoll, but he still lost his balance and fell stunned to the floor, unable to speak for the biotic energy still fizzing through him. Rennah stared down at him for a moment, her face a mixture of fury and pain, and then she closed the door and locked it with a noise that sounded suspiciously like a sob. James swore and scrambled to his feet, but no matter what he said Shepard ignored him and stayed locked inside her room.

He wasn't sure how long he sat outside of her room talking to the door and hoping she'd hear, but she ignored him and eventually, defeated, he gave up and went back down to the shuttle bay. Sleeping on it would do them both good, he decided, and in the morning they could clear the air and he could apologise for what he'd said. He tried to stay upbeat as he sent Rennah a message on his omni-tool, apologising again and asking if they could talk in the morning, but when she didn't reply that horrible black feeling began to seep back into him again.

He had a feeling that he'd made an awful mistake.

* * *

**A/N – The next chapter is about half done, so I should get it up early next week. Maybe earlier. BTW, If you thought Shepard was slightly over-emotional in this chapter, never fear because that will get addressed in the next chapter.  
**

**In other shameless self promoting news, I wrote a very smutty James/Shepard challenge fic called Tease Me which you should check out if you're a Shega fan. It's not my usual thing, but it was fun to write.**

**Reviews and feedback are loved!**


	31. The Fragile

_Disclaimer: I don't own Mass Effect_

**A/N – Wow, thank you so much to the people who gave me such lovely feedback on the last chapter. I'm glad you're all enjoying this fic! Thank you to everyone who reads, follows and favourites :) your support means the world to me.**

**You get a little more of Rennah's dark past in this chapter – not all of it and not the worst of it, but you'll certainly get a few things explained. Although her past it pretty horrible and upsetting so expect more angst.**

* * *

The stars stretched in the canopy above Rennah's bed, flashing past in dizzying distorted lines as the Normandy travelled to the Mass Relay in the Sigurd's Cradle System. Once there they would use the FTL drive to get to the planet Despoina and begin scanning for Leviathan. If they were lucky the planet wouldn't be swarming with Reapers and they would be able to hunt it down peacefully, and if they were unlucky, well, they'd be in for a fight.

Rennah sighed and rolled over on her side, her eyes glimmering faintly in the dark as she stared at the clock on the bedside table. She had to be up soon and still hadn't slept a wink, and she was dreading the mission tomorrow because she was assuming they would be unlucky. _Everything_ about this mission had been unlucky so far; Garrus had been gravely injured, Anne was brain dead and James thought she was a monster.

_James…_

It made something in her chest tighten painfully every time she thought about him and what he'd said to her. It had hurt to listen to him outside of her door trying to convince her to let him back in so they could talk, it had hurt even more when he'd given up and left, but it had been nothing to compared to how it had felt when he'd looked at her during their argument like she was some kind of a heartless beast.

She'd seen that look in other people's eyes over the years and had dealt with it, but it had broken something inside of her to see it in James' eyes. He'd been the one person she'd been counting on being there for her, someone who she'd thought she could trust to have her back, but she'd fucked things up again and now she didn't know how to make things right.

If she talked to James in the morning, listened to him apologise and said sorry for what she'd let happen to Anne, what would change? He'd still know what she was capable of and he'd still know that somewhere deep inside of her was something ugly. She'd spend the rest of her time with him desperately trying to prove that she wasn't a monster and he'd spend his time waiting for her to do something terrible.

Maybe it was better to end things now before he hated her…

_No!_

Tears unexpectedly welled up at the thought of walking away from James and Shepard rubbed her eyes furiously, angrily wiping them away before they could fall. What was wrong with her? She'd walked away from other relationships before when things got too intense, and the one time she hadn't things had ended terribly for her. So why was she so upset? Why did it hurt so much when she thought about letting him go?

She swallowed as the tightness in her chest increased and she turned over to face the other way, her rigid control slipping as things she'd tried hard to forget welled up. She hadn't let herself think about the things she'd done with the Reds in a very long time, not since Kaidan had walked away from her on Horizon and she'd been forced to stop and reflect. She'd wanted to prove to herself that she was better than that girl had been, but she wasn't.

_I'm still a monster._

The day she'd decided to leave the Reds was burned into her memory; some days she wished she could forget what had happened and other days she was grateful because it had changed her life. It had woken her up in the same way that Thane had woken up the day he'd met his wife. It was a shock when you realised you'd spent your entire life in a state of emotional hibernation.

She had coped by trying to fix her mistakes and be a better person. But was she any better? That day had been the first time that someone had looked at her with that look in their eyes and the first time that someone called her a monster. She'd tried forgetting what had happened, but it was impossible to forget the look in those children's eyes when they'd seen what she'd done to their father.

She'd been following orders, using her biotics to break bones and put the squeeze a man that owed money to the Reds. Rennah hadn't asked questions, she never did, she just followed orders and did whatever they told her to. She never thought to ask why because when the man who ran the Reds, Cain Massanari, sent her out on jobs he always ensured she was high on Hallex first. Drug dependency was how the Reds had controlled the kids they recruited or bought, and Rennah had been no exception to that.

She had been Massanari's pet biotic, something he brought out when he needed a show of force to share the shit out of people. When the Reds got involved in turf wars they rolled her out along with their ex-military members and sent her in to fight. When he met with other high-ups in the world of organised crime she went along as both a symbol of his power and as a threat.

But the night she woke up, she'd just been breaking bones like a common thug.

There had been a lot of blood that night, she could remember that. The man she was working over had some broken bones come through his skin and he'd been bleeding and screaming. Begging her to stop, pleading with the men who were with her to make her stop, but she'd kept going until they'd finally given the order. She hadn't known there were other people in the apartment, not until she'd turned around and seen the man's frightened children being made to watch.

The men that had driven her there had grabbed them and forced them to watch her torture their father, using their presence as an implied threat that if he didn't pay up they would be next. When she'd turned around and the kids had pleaded for their father not to let the monster hurt them she'd felt something for the first time in a long time.

_Sick. Alone. Frightened. Angry. Scared. Ashamed._

She'd known that she wasn't like other kids. She knew that she was different and led a different kind of life, but it wasn't until that exact moment that she realised she so different that she was barely even human compared to them. It had cut through the euphoric haze the drugs had put her in and had cut through her confidence and her ego. She'd felt exposed and naked and she'd been both frightened and angry at those children for making her feel that way.

She'd felt uncomfortable around children ever since that day.

The truth was that she's been terrified of those kids and the way they looked at her. They weren't impressed by her biotics or by how tough she was; they were scared of her because she was a monster. The older of the two kids had probably been the same age as Rennah was herself, fifteen years old, but they couldn't have been more different.

It had been in that moment that Shepard had woken up and realised that she wasn't living her own life. She wanted out of the Reds and away from what they were making her do and what they were doing to her. But she hadn't been able to leave then, nor had she been able to break her dependency on them and the life they had her involved in. It had taken almost two years for her to gather enough info to try and blackmail her way free.

She'd barely escaped with her life when she did try to walk away. As far as Massanari was concerned he owned her and he'd sent his men to drag her back. The only reason she hadn't been killed when she'd left was because they'd trained her too well and she knew all their tricks and traps. That, and a chance meeting with an Alliance marine who had rode to her rescue when he'd heard her fighting in an alley.

The marine's name had been David Anderson and he'd saved her life, cleaned her up and had gone with her to the police, reassuring her that everything would be okay. She'd been arrested but they'd offered to drop all charges if she helped them bring down some key members of the Reds. Her info and testimony, and the testimony of other people who were caught up in police raids had sent a lot of people to prison, including Cain Massanari, which had brought the Reds close to collapsing.

Anderson had been on Earth on leave and he'd come to see her each day during the trial. She hadn't trusted him at first, but he'd seemed genuinely interested in her, always asking questions about her past and her biotic ability which he said was damned impressive. Later, when he noticed her erratic behaviour and realised she was suffering Hallex withdrawal, he organised for her to go into a rehab centre to get clean.

He'd been the first person to actually care about her because he was a nice person. He didn't want anything or expect anything, he was just a nice guy that was worried about a messed up kid. When she got out of rehab and told him that she wanted to join the Alliance, he'd helped her with that; buying her equipment, clothes and weapons when she did her basic training. When she graduated and became an Alliance marine, he was at the ceremony to support her.

Anderson became the father she'd never had and it was he who had helped her piece together who she really was and what had happened to her as a child.

She'd excelled in the Alliance and had flourished under the rigid training and fierce physical and mental expectations. She'd fought in the Skyllian Blitz, survived Akuze and had made it all the way through the N7 program, all the time accepting it when people called her a hero and honoured her. But underneath the war hero and underneath the sexy woman on the recruiting posters, she knew there was still a monster.

She was still capable of doing terrible things if it meant saving lives and completing the mission. It didn't matter how much people liked her or how many friends she had, there would always be that ugly part of her beneath the surface. Most people never saw it, but every now and again she'd let someone get close to her and they'd get a glimpse of it.

Which brought her back to the current dilemma; James. She didn't want to lose him, not when she wanted him so much and he made her feel so good, but she also couldn't stand knowing what he thought of her. She couldn't have him fighting by her side and lying next to her in bed at night knowing that he thought she was a monster; it would destroy her.

She knew what she had to do to get through the mission tomorrow, but she wasn't sure what to do beyond that. Right now, she was too ashamed of her outburst earlier to even think about talking to James and explaining her fears. Admitting to herself that she was a horrible person and a monster was one thing, but looking the person in the eye that she cared about most, and saying it to _them_ was a scary thing to contemplate.

James was a good guy and the good guys weren't supposed to like monsters.

* * *

James had slept a little bit, but his dreams were filled with nightmares of fighting Reapers and arguing with Rennah and he'd woken up feeling worse than when he went to bed. It didn't help his mood to find that Rennah still hadn't responded to him when he checked his messages, although he wasn't sure if he'd actually expected her to. By the time he'd showered, dressed and headed to the mess to have breakfast he was feeling like the biggest asshole in the world for upsetting her so much.

He didn't try to cook anything palatable for breakfast, he just gnawed on rations that tasted like cardboard and then forced down a protein shake. When he was done eating, most of Shepard's usual crew were in the mess eating breakfast; laughing and joking with each other. The only people missing were Garrus who was still unconscious in the medbay and Joker who was up in the cockpit with EDI.

Shepard had scheduled a briefing this morning for her inner circle and when everyone was finished eating, those who had been invited cleaned up and made their way to the briefing room. Kaidan, Liara, Cortez, James and EDI walked in to find Shepard waiting for them, the 3D display showing a projection of Despoina. Shepard looked painfully normal, James thought, as though she'd had no trouble sleeping last night and their argument hadn't even ruffled her.

She didn't look at James as he walked in, instead she kept her eyes on the display screen in front of her and when she did finally look up it was to launch into her briefing. It hurt that she didn't acknowledged his presence, especially given how close they'd become, and James knew he had to find out what he'd said to upset her. Despite how calm she appeared, he could feel the tension in the room and he knew that she was stressed about something.

"Our ETA to Despoina is half an hour. Thanks to Anne Bryson we were able to trace Leviathan's location, so we know that it's hiding _somewhere_ on the planet. We'll be launching a probe to pinpoint its location and then we'll be landing a ground crew consisting of myself, EDI and Major Alenko. Cortez, you're on shuttle duty. Liara and Vega will be on the Normandy monitoring the probe and communication channel..."

James felt like he'd been punched in the stomach.

Shepard had taken him off the ground team? Taking him off the ground team and away from physical combat was a joke in and of itself, but putting him on the Normandy to monitor the communication channel and the probe was so ridiculous he suspected that it either was a joke, or she was still pissed at him. He wasn't an arrogant man, but he knew that he was probably the best at physical combat aside from Shepard herself, so taking him away from the fight made no sense.

He didn't take in the rest of the briefing and when Shepard dismissed them he couldn't stop himself from catching her by the arm and holding her aside until everyone else had left. She still didn't look at him, but her arm under his hand was tense and he could feel how uncomfortable she was. If the others noticed anything was up between them, and James didn't doubt they probably had, they didn't say anything.

"What the hell, Commander?" He let her go when the last person left and she pulled against his hold, "You're leaving me on the ship?"

"Yes." She met his eyes squarely and her voice was rigidly cold, "Is there a problem with that, _Lieutenant_?"

"Don't _Lieutenant_ me and expect me to shut up and take this!" He shook his head in disbelief, "I'm the best at ground combat you have on the Normandy _and_ I'm the most experienced at fighting the Reapers...and you're leaving me behind?" He swallowed hard, trying to ignore the growing feeling of anger in him, "Is this a joke?"

She turned away and rubbed the back of her neck, the air so thick with tension that James felt like he was suddenly swimming. He didn't understand why she was acting like this, so completely unreasonable and unlike her normal self. It was like she was punishing him for standing up to her, or as though she wanted to put distance back between them; distance he'd worked hard to close.

"This isn't personal, James." She stayed facing away, and he heard something soften in her voice, as though she hated hearing him upset.

 _Not personal?_ It felt personal and he refused to accept it, "We have an argument, you kick me out of your room and won't answer my messages and then you take me off the ground team. How am I supposed to think this isn't personal?"

"I'm your CO James, and this is my decision." She took a deep breath and swung around to face him, her expression hard and her eyes suddenly angry, "You want the truth? The truth is that I can't have you questioning my every move…"

"I say that I think you were out of line _once_ and suddenly I'm questioning your every move?" He narrowed his eyes and felt his lips thin out in anger. "That's bullshit! I want the truth, Rennah! What the fuck did I say that upset you this much?"

Her eyes met his with the full force of her personality swimming behind them and she sighed angrily, "This is why they have frat regulations, you know! Because of fucking shit situations like this!" She stepped up close to him and he saw, behind the anger, that her eyes were desperate and almost frightened, "You're staying on the Normandy, James. Not because I'm punishing you but because I can't be distracted by _this_ when I need a clear head. Do you understand?"

She crossed her arms and stared him down, waiting for his response and looking so different to the warm and affectionate Rennah he'd grown to love that he almost argued for the sake of it. Like yesterday, he wanted to shake her until she saw sense. He wanted to scream at her until she gave him the truth…but he knew better than that. She was too stubborn. If he wanted answers he'd have to wait until after this mission to get them from her, and he'd have to make damn sure he held his temper.

"Yes Commander." He stepped back from her and held his breath as she marched out of the room without saying another word.

He tried not to feel resentful as EDI, Kaidan and Shepard geared up and climbed aboard the shuttle, while he and Liara made their way up to her room to monitor the probe and the comm-lines. When his omni-tool beeped not long after Cortez had left in the shuttle, he opened the message without glancing at who had sent it and almost did a double take when he realised it was from Shepard. He guessed she must have hastily typed it to him when she'd boarded the shuttle and he read it quickly.

_To: J, Vega_

_From: R, Shepard_

_James,_

_I'm not good at this. I know I didn't react very well last night. I still wasn't sure what to say to you this morning when you tried to talk to me after the briefing. We'll talk when I get back because you're right, I do owe you an explanation. I'm sorry if I handled things badly._

_I don't want to lose you._

_\- Shepard._

He read the message again and again, wondering why she hadn't just said to this to him after the briefing, or even before the briefing. Her message was positive and the last sentence lightened his heart considerably, but he felt more confused than ever. More than anything, he felt frustrated at being left behind, especially as she had made that choice because she was worried that he would distract her.

The thought of sitting on the Normandy uselessly while she was fighting below didn't sit well with him. He was a soldier and he belonged on the battlefield fighting the enemy, not sitting on the ship monitoring the communication of the team below. He and Shepard had never had a problem fighting together until now, so it must have been something he'd said last night that had rattled her.

"What did you say?" Liara had patched into the comm channel and was half listening to the ground team's chatter as Cortez flew them down.

James closed his omni-tool and looked up to find her watching him, "I didn't say anything."

"No, to Shepard." She half smiled at him, as though he was being awfully slow. "What did you say to Shepard to upset her?"

"I, uh, we disagreed over how she used Anne Bryson to find Leviathan." James floundered, surprised that Liara had been able to pinpoint what had happened to cause the rift between them. Although she _was_ the Shadow Broker; for all her knew she had bugs in Shepard's cabin and monitored her omni-tool.

Now that was a creepy thought…

"I see." She nodded and fiddled with the comm lines as the terminal buzzed with static, her voice very casual as she continued speaking, "You may not know this, but I've joined my consciousness with Shepard's on two occasions. I've seen her mind and I know her better than anyone else."

James immediately thought about what 'joining' meant to the Asari and he gaped at her in surprise, "You…and Lola…?"

"The situation was _not_ sexual, and it was in front of the crew, but I…" Liara actually blushed and then cleared her throat and continued, "I care deeply for Shepard, and I know that she isn't what she appears to be. She is an impressive woman; very strong, confident and in control, but there is a layer under that which is very different." Her blue eyes met his and for a second Vega was half sure that Liara was in love with Shepard too, "She is fragile in many ways, and it's only the people who she lets close to her that have the power to hurt her. Kaidan found that out after Horizon, and I don't want to see her get hurt again because of you."

James blinked, "But I would never…"

"Perhaps not intentionally, but as you humans like to say, _the road to hell is paved with good intentions_." Liara smiled at him and turned back to the computer, "Shepard cares for you and that makes her vulnerable."

"And she doesn't like being vulnerable. I get it, believe me." James smiled wryly as he walked over and stood next to Liara, listening as Shepard and EDI discussed what Leviathan might look like. "Thanks."

"You're welcome, James." Liara gave him a sidelong look, "Now we should…"

She was interrupted by a loud squealing of static from the comms that had both he and Liara covering their ears. When it faded there was only static and James stared at the blank screens in confusion as Liara instantly began talking to Joker, the anxiety in her voice rising with each exchange. It took James a little longer than Liara to realise that something had gone wrong besides the comm channel going dark

"Joker? The comms are down! What happened?" She accessed two terminals at once and began scrolling through the information on them simultaneously, her blue hands moving quickly and lightly on the screens.

"Some kind of pulse." Joker sounded just as stressed over the Normandy's speakers and James had to swallow down his own fear, "The shuttle crash landed on a floating structure that Cortez radioed in just before they went down." There was a pause and then Joker added, "At least I think they made it to the structure..."

James started glanced at the screens as adrenaline flooded his system, but the information on them was nonsense to him, "We should go after them…"

"No." Liara shook her head forcefully, "Whatever shut their systems down was some sort of EMP. If we follow them down there is a good chance the same thing will happen to us, and the Normandy will not be as easy to crash land as a shuttle."

James tried and failed to fight the ridiculous urge to argue with her even as he saw the logic behind her words, "But Commander Shepard…"

"Will be _fine_." Liara stepped forward and seized James by the shoulders, suddenly seeming much bigger than she actually was, "She is the only one who can do this and we have to trust her." Liara was scared as well, James realised, scared and angry just like him, "We have no choice but to wait, James. If Leviathan is protecting itself with that pulse then we have to trust that she will convince it to stop the pulse and find a way back to us."

James nodded and turned away, running his hands over his head and gritting his teeth as he realised how helpless he was. He should have been down there with her! Helping her find Leviathan and fighting alongside of her instead of waiting helplessly! His hands curled into fists and he smashed one hand into the wall, ignoring the pain that ran up his arm and the pitying look that Liara gave him.

_If he lost Shepard…_

"Oh shit!" Joker's voice came over the speakers again and, somehow, James knew what he was going to say before he heard the words. "We have Reapers inbound…"

* * *

**A/N – See? I told you there was more angst! But at least Rennah is taking steps to patch things up between them!**

 


	32. Keep It Together

_Disclaimer: I don't own Mass Effect_

**A/N – Thank you as always to the people who reviewed or left me kudos - You guys always blow my mind with your support and kind words.**

**I hope you enjoy this chapter!  
**

* * *

 The next two hours were some of the longest and most frustrating of any in James' life. The Normandy's stealth drive was allowing them to remain in orbit around the planet without being detected by the Reaper, but it was a precarious situation and one which none of them liked.

Whatever the pulse was, they soon worked out that it must have been designed to knock anything out of the sky up to a certain height in the atmosphere. So even when Cortez fixed the shuttle and communication was re-established, they couldn't take off without setting the pulse off again. Not only that, but the probe was hundreds of metres below them under the ocean, so Shepard had gone down in an old diving mech.

After the way Kaidan had gone off at him about leaving Shepard behind when Garrus had been hurt, he was surprised that the Major hadn't tried to stop her. If anything would have made him pull rank, surely this would have? But this _was_ Shepard's operation and the woman was so pigheaded that once she'd decided to do something, it was doubtful that anything or anyone would ever change her mind.

Risking her life was par for the course in her life.

By monitoring the comm line, James declined to think of it as eavesdropping, he worked out that although Cortez had checked out the mech and made it as safe as he could, Kaidan was still worried about Shepard. EDI hadn't helped matters by pointing out that the odds of surviving a catastrophic power failure in the diving mech were almost nil, and after that the two men had banned her from making any further statistical analyses out loud.

James would have given anything to be able to talk to them; to ask Kaidan what the hell he was thinking by letting her go down in the mech or to get reassurance from Cortez that she would be alright in it. But all he could do was listen passively as they struggled to hold off wave after wave of Reaper attacks and tell himself over and over that Rennah _would_ be fine.

He paced back and forth in Liara's room, oblivious to the pitying looks that she was giving him as she stayed by the terminal, keeping herself busy by analysing the signal she was picking up from the orbiting Reaper. James could feel his heart lurch in his chest every time one of the ground team spoke to each other, but for the last hour it had been nothing but general combat chatter.

"I should be down there with them." James said for the hundredth time as he paced, running his hand through his close cropped hair, and glancing at Liara anxiously.

"I'm sure she's fine, James." Liara told him soothingly as she turned away from her terminal and walked to stand in front of him, forcing him to stand still. "If anyone can find Leviathan and make it see reason, it's Shepard."

James nodded and tried to settle his nerves, "Yeah, I don't think anyone else would have the _cojones_ to even try…"

" _Brutes!"_ Cortez's voice on the communication line interrupted him, and James froze as he listened to the situation unfolding below.

" _I see them! EDI, focus your fire on the larger brute. We'll take them out one at a time…oh no! Shit!"_ Kaidan's voice, usually cool under pressure cracked at the end, _"The diving mech is surfacing!"_

" _Dammit! She's climbing out right in their path! What do we do, Major?"_ Cortez again.

James started towards the terminal, his hands clenched so tight he could see his own knuckles standing out stark and white. He held his breath for what seemed like an eternity while he waited for Kaidan to respond, but in reality it was probably less than a second.

" _We take them out! Concentrate on keeping them away from the mech at all costs!"_ Kaidan sounded back in control again, and there was the sound of gun fire over the comm line.

EDI chose that moment to chime in and James winced at her comments, _"The diving mech appears to have sustained serious damage due to pressure and stress…"_

" _Not now EDI!"_ Cortez cut her off, the sound of more gunfire almost drowning out his voice.

" _I am merely pointing out that the mech is of impressive design if it exceeded its operating range and Shepard was still able to bring it back to the surface."_

" _EDI! We need to concentrate…oh no! No! Shepard!"_ Kaidan sounds absolutely terrified and James curled his hands into tighter fists, his eyes anguished as they clashed with Liara's, _"She out of the mech…oh God, is she moving? Cortez! EDI! Can you see her?"_

" _Commander Shepard appears to be injured."_ James hated how calm and normal the AI sounded, it was as though she was reporting the weather. _"She has made one small attempt to rise but is now lying still."_

" _The brutes are charging for her! Concentrate fire! I'm going to try a stasis…"_ There was another pause, this time longer and James realised he was clenching his hands so tightly that he was getting radiating pains up his arms, and he made himself uncurl his fists.

" _What the hell is going on?"_ James let out a sigh of relief when he heard Cortez speak, his friend sounded relieved and surprised, _"Why did it ignore the Commander and attack the other brute?"_

" _I don't know. Cover me while I get Shepard."_

"Liara? What would make one Reaper troop attack another one?"James turned to the asari and lightly grabbed her shoulders, much as she had done with him a few hours ago when the shuttle had gone down, "Do you think you think it's Leviathan? Do you think Shepard found it?"

"I don't know. I was detecting some very strange feedback loops in the Reaper signal earlier, almost like something was interfering with it." Liara calmly pulled his hands off his shoulders, "Whatever it was, it kept Shepard is safe."

Kaidan's voice interrupted them again, _"I've got Shepard, she's conscious but only barely…Jesus! She's a mess. Cortez get that shuttle hatch open and prepare for immediate evac! EDI, cover us!"_

James didn't like the way Kaidan had called Shepard a mess, he'd sounded frightened. The Major didn't strike him as someone who scared easy, so he guessed Shepard must have sustained some kind of physical injury either when she'd been in the mech or when she'd fallen out. He was torn between staying to listen and heading straight down to the shuttle bay, luckily Liara decided for him.

"Go, James. I'll patch the comm in to your omni-tool." Liara gave him a reassuring nod and James took off for the shuttle bay, nodding at Liara in thanks.

There was silence for a few minutes while James caught the lift down, and he tried to use the time to settle his nerves and calm his racing heart; Shepard was out of the ocean and Kaidan had saved her from the brutes, so she was fine. Unfortunately James was only too aware that there was still the orbiting Reaper to contend with, so his anxiety level stayed reasonably high. As the elevator doors opened, his omni-tool crackled to life and James guessed Liara had finally patched him through.

"… _just took out that Reaper!"_ Cortez's voice was the first he heard, _"Normandy did you see that?"_

" _I saw it, Steve."_ Joker sounded calm and in control, and James wondered how he'd handled being stuck up here while EDI was down below. He knew the two of them were close and seemed to be getting even closer now that EDI had hold of a sexy robot body. _"Just get yourself back here in once piece."_

" _We're coming in now, Normandy."_

" _Shepard?"_ Kaidan's voice cut in over the top of Cortez and James felt his heart lurch, _"Can you hear me? She's freezing! Come on!"_ There was a pause and he heard Shepard coughing and gasping for breath. She sounded terrible. _"Are you okay?"_

" _Yeah, I'm fine, but I've got one hell of a headache."_ Shepard's sounded awful and her voice was rough with pain, but there was something exhilarated, even a little bit excited in her tone, _"You should have seen it…ah! Shit that hurts!"_

James flinched as Shepard made a sound of pain, and then Kaidan came back on the comm, _"Take it easy. Hang on, I'll help you."_

He scowled, imaging how pleased Alenko would be for an excuse to get his hands on Shepard, but an instant later James berated himself; Kaidan was a professional. He'd be helping Shepard as a friend that was all. Shepard and he had both talked to Kaidan and he'd seemed to have backed off for the most part, so there was no point fretting about him helping her on a mission.

" _Thanks Kaidan."_ She sounded slightly amused and James felt himself relax as he realised that she was out of trouble.

" _Never do that again, Rennah. If I lost you…"_ James tensed up again at the tone in Kaidan's voice, suddenly wondering if his jealousy had been as misplaced as he'd thought. There was genuinely love in his voice as well as real terror at the thought of losing her.

" _I'm fine, Major."_ Some of the humour had left her voice and Rennah sounded slightly more guarded, but there was something little bit wistful in her voice that left James feeling uneasy. _"But thank you."_

_Did she miss being with Kaidan?_

The rest of the shuttle flight passed quickly as Alenko checked Shepard over and, despite Shepard's protestations that she was fine, insisted that she check in with Chakwas when she got back. They bantered with each other light heartedly as Kaidan checked her suit's analysis of her physical status, which indicated that she'd been under a lot of stress, but was physically fine. Eventually James shut his omni-tool off so he didn't have to listen to any more of their friendly chatter; it was getting on his nerves.

Cortez made quick work of getting the shuttle back to the ship and landing, but it was enough time for James to have worked himself up about Kaidan and Shepard. When the hatch opened and Kaidan, Cortez and EDI came out, it was all he could do not to storm over there and punch Kaidan in the face. He hated him more than he ever had in that instant. Not because of anything he'd done or said in the shuttle, but because of that tone in Rennah's voice.

It wasn't fair! Kaidan had been there for her while James had been stuck on the Normandy, forced to listen on as _he_ held the line for her and then ran out to save her when she was in trouble. It was a stupid thing to get angry about, but after hearing his concern and after the way Kaidan had interfered in their relationship previously, he couldn't help it. It was a struggle not to let anything show on his face as Alenko approached him.

"Shepard's still in there." Kaidan paused by him and jerked his thumb in the direction of the shuttle, "She says she's fine but she will need some help to get to Chakwas." He paused again and looked James in the eyes, his expression oddly neutral, "She says she wants to talk to you."

James blinked in surprised and wasn't fast enough to hide his confused expression as Kaidan gave him another unreadable look and then walked away to the armoury without saying anything further. He hesitated for a moment and then slowly made his way over to the shuttle, his stomach turning over as he worried over what Shepard wanted. Was this the talk she'd mentioned wanting to have with him earlier? He hoped so but Kaidan's deliberate neutrality made him nervous; it was like he knew something James didn't.

He reached the open hatch of the shuttle and saw Shepard sitting forward on one of the seats with her head between her knees and her long hair hiding her face. There was a strange feeling in the shuttle and although James had never thought of himself as being particularly sensitive to atmospheres before, he got the distinct impression that something had upset Rennah. She shifted in her seat as he moved to kneel in front of her, carefully brushing aside her long hair.

"Lola? You okay?" He let her hair fall back in place when she made no move to raise her head and look at him, instead resting his hands lightly either side of her.

"Yeah, I look worse than I feel." Her voice had an air of warning in it and he realised why when she raised her head and looked at him.

She'd burst a blood vessel in one of her eyes and her usual bright violet pupil was surrounded by a cloudy ring of blood. She also had a blood nose which she was holding a gauze dressing to in an attempt to stem the blood. He'd seen Shepard looking much worse, and he only shrugged and pulled the dressing away from her nose so he could see how fast it was bleeding, before he pressed it back.

"You look fine Lola. Hot actually." He grinned, trying to dispel the depressing air that hung around the shuttle and was rewarded by a weak smile. "You want some help getting up to see Chakwas?"

"In a moment." She took a deep breath and took his hand, squeezing it tightly, "I want you to know that I'm sorry for throwing you out of my room and for ignoring you when you tried to talk to me. I overreacted in a big way."

James squeezed her hand back, "I'm sure you had your reasons, but thanks."

"I was out of line when I kept pushing Anne and I should have stopped when you told me." She glanced down at the floor again and shuffled her feet uncomfortably, "At the time I did what I thought was best, but in retrospect it wasn't worth the cost and I'd do things differently. Anne didn't deserve what happened to her and you didn't deserve me jumping down your throat when you tried to pull me up on it." She raised her bloodied eyes and met his, her gaze raw and searching, "I'm not always a good person and I know I hurt you yesterday, so I wouldn't blame you if you wanted to call it off between us. I'd understand."

"What?" James tightened his grip on her hand and raised his other hand to the back of her head, "Call it off? Shepard I…"

_I love you!_

He cursed himself as he bit back the words he was longing to say, but now wasn't the time. It was still too soon and he'd come across as a complete creeper, instead he lapsed back into Spanish to express himself, " _Estoy loco por ti._ "

Shepard smiled faintly and leaned forward to press her forehead against his, "I have no idea what you said, but it sounded nice." She chuckled as she pulled back, "Everything sounds sexy when you say it in Spanish. You could be calling me names and I'd still swoon."

"I'll remember that the next time you're angry at me." James smiled and then leaned closer to her ear, "I said I'm crazy about you, Lola." He translated and put both hands on the back of her head, bringing her face close to his so he could kiss her gently, not caring that they were on duty on the Normandy and that people might see them. He broke the kiss with a soft sigh, "I didn't mean to upset you the other night and I don't think you're a monster. I think you get caught up in the moment and don't think about the people around you, but that doesn't make you bad. It makes you passionate and determined, which isn't a bad thing." He paused and drew back to meet her eyes again, "I do think you need to slow down and think about the consequences of your actions more often."

"You're right." Rennah leaned back against the seat and checked the gauze again, leaving it off when she was satisfied that her blood nose had stopped. "I've done bad things in the past and I've had a lot of people call me a monster, rightfully so too." She paused and watched him carefully with eyes that were almost frightened, "I don't want to go back to being that person, James. I'll tell you about it one day but I'm not ready for it yet."

"Everyone's got bad things in their past, Lola." James raised his eyebrows and helped Shepard stand up, keeping an arm around her when she wobbled unsteadily on her feet, "You can share it when you're ready. No pressure."

She made a small sound that might have been a laugh, "Garrus was right about you."

"Garrus?" James took most of her weight as they began to walk, curious about what the turian might have said about him.

"Yeah," Shepard put an arm around his shoulders and they slowly made their way out of the shuttle, "He told me the other day that he was happy I'd found you. He said you were good for me and you were bringing me back from that dark place I'd been."

James felt something warm fill his chest at that news, even though the turian had said something similar to him. Garrus acted like a hard assed bastard most of the time, but he genuinely liked him and now he liked him just that little bit more. He was Shepard's friend in a different way to Jack and Kasumi, more of a brother to her.

"Wise words from a wise turian."

"Never tell Garrus that, it would go straight to his head." Rennah laughed and then winced, clutching her head, "Oh man, laughing hurts." She pulled her hand away and leaned into him as they stopped by the elevator, her voice so casual James knew she was still worried about his answer. "So you don't want to end things between us?"

"Hell no. I'm with you to the end, Shepard. I'd follow you to hell and back if you asked it of me." James let her lean against the wall as he pressed the call button and waited, glancing at her surreptitiously.

She looked worse than when he'd first seen her in the shuttle, although he wasn't sure if she had been made worse by the walking, the laughing or the stress of their conversation. Her skin was pasty white, there was still blood under her nose and the eye that had popped a blood vessel looked worse than earlier. There was an air of fatigue about her that made James want to fight all the harder to protect her as best he could; Shepard could save the world, all he wanted to do was save her.

The elevator arrived and they stepped in, James sliding both of his arms around her waist and pulling her close as soon as the doors closed, "Does this mean we're not fighting anymore?"

Shepard's answer was a kiss and she wound her arms around his neck and let him hold her, her mouth hungry against his. The feel of her in his arms was so familiar to James that it was almost like coming home. It felt as though they'd been apart for days or weeks instead of only hours and he gave himself to the kiss completely, so both of them were oblivious when the elevator doors opened on the medbay  level.

"See? I told you they'd patch up their differences in no time."

Liara's voice jarred them both out of their own private world and they pulled away from each other guiltily, although James kept his arms around Shepard's waist to keep her steady. Liara and Kaidan were standing just outside the elevator and James could only assume they had been waiting to catch it when the doors had opened and revealed them.

Liara's azure eyes were dancing with amusement and she had a soft smile on her face, as though it had made her day to stumble on them like this. Kaidan looked almost sick in contrast; like he'd been kicked in the stomach. James supposed that it was the first time Alenko had actually seen Shepard being affectionate with him, so it probably wasn't surprising that he was reacting like someone had dropped a bucket of icy water on him.

"Excuse us." Shepard was blushing but she spoke with as much dignity as she could and kept her chin up as James helped her out of the lift and towards the medbay.

He wrapped an arm securely around her waist, unwilling to relinquish the wonderful physical contact after their time apart. Shepard and he would probably never see eye to eye on all of the command decisions she made, but James was determined to follow them. If there was one thing he knew about Rennah, it was that she genuinely believe she doing what was best for the people around her.

Shepard might never be ready to share with him what she'd done as a teenager to make her react to violently when he'd compared her to a monster, or she might be ready to tell him in a month or a year. When she was ready and did tell him, he'd listen and he wouldn't judge her. Her childhood had been rough and he could imagine that someone with Rennah's personality would have done whatever it took to survive in that kind of world.

In the end, Rennah Shepard was a different person to the girl she had been, and James knew that he'd love her no matter what she'd done.

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**A/N – I liked ending on a happy note :) mostly because there are gathering dark clouds on the Horizon.**


	33. A Kiss

_Disclaimer: I don't own Mass Effect!_

**A/N – The holidays are over and I'm back at work. It's a busy term for me and I'll probably only be able to update once a week for a while. A big thank you to the people who are reading this fic (and hopefully enjoying it!) and to those of you have favourited, followed and reviewed. It makes my day to know that you are enjoying the story of Rennah and James!**

**An especially big thank you to the people who do take time out to review. Your comments make my day and I really love hearing your thoughts and opinions.**

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"Hey Vakarian, you still slacking off in here?" Shepard smirked at Garrus as she walked into the medbay, tossing him a dextro chocolate bar which he caught in his good hand.

Garrus had been awake when James had brought her in last night, and she'd had a small chat with him while the doctor gave her the once over. She and James had filled him in on some of what had happened after his accident, but once Chakwas gave her the all clear, she chased them out, insisting that Garrus get some rest. She'd promised to visit the next day since he was going to be bedridden for a time yet, and he was clearly unhappy about it.

"Unfortunately." He made a sound of deep displeasure and flared his mandibles, "I hear things have been pretty exciting out there?"

"You could say that." Shepard perched herself on the bed opposite her friend and tucked her hair behind her ear as she gave Garrus the low down on finding Leviathan.

The past twenty four hours on the Normandy _had_ been exciting and Shepard had spent several hours the previous night on the QEC talking to Admiral Hackett. It had pleased him no end that she had managed to gain the support of Leviathan and he'd quizzed Shepard at length about her discussion with the giant creatures. He was especially interested in their history with the Reapers, and was curious about how their creations had bested them.

After Hackett had exhausted her knowledge of Leviathan, he'd ordered her to the Far Rim to meet with the Quarians, which is where they were heading now. The Quarians were willing to talk about joining the war effort against the Reapers, although Hackett hinted that he suspected there were going to be complications.

After the way the Admirals had treated Tali when she was last with them, Rennah wasn't especially thrilled about seeing them again, but this wasn't about her feelings. She was in this to get help for Earth. If she had to mind her manners and deal with more political manoeuvring in order to secure their support, she would.

"Commander, I hope you're not disturbing my patient too much?" Chakwas looked up from her desk as Garrus laughed loudly at something Shepard said and then groaned in pain afterwards, "I'd rather if he didn't laugh so hard he reopens that wound."

Garrus made a low growl of pain as he leaned closer to Shepard conspiratorially, "Every time I try to get up Chakwas orders me back to the bed." His sub-harmonics dropped to low growl as he grumbled, "She has eyes and ears like a varren!"

"I heard that!" Chakwas aimed another glare at both of them and then settled back at her desk.

Shepard had to hide her smile as she changed the subject, "Oh, I almost forgot to mention that Hackett has ordered us to the Far Rim to meet up with the Quarians…"

"The Quarians?" Garrus' eyes widened and he almost sat up in bed, "Any chance of seeing Tali?"

Shepard grinned, having suspected for some time now that her turian friend had a slight crush on the Quarian mechanic, "I'm hoping we might get lucky and bump into her. We should be arriving soon and if I do happen to see her, I'll try and talk her into joining us…"

"Uh, Commander?"

Joker's voice on the intercom interrupted Shepard and she blinked in surprise, "Yeah?"

"Your boyfriends are having a disagreement in the shuttle bay. You might want to get down there before they break something on my ship or, you know, _each other_."

"Oh for crying out loud! I thought they'd sorted their shit out!" Rennah stood up and glowered as Garrus made a coughing noise that sounded suspiciously like laughter. "And you be quiet or I'll tell Tali you have the hots for her."

"You wouldn't dare!" Garrus gaped at her in horror. "That's playing dirty!"

"Try me, Vakarian!" Shepard gave him one last friendly grin as she hurried from the room, the smile fading quickly from her face as she took the elevator down to the shuttle bay.

Despite her outburst, she'd been waiting for something like this to happen. After Kaidan had seen her kissing James in the elevator yesterday he'd asked to speak to her in private twice, and both times Shepard had made excuses and fled. It wasn't that she was scared of speaking to him alone, it was just that each time he'd come to see her there had been this intensity about him that unsettled her.

They had got on really well yesterday when they'd gone down to Despoina. It had almost felt like old times, especially on the shuttle flight back when Kaidan had so been kind and caring as he'd tended her wounds. He'd been so playful and friendly that she'd forgotten to keep her guard up, and for a moment, just a moment, she'd remembered why she'd fallen in love with him.

Which was probably the problem.

The sound of shouting assaulted her ears as soon as the elevator doors opened and Rennah realised why Joker had called her down. Kaidan and James weren't just arguing, they looked like they were about get into an all-out brawl. Cortez was standing between them and was attempting to make James back off while simultaneously stop Kaidan from using his biotics. She couldn't make out much of what they were shouting at each other, but she heard her name, Hackett's name and a lot of swearing.

"What the hell is going on?" Shepard used her parade ground voice as she strode out of the lift, injecting as much of her authority into it as she could. The two men glanced at her and backed off, but it was clear that the slightest provocation would set them off again and she decided to separate them. "James, get upstairs to my cabin and I'll talk to you in a minute."

"Me? But he was the one who-"

"Now, _Lieutenant_!" She snapped, her violet eyes flashing with impatience.

James instantly swung around and stormed past her, angrier than Rennah had ever seen him. His teeth were clenched and his eyes were burning with something as close to hate as she'd ever seen in them. In that moment, she didn't doubt that Kaidan had been the one who had started this, but this wasn't about blaming anyone. It was about separating two men who looked ready to kill each other.

"What happened?" She murmured to Cortez as she moved to stand near him, watching Kaidan as he paced by the shuttle, his biotics shimmering around him every so often as he struggled to control his emotions.

Steve shrugged. "I'm not entirely sure, Commander. One moment they were working on their weapon mods and seemed to be getting on, and the next moment James had hold of Major Alenko and looked like he was about to hit him. I didn't hear what the Major said to him to set him off, but they were arguing about you when things got more physical."

"Shit." Shepard sighed and glanced back at James who was waiting for the elevator and radiating fury.

The two men had been getting on so much better lately; she hadn't expected things to escalate like this. But maybe ... was it possible that whatever they'd said had got everything out of their system? Maybe this was it now?

"I'll go calm our Mr. Vega down if you want to talk to Alenko first." Cortez smiled at her reassuringly and when she nodded he moved off quickly, his expression easy-going as he caught up to his friend.

Shepard sighed to herself as she slowly made her way to Kaidan, still feeling oddly reluctant to talk to him. He glanced up at her as she approached, his usually calm honey coloured eyes sparking with furious biotic light. It was clear that he was every bit as angry at Vega was, and she wondered what the hell had happened to cause this level of animosity between the two of them.

"What happened?" She crossed her arms and pinned Kaidan with her gaze, her voice cold and impersonal. "Give me the facts."

He shrugged casually, acting for all the world as though his biotics weren't fluctuating wildly and betraying his emotions. "It was just a personal chat that got out of hand. It was nothing really."

"Really? Because Cortez seemed to think you were arguing about me." She narrowed her eyes at him and drew in a deep breath. "Please tell me you're not still convinced that James is bad for me?"

His tawny gaze met hers and she saw him grit his teeth angrily. "That wasn't it. Even I have to admit that the guy does care for you."

"Okay, so what did you say that made him try to hit you?"

Kaidan swallowed and suddenly looked uncomfortable. "Look, I wasn't trying to start anything-"

"Kaidan." Rennah crossed her arms. "What did you say?"

"I just ... I reminded him of the rules regarding fraternisation on board an Alliance vessel. And I," he glanced at her and paled at the horrified expression on her face. "Shit. You're not going to like this. I may have suggested that unless he wants someone reporting what he's been up to he should me more careful about sticking his tongue in your mouth while you're both on duty."

"You said _what_?" Rennah felt her jaw drop as she stared at Kaidan as though he were a stranger. "You threatened to report us?"

"No!" He shook his head in denial. "I was just pointing out that if you carry on like you did yesterday, somebody _might_ report it." Kaidan watched her belligerently, unwilling to admit that he'd been deliberately antagonising her lover.

Rennah pinched the bridge of her nose as she struggled with the frustration threatening to overwhelm her. Kaidan could be a stubborn fool, she'd known this for a long time, but she had never known him to be so petty before. It was as though he was enjoying baiting the younger man. God knows James had been struggling to hide his jealousy of her past relationship with Kaidan.

"Say what you want, but that sounds like a threat, and you know it." She rubbed at her forehead and tried to ignore the headache that was starting up. "What the hell brought all of this on?"

Kaidan was quiet for a moment and then he sighed. "I don't know. He made some reference about being glad that the two of you had made up and I ... I just couldn't help myself. It was stupid. I feel dumb, okay?"

Rennah rubbed the bridge of her nose, annoyed at both of the men for letting things escalate this far, but especially irritated at Kaidan. 

"Do you need to leave?" she asked suddenly, looking up at him. Kaidan seemed to freeze, and his eyes widened slightly. "I mean, if you and James can't work together, one of you will need to go, and-"

"And it'll be me, huh?" he murmured quietly, studying her features as though committing them to memory. After a moment he laughed quietly, seemingly at himself, and dragged a hand over his eyes. "Shit. I didn’t see it before, but you really love him, don't you?"

"What?" Rennah started. " _Love him?_ James? I just ... I don't know." Irritated and floundering, she frowned. "Stop changing the subject. I want to know if I need to transfer you, or if the two of you can get over this bullshit."

Kaidan nodded, suddenly looking tired. "No, I'll be good. I promise. No more Vega-baiting."

"Good." Relief washed over her; things would be settled if Kaidan said they were. "I'm holding you to that. Any more of this nonsense and you're gone. You hear me?"

"Loud and clear," he answered. Then, before she could say anything Kaidan caught her hand and looked down into her eyes, his gaze intense. For a moment he stared at her, then he stepped closer and kissed her. The movement was so slow that she could have stopped him at any moment, but there was something in Kaidan's eyes that held her back. It wasn't a passionate kiss. It wasn't a sexual kiss. In fact, there was something endlessly sad about it, and when Kaidan lifted his head again, Rennah had to blink back tears.

Her heart thundered in her chest as she stared at him in surprise and shock. The feel of his lips against hers and the smell of his aftershave had brought back memories of what it had been like to be in love with him. But with those memories came the disappointment and fury she’d felt on Horizon, and then the pain and sadness in the months after. She wanted to scream at him for making her feel that way again, but she stayed frozen as he watched her, his eyes every bit as turbulent and grief stricken as he own.

"I never got to kiss you goodbye," Kaidan explained quietly into the silence that followed. "I'm sorry about all this. I ... I lost my head. I won’t cause any more trouble, but I'll be here on the Normandy whenever you need me. As a friend, as a Spectre; you can count on me."

His hand squeezed hers a final time, and then he walked away without saying anything more. Rennah watched him go with a tight feeling in her chest, as though things were _finally_ over between them for good. She waited until he'd gone, and then she caught the elevator up to her room and found James pacing angrily next to her desk. His features were tense with worry and Rennah felt her anxiety grow as he turned his dark eyes in her direction. Her talk with Kaidan had been tough, and she didn't want to wind up fighting with James.

"Shepard, let me explain!" James broke into a frantic account of what had happened before she had a chance to open her mouth. "I was going to walk away from him, I swear, but then he started saying-"

"I know what he said." Shepard sighed and walked over to the couch. "He was out of line, but so were you."

"He threatened to fucking report us! Not in so many words, but I knew what he was saying." He sat down beside her, his huge frame tense with rage. "I knew that he was angry at me, but when he threatened you I lost it."

She put a hand on his and shook her head, "James, he was baiting you."

"So I'm supposed to just let him keep egging me on for kicks?" James glowered at the fish tank on the opposite wall. 

Rennah sidled closer to him on the couch and slid her arms around his huge frame. She considered telling him that Kaidan had kissed her, but instantly shied away from the idea. James was practically vibrating with fury. Telling him that the man who'd been making his life a misery had kissed her, even a kiss goodbye along with a promise that everything was over, would push him over the edge.

"James-"

With the timing for which he'd become famous, Joker interrupted her over the intercom, "Commander? Sorry to interrupt but the Quarian Admirals are on board and are waiting for you in the War Room."

"Tell them I'll be right down, Joker." She squeezed James tighter as she answered and then reluctantly stood up.

"Lola…" James held onto her hand and tugged her back to him, pulling her onto his lap and kissing her deep and hard. The kiss raised goose bumps along Rennah's skin and she groaned as he wrapped his arms around her and held her close. It was as far from a goodbye as a kiss could be. It was a kiss that promised heat and passion, a kiss that begged her to hurry back to him, and a kiss that made her body hunger and tingle for more.

She dragged in a deep breath when he released her and she climbed dizzily to her feet. "Wow. I don't suppose you want to take advantage of me later tonight?"

James grinned, his anger disappearing at her obvious reaction to him. "You make a tempting offer, Lola. Although I should warn you that I'm just in this for an ego trip."

"Well, I'm just after a young toyboy, so I'm sure this will work out fine." Shepard bent down and kissed him again. "I'll be back."

"I'll be waiting."

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**A/N - *coughs* ...And I'll be over here in the naughty corner with my hackneyed plot devices…**


	34. The Space Between

_Disclaimer: I don't own ME_

**A/N – I was hoping to get this out earlier but a very good friend of mine passed away from breast cancer on Friday afternoon. She was a young lady who I had the pleasure of attending university with and then teaching alongside, and I'm going to miss her more than I can say. This chapter is for her, because she always told me I should make time for my passions.**

**To everyone who left me a review (TLCinbflo, Jules Hawk, Candle in the Night, ela11, Impslave, Blausen, ThatFlyingEagle, Sita, Simone the Reaper Hunter, spacecats, Samolfran, zulija, MommaFaraday, Brooksterman & Nicniviean) ** _**thank you** _ **. Hearing from you raised my spirits and got me through a very dark time over the weekend. So thank you all for being wonderful.**

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Shepard marched into the war room with a determined look on her face. No matter what the quarian admirals threw at her she was going to be polite and hope that they didn't squabble like children as they had the last time she'd seen them. The Alliance needed their help and needed their ships. It was well known that they had the largest fleet in the galaxy and were an asset that she couldn't afford to let slip away.

_Be polite. Be charming. Be nice._

She could see Admiral Raan, Koris and Gerrel clustered together in the middle of the room talking quietly. Admiral Xen was off to one side examining some terminals and Rennah had to squash down a flash of annoyance as she began scanning them covertly with her omni-tool. Of all the Admirals, she liked Raan the best and it was her who Shepard approached first, pleased when the admiral greeted her warmly.

"Commander Shepard, it is a pleasure to see you again." Raan walked forward and held out her hand, which Shepard shook. "I wish it were under better circumstances. I am sorry to hear about Earth."

"Thank you, Admiral." Rennah inclined her head and watched Raan carefully, sensing that there was more going on than there appeared to be. There was no sense dilly dallying though, and she broached the reason she was here, "The Alliance is hoping for your support in the war against the Reapers."

"I'm afraid that will not be possible at this time." Raan looked down at the ground, seemingly in regret, "We have our own problems."

"What problems?" Shepard narrowed her eyes and glanced at each of the quarians in turn, noting that only Gerrel and Xen appeared calm. Koris was fidgeting with his omni-tool and Raan was tapping a hand against her leg; both seemed on edge.

Xen glanced over and even though Rennah couldn't see her face, she had the distinct impression that she was smirking, "Tell her, Raan."

"Tell me what?"

Raan sighed and looked up, "Seventeen days ago we began a push to take back Rannoch." She spoke almost apologetically, and Shepard could understand why; by initiating an attack on the Geth, the quarians had violated their agreement with the council.

"You did what?" She shook her head in disbelief, unable to fathom that the quarians had been so reckless with the Reapers bearing down on them.

Koris sighed and flicked his omni-tool on, "I warned them that provoking the geth was a bad idea, not to mention breaking our treaty with the…"

"A treaty violation is nothing!" Xen snapped waspishly at Koris, "We have a real chance to retake out home system and get out hands on invaluable AI technology! I'd have thought you of all people would have understood, Koris! Think what this could do for our civilians!"

"I was never in favour of this suicidal war! We should have left the geth alone and then this never would have happened!" He let his breath out in a hiss, "I warned you that things would go badly!"

Rennah looked from Koris to Xen and sighed inwardly as they bickered. She could understand why the Geth had reacted badly to the quarians trying to kill them three hundred years ago, and she doubted that much would have changed in all those years. No creature would voluntarily let itself get killed, and that was true of AIs as well as living creatures.

"Let me guess," Shepard interrupted their shouting match, "things went well at first, but now there's a problem and you need my help? Hackett said you asked for me by name, so what do you want?"

Silence greeted her and they exchanged a look, then Gerrel spoke up, choosing his words carefully, "Yes, well, that would be somewhat accurate." He stepped forward to the holographic interface and brought up an image of Rannoch, "We pushed the Geth back to their, _our_ , home system when a signal of unknown origin began broadcasting to the Geth fleet."

"The Reapers?" Shepard guessed, her violet eyes reflecting the holograms displayed. She frowned and watched the holographic display as it showed the geth fleet repelling the quarians, "What happened?"

"The signal seems to have upgraded them somehow. They are far more dangerous and have pinned our whole fleet in the system…"

Shepard flicked her gaze up at Gerrel and pushed away from the display with a frown, "Your _whole_ fleet? Even the civilian ships?"

"Yes." Koris interrupted Gerrel, clearly angry, "Admiral Gerrel _insisted_ on involving our civilian ships and jury rigging them with weapons. If we don't retreat we could lose our whole fleet including our liveships."

Rennah crossed her arms and paced back and forth as she mulled over the sheer logistics of mobilising the entire quarian flotilla for war. Using the civilian fleet had been a clever idea, and if the Geth hadn't managed to get Reaper support, it might have worked. She knew why Gerrel had fought for it, but it had back fired on them in a big way, that was for sure. The risk to the civilians was significant, and stopping that Reaper signal was of the utmost importance.

She swung back around to face the Admirals and the display, "Okay, where is the signal coming from?"

"This geth dreadnaught." Gerrel zoomed the hologram in on the largest of the giant bug-like ships, "It's impressive in scale and design, and unfortunately it can easily outgun anything we throw at it."

"Which is why we need you." Xen sounded unhappy about that fact, "Your Normandy's stealth drive should allow you to get close enough to board the dreadnaught and disable the signal, which will allow us to push out attack…"

"Allow us to retreat, you mean?" Koris interrupted, straightening to his full height, "I will not tolerate the loss of any more civilian vessels in this ill-advised war!"

Gerrel and Xen both appeared to be ready for a fight, but Shepard cut them off before they could start anything, "The civilian ships need to retreat. If you have Reapers around it's bad news for any living creature, and I wouldn't recommend throwing civilians at them."

"Agreed." Raan nodded slowly, but she didn't sound happy, "Our newest Admiral has volunteered to lend her technical expertise. I believe you know Tali'Zorah vas Normandy?"

Rennah grinned in surprise as Tali stepped out of the doorway where she'd been loitering. She'd assumed she was a quarian guard and hadn't looked too closely at her when she'd appeared, but it was obviously her old friend. Tali and Garrus were the only people from her original crew who had stepped up against the Collectors. They'd joined Shepard even though she was with Cerberus and even though they had no reason to trust her.

"Reporting for duty, Commander." Tali's lilting voice was music to Shepard's ears and her grin stretched wider.

_Garrus will be happy!_

"Good to see you, Tali." She sensed that under her mask Tali was smiling just as broadly, and Rennah turned back to face the Admirals, "I'll need some time to brief my team and analyse your data before I go in."

"That would be wise." Koris nodded, "We'll need time to make arrangements for the flotilla to retreat once the signal is offline."

Shepard glanced at the time on the display, "Will you be ready to move in an hour?"

"We will." Raan sounded relieved, as though worried that Shepard would turn her back on them, "Thank you, Commander."

Shepard left the Admiral's to their bickering and joined Tali as she left the war room, obviously eager to distance herself from the others. They walked silently together and Shepard opened her omni-tool to send James a quick message, letting him know they'd have to do some fighting before they could play and he should meet her on the crew level. It was frustrating that she wasn't going to get to spend any quality time with him after getting so worked up, but that was life.

"So, Admiral Tali'Zorah vas Normandy, huh? Sounds impressive." She glanced at Tali's face as they walked, wishing for the umpteenth time that she knew what her face looked like under the mask.

Tali only shook her head, "It's not as impressive as it sounds. It's only a formality, really."

"You sound just like Garrus. He was on Palaven's moon acting as a Special Reaper Consultant with his own task force, and he tried to pull that line on me too."

"Garrus is here?" Tali's head whipped around to face Shepard and there was unbridled interest in her voice.

"Yeah, he's in the med bay recovering from a close encounter with a Banshee." She managed to stifle a grin at Tali's enthusiasm.

In all her years of service, she'd never really become as close to a crew as she had with the Normandy's. Maybe it was the intense situations they'd found themselves in or the way they'd stood shoulder to shoulder to stare down certain death, but she trusted these people with her life. She trusted them in ways that she had never trusted anyone before. In many ways, they were her family.

"Is there a chance we could see…?" Tali glanced towards the elevator as they were scanned out of the war room, "I mean, could we quickly see Garrus?"

"Sure." Shepard steered her friend towards the elevator, "He'd _love_ to get a visit from you."

"Really?" Tali almost skipped a step and her voice had an edge of excitement to it.

They caught the elevator down and Shepard fired off a message to Kaidan, asking him to come to the crew level to be briefed on mission that would require his tech expertise. She was slightly hesitant to take both Kaidan and James along with herself and Tali, but it would do the boys good to be made to fight together. They needed something to bond over, and fighting a common enemy was the best she had.

Hell, it was _all_ she had.

They stepped out of the elevator and almost walked straight into Kaidan who was waiting near the memorial wall and reading a message on his omni-tool. He nodded at Shepard and closed it, the look in his eyes careful and polite, and then turned his gaze on Tali. Shepard almost laughed as Kaidan did a double take and then grinned.

"Tali!" He sounded shocked, "Is that you?"

"Kaidan!" Tali crossed the floor and pulled Alenko into a hug, "I didn't know you were back! It's so good to see you!"

"Tali, it's been years." Kaidan hugged her tightly, "I take it you've got something to do with this mission?"

"Of course." She stepped back, "We're boarding a geth dreadnaught."

"You always did have a way with the geth." Kaidan looked at Shepard again, his amber eyes far warmer than they had been moments ago, "Are we the ground team?"

She shook her head, "James too. I figure an extra gun will help when we're facing who knows how many murderously angry machines."

"I won't argue with that." Kaidan didn't even skip a beat as he fell in with them as they moved towards the med bay, peeling off to the mess when he realised they were going in to see Garrus, "I'm getting some energy gels, you need some Commander?"

"That's be good, thanks." She watched him go and then hurried after Tali, smiling as she realised that the quarian was greeting Chakwas just as enthusiastically as she'd greeted Kaidan.

Beyond her, Garrus looked about as surprised as a turian could and he was watching Tali with wide eyes as she bounced towards him. It was probably mean of her to have thrown Tali at him with no warning, but turnabout was fair play and Garrus had loved tormenting her about James. They looked happy as they chatted and when Tali reached down and took Garrus' hand, Shepard could see how much it meant to him.

"And what happened to you, Vakarian?" Tali lounged against the side of the bed, one hand on her hip flirtatiously, "I thought Archangel could only be taken out by a gunship?"

Garrus laughed softly, "Clearly you haven't come across many Reapers out here. A banshee stabbed its arm through me…"

"It _what_?" Tali leaned closer to get a better look at his injury, "Well, I'm glad you're okay."

The two of them continued chatting and Shepard left the med bay to give them some time alone. Whenever they were around each other it was so painfully obvious that they liked each other, but neither of them did anything about it. Garrus was incredibly awkward and Tali was flirty but never followed through. Sometimes she wanted to just lock them in a room together and tell them to work it out.

"They seem happy." Kaidan was watching Garrus and Tali through the med bay windows. "Are they together?"

"No." Shepard shrugged and glanced at Kaidan carefully, "Not yet, anyway."

She was still furious with Kaidan about that unwanted kiss earlier, but however she felt about him and however he felt about her, they had to put it aside and work together on this mission. They would need Kaidan's tech skills when they went up against the geth, and she trusted him to have her back in a fire fight. His behaviour had been inexcusable, but underneath all of his hurt and pain, he was a good solider and someone who she had once trusted with her life.

"I'm sorry about earlier." Kaidan shifted his weight uneasily and looked at her remorsefully, "I shouldn't have said those things to James and I shouldn't have kissed you..."

"No, you shouldn't have." Rennah snapped, glaring angrily back in the med bay window. Even talking about it made her uncomfortable, "You forced that kiss on me and you're lucky I'm not hauling you up for sexual harassment."

"I know." He looked down at the ground and sighed, "It won't happen again and if it makes you feel any better I'm disgusted with myself for doing that."

"Good." Shepard took the gels he offered and tucked them into her pocket, "You're a grown man Kaidan, and I get sick of you and James bickering over me like two dogs with a bone."

"Yeah, I get that." He rolled his shoulders as though to ease tension and took a slow step away from her, "I'm going to head downstairs and armour up, but I just wanted to apologise properly. I won't let you down again."

Rennah watched him walk away, the threads of anger still worming their way through her. She was sick of always being angry with Kaidan, she knew it was tough for him, watching her with James and knowing she was with another man, but he had to let go. She knew what it was like to have her heart broken because he'd broken hers on Horizon. It had hurt and she'd cried, hated him and raged, but she'd moved on.

So why couldn't he?

* * *

James stepped into the elevator and tried not to feel slightly disappointed that he wasn't going to get any time alone with Shepard. It was selfish, but the fight with Kaidan had thrown him more than he'd let on, and he needed to feel her in his arms again and reassure himself that they were fine. Some of the things that Kaidan had said to him had hit pretty close to home, especially when he'd asked him if he thought Shepard loved him.

What the hell had Kaidan expected him to say?

Worse still, he didn't have a clue if Shepard loved him, and it was driving him nuts because he was in love with her. Physically they were fantastic, and she was more than affectionate with him, but he had no clue how deep her feelings ran. They were closer than they ever had been, and last night, after he'd taken Rennah to see Chakwas, she'd asked him to spend the night with her.

She'd been so exhausted that she'd fallen asleep almost as soon as her head had hit the pillow in her cabin, but James had stayed for a bit, lying beside her and watching the stars through the canopy. When he'd tried to go back downstairs later on, assuming she wouldn't want anyone seeing him slipping out in the morning, she'd woken up. Rennah had been half asleep and had clung to him like a limpet, pulling him back to bed and telling him to hold her and stay until the morning.

She'd been incredibly sweet and James wanted to believe it was love.

The elevator doors opened on the shuttle bay and he stopped in his tracks when he saw Alenko was already there and was in his armour. He looked at James and nodded politely, as though they hadn't almost been at each other throat's earlier, then he looked away without saying a word. It took every ounce of self-control James had, but he went over and suited up, ignoring the other man as best as he could.

He refilled the medigel reservoirs on his armour, stocked up on extra ammo and then went over to the weapon rack and pulled out his favourite assault rifle and shot gun. He secured his weapons and turned around in time to see Kaidan watching him. The atmosphere was uncomfortable and when the elevator opened again Shepard stepped out with a female quarian in tow, both he and Kaidan let out sighs of relief.

James had met quarians before, but they'd all been young males on their pilgrimages and he'd never taken the time to get to know them. This female seemed completely different; she walked with confidence and she definitely had a body that would have got James's attention once upon a time. She wasn't as hot as his Lola, but she had curves in all the right places.

She spoke quietly to Rennah and then turned to look at James, "You must be Vega, Garrus speaks highly of you." She held out a hand and James shook it, unsure of what to make of this adorable quarian woman. "I'm Admiral Tali'Zorah vas Normandy." She paused and James had a feeling she was enjoying his shocked expression, "You can call me Tali though."

"Maybe." James grinned playfully, deciding he liked the spunky young lady, " Or I might just call you Sparks."

" _Sparks_?" Tali sounded bemused and glanced at Shepard. "Is he always like this?"

Rennah smiled, "James likes his nicknames."

"So where are we going, Commander?" He crossed his arms over his chest, a struggle in the bulky combat armour.

"To a geth dreadnaught to disable a reaper signal." Shepard's smile widened into a grin when James' eyebrows shot up, "You can't say I don't take you anywhere interesting."

" _Dios_ , that's for sure." James murmured, the playful light in her eyes making things twist and turn low in his body, "Uh, Commander, could I talk to you in private for a moment?" He gestured towards his workbench past the armoury.

"Sure." She smirked at him and her eyes twinkled, no doubt remembering the last time they'd been alone at his workbench, "Kaidan, can you get Tali a shotgun and some ammo?"

"Of course." Kaidan smiled at Tali and led her to the weapon rack.

They left Kaidan and Tali chatting and crossed the floor, James' skin prickling with awareness every time Shepard's hand brushed against his. He followed her around behind his workbench so they were shielded from view and then pulled Shepard into his arms and kissed her. Their lips met hungrily and in that instant James knew that Shepard was just as disappointed as he was that they weren't going to be alone for a while yet.

He let his hands wander down her body, tracing over her hips in her BDU and squeezing her ass and she groaned against his mouth, her hands holding tightly to his armour. Slowly, pressing several smaller kisses to his lips and jaw, Rennah drew away and watched him through smouldering eyes. She ran her hands over the armour plates on his arms and then over his chest, before giving herself a small shake and stepping away.

"You like what you see, Lola?" James felt good as she watched him hungrily, his blood singing in his veins.

She nodded slowly, biting her lip as she ran her eyes up and down his body and obviously appreciated the view, "Hell yes. No one has the right to look that good in armour, Jimmy."

"I'm not going to distract you am I?" He was enjoying her reaction far more than he should have been, but it eased some of his fears to see the way she watched him.

Shepard smiled at him, "Well, after the way we left things upstairs I was already a little distracted, but this is helping to focus me." She stepped closer and kissed him again, then pressed her forehead to his, closing her eyes and drawing in a deep breath. "You're a pretty good reason to fight like hell and come back."

"Right back at you." James wanted to hold her close and kiss her again, but she had already stepped back and was walking away.

It didn't take long for Shepard to get her armour on and her weapons out, then all four of them headed to the airlock as she briefed them. Docking with a geth ship was a new one for James, but it didn't seem to faze Joker and the pilot teased them light-heartedly as they pulled up next to a damaged docking tube.

"Have you fought geth before, Lieutenant?" Kaidan had been silent since he and Shepard had rejoined him in the shuttle bay, but he opened up a private channel between their helmet transceivers and turned to face James as the airlock cycled. "Fighting them is a little different to taking out mercs and reapers."

James tensed, wondering if he should block the major's comm line and ignore him in case this led to another argument, but in the end his curiosity won out and he answered. "No, I haven't fought them before."

Kaidan readied his gun and glanced at Shepard, his face hidden beneath the dark visor of his helmet. "Their shields are sensitive to tech attacks and not a lot else. You and Shepard will both need to hold fire until Tali and I can use overload and sabotage to get their shields down, then you can go to town on them."

"Uh, thanks." James hid his surprise by pulling his own rifle out as the airlock hissed and began to open. "I think."

"Well, I wouldn't want you running out of ammo." Kaidan sounded vaguely amused at the thought, and James wondered if he was grinning behind his visor. "Besides which, we're going to need every bullet we can. Getting this signal offline isn't going to be easy and I hate to think how many geth are inside a dreadnaught."

"Yeah, I was thinking that myself. Thanks for the tip." James still couldn't shake the feeling that Kaidan was having a go at him on some level, but he took his combat advice at face value.

He snorted. "Don't thank me, Lieutenant; just aim for the flashlight-heads."

The airlock finally opened all the way and James switched his attention back to the ship ahead of them, swearing in Spanish as he saw how badly damaged the docking tube was. It was a mess; coils of piping and sheets of metal were floating mid-air, and huge gaping holes, metres wide, stretched along the floor of the tube. It didn't look sturdy enough to hold one person, let alone four of them.

"Great." Shepard sounded about as impressed as he felt, "Well, I guess we'll do this one at a time and play it safe. I'll go first, than Tali, Kaidan and James. No one rush and everyone magnetise your boots."

She stepped out into the docking tube before any of them could argue and began to make her way slowly but calmly through the tube. James clenched his hands tightly every time the tube groaned and shuddered. Watching her put her life in danger was even worse than listening to it on the comms, and he reminded himself over and over again that this was Commander Shepard and she would be fine.

Shepard was almost at the end of the tube when there was a low rumble and the docking tube tore away from the other ship with a reverberating jolt that they all felt. Tali and James both lost their footing and fell, and when James looked back up there was so much debris floating in the tube that he couldn't see Shepard.

"Where is she?" Kaidan sounded as frantic as James felt. "Shepard?"

Tali gasped and saw her point to the geth ship. "She made it!" The quarian sounded relieved. "I thought we'd lost you for a moment, Commander!"

"No, I'm fine." Rennah sounded breathless and just a little bit scared, and James felt his heart squeeze as he realised that the last time she'd been in space like this was probably when she'd died over Alchera. "But you guys are going to have to find another way in."

"I'm on it." Tali brought up her omni-tool and contacted Joker.

"Stay safe, Lola." James gave her a brief wave, unsure if she could see him at this distance, and then closed the airlock. "We'll catch up to you soon."

"I'll be waiting."

* * *

**A/N - I promise that James and Shepard will get some time alone in the next chapter! Cross my heart!**


	35. Zvezda Moya

_Disclaimer: I don't own Mass Effect_

**A/N – What a week! Thanks to everyone for the support and kind comments you gave me. I'm feeling much happier and writing was a nice way to relax. I enjoyed working on this chapter, it kind of brings a little bit of closure to a few things. I had fun with it, I hope you all enjoy reading it.**

**A big thank you to TLCinbflo who gave me some feedback when I got stuck and second guessed myself! You're awesome!**

* * *

Kaidan leaned against the railing of the geth dreadnaught as he loaded another round of thermal clips into his assault rifle. From the corner of his eye he could see James and Shepard standing together and although he tried not to watch them, it was impossible for him to look away. He saw James pass her some extra thermal clips, and Kaidan felt a pang of sadness as Shepard took them with _that_ smile.

He swallowed hard and forced himself to look away, his eyes sweeping the area for geth hunters or useful tech to scan. The area was clear though, and despite how much it hurt, his thoughts and his eyes wandered back to Shepard. He wanted to be a good friend and to be happy that she'd found a little bit of joy in what was a very dark time, but it was hard.

For the first time in years, Kaidan let himself think about their relationship on the SR-1. He'd fallen in love with Rennah the instant he'd laid eyes on her, and he was pretty sure that everyone, including her, had known. They'd shaken hands and a literal spark had jumped between them; a warm flare of biotics that sent shivers down Kaidan's spine. He'd looked into her eyes, a gorgeous rich amethyst which flecks of biotic blue, and he'd been lost.

The energy between them was exciting, exhilarating and beautiful, and he'd wanted her in a way that he hadn't wanted anyone since Rahna. They'd discovered that they had a lot in common beyond biotics, and they'd grown close in a very short space of time. She'd been so passionate and loving, and so fiery and tempestuous, that he'd been happy to follow her lead, supporting her through all the tough times.

He'd loved her more than he had ever thought he would love another person, and when she died over Alchera his world fell apart. He'd grieved for months, clinging to his memories and refusing to move on with his life. It was Anderson who had finally got through to him, Anderson who was grieving for Shepard just as keenly as he was. He'd pulled him out of his pit of despair, dusted him off and forced him to re-join the world.

Kaidan had mourned Shepard for two years, and when the grief had finally dulled to a bearable dull ache, she'd appeared on Horizon like a ghost. He'd hated her for that; hated her for hurting him, hated her for leaving him and hated her for coming back when he'd just pulled himself together. He'd lashed out blindly, wanting to hurt her as badly as she had hurt him. He hadn't listened when she told him that she'd been dead for two years and had only just woken from her coma; he'd only seen her wearing Cerberus colours and assumed the worst.

It was later, when his adrenaline had faded and reality had come crashing back, that he'd realised what he'd done. He'd gripped tightly to the idea of Rennah being a Cerberus traitor to justify what he'd said, but he'd known deep down that she was telling the truth. Now, months later, it was clear that the damage he'd done was too deep to be repaired. Shepard was harder, colder and darker than the woman he remembered, and some of that was his fault.

She didn't love him anymore, that was clear now, and she would probably never love him as she once had. He'd wounded her to her very core, and that kind of heartache didn't heal easily. The woman that had once laughed with him, made love to him and planned a life with him was gone. She was willing to have him on the ship and even to be his friend, but she wasn't going to trust him with her heart again.

James Vega had that pleasure.

God, how he wanted to hate that man. He disliked him, he'd even thought he hated him for a while, but the truth was that James was a decent guy. He was funny, charismatic, and everyone else on the Normandy seemed to genuinely like him. Even Liara, who Kaidan knew was half in love with Shepard herself, seemed to like the guy and championed him being with her. To make things worse, Kaidan knew that if the situation was different, he and Vega would have been friends. 

He disliked him out of jealousy, not out of hate.

Seeing them together had been like taking a knife to the stomach. Kaidan knew he'd been an idiot to get his hopes up after Leviathan, but he hadn't imagined the spark between them in the shuttle. His dreams of Shepard learning to trust and love him again had been little more than a daydream, and they'd crumbled to dust the instant the elevator door had opened and he'd seen them wrapped in each other's arms.

Vega and Shepard, together as a couple, hadn't been real to him until that moment. Seeing her with James, pressing her lips to his, was just too much for Kaidan to bear and his hurt had got the better of him. He had wanted to believe that it was just a fling and that Shepard was lonely and Vega wanted to sleep with his idol, but the way they'd looked at each other had ripped his heart out.

Maybe it was love and maybe it wasn't, but it was clear to him now that he'd lost Shepard for good and he had to face up to that.

He had to let her go.

"We're almost there." Shepard finished loading her thermal clips and pushed away from the railing. "The signal is just up ahead."

They began to move forward, James and Shepard in the lead while he and Tali followed behind, ready to launch tech attacks if they spotted any geth. The ship was enormous, and Kaidan couldn't help but look around as they walked. The technology was fascinating and, given a chance, he would have loved a closer look at it. He'd always been interested in alien tech, and the geth ship appeared to be a treasure trove of data.

It was almost a pity they were here to destroy it. _Almost_.

The room containing the drive core was blazingly bright compared to the dimly lit corridors and darkened catwalks they'd come from. As they moved into the room, Shepard and Tali both came to a stop and Kaidan almost walked into them. He glanced at them in irritation and realised that they were both staring open mouthed at a mess of cables and reaper tech ahead of them that were hooked up to a restrained geth.

The geth was suspended in the middle of the room, and a series of cables and devices that were hooked into it led away to several other humming machines that had the look of Reaper tech. The geth was clearly trapped, but it looked up as they came in and to Kaidan's surprise it seemed to recognise Shepard and spoke to her.

"Shepard Commander. Help us."

He glanced at Rennah in shock as she lowered her gun and stepped forward, "Legion!"

"You know this thing?" Kaidan couldn't keep the shock out of his voice.

Tali nodded, "This is Legion. It's a friend of ours."

James made a sound of disbelief, "But it's a geth!"

Kaidan looked across at James and nodded, understanding exactly where the lieutenant was coming from. This machine was one of the artificial monsters that had slaughtered the council races in droves back when they'd been hunting down Saren. They had run the quarians off their own planet and were currently trying to destroy their entire race.

"Legion is a friend." Shepard said firmly, "Without his help we wouldn't have been able to take down the Collector base."

Kaidan glanced back at James and the other man shrugged, a rare moment of understanding passing between them. They may not have liked each other, but at that instant neither one of them understood Shepard. Only _she_ could befriend a geth and then steadfastly stand by it even when it was hooked up to reaper technology.

"It's good to see you again, Legion." Tali stepped forward, setting her shotgun down on a bench. "Hang on and we'll try to get you down."

"Commander." Kaidan looked from his omni-tool back to Shepard, "The reaper signal is coming from this geth. Letting it go could be a bad idea."

James nodded, "For all we know, it could have sided with them voluntarily or it could be hacked."

"No." Rennah shook her head, "Legion helped us fight the Reapers. He wouldn't have agreed to this."

The geth seemed to watch their exchanges, and Kaidan guessed that it was listening in to their communication channel as it chimed in, "Once released this unit will submit to any restraint Shepard Command deems necessary."

"I trust you." Shepard stepped back from the control panel and glanced at the Reaper cables, "How did this happen?"

Legion considered her words, tilting its flashlight shaped head this way and that before it answered, "The old machines are using this unit's networking router to broadcast their command signal to all geth." It paused and glanced at all of them before it spoke again, "Removing us from the device will halt the signal broadcast."

Kaidan opened up a private channel to James, "It's telling Shepard exactly what she wants to hear. Be ready to take it out if it tries anything."

"Yeah, I hear you." Vega nodded at him and Kaidan tightened his own grip on his gun as the geth continued speaking.

"We are secured via hardware blocks that have shackled our operating protocols. Shutting them down will allow you to remove our restraints and free us." The geth again seemed to look at them in turn and Kaidan felt his skin crawl as he saw that the geth had fixed a burnt up piece of N7 armour onto itself. "The operating console is on the far side of the room. Removing the blocks should be simple."

"Right!" Shepard swung around to look at them, "Tali and Kaidan, I want you on those hardware blocks. James and I will stay here in case we need to physically remove Legion from the restraints."

"Roger that, Commander." Kaidan nodded, looking quickly at Vega to make sure the younger man understood that he had to be ready to act. He'd remove the blocks and trust that James could take the geth out if it tried anything with Shepard while he and Tali were across the room.

"How did the Reapers even take control of the geth? I thought we destroyed the heretics and the rest of you wanted nothing to do with the Reapers?" Shepard began speaking to the machine again as they moved off, and Kaidan kept one ear on their conversation.

It was curious that Shepard, someone who had hated and fought against the geth for so many years, had befriended one and was standing by it even though it was broadcasting a reaper signal. Clearly she'd met this thing while working for Cerberus, and somehow the machine had managed to win her trust.

"The geth sought the help of the old machines when the creators attacked us." Kaidan was surprised to realise that the machine sounded almost regretful as it spoke to Shepard, "Without their upgrades the geth would likely have been destroyed."

There was a pause and Kaidan could almost feel Shepard's surprise and disappointment, "Are you telling me that the geth allowed the Reapers to take control of them _because_ the quarians attacked them?"

"Yes. We did not wish to be destroyed."

Tali looked back at the geth from the terminal that they were at, "There must have been another way, Legion! Allying yourselves with the Reapers is..is…!"

"No, Creator Zorah, there was no other way. The geth do not have allies. We had nowhere else to turn if we wished to avoid destruction."

Kaidan told himself he was imagining the remorse in the machine's tone; it was a geth and the geth didn't have emotions. Instead, he focused on the terminal in front of him and with Tali's help, he slowly managed to eliminate the blocks on the geth's hardware. Finally, the device powered down and Legion was free. It released itself from the reaper device and leaped to the ground next to James and Shepard.

"I begged them to negotiate with the geth, I begged them." Tali murmured next to him, the raw emotion audible over the transmitter. "This could have been avoided if we'd just talked to them!"

"They're machines Tali." Kaidan reminded her as they walked back to Shepard, who was speaking to Admiral Gerrel over a secure channel, "Never forget that they drove your people from Rannoch hundreds of years ago."

The lights in the room threw ominous shadows all around them as the drive core fluctuated and went out, and Kaidan tensed as the geth turned back to stare at him. Up close, he could see that the armour on the geth's shoulder _was_ in fact N7 armour and it looked sickeningly familiar.

"Is it wearing a piece of your armour?" He glared at the geth as he spoke, his stomach turning bitterly as he came to the logical conclusion.

"Yeah, Legion found it on Alchera." Shepard sounded _asmused_ and Kaidan turned to look at her in surprise.

"It _scavenged_ from your corpse?"

She laughed, and Kaidan felt a flash of annoyance go through him at her flippancy, "No, it was sent by the geth consortium to investigate me. Legion found the armour and…used it."

"What? Why?" James spoke up before Kaidan could ask the very same question, his curiosity bubbling away. Why would a geth wear a piece of Shepard's armour? It was a little spooky.

Shepard shrugged and turned back to face Legion. "It had a hole."

"This unit has deactivated the drive core as a gesture of good will." Legion pointed to the now defunct core, "The weapons, barrier and the reaper signal are now offline."

"Excellent, I…"

Shepard was interrupted by a violent tremor that shook the geth ship and which flung all of them sideways into a railing the stretched the width of the room. Kaidan scrambled to his feet with his rifle pointed at the geth, certain that this had something to do with it, but Tali lurched to her feet next to him and pushed his weapon down.

"That wasn't Legion! That was the quarians! Gerrel has ordered a full attack on the dreadnaught over a secure quarian channel!" She sounded terrified and Kaidan looked across as Shepard who had already climbed to her feet and was helping James stand, "Shepard! We have to get out of here!"

"Agreed!" Shepard turned to Legion, grabbing hold of James to steady herself as the ship lurched under them again. "Legion, can you get us out of here?"

"Yes. The docking bay is nearby and this unit can pilot a geth fighter." Legion led them out of the room, surprising fast on its awkward looking legs.

Around them the ship was rocking unsteadily as the quarians fired on it, and though there were no klaxons or warning lights, it was clear that the dreadnaught was in trouble. A pipe ruptured and steam began to hiss out in front of them, obscuring their view, but Kaidan pressed on with the rest of their team. There was another ground-shaking explosion and he gasped as the gangway ahead of them gave way.

Kaidan pulled himself up short managed to grab hold of Tali and drag her back from the edge, but Shepard was mid-way across the section that fell and she vanished into the abyss. James managed to leap clear in a demonstration of athleticism that Kaidan couldn't help but be impressed by, landing safely on the far side next to Legion.

"Commander! You okay?" Vega's voice buzzed in his hear and Kaidan grinned in relief as he heard Shepard grumbling and swearing in reply.

There was no other way across to the far side, so Kaidan and Tali carefully climbed down and followed Shepard who was already sprinting up a ramp on the far side of the room. The explosions and detonations were getting worse, and both he and Tali were struggling to keep their feet under them as they bolted up the ramp to join the others near a geth fighter.

Without warning, the lights on the dreadnaught flickered and the gravity went out. Kaidan sucked in a yell as his forward motion carried him off the ramp and into the cavernous docking bay. He spun crazily, unable to control his speed or direction as he careened away from the others. He could hear confused voices on the transceiver in his ear; Shepard's voice yelling his name, James yelling Shepard's name and Tali repeating the words ' _Oh Keelah!_ ' over and over.

In his peripheral vision he could see Tali tumbling in space a few metre away, and he breathed a sigh of relief as he saw Legion gracefully snag Tali as she floated away. He felt a moment of panic, as he wondered how the hell he was going to get out of here before he floated into space, then two strong arms wrapped around him and he found himself staring at Shepard's breather helmet, the silhouette of her face only just visible.

_She'd come for him…_

"Got you!" Her arms tightened around him and Kaidan wrapped his arms around her waist as the spinning stopped and their momentum carried them towards another docked geth ship.

They hit the ship legs first and both of them automatically bent their knees, absorbing the impact and then pushing out and away, back in the direction they'd come. This time Legion caught them both and swung them towards the fighter, only releasing them when their magboots had locked onto the hull.

Kaidan was still shaking as he climbed down into the storage compartment and found himself sandwiched uncomfortably between Tali and James. Shepard swung down a moment later and resorted to scrunching up on James' lap, her legs laying across Kaidan and Tali's laps.

"Is there enough room in the storage compartment, Shepard Commander?" Legion asked from the spacious pilot seat, his hands flying over the controls as he piloted them out of the docking bay and away from the dreadnaught.

Shepard paused for a moment and then shrugged, "We're fine, just get us out of here."

Kaidan could hear Tali conversing with Joker and giving him coordinates to meet them, while James surreptitiously put an arm around Shepard's waist, and held her carefully against him. He had the feeling they were speaking on a private line and Kaidan hesitated for a moment, not wanting to interrupt them when they were having a moment. However, he had to know why she'd come after him when she hated him.

"Commander?" He spoke up carefully, feeling awkward as both James and Shepard turned their helmets to look at him.

"Are you alright Kaidan?" Shepard sounded genuinely concerned and he felt some of tension he'd been carrying since he kissed her, ease up.

_She didn't hate him._

"I'm fine. I just wanted to say thank you for saving me back there."

She put a hand on his shoulder and tightened it briefly, "Don't mention it, that's what friends do."

Kaidan turned to look back out the forward window as the dreadnaught exploded behind them and the fighter shuddered slightly from the shockwave. Being friends with Shepard wasn't what he wanted, but he would take her friendship if she was offering it. It was more than he deserved after the way he'd acted towards her and James.

She made an angry noise as the Normandy flew into view and Kaidan lightly touched her arm. "You okay?"

"Yeah," Shepard nodded slowly, her expression unreadable under her helmet, "I just can't wait to get my hands on Admiral Gerrel…"

* * *

James tried not to grin as he followed Shepard from the war room, his shoulders shaking with suppressed laughter as she flung a disgruntled look in his direction. Rennah had _not_ been impressed with Gerrel's attack on the geth dreadnaught when they'd still been on it, and her anger had manifested in a physical display that Gerrel wouldn't be forgetting for a long time. She'd actually punched the Admiral in the stomach, and when he'd puffed himself up and started to yell at her she'd hit him again and ordered him off the ship.

She'd been ferocious as she'd torn strips off the quarians for endangering the lives of one of their own Admirals _and_ the lives of several key Normandy personnel. Raan had apologised as Xen led the spluttering Gerrel away, taking him back to his own flagship before Shepard could have another go at him. Korris and Tali had mostly stayed out of it, only commenting that _they'd_ assumed that the quarian fleets would withdraw, and that Gerrel had acted without their consent.

"The nerve of that man! Trying to justify firing on a ship when we were still inside of it!" Shepard stabbed her finger at the call button on the elevator, unaware of the staff at the CIC busily turning their attention elsewhere as she raged, "I mean, I understand the temptation of pushing the advantage and taking the damn thing out, but you'd think he could have waited five _fucking_ minutes for us to leave!" She viciously jabbed the call button again and tapped her foot impatiently.

"It's unacceptably, but we got out safely." James reminded her, clenching his jaw as he remembered how she'd fallen down when the gangway collapsed, and then how she'd launched herself after Kaidan without a moment's hesitation.

Three times today she'd almost wound up meeting her maker, and each time James had almost died from the adrenaline that had surged through him. Once when the docking tube gave way, once when that damned gangway had collapsed and again when she'd launched herself into space to retrieve Kaidan. It had been brave but incredibly stupid! Especially when they had a non-living geth standing right there that probably could have floated out and saved Alenko without any problem.

The elevator arrived and she got in, her anger fading as she pressed the button for her cabin and turned to him with a sly grin, "At least you and Kaidan seemed to get on better today."

"United in our mistrust of geth." James murmured to her, slipping an arm around her waist and pulling her closer to him.

"What?" She gave him a puzzled glance and James grinned.

"Nothing."

The elevator doors opened and they walked out together, the atmosphere becoming electrified the instant they got inside of her cabin and closed the door. James could barely control himself as she pulled away and walked over to her desk, dropping the data pad she was carrying and then turning back as she flashed him a smile.

Did she know how beautiful she was? She always seemed so surprised at the attention she drew from people, but every now and again, like now, he was certain that she knew how gorgeous she was. The way she was watching him and the look in her eyes was blisteringly hot and James moved towards her like a moth to a flame, powerless to stop himself.

"It feels like forever since we've been alone." She complained as he pulled her into his arms, marvelling as he always did at the way she fit so perfectly against him.

"Mmm." James agreed, running his hands down her body and circling his hands around her waist as he lowered his head to take her mouth in a passionate kiss.

Shepard twined her arms around his neck and pressed against him eagerly, smelling of sweat, gun oil and that sharp biotic ozone scent which was uniquely her. He drew back and pressed a gentle kiss to her forehead, enjoying the simple pleasure of holding her while he could. It was so good just to be close to her without worrying about people seeing them or judging them.

She stayed in his arms for a moment, then wriggled free and grinned at him as she took a backwards step towards the bathroom, "Care to join me for a shower, Jimmy?"

"Is that your way of telling me I stink?" James joked as he willingly followed her into the tiny room.

She laughed and the sound sent pleasant shivers down his spine, "Maybe it's my way of telling you how dirty I feel!"

They stripped off their BDUs and underwear and slipped under the warm water. It was ridiculous, both of them trying to shower at the same time, but they laughed and joked as they vied for position under the water. James took his time as he ran the bar of soap over Shepard's body, lathering up the suds and washing away the sweat of the day from her skin.

Shepard sighed softly, in obvious pleasure as he pulled her back against him under the water, her ass pushing gently against his erection. He slid his hands around her front and massaged her breasts carefully, nuzzling the side of her neck and giving her a love bite. She groaned and turned in his arms, her eyes burning with hunger as she looked up at him, the water misting around her.

James framed her face in his hands, sliding his hands down to her jaw as he tipped her face up and kissed her. It was a gentle kiss, a loving kiss, and he deepened it slowly, sliding his tongue along hers as his hands slid from her face and down her wonderful curves. He slid a knee in between her legs and she gasped as he pushed her against the shower wall.

He cupped her buttocks and lifted her, spreading her legs and sliding his hard length inside of her innermost core in one smooth slick motion. James paused once he was sheathed inside of her fully, groaning as Rennah whimpered in pleasure and arched against him, throwing her head back and wrapping her long legs tightly around his waist. The warm water coursed down around them as he braced her back against the shower wall and began to move slowly inside of her, deliberately taking things tortuously slow.

Shepard rested her arms on his shoulders and raised her head to look at him, her violet eyes staring deeply into his as they moved together, their bodies joined in the most primal of ways. She curled her nails into his skin and bit her lip as James quickened his movements, thrusting himself inside of her faster and deeper. He leaned forward and licked beaded water off her chest, allowing his tongue to delve into the hollow of her collar bone and then gently biting her neck, groaning as Shepard tightened her pelvic muscles reflexively.

She was so warm and tight around him that it was a struggle not to pin her to the wall and take her hard and fast like they had other times, but this was different. This was special. The way she was watching him was so intimate that James felt certain that he could tell her he loved her and she would be reciprocate. There was magic between them, and something that was this right had to be love.

The warm glowing pleasure began to build inside of him, and James quickened his movements further, chasing the magic that was flowing through them. Shepard was moving against him too, her body arching rhythmically against him as she met each of his thrusts with a roll of her hips. She panted, clenching her teeth and James felt her body tense around his as she rode the crest of that wave of ecstasy.

He cupped her breasts and rolled his thumbs over her nipples as he let his control go and he hammered into her, keeping her braced tightly against the wall. Rennah cried out as she reached the height of her release and raked her nails across his back, urging him on as she cried his name. James followed her over the edge of the abyss, claiming her lips as he came deep inside of her, his body shuddering as the sharp edge of pleasure raced through him.

It was mind blowing; fireworks, marching bands and every other climatic stereotype that James could think of. He felt happiness surge through him as she murmured his name fondly, and when he pulled back to gaze at Rennah, she had the same happy look on her face. She looked even more beautiful, her eyes buzzing with slivers of biotic energy as she looked back at him.

James set her down carefully, waiting until she'd found her feet before he stepped back under the water. To his surprise she followed him and pressed against him, wrapping her arms around him in a hug as she held him close and kissed him hard. He could feel her heart pounding in her chest and he held her close, wishing he could just say what was in his heart.

"James…I…" She started to say something and then stopped, pressing her lips to his ears and whispering something quickly, "Ya lyublyu tebya bol'she chem ya lyublyu zvezdy v nebe."

Her voice was soft and James didn't recognise a single word she said, but he guessed from the tone and accent that it was in Russian and he blinked in surprise, "I thought you didn't speak Russian?"

"I might have exaggerating a little." She admitted quietly as she pulled away, her eyes still shining, "I mean, I can't speak it fluently or anything, but I remember a few things from when I was young."

"And what did that mean?" James rested his hands loosely around her waist, something about the way she was watching him making him want to keep her close to him.

She hesitated a moment and then smiled a little wider and her eyes twinkled, "It's something my mother used to say to me. I'll tell you what it means one day, when the time is right."

James felt his heart squeeze again at the soft way she was watching him, and he kissed her again, pulling her body more firmly against him. He wanted to spend the rest of his life with this woman. Whether that was until the Reapers destroyed them all, or until they grew old together, he wanted to stay by her side. He just had to find the courage to tell her how he felt.

* * *

 **A/N – Thank you to my friend Alexandra for the Russian transliteration! I** _**will** _ **eventually reveal what Shepard said, but it's part of the plot so please don't go and look it up and spoil yourself on something sweet and cute that happens later!**

**I hope you all enjoyed this chapter! I'd love to hear your feedback as I really enjoyed writing it.**


	36. No Regrets

_Disclaimer: I don't own Mass Effect_

**A/N - I'm so sorry that this chapter took so long to get out, but I've been run ragged at work and I'm trying to organise a huge Halloween party so I have almost no free time.**

**A big thank you to the people who are favouriting and following this fic! An even bigger thank you to the people who give me feedback and leave comments - you're all amazing and you always make my week! :) Thank you so much!  
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* * *

Shepard woke up slowly, sleepily turning over in her bed and opening her eyes as she brushed against the warm body beside hers. _James_. Her eyes focused on his slumbering form and she smiled to herself as she realised that her lover was still fast asleep, most likely worn out from their amorous activities the night before. She was careful not to wake him as she yawned and stretched until her joints popped, then relaxed back against the pillows.

She let her eyes trail over his features, memorising every scary and line on his face and registering with surprise how much younger James looked when he was asleep. He'd been through so much in his life, more than the average Alliance marine would ever see or do. His experiences had made him an excellent solider, a determined combatant and a cunning strategist, but it was his good heart that made him stand out, and if she was honest with herself, it was one of the things she loved about him.

And she _did_ love him.

The last thing she wanted to do when there was a war on was fall in love, but after last night there was little she could do to deny it anymore; she was in love with James Vega. She had wanted to tell him last night as he'd made love to her in the shower, but she'd held the words back even though she was sure he'd felt the same.

_Because what if he didn't love her?_

Shepard sighed, irritated by her own insecurity, and reached out a hand to trace the tattoos on James' chest, arm and neck, her fingers gently stroking the beautiful patterns. Normally he was awake before she was, so being able to watch him sleep was a treat. He really was the most gorgeously passionate lover she'd ever had and he made her feel like she was the most desirable woman in the world.

Given how badly she'd treated James when he'd been her guard, she had never expected to wind up falling in love with him. The tender way he'd held her as they'd made love and the look in his eyes had almost brought her to tears last night; she'd had no idea of what a wonderfully sexy guy was lurking beneath his tough guy exterior, but she was glad she'd found out.

Taking a chance on Vega had been the best thing she'd ever done. It wasn't just the sex, although James was fantastic in that department, it was how he made her feel and all the little things he did to support her. He made all the bad things in her life seem a little less screwed up, and all the anger and the hate that lived inside of her seemed to recede when he smiled at her; he made her happy.

It was nice to smile again, but it was also frightening. Whenever things seemed to go wonderful in her life, disaster inevitably followed close on her heels. Maybe it was her imagination, but she had a feeling that something bad was coming. It was like a tickle at the back of her head; a sense of someone sneaking up behind her or of waiting for an axe to fall, and in the past that feeling had always been spot on.

It was hard to keep smiling and keep everyone's spirits up when she felt so worried about what was going to happen next. Every day that Cerberus kept their distance and stayed quiet made her worry a little bit more about what they would try next. Cerberus had dedicated a lot of their funds and time to bringing her back, and they'd been just as dedicated with trying to catch her again.

The very idea of being put into their _Phantom Initiative_ made her skin crawl; she didn't want to be an indoctrinated slave for the Illusive Man, forced to carry out his orders and fight her friends. Her greatest fear was that Cerberus would kill her friends and squad mates to get their hands on her. Each time she went on a mission, Rennah found herself looking over her shoulder in case they appeared.

It didn't feel like a case of _if_ it was more of a case of _when_.

James stirred under her touch and his chocolate coloured eyes opened slowly, a smile curving his lips as he saw her, "Morning, Lola."

He wrapped a muscular arm around her waist, pulling her to him and nuzzling her neck as he held her. Rennah felt her fears about Cerberus fade as he dropped a kiss on her head and ran his fingers lightly through her hair, the look on his face so happy and relaxed that she couldn't help but smile back.

"Morning." She snuggled closer to him and rested her head on his chest, listening to the strong and steady beat of his heart, "Did you sleep okay?"

"Like a log." His arm tightened around her waist and he glanced at her playfully, "I think you wore me out."

Rennah laughed and stretched out to her full length again, relaxing against the pillows as she teased him, "So, James Vega does have his limits!"

"Well, I'm only human." He flashed her a sizzling smile and Rennah moved towards him, irresistibly drawn towards the warm look in his eyes.

Their lips met in a soft kiss that made Shepard's heart beast faster and sent an intense rush of emotion sweeping through her. Last night had been one of the most beautiful nights she'd ever experienced, and even touching James was enough to bring the memories rushing back. She'd never been shy about sex, but some of the things they'd done last night were almost enough to make her blush.

She laced her fingers through his and they lay together in silence for a few minutes, watching the stars through the canopy above her bed. Had last night been as special for James as it had for her? He'd seemed very intense and she wanted to believe he felt just like she did, but he'd never said anything about being in love with her.

Finally she turned to him, hesitating for a beat before she asked her nagging question, "James, have you ever been in love?"

His hand tightened around hers and his voice was oddly quiet as he answered, "Once or twice. You?"

"Once or twice."

James glanced at her and abruptly he flashed her a wolfish smile, his warm brown eyes locking onto hers purposefully, "Okay, so who was the first person to steal Commander Shepard's heart?"

"What?" Rennah flushed red and began to wriggle away from him, abruptly wishing she hadn't broached the topic, "I don't want to tell you! It's embarrassing!"

"Come on, Lola," His smile widened and he kept his grip on her hand, wrapping another anchoring arm around her to halt her retreat, "you tell me yours and I'll tell you mine!"

Shepard made an uncomfortable sound and buried her head in the pillow, half to hide how red she'd gone and half to muffle the name she was about to say, "Anderson."

"What?!" James let go of her hand, and when Rennah peeked up he was staring at her incredulously, "Seriously? Anderson? Like, _Admiral_ Anderson?"

"Yes, that Anderson." She shoved him away from her, self-consciously glaring at James as his grin widened, "He saved me! I was young and I thought I was in love. David put me straight pretty quickly and I worked out it was just a really embarrassing crush." Rennah narrowed her eyes as James began to chuckle, apparently finding the thought of her crushing on Admiral Anderson very amusing, "Shut up and stop laughing! Who was the first person _you_ fell in love with?"

James dodged her playful swipe at him, and he caught her hand again, "Easy Commander." He dropped a kiss on her palm and pulled her back into his arms, "Back when I first joined the Alliance I had thing for this insane biotic marine. She was amazing; beautiful, strong and charismatic. I, uh, fell for her hard but I didn't know it at the time. I only worked out later that I was in love with her."

Shepard ignored the odd flutter that passed through her at the thought of _her_ James falling in love with another woman, "Wow." She tried to sound normal and she pushed the uncomfortable feeling away, "So what happened?"

"Well, it took a while for me to even get a chance to make a move on her. We didn't actually work together, and I got sent to Fehl Prime so there wasn't even a chance of anything happening back then." James stroked a hand through her hair absently, "When I did see her after Fehl, she'd been burnt badly by another guy and I took things slow so she'd know I really cared for her."

_James has been in love with someone so recently?_

"That's sweet." Rennah made herself smile despite the bitter ball of jealousy that had settled in her stomach, "Was she just as in love with you?"

"I don't know..."

"What? You poured your heart out for this woman she didn't even return your feelings?" She felt outraged on his behalf, imaging the kind of cruel, selfish woman he'd obviously got caught up with.

His chuckled at the annoyance in her voice and kissed her palm again, "I think she felt the same way, but...I don't know for sure. I didn't want to push her and scare her away."

"She sounds like she wasn't worth it."

James shook his head, "Oh, she was worth it; she's perfect."

Jealousy flashed through her again and this time she failed to keep it out of her voice, "So why aren't you still with Miss Perfect?"

"Rennah!" James blinked in surprise at her tone, and he cupped her face with his hands as he murmured her name, his eyes searching hers, "You don't get it do you? The woman I'm talking about, the woman I love, is..."

"Commander?" Joker's voice came over the intercom, sounding far too awake given that the sleep cycle wasn't over for another hour.

Shepard put a finger against James' lips as he tried to keep talking and he stifled a groan and flopped back against the pillows looking frustrated. She ignored his pained look and instead cleared her throat and answered, "What's up, Joker?"

"Sorry to interrupt, but the quarian Admirals need to speak to you urgently. Admiral Raan, Xen and Tali are in the war room waiting for you." There was a pause and then Joker laughed, "I suppose I should start calling Tali ' _Admiral Zorah'_ , shouldn't I?"

Rennah ignored his quip and swallowed her displeasure at being called back to work already, "Tell them I'll be there soon."

James sighed in disappointment once Joker signed off, "Duty calls, huh Lola?"

"So it seems." She took his hand, squeezing it tightly as she took a deep breath and looked into his eyes again, "So what happened with this other woman?"

James shook his head wryly and looked up at her, his eyes intense, "Nah, the moment's gone. I'll tell you some other time." He glanced down at their entwined hands and smiled slightly, "You know that you're the only girl I want, don't you?"

"Of course." Shepard smiled and some of the jealousy faded at the honesty in his tone. She kissed him one more time, a gentle press of the lips that quickly escalated into something more intense and it was with great reluctance that she pulled it away. "I have to get ready."

"You go shower, I'll clean up downstairs while you're chatting with the quarians." James stood up, his dog tags jingling on his chest as the sheet slipped off him and his fabulous muscled body was exposed in all its glory.

Shepard felt her mouth run dry and she quickly looked away before temptation could get the better of her, busying herself with finding a BDU to wear and then slipping off to the bathroom. She showered quickly and by the time she was done, James was dressed and she found him annoying the geth head experiment she'd appropriate from Bryson's lab.

He straightened up and flashed her a heart stopping smile when he saw her, "Shall we, Commander?"

"We shall, Lieutenant." She linked her arm in his and they walked over to the elevator together, enjoying the simple pleasure of being together for as long as they could.

* * *

For the second time since joining the Normandy crew, James found himself left behind while Shepard went on a mission, only this time there was a good reason for it. She'd pulled him aside and explained her choice of ground team, and once he'd heard her out, he had to admit that her decision to leave him behind did make sense. Rennah needed people who could hack the geth systems and people who knew their way around terminals and technology, and that was certainly not him.

He could barely use an omni-tool, let alone hack a terminal.

Although he had weapons which he needed to finish upgrading down in the shuttle bay, he'd taken a brief detour to visit Garrus in the medbay and catch up on the latest gossip. The grouchy turian was being released soon, but for now he was still a prisoner of Chakwas', so James was making a point of stopping by and chatting to him as often as he could. From his own experiences he knew how boring it was being stuck in hospital while your friends were still going about their normal life.

"So Shepard's going to try and Rescue Admiral Koris _and_ shut down the geth server controlling these fighter squadrons?" Garrus was sitting up in his bed and he narrowed his eyes as James nodded, "And you're okay with her taking Alenko along instead of you?"

James snorted and shook his head, "Hell no, I hate that I'm not going with her, but she wanted to take the tech-heads, so Alenko, Tali and Legion are with her. I don't like it, but I get it."

Truthfully, he wasn't all that thrilled about being left behind when the woman he loved was going into geth territory, but it wasn't his call to make.

Garrus shook his head as though he thought James was mad, "So I take it that things between you and Shepard are still going strong?"

"Yeah, things have been really good." James felt a grin stretch across his face as he remembered how close he'd come to telling Shepard that she was the woman he'd fallen for all those years ago.

He'd literally come within a heartbeat of admitting his feelings to her, and if Joker hadn't interrupted then with his usual impeccable timing, he would have. Shepard had actually been jealous when he'd started talking about this _other woman_ and he hadn't been able to stand seeing her squirm uncomfortably at the thought of him being in love with someone else.

The turian made a huffing sound and leaned forward, "Come on, Vega, I need details here!"

"Well, she started telling me a little about her past, which seems to be a pretty big deal for her." James shrugged, "Oh, and the Major seems to have backed off after we had that fight..."

"What fight?" Garrus frowned and flared his mandibles in irritation, "Why doesn't anyone tell me _anything_!"

"It was nothing, he was just mouthing off about us and threatening to report us."

The fight hadn't been nothing, but James didn't want to cause waves when Alenko had been reasonably civilised to him lately. It was clear that the Major didn't like him, but as long as he didn't try to come between him and Shepard, or make any more poorly veiled threats, then he would play nice too. Besides, Garrus already hated the guy for hurting Shepard, he didn't need to give him another reason to dislike him.

Vakarian nodded as though unsurprised, "Alenko always seemed like a nice guy, but after Horizon I knew he was a jerk."

"So long as he leaves Shepard alone, I don't care how much of a _pendejo_ he is." Shrugging, James opened a protein bar and munched on mouthful as he watched his friend, "So, what about you? Shepard mentioned something about you and Tali..."

"Well, I, uh..." Garrus looked uncomfortable and his eyes darted around the room as though looking for an escape route, "Tali is…"

"She's pretty hot." He decided to cut his buddy a break and James grinned at him. "I mean, that waist and those hips..."

Although quarians weren't really his thing, he could see why she would have caught Garrus' attention. Tali was spunky and bright, and her vivacious personality matched what appeared to be a terrific body. James wasn't averse to admiring a woman who looked good in what she wore, and Tali wore her enviro-suit damned well.

Garrus settled himself on his pillows more comfortably and managed to look dignified as he nodded, "Okay, I'll admit that she _does_ have a very firm waist."

"She's hot and you know it, Scars!" James tried not to grin as the turian shrugged and then nodded without saying a word, "So are you two…?"

"No, I mean, not yet. Maybe. I don't know." If turians could blush, James was certain that Garrus would have been bright red as he awkwardly struggled to articulate his thoughts, "Turian's don't usually go for inter-species relationships, so I'm not really sure how to make a move on her."

"I hate to break it to you, but you're not exactly the average turian."

Garrus did his version of a smile and laughed softly, "True, and Tali isn't the average quarian."

"You should make a move on her." James liked the idea of Garrus and Tali together. He hadn't known Tali long, but he trusted his instincts when it came to people, and his instincts told him that she and Garrus were peas in a pod. "You could get some dextro wine and take her out to dinner, that sort of thing."

"Yeah, yeah I can do that."

He stood up and nudged Garrus, "Plus, chicks dig scars. Anyway, I'm going to head down to the armoury and get some work done. Catch you later… _Scars_."

"Wait, you're not going to say anything to her are you?"

Vakarian looked grey at the thought and James had to bite back a laugh as he innocently shrugged, "What makes you say that? It's not like you and your big mouth went around gossiping about Shepard and I…oh, _wait_ …"

James chuckled evilly as he walked away, and Chakwas returned his grin as Garrus spluttered desperate threats behind him. He let the doctor deal with her patient as he left the medbay and headed downstairs in the elevator, determined to get some work done and maybe get a quick workout in. Exercising would help him get his thoughts together so he could figure how to tell Shepard that she was the woman he loved.

The elevator doors opened and James walked out, his mind still so full of Rennah that he almost walked into Steve who was walking in front of the elevator.

"Whoa there, Mr Vega!" Cortez laughed as James avoided him just in time, "You look like a man with a mission."

"Who me?" He grinned at his friend, "Nah, I'm just thinking about…"

"Shepard?" Steve guessed, still smiling broadly.

"Yeah, you know me!" James crossed his arms over his chest and considered his friend for a moment; Steve liked to tease him every now and again, but he was a good person and was someone who he respected. "Esteban, how did you tell your husband that you loved him?"

Cortez's eyebrows shot up and he looked at James as though impressed, "You thinking of dropping the L-bomb on Shepard are you?"

He shrugged uncomfortably, "I love her, but I'm not sure when I should tell her or how. I've never done this before…"

"There isn't a right or wrong time, Vega. You just need to go with your instincts and tell her how you feel." Steve looked at him fondly, "I told Robert I loved him as soon as I fell for him, but I'm not you and Robert's not Shepard."

Sighing, James nodded, "I know. I've almost told her a three or four times, but I don't want to rush her or scare her off. Things have been amazing between us lately and I'm sure she feels the same way but…what if I screw things up?"

"I'm not sure you can scare the Commander away that easily." Cortez leaned against the workbench, "Just tell her how you feel."

"What? Just say, _'I love you and I've loved you since the moment I laid eyes on you…'_ "

There was the sound of a sharply indrawn breath behind them and James wheeled around to see one of the Alliance privates who worked maintenance down in the shuttle bay staring at them both with wide eyes. The young man, who was carrying a crate of weapons and had clearly been hidden behind a stack of boxes, was looking from James to Cortez with a disbelieving and embarrassed look on his face.

"Uh, sorry guys. I'll just…" He flushed red and put the crate down quickly, "I'll just leave you two to it. Sorry to have interrupted."

The young man fled into the elevator before James could say anything or ask what the hell he was talking about. He turned back to Cortez in confusion, "What the hell? Did I just miss something?"

Cortez burst out laughing, "He thought you were talking to me!"

"But I _was_ talking to you…." James went red as he realised what Cortez meant, " _You_? He thought I was telling _you_ that I loved you?"

James felt himself go red as he imaged the gossip this would spread around the ship, and he buried his face in his hands with a groan. Cortez was laughing so hard next to him he had tears coming out of his eyes and his shoulders were shaking with laughter.

"My dream come true!" Steve gasped in between bouts of laughter, "James Vega confessing his love to me!"

"Shut up, Esteban!" He shook his head and glared at his friend, who had been reduced to a chuckling mess, "I knew I should have kept my mouth shut!"

James wheeled around and marched over to his weapon's bench, doing his best to ignore Cortez as he periodically burst into laughter as he worked at the weapons bench. The last thing he needed was for Shepard to hear rumour around the ship that he'd been professing his love to _anyone_ , especially after their chat this morning. Of course, knowing Rennah and her warped sense of humour she'd probably find this situation hilarious too.

"I love _you_." He decided to practice saying those three little words as he upgraded his weapon mods and waited for Shepard to return, "I _love_ you! _"_

"Your first attempt when speaking to Lieutenant Cortez was your best attempt." James nearly jumped out of his skin as EDI interrupted him over the intercom at his desk, "Currently, your voice is strained and your attempts to profess your love sounds forced and insincere."

"Gee, thanks EDI." James glared at the intercom box as though she could see him, "You're a real cheer squad."

"If you wish to admit your love to Commander Shepard, I suggest you tell her when you're next alone together. She is most receptive to emotional admissions when she is calm and relaxed," EDI paused and James wondered if she was deliberately stringing her advice out, "She is frequently relaxed around you when you are intimate in her cabin."

James frowned; _was EDI spying on them when they were in Shepard's cabin? Could she see them? Hear them?_ It was unsettling and a little bit creepy to imagine that the whole time they'd thought they were alone together there had been an unseen third party watching over them.

"Uh, you don't watch us do you?" He rolled his shoulders and tried to dispel the creepy tingle that had marched across his skin at the thought of EDI's surveillance.

"No." EDI answered simply and quickly and James breathed a sigh of relief, but the AI continued a moment later, "However, I do monitor all conversations in Shepard's cabin, and the Normandy is outfitted with state of the art monitoring technology so I can track her biometric rhythms anywhere on the Normandy."

"Wait…you _listen_ to us?"

"No, I monitor all conversations." Despite being an AI, EDI sounded amused, "Although I have recorded some of the more amusing _romantic interludes_ between yourself and Commander Shepard…"

"What?!" James voice cracked as he stepped back from the bench in shock, staring at the intercom as though it was about to attack him.

"That was a joke."

"Not funny, EDI." He shook his head, absently wondering if Joker had anything to do with EDI's wickedly cruel sense of humour. His chin jerked up as a thought occurred to him and he stepped closer to the desk again, "Hey, if you hear everything, you must have heard what she said to me in Russian last night? So what did she say?"

James suspected her already knew when EDI was going to say, so it came as no surprise when she shot him down, "I believe Shepard will share the translation of that phrase with you when _she_ is ready."

He snorted in amusement, "Yeah, okay EDI. Thanks for the advice."

"You are welcome Lieutenant." The AI sounded oblivious to his sarcasm as she continued, "On a more personal note, you should tell Shepard how you feel. You are good for her and I'm certain that your love would not scare her away."

" _Gracias_ , EDI." James smiled at EDI's attempt at relationship advice and went back to upgrading the weapons.

Steve and EDI were right though; he needed to tell Rennah how he felt and when she came back he would tell her. Maybe she was in love with him too, and maybe she wasn't, but it wasn't going to the way he felt. Keeping his feelings bottled up and watching everything he said around her was killing him; the time had come to be honest with her and just tell her straight up that he was in love with her.

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**A/N - Maybe I should have warned you that this was a deliciously fluffy chapter, but I hope you all enjoyed it. I just love Jimmy and Lola when they're being all loving! There is a storm on the horizon, but for now things are still calm! Feedback is always loved! :) Thanks for reading!**


	37. Fix Me Now

_Disclaimer: I don't own Mass Effect!_

**A/N - This is the longest I've gone in between chapters. A little over a week might not seem a lot, but it felt like an age for me! I was dying to continue Rennah and James' story, so I'm sorry that it took me so long to update. Work and Halloween were crazy, but I'm back on track now! This chapter was super hard to write but I hope you enjoy it!**

**I do use some game dialogue in this chapter, but I love this mission and it's a scene from ME3 which always gets to me, so I wanted to include some of the more moving lines.**

**As always, a big thank you to the people who follow, favourite and read this fic. An especially big thank you to the wonderful people who left me reviews - you guys make my day with your lovely comments.  
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James hoisted his assault rifle in his arms and took in the beautiful vista around him, doing his best to ignore the deceased Reaper spoiling the view. Rannoch stretched around him in a million shades of red, brown and pink; beautiful sandstone formations stretching up to impressive heights in the sky like giant clawed fingers. The planet's dusky pink-tinted sky seemed to stretch forever and silvery clouds drifted, wisp-like, in the gentle breeze.

Rannoch reminded him of the deserts back home on Earth, especially of the arid country around Arizona. Nostalgia, sharp and strong, washed over him and James felt homesick like never before. He'd spent a lot of his life off-Earth and on other planets, but he'd always gone home when the chance had arisen, and now there might not be an Earth to go back to. They'd left the Earth to burn and he couldn't help but wonder what, if anything, would be left when they returned.

Swallowing the wave of wistfulness, James ignored Legion who was standing next to him and turned to face Tali and Shepard. They were standing together and speaking quietly, their voices low over the comms as though they didn't want to break the peaceful silence on the planet. Even from this distance he could see that the quarian was moved to be standing on her home soil, and he could understand why; she'd spent her life waiting to come home.

James switched his attention to Rennah, studying the way her armour fit her like a graceful second skin and memorising the sight of her standing in front of Rannoch's setting sun. She was beautiful and dangerous, and a big part of him still couldn't believe that he had been lucky enough to win her heart. She was the poster girl for the Alliance and humantity, and he was just a regular marine.

Shifting the weight of his rifle in his hands, James turned his attention back to the Rannoch landscape and continued scanning for enemy geth. He'd intended to tell Shepard how he felt about her after she rescued Admiral Koris the day before, but the situation to say those three little words never presented itself. Her mission had been a success, James knew that much, but he gathered from Tali and Kaidan's comments that Shepard had again put herself in harm's way. _Again_.

She had been able to rescue Koris and disable the geth servers without much trouble, but it was obvious that Shepard's casual comment about _entering the geth consensus_ had been far more intense than she'd let on. Kaidan hadn't told him much, no surprise there, but Tali was more forthcoming with the details and she filled James in on what had really happened when Shepard joined her mind with the geth.

The thought of Rennah joining her mind with geth, geth who were being controlled by a reaper signal no less, sent chills down his spine. Anything might have happened to her, esepcially given how much of her body was already synthetic. He'd immediately gone to find her, detarmined to get more information, but Shepard been pensive and distracted and she'd vanished into the war room with Legion and the quarians before James could really talk to her.

He knew better than to push her when she was distracted, so he'd let her go and had pieced together what had happened from Tali's report and from gossip that Joker had dished out over dinner that night. Shepard, it seemed, had entered the geth consensus and had been able to see fragments of the geth history. It had been an unbiased version of history that was surprisingly different to the quarian's stories; the geth had not rebelled and driven the quarians off Rannoch, instead they had defended themselves and had chased the them away instead of destroying them.

James knew that Shepard pitied the geth; she empathised with them and she seemed to understand why they had risen up and fought back when their creators turned against them. Maybe Rennah saw a little of herself in them, James wasn't sure, but she clearly felt sorry for them and she'd taken a stand with the Admiralty; she would not exterminate the geth.

She'd made it very clear that she wasn't going to bend on this point, and that it was her way or the high way. James would have preferred if she'd been a little more diplomatic with people who controlled the biggest fleet in the galaxy, but it wasn't his show and Shepard could be as brusque and rude as she liked. Besides which, after the fights they'd been through today, and seeing Shepard face down a Reaper with the targeting laser, he knew only a crazy man would argue with her.

He glanced at it again; the Reaper lay in an untidy tangle of limbs and crumpled metal, occasionally crackling with red energy. The Normandy and quarian fleets had made mincemeat of it, and though it had spoken briefly to Shepard before it had succumbed to its injuries, it clearly wasn't getting up again. Something about the Reaper made James' teeth ache and he gave it a wary stare as Tali and Shepard approached him.

Whenever he was around Reaper tech or the Reapers themselves, James could feel _something._ It was like an unpleasant crawling sensation on his skin, accompanied by a faint ache in his teeth and a pressure in his head. Idly, he wondered if the sensation had something to do with the Reaper's aura of indoctrination, but he chased the thoughts away as Rennah came to a stop beside him, claiming his attention.

"Not bad for a day's work, huh?" Shepard nudged him and nodded towards the Reaper, her voice sounding slightly muffled through the earpiece in his helmet.

James smiled, "I dunno, Lola. I'm surprised you needed so much help. I would have thought you and a shotgun would have been sufficient to kill a Reaper." Her laugh echoed in his ears and he smirked. "It _is_ dead, right?"

"I can confirm that the old machine has ceased to function." Legion stepped up and James instantly took a step back, still unable to come to terms with a friendly geth. "The geth are no longer being controlled by the reapers. We are free."

He could feel Shepard watching him and he wished fervently that he was able to accept the geth as easily as she could. Despite everything that Legion had done for them, James had a a hard time looking at him and not seeing the photos of alliance soldiers impaled on geth spikes. Trusting him wasn't like trusting another alien species; he was a machine and he couldn't bring himself to see it as anything other than what it was.

Before Shepard could answer, Admiral Gerrel's voice crackled over the comm line, riddled with static and barely audible, "You did it Commander! The geth fleet has stopped firing! They're completely helpless!"

James breathed a sigh of relief that was echoed by Tali; they'd done it! The quarians were safe from the geth fleet and they could retreat in safety, without fear of attack.

"Shepard Commander?" Legion stepped forward, sounding oddly human and hesitant. It made James' skin crawl to hear a machine sounding so alive, but he hid his shudder of revulsion as it moved towards Shepard, "The geth only acted in self-defence _after_ the creators attacked. Do we deserve death?"

Shepard tilted her head to the side and was silent for a second as she considered it, "What are you suggesting?"

James blinked in surprise; _was she seriously considering allowing the geth to live?_

"Our upgrades. With the old machine's death we could upload them without sacrificing our independence." Legion used an omni-tool to bring up a small hologram of what looked like neural connections. It meant nothing to James but Rennah leaned forward and drew in a deep breath as she nodded.

"I see..."

"Shepard!" Tali looked from Legion to Rennah and James could almost taste her panic, "You can't be considering this! With those codes they'd be as smart as when the Reaper was controlling them! Legion is our friend but the geth would wipe us out given the chance!"

James was inclined to agree with her, but he said nothing. He didn't have as much experience fighting the geth as Shepard and Tali did, but he wasn't an idiot. The geth had been decimating the quarian fleets when they'd had those upgrades and now Shepard was considering giving them back to them. Given free will there was no telling what they might do to their _creators_ or to the rest of the galaxy.

"Negative, Creator Zorah." Legion shook it's head, it's shiny casing glinting under Rannoch's sun, "With the upgrades the geth would be individuals, free to make their own choices. We would be truly alive and could help you." The geth sounded convincing but Tali looked dubious and shook her head.

"The geth are already attacking us!" She whirled to face Shepard and ignored Legion as it moved closer to her, "Shepard _please_! Don't choose the geth over my people!" The raw emotion in her voice moved James, he could hear years of pain and anguish but Shepard simply watched as Legion gently reached out and touched Tali's arm.

"Do you remember the question that started this attack? ' _Does this unit have a soul?_ '" It sounded sad now and its tone seemed to effect Tali, who's shoulders sagged as she drew in a ragged breath.

She looked at Legion again and nodded, "I remember."

"Tali, the geth deserve the chance to live." Shepard's voice was surprisingly soft and compelling as she spoke.

James had never heard Shepard sound so gently persuasive before. Her general way of dealing with people and emotions was to bulldoze over them and do whatever she thought was best, but it was clear that she cared deeply for both Legion and Tali and that she didn't want harm to come to either of them or their people. He didn't understand why she cared so much for the geth, but whatever she'd learned in the geth consensus had made her ever so slightly less sympathetic to the quarians.

"Commander, that's taking a big chance." James couldn't keep quiet any longer. It felt awkward, questioning his superior, but he was rewarded with a brief nod of appreciation from Tali, who was almost trembling with fear at the thought of what the geth would do to her people.

Rennah looked at him and he could just make out her eyes behind her breather mask as she shook her head, "I'm _not_ taking a chance, Lieutenant. I've been in the geth consensus and I know what was done to them. They deserve the chance to discover if they are more than just robots; to discover if they have souls." She turned to Tali, "Please trust me."

"I do, Shepard." Tali sighed and James saw the fight leave her tiny frame as she nodded and stepped back, giving in to Shepard. "I've always followed your lead."

Rennah nodded and reached out to give Tali's shoulder a reassuring squeeze, "Call off the fleet Tali, and Legion, you upload the code to the geth."

"I'll try. I hope this is worth it." Tali brought out her omni-tool and ordered the fleet to halt their attack on the geth. An order which Admiral Gerrel instantly countered, ordering the fleet to continue their attack. Tali turned back to Shepard, her voice shaking slightly, "Shepard, they won't listen to me!"

"We can't back off now. Don't give up." Shepard spoke forcefully and Tali nodded.

"Forty percent uploaded." Legion was controling a holographic blue ball, which James could only assume was an interface that was allowing him to upload the Reaper code.

Something about this entire situation, about helping a species which was responsible for so many human deaths seemed wrong, and he was struggling not to say something. Every fibre of his being was rejecting the idea of giving the geth free will and risking thw quarians. He understood that not all geth were heretics, but choosing to help a synthetic organism over her own flesh and blood friend seemed cold, even for Shepard, and eventually he knew he had to speak up.

"If you don't stop this, the quarians will die." James ignored the nervous twist in his stomach at questioning her orders and put a hand on Shepard's shoulder, trying to make her see sense.

Rennah looked at him sharply, her eyes glittering with a steely look of determination, "No! No one else is dying today!" She shrugged his hand off and her voice was razor sharp as she opened up her comm-line to transmit on all frequencies. "All ships, this is Commander Shepard. The Reaper is dead and the geth no longer pose a threat to you. Break off your attack and stand down _now_!"

James straightened automatically at the authority in her tone, his soldier instincts kicking in at the force of her personality and the power she projected. It was a voice which couldn't be argued with, a voice which was so completely determined that James knew that no matter what he thought or said, she believed that she was right and wouldn't back down. No matter what the cost, Shepard was determined to walk this path.

"This is Admiral Tali'Zorah, Commander Shepard speaks with my authority!" Tali chimed in, her own voice sounding far stronger and more certain that she had previously.

He'd seen the effect Shepard had on people when she gave one of her inspirational speeches, and it wasn't surprising that the power in her voice touched aliens in the same way that it affected humans. There was something about the way she spoke that made people believe in her. When Shepard spoke you listened, when she gave you an order, you followed it and when she told you that everything was going to be okay, you believed her.

"No! We can win this! Keep firing!" Gerrel sounded desperate and James saw Shepard clench a hand tightly into a fist.

She looked incredible, standing with her legs slightly apart and radiating determination as the setting sun of Rannoch cast it's pinkish rays behind her, "The geth are about to return to full strength! If you keep attacking them, they'll wipe you out." Her voice rose sharply and James felt his breath catch in his chest at the passion in her tone, "Your entire history is you trying to kill the geth, but it doesn't have to be this way! You _forced_ them to rebel! You _forced_ them to defend themselves! You left them no choice but to ally with the Reapers! They don't want to fight you! I've been in their consensus! They think with logic, not with revenge! You can end this!"

"Eighty percent." Legion was still working the interface and Shepard nodded at him, buying him the time he needed.

The tension was at screaming pitch and James knew that if the quarians didn't back off soon it would be too late for them. The geth would return to power and decimate them without any hesitation if they perceived them as a threat. He wanted to do something to help Rennah or help the quarians but this was over his head; it was up to Shepard to stop this now.

"Stop fighting now and there can be peace! All you have to do is pull back, hold fire and this war will be over. You have a choice! You don't have to continue fighting. Please!" Her hands uncurled and there was silence for a moment as Rennah turned to face Rannoch's sun and James heard her draw in a deep breath, "Keelah se'lai."

Silence stretched and then a distorted sigh was heard over the comms as Gerrel spoke up, his voice defeated and tired, "All units, stand down."

"Oh Keelah! Thank goodness!" Tali laughed dizzily in relief and James grinned as she hugged Shepard, "I thought for sure that..."

"Error. Copying code is insufficient." Legion interrupted the moment, his blue interface vanishing as he swung to face them. The atmosphere instantly tensed up again, "Direct personality dissemination required." It seemed to focus on Shepard as it stepped forward, "Shepard-Commander, I must go to them. I'm...sorry."

Silence fell.

"What does that mean?" Rennah strode forward, her voice a strained whisper as she planted herself in front of Legion and looked into its flashlight shaped face, "Why are you sorry?"

"I must go." It repeated itself sadly, "I will not survive the process."

Shepard shook her head and her voice broke, "Legion, no! You can't do this! Not now!"

James felt his heart break just a little bit at the disbelief and desperation in Shepard's tone; she was usually so calm and in control that it was painful to hear her sound so forlorn and frightened. It was strange; she had faced the death of her other friends, the drell and the salarian, without shedding a tear or showing emotion, but for some reason the thought of losing this machine seemed to hurt her far more.

Legion placed it's hands on her shoulders, surprisingly gentle for a machine, "It's the only way, Shepard-Commander."

Tali let out a small sob and she clasped Legion's arm, "Legion, the answer to your question is _yes_ , you have a soul." Tali's voice trembled and she fumbled for Shepard's hand as Legion moved around them to look out over Rannoch's beautiful but lonely landscape.

"I know, Tali. Thank you and Keelah Se'lai." The geth turned to face Shepard and he took her free hand, carefully and holding it in both of his. "Shepard-Commander, you are the first organic to trust the geth in three hundred years. We will not forget that. You are unique."

"There has to be another way!" Her voice cracked and James felt his heart lurch painfully again.

"There is not." Legion let go of her hand and stepped back. "Good bye."

For a moment he stood perfectly still and seemed to look out over his home world, then his body jerked and the lights on his body dimmed as the life seemed to leave him. He fell to his knees and then tumbled forward into the dirt, a faint electrical current pulsing through him and then fading completely as his lights flickered and went out.

Shepard took a shuddering breath and sank to her knees, one small sob escaping before she stifled the sound of what James guessed was crying. He froze, unsure what to do. He wanted to comfort her, but it seemed wrong somehow. Shepard didn't like showing weakness and he knew instinctively that she wouldn't want his sympathy.

"Shepard, are you okay?" Tali went to her and offered Shepard a hand, her voice was choked up with emotion and James could see that her eyes were glimmering through her purple mask.

Shepard said nothing as she accepted Tali's help up, but when she finally spoke, her voice was unsteady and it betrayed how much Legion's death was hurting her, "I'm fine." She glanced back down at Legion, "Everything happened so fast. Legion shouldn't have had to die. No one else should have died."

"I know. If Gerrel hadn't stopped…" Tali swallowed audibly, "Shepard, we've taken heavy losses. Where are we supposed to go…" She broke off as a geth Prime approached them, unarmed and with its palms upraised.

James brought his assault rifle up and moved to stand slightly in front of the others as they ejected thermal clips and readied their weapons. The prime appeared to have no weapons, but he wasn't going to risk their lives on assuming that it meant them no harm. It's feet sent up small puffs of dirt as it plodded towards them and James' shoulders tensed up as it came closer, towering over them oniniously.

The geth appeared unconcerned at their weapons and came to a stop a polite distance away, "Your people are welcome to return to Rannoch, Admiral Tali'Zorah. With us."

"I…well…thank you." Tali stumbled awkwardly for the right words and James felt the tension ooze out of him as it became apparent they were not about to be attacked by the gigantic prime.

"Legion?" The hope in Shepard's voice was heart-breaking and her shoulder's dropped in resignation as it shook it's head.

"No, I'm sorry Commander. Legion sacrificed itself to give us all intelligence. It will be honoured."

She drew in a deep breath and nodded, "Good."

"And we will honour Legion's promise." It tilted it's head as it spoke and it's artificial voice sounded earnest as it continued. "The geth fleet will fight the old machines and help you retake Earth. We will also assist in building the crucible."

James moved closer to Shepard and glanced at her, puzzled as to how it knew about the crucible, "They knew all along?"

Shepard slowly shook her head and looked up at the prime, "Legion is part of them now. They know what he knew." She stepped forward and nodded at the geth, "We accept your offer of assistance, thank you."

"The quarians also owe you a debt, Shepard, and I believe I speak for all of the admirals when I say that we will support you in the fight against the Reapers." Tali was completely dwarfed by the Prime and she craned her neck to look up at it as it stood alongside her. "We will also accept the geth's offer to return to Rannoch."

"Have you considered possible settlement sights?" The prime sounded so polite that James was struggling to associate it with the murderous synthetics that had destroyed so many earth colonies under Saren's leadership.

"I'm not sure, I believe Admiral Raan had some plans, but I will need to talk to the other Admirals." The quarian was clearly floundering without the other admirals to back her up and she drew in a deep breath and brought up her omni-tool to contact them.

Shepard touched her arm lightly, "Will you be okay?"

"Of course. Thank you Shepard." She opened up a communication channel that was exclusive to the quarian admiralty, "I need to contact Raan and the other admirals and they will need to meet with the geth and discuss our resettlement. It's good to be home but I can't stay. I'm coming with you."

Rennah hesitated for a moment and James wondered if she was considering telling Tali to stay with her people, "Are you sure?"

"Yes, the Reapers won't stay on Earth and my place is with you on the Normandy. I'll come home after we kick the Reapers back into black space." There was a smile in the quarians voice was and Shepard managed a small laugh.

"Now that's the kind of talk that will get a certain Turian's attention."

"Shepard!" Tali sounded both pleased and embarrassed as she turned around and began to speak to the other admirals via her omni-tool.

Rennah let out a sigh that hit James like a punch to the stomach and he followed her as she moved back to Legion's body, exuding sadness. She carefully knelt by her friend's body and hesitantly reached out and touched the N7 armour plates that the geth had used to repair itself. She trailed her gloved hand down the rough plates and let out another sigh as she carefully took his sniper rifle and hefted it in her arms as she bowed her head.

"Are you really okay, Lola?" James lightly touched her shoulder.

"No." She didn't move as she looked down at the geth, but her hands tightened on the rifle, "I thought…" Her breath hitched in her throat and there was a pause as she struggled to control herself, "I thought I could do this without losing another person."

James spoke without thinking, "He was only a geth…"

"He wasn't just a geth, James!" She interrupted him, obviously frustrated at his response, "You didn't know Legion like I did. He wasn't like other geth. He was my friend."

"He?"

"Legion called himself 'I' before he died. He was alive." Rennah's head drooped lower and she ran a hand down the sniper rifle as she slowly climbed back to her feet, her skin pale through the visor of her breather helmet.

"I'm sorry." James pulled his hand away from her shoulder and let her have some space as she signalled for Cortez to come in and pick them up. He felt a little guilty for having dismissed Legion's death so quickly, but it _was_ just a geth and try as he might he couldn't understand why it was upsetting her more than the deaths of Thane and Mordin had.

Shepard stayed silent for the entire trip back to the Normandy and sat slumped in her seat with her head in her hands. She didn't remove her breather mask and after a few minutes of silence she shut off her comm channel, though James could tell from the small movements of her shoulders that she was probably crying again.

He felt helpless and completely unsure of what to do to help her; if it had been another guy he would have left them to grieve in silence, but he wanted to comfort Shepard and let her know he was there for her. Only it wasn't that easy. She hated showing weakness and crying was the ultimate sign of vulnerability for her. James settled for sitting next to her, and though she didn't acknowledge him, she didn't move away.

Back on the Normandy they removed their armour in silence and James had to fight to do nothing when he saw how red and puffy her eyes were. She kept her gaze on the ground as she made her way up to report to Admiral Hackett; obviously embarrassed about having cried. He gave her some space again as she went in to make her report, and waited for her near the elevator.

When she reappeared she had more colour in her cheeks but the empty look in her eyes made James' stomach clench with worry. He'd never seen her look so melancholy and hopeless. She didn't speak as she came towards him and took his hand, but James didn't need her to say anything as he followed her into the elevator.

The silence was heavy and when he heard her start to cry as they walked into her cabin James couldn't take it any longer and he pulled her into his arms. He expected her to pull away and fight to keep the distance between them, but instead she burrowed against his chest like a small child, her tears escalating into sobs as she let everything out while he held her. The last time she'd cried like this had been after Omega when she'd felt responsible for the deaths of all those civilians.

_Was the death of Legion really weighing so heavily on her?_

"It's okay, Lola." He smoothed his hands through her long silky hair and down her back, holding her close as she cried.

"It's not okay." Her voice was muffled against his chest, "All my life I've been losing people; my parents, my team on Akuze, Ashleigh, Mordin, Thane and now Legion." Her arms tightened around him, "I hate it! I'm sick of losing the people I care about. Legion was like a child; he was only just working out who he was and he had that taken away from him because…"

"Because he made a choice." James rested his chin on top of her head, "It was his choice to sacrifice himself for his people. Are you telling me that if you could free your people with your death, you'd hesitate?"

As soon as James spoke he felt a strange sense of foreboding, as though his words were a prediction. He tightened his arms around Rennah and swallowed hard as he tried to push down the sickening feeling that was spreading through him. Shepard was fine, and she sure as hell wasn't going to have to face a choice like that in this kind of war. It was stupid to even worry about it!

"You're right, I know, but he was my friend and I…I liked him." Shepard pressed her face to his chest and he felt her tears seep through his shirt, "I don't want to lose anyone else in this stupid war but I know I'm going to and I hate it! I fucking hate the reapers and what they've done to our world."

Protectiveness spread through him, chasing the ominous feeling away and James kissed the top of her head, "You'll stop them, Lola. If anyone can do it you can."

_Tell her! Tell her that you love her!  
_

"I _will_ stop them." She agreed fiercely and nodded, "I can't afford to let them win, but I'm worried about who I'll lose in the meantime. I always seem to lose the people I love the most."

_Was he one of those people?_

It was selfish, but he needed to know if she felt the same way about him that he did about her and he made himself speak up, "Lola, remember how I told you about the woman that I loved?" He felt her go still in his arms and nod slowly.

"I remember." She didn't sound happy.

"I didn't get to finish telling you what happened and I want you to hear me out."

She pulled back, her eyes still red as she looked up at him with a frosty expression, "I don't need to know about _that_ woman."

Shepard sounded so jealous that James felt himself start to smile, "Yes you do. I tried to tell you yesterday but Joker interrupted." She narrowed her eyes but the cold look she was giving him started to thaw when she saw his smile, "I fell in love with this woman when I was posted as her guard on Earth. She was a crazy woman, almost impossible to keep safe and she drove me up the wall…but I fell in love with her anyway."

Her eyes widened and she took a step back from him, "James, are you…?"

"The woman I fell in love with is _you_ , Lola." He tried to smile but he felt a horrible kind of fear settle in his stomach as she stared at him in shock, as though he was a stranger, "I know we haven't known each other for that long, but I'm in love with you."

"You...what?" Her violet eyes stared intensely into his, "Say that again!"

"I said, _I love you_."

James couldn't tell what she was thinking, but his heart hammered hard in his chest as she stared at him speechlessly. Suddenly the look of shock was gone from her face and she closed the distance between them and threw herself into his arms. A dizzying wave of relief washed over James as he heard her laugh and suddenly she was kissing him and he felt like the world was back to normal again.

"I thought you were in love with some other woman, you jackass!" She muttered accusingly in between kisses, pausing long enough to swat him on the arm before she flashed him a dazzling smile, the sadness gone from her eyes, "You're such an asshole, James Vega!"

"I would have told you yesterday, only Joker interrupted." James explained, a wide grin stretching over his face as he saw how happy she was.

_He hadn't scared her away!_

She kissed him, her lips warm as she moved her them from his mouth to his ear, "I love you too, you know."

"What?" He unintentionally echoed her shocked response from earlier, "Since when?"

"Ya lyublyu tebya bol'she chem ya lyublyu zvezdy v nebe." She whispered the Russian phrase she'd said two nights before, her voice was soft and melodic as she watched him, "It means, _I love you more than I love the stars in the sky_."

James chuckled in surprise and ran his hands through her hair, "I can't believe you told me you loved me in _Russian_. That's cheating!"

Shepard smiled and took his hand, pulling him to the couch and flashing a grin worthy of the Cheshire Cat, "You're the one who's been in love with me for god knows how long and never said a thing."

"Yeah," He laughed nervously, "I guess I understand why you were so wary of telling me how you felt." James sank down next to her on the couch and pulled her into his arms, her back fitting snugly against his chest, "I didn't realise I was in love with you until that night in the observation lounge with Jack and Cortez, but I fell for you back on Earth."

"That long?" Her voice was soft and James sighed as her fingers trailed lightly over his forearm, "I wasn't even very nice to you..."

He laughed quietly, "You were charming! Besides, I really was a big fan of yours. I even have a photo of you fighting during the Skyllian Blitz which I was going to get you to sign, but I never had the nerve to ask."

"Chicken." Rennah tilted her head back to glance at him, her eyes shining happily.

"Says the woman who told me she loved me in _Russian_." She smiled at his quip, but there was still something sad in her eyes and James wrapped his arms around her tighter and held her. "I'm here for you, Lola. No matter what happens or what you need, you can always count on me."

"I know." She turned over in his arms so she was facing him and her lips curved into a smile, "I love you."

Hearing those three little words made him happier than he could ever remember being, and he leaned forward to kiss her, "I love you too, Lola."

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**A/N - Finally! I thought those two were never going to spit it out! Well, I'm sure it will be smooth sailing from here! Yessir, smooooth sailing!**

***Bats her eyes innocently***


	38. Ghosts

_Disclaimer: I don't own Mass Effect_

**A/N - A big thank you to the people who read, followed and reviewed the last chapter - you know I appreciate it and really enjoying chatting with you! This chapter took a couple of rewrites to get right, so I hope you enjoy it!**

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"Breakfast, Lola?" James turned around and glanced at her from the kitchen, looking absurdly domesticated as he wielded a frying pan and a spatula.

"Yes, please." Shepard grinned as she moved the data pad she had been reading out of the way and James placed a plate of food in front of her.

It looked like fried eggs and other unidentifiable accompaniments, and she poked at it dubiously with her fork as she waited for James to join her. A moment later he brought her a cup of mint tea and sat down, chuckling when he saw her wary expression. He briefly pressed one long hard muscle packed thigh against hers and then turned his attention to the food in front of him.

"It _looks_ good," She admitted as she stared at the delicious smelling food and tried to guess what it was. "But what exactly is it?"

"Improvised _huevos rancheros_." He grinned at her and picked up a fork, "It's not exactly what my _abuela_ would have cooked, but I did what I could with what I had."

Shepard tasted a mouthful and nodded appreciatively at the flavour, "Wow. It beats the hell out of ration packs and powdered scrambled eggs. Thanks James."

"You're welcome, _mi amor_." Their eyes met and Shepard grinned at him helplessly as she was filled with a decidedly inappropriate rush of heat.

They had spent the previous night in each other's arms, making love until they sated the burning need they had for each other. Then they had lain awake until well into the night, reminiscing over the first time they met, their first kiss and all the reasons they had fallen in love with each other. They'd laughed and kissed and enjoyed each other's company until they'd finally fallen asleep in each other's arms.

Shepard couldn't remember a time when she'd felt so ridiculously loved by someone; being with James made her tingle with happiness from head to toe. Just for last night, she'd let herself forget that there was a war on and that the lives of billions were riding on her shoulders. She'd let herself enjoy the pleasure of being with him and had revelled in the knowledge that James loved her as much as she loved him.

"Hey! Breakfast!" Joker shattered the peace of the morning as came into the mess with EDI in tow, his cap hiding what looked like unruly and unbrushed hair. He helped himself to some of James's leftover cooking and came to sit down with them. "Vega, you shouldn't have!"

Shepard frowned at him, "How do you know I didn't cook?"

Joker laughed as though she'd said something hysterical, almost dropping his fork as he doubled up in mirth, "Oh, come on Commander! Everyone knows you cook as well as you dance!"

"I happen to dance very well, Joker." She glared at him and speared some egg on her fork, "I managed to get Morinth's attention, didn't I?"

"Yeah, you managed to flail around on the dance floor long enough to get the attention of a murderous soul-sucking vampire asari." He grinned at her and then straightened his face in mock concern, "You know Commander, the first step to getting better is admitting you have a problem."

James grinned at their banter and nudged her with his elbow, "I've never seen you dance, Lola. Are you really that bad?"

"No." She glared at Joker as he stifled a laugh, "I dance _fine_. These guys just like to give me a hard time because of a single incident when I _may_ have overindulged in some alcoholic beverages and decided to pull out some dance moves that were a little... _advanced_."

"I hate to break it to you Commander, but flailing about on the floor and claiming you're doing _the worm_ doesn't count as an advanced dance move." Joker laughed again and tucked into his breakfast, ignoring the dirty look she threw his way.

She ate the rest of her breakfast in relative silence as James and Joker delved into an in-depth discussion of poker, the two of them deciding that the Normandy needed a regular poker evening to break up the monotony of their nights. She was tempted to warn them that Kaidan was actually quite a good poker player, but decided to let them find that out for themselves. James could probably do with being brought down a peg or two and Joker deserved everything he reaped.

"Okay, I'm off to talk to Traynor." Shepard briefly disrupted their friendly chat as she stood up and collected their plates to take to the mes, "James, don't forget we have a briefing in fifteen minutes." She smirked at him as he winked at her on the way out, enjoying how easily they communicated with a simple look.

Traynor was at her usual post, scanning through signals and coding with a speed which made Rennah's head spin as she approached. Tech was like a foreign language as far as her brain was concerned. It was one thing to do a bypass on a door or hack a locked terminal, but anything more than that and she may as well have been reading Chinese.

"Morning Commander." Traynor chirped as she minimised the signals and turned to watch Shepard approach, "Thanks for seeing me."

"No problem." Shepard smiled as she leaned against the CIC console and scanned through her messages, briefly registering that she had messages from Jack and Miranda asking to catch up with her when she was next on the Citadel. "What's up?"

Traynor cleared her throat, "We received a priority message last night from the asari councillor…"

"Tevos?" She narrowed her eyes, "What did she want? The last I heard the asari wanted nothing to do with helping us."

"Well, now she wants you to come to the Citadel and speak to her at your earliest possible convenience."

"Does she now?" Shepard snorted in amusement, "Okay, tell Joker to set a course for the Citadel once we've finished out current mission."

Traynor nodded, "Yes, ma'am."

"Thanks, and good work." Shepard nodded at her as she passed by and went into the war room.

Kaidan was the only one waiting in the conference room, leaning casually against the central table with his arms folded. His honey coloured eyes followed her as she came into the room and he flashed her a charming Kaidan Alenko smile which she managed to return. There had been a time when that smile would have made her melt and swoon, but now it was just a smile.

"So, what's on the schedule today?" He continued to watch her as she joined him at the table, "Anything exciting?"

"A trip down memory lane, actually." Shepard passed him the data pad that had their latest orders from Hackett, "We've been ordered to Eden Prime."

Kaidan scanned it quickly and then passed it back, one hand rubbing against his chin as he watched her thoughtfully, "Back to where it all began."

The others came drifting in before she could answer, and eventually Liara, James, Cortez, EDI, Tali and a newly released Garrus were all gathered. Garrus was still on technically on the sick list and wouldn't be fit for active duty for some time yet, but Chakwas had checked him out for shipboard duties. No doubt he was itching to shoot something again, but until he was completely healed he could calibrate his beloved thanix cannons and look after the Normandy's other weapon systems.

"Hackett has ordered us to Eden Prime." Shepard brought up a hologram of the planet as she spoke and highlighted the facility they'd be infiltrating, "Cerberus has seized the colony and are currently trying to quell the local resistance. They appear to have attacked in order to get their hands on a prothean artefact which has them very excited. We're to go in, secure the facility and get the artefact. If we can help the rebels, then that's icing on the cake."

"Cerberus." James clenched his jaw, "It must be one hell of a prothean artefact if it got their attention. Do we know what it is?"

"No." She shook her head, "But if Cerberus wants it, it's probably something that we need."

Liara caught her eye, "Shepard, as a prothean expert I'd like to volunteer to come along on this mission."

"I thought you might." Rennah smiled at her old friend, "Liara, James and Kaidan are coming groundside with me, Cortez you're our flyboy."

The meeting broke up and the ground team headed down to the shuttle bay to gear up. Shepard felt a little sad as she put her armour on and allowed herself to remember the first trip to Eden Prime; losing Jenkins and saving Kaidan. It all felt so long ago, but it had been the start of a journey which she was still traveling on. So much had changed over the years, but somehow she felt like this was exactly where she was meant to be.

Although Shepard was expecting trouble, the flight down went without incident and Cortez dropped them off a safe distance from the facility. There was no sign of Cerberus as they approached, with the exception of some weapon crates and stored turrets that bore their logo. More than once she caught Kaidan looking at her as they poked around, and she knew that he was probably thinking of the last time they'd been on Eden Prime, when she'd saved his life and they'd started to fall in love.

It felt like a whole other life.

"Shepard! There it is!" Liara ran towards a huge prothean artefact without even pausing to check for danger, and Shepard cursed as she hurried to keep up with her.

Kaidan and James swung out on either side without being asked, covering them as they approached the artefact. Liara scanned it with her omni-tool and then took a step back, her eyes widening in surprise and awe at whatever she discovered.

"What is it? It doesn't look like a beacon." Shepard nudged it with her boot and Liara let out a small gasp.

"Don't kick it Shepard, it's a Prothean! A real live prothean!" She ran a hand along the top of the artefact and continued scanning, "It's in stasis like the ones we found back in Ilos, but this one is still alive!"

James and Kaidan drifted closer, both of them casting curious glances at the stasis pod as they continued to keep an eye out for Cerberus. Shepard glanced around, the skies were still clear and there was still no sign of any troopers heading their way. If Cerberus knew they were here, they were keeping a low profile. Shepard felt the hair on the back of her neck prickle with foreboding and she glanced around nervously.

_Something was wrong._

"Are we gonna crack this sucker open?" James asked as Liara's hand hesitated over what looked like a control pad, and she scanned it again, frowning at whatever she saw.

"No, it's been damaged. No doubt Cerberus were clumsy when they extracted it from the ground." The asari closed her omni-tool with a contemptuous sniff and turned to face the others, "The prothean's life signs are unstable. To get him out safely we need to find a command signal to end the stasis and work out how to safely open the pod without causing further harm." Liara opened her omni-tool back up and ran a search, "Cerberus has been researching their findings in several labs close by, I suggest we look there for a way to open the pod."

"First things first, Liara. We have company." Kaidan pointed to a shuttle bearing the Cerberus logo that was skimming in low and fast over the landscape.

It hovered over a nearby building and several Cerberus troops jumped out, all in full armour. Shepard took hold of Liara and dragged her away from the stasis pod, pushing her down behind some crates while James and Kaidan again took up flanking positions behind crates either side of them. Carefully, Shepard peered around the corner of the crates and let out her breath as she saw the troops.

They were clustered together near the base of the building and Shepard felt her blood boil as one of them pulled out a long sniper rifle and gestured in their direction. So, they were planning to take them out at a distance were they? Rennah ground her teeth together and felt her biotics flare as her anger welled up. Before she could second guess herself she felt her biotic power surge and she charged towards them.

Her biotics roared through her body, tingled along her skin and her vision exploded with blue as the world seemed to tilt and stretch in front of her. She threw herself forward in a display of biotic power that never failed to exhilarate her. The Cerberus troops didn't even have time to look up as she hurtled towards them on a wave of power, slamming into them with enough force to knock them all off their feet and shatter armour and bones alike.

Distantly she could hear Kaidan and James running to keep up with her, but she focused on the troops who were groaning and trying to orientate themselves. Gathering up her biotic power she sent one troop slamming into the ground with the flick of her wrist. He hit hard enough to crumple his armour like a soda can and twitched briefly before he went still.

Shepard turned to the remaining troops and growled in anger as one of them tried to aim a gun at her. She focused her energy into her hand and slammed her fist onto the ground, sending a blinding nova exploding out in all directions. The remaining troops screamed as they were flung into the nearby building, hitting the wall with sharp solid cracks. Satisfaction streaked through her and Rennah straightened, letting the glowing biotics fade away as she checked to make sure they were all dead.

"Jesus, Shepard!" Kaidan came skidding to a stop beside her and shook his head at the sight of all of the carnage she'd wreaked, "No wonder you're wearing yourself out if you're using those kind of attacks."

James walked over more slowly with Liara, obviously having stopped running when he realised she had things under control. He pointed at the row of buildings, "Which way to the labs, doc?"

"I'm not sure. I suggest we work out way through the buildings one by one." Liara set off towards the nearest door and Shepard followed with the two men bringing up the rear.

It soon became apparent that Cerberus had been trying to lay some sort of trap for them. Their soldiers were set up strategically throughout the Eden Prime dig site, and Shepard was thankful that she'd brought both Kaidan and James along with her. She wasn't sure if they were trying to capture or kill them, but they'd brought enough turrets, engineers and shock troopers to take down a small army.

Luckily, she Kaidan and James were the equivalent to a small army and they were able to slowly but surely fight their way through them. Liara, for all her biotic power, was next to useless in a firefight and more than once they had to rescue her when she didn't take cover in time. By the time they'd reached the first lab they had gone through half their medigel on wounds that Liara had either taken or they'd taken trying to help her.

"I'm so sorry, Shepard!" Liara repeated as she opened yet another pouch of medigel and applied it to a deep cut on her blue face.

"It's fine." Rennah said tightly as she tried not to feel angry and annoyed, after all when Liara was staying behind cover and using her biotics she was fantastic; able to catch multiple troopers in singularities at the same time.

She walked up to the console where Kaidan was busy hacking into the system, jumping slightly as the screen flashed to life and streams of sound and broken distorted images flickered in front of her eyes. She felt herself waver unsteadily on her feet as something in the back of her head clicked and the picture cleared. Distantly she heard James say her name, but it all felt very far away as she watched the prothean's making their final stand against the Reapers.

When the pictures faded away she snapped back to herself and took a deep breath as she pushed away from the console, "Well, at least now we know how to turn off the command signal that's keeping the prothean in stasis." She wiped her hands over her eyes and turned to face the others, blinking suspiciously when she saw they were staring at her, "What?"

"You understood that, Lola?" James stepped forward and touched her cheek lightly, "The rest of us just got static and white noise, but your eyes went all purple and glowy."

Shepard frowned, "I saw the protheans on the console screen as clear as if I was watching a vid. They were trying to put themselves into stasis but something went wrong." She glanced away from James and into the faces of Kaidan and Liara, "You really didn't see that?"

"It must be the cypher you have." Liara nodded reassuringly, "It allows you to understand their messages."

"I guess." Shepard felt a pressure at the back of her head and she absently rubbed her tight muscles as a headache started. "Let's move on and see if we can find something that can tell us how to open it up."

Shepard led the way out and they continued their way through the compound, clearing the buildings one by one. Before long they ran across another group of Cerberus troops, and they were forced to deal with them before they could move on. The sheer number of men they were facing was brutal and Shepard realised with surprise that the only reason they hadn't been seriously injured was because Cerberus was trying to take them alive.

She muttered angrily as Liara walked into her line of fire and Shepard paused to grab her arm and swung her back into cover,"Liara, keep down!"

Liara flashed her an apologetic look and crouched low, "Sorry!"

Shepard used her hand gun to hold two shock troopers at bay as her biotics cooled down, while Liara caught a sniper in a singularity; the man howled in fear as he was pulled from his feet and lifted high into the air, thrashing uselessly. The troopers that were closing on Shepard glanced up as they heard their comrade scream and Shepard used the distraction to knock both of them off their feet with a weak shockwave.

She looked around in time to see Kaidan throw a cryo blast at an engineer who was trying to repair a turret, and a moment later James blasted the same man with a Carnage. For a brief moment the engineer appeared to be frozen solid, then he began to glow and with a cracking sound like snapping bones, he exploded in an icy blast. The frosty detonation exploded outwards in a blue flash of ice and fire, destroying the turret which in turn exploded and sent the shock troopers Shepard had bowled over careering into the wall of a building where they slumped and lay still.

The sniper Liara had been holding appeared to have been snap frozen and Shepard watched, fascinated, as his body plummeted from the air and smashed into pieces on the ground. Finally, silence fell and Shepard came out from the doorway, raising her eyebrows as she took in the sparkling icy wonderland of horror that the men had created with the dual attack. If it hadn't been for the scattered smashed body parts and the dead Cerberus troopers, it would have looked quite pretty with all of the ice and frost glittering in the light.

" _Ice_ to meet you." James quipped as he stood up from cover with a huge grin on his face, brushing icy chunks of Cerberus solider off his armour.

Kaidan laughed softly and looked out over the scene of destruction, "That's _cold_ , Vega."

Shepard rolled her eyes as both of the men began laughing, clearly pleased with themselves, "Hilarious guys, let's keep moving."

" _Chill_ out, Commander." James managed to keep a straight face for all of two seconds before he began chuckling again, ignoring the exasperated sound she made.

"Careful or she'll give you the _cold_ shoulder." Kaidan grinned playfully as she walked past.

Shepard ignored two men as they swept the area for survivors and explored the blast radius to assess the damage, the two of them absurdly excited as they talked about other ways they could utilise their newfound ability to wreak icy chaos. _At least they're getting on with each other,_ she thought as Liara followed her across the courtyard. They found a second lab that was almost identical to the first, only with far more damage; almost as though Cerberus had tried to sabotage and destroy their findings.

Liara hacked the terminal while Shepard rubbed the base of her neck again, an uncomfortable pressure growing inside her head as the screen burst to life and more static flashed across it. As with the last message, she could feel a switch inside her head flick and the fuzzy grey screen cleared into a moving image. This time it wasn't like watching a vid, it was as though she was pulled into the memory, the scene so vivid she could smell the acrid smoke and could hear the distant screams of the dying.

Helplessly, she watched as the protheans were betrayed by indoctrinated members of their own species and the facility fell. As the final prothean was sealed inside the stasis pod she could feel his anger and rage like a scream inside of her head; burning and hating the reapers with every fibre of his being…

"Shepard? Come on, speak to me!"

Shepard snapped back to reality with disorientating speed; Liara had her arms around her and was trying to help steady her. After seeing the prothean trapped in the stasis pod it was too confining, and Rennah pushed out of her hold and staggered away as pain exploded inside of her head.

"I'm fine." She managed to say as she leaned against the console and drew in a steadying breath, the room swimming around her. When it steadied she looked up and saw that there was another door, half hidden by boxes, at the back of the room. She turned to face Liara, "Get the others. I want to check this room…"

Gunfire and a loud explosion interrupted her, and Shepard clung tightly to the console as the room vibrated and shuddered from the blast. Muttering under her breath, she wheeled around and unsteadily moved to the main door; Cerberus was back in force and at least two shuttles were circling the courtyard to drop off more troops.

"I've got this, Commander." James was in cover directly ahead and he glanced back at her as he spoke, "Finish up in there. The Major and I will handle these guys."

"I'll help." Liara declared as she clumsily rolled into cover next to James and drew her shuriken.

Shepard nodded her thanks and, ignoring the pain in her head, readied her shotgun as she quietly moved through the lab and into the dark corridor. It led to what appeared to be a small storage room and she froze as she heard a muffled voice and the sound of someone in armour moving around inside of it. _Cerberus!_ She crept closer, silently making her way forward as she kept her eyes on the open doorway and watched for signs of movement.

A shadow crossed in front of the door and Shepard instinctively charged forward, slamming into the trooper in a blue flare of biotics. The Cerberus solider screamed as he was flung solidly into a wall and slumped to the floor, coughing and spluttering wetly. Shepard viciously kicked his gun out of his hands and moved closer, bringing up her shotgun to end the miserable trooper's sorry excuse for a life.

_Had the coward been hiding back here?_

"Wait." The man's voice was thick and wet, as though he was speaking through a mouthful of blood. "I have…a message…for you."

She froze, her lip curling in contempt as the man weakly struggled into a sitting position, "From who? The illusive man? Because I don't want to hear anything _he_ has to say…"

"No." The solider clawed at his helmet and managed to pull it off, "I have a message from someone else, _Rennah_."

The use of her first name caused her to straighten in surprise and she took a step back in horror as she caught site of the face that had been revealed. Like the other Cerberus troopers he was showing signs of indoctrination; his eyes glowed faintly blue, his lips were black and cracked and his skin was grey with bulging blackened veins, but that wasn't what scared her.

What scared her was that she knew him.

"I _know_ you." Shepard tightened her grip on her shotgun and brought it up, aiming it at his distorted face. "But you can't be here..."

He laughed, black blood oozing from his mouth and dribbling down his chin, "I'm supposed to be here. They wanted me to watch you, study you, to see if you have any weaknesses…"

"Shut up!" She snarled, her finger tightening on the trigger, "What's the goddamned message?"

"Cain Masanari sends his regards. He'll be seeing you _real_ soon..." The man laughed again, his eyes glowing a deeper blue as more thick globs of blood slid from his mouth.

He started to raise his gun and Shepard didn't hesitate as she fired point blank into his face, shielding her eyes as his skull exploded from the close range shotgun blast. Black gore and slimy chunks of stinking meat splattered over her, and she backed out of the room as quickly as she could, still clutching the gun tightly as his laugh echoed in her ears.

The sound of gunfire was still thundering from outside and Rennah forced herself to keep moving, pulling up at the door to take cover. She focused on the fight, using her biotic slam to take out a shock trooper who was edging closer and closer to Liara. Most of the Cerberus troopers were dead, and Kaidan and James were mopping out the few injured soldiers who were trying to retreat. Shepard felt a roll of nausea pass over her and she moved outside once the coast was clear, taking slow and steady breaths of fresh air.

_It couldn't be him._

_They couldn't be here._

"Shepard?" Kaidan signalled for her attention, "Did you get it?"

_Normal. Be normal._

"Yeah, let's head back before they land more troops." Her voice sounded tinny and distant and Shepard struggled to fight back more waves of nausea as the pain in her neck and skull swelled.

She stumbled a little bit as she made her way down the steps and joined the others, but if they noticed they said nothing. The pain in her head and neck, a side effect from viewing the prothean data, was almost at migraine level, and Shepard made herself to stay focused on her surroundings. Worse than the pain was the fear, which was flowing so thick and fast through her that Shepard wondered if she would choke on it.

It had been fifteen years since she had left the Reds and testified against Cain Masanari, but she'd never forgotten how he'd stared at her hatefully as he'd been sentenced and they'd led him away, nor had she forgotten the threat he'd shouted at her. She couldn't remember the name of the man who she'd shot in the room, but she could remember his face; he'd been one of the men who'd tried to drag her back to Cain when she'd run away.

_But why would he be working for Cerberus?_

"Lola?" James gently curled one hand about her arm and looked into her face with concern, "Are you alright? No offense, but you don't look great."

Shepard shook her head slightly to dispel her thoughts and looked up at him "I don't feel good. When I get flashes of prothean data it's like being hit with a sledgehammer." She rubbed her eyes, "But, it's not that; one of the Cerberus troopers spoke to me."

"And?" James looked worried as she closed her eyes and massaged the back of her back, "What did he say?"

She hesitated for a moment and then sighed, "He said that Cain Masanari sends his regards." Rennah pressed the palm of one gloved hand to her forehead and drew in a deep breath, "He said that he would be seeing me soon."

"Cain Masanari!" Liara's voice interrupted and Shepard looked up, realising too late that both Kaidan and Liara had been standing close enough to hear.

Kaidan knew almost nothing about that part of her past, so the name Cain Masanari would mean nothing to him, but James knew who he was and Liara had been inside of her head. The asari's glimpse at her entire life had been an unintended by-product of her touching her mind to Shepard's all those years ago when she'd tried to help her understand the beacon's info from Eden Prime.

"I don't want to talk about it." Shepard swallowed hard as the pain in her head increased and her vision blurred a little. "Let's just get the prothean out and leave."

She could feel them looking at her in concern, but she gritted her teeth and moved off, not wanting to risk staying around Eden Prime any longer than she had to. Shepard jogged at a brisk pace, determinedly ignoring the pulsing pressure in her skull as she led them back to the stasis pod. Getting the prothean out was a simple process, although he was far from impressed to be woken up by _primitives_ and even less impressed to find that he was the sole survivor of his race.

If Shepard hadn't been sick with worry and pain she would have been tempted to knock him on his ass, but, having experienced waking up in unfamiliar and disorientating surroundings herself, she cut him some slack. He was alone, separated from his people by fifty thousand years and was right back in the middle of a fight which had destroyed his race. If he wanted to be an asshole, than she'd let him have that right.

Shepard stayed quiet on the journey back to the Normandy, letting Liara handle talking to the prothean while she went over what had happened on Eden Prime again and again, obsessively dragging out every minute detail of the encounter in the back room. The last time she'd heard from the Reds had been years ago on the Citadel when Finch had tracked her down. She'd dealt with him simply enough, with a bullet to the head, but back then they had just been a violent human first group, they hadn't been affiliated with Cerberus.

She glanced at the faces of her friends as the shuttle landed in the Normandy's docking bay. Everyone else seemed to be in a good mood and were happy and relaxed, even Kaidan and James were laughing with each other. Shepard tried to relax too, after all it _had_ been a successful mission; they'd beaten Cerberus to the prize and had convinced Javik to join their fight, but something just didn't feel right and she couldn't shake the fear that had settled in her stomach.

Something bad was going to happen, she just knew it.

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**A/N - Poor Shepard. I think she needs a James hug! :)**


	39. The Truth At Last

_Disclaimer: I don't own Mass Effect_

**A/N - A big thank you to everyone for the feedback on the last chapter. I was a little worried that people wouldn't like me muddying up the ME3 timeline with her past, so your comments and support were really appreciated - thank you! I hope you enjoy this chapter.**

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Shepard watched as the Citadel grew larger in the window, Joker manoeuvring them around the slower ships with ease as they approached the docking bay. Sighing, she turned away and glanced over at Liara as she waited for her to finish organising the information on Cain Massanari. The thought of Cain and the Reds joining Cerberus was enough to make her feel physically sick; Cerberus had been bad enough without adding the monsters from her past.

Since returning from Eden Prime there had been a sinking feeling in the pit of her stomach, and she'd had a hard time making herself relax. It was a feeling she remembered all too well from her first years away from the Reds, when she had been certain that they would come looking for her. She hated feeling this way, because as much as she loathed crying and weakness, Rennah disliked being frightened even more.

It had been impossible to sleep much the previous night; her headache had been so bad that James had ended up carrying her down to the medbay so Chakwas could dose her up on pain meds. Eventually, Shepard had fallen into a restless sleep and she'd woken up feeling better, although not terribly refreshed.

"I'm ready." Liara looked up at her as she spoke, her eyes unreadable.

"Finally." Shepard knew she sounded rude, and she tried to smile to take the sting out of her words. She glanced up at the camera in the ceiling and narrowed her eyes at the blinking green light, "EDI, deactivate sound and vid recording in Liara's office."

"As you wish." The camera light went out accommodatingly and Rennah turned her attention back to Liara.

"What did you find out?" Shepard hooked her thumbs into the pockets of her BDU pants as Liara brought up several screens of information and pictures, "Anything on Cain?"

Liara nodded, "Quite a bit, although not as much as I hoped. Most of my Cerberus contacts have gone silent." She took a deep breath and her dazzling blue eyes clashed with Shepard's, "Do you want to wait for James? He should know this too."

"No. I'll tell him, but..." She shook her head and brushed her dark hair out of her eyes, "Just tell me what you found."

"Right." Liara enlarged one image and Shepard felt her heart stop at the image of Cain that flashed up on the screen. "Cain Massanari was serving a life sentence in the maximum security wing of the Sadie-Elbert Detention Facility on Earth, or at least he was until a few months ago. According to my sources there was an organised breakout of prisoners, one of which was Massanari." Liara brought up another screen, "I pulled several Alliance files and they indicated that Cerberus was behind the breakout. Unfortunately the Reapers attacked before they could locate the missing prisoners or track down the branch of Cerberus responsible."

Shepard swallowed hard and forced herself to stand still as the room swam around her, "Are you telling me that Cerberus broke him out months ago?"

"It seems that way."

"Do you have any idea where he is now?" Fear was starting to spread inside of her, thick and fast and cold.

She'd lived in fear of the Reds for years, and though the terror had faded a little as time passed, the sight of Cain's face on the screen was enough to bring it all back. She'd hurt Cain, she'd hurt him badly, and the one thing he'd drummed into her as a child was that he always took revenge of those that crossed him. If he found her, she didn't doubt that he'd find a way to make her pay.

"I have no idea where he is." Liara crossed the room and took one of her hands, squeezing it tightly, "It's likely, given the Reds anti-alien stance, that they may have allied their respected groups..."

Shepard laughed a cold ugly laugh, "We _know_ he's with Cerberus, Liara. They wanted me to know so I'd be afraid."

"You think that the Illusive Man recruited Cain to get to you?"

"Liara, you know that he did." She pulled her hand free, "We both know that Cain made me who I am. He knows more about me and how I work than anyone does."

"No." Liara spoke far more forcefully than normal and her eyes blazed, "That's a lie. You're not that person anymore, Shepard. I've been inside your head, I've seen how much you've changed. You have to know that you've changed for the better."

Inexplicably, Shepard felt tears well in her eyes at Liara's unconditional belief in who she was, and she blinked them away before the her friend could see. She wanted to believe she was a different person, that she had changed and wasn't the monster that she used to be. But some days the anger and hate inside of her was so strong that she could barely breathe.

The bottom line was that no matter how much she'd changed or how good she was at fighting, none of it would matter if Cain found her. She'd taken away everything that he'd built and everything that meant something to him. If he ever caught up to her, he'd do the same to her and then he'd hand her over to Cerberus so they could break what was left.

"It's not that Liara." Rennah tried to put the images of the indoctrinated Cerberus soldiers out of her mind, "You know what I did to him and you know what he said he'd do when he caught up with me."

"I know, and I know you're scared of him. But you're not that little girl anymore, you're _Commander Shepard_ and if he does come for you, you'll stop him." Liara looked so earnest that Shepard almost believed her.

_Almost_.

She shrugged, the lump of fear in her stomach knotting further as she looked up at the image of Cain on the screen. He was being led out of the court, his face half-turned towards the cameras as he glared at something beyond the photographer. It was the day of his sentencing; the day that he'd seen her sitting with Anderson at the back of the court and had gone wild as he screamed abuse and threats at her...

Her omni-tool beeped and Shepard jumped at the unexpected noise, letting out a breath she didn't know she was holding when saw it was only a brief message from James: _Let me in, Lola. I promise not to go all protective alpha male on you._ The light-hearted feel of the message made her smile to herself and the knot in her stomach loosened a little bit as Liara looked at her curiously.

"James." Shepard explained simply as she went to the door and opened it.

Vega had arranged himself casually in the door frame and he feigned surprise when he saw her, "Commander! What are _you_ doing here?"

She raised her eyebrows at him, unimpressed with his attempt at humour but she let him in anyway and closed the door behind him. "What are you doing here, James? I thought we were meeting on the Citadel for lunch?"

"Yeah, we were. But I got hungry early so I thought I'd crash your party." He followed her back to the screens and frowned at the image of Cain that was glaring down at them, "That's one hell of a creepy guy, Doc."

"And that is the understatement of the year, James." Liara closed the image, "That's the extent of what I could find out, Shepard. I'm sorry I couldn't be more helpful."

Shepard shrugged and when she felt James move up behind her she leaned back against his chest, craving the security that his presence provided, "We know that he's probably with Cerberus and he's planning to find me. That's more than we knew before."

James cleared his throat, "Am I allowed to ask who's trying to find you?"

"Cain Massanari." Rennah clarified for him, wishing she could explain to James why this man terrified her so much, "He was in charge of the Reds."

"You've mentioned the name before, Lola, but that's all." James' voice was carefully neutral, "He's the one who the guy on Eden Prime said was coming for you, right?"

Shepard nodded, turning in his arms and looking him straight in the eyes as she decided to tell him the truth about her past, "Let's get lunch and I'll tell you everything."

She'd never told anyone about her past before, not the whole truth. Anderson and Hackett knew because they'd been there to help her adjust to a life away from the Reds, and Liara knew because she'd stumbled across the memories in her head, but she'd never actually _told_ anyone before. There was a chance that James was going to be repulsed by what she had to say, but she didn't think so. She trusted him to understand that the girl she'd been back then was not the woman she was now.

* * *

Shepard looked calm, but James knew it was an act; she was scared. He could see in her eyes that she was frightened of what he was going to say to her. For good reason too; the things that Shepard had told him were beyond sickening. He'd imagined her childhood had been bad, but he hadn't come close to guessing exactly how horrifying it had been.

At an age when he'd been into trading cards and playing tag with his friends, she'd been addicted to drugs and had been torturing people, and that was the _tip_ of the iceberg. He hadn't wanted to listen as she laid it all out, calmly and factually as though she was describing a mission they were about to go on, but he hadn't wanted to walk away either. If Shepard trusted him enough for her to finally open up about her past, than he decided he was going to listen to her, no matter how hard it was to hear.

The problem was that the more she said to him, the angrier he became. Not at her, after all it wasn't Rennah's fault that she'd been used by people when she was a child. No, he was angry with the people that had taken an innocent little girl, warped and twisted her until she couldn't tell right from wrong and had then controlled almost every aspect of her life. The things she had done were sickening, but it was the people that had made her into what she'd been that he loathed.

It would have taken an incredible amount of strength and determination to walk away from the only life she knew, but she'd done it. After everything that had happened to her, it was amazing that she had turned out as normal as she had. It did explain why Rennah had reacted so violently when she thought he had been comparing her to a monster; because she'd spent a great many years of her life _believing_ she was a monster.

"James?" Shepard swallowed hard and half-reached out to touch his hand before she pulled hers back and curled it into a fist, "Can you say something?"

_Say something?_

He tore his eyes away from her and glanced around the Citadel, at all the normal people who were talking and going about their day. They were at Apollo Café and had taken a secluded table away from the other patrons so they could talk. Everything was so painfully normal that it made their conversation seem all the more surreal and unbelievable.

_He honestly didn't know what to say…_

"If you…" Her voice faltered and Rennah closed her eyes and took a deep breath before she opened them again, "If you want to be by yourself and think about…"

His heart melted to see her so frightened of what he might say and James reached out and took her hand, prying her fingers apart until he could hold it properly. No matter what she'd done in her past, she was always going to be the same person to him. He'd fallen in love with Rennah Shepard the woman, not with her past or with her legend, and he wasn't going to hold it against her that others had made her do terrible things.

"Shepard." He chided her softly, "Have I ever doubted you?" James stood up and pulled her to her feet, "I love you and nothing you've done will change that."

"Don't feel...obligated." She tried to tug her hand free but James tightened his hold and refused to let go, "I'm a not a very good person, James."

"Don't say that, Lola. You're a good person who did some bad things, that's all." He cupped her cheek and gently slid his hand under her chin and tilted her face up so she'd meet his eyes, "If I'm completely honest, nothing you've done will change how I feel about you. I don't care about your past, I care about _you_."

Shepard let her breath out in a small relieved sound and wrapped her arms around him, pressing her face into the crook of his neck, "I love you."

"I love you too." He let her pull back, "Thank you for telling me the truth."

They paid for their drinks and left, walking hand in hand along the presidium and enjoying the relative solitude. There were people visiting the stores, but not as many as normal and James was surprised to realise he was a little sad to see the change in the Citadel. The scars from Cerberus' attack was still obvious and numerous C-Sec officers were patrolling, nodding politely at them as they passed by.

"Why would Cain be coming after you?" James was hesitant to break the companionable silence as they walked along, but Shepard had been badly shaken on Eden Prime and it was obvious she was scared of him. "I got the feeling that there was more to it than you testifying against him."

"There is." She kept her face down as she spoke, "When I left the Reds he came after me himself. I think he thought he could talk me into coming back by offering me what he thought I wanted. Things got ugly when I wouldn't leave with him and he came at me with his bodyguards. I panicked and I fought back instead of running."

"What happened?"

"I threw one of his body guards out of the window with biotics and slammed the other hard enough to knock him out. Cain lunged at me while I was cooling down so I grabbed the nearest thing and used it to protect myself." She shrugged as she walked and gazed out at the Citadel lake, "I grabbed a letter opener and stabbed him in the eye. It wasn't pretty."

"Ouch."

"He lost his eye and not long after he was arrested. Cain was given medical treatment, but he wasn't able to get a synthetic replacement in prison." She paused and James stopped by her side, "I knew he was furious at me for maiming him, but it wasn't until he saw me at his sentencing and started screaming threats at me that I realised how much."

"And he threatened to...?" James prompted carefully.

"He said a lot of things about taking away everything I cared about and making me pay, and when they dragged him out of court the last thing he screamed at me was, ' _An eye for an eye!_ '" She shivered and James moved to stand behind her, wrapping his arms around her and folding her against him.

The thought of anyone trying to hurt Shepard filled him with a cold rage and he tightened his hold on her, adrenaline surging through him as he imagined fighting to keep her safe, "I'm not going to let anyone hurt you, Lola. No one. I'd die before I let anything happen to you."

"No one is going to die for me, least of all you." She swiveled in his arms and glanced up at him, her eyes suspiciously bright as she saw how passionately he was reacting to the thought of someone touching her, "But thank you, _zvezda moya_."

" _Zvezda moya_?" James stumbled over the unfamiliar words and Shepard smiled at his attempt, "What does that mean?"

"My Star." Shepard looked into his eyes for a moment longer and then looked away, her hand tightening on his as she started walking once more, pulling him along.

The protective surge of anger faded as he realised what she'd said and he smiled at her affectionately, "I'm your star, Lola?"

"Well, your name _is_ Vega." Shepard walked to the elevators and he followed her in, watching as she pressed the button for the embassy level.

"I don't follow?" He was genuinely puzzled by her linking his name to stars, and he let it show in his face.

"You know the star Vega, right?" James gave her an apologetic blank look and she laughed softly, "Okay, when I was young I used to look up at all the lights in the sky and dream about being free and going into space. I couldn't always see all of the stars because of the haze in the city, but I could always see a few stars and Vega was one of them. You're like that star. You're always there for me, watching over me and keeping me safe...

James stepped forward and kissed her before he could stop himself, feeling like he'd fallen in love with Shepard all over again. Her lips were warm and firm against his and he let his hands wander lightly down her body until he wrapped them around her waist, pulling her flush against him. He loved the idea of being the light in her life, it was a surprisingly sweet thing for her to have said.

She pulled away when the elevator slowed, casting him an adorably hungry look as the doors opened and she walked out at a crisp pace, straightening her slightly ruffled BDU jacket. James followed in her wake as she stalked along, watching in amusement as people instinctively got out of her way and avoided slowing her down. Her Commander Shepard face was firmly in place as she opened the door of the Asari Councillors office and walked in without bothering to announce herself.

The asari secretary scrambled to her feet, eyes wide, "Commander Shepard! We weren't expecting you…"

"Really? Tevos called me herself." Shepard sounded unimpressed and James mirrored her stony look.

" _Councillor_ Tevos isn't here." The asari sniffed as though she found Shepard's attitude distasteful, "She wasn't expecting you to arrive for a few days and she is currently off the Citadel handling some _very_ important business." The silence from Shepard was deafening and James struggled not to shiver from the anger emanating from her, "If you'd like to make an appointment…"

Shepard's eyes narrowed and she took a menacing step forward, "Excuse me?"

The asari looked a little more hesitant and she swallowed before she answered, "I said, you could make an appointment to see her when she gets back."

"I don't think so." Rennah's voice was cold and clipped, and the atmosphere in the room became frosty. "Tell _Tevos_ that if she wants to speak to me she can make an appointment when _I'm_ next on the Citadel. She has my number."

Shepard pivoted on her heal and left the room, James following a step behind as the secretary sputtered and stammered behind them. He could hear Rennah growling angrily under her breath as she stomped down the hall, almost magically transforming into the same cranky Shepard that he'd grown to love on Earth. She was simultaneously cute, hilarious and terrifying when she was angry.

"Why bother telling me to come and see her as soon as possible if she isn't fucking going to be here?" She slammed her hand on button to summon the elevator and the people loitering nearby all turned to look at her curiously. "If she thinks I'm going to wait around for her when the Earth is being ripped apart, then she has another thing coming."

James stifled a laugh as she punched the button again, the noise only drawing more attention to them, "It's not all bad, Lola. You said earlier you needed to come here to catch up with Jack and the Cerberus woman."

"Her name's Miranda." She snapped, flicking her purple gaze in his direction.

James straightened automatically and nodded obligingly, "Yeah, sorry Lola."

She sighed and relented a little, "You're right though, I did need to see Jack and Miranda, and the Normandy does need to resupply." The elevator arrived and she stepped in, aiming a withering glare at the small crowd that was watching her.

He could tell Shepard was spoiling for a fight and he pressed the button to close the doors before she could say anything to the curious onlookers, "Why not catch up with them at Purgatory tonight? The crew could probably use a little downtime after Rannoch."

"Yeah." She put a hand to her forehead and leaned against the wall, "I suppose everyone could use a night off."

"Excellent!" James opened up his omni-tool and began to type out the message, "I'll let the Doc, Scars, Sparks, Joker, Esteban and Iceman know…"

"Iceman?" Shepard glanced up at him, amusement and disbelief dancing across her features, "Please don't tell me that's your nickname for Kaidan because of that stupid Cryo-thing you did?"

James felt his mouth stretch into a grin, "Sort of, but it's more because he's the Iceman to my Maverick. You know, Top Gun?"

She rolled her eyes, "I have no idea what you're talking about, Jimmy."

"You've _never_ seen Top Gun?" James' mouth dropped open in surprise and he quickly finished sending the message and linked his arm with hers, "Well, I can fix that. You and I are having a vid-night on the Normandy first chance we get."

Shepard laughed and James smiled at her, pleased that he'd managed to snap her out of her melancholy and her cranky mood. It was good that she'd decided to give the crew a night of shore leave; it would let them rest and recharge after pushing themselves so hard. Plus, if he was honest, he was looking forward to going toe to toe with Shepard and Jack in another drinking contest.

* * *

**A/N - I hope you enjoyed that, please do let me know what you thought! The next chapter should be lots of fun! :D**


	40. Falling

_Disclaimer: I don't own Mass Effect_

**A/N –So, I hope those of you playing Dragon Age: Inquisition are enjoying yourselves! **Thank you so much to the people who reviewed the last chapter – your feedback made my week. A big thank you to TLCinbflo who really helped me get this chapter going and gave me some great feedback.  
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**Now, this chapter took longer to get out than normal, and I'm a little nervous about it so I hope you all enjoy it and I'd love feedback. Just remember that everything happens for a reason!**

* * *

The thumping sound of Purgatory's music hit Shepard like a slap in the face as she walked through the doors, but it was a welcome distraction from the fear and anger which were still buzzing like angry hornets in the back of her mind. She wanted to punch Tevos for wasting her time and slam that smug little asari secretary for being such a pretentious little brat to her. Every time she had anything to do with the council things always ended the same way; aggravatingly.

"You're looking cranky again, Lola." James murmured in her ear as he slipped an arm casually around her waist and steered her towards the back of the club where they could see Joker, Cortez and EDI sitting together.

"I'm still stewing over Tevos." She confessed grumpily, making an effort to dispel the image of her punching the asari councillor from her mind.

James squeezed her gently and laughed huskily, "Forget about it. Just enjoy yourself and relax."

Aside from the hiccup with Tevos, she and James had had a surprisingly nice time together on the Citadel and Shepard felt lighter after getting the secrets of her past off her chest. They'd had a quiet dinner together at a restaurant, and had then gone back to the Normandy to change. James was wearing his usual t-shirt and DBU bottoms, but Shepard had put on the little black dress that Kasumi had bought her.

There weren't going to be many opportunities for her to dress up and have fun in the coming days, and Rennah was planning to take advantage of the free time that she had tonight. There was still a tension in her stomach that she couldn't seem to shake, and a faint worrying niggle at the back of her mind about what Cain and Cerberus were up to. For tonight though, she was going to have a good time and enjoy being with her friends.

James' hand slid from her waist over the curve of her hip as they reached the table and he gestured for her to sit down, "Okay, is it beers all around?"

"Get me a cocktail of some sort." Rennah smiled at him and caught his hand, speaking loudly so he could hear her over the booming music, "Something strong."

"You got it." James' thumb lightly ran over the back of her hand and Shepard bit her lip as even that small touch send a thrill of awareness through her. He looked at their friends, "Esteban? Joker? What do you boys want?"

Joker and Cortez both decided on beers and James ambled off happily, easily cutting through the dense crowds that Shepard knew would have just pissed her off and got in her way. She watched him until he vanished from view and then let her eyes roam over the crowds, keeping an eye out for Jack. Miranda had messaged her earlier, concerned that she might be seen at Purgatory, so Shepard was going to meet up with her later.

She straightened in her seat as she saw Kaidan and Liara walk in and she chuckled to herself as both of them made identical wincing expressions when the loud music smashed into them. Kaidan had always been happy to go out with her when they'd been together, but he had never enjoyed loud places with bright lights. He blamed his migraines but Rennah suspected it had more to do with his discomfort with crowded places full of drunk people.

Behind them, Tali and Garrus sauntered in looking far more pleased to be out and about in such a loud and vibrant place, and Shepard stood up and waved them over, feeling unexpectedly happy as Tali waved enthusiastically and dragged Garrus straight to the table. Liara and Kaidan waved at her more reservedly and veered towards the bar, the two of them slipping through the crowd together.

"Shepard, this is so nice! So much better than the clubs that the Citadel used to have!" Tali declared as she sat down at the table, "Vakarian, I need a drink! Get me something purple and dextro."

"I'm not your slave, Tali." Garrus grumbled and made as if to sit down, but Shepard could tell he was jerking Tali's chain.

She gripped his arm and looked up at him, "Oh, please!"

"Yeah, come on Garrus." Rennah grinned at him slyly, "Get the girl a drink!"

"Okay, sure. I'll get you something purple." The turian relented, looking ruffled, and he glared at Shepard as though it was somehow her fault that Tali was ordering him around. "Is Vega here?"

"At the bar." Shepard nodded in the general direction that James had disappeared and Garrus quickly vanished into the crowd.

Grinning at Tali, Shepard relaxed into her seat and watched her friends; Joker and EDI were sitting close together and laughing about something Cortez had said, the three of them looking happier and more relaxed than Shepard had seen them look in recent times. It was impossible to know for sure, but Tali seemed especially excited as she watched Garrus do battle with the crowd at the bar, her three fingers tapping out the beat to the music on the edge of the table.

James had been right; they _had_ needed some down time to relax after the horrors of Rannoch, hell, she needed some time to relax as well. She hadn't realised how tightly wound up she was until James had pointed out that her temper was getting the better of her. It was frustrating to be here doing nothing when they had a universe to save, but if she burnt herself out she wouldn't be of any use to anyone.

Rennah looked up as James reappeared in the crowd, Liara and Kaidan in tow and helping him carry the drinks. James set what looked like a famed and very potent Asari Fireball in front of her and then put down a jug of beer. Liara had a Fireball of her own and Kaidan had what looked like whisky on the rocks. They slid into empty seats while James squashed into the seat next to her, his leg and hips pressing not so subtly against her.

A few minutes later Garrus came back with drinks for himself and Tali, and Shepard charged her glass, "To Normandy and her crew"

Everyone echoed her toast and fell to chatting; Cortez, Joker, Garrus and James engaging in a ridiculous discussion about the best action movies of all time, while Tali, EDI, Liara and Kaidan started talking about some of the new tech gadgets available. Shepard was content to sit back and listen to them, occasionally laughing at James' stupid movie choices and pressing her thigh against his.

Shepard tried to keep an eye on the door in case Jack arrived, but she got distracted when James casually slid his arm around her and his fingers lightly stroked her shoulder. A moment later he slid his other hand under the table and over her thigh, squeezing gently, and Rennah had to fight hard not to gasp as his hand slid higher. As much as she loved James, sometimes the man was an insufferable tease who loved to drive her wild.

They got through the first round of drinks and then Cortez shouted the second and Shepard the third, by which time everyone was nicely tipsy. When Tali and Cortez loudly decided it was time for dancing almost everyone was in agreement, the only hold outs were Kaidan who murmured something about finishing his drink, and Joker and EDI who made their excuses and left. Rennah hesitated as the others all made their way to the dance floor, James staying by her side as she looked from her friends back to Kaidan.

She bit her lip, "Kaidan, are you sure you don't want to…"

"Shepard!"

Rennah looked up as a shout interrupted her and smiled as she saw Jack making her way towards them, her hair tied back and tattoos proudly on show as she strutted across the floor. Jack, as always, was attracting a lot of attention and Shepard shook her head at her obvious distaste as one unlucky Alliance solider tried to talk to her and was dealt with by a flare of biotics and a nasty look. Shepard couldn't help but notice that Kaidan was watching her too, his eyebrows raised at Jack's little show of power.

No doubt he disapproved of her.

Jack cast a cursory and curious glace at Kaidan, then turned her attention on Rennah, "So, Commander Shepard united the quarians and the geth." She spoke in a sickly sweet mocking tone, "And just when I thought you couldn't be any more of a girl scout, you go and prove me wrong."

"Says the woman who's spending her days babysitting biotic children." Rennah rolled her eyes and picked up the rest of her drink, swallowing it in one go.

" _Kick ass_ biotic children." Jack corrected as her eyes flashed blue, "So, I heard from Cortez that you and Muscles here finally did the nasty and hooked up." She looked meaningfully at James and chuckled as Rennah tried and failed to hide her blush. "It took you long enough."

"You're telling me." James piped up and Shepard grinned as he slid an arm around her waist, "But Lola was worth the wait."

"Aaaw, that's so fucking sweet I could choke." She made a gagging sound and then casually snuck a glance at Kaidan, "And who is that?" Jack aimed another curious look at Kaidan as he sipped his whisky, his amber eyes watching James' arm around Shepard's waist, "He's not half bad looking compared to the rest of the Alliance grunts in this place."

"I'm going to leave this one to you." James excused himself with a laugh and made his way to the dance floor where Cortez and Liara were thrashing about madly.

With a super human effort she tore her eyes off James as he began to dance and glanced back at Kaidan, who was gazing into his drink and looking thoughtful, "That's Major Kaidan Alenko…"

" _What_?" Jack made a choking sound and craned her neck to look at him more closely, " _That's_ the asshole from Horizon?" She gave herself a small shake and frowned at Shepard, "What the hell is he doing here?"

"Nothing." Shepard returned her frown, "It's fine. Kaidan's apologised and things are okay between us. Don't screw it up by being a bitch to him."

Jack flicked her eyes back to Kaidan and the corners of her full red lips turned up into a wicked little smile, "Oh, don't worry. I won't be a bitch..."

* * *

Kaidan stifled a sighed and tried to stop his eyes wandering over Shepard, who looked far too sexy in the figure hugging black dress. The woman, who she introduced as Jack, was a welcome distraction and he automatically looked up with a smile, a smile which froze as he saw the myriad of tattoos that covered her. Very _familiar_ tattoos. He'd only had the one glimpse of Shepard's back, but he could remember the geometric pattern of some of them, and this woman's tattoos were too similar for it to be a coincidence.

He ran his eyes over her figure, taking in the knee high black boots and skin tight camouflage combat pants before he let his gaze drift up. Her shirt was a criss-cross of white strips of material that covered her breasts and left very little to the imagination, over which she wore a black leather combat jacket with metal studs. She had chestnut hair which had been sheared into one of the most striking undercuts he'd ever seen and what was left of her hair was pulled back into a pony tail which bobbed behind her.

Kaidan hesitated when his eyes reached her face and he realised that she was _stunning_. Her almond shaped eyes were a deep chocolate brown, her lips were full and red, and her high cheekbones gave her the kind of look that models would have killed for. He glanced at her again, realising that under the layers of tattoos and _'don't touch me'_ clothing, was a woman who was curvaceous and beautiful but was desperately trying to hide it.

"Get a good look?" She put a hand on her hip and glared at him, mistaking his interest in her physical appearance as a sexual once over.

Kaidan met her eyes straight on, unembarrassed, and shrugged one shoulder, "You certainly know how to make an impression."

"I'm going to get us some drinks." Shepard laughingly pushed Jack down in a seat before turning back to the bar, "You guys can talk about biotics or something."

He took a sip from his whisky to fill the awkward silence as Shepard left them alone and Jack glared at him, "So," he asked casually, "You're a biotic?"

"Yes." She watched his whisky glass enviously and sighed, "I'm a teacher at Grissom Academy. The Ascension Project"

Kaidan blinked and sat up straighter at that, surprised that someone who looked like her was working somewhere as specialised as Grissom, "You're working at the Academy?"

"Yeah, so?" Jack immediately glared at his surprised tone, "I'm the best there is and they offered a steady pay check and free board."

"I didn't mean to insult you, it's just that you just don't look like a…teacher." He finished lamely, taking another sip of his drink to cover his embarrassment, "I had some students in my Spec Ops group who came from Grissom and they were damned good biotics."

Jack shrugged and seemed to let it go, "They're good kids, eager to please and Grissom's a good place. It's a damned sight better than Cerberus facilities."

"And BAaT, I imagine." He murmured it quietly but to his surprise Jack heard him and nodded.

"Yeah, I read about some of the shit they did to kids at Jump Zero. Nasty stuff. Kids don't need fucking torture to be good biotics." She snorted softly and shook her head as she leaned forward and looked at him, "Between you and me, this whole thing with Cerberus trying to kidnap biotics and working with the Reapers? I'm not surprised. They're evil mother fuckers."

"You're not telling me anything I don't know. I can't believe that Shepard worked with them." As he spoke he saw Jack's eyes narrow dangerously and he quickly added, "She must have hated it."

Her expression lightened and she snickered, "She used them as much as they used her. You do know she recruited me on her suicide mission against the Collectors, don't you? I wasn't thrilled about working with them either, but Shepard promised me unrestricted access to their system, and getting dirt on Cerberus was too good to pass up."

Kaidan had the feeling that there was more to her story than just 'being recruited', but he didn't push it. Jack was like no one he'd ever met before; she was intriguing, and talking to her was certainly going to be a more interesting way to spend the evening then sitting here and watching James and Shepard try to keep their hands off each other.

It was still hard to see them together.

Even though he'd done his best to accept that Rennah had moved on, it wasn't easy watching another man making her smile and knowing that he was the one holding her at night. To make matters worse, he was starting to genuinely like James, so despite wanting to stay angry at him and blame him for stealing Shepard away, he couldn't. James was funny, friendly and it was painfully obvious that he adored Shepard. It hurt, but Kaidan was determined not to dwell on the past any longer.

Extracting himself from his thoughts and extended a hand to Jack, "Let me introduce myself properly since Shepard just kind of threw us together, I'm Major Kaidan Alenko."

"Jack. Just Jack." She reached out and took his hand and both of them gasped as an impossibly strong flare of biotic energy jumped between them, the almost electric current so strong that Kaidan was surprised there wasn't a blue flash.

They let go of each other's hand instantly, Jack rubbing hers on her pant leg while Kaidan curled his hand into a fist and then straightened it again to dispel the not-entirely unpleasant tingling sensation that was running through his fingers. He always felt a small hum of energy when he met another biotic, sometimes it was a faint tingle, or with vanguards like Shepard it was like a physical field he pushed through, but with Jack it had been like an electric shock. The woman must have been one of the strongest human biotics he'd ever met to have made him react like that, and Kaidan stared at her in shock.

"What the hell was that?" Jack flexed her fingers too and then looked at him like it was his fault, "Can't you control yourself?"

"Don't blame me." He grabbed his whiskey and took a larger mouthful, wincing as it burned a fiery trail down his throat, "It's not like either of us could help it."

"Yeah, but what was that? I've felt tingles and zaps before, but that was...I felt like..." Jack gave up trying to describe it and settled on glaring at him, "I've never felt anything like that before."

Kaidan shrugged, "Maybe you've never met another strong biotic before?"

"This didn't happen with Shepard." Jack gestured at the bar, where they could see Rennah trying to carry three full glasses of drinks back to them.

"She's strong, but she's a vanguard. Her implants give her biotics a different feel to ours. Her energy feels like..."

"Like warm water." Jack finished for him, "You can feel it around her in the air, but it's not sharp or shocking like that was." She cleared her throat and licked her lips, her brown eyes wandering over his face and chest so quickly that Kaidan almost missed it, "So which implant do you use?"

"L2." He waited for the usual pitying reaction that he got from other biotics, but to his surprise Jack just leaned in closer and looked intensely interested, so he continued talking, "I get headaches and migraines, but an L3 implant would have been a step down. I'm stronger like this." He wondered what kind of implant she had.

"I don't know much about the L2 implant, other than the fact that it was unstable and most of you are either crazy or weak as water. I take it you're exceptional?"

Kaidan flushed, "I'm..."

Shepard arrived with their drinks before he could answer, and the question was left floating unanswered in the air. Rennah set two Fireballs on the table and a glass of something that smelled like Ryncol, then pulled out a chair and slid in next to them, "Okay, drink up!"

He met Jack's amused gaze as she picked up the glass of ryncol and winked at him before swallowing it in one go, "To kickass biotics."

Time passed by in a blur of whisky and beer, until Kaidan wasn't sure how long he and Jack had been drinking. Definently long enough for him to be feeling relaxed and for his tongue to be a little looser than normal. He'd never been great in loud party situations, but tonight the beer and whisky he'd been drinking had done the trick, and he was enjoying chatting with her. Both of them were more than a little tipsy, and their friendly chatting had started descending into not-so-subtle flirting.

Jack was by no means the kind of woman he was usually drawn to, but there was something about her which attracted him. She was interesting, vivacious and she didn't seem to find him boring at all, which Kaidan suspected many women did. It felt strange to be flirting with someone again, especially with Shepard so close by, but she'd seemed pleased that they were getting on with each other, and Kaidan had to admit it was nice to feel attractive.

Shepard had been pinged on her omni tool earlier in the evening and had left to quickly meet with someone called Miranda Lawson. When she'd come back, she'd joined the others on the dance floor and Kaidan had watched as she and James danced and laughed together. Maybe it was the alcohol, or the fact that Jack was sending him quite obvious signals that she was interested in him, but watching Shepard with someone else didn't hurt half as much as he'd expected.

"Hey!" Jack slammed a hand on the table loudly and Kaidan jumped as his drink sloshed over the side, "Stop gawking at Shepard like a lovesick teenager. It's pathetic."

"I was just..."

"I saw what you were doing." She snapped, her eyes flashing angrily, "Just fucking move on and let her go. She finally happy again, so stop watching them like that."

Kaidan felt his cheeks colouring and he hastily tried to explain, "No, it wasn't anything like that. I was just thinking that," He sighed and drew in a breath, "they look good together. They look like a couple, you know what I mean?"

"Yeah, I know." It was Jack's turn to look uncomfortable and to Kaidan's surprise her cheeks went pink and she stood up, clearly trying to cover her embarrassment, "Come on, let's go dance."

"I don't dance..."

Kaidan tried to avoid her grasp as she ignored him and caught hold of his hand, hauling him to his feet. His skin tingled and buzzed where she touched him and he had to fight not to shiver at the sensation as she pulled him out amongst the dancing crowd and her body brushed against his. The lights swirled around dizzying and the music almost deafened him, but when Jack started dancing in front of him, so close she occasionally brushed against him with those delicious tingles, he forgot how loud and bright it was and he focused on the woman in front of him.

He'd never been the best at dancing, mostly because he was too self-conscious to really let go, but it was fun to dance with Jack while he was pleasantly tipsy _._ She certainly wasn't the kind of woman he'd normally be interested in, but there was something about her which he liked. She was brutally honest, full of confidence and her biotics literally made his skin sizzle. Besides which, it was only harmless flirting and there was no reason why he shouldn't cut loose and have fun with her.

She danced with wild abandon, giving herself to the music completely and her body moved perfectly in time with the beat; her hips swaying and her arms gracefully moving around her. She came closer to him, smelling faintly of Fireballs and ryncol as she swung around and began to dance against him sexily. Kaidan's breath caught in his throat as her hips and butt lightly ground against the front of him as she moved, glancing at him over her shoulder.

When she turned and stepped closer to him it seemed the most natural thing in the world to put his arms around her waist and hold her against him. For a few moments he let himself forget all of his pain and worries as he danced with the stranger called Jack. He knew he was drunk and this was all very out of character for him, but if the world was coming to an end then he was going to enjoy moments like these. He knew without a doubt that he'd be feeling guilty and embarrassed in the morning, but right now he didn't have a care.

He was sick of feeling lonely and miserable.

"What do you say we get out of here and go back to my hotel?" Jack's breath tickled his ear and Kaidan froze against her as his mind threw up images of her tattooed body moving against his. It was so unexpected and erotic that is actually shook him out of his tipsy haze and he took a step back from her.

"Uh, I'm not sure if that's…"

"Come on, Alenko. We're both adults and I know how to please a man." Jack closed the gap against them again and plastered her body against his, her fingers clasping his belt and holding him to her.

Abruptly Kaidan felt embarrassed at himself for letting things get this far; Jack was drunk and he was not the kind of guy that dirty danced with a woman. He could blame the alcohol, or his desperation to forget about Shepard, but the honest truth was that he liked Jack and he'd just gotten carried away in the heat of the moment. He didn't do one night stands, and he had an unshakable feeling that if he went home with Jack, that's all that this would be.

"I don't think that's a good idea." He peeled her fingers off of his belt and gestured with his head towards the front of the club, "Why don't we just call it a night and catch up when we're next on the Citadel?"

There was silence for a moment and then she pulled her hands from his and stepped back icily, "Whatever."

"I like you a lot, but we've only just met." Kaidan explained as the dancing crowd jostled around them and without thinking he led her to the edge of the dance floor.

"Then why not spend the night with me? It feels so good when you touch me, we'd be amazing together." Jack swayed a little unsteadily and he looped an arm around her waist and half carried her down the stairs, choosing to ignore her question.

He wasn't sure where the other Normandy crewmembers were, but Kaidan was glad that no one witnessed him leading a drunk Jack from Purgatory. She stumbled a little bit as they left the club and he more securely wrapped his arm around her and led her over to the sky car cabs. Jack kept her eyes trained on him as he hailed a cab, her expression suspicious and slightly perplexed.

"Were you trying to make Shepard jealous by dancing with me?" She asked eventually, her voice soft and her breath smelling faintly of alcohol.

Kaidan shook his head and almost laughed, "No, I just got carried away. I like you a lot but I don't do one night stands. I'd rather get to know a woman first."

She scoffed, "You say that now, but men are all the same."

A sky cab drew up and Kaidan quickly opened his omni-tool up, "Look, what's your extranet address? We can meet up when we next get a chance and grab coffee or something."

Jack muttered something under her breath but she opened her omni-tool and swapped address with him while the cab driver waited patiently, "There, happy now?"

"Yep. I'll send a message in the morning and make sure you pulled up alright."

"I always pull up alright." Jack reluctantly moved out from under his arm and the buzzing tingle that was between them faded. For a moment she hesitated and then turned back to him, "What about a kiss goodnight?"

Kaidan debated for a moment and then grinned, "Sure. That I can do."

He leaned in, intending to kiss her on the cheek and maintain his gentlemanly demeanour, but at the last minute she turned her head and her lips met his. Before he could draw back or apologise, Jack's hands found their way into his hair and her body was back against his again as she kissed him. The kiss was like nothing he'd felt before, electric and alive with heat and passion. Then it was over and Jack pulled away looking dazed.

For a moment they stared at each other, then Jack gave him a wink and slipped into the sky cab with a laugh, "Good night, _Major_."

The cab door closed before he could rally his senses and reply, and Kaidan was left standing their stunned as the cab drew away. Never in all his time had he been so floored by a woman. It was just a physical thing because of the biotics, he was sure, but he felt more alive right now than he had in months.

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**A/N – I'm nervous about this chapter, but there is a reason for everything! Please let me know what you thought in a review. I hope you enjoyed it - I enjoyed it immensely!**

**And now some shameless self-promotion! I've written two new fics which you guys may enjoy. I have a new James/Shepard one shot called _Say Something_ and a new Kaidan/Shepard fic called _Distance_. Feel free to check them out! :)**


	41. Closer

_Disclaimer: I don't own Mass Effect_

**A/N - I really wanted to get this out last night, but I ended up falling asleep on the couch! Oops! Thank you so much to everyone who is reading along or has followed or favourited, but an especially big thank you to the people who take time out to review; Seventh Sanctum, RBurger, Zombie Husk, Shaun, Lady Velvet C. Peterson, Nicniviean, VeeIsMe, Simone the Reaper Hunter, Candle in the Night, Jules Hawke, ZieraVakarian, Ella11, Blausen, Samolfran, Kelleytastic, TLCinbflo & the guests. **

**I was so nervous about the Kaidan/Jack in the last chapter and your feedback was really helpful and reassuring. Your support and feedback means a lot to me and on days when I'm feeling down it always brings a smile to my face. I know it sounds sappy, but it's true! So thank you again!**

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Shepard yawned and stretched as she woke up sprawled on James' bare chest. Her lips curved into a smile as his arms tightened around her reflexively, pulling her tighter against him when she would have sat up. It was relaxing in his arms and he smelled of spicy aftershave, soap and faintly of beer, but her internal clock was telling her it was time to get up and she started to untangle herself from him.

"Stay for five more minutes." He mumbled against her hair, his voice husky and furred with sleep, "This is so nice."

She laughed softly as she opened her eyes and sat up, straddling James' waist and feeling slightly disorientated as she realised that they were lying on his camp bed in the docking bay and not in her cabin as she'd assumed, "I can't. Traynor wanted me to come and see her as a matter of urgency once I was back on duty, and I'm going to have to hurry if I want to shower first…" She glanced around and frowned, "You know, I have no idea how I got down here."

"You don't remember telling me that you wanted me to make love to you in my bed for a change?" James smirked and moved his hands up to her waist, squeezing gently as her mouth opened in shock, "You were pretty persuasive, Lola."

"What!" Shepard glanced around the still empty space and then down at herself, thanking whatever deity had been looking after her that she'd at least put her clothes back on when they were done. "Oh my god, I must have absolutely legless! Did anyone see us?"

James laughed, "Not to worry. You fell asleep as soon as you cuddled up against me." His hands slid off her as she stood up and smoothed down her dress, "You're adorable when you're drunk, you know."

"Oh, shut up." She felt her face going red.

He settled back on the bed and yawned, stretching out impressively and giving her quite a show as his muscles rippled and flexed. He was still wearing his boots and BDU bottoms, but for some reason they only added to the appeal as he lazily reached his arms over his head until his joints popped, his warm brown eyes watching her invitingly. His arms, chest and abs were far too much of a temptation, and Rennah turned away with a curse before her traitorous thoughts could get the better of her.

James chuckled behind her as she left, but it was a nice chuckle and Shepard had to admit that she was grinning at his little show. The man was the embodiment of temptation, and he bloody well knew it! The happy buzz stayed with her as she caught the elevator up, showered and then made her way back down to the CIC where Traynor was, as usual, working.

_Did she ever sleep?_

"Oh, Commander!" She snapped to attention, "I found something which you _need_ to see."

"What have you got?" Shepard moved up next to the console, thankful that she was feeling fine this morning because after the amount she'd drunk last night, she should have been seriously hungover.

_Thank you, biotics!_

Traynor brought up a screen full of reports and encoded transcripts, "A group of Cerberus scientists have cut ties and fled." She glanced at Rennah sneakily, her eyes twinkling, "Perhaps they finally realised they were on the wrong side." Shepard smiled at her joke half-heartedly and Traynor continued, "We don't know what they were researching but they were amongst the Illusive Man's top scientists."

"Right." Shepard leaned on the console and flicked through the reports, but saw nothing except lists of names and education degrees which meant nothing to her, "You know, this all seems a bit too convenient."

Traynor rolled her eyes and smiled slightly, "You're always suspicious of Cerberus, and rightly so, but these scientists are in serious trouble if Cerberus finds them. My point is that they could help build the Crucible."

"Are you suggesting I recruit them?" Rennah stepped back, crossing her arms over her chest and frowning at her, "Cerberus scientists aren't exactly known for being honest..." Traynor raised her eyebrows and gave her a pointed look, and Shepard cleared her throat awkwardly, " _But_ I suppose they could be useful, and a lot of Cerberus people are tricked into thinking they're doing the right thing."

"Like you, Commander?"

Rennah managed to hide her amusement at the smug comment and stay po-faced, "I'll pretend you didn't say that, _Specialist_."

"Yes, ma'am." She jauntily saluted, but it was playful and her expression softened, "These scientists could be like you, Commander. You _were_ doing the right thing at the time and saving lives. Cerberus are being right bastards now, but I was _on_ Horizon when the Collectors attacked. You saved me and my family." Her voice swelled with emotion, "I never told you, but you saved my life that day."

There was a haunted look in her eyes and Shepard placed a gentle hand on her shoulder, "I had no idea."

"Its fine, I just wanted to say thank you." Traynor reached up and squeezed her hand.

Rennah could see the terror in her eyes as she relived what she'd experienced on Horizon; waking up in stasis, unable to move, and watching as her friends were carried away. James, she realised, must have experienced something similar when he'd been stung by the Swarmers on Fehl Prime. He'd never talked out it with her, but being frozen and helpless would have been a horrific experience.

An awkward silence fell as Samantha struggled to control her emotions and Shepard stepped back to give her some space, "Has the Alliance tried to make contact?"

"They've been unable to find them." The specialist drew in a deep shaky breath and seemed to pull herself together, "They're searching, but so is Cerberus."

"Damn."

She'd read the latest Alliance reports concerning Cerberus, and it seemed as though they were everywhere at the moment. Every time the Alliance showed up to help a stranded ship or a facility that had been cut off, Cerberus would never be far away. The troops were stronger, faster and deadlier than they had been earlier, prompting the Alliance to begin research into what kind of synthetic and VI implants they were using to give them an edge. Judging from the troopers they'd come across so far it was Reaper technology for sure, although how they'd adapted it for human use was a mystery.

"Commander, you should have more faith in me." Traynor brought up another screen that was full of data, star maps and diagrams, "I've been monitoring Cerberus communications and I've charted several signal frequencies against Cerberus cells by location, then cross referenced known ship movements…" Traynor sounded smug and as she chatted, she scrolled through more maps and markers until she reached a screen where one location was highlighted and flashing.

"Let me guess, you found them?" Shepard narrowed her eyes at the location; planet Gellix in the Arrae system.

"Bingo!" She beamed broadly and then faltered a little, "Or at least, I believe so."

Rennah felt a surge of triumph go through her at having beaten Cerberus at their own game, "Good work." She clapped Traynor on the shoulder and whirled around as she stalked to the elevator, "Joker? Plot a course for the Arrae system." The doors opened and she went in, pushing the button for the crew level where she would hopefully find the people she wanted on her team. It was a pity Garrus wasn't recovered enough to come along, as she had a feeling his sniping abilities would have come in handy, but at least Kaidan and James were working well as a team.

"Aye aye, Commander." Joker's voice came through the intercom, sounding a little worse for wear, "Although, a _good_ Commander would have let us sleep in a little bit before dragging us off into another fight with Cerberus."

"No rest for the wicked, Joker." The elevator stopped and Shepard grinned at the hungover sounding groan he made as she walked out and made her way to the mess.

The pilot made another grumpy sound before he signed off, "Trust _you_ to say that."

Garrus, James and Kaidan were all seated at the mess table eating rations. James looked pleased with himself and was grinning widely at Kaidan who was actually blushing, his caramel coloured eyes looking anywhere except at the larger marine. Garrus looked exceptionally hungover and was slumped over the table looking nauseated and greyer than normal. She shook her head slightly as she strode in and collected a ration pack, ripping it open and nibbling on a protein bar as she sat down with them.

Kaidan glanced at her and then back James, "Vega, I swear to God if you say anything..."

"Hey Lola!" James ignored Kaidan and smirked at her, his eyes twinkling with devilment, "Guess who _almost_ went home with Jack last night?" James eyes slid slyly towards Kaidan.

Rennah laughed before she could stop herself; the thought of Kaidan, the ultimate Boy Scout, almost having a night of passion with Jack was hilarious. She couldn't think of two people were more different, or more likely to butt heads and fight with each other. Jack had never been Kaidan's biggest fan, although she had based her opinion of him on Shepard's broken hearted rants, so maybe her opinion had changed now that she'd actually met him face to face.

Strangely, the more she thought about it, the more the idea of them together seemed oddly adorable. She could see why they'd be attracted to each other; they'd both had their childhoods ruined by biotic training and government organisations, and they were both stunningly powerful biotics. Even if they were chalk and cheese in terms of personalities, they had obviously hit it off last night and it was probably good for both of them to have someone else in their life.

Although maybe she was getting ahead of herself...

"So, you and Jack, huh?" Shepard probed casually, hoping she could get the story out of him without having to message Jack and stir up that particular nest of snakes.

He sighed and gave James a filthy look, "Nothing happened! We hit it off, we talked, we danced and that was about it."

Garrus coughed meaningfully, "He may have forgotten to mention that he walked her out to a taxi and gave her a kiss before they parted ways." The turian managed a smile despite his hangover, "And quite a kiss it was too, according to Tali."

"Okay, yes, we kissed." Kaidan mumbled quickly under his breath, his cheeks going slightly pinker, "Are you happy now you've pried into my life?"

"Yep." Shepard ate another mouthful of her bar and reached across to take mouthful of coffee from James' cup, ignoring the bitter taste. She much preferred mint tea, but she'd take what she could get when she needed energy. "I think it's _cute_."

"Oh man!" Garrus perked up enough to laugh, "If Jack ever knows you called her cute, she'll kill you!"

Even Kaidan managed a smile at that, "She's pretty intense, and nothing like I thought she would be when I first saw her, but there is _something_ about her."

"Jack's more than she seems." Shepard nodded and met Kaidan's eyes, letting him see that she understood what it was that he saw in her; Jack was special. "But," She added, "I actually didn't come down here to get the low down on your love life."

"Another mission, Commander?" James snapped into marine mode with staggering speed, scrunching his ration packet in a small ball and watching at her intently.

She nodded, "There are some Cerberus scientists who have flown the coop, so to speak. They could be useful and Traynor tracked down their location, so we're going to go find them before Cerberus can."

"Are we expecting a fight?"

"Maybe, for all we know Cerberus has found them too, or they may not want to come with us, but they're a potential resource which the Alliance could use." Shepard paused and glanced down at her hands, frowning to herself, "Kaidan and James, you're going to be on team with me, and I want you both on high alert while we're down there. The last thing I need is for Cerberus to jump us when we least expect it."

Kaidan nodded, "The timing is suspicious, but we'll be on our guard."

"What's our ETA?" James took her ration packet out of her hand and stood up, "Do I have time to finish some weapon mods?"

"We should be arriving in just over four hours, Lieutenant Vega." EDI chimed in over the com, her voice sliding through the air like silk, "You should have time to finish all the weapon upgrades."

"Excellent." He took the rubbish and his cup to the mess and then tagged Kaidan, "Major, you fancy coming down with me? I requisitioned an assault rifle piercing mod with your name on it."

Kaidan chuckled and stood up, "No need to twist my arm."

"What about you, Scars? Fancy choosing a new upgrade for your sniper rifle?" James nudged his buddy in the arm. "I have a few mods that might suit you!"

Garrus shook his head and made a grumbling noise, "Vega, if I get in that elevator I'll probably be sick all over you, and I'm not sure our friendship can come back from that."

James laughed, "Fair enough. I'll be ready to go in four hours, Lola."

Shepard watched them go and then turned back to Garrus, "How are you doing?"

"Bored." He idly scratched at his shoulder where the shiny scar tissue could still be seen, "If it wasn't for Tali and Vega stopping in to see me, I'd probably have gone mad by now." His eyes flicked over to her, "Chakwas says I'll be good for active duty again in a few more days."

There was an uncertain tone in his voice and she grinned at him, "Good, missions just haven't been the same without you by my side." She slugged him in the arm good-naturedly, "I mean, Kaidan's good and all, but he didn't have my back when I went through the Omega Relay."

Garrus looked relieved and Rennah wondered if he'd been worried that she was replacing him with Kaidan permanently. He needn't have worried; he'd been the first of her old crew to join up with her. No doubts and no questions. Garrus had accepted her at face value and had had her back through everything.

Not to mention he was the best goddamned shot on the ship, not counting herself.

"That's good to know." His sub-vocals dropped low in appreciation and he nodded at her, "Thanks Shepard."

"Don't mention it." Shepard left him to nurse his hangover in the mess and made her way down to the docking bay, eager to double check her armour and weapons and see if James had found mods for her too.

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From the shuttle's front window, Planet Gellix was beautiful; huge snowy mountains stretched into pristine blue skies. The facility where the scientists were hiding was nestled in an icy valley between two towering peaks and it glittered in the sunlight. As the shuttle cut through the sky and came in to land, bright flashes of gun fire could be seen as the Cerberus troops, who had arrived before them, advanced on the building.

"Set us down and get out of here, Cortez!" Shepard shouted as the shuttle swooped down over the landing pad and hovered, "I don't want you here when those Cerberus reinforcements arrive."

Cortez acknowledged and she opened the door and jumped out with James and Kaidan right behind her. They were bombarded with noise as soon as they hit the ground; the loud steady thrum of turret fire, the resounding boom of shock grenades and the screams of men and women in pain. Shepard powered forward as fast as she could, taking cover where possible, but aiming to take out as many of the Cerberus troops as she could.

Cerberus had seen their shuttle come in and was ready for them, but the security team from the facility appeared to be holding their own, so their forces were divided. Shepard caught an engineer with a Slam and could almost hear the crunch of bones as he was lifted and slammed into the ground with enough force to send him bouncing away like a rag doll, his arms and legs flailing brokenly. Kaidan took out the turret with an overload, and James focused his fire on the assault troopers who were trying to advance on them.

There was no time to catch their breath, and Shepard biotically charged into a Centurion who was trying to sneak up behind the security team, the force of the charge knocking him from his feet and giving her a chance to slam him with a nova. The blast cracked his armour and Shepard wasn't surprised to see the blackened remains of a husk-like form inside of his armour. She spared it only a glance as Kaidan and James mopped up the remaining troopers and she cautiously advanced on the facility.

She could see trails of blood smeared across the ground where someone had tried to drag the wounded into cover, but the amount of blood was significant and Rennah knew instinctively that whoever had been hit wasn't going to make it. The only sounds audible as she crept forward were the crunch of her boots on debris and the sound of a woman's voice crackling over a radio, calling out for someone again and again.

She caught James and Kaidan's attention and signalled for them to cover her as she crept forward with her handgun raised. As she drew closer she could hear the heavy breathing of someone in pain, and small scratching sounds from behind makeshift shield walls that the security team had set up. She skirted around the edge quickly, her finger tight on the trigger as she took in the dead bodies sprawled around and the single survivor who had collapsed on the ground and was holding his side.

"Jacob!" Shepard holstered her handgun and stepped over the bloodied corpses as she moved to his side, looking down at him as he winced and clutched at a wound that, in her mind, looked more like a flesh wound. "How bad is it?"

"I'll live." He looked up at her, his arrogant features looking haggard and drawn, "Thank god you came. I thought we were done for."

The radio crackled again, and this time Rennah could clearly hear a woman's voice calling for Jacob. Kaidan walked over and picked it up while James kept guard, scanning around with his gun at the ready. "This is Major Kaidan Alenko of the Alliance. Cerberus is clear for now and it's safe to open the doors."

There was a pause and then the woman's voice was back, high pitched and clearly frightened, "Where's Jacob?"

"It's alright Brynn, you can let them in." Jacob tried to stand up, but his face twisted in pain and he fell back with a groan.

Shepard looked at him for a long moment and then offered him a hand up. She'd never really clicked with Jacob while she'd been working for Cerberus, in fact, if she was completely honest, he'd always made her vaguely uncomfortable. While on the Normandy, he'd flirted with her non-stop and had become quite pushy while pursuing her. He'd always claimed to just be having fun, but she'd never truly been at ease around him.

He took her hand and pulled himself to his feet, "Thanks, Shepard. It's good to see you."

"You too." Shepard lied as she extracted her hand from his.

The doors of the facility began to open and Jacob hobbled towards it, one hand pressing to the bloody wound at his side. Shepard could see Cerberus scientists and more helmeted security officers mulling about busily inside, carrying boxes and stocking shuttles. She hung back a moment as Jacob walked in and a pretty looking woman with a short dark bob threw her arms around his neck, hugging him to her and then anxiously checking his wound.

"So far so good, right Shepard?" Kaidan followed her gaze and watched the Cerberus personnel.

She shrugged, "Maybe, it all just feels a little bit too easy."

James nodded and looked into the horizon, where the distant glint of incoming shuttles could be seen, "Maybe not, looks like we have more incoming. Let's get inside."

Shepard hesitated as a twisting feeling of apprehension slithered through her, but James and Kaidan were already walking towards the facility and she had no choice but to follow behind them. She wasn't sure what it was that was making her feel so on edge; things had gone fine so far and if Jacob was with these people then they had to be on the level. For all his faults, Jacob had backed her decision to break away from Cerberus and he had as much to lose as they did if Cerberus caught up with them.

So why did she feel like she was waiting for the axe to fall?

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**A/N - I can't wait to bring Garrus back into the fold, but before that can happen there is going to be some very dark clouds for everyone to contend with. I won't go into details in case I give something away, but I'm excited and a little anxious about the coming chapters.**

**I hope you all enjoyed this. As always I'd love to hear what you thought of the chapter!**


	42. The Day The Whole World Went Away

_Disclaimer: I don't own Mass Effect_

**A/N - I'm so sorry this chapter is late! I'm completely overwhelmed at work at the moment, and I was unlucky enough to get migraines two days in a row. Thank you very much to the people who reviewed the previous chapter - I love reading your feedback and chatting with you all. I hope you enjoy this chapter!**

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The Gellix facility was smaller than James had expected, and it had a claustrophobic feel to it that made him uncomfortable. He sidestepped a security officer who, like the others he could see, was decked out in full armour and a breather helmet. The man was carrying a large, heavy-looking box of medical equipment and was followed by two scientists who were managing to simultaneously squabble with each other while yelling at the officer to be careful. He murmured a sorry to James as he brushed past, but the scientists ignored him completely as they piled into a shuttle and stowed their boxes.

Everywhere he looked there was activity; men and women in white coats were packing boxes while security helped with the lifting and carrying. His gaze settled on a woman who was crying on the floor as a medical officer scanned her. One of the security stood nearby and spoke to her in soothing tones.

"Please! My partner is dead! I just want to go and see him!" The woman sobbed, her distraught tones reaching James as he stood with Shepard and Kaidan. Rennah glanced at the woman in irritation and took a step towards her, but as soon as the woman looked up and saw her she started sobbing louder, "You!" She pointed a finger at her and started to pull herself to her feet, "If you'd arrived sooner, he wouldn't have died!"

"Ma'am, settle down. You need to be strong for your children." The security officer's voice was muffled by his helmet, and he moved fast and caught the woman by her arm, easing her back onto the ground and indicating for the doctor to sedate her.

The woman wailed as she was injected, and James felt a shiver go through him as she sobbed softly in the medic's arms and slowly went still. The security officer gave him a nod as if to say all was good, and they turned back to Jacob just as Brynn finished checking his wound.

"Commander Shepard, this is Dr. Brynn Cole." Jacob was still clutching his side, but he seemed less rattled than he had earlier. "She's formerly of Cerberus and the lady in charge."

"That makes two of us." Shepard smiled politely and extended a hand which the doctor shook. "We're going to try and get you out of here. The Alliance intel says you're Cerberus…"

"Ex-Cerberus." Brynn clarified with a frown, "And the Alliance is no doubt eager to get their hands on some of Cerberus' best people." She flashed Shepard a knowing look, "I'm _not_ naïve Commander; I know how this works. The Alliance will offer us safety in exchange for our skills, and we're in no position to turn you down."

James glanced at Shepard who was watching the other woman silently, her violet eyes unreadable and guarded, "No." She shook her head slowly and Brynn blinked in surprise, "We're not going to force anyone to work with us."

"But…?" Brynn looked at Jacob, clearly confused, "Then why are you here?"

"We're here to get you out, no strings attached." Rennah drew in a deep breath and a ghost of a smile crossed her face as she glanced around at the scientists packing, "Although I'm not saying that the Alliance wouldn't appreciate any help you can give us."

"Of course." The doctor blinked rapidly and forced a smile, "But I'm afraid getting us out won't be easy."

Shepard shrugged and looked back at Brynn, "Leave that part to us. Why don't you start by explaining how it is that you came to leave Cerberus in the first place, and give me the low down on the situation here?"

She nodded and straightened, "We were doing top level research for Cerberus using information gleaned from the Collector base, although none of us knew exactly what it was we were working on. They would split our teams or have us working individually on a small piece of the research. We'd get new variables as other people's research was completed."

"I'm sensing there's a 'but' coming." Rennah drawled and looked at the other woman expectantly.

Brynn nodded, " _But_ the scientists started to go missing once they'd completed their research."

"Missing?" Kaidan frowned and James found himself equally confused by the statement, "You mean they were reassigned?"

"No." Her brown hair shone under the lights as she shook her head, "They vanished outright. Completely gone. No emails, no contact with family, they just vanished. Killed, we think." She gestured for them to follow her and began to walk up the stairs and further into the facility as she continued talking, "Eventually a few of us got wise and decided to cut and run. I asked Jacob for help and he got us out."

"Lucky." Shepard jogged quickly up the stairs, "What the Illusive Man can't control he destroys."

Brynn paused and looked at Shepard with an expression that James couldn't quite decipher, but before she could reply, Jacob piped up, "Losing Brynn's team would have been a big blow to him. Most of the other top level scientists ran when she did."

"You must have known they'd find you eventually." James ignored the filthy look that Jacob threw in his direction as they reached the top of the stairs, "No matter how smart you are, The Illusive Man doesn't take betrayal lightly."

Jacob rolled his eyes, "You don't need to tell me what Cerberus is capable of…"

He was interrupted by two huge reverberating booms that sent all of them reeling as the floor trembled. The lights in the facility flickered and the air was filled with the cries of frightened people and the scent of fear as the booming sounds continued. The security officers tried to restore panic as several scientists dropped equipment and ran for the shuttles. One old and wizened looking man almost crashed into James as he scurried down the stairs, clutching a microscope and a data pad.

Shepard paused and looked around, her eyes hardening as she listened the sounds of Cerberus bombing them, "This is bad. We need to evacuate everyone _now_."

"Agreed." Jacob tried to straighten and then winced and grabbed his side, "But Cerberus has knocked out our AA-Guns and without them, we won't stand a chance."

"So we fix them." Kaidan unslung his rifle, "Point us in the right direction."

Shepard's former colleague shook his head, "It's not that easy. You're going to be facing some serious Cerberus opposition."

"Nothing new there." Shepard checked the thermal clip on her shotgun, "We'll fix the guns, Jacob. You stay here and prepare everyone for evacuation." She gazed around and James could almost see the wheels in her head turning as she noticed the sheer number of terrified people running around. "How many of you are there?"

"Forty three scientists, twenty four research assistants and our families…"

"Families?" Shepard choked on the word and interrupted Brynn, "You brought your families? _Children_?"

James felt his chest tighten and when he glanced over at Kaidan, the man had visibly paled at the thought of Cerberus getting their hands on kids. Running away from Cerberus as a big group was a stupid enough decision, but to drag their families with them was just idiotic. They would have been far safer to have split up and go into hiding as individuals, not saddled with friends and families who Cerberus could use against them.

"Of course." Brynn looked confused at her reaction, "We couldn't leave them behind."

"How many?" Rennah put a hand to her head and James wondered if she was as dumbfounded by their stupidity as he was.

The doctor hesitated, "Seventeen children, plus our partners and some parents…" Whatever she saw on Shepard's face made her swallow and she added weakly, "It's okay, we…we've already got them on shuttles ready to go."

James shook his head as he imagined what Cerberus would do if they got their hands on these people, "Holy hell…"

An especially loud explosion sounded from above them and the lights flickered again, "We have to get the guns online." Shepard looked at Jacob, "Where are they?"

"On the roof. I'll take you…"

"No." Brynn caught his arm, "Go and get checked out, Jacob. They'll get the guns." She gave him a gentle push towards the infirmary, "The AA-Guns are through that room and up a service ladder. The roof is crawling with Cerberus, so be careful." For a moment a shadow crossed her face and James thought she looked guilty, then it passed and she gave them a reassuring smile, "I'll get everyone organised to evacuate as soon as they're online."

"Good." Shepard wheeled around and strode towards the door that led to the room, James following with Kaidan at his side. They passed Jacob on their way, and the man looked at Shepard and half-raised his hand as though to get her attention, but she brushed past him without stopping.

James watched her as she walked purposefully towards the room that had access to the roof. It was painfully clear that she didn't care for Jacob, which was strange because he had the impression that they'd worked together when she was with Cerberus. Most of her crew from the Normandy SR-2 had become quite close to her, but this guy seemed to be the exception.

He automatically checked his grenade stash and switched his thermal clip over to Incendiary ammo, then followed her up to the roof. Unsurprisingly, he could hear the sound of troopers moving around as he reached the top and took cover behind a heating duct. Sighting down his gun, he lined up a Cerberus engineer in his crosshairs and held his fire as Kaidan came up behind him and moved to Shepard's side, crouching low and bringing up his barrier.

Cerberus was everywhere. They swarmed like ants over the roof as they activated shield pylons and reinforced key positions. James could see them up near the AA-Guns as well as loitering near the supporting structures, and in almost all the space between. It was a fucking nightmare. Even with the element of surprise on their side they would have a hard time getting through this many troops.

"Jesus, look at them all..." Shepard muttered as she began to radiate with a pale cerulean light, gathering her biotics in a wave that made James' skin prickle with awareness.

"These people are dead meat if Cerberus gets through us." Kaidan glanced over at James as he readied his own rifle with Cryo ammo, "They had no plan beyond hiding. For a bunch of smart people they're complete idiots."

James nodded, "I hear you, _amigo_."

"Let's get this show on the road." Shepard brought her shotgun up, "We'll sweep through and take them out bit by bit. Kaidan, knock out the turrets and shield generators, and James…" She glanced over at him and flashed a wicked smile that made him melt a little, "…shoot anything that has a Cerberus logo on it."

"You got it, Lola."

She was gone in a blue flash and James vaulted over the duct in time to see her smash into a group of soldiers, using her biotics to fling them aside as though they were nothing. He charged in firing, relying on his armour to keep him safe as Kaidan shut down the shield generator ahead of him and he was able to lob a grenade the troops who were hiding behind it. He took cover behind another large duct and ejected a thermal clip, waiting for the enemy fire to drop off before he sprung up again and mowed them down with his assault rifle.

As more troopers began to move towards him, using tower shields as cover, the only thing James could think was that this was going to be an absolute bitch of a fight…

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Shepard felt a satisfying crunch as she slammed her fist into the engineer's face, the force of the blow slightly numbing her hand and wrist. Blood spurted from his split lip and he stumbled backwards, dropping his hand gun as he clutched his face and spat out shattered teeth. She wasted no time in finishing him off with her shotgun; he'd been in the process of setting up a turret when she'd stumbled upon him.

"Got it!"

Kaidan stepped back from the second AA-Gun and flashed her a thumbs up as it rumbled to life and the rotated into position. With a final contemptuous look at the dead engineer, she radioed back to Brynn that the guns were online, then she led them back to the facility. The roof was a smoking wasteland filled with the bodies of Cerberus troops and the burning remnants of several Atlases, and she was glad to see the back of it.

They found Brynn and Jacob in the control room, the AA-Gun controls active and already firing at Cerberus shuttles. As they joined them, the first evac-shuttle was launched and a few minutes later the second shuttle was sent off, both of them making it clear and free as Cerberus continued to buzz the buildings. There was something satisfying about seeing those shuttles get away, and Rennah grinned as the remaining scientists cheered and high fived.

"Who's left?" She looked at Jacob and then at the remaining people. "If we're it, then we need to get out of here now. I can radio for a pickup, but it's going to be hairy."

He nodded without looking at her, instead glancing at Brynn by his side, "Yeah, we're it. Make the call and get them to pick us up on the landing pad where they dropped you off."

"I'm on it." Kaidan told her and moved off to contact Cortez, his amber eyes lingering on the ex-Cerberus scientists as he counted them.

Aside from Brynn and Jacob, there were three other scientists and a security team of six; a number that an Alliance shuttle could easily accommodate. Though with both the security and her own team in full armour it was going to be a tight squeeze. Still, it was better than staying around here and getting caught up in Cerberus' drag net, and she doubted if any of them would complain. 

Kaidan made his way back over to her, "Cortez is on his way, ETA two minutes. We've got this."

"Yeah." Inexplicably Shepard felt fear settle like a cold lump in her stomach, and she turned around to find James watching her, his brown eyes radiating concern.

"You okay, Lola?" He asked, his voice low enough that no one else would hear, "You seem on edge."

She shrugged, and fiddled with her shotgun, "Something doesn't feel right."

"You think they're going to try and overpower us on the way to the extraction point?"

"I'm certain of it, but that's not what's wrong. I just..." Rennah shook her head, unable to put it into words, "I'm not sure what I'm worried about, it's just a gut instinct that something isn't right." She tried to ignore the feeling of dread that enveloped her as the facility was rocked by another loud explosion and James carefully took her hand and gave it a squeeze, making sure that none of the Cerberus team were watching.

"We'll be on our guard." He murmured, dropping her hand and moving back casually as Jacob turned in their direction.

"We're ready to go when you are Shepard." Jacob pulled out an assault rifle and made a show of checking the clip as the security team around him did the same.

She took a steadying breath and nodded, forcing herself to ignore the tight twisting feeling in her stomach, "Let's do this."

The journey from the facility and across the landing pad was everything she expected and more; Cerberus troops were being dropped in almost as fast as they were taking them out, and an Atlas that was equipped with the same biotic disruptor as the one that had taken her down on Sur'Kesh, was stomping around. It was chaotic, more so than even the Skyllian Blitz had been. When troops got in their way she charged forward and knocked them aside, using shockwaves and novas where she could to clear a path for the others.

Finally, she broke through the wall of troops and, her heart hammering, she took cover on the landing pad as Cortez brought the shuttle down. James made it to her side, a deep cut on his neck oozing blood and together they covered the others as they sprinted into the shuttle. Jacob got their first and lifted Brynn and the other scientists up, then followed the security team in. There was no time to try and take out any more troops and Shepard pulled back and retreated to the shuttle with her team.

"Cortez, go!" Rennah felt James steady her as the hatch closed and they lifted off.

The silence was almost deafening inside of the shuttle as Cortez got them out of there and Shepard sank back against the wall with a sigh, closing her eyes and massaging her temples. All of her fear and apprehension had been about nothing. Cerberus had done their best to stop them, but they'd made it out of there anyway and they'd snatched their scientists right out from under their noses, to boot.

"You okay there, Shepard?" Jacob pushed his way through the security team to stand in front of her, a cocky expression on his face, "You're not getting old and tired on me, are you?"

"I'm just glad Cerberus didn't pull out some last minute trick. After the shit they've done..." She let her voice drift off as Jacob's face tightened and he swallowed hard, "Well," She shrugged, confused about what was upsetting him, "I'm just glad we got you out of there in one piece."

Jacob looked squarely into her eyes and nodded slowly, "Me too, things would have been bad for us if you hadn't shown up. Thank you, Shepard." With a nod, he moved back to stand with Brynn, putting an arm around her and hugging her close in a display of affection.

The flight back passed quickly and by the time they reached the Normandy, Shepard was feeling human again. The shuttle shuddered lightly as it entered the the docking bay, and she pushed away from the wall, eager to be back on her ship again. Once they landed, she opened the hatch and slipped down, glancing back as Jacob jumped down behind her and the security team crowded the hatch behind him, blocking the door as they jostled to get down.

Shaking her head at their eagerness, she took a step towards the armoury and was taken by surprise when Jacob caught her wrist and pulled her backwards. He twisted her arm painfully behind her back and stuck something sharp into her neck, giving her no time to struggle as he injected some kind of liquid. Without thinking, she brought her foot down on his and rammed her head into his face; the back of her skull smashing into his nose.

Jacob gasped and let go of her as he reeled away, and Rennah clawed at her neck, panic setting in as she pulling out the small inch-long tube that she recognised as a quick-release injector; the kind they used in battlefield med kits for pain relief. She stared at it in horror and then looked up at him, wondering if this was some kind of horrible joke. Distantly, as though a tunnel, she could hear the sound of fighting and someone calling her name, but she kept her focus on Jacob as he took a step back. _  
_

"What the fuck have you done, Jacob?" The tiny syringe clattered to the floor noisily as the room seemed to swing dizzily around her, and her hands started to feel tingly and numb. 

He stared at her with eyes that looked genuinely remorseful as she stumbled and fell to the ground, the lower half of his face a mask of blood that was streaming from his nose, "I'm so sorry, Shepard. They didn't give us any other choice."

Rennah felt her eyes begin to unfocus as whatever he had injected her with worked its way through her system. It was strong and it moved through her with lightning speed as she fell heavily to her side, her arms giving way beneath her. She could see the Normandy's shuttle looming above her, almost comically large from her perspective, but the room was spinning faster and she couldn't focus on it for more than a moment.

She blinked in confusion and tried hard to fight the warm, soothing drowsiness which was rapidly spreading through her body. Someone loomed over her and with difficulty she focused her eyes and saw that one of the security detail had leapt down and was crouched next to her. He cupped her face gently in his hands, turning it this way and that and clicking his fingers in front of her eyes as he watched her.

"Good work, she's almost out." The man pulled off his breather helmet and Shepard felt what was left of her mind freeze in horror as the face that had haunted her nightmares looked down at her.

His skin was tinged grey and his veins and capillaries were black beneath his skin, but it was his eyes that pierced through the numbness and made her heart thump painfully in her chest. One eye glowed blue like a husk's, while the other looked normal save for the faint orange glow emanating from deep inside of the pupil. A faint glow that she remembered seeing in her own eyes when she'd woken up after Alchera, and a glow which Chakwas said was caused by her cybernetic implants.

_Did Cerberus gave him a new eye?_

"Cain..?" She whimpered his name and tried to push his hands away, but her arms didn't seem to work anymore and with a shock she realised it was too late to save herself. She didn't know how he'd found her, or how why Jacob had helped him, but with each second that passed she could feel herself slipping further away.

"EDI..." It took everything she had, but as things started to go dark around the edge of her vision, Shepard managed to force a few more words from between her numb lips, "Lock down the Normandy..."

Then there was nothing.

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**A/N - Oh no! Poor Shepard! I hope you guys enjoyed this chapter, and as always I'd love to know what you thought!**


	43. Help Me I Am In Hell

_Disclaimer: I don't own Mass Effect_

_**Warning: this chapter has violence and torture! :(** _

**A/N – Saying that this chapter was hard to get through as a writer is an understatement. I can safely say that this is one of the hardest things I've ever had to write and I do need to thank tlcinbflo for her support and feedback.  
**

**I think a few of you suspected that this chapter was going to be very dark and would go some nasty places, and you were right. Keep your faith and read to the end - it will be worth it! Thank you as always to the people who reviewed!**

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"On your knees, now!"

Kaidan fell to his knees with a grunt as the security officer poked the barrel of his shotgun into his face, standing over him menacingly with his weapon aimed at his head. James was already on his knees, his teeth clenched tightly with pain and anger as he watched them drag Shepard's unconscious body across the floor and begin removing her amour. They hauled Cortez out of the shuttle and the pilot obediently made his way across the floor and joined them, letting them cuff him and then dropping to his knees without being asked.

Cerberus had taken them out faster than Kaidan would ever have believed possible. They'd waited until their guard was down and they had least expected a trap, and then they'd sprung into action. He hadn't even realised what was happening until it was too late for him to fight back. The security officers and scientists in the shuttle had turned on them so unexpectedly that Kaidan hadn't had time to defend himself when they'd tasered him, almost knocking him unconscious. When he'd come to his senses they'd already put him in omni-cuffs and had removed his amp.

James had put up more of a fight and had managed to kill one of the security officers before they'd subdued him and dragged him out of the shuttle. Blood ran down the side of his face from a gash on his head from where they'd hit him with the butt of one of their rifles, and his lower lip was busted and bleeding. With their guard down, they hadn't stood a chance, and all of Kaidan's hopes that Shepard would get them out faded when he saw her lying on the ground with that man looming over her.

He stayed quiet and listened as some of the Cerberus team worked over near the elevator, trying to force the doors open and override EDI's lockdown protocol. It made sense that Shepard had activated a lockdown before they'd taken her out; protecting her crew would have been at the forefront of her mind. It was also the one sure-fire way to stop Cerberus from hijacking the Normandy and hurting even more people.

Attempting to hack EDI or break through the door was useless; the only people who could override the lockdown was Shepard, Joker, EDI or himself, and he knew damned well that no matter what happened, no one was going to be idiotic enough to let Cerberus onto other decks of the Normandy. Whatever their plan was, they wanted to take as many of them alive as they could and Kaidan wasn't going to let that happen.

"Cain!" One of the officers walked over to the man who was clearly in charge. "It won't open. We've tried everything and the goddamned Cerberus hacks aren't working."

 _Cain_.

The man who appeared to be in charge, Cain, was the only one who'd removed his helmet, and like many of the other Cerberus troopers they'd seen, he resembled a husk. He bared his teeth angrily and then glanced over at Kaidan and his team, storming towards them and looking them over closely. His eyes raked over their insignia and with a growl he grabbed Kaidan by the neck of his armour and half lifted him off the ground.

He had a moment to wonder how this man could be that strong, and then Cain hauled him up and his eyes bored into his; one eye an inhuman glowing blue and the other an artificial orange. He grabbed Kaidan's hair with his other hand and pulled him forward, dragging him towards the elevator doors and slamming him against them hard enough that his armour creaked from the force.

"Listen up! I've got four of your people down here, and a hell of a lot of innocent people on our shuttles." Cain glared up at the camera above the elevator as he yelled, "I want to be clear that if any of you make any attempt to storm the docking bay, we _will_ start killing people. Now, unlock this fucking elevator _now_!"

Silence was the only response he got and Kaidan winced as Cain's hand tightened in his hair, "Fine. Major Alenko, would you be good enough to remove the lockout?" He focused his husk-like eyes on him, "You _don't_ want me to ask again."

"I can't." Kaidan lied, meeting his eyes straight on and not flinching when he slammed him hard against the wall, pain lancing through his head.

Cain shoved his face so close that Kaidan could smell his foul breath, "Bullshit! You're the highest ranking officer on this ship. Unlock it."

"I can't." There was no doubt in his mind that this man would kill him if he gave him any excuse to do so, but there was no way he was going to unlock the doors. The Normandy wouldn't be able to move while in lockdown, and the longer he delayed them, the more chance there was that Joker would get out a distress call.

"Okay, we'll do this the other way." Unexpectedly, he let go of his hair and armour and Kaidan fell to the floor.

With warning Cain rammed his armoured knee into his face, the force of the blow driving Kaidan's head back into the elevator door and cracking his cheekbone. Pain exploded through his skull and he tasted blood in his mouth as he slumped to the floor, dazed. For a moment he saw stars and was blinded by the shattering pain in his face and the back of his head.

Cain grabbed hold of his suit and easily picked him up again, peering into his face and grinning nastily, "I'm a reasonable man, so I'm going to give you one last chance to reconsider."

Kaidan focused on him silently and with difficulty he shook his head, "I can't."

"Have it your way, pretty boy." The other man grinned at him, as though he'd given him the exact answer he wanted.

Cain walked him back towards the others and slammed him on the ground; Kaidan's fractured cheek hitting the floor hard. He lay there, stunned and nauseated with pain, until he managed to spit out some of the coppery blood that was filling his mouth and glance around. Cain had walked over to a tool box, and Kaidan watched with a growing sense of dread as he rummaged around and pulled out a pair of pliers. He turned around with them, a broad grin on his face as he held them up and wiggled them in the air.

"Unfortunately the Illusive Man wants you alive and as undamaged as possible, but there are a few things I can do to make you reconsider opening those doors." He gestured for two of the security guards to pick him up, "Bring him over to the bench and hold him face down."

Kaidan couldn't bring himself to look at Cortez or James as he was picked up and roughly dragged away. He tried to resist them, but without his biotics and with his hands locked in cuffs, there was nothing he could do. His face throbbed painfully where Cain's knee had caught him, and the back of his skull thumped relentlessly as they pushed him down on the bench and held him there.

Cain grabbed his hair and rammed his face down onto the cold metal surface and held it there, "Any time you feel like unlocking those doors, you just let me know."

Pain exploded through his body as Cain fixed the pliers onto his amp port and began to twist. Kaidan jerked and screamed, desperately trying to pull away as he writhed in agony. It was as though his nerve endings were burning, or like his body had been dipped in acid. Logic and common sense abandoned him as the pain seared through his body and chased everything from of his mind except the desperate need to get away and make it stop.

He knew he was screaming, wordless sounds of agony, but he was powerless to stop himself. Abruptly, Cain removed the pliers from his amp port and the men holding him up let him go. Groaning in pain, Kaidan felt himself slide off the bench and to the floor, his limbs trembling as the fiery pain slowly receded and the room came back into focus again.

"…wouldn't be able to unlock the door. He might be the senior officer, but this is Shepard's command." Jacob was talking to Cain, his brown eyes wide and his dark skin pale, "If you keep going, you'll rip out his amp port and he'll be useless to the Illusive Man."

Cain glanced down at him as though he was insignificant and dropped the pliers, "So you're telling me that the only person who can deactivate the lockdown is Shepard?" Jacob nodded and he sighed, "That's…unfortunate."

He signalled for the two security officers to drag Kaidan back to the others and followed them over. They dropped him next to James, apparently not expecting him to stay on his knees like the others, which was good because Kaidan wouldn't have been able to if he'd tried. He could barely think straight, let alone control his extremities.

"Major? You okay?" James asked quietly as the Cerberus goons stepped away.

Kaidan managed to nod and he croaked a reply, "I'm peachy, Lieutenant."

Even speaking took it out of him and Kaidan slumped to the floor, watching as Cain stalked over to Brynn and seized her roughly by the arm. He couldn't hear what he said, but he shook her cruelly and pointed at Shepard. When Brynn didn't immediately move towards her, he hauled her over, Jacob following behind with a face that was pinched in concern.

Shepard had been cuffed, stripped of her armour, and was lying in her black shorts and tank top, her face peaceful and at odds with the horrors going on around her. As Cain dragged Brynn to Rennah and all but threw her down, he could hear him shouting at her to wake Shepard up or he'd make her sorry. The doctor seemed terrified but Cain left her there and began pacing back and forth as he opened up his omni-tool and read a message, clearly expecting her to follow his orders without question.

Kaidan looked up and saw that he wasn't the only one watching what was going on; both of the security guards who were supposed to be guarding them were distracted by Brynn. They laughed as she dashed tears from her eyes and retrieved a medical bag from one of the other shuttles, returning to Shepard and beginning to work on reviving her.

With the guards distracted, Kaidan realised that it might be possible for him to hack his handcuffs and get them off. It wasn't going to be easy, but without his amp he wasn't going to be able to use biotics, and his tech skills were the best chance he had to get free. He hadn't been put in charge of a special operations group without good reason, and if he could get out of them he'd have a fighting chance of stopping this.

Despite Cain's threats, Kaidan doubted very much if they would actually kill Shepard. 

Keeping one eye on the guards, Kaidan stretched out his hands and each finger, testing his movement and dexterity as he ignored the throbbing pain in his head. His fingers slid along the cool surface of the omni-cuffs and he only just stopped himself form smiling. _Good_. He could reach his cuffs, all he needed now was time to get them off.

"How much longer?" Cain had finished reading his message and he stormed back to where Brynn was working over Shepard, monitoring her heart rate and breathing as she injected her with a cocktail of drugs.

"Not long." Brynn cowered beneath him, completely terrified, "Give her a few minutes."

"That's all you get and then I start putting bullets into your boyfriend." Cain glanced across at Jacob meaningfully and then lowered himself down next to Rennah and brushed her hair out of her face.

Cain needed have worried though, within a minute Shepard began to stir and a few minutes later she was awake enough to begin to struggle. He pulled her to her feet himself, shoving aside the security officer who tried to assist him as he half carried her over to them. She almost immediately started to sink to the ground as her legs gave way and Cain gestured for one of his security officers to hold her.

"Wake up, Rennah."

Kaidan felt his skin crawl as Cain gently lifted her head up and forced her to look at him. Her eyes widened and she whimpered, pulling away from him wildly as though he was a nightmare and she wanted to wake up. When she didn't calm down after a few seconds he dealt her a hard slap across one cheek, the blow snapping her head sideways. She went still and for a moment Kaidan thought that she'd been knocked back unconscious, but then she slowly raised her head and looked at Cain with eyes that burned with hate.

Her gaze swept over her team on the ground in front of her, taking in their bloodied forms before she raised her eyes back to Cain, "Let them go." Her words were clear, but she spoke softly and her words ran together ever-so-slightly, as though she was still trying to get her mouth to work properly.

"No." Cain shook his head and pulled out his handgun, "You don't get to make demands. You get to listen and then you get to make a choice. Do you understand?" She glared at him silently and when she didn't answer he hit her across the face with his gun so hard that Kaidan saw James wince at the cracking sound it made. "Do you understand?" He repeated.

"Yes." She all but spat the word at him, "I understand."

"Good. Now, I need you to remove the lockdown on the Normandy and I need you to do it within the next fifteen minutes before our mutual friend Kai Leng arrives."

This time Shepard did spit at him, "Fuck you!"

He hit her again with his gun, almost casually, and then grabbed her hair and forced her to look at him, "You will remove the lockdown or I'm going to kill one of your friends here." He motioned at them with his gun and Kaidan felt his heart skip a beat.

"I'm not going to do it, so go fuck yourself!" Shepard was talking tough, but Kaidan knew she was scared; she always covered her fear with anger.

Cain shrugged, "You always have to do things the hard way, don't you? Fine." He let go of her hair and looked down at the three of them, "Well, I can't kill your pretty boy Major here because he Illusive Man wants him in the Phantom initiative with you, so I guess it's going to be a choice between your pilot and the Lieutenant." He used the barrel of his gun to scratch his head, some of his greying skin flaking away, "Do you have a preference? Actually no, don't answer. The lieutenant here managed to kill one of my men before we could disarm him, so I owe him one. Plus he's a big guy and I'm not sure I want to take the risk of keeping him alive when he's not a priority target."

Kaidan saw a flash of pure horror cross Rennah's face before she could hide it, but Cain was already facing James and he missed the look. Vega had gone perfectly still and there was no indication that he was scared save for his hands curling tightly into fists behind his back. His eyes were steely and determined and his jaw was set, as though he was hell-bent on not showing any emotion.

"Cain, don't!" The words burst from Shepard as Cain raised the gun and pressed the barrel to James' head.

He glanced back at her, seemingly amused by her plea as he lowered his gun, "I'm happy to stop, all you have to do it unlock the Normandy. I don't _want_ to hurt anyone, Rennah, but if you decide not to open the elevator door than you're choosing for me to kill him…"

"Fuck that, Commander." James looked up at her and a look passed between them, something that was too deep for Kaidan to read, "Don't let him win."

Her face tightened and she clenched her hands into fists, "James, I…"

"James?" Cain laughed, "Is that the sound of friendship I hear? Or something more?" He continued chuckling to himself as he circled around James, looking him up and down as though sizing him up, "Well, since he's so ready to be the big hero and die for the crew, the least I can do is make his death memorable."

Cain paused behind James and grabbed his arms, reefing them upwards and shoving the gun in-between the plates where his shoulder armour joined his chest plate. It was one of the few vulnerable spots in Alliance armour and though it was made a heavy duty material, it wouldn't stop a bullet. He held the gun there and then very deliberately looked back at Rennah with a smirk, "Shredder round into the chest cavity, that'll make a nice little mess, won't it? Your friend here will probably take a while to bleed out, and it won't be a nice way to go, but it won't be something you'll ever forget. So, do you want to reconsider the lockdown?"

Kaidan swallowed hard and redoubled his efforts to get the cuffs off his wrists, trying to be as quiet as he could while he hacked them. If he had been able to see what he was doing, he would have had them off already, but without his eyes to guide him it was a lot harder and nowhere near as simple a task as he'd assumed.

"Don't do it." James ignored the gun digging into him, and looked up at Rennah again, his brown eyes locked on hers as he shook his head, "It'll be okay."

She looked at him for a moment longer and then swallowed hard and raised eyes that were burning with hate to Cain's, "Fuck you! Unlock it yourself."

"Your call." Cain shrugged and fired the gun, the shot muffled as James jerked and let out a yell. He fell forward onto the floor, his body convulsing as he coughed blood and groaned in pain.

Rennah screamed, a heart-wrenching sound of despair, and struggled wildly to break free. She viciously kicked out at Cain and caught him in the face with one foot, her blow breaking his nose and sending him staggering backwards. He seemed dazed and almost fell as he put a hand to his nose to stem the bleeding; other security men running forward to restrain Shepard as she tried to get to James.

Cortez stared at James with wide eyes, watching as his friend writhed on the floor, blood quickly pooling around him. Vega's breathing was wet and thick, and foamy blood began to ooze from his mouth as he struggled to breathe. Slowly, James stopped twitching and his eyes drifted shut as he lay far too still and quiet. Kaidan felt bile rise up in the back of his throat and he swallowed the sick feeling and made himself look away.

Everything happened fast, one moment four security men were holding onto Shepard while she struggled and screamed curses at Cain, and the next thing Cain was at her side. His face was a twisted mask of rage and he dragged her from the security guards' hands, tossing her to the floor and kneeling over her as he wiped thick globs of blackened blood from his nose.

"You stupid fucking bitch!" He was ranting at her, screaming so hard that spit ran down his chin, "I was going to let bygones be bygones, but now I'll make you pay for every fucking thing you did to me." His glowing gaze focused on the security men around him, "Hold her down!"

Four of the men willingly obliged and dropped to the floor to restrain her, their bodies shielding her from Kaidan's view as Cain pulled a knife from his boot and then leaned over her. He saw them remove her cuffs and then pin her arms to the floor. For a moment he could only hear low talking as Cain whispered something to her, and then he moved his hands down to her chest and Shepard screamed in pain at whatever he did.

At first her screams were muffled, as though she was trying not to make a sound, but slowly they got louder and the security men had to work to hold her down as she fought to get free. He'd never heard Shepard scream like this before and the sound of her in pain tore at him in ways he couldn't describe. After a few minutes of her seemingly endless screaming, Jacob broke ranks and strode forward to catch Cain's arm.

"Stop it! You're going to kill her!" Jacob broke off as Cain wrenched his arm free and two Cerberus men dragged him back.

"Put him with the others and lock his bitch girlfriend into one of the shuttles with the rest of the traitors." Cain roared orders and then turned back to Shepard, "All fucking traitors! Just like you, Rennah!"

They brought Jacob over, cuffed him and made him kneel next to Cortez, then laughed and smirked as Brynn was tossed unceremoniously into one of the other shuttles. Kaidan had to fight back a wave of mind-numbing fear as Cain went back to work on Rennah and her screams filled the docking bay again. He couldn't afford to think about what they were doing to her; he had to concentrate on getting free and stopping them.

"I'm so sorry." Jacob looked over at Cortez and Kaidan, his eyes skittering over James' prone form, "They said they wouldn't hurt her and they didn't give us any choice."

Kaidan ignored him as he hacked the cuffs, he could feel he was getting close now. All he had to do was get free, take out one of the guards and get his gun. He dropped his eyes to the floor in concentration and inadvertently looked straight at James' body. It was too much, and he started to look away when he saw movement; it was only small, but James twitched and his fingers moved minutely.

_He was still alive!_

"I'm really sorry! I never meant for this to happen. Cerberus got here a full day before you did and took our families. They have all our children and were going to kill them unless we helped get Shepard! But I didn't know what they'd do! I'm so sorry!" Jacob was crying and he almost doubled over as he sobbed, the sounds of Shepard's screaming getting louder and more desperate.

Kaidan gritted his teeth and focused on the cuffs, he didn't care about Jacob's excuse; he was responsible for everything that was happening and if he got free he was going to make damned sure that he answered for what he'd done.

Shepard's screaming abruptly stopped and Kaidan heard her whimpering and crying helplessly. His heart twisted to hear it, but he forced himself to keep going. He had no idea how much time had passed, but he'd read Shepard's report on Kai Leng and he didn't want to let someone like that on board the Normandy. Cain was crazy and violent, but Kai Leng had the technical ability to actually do some damage to EDI if he got on board.

"Please, no…"

Shepard was sobbing the words over and over and the tone in her voice was that of someone who was close to breaking. Kaidan looked up despite himself, but his view was still blocked by the men holding her down. All he could see was Cain leaning over her with his knife up near her face. He made a sudden movement and Shepard screamed deafeningly loud, her entire body convulsing violently.

The scream went on and on until it was abruptly cut off and Shepard went still. There was a sickening wet sound as Cain pulled his knife free and the men who were holding her down let her go. For a horrible second Kaidan thought that she was dead, then Cain vaulted his feet and nudged her with his boot, shrugging and spitting on her before turning around.

"She's passed out. Someone get that bitch doctor out here to wake her up." He wiped his knife on the leg of his pants and put it back in his boot.

The security men jogged towards the shuttle and straight past him as Kaidan finished his hack, endorphins surging through him as his cuffs fell away with a low beep and he realised he was free. He forgot the throbbing pain in his face, and the fact that he was one man up again up against eight. The only thing in his mind was getting help for James and Shepard.

He stayed still and bided his time, watching the guards closest to him and judging which would be the easiest to overpower. He'd have to be fast; get his weapon, kill him, get to cover and hope to hell that Cortez wasn't shot up in process. Kaidan tensed, judging that the man closest to him was the best target. He was facing the other way and watching Cain, his gun held loosely by his side…

A shot rang out and one of the men who was standing over Shepard reeled backwards with a hole in his head, blood splattering across the floor as he fell. Kaidan couldn't see who had fired, but as all hell broke loose he launched himself forward and went for his target, snapping his wrist, wrenching the gun free and putting a bullet in his head before he hit the floor and fired up at the other guard. There were yells and confused shouts from all over the place, and from the corner of his eye he saw movement from high in the docking bay ceiling near an access panel.

 _Garrus_!

He said a silent prayer of thanks that the stubborn turian had ignored Cain's warning, and focused on getting himself to cover, firing at the other guards who were scrambling away. Garrus took out one of the Cerberus troops who was trying to get to the shuttle and Kaidan managed to shoot another in the back as he opened the shuttle's hatch. He saw Cain crouch down by Rennah's side and begin to pull her bloodied body into his arms, his knife back in his hands again.

Kaidan wasn't sure if he planned to use her as a hostage or if he was so hell bent on getting revenge that he wasn't willing to let her go, but he didn't get to find out. Shepard either woke up or had been feigning unconsciousness, and as soon as Cain touched her she grabbed the knife in his hands and pushed off the floor, twisting the blade free and plunging into his face with a scream of rage. Cain howled and let go of her as he blindly stumbled backwards, two of his remaining security team catching his arms and dragging him into the shuttle before Garrus or he could get a shot off.

 _Shit_!

They closed the shuttle's hatch behind them and Kaidan realised that they were probably going to blow their way out of the docking bay doors. He darted upright, "EDI! Release the lockdown and get the Normandy into Gellix's atmosphere before they blow the doors and space us all."

"Acknowledged." EDI sounded determined, and although Kaidan couldn't tell if the Normandy was moving or not, he suspected that she and Joker were working to get them there as quickly as they could.

He sprinted back to Cortez's side and removed his cuffs, "I'm going to see what I can do for James, I need you to help Shepard. If you can move her then get her over here, but keep an eye out for Cerberus."

"Yes sir." Cortez took a gun from one of the dead guards and jogged to Shepard, who had collapsed back to the floor.

Kaidan switched his attention to James and took his hand, squeezing it tightly as he checked for a response, "Hey Vega, can you hear me? Come on buddy, squeeze my hand or make a sound."

Although he could hear the faint wheezing sound of his breathing, the lieutenant didn't respond and Kaidan moved his attention to his suit. It was one of the newest models of heavy armour, which meant that it had a medical VI installed in it to administer medigel and run battlefield first aid as needed. It took a few precious seconds, but he was able to access the VI program through James' omni-tool and he scrolled through the readouts.

The suit had administered a huge dose of medigel into the wound, draining it's reservoirs completely in an attempt to seal the wound and stop internal bleeding. It noted the presence of foreign bodies in his internal cavity, which Kaidan knew would be the fragments from the shredder round. One was lodged near his heart, another was up near his opposite shoulder and two were in one of his lungs, which explained his laboured breathing and foamy blood.

Worryingly, it showed that James had gone into cardiac arrest twice since being shot, although both times the VI had successfully used the armour's built in AED to restart his heart. Kaidan transferred a clone of the medical VI over to his omni-tool so he could monitor James' condition and then sat back on his haunches. There was nothing he could do for James right now. The only thing they could do was get him to the infirmary as quickly as possible so Chakwas could remove the shrapnel and hopefully repair the damage.

Cortez lifted Shepard and carried her over, and Kaidan kept his gun trained on the shuttle's hatch in case it opened, "She's messed up bad, Major." The pilot reached him and gently lay her down as the shuttle's engines started up. It was difficult, but Kaidan ignored it and focused on Shepard's injuries.

Rennah was obviously awake and in agony, and she curled up with one hand clutched to her chest and the other pressed tightly to one side of her face. There was blood everywhere and he could see that they'd cut a word into her chest, although he couldn't read it because her arm was in the way. The cuts were excruciatingly deep and he could see the white of bone and the orange glow of cybernetics in the wounds.

Her face was covered in blood, and as Kaidan touched her shoulder, Shepard shied away from him and he saw that she was pressing one of her hands tightly to her eye. Blood was oozing from under her hand at a pace that suggested that she had a deep wound, and with a sick feeling he realised that Cain had probably cut out one of her eyes.

He pushed the image form his mind and touched her shoulder more firmly, "Rennah? Can you hear me?"

"Yes." She hissed the word between tightly clenched teeth and moved so that she could look at him, "James…?"

"He's alive, Ren." He got out of her way so she could see him, "But he's…"

"Major!" Joker's voice came through the speaker and interrupted him, "We're in the atmosphere and we're going to open the bay doors. It might get a little windy, but you should be fine. That asshole is powering up the shuttle's weapons and I want those doors open before they put a hole my ship."

"Do it, Joker."

The Normandy's pilot needed no more urging and he opened the outer docking bay doors. Kaidan and Cortez both swore as the air rushed in and their ears popped painfully at the change in pressure. The wind was fierce and it buffeted against them wildly, catching several smaller crates and blowing them out the doors. The shuttle's engines glowed a white-hot blue and it shot forward out the doors, disappearing into the skies of Gellix and leaving the other two shuttles behind. Kaidan felt a rush of anger pulse through him and he wished fervently that he'd had something bigger than a hand gun so he could have taken more of them out.

They deserved to die for what they'd done.

The doors closed and Kaidan looked back at Shepard. She was still clutching her face, but her one good eye was focused on James and she let out a small sound of pain as she took in his pale waxy skin and blood flecked lips.

"James!" She reached out with one had to gingerly touch his face with trembling fingers, smearing his cheek with her blood, "Oh God, what have I done?"

As she moved, Kaidan saw that Cain had carved the ward TRAITOR across the upper part of her chest, the word stretching from armpit to armpit and in letters that had cut into her collar bone and touched the tops of her breasts. Shepard didn't seem to feel any pain as she sobbed and tried to take James' hand, blood running freely from the wounds and dripping down onto the deck.

He wanted to reassure Shepard that it wasn't her fault and that James would be fine, but he knew that it would be a lie and so would she. She had made the choice to let this happen to James. It was a choice that Kaidan would have made too, and one which he knew that _she_ would make again, but it didn't make it any easier for her to see the man she loved so close to death.

The elevator doors opened and Chakwas and Liara rushed out with a stretcher, making a beeline for the injured. Tali, EDI and several of the armed officers were with them and they secured the docking bay and the other shuttles while the doctor checked James and Shepard over. As Kaidan had suspected, Cain had gouged out one of her eyes, but Chakwas deemed James the most critical and loaded him onto the stretcher to get him up to the infirmary.

"Shepard, I'm sorry!" Jacob sobbed quietly as they rushed James away. He was still cuffed and kneeling, and he watched them with a snot and tear streaked face.

Garrus had climbed down from the access panel and stalked across the floor to kick Jacob to the ground, his mandibles flaring angrily, "Fuck being sorry!"

Kaidan felt a flash of revulsion and hate go through him as he thought of what Jacob's actions had cost them, and when Shepard pulled the gun from his hand and struggled to her feet, Kaidan didn't try to stop her. She limped over and stood in front of Jacob, slowly raising the gun to his head as he climbed back to his knees; pressing the barrel hard against his forehead. She wavered unsteadily and Garrus moved to her side, steadying her.

A voice inside of Kaidan screamed at him that Jacob had only been trying to protect innocent people, but that voice was drowned out by a louder and much more furious voice that reminded him of the way Cain had mutilated and tortured them. He wanted Jacob to die, and for the first time in his life Kaidan felt no compunction to try and save someone who appeared to be a good person who'd made a bad choice.

_He deserved to die._

"Please! They took our families and gave us no choice…"

"I don't care." Shepard growled the words and pulled the trigger without any hesitation, putting a bullet in Jacob's head and watching coldly as he slumped to the floor; his head leaking brains and blood onto the deck.

She dropped the gun to the ground and wavered again, collapsing against Garrus as her body gave in to shock and blood loss. The turian picked her up and they accompanied him up to the infirmary with her, Kaidan trying not to stare in horror at the bloody crater in her face where her eye had been. She would be fine, he knew she would be okay, but he couldn't help but worry about James and what Rennah would do if he didn't make it.

A few weeks ago he wouldn't have battered an eyelid if James had been killed on a mission, now he was filled with dread at the thought. Even though they had started out enemies and their friendship was new, James _was_ his friend and he was also the man that Shepard loved. Any idiot could see that, and Kaidan didn't want her to have to go through the pain of losing the person she loved like he had.

* * *

**A/N – *Makes a sound of pain and curls up* Oh James! All the sad face emoticons in the world can't express how much it hurt to write this chapter! Luckily the next chapter should be finished soon and it will be much lighter! Although...Cain did get away and will no doubt be lurking somewhere on the Horizon! ;)**

**Feedback is welcome!**


	44. The Trick Is To Keep Breathing

_Disclaimer: I don't own Mass Effect_

**A/N – Wow. I actually can't thank you guys enough for your support and feedback on the last chapter. An especially big thank you to my reviewers: tlcinbflo, mrosera, StckMan, Jules Hawk, ella11, Candle in the Night, spacecats, Zombie Husk, ZieraVakarian, kelleytastic, Galactic Alien, Blausen, Samolfran, Simone the Reaper Hunter, Impslave, That Flying Eagle, Nicniviean, Rodgers Corner, Sophie Shepard and Watcht0wer.**

**Now, I'm on holidays at the moment and that means that I should be updating a little more often! I will also be writing some new fics - I've even decided to rewrite my Shega oneshot _Say Something_ into a longer fic, which will be fun! **

**Enjoy this chapter!**

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Shepard woke up slowly, drifting in and out of consciousness as snatches of conversation and sound fluttered on the edge of her waking mind. Her head felt swollen, like it was stuffed full of cotton wool, and there was a throbbing pain on the right side of her face that was getting worse with every passing moment. Despite having her eyes closed, she could see flickers of light and shapes every now and again, and with great effort she tried to open her eyes.

Everything was blurry and when a human-shaped mass appeared over her with something long in its hand, an overwhelming wave of terror rushed through her. Memories of being held down and helpless as Cain lowered the knife to her eye burst forth and Shepard tried to lash out and scream. _She had to get free and get away!_ Despite her efforts, she couldn't even lift an arm; her body was heavy and clumsy and all she did was twitch slightly and whimper.

"There is significant damage to the optic nerve…" The figure above her paused as Shepard tried to move again, "Shepard? Bloody hell, I think she's waking up! Give her another dose of the sedative before she hurts herself…"

Things began to get cloudy again and Shepard felt her body become languid and tingly. Dimly, she realised that she knew the voice; Miranda. Although what Miranda would be doing on the Normandy was a puzzle to her, but if she was here then Cain must be gone. Another dizzying wave of lethargy passed over her and Rennah let it slowly pull her away, forgetting all about Miranda and Cain.

Her final lingering thought, as the sucking darkness drank her down, was of James.

* * *

"Stop scratching, Commander."

Rennah had been fading in and out of consciousness for an unmeasurable amount of time. Sometimes she tried to open her eyes and look around, but mostly she'd stayed still and slept. The pain in her head was gone, but her entire body felt weak and her face was numb. She didn't want to wake up; she could smell disinfectant, blood and the nose-wrinkling tang of medi-gel, and that meant she was in a hospital.

"I said, stop scratching!" The voice was sharper and more authoritive and the hand that Rennah had been absently scratching at her chest with was forcibly pushed back to the bed, "There, now stop that or you'll open up those cuts again."

The word 'cuts' brought everything rushing back; being knocked unconscious and waking up, seeing her friends bloodied and beaten, James being shot, Cain grinning as he sliced into her eye and then a clumsy and confused memory of shooting Jacob. She didn't linger on the memories of Cain cutting out her eye, they were too vivid and even thinking about them made her body tremble and her heart pound. It was safer to think of the others and push thought of herself to the side.

"Where…" She managed to croak out one word before her voice dried up and she coughed, then tried to work some spit into her dry mouth.

"I'll get you some water, hang on." Chakwas sounded close by, and Rennah heard her put something down and walk away.

She tried to open her eyes but there was something on her face and she could only open one. Her vision was blurred and unfocused, and Shepard struggled not to panic as more and more memories of what had happened to her swam to the surface. Fear slithered through her body ceaselessly and it was only with a great deal of self-control that she made herself stay calm.

Rennah blinked her eye slowly until her vision cleared; she was on the Normandy, not in a hospital as she'd assumed. She gingerly reached up to touch her face and felt the rough texture of a pressure bandage covering her right eye and a good portion of her brow and cheek. She could remember the horror of Cain holding her eye open as he slowly cut into it, and the memory made her jerk and instinctively press her hand over the bandage.

Chakwas appeared with a plastic container and a straw, and Shepard squashed the memories down as she reached out and took the water with a thankful nod. She took a small sip, swishing the water around her mouth before she let it trickle into her parched throat, then she took another sip and then another. She'd woken up in hospitals from serious injuries often enough to know that if she tried to drink too much too soon she'd likely be sick _and_ have the water taken away.

When she was done she started to sit up, but her head hurt too much, her chest felt tight and itchy and a roll of nausea swelled in her stomach, so she sank back against the bed. She looked around carefully, ignoring the pain in her head as she focused her eye on her surroundings and noticed with surprise that Miranda was standing at Chakwas desk and speaking into her omni-tool. The sight of Miranda filled Shepard with dread; her injuries must have been bad if Chakwas had got hold of her.

"Where is…" She coughed again and took another sip of water before she continued, her throat protesting each word she forced out, "Where is James? Is he…?" Shepard couldn't bring herself to say the word _dead_ , although it hovered unspoken in the air around them.

Chakwas watched her for a moment and then a ghost of a smile crossed her lips, "He's on the Citadel in surgery. He's doing well, but he hasn't woken up yet." She pulled a chair up and sat by Shepard, patting her hand comfortingly, "He's still critical, but he's fighting and he seems to be winning."

Rennah nodded, not trusting herself to speak as relief flooded her body and tears strung her eyes. That James was alive and was in a hospital getting help was the best news she could have hoped for. He was a fighter and he _would_ be fine and _would_ pull through, she knew it in the same way that she'd known James was the right man for her; it was instinctual, a gut feeling that was so strong she couldn't ignore it.

"Kaidan's on the Citadel at Huerta too. His amp port was slightly damaged, but he's fine and he's been discharged." The doctor squeezed her hand tightly, "He and Garrus are taking turns staying with James when he's not in surgery. They figured it was what you'd want."

"It is. No one should wake up in hospital alone." Rennah's voice was still hoarse and she awkwardly cleared her throat. She could still remember waking up back on Earth after being shot; opening her eyes to see James watching her with a wistful look on his face that had made her acutely aware of how cute he was.

"You're awake. Good." Miranda closed her omni-tool and made her way to Shepard's side and peered at her, "How are you feeling? Sore? Sick?"

Rennah considered her body before she answered, "I don't have any pain, but I feel nauseous."

She nodded, "That will be the anaesthetic and sedatives. You'll be fine, but you'll probably be in some pain when the local wears off."

"How bad is it?"

There was something in Miranda's eyes that made Shepard's blood ice over even before she answered. Her blue eyes crashed against her violet ones and Rennah could see a determination in them that could only mean she was steeling herself to deliver bad news. Nothing good could come from losing her eye, and if it was bad enough that Miranda had come in, then the chances were good that the damage had been very bad indeed.

The brunette sighed and sat down on the edge of the bed, exchanging a quick look with Chakwas, "I've done what I can, which is more than I could do for most people, but your friend with the knife wasn't careful and he did a lot of damage to your optic nerve." Miranda didn't flinch as she continued, "I'm not even sure how much you know about your own body, Shepard, but your eyes were real enough. Organic, I mean. Your optic nerves were synthetic though, and they were connected to the labyrinths in your ears via a VI interface which controlled your sight and balance."

"I remember having trouble keeping my balance when I shot Jacob." Shepard was surprised at how calm she felt saying those words, especially given how angry she'd been when she'd killed him.

"That would be why. The synthetic nerve was badly damaged and the feedback would have made it hard for you to stay upright. You're lucky that your asari Shadow Broker was able to track me down as fast as she did or things might have been even worse for you." The ex-Cerberus officer sighed and then seemed to gather herself, "Chakwas removed what was left of your eye and had Liara call me to help with the synthetics. I've disabled your optic nerve on your right side and have adjusted the optic VI program to hopefully compensate for the loss of vision. Your range won't be as good as it was, but my program should help with your visual acuity and depth perception."

"But my balance will be fine and I'll still be able to fire a gun and fight?" Shepard was trying to ignore the screaming voice in her head that was panicking at the mere thought of having to take a backseat in the war.

Miranda scrubbed at her eyes and nodded, "Your balance will come back, but don't expect things to be fantastic straight away." She opened her deep blue eyes and fixed Shepard with a stern look, "You'll need to get used to your limitations. There may be some side effects too. Possibly ongoing balance problems, as well as headaches and visual disturbance, but I'm confident they'll fade."

_Limitations._

_Meaning she was crippled._

Shepard swallowed down the bitterness that came with that word and continued keep an iron hold on the screaming panic that was swelling inside of her chest. _Her life wasn't over_. There was no point in blowing her top and ranting and raving as she once would have done. Especially not when she felt this close to despair. If she lost control of her emotions, even for a second, she'd be gone and then she'd be a crying, frightened wreck.

"You can fix it though, in time?" Shepard glanced from Chakwas to Miranda and didn't miss the look they exchanged, "I mean with synthetics and tissue cloning technology, there must be something you can do?"

"I don't want to get your hopes up." Miranda couldn't meet her eyes and she glanced down at their hands instead, "Your eyes are a mix of synthetic and organic parts and getting a new eye isn't as easy here as it would have been with Cerberus. Tissue cloning can grow a new eye but it won't integrate with your optic nerve. You could get a synthetic eye made up and installed but that would take months." Her voice was angry, as though she was furious with how helpless she was, and her hand tightened around Shepard's, "Cerberus had a stockpile of spare parts they had grown especially for you in case you lost a limb or an organ, if I could get my hands on one it would be simple. But…short term this is your only option. I'm sorry."

Rennah clamped down on her disbelief and made herself nod, keeping her eyes and face neutral as though she wasn't bothered by the news, "Okay, not the answer I wanted, but I'll live with it." She forced herself to smile, wanting to alleviate the tension and disappointment she could see in _their_ eyes.

Miranda seemed to accept this and she gave her hand a final squeeze and stood up, "I'll use all of my Cerberus contacts to try and get you an eye Shepard, but the chances are…"

"Not good, I know." She nodded and kept her eyes light, forcing the smile to stay on her lips even though the scream was still building inside of her chest. "Thank you."

She dropped Shepard's hand and stepped back, "I'm going to check in with Liara, but I'll be back later to run some tests and access how your body is handling the changes."

They watched her go and then Chakwas claimed her attention as she stood up, "I'm not sure how much this will mean to you, but thanks to the medbay upgrade I was able to fix the cuts on your chest and the one big cut to your face."

A memory of the knife cutting through her eyelid and grating along her cheekbone flashed through her mind and Shepard jumped before she could stop herself. The memory was raw, fresh and for a moment she'd felt like she was back there again, helpless while the knife sliced through her skin. Desperately, and without any conscious thought, she mentally battered the memory away and clamped down on her thoughts so that her mind was clear.

"That's good." Rennah latched hold of the topic of conversation, "I don't even know what he did to my chest."

She wanted to add that she'd _felt_ every moment of it, and explain that they'd held her down so all she could do was lie there and scream while Cain had hovered about her, spitting obscenities as he cut into her face and chest. But if she started talking about it then she might not be able to stop. It was safer to stay clinical and factual, to ignore her feelings and fears and lock them away until she was alone.

"He cut the word ' _traitor'_ into you." Chakwas looked grey under her makeup, "I fixed it while you were out using the same procedure I used to hide your scars prior to us going through the Omega Relay. You're not healed yet, but the heavy skin weave I used is strong and once it's set there shouldn't be any scarring."

"Good." Shepard nodded and forced some warmth into her eyes, "Than you, Karin."

"It's the least I could do." The doctor seemed relieved at Shepard's good humour and returned her smile, "Now, if you're feeling up to it, you have some people outside who want to speak to you."

"I was hoping to go to Huerta and check up on James…"

"Out of the question, I'm afraid." Chakwas' look was stern, "Maybe tomorrow if your scars have healed and your balance is better, but for now you need to rest. If there is any change in James' condition, I'll let you know."

Rennah sighed and tried not to look too disappointed, "Fine."

Chakwas chuckled at her petulance as she walked over to the door to let her visitors in and Shepard redoubled her efforts to get control of her emotions. The honest truth was that she didn't want to see her friends right now. She didn't want them seeing her like this and she didn't want to have their pity or their concern lumped on her.

"Commander?" Joker's head appeared in the doorway and he shuffled in awkwardly, closing the door behind him and looking down at the floor as though unable to meet her eyes.

Rennah watched as he made his way across the room and slowly lowered himself into the chair that Chakwas had vacated, squeezing his hands into fists as he finally raised his eyes to hers. His eyes were bloodshot, his skin was pale and he looked shattered, as though he hadn't slept in days. Shepard's heart instantly went out to him and she forced her own concerns to the side as he adjusted his cap twice, fidgeting as though unsure of what to say.

"Joker, you're looking rough." She grinned weakly at the surprise in his eyes at her joke, "Anyone would think that…"

"Stop it." His voice was firm and Rennah let her words fade at the anger in his tone, "Stop acting like you're fine." Joked adjusted his cap again, almost compulsively, and looked at her with pain in his eyes, "Before I say anything else, I…I have to apologise."

Rennah blinked, "Apologise for what? None of this is your fault."

"I let Cain get away." He dropped his eyes and Shepard saw his eyes glisten, "When his shuttle left I started to target it, but I didn't know if there were civilians on board and I couldn't…" He drew in a deep breath and a tear slid down his cheek, "I didn't fire on them. I'm so sorry. I should have just destroyed it while I had the chance, but I wasn't thinking clearly."

A wave of bitterness and anger rose like bile at the back of her throat and Rennah quickly looked away from Joker before he could see it, "It's not your fault." She managed to force the words out without sounding insincere, "If I'd been in your place…"

"You would have blown them out of the sky no matter what." Joked looked up and his hand found hers, squeezing it lightly, "Don't act like you're not angry with me."

"I'm _not_ angry with you." Shepard sighed and returned his light squeeze, "Yeah, I'm disappointed that you didn't fucking blow him away, but we'll get our chance to finish him off. One way or the other I'm going to see him dead for _this_." She let go of Joker's hand to gesture at her eye.

The Normandy's pilot winced as he looked at the bandage on her face, his expression so torn up that Rennah knew she had to keep up a brave face for his sake, "When he was hurting you, I…" Joker's breath caught in his throat and he wiped his eyes in a frustrated move, "I tried to be strong like you would be, but hearing you screaming was too much." He took a deep breath and more tears trickled down his face, "I couldn't keep listening and I turned the sound off. I'm so sorry. I'm such a coward."

Joker began to cry in earnest and Shepard awkwardly touched his arm, her touch hesitant half because she was having trouble judging distance and half because she wasn't used to comforting others. She could empathise with him and what he'd gone through; to have been stuck in the cockpit, watching, listening and completely helpless, would have been an entirely different sort of horror, but no less frightening.

She tightened her grip on his arm, "Joker, you're one of the bravest people I know." He raised his brown eyes to look at her, his expression remorseful, "You took us through the Omega Relay and you went up against Sovereign. You are _not_ a coward, and I won't stand for the pilot of my ship to talk about himself that way." She toughened her voice and met his expression head on, "Do you understand me?

He nodded slowly, "Yes, I'm just…"

"No more feeling sorry for yourself. There was nothing you could do to help us or stop Cain. You got us to the Citadel and got help for James. That is the only thing I would have asked of you." She took a steadying breath and hoped that Joker would accept that she wasn't angry with him.

"Commander, I…" He looked on the verge of tears again but the door to the medbay opened and Jack strode in.

She came to a stop next to them and glowered at Joker, "I was supposed to see her first and you've been in here sobbing long enough. Get out."

Joker nodded slowly and wiped the rest of his tears away as he tugged his cap down over his eyes, "Yeah, I'm going. Feel better soon, Shepard."

To her surprise, Joker leaned down and kissed her on the cheek, his own face flushing red as he pulled back and hurried from the room. Jack rolled her eyes and dropped into the chair, her gaze tracing over Rennah's injuries as she leaned forward to rest her forearms on the bed.

She poked Shepard lightly in the side, "How are you doing? And be honest, because I'll know if you're lying."

"I'm fine."

"Liar." Jack chuckled at her audacity and reached into her coat, pulling out a small package which she held in her hands as she talked, "That was some fucked up shit that happened to you all."

Rennah nodded and almost made a sound when that small movement made the room spin around her, "Yeah. How did you find out about it?"

"Alenko." Jack actually looked embarrassed, "We've been, uh, chatting via the extranet and I caught up with him at Huerta when he was discharged." She glanced up and scowled at Rennah's amused expression, "Don't say a fucking thing, Shepard."

Rennah felt a genuine smile cross her face as Jack squirmed, "I think it's cute."

"Fuck you." Jack's scowl deepened, "I don't do cute."

Rennah managed to struggle up into a sitting position and she shrugged, pleased that Jack wasn't sobbing in her seat and heaping sympathy on her. "Look, despite what happened between us, I like Kaidan. He's a good guy and if you two like each other, than go for it."

"I don't know. I guess I like him…" She paused and shook her head as she realised that Shepard was deliberately leading the conversation away from herself, "…but I came here to see you in all your invalid glory, so stop making this about me." She tossed the packet on Rennah's lap and then settled back with her arms crossed defiantly, "I got that for you. I always said you'd make a good pirate."

Shepard opened the lightweight packet and looked curiously at the gift that Jack had brought her; it was a black eye patch with a stylised skull and cross-bones on it. For a moment she just stared and grinned, then she began to chuckle, and then to laugh uncontrollably. The idea of wearing an eye patch and being a pirate, especially when she _had_ technically stolen the Normandy like Jack had always wanted, seemed far too amusing.

Unfortunately the laughter opened a floodgate of other emotions and before Shepard knew it, she was laughing so hard that she had tears pouring down her cheeks. She found herself crying as the other emotions she'd been holding at bay, the despair and fear, snuck through and the unfairness of what had happened to her finally bubbled up. She had a blurry glimpse of Jack looking shocked as her laughter turned to tears and then her friend was on the bed with her tattooed arms wrapped tighly around her.

"It's not fair!" Shepard returned the hug and clung to her friend desperately as she sobbed, "I couldn't fight them, I couldn't stop them, I just to lie there while he…" Her voice broke and she buried her face in Jack's shoulder as the horror overwhelmed her. Memories of screaming and crying as Cain took his time cutting into her eye swept over her and she cringed and closed her eyes tightly, "I'm not fucking alright." She admitted in gasps between her tears, "I don't want this."

"I know, Ren and you shouldn't have to, but fucked up things happen." Jack traced soothing circles on her back, her touch surprisingly gentle and at odds with the anger in her voice, "You're going to be okay though, because you're a fucking tough bitch. You're stronger than Cain and you're going to be okay."

"But what if…"

"Fuck the _what ifs_!" Jack pulled away and looked into her face with an intensity that made Shepard squirm, "I've been there. I've been the one they held down and tortured and hurt. I know it's bad." Jack clenched her teeth and shook her head as though to dispel her own memories, "But you have to just use it and make them pay. Don't listen to the people who tell you to cheer up because at least you're still alive. Fuck that. Use the anger to find him and rip his fucking head off."

Rennah tried to feel angry, but a wave of despair and uncertainty poured over her, "I _am_ going to make him pay, but…"

"But what? You're not as pretty as you used to be? You're worried about not being as good at kicking ass anymore? Come on, having one less eye won't stop you from doing either of those things. The Cerberus cheerleader said you'll be fine, and she's too fucking prissy to lie about something like that." Jack abruptly let her go and grinned at her, "For the record, I think you'll look pretty hot with an eye patch on. Now toughen up, princess."

Shepard laughed and wiped her eye, "You're right. Thanks, Jack."

"Hey, anytime you need someone to yell at you, I'm your girl." She hesitated and her brown eyes softened, "Just don't dwell on it. Deal with it however you want; scream, cry or blast something with your biotics, but don't dwell on it. You can't change what happened but you can kick the shit out of the guy who did it to you."

Rennah nodded and squeezed the eye patch tightly in her hand. Jack was right; she had to stop feeling sorry for herself and focus on getting better and going after Cerberus. She wasn't the first person to lose an eye, and if Zaeed Massani could shoot a fucking gun with his ugly mug and blind eye, then so could she.

And at least she'd look good doing it.

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**A/N – That's it, get angry Shepard! The next chapter is all about James and I should have it out by the end of the week. Thanks for reading and I hope you enjoyed it!**


	45. Through The Pain

_Disclaimer: I don't own Mass Effect_

**A/N – Wow! This chapter took it out of me. It was going to have Steve in it, but I had to edit him out and leave him for the next chapter. There was too much angst! A huge thank you to my reviewers for being amazing! And a special thank you to Nicniviean for helping me with my Spanish! Enjoy!**

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_Pain_.

It was the first thing that James could really wrap his head around as the anaesthetic started to wear off and he came to; he was in pain. _A lot of pain_. He felt like he'd gone a couple of rounds with a Reaper and come off second best. His chest was hurting with a deep painful ache that seemed to seep into his bones, and if he took anything more than a shallow breath he felt sharp pains through his body.

He groaned and opened his eyes, gritting his teeth against the agony as he looked around and realised that he was at Huerta Memorial on the Citadel. The room seemed similar to the one which Shepard had been in after Sur'Kesh, only instead of being a nice private room, it was crammed full of beds and wounded soldiers. No one was making much noise, but every now and again one of the injured would let out a whimper or a moan of pain.

Slowly, he moved his head so he could look around properly and almost sighed in relief when he saw Kaidan sprawled in a chair next to him. The Major was dozing lightly with his arms folded across his chest. He seemed paler than usual with dark circles under his eyes, and James felt his chest constrict with fear as he remembered what had happened to put him in the hospital.

Those Cerberus assholes had jumped them all in the shuttle when they'd least been expecting it, and then they'd tried to take Shepard and the Normandy…

" _Madre de Dios_!" James swore quietly as he remembered being shot; the excruciating pain in his chest, the seemingly endless struggle to breathe and the sound of someone screaming...

James pushed back against the memory, clenching one of his hands into a fist as he made himself shove the horror to one side. He needed to think clearly! Not let himself get buried under the bad stuff that had happened like he had on Fehl Prime! He was still alive and somehow he was on the Citadel, so something must have happened while he'd been unconscious. Had Shepard saved them somehow?

Although his head was still woozy, he fought off the desire to go back to sleep and he struggled to sit up. As he did, the wires and electrodes that were stuck to him tangled together and several were knocked off. He frantically tried to reattach them as an alarm began to sound and Kaidan woke up with a start, appearing to be half asleep as he sprung to his feet and looked about wildly. Several of the wounded soldiers groaned unhappily as a nurse flung the door open and stormed towards James, a fierce expression on her face as she realised he had knocked them off himself.

"What do you think you're doing?" She screeched unhappily as she reattached them, "Just because you're built like a krogan warlord, doesn't mean your nervous system is redundant too!"

She forced him back onto the bed with firm hands and straightened the wires, checking his blood pressure and bringing him some water with the same stern look on her face. Kaidan stayed out of the way, an expression that was half-amusement and half-relief on his face as the nurse declared he was doing fine. She berated him for moving and then left again to get a doctor, mumbling something about cardio specialists and ignorant soldiers.

Kaidan dropped back into his chair, his usually clear eyes muddied as his smile faded and he reached out to very gently clasp James' shoulder, "It's good to see you awake, buddy. You had us worried."

James wanted to crack a joke and be his usual light-hearted self, but there was something in the way that Kaidan was looking at him that made James keep his mouth shut. Alenko had the look of a man who was steeling himself to deliver bad news, and he felt his chest tighten as he realised that Shepard wasn't here. She should have been, right? If she'd been hurt then nothing would have kept him from her side at the hospital, so where was she?

"Thanks, but where's Shepard?" His voice was rough and gravelly, but James ignored the painful rasp in his throat and the water the nurse had brought him, fear tightening around him even more as Kaidan avoided his eyes and took a deep breath, " _Dios_! Cain didn't take off with her did he?"

"No, she's…okay." Kaidan still didn't meet his eyes and he didn't sound at all convincing. Rather than alleviate his fears, it made him feel even worse and James reached out and grabbed Alenko's wrist, trying to make him look at him.

"Then where is she?" James winced as his voice rose and cracked from stress.

Finally Kaidan glanced up and met his eyes, shifting awkwardly on his seat, "She's on the Normandy. She's fine, but she got…hurt."

"Hurt? So why isn't she in hospital? It can't be that bad if she is on the Normandy, right? What happened?" James knew he was talking too fast, but he couldn't slow himself down. He wanted to grab Kaidan and shake him until he told him what was going on.

His friend stood up, pulling his wrist from James and agitatedly pacing in the small space next to his bed. He ran his hands through his hair and scrubbed his face, occasionally looking at James with this look of intense fear that sent shivers through him. He couldn't think of what might have happened to make Kaidan look like this, but he could _imagine_ all sorts of things and none of them were at all nice.

"She, uh..." Kaidan stopped pacing and sat back down with a deep breath, "Oh man, I'm not even sure how to say this, but Cain took a knife to her…"

"Holy hell!" James flinched as he remembered the screams he'd heard as he passed out, "How bad is it?"

"Bad." Kaidan rubbed his hands over his eyes again and let out a sound that was almost a groan of pain, "I fucking tried to get free in time to stop him from hurting her, but I was too slow…"

"Major!" James grabbed his hand, squeezing it tightly and articulating every word clearly. "What did they do to her? Tell me!"

Kaidan nodded and slowly seemed to find the words, "He cut into her chest and carved the word traitor into her." James flinched and closed his eyes as he imagine a knife cutting into Rennah's perfect soft skin, "But, uh, he did more."

"What?" He didn't want to know what would make Kaidan look so sick, but he had to know what they'd done to his Lola.

Alenko seemed to gather himself to spit it out, but at the last second he crumpled forward and put his head in one hand, his other squeezing James' tightly as he forced the words out through gritted teeth, "I don't even know how to say this, but I'm so sorry, Vega. He cut her eye out."

James swallowed hard and desperately fought off the nausea that was sweeping through his body as Kaidan's words sank in. The thought of that fucking monster violating her in such a way made him want to scream and break things, but he held his anger in until his vision blurred and his ears rang. He couldn't imagine the pain and terror of having someone cutting you up with a knife, let alone cutting out a body part.

"Vega, I'm so sorry. I got my cuffs off as fast as I could, but I was too slow. I'm so fucking sorry." Kaidan was babbling and sounded on the verge of tears, his face was pale as he relived whatever he'd seen or heard while Shepard had been tortured.

James closed his eyes and made himself count backwards from ten as the rage rose up inside of him in waves. He wanted to find Cain and hurt him. He wanted to hurt him in ways that he'd never even considered hurting someone before. Kneeling there and listening to Kaidan scream while Cain had tortured him had been bad enough, but then they'd woken up Shepard and things had definitely become worse.

When Cain threatened to shoot him if Rennah didn't hand over the Normandy, James had been ready to die. Shepard would never have handed over the Normandy, so he'd had tried to lift the burden off her shoulder by letting her know that it was okay. There had been no fear in his mind as he'd looked up at her, only the knowledge that if he died, he'd be dying for her.

"Kaidan, how is she handling…"

"Oh, you're awake." Garrus came in carrying coffee and he nimbly stepped between the wounded and handed a cup to Kaidan, pulling up another chair, "They didn't think you'd wake up for another few hours. You're a tough bastard, Vega."

"Thanks." James swallowed hard, trying to steady his thoughts and stop his mind from imagining a sharp knife on soft skin. "Kaidan told me what they did to Shepard."

"Yeah, it was bad, but I saw her this morning and she's doing well." The turian narrowed his eyes and a small whistling growl escaped from him. "That man was a monster, but Shepard's doing fine. Don't worry about her; she's even tougher than you are."

James let himself smile at that, although he noticed that Kaidan didn't; he just seemed to huddle around his coffee as though he was cold. The guy was clearly in shock and needed to talk about what had happened to him. He could only imagine how awful it had been for Kaidan, having to try to stay calm while they'd shot him and then tortured Shepard.

"I know she'll be fine." James worked hard to keep his voice steady as he looked back at Garrus, "I just…"

Alenko shook his head and looked at them both, "She shouldn't have to be fine! She shouldn't have to deal with what he did to her. If I'd just been a little faster…

James frowned, "Kaidan, you keep apologising to me, but it sounds like you're the one who saved her. I should be thanking _you_."

The Major shook his head again, almost frantically, and let go of James' hand to grip the arms of his chair, "Jesus, James! Don't thank me! After all the shit I put you and Shepard through, you should fucking hate me."

"I don't hate you, _mis amigo_. We've had out differences but we're square…"

"No, we're not." Kaidan looked ill and his brown eyes flashed guiltily, "I've been sitting here and wondering if you were going to live or die for the last few days, and I've had a lot of time to think about how awful I was to you." He ran a hand through his short hair and sighed, "The one thing I could have done to make up for what I did, was to keep Shepard safe after Cain shot you, and I couldn't even do that."

"Kaidan." Garrus shook his head warningly, "You need to accept that there wasn't anything else you could have done. The doctors here were shocked that you were able to function at all after what Cain did to your amp port, and you did more than anyone else did to help Shepard. Without you getting free they would have dragged her off. You need to stop blaming yourself."

The Major shrugged and looked back at James, "Maybe, but I still need to apologise for what I said and did to you both. You're a _good_ guy and there's no excuse for the way I treated you." He drew in a deep breath and closed his eyes, "I was a jealous idiot. I'm sorry for what I said in the docking bay and everything that came after. You had every right to want to punch my lights out, especially after I kissed Shepard…"

"You kissed Shepard?" James almost sat upright at that and winced as his chest wound pulled right, "What the fuck?"

"She didn't tell you?" Kaidan's eyes widened and he went even paler. He looked like a drowning man as he took in James's honest surprise, and he cleared his throat awkwardly, "That explains why you never took my head off…"

"No, she didn't tell me!" James clenched his teeth as his chest began to ache badly as he was again forced to control his temper, "What the hell, man? I thought we were friends!"

"We are! But this was in the docking bay, you know, after our fight when you went up to her room? I didn't plan it and Shepard was really fucking angry at me for it! She almost threw me off the ship. Shit, man. I'm sorry…I wanted to put things right, not make them worse."

Garrus made a snickering laughing sound, "To be fair James, Shepard only kept it from you because she thought you'd kill Alenko."

"You knew too?" His voice cracked again and James glowered as Garrus' mandibles twitched into a smile, "You son of a bitch!"

"She wanted to know if I thought she should tell you." The turian snickered, "I said yes because I wanted to see you give Kaidan a thrashing, so of course she did the opposite and kept it to herself."

"Hey!" Kaidan glared at Garrus angrily, "I thought we were okay?"

"Sure we are, but that doesn't mean I don't think you deserve a beating for what you said on Horizon." Garrus' sub-harmonics had an amused sound to them and his eyes sparkled with merriment as he glanced back at James, "In all seriousness, Vega, Shepard was probably right to worry about you two getting into a fight. You're as a big as a krogan and Alenko's a spectre. It'd be an entertaining fight to be sure, but you'd probably wreck half the ship."

James rolled his eyes and was tempted to deny any such thing, but he could still remember how furious he'd been at Kaidan that day and how much he'd wanted an excuse to knock his teeth down his throat. He really had _hated_ him with a fiery passion in those days and, given the chance, he would have gladly tossed him straight out of the airlock.

He looked across at Kaidan, who looked so guilty that James felt the corners of his mouth twitch, "Ah, fuck it. I probably would have punched you in the head and got myself court marshalled if I'd found out. Apology accepted." He held out his hand and Kaidan shook with obvious relief on his features. "Although if you ever kiss her again…"

"If he ever kisses me again, I'll punch him." His threat was interrupted by an amused drawl from the door to the room, "Or Jack will."

He looked up with his heart in his mouth as he saw Shepard standing in the doorway, smirking as she eavesdropped on their conversation. She was wearing her BDU bottoms with her N7 hoody and James instantly wished he wasn't bed ridden so he could hold her in his arms and kiss her. Rennah looked like she needed some TLC; she was paler than usual, her cheeks were gaunt and, like Kaidan, she had dark circles around her eyes.

 _Eye_. James mentally corrected himself as he took in the black patch that covered her right eye. He tried not to stare at it too much, but it was hard to tear his eyes away when it was so obvious. It was heartbreaking to see such an physical sign of what Cain had done to her, but James kept that emotion from his eyes as he smiled at her. Rennah hated sympathy and he guessed that she'd probably had more than her fair share of it over the last few days.

Shepard wasted no time in moving to his side and leaning down to hug him, engulfing him in a faint cloud of her spicy warm scent. Her lips were trembling as she kissed him twice and then pressed her forehead against his and drew in a deep breath. James opened his eyes to find her watching him, her single eye a dark indigo as she drew back and almost reluctantly turned to face her other friends.

"Thank you, Kaidan." She wrapped her arms around him and hugged Alenko before he could say anything.

It was strange, watching her taking her ex-lover in her arms, but as Kaidan's lower lip trembled and he hugged her back, James couldn't feel even an ounce of jealousy.

"I'm so sorry that I didn't come to see you when you woke up..." Kaidan hesitantly raised a hand to her face and studied her eye patch.

James blinked at that statement; had they not seen each other since she'd woken up? Had Kaidan stayed in the hospital with him the entire time he'd been out? Considering that they'd only recently patched up their differences, it was good of him.

"It's okay." Shepard hugged him again, her arms smoothing over Kaidan's back as he mumbled something against her shoulder, "I'm fine. You saved me."

"But your eye…"

"I'm fine." She looked up into his face and managed a smile, "I'm not going to win any beauty contests anytime soon, but Miranda says she can fix me with a synthetic eye once this war dies down. Until then I'll be fine. Now, I'll stay with James for a bit. I want you and Garrus to both go and get some sleep."

Garrus nodded and took Kaidan's arm, "C'mon, Alenko. Let's leave the lovebirds to catch up."

Shepard waited until they'd left before she said down on the edge of his bed and lifted the sheet to look at the gunshot wound in his side. She didn't say anything as she probed the area with gentle fingers, her hands tracing what felt like hideously bad bruising.

"Are you in pain?" She pulled the sheet back down and moved around to the other side of his bed, crawling onto the bed and cuddling up next to him as though it was the most natural thing in the world.

James wrapped one arm around her and ignored the throbbing pain his chest at the movement. He could take pain, especially if it meant having Shepard pressed against him.

"A little." He admitted quietly, not wanting any of the injured soldiers in the room to overhear what was a private moment between them. He dropped a quick kiss on the top of her head, "Are you really doing okay?"

Rennah was silent for a moment and then she shook her head and rolled over to burrow against him, "No." She whispered quietly, "But I will be."

"Good."

There was another longer pause and she sighed, "I'm sorry I got you shot."

"It wasn't your fault." James glanced down at her, but she had buried her face against his neck, "I made the call."

"I would have done it anyway." He could feel tears against his neck and she sniffed, "I'm sorry."

James cursed the injury that stopped him from hugging her properly as he rubbed his cheek against the top of her head, "I would have done the same if our situations were reversed. We're soldiers and this thing between us can't get in the way of that."

She nodded again but didn't say anything else. James accepted her silence and held her, though he knew they'd have to talk about what they'd gone through sooner or later. For now it was enough just to have her here, safe and on the road to recovery. Shepard would talk about what had happened to her when she was ready, and he'd listen and help her through it as best he could.

"Cain got away." She moved enough so she could look up at him, her face so full of doubt and fear that James instantly wanted to kill the bastard who'd put it there.

He smiled at her, trying to be warm and reassuring despite the cold fury burning inside of him, "We'll get him, Lola, and when we do I'm going to fucking rip him limb from limb for hurting you."

"Not if I get to him first. Then there won't be enough of him left to fit into a bucket."

"In that case, I hope we find him at the same time so we can both make him pay." James could see her expression changing as the doubt gave way to an anger that was a perfect complement to his rage, "The fucker won't know what hit him when the full fury of the Normandy rains down upon him."

"Amen to that." Rennah's hand found his and she gripped it tightly, "Cain's a dead man, James. He just doesn't know it yet."

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**A/N – I feel like this ended on a happy note. There is still a lot of issues for them all to work through of course, but they're sticking together like a family! Let me know what you thought!**


	46. Kiseki No Umi

_Disclaimer: I don't own Mass Effect_

**A/N – Merry Christmas everyone and I hope you have a wonderful new year! Thank you to everyone who read and reviewed the last chapter – it means a lot to me! I'm afraid I'm deviating from the ME canon a little and playing on something that happened in Paragon Lost. I hope you all enjoy this chapter!**

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James finished tying his boots and straightened, wincing as he did some gentle stretches to test out what hurt the most. His bullet wound had closed over thanks to the recovery gels that the hospital had used, though it sent a sharp pain through him when it pulled tight with some movements. It was his internal injuries that seemed to be giving him the most trouble; a deep throbbing whenever he breathed too deeply and an unpleasant sharp pain in his chest if he did anything too fast.

The shredder round had done a number on one of his lungs and had nicked his heart, but other than that it had mostly just ripped up tissue and muscle in his chest, for which James was incredibly grateful. He should be dead. Not many people walked away from a point blank gunshot wound, let alone from a shredder round. The damage would heal quickly so long as he took it easy for a few weeks and didn't push himself too hard, though that was easier said than done.

Technically he should have been in hospital for at least another few days, but Huerta needed the bed for the injured pouring in and the Normandy's facilities were more than adequate. So he was being discharged under strict orders to avoid strenuous activity and keep off the active combat list for two weeks. Being stuck on the Normandy for the next few weeks while Shepard ran around with Vakarian and Alenko wasn't something that he was looking forward to, but at least he knew they'd keep her safe.

He gathered his things and left the bathroom, ignoring the eyes of the other soldiers as their gazes burned into him. Not only was he well enough to leave, which they envied, but he knew they were dying to ask him about Shepard. Every time she came in they stared at her covertly, each of them obviously trying to decide if it _was_ Commander Shepard, and if it was, what she was doing with a grunt like him.

"Ask him!"

One of the soldiers near the window hissed at the one next to him, and James had to hide his grin as the man turned to face him, "Vega, we have to know, is that Commander Shepard's who'd been, uh, visiting you?"

"Commander Shepard?" Vega grinned and slung his duffle bag carefully over his good shoulder, "Nah, that's my girlfriend Lola."

The man near the window narrowed suspicious green eyes at him, "It fucking looks like Shepard!"

James shrugged and had to hide his wince as his wound pulled sharply, "Yeah, she gets that a lot. But you must have noticed that Lola has an eye patch and the last time I saw Commander Shepard on the news, she didn't have one of those."

_Nicely done Vega._

He'd known this would happen from the first moment that Shepard had come to visit and had wriggled into bed with him, although at the time he'd been too relieved to have her close to him to care. Now he was wondering if maybe he should have said something to her, perhaps warned her that the marines he shared his room with were probably going to blab and things would get around.

Of course, it was entirely possible that Shepard just didn't care.

"Shit. I was all excited." The marine by the window, who was missing half of one leg, grumpily slapped the bed and frowned at the ceiling, "She's got to be the best of the fucking best, I was going to ask for her autograph."

"Forget her service record. Shepard's a fucking babe." The marine who'd spoken up first smirked at his buddy, "What I wouldn't give to get a piece of that action."

"You're telling me."

The marines laughed and James had to force himself to relax the muscles in his body which had involuntarily tightened at their comments. They had no idea they were talking about his Lola, and honestly, they probably would have made the comments anyway. After all, how many times had he sat around on Fehl Prime with his buddies having similar conversations; dreaming of meeting Commander Shepard and discussing the finer points of her physical makeup?

Thinking of it now made him cringe.

"Well, I'll see you boys later." James waved a friendly hand and fought to keep his emotions off his face as the talk turned even filthier amongst their shouted farewells.

Although he would have loved nothing more than to go straight to Purgatory and have a drink, James took the elevator up to the Embassies. He'd received a priority message from Admiral Hackett earlier in the day, asking him to attend a meeting in Udina's old council office once he was discharged from the hospital. There was nothing in the message to indicate what Hackett wanted to see him about which, quite frankly, made James a little nervous.

He couldn't imagine too many things that Hackett would want to see him about, but those he could were to do with Shepard, the Cain incident or being given a new posting.

With a few minutes to spare, he paused down the hall from the Earth Embassy doors and feigned interest in his omni-tool as a roll of nervousness churned through his stomach. What the hell would do if he was given a transfer to another ship? He'd follow orders, sure, but the thought of being away from Shepard and the Normandy, of not playing some vital part in things to come, felt wrong…

"James?"

He looked up, startled as Shepard came out of the Spectre offices and the two guards outside of the Earth Embassies opposite her straightened to attention. She came down the hall towards him looking angry and on the verge of tears, an expression which he'd seen on her face far too often since the Cain incident. Something had obviously happened to push her this close to crying, and he wondered with a shiver if they were going to strip her of her Spectre status.

Surely not?

James trailed his eyes down her as casually as he could looking for other clues, noticing the lines of stress creasing her forehead and the dark circles under her eyes that makeup couldn't quite hide. Her shoulders were squared and angry and her hands were clenched tightly into fists. There was a tension to her body which made him want to pull her aside and hold her until she relaxed, but he couldn't do that here, so he watched and waited as she made her way to him.

"What are you doing here?" She caught his arm as she drew level and pulled him to the side of the corridor, out of the way of the foot traffic. There was a defensiveness in her voice that James didn't like, and he wondered if she thought he was checking up on her.

"Hackett." He said by way of explanation, opening his omni-tool and forwarding her the message he'd received, "You know what this is about?"

She frowned as she read it, "Maybe. The Admiral debriefed me a few days ago about Cain and Cerberus." Shepard drew in a deep breath and nodded, "So it's probably that. Hackett knows the whole story about Cain."

"I hope it's just a debrief." He flashed her a nervous smile, wishing they weren't in public so he could touch her. "I was having nightmares about being posted to another ship."

Rennah laughed, her face lightening as the stress vanished and she reached up to clasp his shoulder in a friendly fashion, "Hackett has to put in a notification to me before he can transfer your sorry ass away, and he hasn't done that, so you're safe."

Her touched helped to chased the nervous tension from his stomach, and he looked down into her face and returned her smile. God she was beautiful. Even with an eye patch on she looked stunning, and James wasn't quite sure how she managed it. Sometimes he thought he'd narrowed it down to the shape or her eyes or the curve of her cheek, but maybe it was just that everything about her was gorgeous.

"So, uh, Spectre business?" He asked, pointing back the way she'd come.

The smile faded from her face and she crossed her arms defensively as her gaze darkened, "No, I was doing some target practice in the training room. Miranda said the more I practice, the faster the new AI program will calibrate."

"Oh, how'd it go?" James knew she'd had a rough time by the angry aura she was exuding, but he was curious as to how badly she'd done.

"Shit."

The tone in her voice and the biotic flash in her eye made it clear that that was as much information as he was going to get and James hastily raised his hands, "Sorry Lola, I didn't mean to pry."

Shepard had dropped her gaze to the ground but she raised her head as he spoke and forced a smile on her face, "No, it's fine. If it was anyone else asking I'd rip them a new one, but you get a free pass, Jimmy."

" _Gracias_." He inclined his head and grinned, "It's because I'm cute, right?"

"What can I say? I'm a sucker for a pretty face." Rennah managed a smile, "Actually, I shouldn't be so hard on myself. I'm not going too badly, all things considered, I'm just not as good as I used to be." She sighed, "Long range I'm about the same as ever, but close range moving targets are a different story. Fuck. Even with my biotics I'm having trouble hitting things."

"It'll get better, Lola. At least you can work out, I can't even do that! They banned me from "strenuous physical activity" for two weeks." He stepped closer and flashed her his most charming smile as he lightly touched her arm, "Hey, how about dinner later? We can complain at each other and eat!"

"Sure, I have some business to do down on the refugee area, but I'll be free in a few hours. Come get me when you're done and we'll get some chow." She glanced around and then leaned closer with a suggestive look on her face, "Although I have to ask, you haven't been banned from _all_ physical activity, have you?"

For a moment James thought he was going to blush, but he recovered quickly and returned her smirk, "You flirting with me, Lola?"

"You know I am, Jimmy."

Rennah winked as she stepped back, the anger and frustration gone from her face, "Good luck with Hackett and try not to be late. He _hates_ it when people are late."

She whirled around and strode away with a wave, scattering officials and dignitaries before her as she stalked through them without so much as an apology. James grinned as an asari matriarch shrieked angrily as Shepard pushed past her, and then made himself close him omni-tool and walk in the opposite direction. Hackett was waiting, and after speaking to Shepard he was eager to talk to him, especially if it helped the Alliance catch Cain.

The two marines on guard details straightened as he approached, and after verifying his identity they waved him in and closed the door behind him. Udina's office was far larger than James expected and he let out a low whistle as he took in the view of the Citadel from the balcony. The only other place on the Citadel that had a view anywhere near as nice was the view from the Keeper platform that Shepard had taken him to on their first date…

"Lieutenant Vega."

Hackett's gravelly voice interrupted him and James turned sharply, stood to attention and saluted, intensely embarrassed that he hadn't seen him sitting at Udina's desk. Thankfully, the Admiral didn't seem in the least bit grumpy at his lapse in protocol and he waved him over, his grizzled face set in its usual no-nonsense expression.

"At ease, Lieutenant." He nodded at him and turned to look out at the view, shaking his head, "It's almost laughable that while we lost billions of people on Earth, Udina was sitting up here like a king in a castle, and he still wanted more."

"Some people always want more, Sir." James tried not to squirm as Hackett turned his cold grey eyes on him again.

"That they do." He gave him a long measured look, "I suppose you're wondering why I asked you here?"

Trying not to look nervous, James met his eyes without flinching and nodded, "I assumed it had something to do with the situation that happened on the Normandy with Cerberus and Cain…"

"So Shepard told you about Cain?" The older man's eyes hardened and his mouth tightened, "She doesn't normally talk about her history with the Reds. How much has she told you?"

"Permission to speak freely sir? And off the record?"

Hackett nodded, "Granted, Vega."

"She told me enough to know that Cain needs to be caught and stopped before he comes after her again, and enough that I want that bastard to pay for what he did."

A sliver of amusement crept over the Admiral's face, "She must trust you a great deal if she told you about her past with Cain."

James shrugged and tried to look nonchalant, "I hope the Commander trusts me, Sir. I was her guard for six months and I'm part of her ground team on the Normandy."

"Do you know my history with Shepard, Lieutenant?"

It was an abrupt question and Hackett's tone was blunt and to the point.

He nodded, "I know some of it. The Commander told me that you and Anderson helped her get through her Alliance training."

"It's a little more complicated than that. I have a personal interest in Shepard because I knew her father." Hackett sighed, "We fought together in the First Contact War. He was a good friend and an excellent soldier. Shepard has done him proud despite what those animals did to her as a child."

Hackett had been friends with Rennah's father? It certainly explained why the Admiral had taken such a keen interest in Shepard's career and helped keep her safe while she was incarcerated on Earth. However, it didn't explain why the Admiral was telling him all of this, and the look in his eyes was making James more and more nervous.

"Commander Shepard is an amazing woman."

Hackett unbent enough to chuckle, "It must be nice to finally get your wish." When James blinked in confusion and said nothing, he elaborated, "You and Shepard."

_Me and Shepard?_

Vega was thankful that his military training was sufficient that he didn't blush or fidget uncomfortably as his mind went plummeting to the gutter, "Yes. Working with Shepard on the Normandy is..."

"…not what I was talking about." Hackett shook his head with an expression on his face that implied James was being young and naïve. He took a seat and indicated for him to sit as well, "The rumour mill works fast, Vega, and your infatuation with Commander Shepard is obvious to anyone who's spent more than five minutes in your company."

James said nothing as his cheeks burned.

"But since I don't want the hassle or paperwork of transferring you to another ship and dealing with the shit that Shepard would throw my way, I'm not going to ask you to confirm or deny the rumours. I'd prefer to stay ignorant and just remind you about the importance of keeping your personal life separate from your professional life." Hackett levelled a stern look at him that made James shift uncomfortably in his seat. "Unofficially Vega, she's been through more shit that any one person has any right to. The Reds, The Skyllian Blitz, Akuze, Cerberus and the Alpha Relay, none of those things were her fault, but she cleaned up the mess and paid the price emotionally for all of them. Treat her good."

"Yes, Sir." James nodded and wondered why he felt like a teenager meeting his girlfriend's father, "If I may ask, why was I assigned to Shepard on Earth? There must have been other candidates who were as qualified and with equal experience who weren't as," He swallowed hard carefully phrased his next words, " _Personally invested_ in Shepard."

Hackett guffawed and his grizzled face almost shone with amusement, "We wanted someone like you with Shepard because you _were_ personally invested in her. Besides, you were good for each other. She needed someone to believe in her and you needed someone who could get your mind back in the game after Fehl Prime."

"So you did it for both of us?"

"The two of you had similar traumatic experiences with the Collectors, and you'd both just made decisions that cost the lives of thousands. It seemed fitting to put you together, and it worked." He snorted with amusement, "I'll be honest, Anderson and I both had our reservations about your enthusiasm for Shepard, Lieutenant, but you'd only ever shown yourself to be a professional and dedicated marine. We trusted you to do your job."

"Thank you, Sir."

Abruptly, the smile vanished and Hackett switched back into Admiral-mode as he picked a data pad off the table and held it out, "Okay, back to business. These were your orders prior to being assigned as Shepard's guard on Earth. Had you stayed on Earth, you would have been transferred to a new posting, and I'm sure I don't have to tell you where."

James felt his stomach lurch as he remember receiving his promotion, commendation and invitation to attend N-School after his actions on Fehl Prime. At the time, he hadn't wanted a bar of it and had fled to Omega where he'd drowned his sorrows in booze, poker and women. Not his finest hour, but after the horrors he'd seen and the choices he'd made, the last thing he'd wanted to do was attend N-School.

Of course, all that had changed after guarding Shepard for a few weeks. Even though she'd been a complete bitch to him, she'd been impressive enough that he'd backtracked and accepted the invitation to attend the ICT Program at N-School. He'd never told Shepard that she'd inspired him to follow in her footsteps, and once the Earth was attacked he'd given up on his dream of reaching any of the N designations.

James chased the memories away as he took the pad and looked at it; the red, white and black N7 logo staring him in the face as he nodded and tried to ignore the nervous twitch in his stomach, "I was supposed to be reporting for my N-School training in Rio. But I was officially transferred to the Normandy after Mars…"

"I know, don't worry. I'm not about to send you packing to Rio." The Admiral's eyes lowered briefly and James thought he saw sadness flash through them, "No point now anyway, our training facilities were some of the first hit by the Reapers. The ICT program is dead in the water and most of our training officers are MIA, presumed killed."

"Not to be blunt Admiral, but if the training program is dead, then what am I here for? I doubt that you're going around telling all of the N-School candidates that schools out." James heard the antagonism in his voice and inwardly cringed.

"I appreciate bluntness, Lieutenant, it saves me dallying with pleasantries." Hackett smirked and suddenly stood, forcing James to look up at him, "Honestly, there is nothing in our training facilities that could have simulated the situations which you have already found yourself in. In terms of leadership and combat training, what you've been through on Fehl Prime, Sur'Kesh, Tuchanka and Rannoch have shown that you're more than deserving of an N designation. There are no official channels for the ICT program anymore, but we are grandfathering you into the program as officially as we can."

James followed the Admiral to his feet, blinking as he tried to take everything in, "Are you saying…?"

"Congratulations, Lieutenant Vega, you are officially being awarded the N7 designation." Hackett handed him a packet which, when James opened it, contained an official document and a requisition form for N7 weapons and armour, available on the Citadel. "There aren't many soldiers who have seen the kind of action you have. Hell man, you were on Tuchanka and Rannoch when Shepard took down those Reapers."

Dazedly, James shook his head to deny that claim, "Technically, a thresher maw took down one Reaper…"

"Semantics." Hackett waved his hand in the air, "Don't look a gift horse in the mouth. This isn't the usual protocol, but since we have a war going on and the chances of the N-School facilities running again in the next ten years are slim to none, we're grandfathering a few outstanding marines into the program, and you just happened to be top of our list." His grizzled face twisted into a grin as he took in James' shock, "Well done, Vega. You've been to hell and back more than once, and you've proven that you're a hell of a marine and more than deserving. You're dismissed."

"Thank you, Sir." James straightened to attention and saluted.

The pain in his chest and side vanished as he slid the packet into his duffle bag and backtracked from the room in a daze, completely thrown by what had just happened. His first instinct was to contact Shepard and tell her the good news, but as soon as he opened his omni-tool, he closed it again as a better idea occurred to him. The batarian Galak owed him a small fortune after being beaten in their last three poker games, and James happened to know that he was scraping a living down on the refugee deck doing tattoos.

He couldn't think of a better way to celebrate his new designation than with some new ink!

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**A/N – Any excuse for a tattoo, huh James? I'm sure Rennah will agree! I hope you all enjoyed this chapter! Reviews and feedback are welcome.**

**Oh, I posted a Shenko Christmas oneshot a few days ago, as a thank you to my lovely readers for being awesome. I know not all of you are Kaidan fans, but…Merry Christmas anyway! ^_^**


	47. Finally Understanding

_Disclaimer: I don't own Mass Effect_

**A/N - I'm not sure how it happened, but this chapter turned out nothing like I planned. I hope you guys enjoy it! A big thank you to everyone who is following and reading along, who has favourited this fic and to those awesome people who have reviewed. If you're a writer then you know how much it means to hear from your readers, and I genuinely value your feedback.**

**A big thank you to TLCinbflo who helped me iron out a few kinks early on in this chapter. She's an amazing author and well worth checking out!**

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Shepard ground her teeth and tried to ignore the barrage of questions being fired off by the idiot at her side. Irritation bubbled up, hot and thick, as the blonde-haired man bounced along and drew more than a few strange looks. She didn't need this! Her day had been bad from the start and this moron wasn't improving things with his other the top enthusiasm.

To begin with, her target practice in the Spectre training room had left her feeling angry and demoralised. She'd always been good with a gun and great with biotics, and to suddenly struggle with something so simple had left her so frustrated that she'd almost cried. Then she'd had problems convincing the damned turian doctor on the citadel to exchange his medical supplies with the Normandy's and now, of all people, she'd run into Conrad _fucking_ Verner.

Conrad Verner had always annoyed her, but when he'd dived in front of what he thought was a real bullet for her, it had been a selfless enough move to make Rennah forgive his years of creepy behaviour and talk to him. Aside from his strange obsession with her, he was a pretty harmless guy and she'd reasoned it couldn't do any harm to acknowledge what was a very brave act.

Unfortunately, showing him kindness had been a horrible mistake; he'd attached himself to her like a human-lamprey and had followed her around the refugee area, peppering her with his inane questions. Rennah sighed and snuck another look at him from the corner of her eye, trying not to think too hard about what kind of _tasteful_ picture of her he had in his weirdo shrine. He'd always been a freak, but if she was honest, she was almost fond of him in a strange sort of way.

No matter what changed in her life, Conrad was always there, lurking around the edges with his deranged hero worship.

"So, do you need any help taking down the Reapers?" Conrad asked as he trailed along like a puppy, his enthusiasm undimmed despite her obvious attempts to ditch him. "I could be a real asset to your team. It will be like the old days when we travelled the galaxy to fight crime!"

"We never travelled the galaxy and fought crime. We met up on Ilium by chance when you were impersonating me. Besides, you're not a soldier Conrad, you'd get killed. Look, I should go ..." Shepard made a right turn into the batarian refugee area where James had said he'd be, hoping that Conrad would take the hint and leave.

He didn't.

"But you and I are _connected_!" He turned his desperate eyes on her, his voice wheedling as she weaved between batarians and he reached out a hand to grab her shoulder. "We're basically the same person. I could get an eye patch too …"

As soon as she felt him touch her, Rennah's patience evaporated and she turned on him with a snarl. "Don't touch me!"

"But …"

Angrily, she sliced her hand through the air and silenced him. "We are _not_ connected, we are _not_ friends and we are _not_ ever going to work together! Do you understand me?"

His eyes widened and he swallowed as he nodded shakily. "But what about the Reapers? Don't you want my help?"

"No!" She cut him off angrily. "No more! The information you gave me was very helpful, but that is all I need. If you want to help people, help the war orphans or volunteer to help the refugees, but stop following me around or so help me God, I swear I'll put another bullet in you like I did on Ilium!"

Conrad gasped and he gave her a frightened look. "You don't have to be so mean about it, you know."

Rennah gritted her teeth and wondered how much trouble she'd get in if she lost her temper and strangled him here in the refugee centre. Something must have shown in her eyes as he let out a startled squeak and scuttled away, a mournful expression on his face as he retreated to a safe distance. She was of half a mind to follow him and chase him away completely, but with a deep calming breath she cooled herself down and resumed her search for James.

She wouldn't have put it past Conrad to lurk around waiting for her, but when she glanced back after a few moments he was gone. It was a relief to be sure, but with so many batarians around she didn't feel much better. Too many of them knew who she was and wanted her dead for what she'd done to the Bahak system.

"Yo, Lola!"

James' shout interrupted her paranoid thoughts, and Shepard turned gratefully in the direction of his voice. She took two steps and stopped dead in her tracks as she was confronted by the sight of her boyfriend sitting shirtless amongst the batarian refugees while one of them tattooed him. He looked magnificent despite the bruising along his ribs from the gunshot, and Shepard drank in the site of him, feeling a little bit like a desperate teenager with a crush as she let her gaze linger on his hard muscle-packed chest.

He grinned up at her, his eyes sparkling with amusement as she stood their gaping and tried to think of something intelligent to say. When James had asked her to meet him here, this was _not_ what she had had in mind. Of course, she wasn't really sure what she'd been expecting aside from lots of angry batarians who probably wanted to mount her head on a pike.

"James, what on earth are you doing?" Rennah finally managed to unstick her tongue from the roof of her mouth and crossed her arms over her chest.

"Getting a tattoo." His smart-aleck come back would have been better if the tattooist hadn't decided to press down hard with the tattoo gun at that moment, making him wince and half-yelp.

Shepard nodded and rolled her eyes. "Yes, I can see that. _Why_?"

"Well, I'm not sure if I ever told you, but after Fehl Prime I was slated for N-School, only I got lumped with guarding you instead." His eyes were still twinkling with mirth as he spoke, so she let his jab about guarding her slide. "Unfortunately Hackett told me the training facilities have all been destroyed so there isn't much chance of me getting to start my training."

"Okay, so why the tattoo?" She waited, knowing that there was more to the story since he looked so goddamned pleased with himself; like a giant cat who'd got the cream.

Something exciting had obviously happened in his meeting with Hackett, aside from the bad news about N-school. Maybe he'd been awarded a medal in recognition of his service? Or was it possible that he had earned himself a promotion? No, she doubted it was either of those things, Hackett would have told her and there would have been a ceremony.

James smiled at her warmly and sat up straighter. "Well, the Admiral said they were giving out full N7 designations to a few marines who'd distinguished themselves in the war…"

Shepard's mouth dropped open as everything clicked into place and she realised why James was sitting there so smugly. "They made you an N7? Just like _that_?"

"They did." The look on James' face made her heart soar; he was so proud of himself that Rennah grinned with him. "I'm getting myself an N7 tattoo to celebrate."

"You're getting a tattoo to celebrate." Rennah repeated with a chuckle, shaking her head as he waggled his eyebrows at her. "I can't say I'm totally shocked."

He gave her a long considered stare and a slow smirk crept across his mouth as their eyes met. "You know, Lola, you could get one too."

"Matching N7 tattoos?" Shepard chuckled at the thought. "Doesn't that take us into a really lame relationship zone? Like the couples that wear matching sweaters at Christmas?"

James only shrugged at Rennah's comment, his voice lowering to a seductive drawl. "Well, you could get my name tattooed." He made a show of mock-leering at her. "You know, someplace _special_."

"Dream on, Jimmy."

He laughed again and Rennah fought off the urge to hug him right there in refugee area, in full view of everyone. Instead she stayed in her place and grinned at him, her violet gaze glittering with the pride she felt. He deserved it; that much was sure. She'd never come across another marine as talented as James that wasn't _already_ an N7. It was no wonder the ICT program had tried to snaffle him after Fehl; she was surprised they hadn't snapped him up earlier.

Her debriefing with Hackett made a lot more sense too. At the time she'd thought he was fishing for information about her relationship with James, especially after his comments about staying professional with all members of the crew. Now though, his pointed comments about his abilities, service and leadership made sense; he'd been double checking that James was as good as he'd heard before he awarded him the designation.

"All done." The batarian wiped down James' tattoo, smeared something on there that looked like low-grade medigel and then slapped a large patch on it. "This cleared my debt, right?"

"Yeah. Until I beat you at poker again." James vaulted to his feet and Shepard smiled up at him as he tugged his shirt on, ignoring the angry mutters of the batarian tattooist.

There were a lot of Alliance officers helping out with the human refugees, and they stayed mindful of this as they walked along together, their shoulders, arms and hands occasionally brushing. James still glowed with pride and Shepard could feel the happiness coming off him waves, in the same way that she could feel another biotic. For a man who had dedicated his life to the Alliance and come through as many intense battles as he had, getting this designation was a dream.

"Can we head back to the Normandy before we get dinner?" James held the elevator door open for her and followed her in, nodding to some other Alliance soldiers entered after them. "I want to drop this off." He held up an official looking packet with an Alliance seal.

"Sure."

She knew what was in the packet, having received a very similar looking envelope herself many years ago. She'd been bursting with pride at her achievement too, although she'd tried to play it cool. Of course Anderson had seen through her act and he'd taken her out to dinner that night, as proud as any parent.

Her heart ached at the memory.

The elevator slowly emptied and by the time they reached the docking bay, they were the only ones left. The atmosphere was still buzzing, but thinking about Anderson had sobered Rennah slightly and it was difficult to keep the smile on her face when her thoughts were so far away. It had been too long since she'd heard from Anderson on Earth. She hoped he was okay. He could be a pain in the ass, but he was the closest thing she had to a father and she didn't want to lose him.

"You okay, Lola?" James trailed a hand down her arm and caught her hand as they walked. "You've gone all quiet on me."

"I'm just thinking about some other N7's I know. Wondering how they're holding up."

Instinctively, she started to pull her hand away but the docking bay was all but deserted and it felt good to have her hand in his, especially after spending so many nights apart. She'd missed the scratch of his cheek against hers, the scent of him on her pillow and the warmth of his body at night. James made her feel safe and calm, and since Cain had taken her eye she'd been in desperate need of comfort.

"Anderson?" James guessed, and he squeezed her hand.

Some of the sparkle went out of his eyes as he saw her face and Rennah tried to brighten up. Worrying about Anderson would do nothing to help him, and she was certain the old soldier would be fine; he'd been preparing for this war since she'd first warned Earth. She needed to focus on the here and now, on getting herself and her crew ready for the next obstacle in their path, and on the man in front of her.

She smiled and bumped her shoulder playfully against his. "Yeah, but I was also thinking about how much I missed you."

"You're a softie under that big bad reputation, aren't you?" Vega chuckled as they walked up the ramp and through the airlock, letting his hand fall from hers as the doors opened and they walked on board.

Most of the crew was taking advantage of their shore leave, but a skeleton crew still remained on board. She could hear Joker and EDI in the cockpit and saw Traynor by the CIC when they walked past to the elevator. She looked up with a knowing smile, but kept working, leaving them to their own devices as they caught the elevator down the shuttle bay.

There didn't seem to be a need for conversation, and Rennah studied James' face on the short ride down as he caught her hand again, his thumb gently caressing the back of her hand. He seemed younger when he was happy and a lot of the strain that she'd noticed on his face since the Cain incident had been wiped away. Physically, she knew he still needed time to heal before he could fight again, but right now he looked as though he was ready to take on the world.

The elevator arrived at the shuttle bay and they stepped out hand in hand, coming to a stop as they realised they weren't alone. Cortez was at a work station, the ordering and supply screens casting a warm orange glow across his face. He glanced up as they stepped out, his eyes rounding as he saw who it was and his eyes zeroed in on James.

"Vega?" He took a few steps towards them, an intense expression of relief on his face as he closed the gap in lightning speed as he pulled James into a hug. "God, it's good to see you up."

"Hey, Esteban." James hugged him back, his eyes watering as Cortez crushed his chest. "Ease up, buddy, I'm still a little sore."

Cortez guiltily let go of him and Shepard moved back to give them some space. She knew he loved James, not in a romantic way, but as a best friend. He'd been a rock for Cortez after his husband's death and seeing him get shot had brought up a lot of bad memories for the pilot.

"I'm sorry I didn't come and see you in the hospital when you were awake. I had to meet up with SSV Havoc to acquire us another shuttle." He looked uncomfortable and glanced back at Shepard. "Besides which, I wasn't sure if you'd want to see me after what happened."

"What?" James twitched in surprise and took a step back as he stared at his friend in confusion. "Why would you think that?"

"Because I should have done _something_." Cortez looked down at the floor, his face falling into shadow. "I should have tried to stop Cain instead of passively sitting there and following instructions."

There was so much self-loathing in his voice that Shepard's heart twisted in sympathy. It was how she'd felt after Akuze; having to hide and do nothing while people she cared for died. All she'd been able to do was cower, trembling and shaking as the occasional splash of acid hit her, and wait for her own death. There was nothing she could have done, but it had taken her months to come to that realisation.

"Esteban, they would have killed you if you'd done _anything_." James breathed the words quietly and he forced his friend's chin up.

Cortez's eyes filled with tears and he shook his head, denying his words. "They didn't kill Kaidan."

"Alenko's a spectre, and they nearly did kill him." Shepard held her breath as James met his friends gaze without flinching. "Even _he_ admits that if Garrus hadn't turned up when he did, he might not have been able to do anything. They'd taken his amp, they tortured him and he barely managed to break through his restraints in time …"

"That's not what I mean. I know I couldn't have done anything like he did, but I sat there and did _nothing_!" He ran a hand through his dark hair and closed his eyes as his memories overwhelmed him. "I didn't say a thing. I just watched as they shot you and," His breath hitched, "I thought I was watching you die, just like I had to watch Robert die."

Steve choked on his words and James stepped forward and pulled him into a hug. If he was in pain from his wound he didn't show it as he wrapped his arms around his friend and held him as he cried. It was an intimate moment that wasn't meant for her and Shepard turned away, a tight feeling blooming in her chest as she thought about watching someone you loved die.

She'd lost a lot of people over the years, and before this war was over she was going to lose a hell of a lot more. It was a depressing thought and it weighed heavily on Shepard's mind as she turned to face the two men. Constantly fighting, day after day, was enough to put cracks in even the most hardened warrior, and she could feel the chinks in her own emotional armour.

She was tried of fighting.

"Oh man, you came down here with Shepard." Cortez pulled out of Vega's crushing embrace and wiped his eyes as he glanced at her. "Shit, I'm always getting in the way with you two."

"You? Get in our way? Don't be stupid." Rennah pulled herself out of her depressing thoughts and, without thinking too hard about it, walked over and gave Cortez a hug.

She'd never been an affectionate person and hugging wasn't something she was used to doing outside of a very select group of people, but this was _Cortez_. He was the crazy pilot who'd saved her skin a million times with his fancy flying. Not to mention that he and Jack had been the first people to realise that there was something between herself and James, and they'd actively tried to set them up.

For that alone she owed him more that he would ever know.

She jumped and let out a squeak when James joined in with their hug, the hard wall of his chest pressing against her back. His height and frame were big enough that he could wrap his arms around both of them from where he stood, and Rennah slowly relaxed as she felt the steady beat of his heart against her body. Cortez's head had dropped to her shoulder and she felt his body tremble as he let out a sigh and hugged her back.

A few months ago and she would have yowled like a wildcat and kicked up a stink if anyone had tried to hold her like this, but it felt _right_ because they were her family. Cortez, James, Traynor, Garrus, Tali, Liara, Joker, EDI and Kaidan had all come to mean more to her then she had let herself realise. They were the family she'd never been allowed to have and the friends she'd hadn't realised she needed.

She didn't know where this softness inside of her had come from, but for the first time in years she felt warm and human again. Cain had brought her up believing that emotions made you weak and that friends would only betray you, but he'd been proven wrong when he'd pulled his stunt on the Normandy. Her friends hadn't backed down; they'd stayed by her side and fought for her because that was what friends did.

Her eyes prickled with tears as Shepard realised that as much as she was holding Cortez, he and James were also holding her. They were a solid, warm presence that stirred faint memories of being held and loved by other people, and Shepard smiled to herself. It was almost comical that after all of Cain's training, _he_ was the one who had shown her how important friends were.

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**A/N - I hope you guys enjoyed this chapter and I'd love to know what you think!**

**This was one of those times when Rennah wouldn't do what I planned and took things in a completely different direction. I think she might be starting to heal some of those wounds she's been carrying around. N'aw! Of course, there are some very dark chapters on the way, so buckle down for those.  
**


	48. Enjoy the Silence

_Disclaimer: I don't own Mass Effect_

**A/N – A massive thank you to those who reviewed the last chapter. Your support just blows me away! I meant to get this one out a few days ago, but I've been busy and I struggled to make time to write. Sorry! Buuut I think you'll all enjoy it.**

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The presidium was alive with noise and colour as James strolled along, his hands stuffed casually in his pockets. The sky was slowly changing from pale blue to pinkish-orange in a simulated sunset, and the bright splashes of colours were mirrored in the Citadel lakes shimmering waters. It was a beautiful sight and he paused to watch it, wistfully remembering afternoons spent along the beach in San Diego as a teenager, watching the sunsets and dreaming of a different life.

His brown eyes reflected the rippling colours in the water and he rested his muscled forearms against the railing, glancing down at the lake and smiling as he thought about the good times. San Diego, a city of sun, surf and sand, was still the place he called home and he hated to think what he'd find when he got back. It was a beautiful city and he missed the salty smell of the ocean, the warm rays of the sun and the thunderous sound of the waves crashing on the sand …

An excited shout dragged him from his thoughts and James turned just in time to duck out of the way of a gaggle of hanar who were blundering towards the lake, scattering amused people in their wake. The jellies were talking excitedly to anyone who would listen, their tentacles flailing wildly through the air as they proclaimed over and over that the age of the Enkindler was about to arrive.

James snorted to himself and couldn't hide his grin; _clearly, they hadn't met Javik._

He appreciated the giant jellies for their contribution to the world of action vids, but not for much else. In truth, all hanar reminded him of Blasto, and thanks to a certain tasty snack, Blasto reminded him of Shepard.

Tonight was supposed to be their first official dinner date, since James couldn't bring himself to count the junk they'd eaten on their first date as real food, but so far things hadn't gone to plan. He sighed and looked out over the lakes again, a cool breeze whispering along his skin as he leaned against the railing. Shepard had been called to an urgent meeting with Tevos, and he'd been killing time on the commons for the last hour waiting for her.

It wasn't that he was upset with Shepard for having to go to a meeting, but it was frustrating as all hell because, as a couple, they'd missed some important milestones in their relationship. He'd been planning to make amends for that tonight and really sweep her off her feet. Sure, they'd had their toe-curling first kiss up in her cabin, and they'd had an unforgettable first night together, but they'd never actually gone on a _proper_ date.

He sighed and pushed away from the railing as the sky began to fade into a deeper purple and blue, pin-points of artificial stars twinkling in the sky. It felt wrong, being Shepard's boyfriend and sharing her bed without having done anything really romantic for her. He wanted the chance to take her to an expensive restaurant, buy her flowers and chocolates, and to invite her back to his place for coffee. Even if they were Alliance marines in the middle of a war, they were still a couple and where he came from you treated women in a certain way.

He could almost hear his _tío_ ' _s_ voice in his ear, reminding him to use the Vega charm to woo the women and not _just_ to charm the pants off them. His uncle Emilio was the one who drummed it into him as a teenager to always treat women with respect, and to go the extra mile to sweep the woman you loved off her feet.

_Sorry tío, but better late than never, no?_

It was his intention to sweep Shepard off her feet tonight, even if things didn't go as planned. He'd booked a table at the sushi restaurant that everyone raved about, and he'd bought flowers, chocolates and champagne. He was feeling a little silly about pulling out such clichéd moves with Lola, but at the same time he was excited to see her reaction, especially since he had a sneaking suspicion that Shepard hadn't gone on many actual dates.

It was a pity they'd missed their reservation at the restaurant because of Shepard's meeting, but there were other places they could go; Liara was always raving about an asari restaurant on the lower levels and Kaidan claimed that Apollo's cooked a mean steak. Honestly, he didn't mind where they went, so long as Rennah enjoyed herself.

Besides, the champagne, chocolate and flowers were waiting back in her cabin, and he was pretty sure that those alone would bring a smile to her face!

A few weeks ago he wouldn't have even tried giving Shepard flowers and chocolates. No way. She would have laughed at him for sure, or maybe eaten the chocolate and chucked the flowers. But over the past few days he'd seen some differences in her. She was still her usual grumpy self with most people, but around her friends there subtle changes in her way she acted that showed she was mellowing a little.

It was nice to think that he'd had something to do with her softening a little, but James knew it hadn't been him alone. He suspected that the real catalyst for her changes had been Cain, or rather, what he'd tried to do. When the psycho had taken them prisoner, Shepard had _expected_ the crew to let Cain get away with her. Instead, her friends had stood up and fought for her, and that small act had changed something inside of her.

With a ping, his omni-tool called him from his thoughts and James moved to more secluded area of the commons and opened the message. _It was from Shepard!_ For a brief shining moment his body surged with happiness, then his stomach plummeted as he saw the message wasn't even for him. It was a bulk message to all of the crew for an immediate recall to the Normandy, with a departure time of two hours.

Disappointment surged through him and James curled one hand into a fist, fighting not to let the emotion overwhelm him. The magic of the evening vanished in one crushing wave and, frustrated, he whirled and began to storm back to the Normandy. Whatever had gone on in her meeting with Tevos must have been really damned important if she had just sent out a recall without bothering to even cancel their date …

"James! Wait!"

He paused mid-stride as Shepard's voice rang out and turned to see her sauntering up behind him, her high heels clicking on the path. Without even realising what he was doing, he let out a low whistle as his eyes swept up her body, tracing over the curves that her little black dress clung to so faithfully. Her dark hair tumbled freely around her face and over her shoulders, black as ink and so shiny it reflected the lights of the Citadel.

She looked _smoking_ hot.

His body clenched with need and he had to swallow twice before he could speak, "Lola!"

Her full red lips curved into a smile and she paused in front of him. "What's a guy like you doing in a place like this?"

"Well, heading back to work apparently." James moved closer to her, until his chest brushed against hers and he slid an arm around her waist, glad they were in the shadows without anyone to see them. "Although how I'm supposed to get any work done when you look like that is beyond me."

Shepard laughed and her eye, a dark indigo in the dim light, twinkled as she ran a hand lightly up his arm, her nails dragging along the fabric of his shirt and sending shivers down his spine. "Well, we do have a whole two hours until Joker can get us cleared to leave. Our date doesn't have to be totally over." She linked her arms around his neck and slowly pressed her body close to his. "I know we missed our reservation, but to be honest I'm not really hungry. How about if we go someplace a little quieter for now and you can cook me something back on the Normandy?"

She was so goddamned sexy that James knew he was in real trouble tonight. His intentions to romance the hell out of her vanished under a crushing wave of lust and he nodded at her dumbly, his body stirring as she curled her nails into his arm. Shepard could have asked for him to do _anything_ for her, and in that moment he would have done it to make her happy.

"Whatever you want, Lola." His voice dropped to a low aroused rumble, and he struggled to get his body's reaction under control.

_Come on, Vega! You're an Alliance marine! Not a horny teenager!_

"Excellent!" She flashed a blood-tingling smile at him. "We can play hooky for at least an hour, I estimate."

Shepard swung away from him with a throaty laugh and pulled him through the crowds, leading him towards the lakes. It took all of thirty seconds to work out where she planned to go and James chuckled as he slung an arm about her waist. For the moment, off duty and out of uniform, he didn't care if anyone saw them out and about together; it felt good to touch her.

"Are you planning on climbing that ladder in that little dress and heels?" James asked as he set an alert on his omni-tool to go off in an hour.

"Are you offering to carry me?" She retorted as she paused by the railing and slid her shoes off. "Now, if anyone asks …"

"Let me guess, we're on official Spectre business?"

"You got it." Rennah cast a quick glance around to make sure no one was watching, then vaulted over the edge and vanished into the foliage. James followed a moment later and, hand in hand, they slipped into the keeper tunnels.

"You know," he paused at the bottom of the ladder and looked up as Shepard vanished into the gloom. "I'm going to have to take this slow because of my chest."

She paused and peered down at him. "Do you want to go back?"

"Nah." James opened his omni-tool up to give himself some light, grinning as he looked right up Shepard's dress at her lacy underwear. "Besides, I like following you up ladders too much."

She muttered something that sounded like ' _perverted ass_ ' but there was a smile in her voice, and she resumed climbing. The journey to the platform seemed quicker than it had the first time, though his chest was aching by the time they reached the top. Shimmying up a giant ladder in the dark while recovering from surgery was probably not the smartest thing he'd done in his life, but for her he would have done anything.

The view was stunning out on the platform and lights stretched out in all directions, a shimmering ocean of glowing neon signs. _Almost as beautiful as Lola._ He watched as she sank down onto the ground, curling her legs under her gracefully and letting out a soft sigh.

"You know, I never get tired of this view." She reached up and caught his hand, pulling him down beside her into the shadows. "It reminds me of why I'm fighting so hard to stop the Reapers."

"It looks a little like home to me." James felt Rennah turn to look at him but he kept his eyes on the lights and elaborated, "of San Diego, I mean. It reminds me of my _tío_ and my father and of all the people who were left behind on Earth."

She curled into the arm he put around her. "Is there any word of your family?"

"No." He shook his head and refused to let his mind linger on what might have happened to them.

Shepard made a sympathetic sound, and her hand found his in the dark. "I'm sorry, James. I hope they're okay."

"Me too."

He pulled his eyes from the glittering vista and traced a calloused hand down the soft skin of Shepard's cheek as she watched the lights. Did she realise how much she'd changed over the past few months? From the outside looking in, it seemed that some of her old wounds were healing. As though the rage that always simmered beneath the surface was fading a little and she was more at peace with herself.

His heart thumped harder in his chest as she turned to look at him, her gaze full of need as she subtly shifted closer. James slid his hand to the back of her neck and pulled her closer, their lips meeting in a gentle kiss that made his greedy body crave more. It was was electric, and the instant he felt her mouth against his he wanted to have her in every way possible; to kiss every inch of her body and thrust himself into her host moist core while she moaned his name …

_No_.

He clamped a lid down on those thoughts and rigidly took control of himself. Tonight was _not_ about jumping in the sack with her, although they may well end up there. Right now, he wanted to make Shepard feel loved, for her to know how much he cared for her. Not for her to think that all he wanted was to fuck her senseless at every chance he got.

"I love you." Shepard dragged her mouth from his and sucked in an unsteady breath, gripping his hand tightly. "I don't say it as often as I should, but I do."

James' chest swelled with pride and love, and he bumped his forehead gently against hers. "I love you too. I still don't know how I got a girl like you, but I'm the luckiest guy in the world. You mean everything to me."

Words weren't enough and James kissed her again, groaning appreciatively as her her tongue tangled against his as she deepened the kiss. He caught her to him and, though his chest wound pulled tight, he let his hands wander down her body, enjoying the feel of her soft curves against him. It was exhilarating to hold her again, to have her wrapped around him and making those small girly noises that made his blood fizz.

_Did she feel the same? Was it just as intoxicating for her?_

Shepard dragged her mouth from his again and laughed, letting herself fall back against the ground as she grinned at him happily. "I've missed your kisses, Jimmy."

"I kissed you when I was in the hospital!" James defended himself as he reclined beside her, easing himself down carefully.

She snorted waved her hand dismissively. "Those little careful pecks weren't _real_ kisses."

"Well, next time I wind up in hospital I'll kiss you like this …" He leaned over her, cupping her face with his hand as he trailed small kisses up the line of her jaw until he reached her mouth. She tasted of peppermint gum as he kissed her slowly, teasing her lips apart before he dipped his tongue into her warm velvety depths, and trailed his free hand down her body to cup her ass.

She whimpered and trembled as he kneaded her flesh, her mouth hungry against his, as though famished for his kisses. His need for her sung through his veins, and he moved his lips down her face and neck, nuzzling and nipping the soft skin of her throat as she clutched him tightly and panted. He always marvelled that he affected her like this, that such such a strong, fierce creature could become putty in his hands.

"James …" Shepard whispered his name sweetly and her hands drifted under his shirt to caress his muscles.

It felt good, _too good,_ and with a gargantuan effort, James broke away and rolled onto his back, his chest heaving with unfulfilled desire. He had to stop now. If he didn't stop now he was going to end up making love to her right here on this platform, and he didn't want that to happen. If they made love tonight, h wanted it to be special and intimate.

"Not here, not like this," he managed to murmur to Shepard. "I want to take my time and love every inch of you."

She made a disappointed sound, but nodded. "Mmm, that does sound nice."

They lay in silence for a time, the quiet ambiance broken only by the distant sound of sky cars and the odd wail from a siren. Rennah looked up at the sky, idly trailing her hand up and down his arm as she lost herself in her thoughts. He could almost hear the wheels in her head turning and he wished he could see inside of her mind, to truly know the woman inside.

"I don't know what have done if I'd lost you." Shepard spoke up unexpectedly, her voice soft in the darkness. "Back on the Normandy. When I thought you were dead, I …" Her voice trailed off and she held him tighter, unable to finish her sentence.

"Lola!" James sat up and looked down at her, concern jolting him out of his happiness. "You're not going to lose me, okay?"

She looked up at him and smiled weakly. "I hope so, because I'm not sure if I'd want to save the world without you in it."

It was one of the sweetest things Shepard had ever said to him, but it sent chills down his spine for reasons James' couldn't place. There was silence as Rennah sat up and looked out over the Citadel, resting her chin on her knee. The bright neon lights cast a glow over her features and threw half of her face into shadows, giving her an air of mystery. He ached to reach out and run his fingers through her hair or pull her into a hug, but she needed this moment to say what was on her mind.

She glanced at him from the corner of her eye and grinned when she saw his frown of concern. "Don't look so worried. I'm not going to go jump off the top of the Citadel if something happens to you. But I've been fighting for other people all my life, never for myself. This is the first time I've had something of my own to protect …"

He kissed Shepard before she could finish speaking, his mouth crashing down on hers as he struggled not to do something stupid like cry. A wave of intense emotion rippled through him and he crushed her to his chest, silently swearing that no matter what happened, he'd find a way for them to get through this. The Reapers, Cerberus and Cain could go fuck themselves, nothing was going to come between them.

They stayed like that, wrapped in each other's arms, until James' omni-tool broke the peace with a chirp to alert him that their hour was almost up.

"We should get back." He smoothed her hair behind her ears and pressed his lips to her forehead, shivering as a faint static zap from her biotics tingled across his skin. "Unless you want your ship leaving without their Commander."

"They wouldn't dare." With a derisive snort Shepard climbed to her feet and helped him up, linking her fingers with his.

A stupid grin crept across James face as they made their way back through the keeper tunnels. Tonight might not have been the grand sweeping gesture that he'd planned, but it had been every bit as romantic as he'd hoped. And he had a sneaking suspicion that once they got back to the Normandy, the night was only going to get better.

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**A/N – They deserved a little bit of happiness before I dropped them in the fires of Thessia, right? As always, I'd love to know what you thought!**

**I also wanted to quickly rec. some ongoing Shega fics that I adore! _Careful What You Wish For_ by Jules Hawke, _Bailamos_ by Nicniviean and _After the End_ by Ghrelt. If you aren't reading them already, go and check them out!**


	49. Feel Like Falling

_Disclaimer: I don't own Mass Effect. I just play with their stuff._

**A/N - I say this each chapter, but thank you my readers and follows, and especially to everyone who reviewed the last chapter (TLCinbflo, Jules Hawk, Nicniviean, Candle in the Night, Lady Aimee, Lady Velvet C, Irohanni, Sophie Shepard, Samolfran, lilliliah, watcht0wer, MizDirected, Chaseingthewind, topshoteffect, ella11, Galactic Alien, Jason Thursday, Simone TRH, theherocomplex, VeeIsMe, Tinyturian, noradrenaline & guests). Your feedback and support means a lot to me and your response to the last chapter blew me away. **

**Hopefully this chapter won't scare you all away. I'm going to be honest. This chapter is smut. Almost all of it. It wasn't supposed to be, but Rennah and James overruled me. I hope you enjoy it and as always, I'd love to know what you thought so if you can spare the time, drop me a review!  
**

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Shepard closed her omni-tool and stepped into the elevator with James, the two of them trying to look casual as Traynor bustled about the CIC. The doors slid shut and she instantly relaxed as the familiar hum of the Normandy's engines enveloped her. It was a soothing sound, comforting and relaxing, and it made the small space seem more intimate. As though they were the only two people in the world.

James looked deliciously sexy in his black dress shirt and slacks and he flashed her a wolfish smile that made her stomach flutter.

"All done?" He asked as he moved closer, their bodies brushing together.

"Yep."

"Good." James slid his arms around her waist and pulled her against him.

His chest was firm and she relaxed into his arms, her eye drifting shut as she breathed in his scent; a mix of aftershave and freshly laundered clothes. It was intoxicating and she pressed closer still, memorising the feel of his body against hers.

She spread her hands against his chest and grinned as he sucked in a short breath. "Kaidan has the deck for the next eight hours while I get some sleep …"

"Sleep?" James teased. He slid his hands slid down her body suggestively. "I think we can find something better to do with our time."

"You're a _terrible_ influence."

"I try, Lola."

She shook her head, chuckling at his flippancy. Sometimes she forgot what an incorrigible flirt he could be, especially when he was sure of himself. And he was very sure of himself right now. For good reason! After that mind-melting kiss up on the keeper platform on the Citadel, they both knew why they were rushing to her cabin. The air was practically buzzing from the energy between them.

She tried to focus on the important issues, and not on the muscles she could feel under her hands. "I've scheduled a mission briefing in the morning. Liara knows we're heading for Thessia and has requested to come along, so the ground team will be me, Liara and Garrus."

James' hands stilled on her body and he leaned back to look at her. "I hate that I'm not going with you to Thessia, Lola." He managed to maintain his sombre expression for about half a second and then he smirked broadly. "A whole planet of blue beauties! I hate to think what I'll be missing out on …"

"Letch!" Rennah condemned, wriggling out of his arms as the elevator opened.

She took two steps towards the door before James' arms snaked around her waist and he pulled her back against his chest. "Wait up one moment. I kind of have a surprise for you inside."

_A surprise?_

She glanced at him suspiciously over her shoulder. "I'm not a big fan of surprises, Jimmy. In my line of work surprises tend to jump out at me with guns."

"You'll like this one." He spun her around to face him and his eyes twinkled. "I promise."

The air almost shimmered between them as his eyes dropped to her mouth, and then James lowered his head and kissed her, his lips teasing hers apart. The kiss was explosive, intense, and Rennah gave in to his plundering mouth as his tongue danced against hers. His hands, strong and firm, swept down her body and he backed her up to the door. Lust shot through her veins, electric and hot, and she groaned and clung to James as he fumbled and opened her door.

It swished open suddenly, and only his arm around her waist stopped Shepard from toppling over when the door against her back vanished. He chuckled when she made a girly squeak, and the deep masculine sound sent heat snaking to her belly. _God he was so sexy!_ Willingly, she let him guide her into her room, content to let James to take control and do things his way.

He glanced over her shoulder and grinned at whatever he saw. "Okay, here's your surprise."

For a split second she hesitated, nerves getting the better of her, then she gave herself a mental shake. James had gone through a lot of trouble tonight and she'd already ruined dinner. She wasn't going to ruin this!

Nervously, Shepard turned around and almost laughed in surprise at what was sitting on her coffee table. _Flowers. Chocolates. Champagne._ Never in a million years would she have pegged James as a romantic. Nor would she have guessed that his surprise would be a huge bunch of red roses, chilled champagne and an oversized box of crème chocolates. It was all so romantic. So cute. So _not_ her.

… but she _loved_ it.

No one had ever bought her flowers before, let alone roses that looked like they were fresh and real. _He must have spent a fortune getting roses out here._ She stepped forward and breathed in the scent of the blossoms, and the heavenly aroma sent her senses into overdrive. They were magnificent! And their deep floral perfume was so strong she could almost taste it on the back of her tongue.

"You like 'em, Lola?"

James sounded surprisingly nervous and Rennah grinned as she faced him. "Like them? I love them! I've never been given flowers before …"

"What?" He feigned shock and closed the distance between them. "You've been seeing the wrong men!"

"Well, you're here now, _Zvezda Moya._ "

"Yes, I am." James' voice was heavy with need, and he caught her in his arms and pulled her back against his chest.

His hands skimmed down her body, cupping her breasts and sliding down her hips and long thighs. It felt deliciously good and when he kissed her neck, slivers of desire arced through her. She could feel him pressing against her from behind, his body hard and excited, and Rennah shifted her hips and ground against him.

It was all the encouragement he needed.

He slid the straps of her dress over her shoulders, first one and then the other. Each move he made was slow, loving and careful. It was as though he wanted to torture her with pleasure. He kissed the exposed skin of her shoulders, and then his mouth left a tingling trail down her spine as he peeled the dress to her waist.

"James!" Her voice was breathless, her knees almost giving way as he knelt behind her and stroked the back of her knees.

He paused, his breath hot against her lower back as she felt him look up at her. "I have you, Rennah."

The husky sound of her name on his lips sent a shiver rolling through her body, and she wrapped her arms around herself tightly. Her breath was coming in small gasps as his hands caressed, squeezed and stroked their way down her legs, tingles of pleasure zinging through her limbs. It felt so good! So mind numbingly good! Each tiny kiss was torture, but it was torture of the very best kind.

His slid her dress over her hips, a throaty sound of pleasure slipping from him as it pooled around her feet and exposed the black lace panties she wore beneath. His mouth continued its journey down her body. He kissed and nibbled his way down over the curve of her derriere, and then lower, down one leg and up the other. Shepard wobbled, numb with pleasure, as James pushed himself to his feet again, dropping feather light kisses along the crook her neck as he pulled her back against him.

By time James slid her matching bra and panties off, Rennah couldn't think straight. She was dizzy, drunk on sensation and out of her mind with pleasure. He lay her down on the bed and she watched, spellbound, as he stripped his shirt off. His muscles rippled in the dim lighting and his body was briefly outlined in blue from light of her fish tank, temporarily making him into a biotic. He bent down and kissed her, his tongue dipping into her mouth as her body arched hungrily towards his.

"Close your eyes." James' voice dropped to a low sexy purr.

Rennah nodded and let her eye drift shut. Her world narrowed down to what she could hear; the burble of the fish tank, James' feet padding across the floor, a crinkling sound as he picked something up off the table. Nervous butterflies danced in her stomach as the bed gave under his weight and she heard the sound of something being opened and the rustle of paper.

"Keep them closed, Lola." He trailed a hand down her body. "Do you trust me?"

"Yes."

There was no hesitation or doubt in her mind. She trusted him completely.

She gasped and trembled as he placed something small and slightly cool in the hollow of her throat. Chocolates? She could smell something sweet, and she bit her lip as he placed more chocolates on her body; one on each breast and another at the apex of her thighs. She shivered. And delicious anticipation ebbed through her body as she heard James unbuckle his pant and slide them off.

"Are you eating all those chocolates by yourself? That seems awfully greedy." Her voice was breathy and soft, laced with desire.

James chuckled and kissed her. "Don't worry, I'll share."

She felt him move over her and fought to keep her eye closed as he traced something soft down her face. It moved softly around her eyes, along her cheeks and over her lips. _A rose_.The smell of it danced along her senses, and her breath hitched as James traced the blossom down her body, circling the chocolates he'd laid out and dipping the rose between her legs with a small chuckle as she whimpered in pleasure.

His weight on the bed shifted as he moved closer, the heat from his body radiating against hers. His tongue flicked out across her neck and Rennah struggled to keep her body still at the tickling sensation. He scooped up the chocolate from the hollow of her throat with his tongue and kissed her, pressing half of the chocolate against her lips. It tasted wonderful, and she kissed him as she bit into the chocolate, their lips clashing in a whirl of chocolate and strawberry crème.

A low moaned escaped from the back of her throat as she swallowed the treat down, and James' hands found hers and he laced their fingers together. He kissed his way down to one of the chocolates on her breasts. His tongue swirled around her nipple before he took the chocolate and her breast in his mouth, sucking gently. His teeth lightly grazed her sensitive flesh and she Rennah cried out in a low moan as her body burner brighter, her hands clutching at his.

He moved to her other breast and repeated the process, his mouth hot and wet against her flesh. Then his mouth moved lower and he teasingly ate the chocolate of her pelvic region. Her heart was pounding, hammering in her chest, and heat pooled in her belly as James released her hands and kissed his way further down her body.

Her hips were moving restlessly on the bed, the pulsing need inside of her drawing tighter and tighter with each touch of his mouth on her skin. When James spread her legs and settled himself between her thighs, she twined her hands into the bed sheet and held on for dear life. She'd never felt so close to losing control before.

He kissed the soft skin of her thighs and moved his mouth to the very core of her, flicking his tongue against that sensitive nub before engaging on a thorough investigation of her silken folds. She quivered at the electric sensation, whimpering as James chuckled and his deep base rumble made her moan all over again.

Heat pounded through her body and the wonderful tension she knew so well began to spread through her, winding tighter and tighter. James slid his hand under her ass and angled her hips up as his tongue delved into her cleft, licking, sucking and exploring her innermost parts. Her orgasm grew inside of her, starting in her belly and rippling outwards.

Closer and closer the pleasure came until it was upon her. Her toes curled, muscles tensed and her back arched as she cried out, James urging her on with short strokes of his tongue across her sex. Finally, gasping James' name, Rennah saw stars and her body burst in a supernova of sensation.

She spiralled back to earth slowly and sank into the cool cotton sheets of her bed. When she eventually opened her eye, she blinked dazedly at James as he crawled up her body, a satisfied smirk on his face. He kissed her, tasting of lovemaking and chocolate.

"Feel good?" he asked when as he broke the kiss, his eyes raking over her face.

"Yes, that was lovely, but …" She stretched against him and grinned as his hardness brushed against her belly.

"But?"

"But," she trailed her fingers delicately down the muscles of his chest and abs, then took his hardness in her hand. "I still want to fuck you senseless."

He tossed his head back and chuckled, then abruptly gasped and made a sound of pleasure as she began to stroke her fingers up and down his shaft. "Jesus Lola, you sure know how to charm a man."

Rennah shimmied down his body and tightened her grip on him, rolling his length in her hand. He was hot and hard, velvety smooth and, judging from James moans, more than ready for her. She brushed her thumb over his tip and smirked as he jerked and shuddered under her touch.

He swore, loudly and fluently in Spanish, as her lips slid around him and she drew him into her mouth. He wouldn't last long, she could tell from the way his body moved. So she swirled her tongue around his head and slid her mouth down his length, sucking gently and then harder. James made a high pitched sound, almost like he was in pain, as she managed to work her way to the base of his shaft, and his body spasmed under her.

"No more!" He caught her in his hands and pulled her back up his body, his furred with passion. "If I don't have you now, I'll die."

She laughed as she straddled him. "Well, we don't want that."

" _Hazme el amor_." James' gaze burned into hers intensely. "Make love to me, Lola."

Her answer was a kiss as she settled over him and guided his hard length into her body. Both of them groaned as he sank into her warmth, and the feel of him buried deep inside of her sent spams of pleasure rolling through her already aroused body _. It felt so good_. She spread her hands on his chest and began to move with slow rolls of her hips.

It felt wonderful to be with James again, to have this amazing connection that made them into one person. It filled her with a radiating glow of pleasure to know that James, such a strong and physically imposing man, was putty in her hands. He made her feel safe and loved, as though nothing in the world could hurt her so long as they were together.

"Lola!" James gasped her name desperately and his hands tightened about her hips, encouraging her to move faster.

Rennah was happy to oblige.

She surrendered to her bodies cravings with a wild intensity that swept aside all common sense. Her muscles bunched and coiled as she moved in an age old dance, giving into the hammering, driving need inside of her. James reached up and pulled her into a kiss, and Rennah responded with blazing passion, devouring the sounds of pleasure he made as she rode him.

She wanted him to cry out her name, and to feel him shuddering under her as he lost himself in her completely.

The motion of his body sliding slickly into hers, pounding deeper and deeper, carried her away in a sea of sensation. They moved together, anticipating each other's moves, knowing instinctively what the other wanted as the excitement built to breaking point. Finally, James pulled her close and his hand slid around to the back of her neck, caressing her port.

Fiery ecstasy rocked her body and she screamed in pleasure as she convulsed, her body tightening around him as a tsunami of euphoria roared through her, dragging her under and tumbling her around until she didn't know which way was up. James echoed her cry of fulfilment with his own as he rolled her under him and drove into her wildly as he came, his breath hot against her neck as he groaned and held her close, his body trembling with release.

She lost herself in James, melted into him until she didn't know where she ended and he began. It was a moment of perfect peace, and for a long time, neither of them moved. They were content to hold each other as they drifted on a gently flowing river of bliss. Finally, James made a sound and rolled off her to flop on his side, a happy sigh fluttering out of his mouth.

From the corner of her eye Shepard saw him wince and she dragged herself up on one arm. "You okay?"

"Yeah." He laughed softly and pulled her to him. "Just my tattoo."

"Not your chest?" She light ran fingers down the side of his chest and across the shiny pink scar and the bruising that still surrounded it.

"Nope, I'm all good. I don't think that counted as strenuous exercise when you did most the work." He smirked at her, but his eyes were glowing with contentment and Shepard snuggled closer to him, her body humming from the afterglow. "Besides, that was worth a little bit of pain."

Rennah closed her eye and rested her head on his shoulder, exhaustion seeping through her bones. This was a perfect way to end their night, especially after James had gone through so much trouble to make it special. She'd never given herself over to another person so completely before. Did James have any idea how hard it was for her to trust others? Especially when she was exposed and at her most vulnerable?

_He knew._

He swept a hand down her body and carefully got up. "Champagne?"

"Sure." She stretched and managed to pull a sheet around herself as she settled against the headboard. "Any of those chocolates left? Or did you devour them all?"

He glanced back at her as he walked naked to the table, completely comfortable in his own skin. "Hey, I fed you half of one!" The smile he flashed made her blood fizz in her veins. "The box is on the bedside table and there's plenty left."

Rennah reached over and picked up a chocolate, then sat back and watched as James popped the champagne cork and poured out two glasses before padding back to bed. He was so gorgeous when he was naked. Totally masculine and yummy. Exhausted as she was, her tummy filled with butterflies just watching him walk towards her. He slid into bed and handed her a glass.

"I've never felt like this before." James confessed as he slid an arm around her, pulling her close again, as though he couldn't stand to be so close without touching. "I love you."

"I love you too." She leaned against him, her body warm and languid. "And tonight was wonderful. Very erotic." Sighing happily, she popped one of the chocolates in her mouth and sipped her champagne. "I can't believe you actually got me flowers and chocolates. I could get used to this."

James glanced across at the roses and then back at her. "I'm glad. I was half afraid a big bad Spectre like yourself might throw them in my face and laugh."

She snorted softly and set her glass down, sliding under the sheet so she could cuddle against him. "Maybe you didn't notice, but I'm also a woman, Jimmy, and I happen to like it when you give me presents. Especially delicious presents."

"I'll try and remember that for our next date."

James leaned over and kissed her thoroughly, then dimmed the lights and snuggled close, spooning his body against hers. She lay in silence for a time, listening to him breath and enjoying the warmth of his body, then she reached up and peeled her eye patch off, dropping it on the bedside table next to her. A wave of exhaustion swept through her and with a contented sigh she relaxed into his arms.

"You know James," She murmured into the silence of the room as she hovered on the edge of sleep, "the chocolates weren't the only thing I enjoyed eating."

James laughed sleepily, his chest rumbling against her back. "Now _that_ I will remember."

Shepard settled more comfortably against his body and gave in to the comforting drowsiness that seemed to flow across her. She was asleep within minutes. And for the first time in weeks her sleep was deep, uninterrupted and dreamless.

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**A/N - Phew! Steamy! I hope you you enjoyed it!**


	50. Barrel of a Gun

_Disclaimer: I don't own Mass Effect_

**A/N - Thank you to everyone who took time out to review my last chapter. Your reviews mean the world to me and I love hearing from you. I know I say it each chapter, but it doesn't make it any less true!**

**I'm back at work now so updates may come every week and a half instead of weekly. Sorry about that - I'm just super busy. I'll still try to stick to my weekly deadline! Enjoy this chapter!**

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Thessia, once the crown jewel of the galaxy, was burning.

Flames danced through the city, orange tongues that spiralled hungrily into a cloudless grey sky, while red lasers cut through the buildings with hellish flashes of light. Smoke from the fires filled the air with billowing clouds that seemed to dance with the movement of reapers, their dark shapes casting long shadows on what was left of Thessia's largest city.

Shepard crouched behind a toppled wall and wiped the sweat off her forehead with the back of one hand. The heat on Thessia was incredible and it beat against her skin like the hot breath of a monster, reeking of blood, death and burned flesh. Since their hot drop into the city a few hours ago, Shepard, Garrus and Liara had done nothing but fight, and the humid air and high temperatures were taking their toll.

They'd started out fighting alongside a team of asari commandos, but they'd been recalled and redistributed over an hour ago to assist in the evacuation of civilians. Shepard couldn't blame them; Thessia was falling apart, and the Normandy team was making progress without them. The commandos were probably better off helping their own people anyway, because even with their advanced biotics and their technological superiority, the reapers were ripping the asari apart at the seams.

"Watch your five, Shepard!" Garrus' voice sounded in her earpiece. "You've got a swarm of husks heading your way."

Grunting, Rennah pushed herself to her feet and spied the husks crawling through the rubble, their blue eyes glowing like beacons in the gloom. She gathered her biotics and unleashed a shockwave, not at the husks, but at a huge slab of cement which toppled over onto the swarm, squishing several of them flat. Garrus sniped the remainder of them with well-placed rounds to their heads, and silence returned to their little corner of hell.

Shepard scanned the area for more reapers troops and, finding none, she sank back down behind cover. Her hands trembled as she tore open an energy gel and sucked it down, desperate to replenish her waning energy levels. The gel tasted of chemicals and sugar, but she swallowed it anyway. Her biotics were taking a hammering and a bone-deep ache of weariness had settled inside of her body. The gel would help, but she longed for real food. Even one of James' tasteless protein bars would have gone down good right about now.

She tossed the crumpled wrapper on the ground and pressed her hand to the transceiver in her ear. "Okay kids, break time's over. Let's move out."

"Roger that, Shepard."

Garrus and Liara appeared from inside the burnt-out shell of a building, both of them splattered with the remains of a banshee that Shepard had taken out with a Hydra Missile. How long ago had she killed that hideous shrieking thing? An hour? Fifteen minutes? Time seemed to have no place in the middle of a fight, though Rennah knew they'd been planet side for a few hours at least. Garrus was holding up fine, but Liara looked to be in shock as well as completely exhausted.

_Bringing her with was a mistake_ , Shepard reflected as she watched her friends pick their way through the rubble. Seeing her beloved home world in ruins was taking a heavy toll on the young asari, and her luminous blue eyes were heavy with grief. Part of Rennah wanted to comfort her, but both she and Garrus knew that Liara needed some time to process.

Besides, they didn't have time to stop and hold Liara's hand. They were here to retrieve a mystery artefact from the Temple of Athame. An artefact that Tevos thought might help them discover the missing component from the Crucible; the mysterious Catalyst.

"How far to the temple?" Shepard checked her thermal clip as she spoke, trying to ignore the faint throbbing from her missing eye.

Her socket always ached, sometimes so badly that she thought her eye was still there, but when she used her biotics the pain got worse, and today was the hardest she'd pushed herself since the injury. The pain, normally manageable, had built up and now sharp needles of agony were stabbing at her socket. On the plus side, Miranda's VI was working well and her depth perception and focusing was infinitely better than it had been. The biggest problem she had was the blind spot on her right; it felt as though a third of her visual range was gone.

"Not far." Rage and pain burned like twin infernos in Liara's normally gentle eyes. "The temple is beyond these buildings."

"Good." Garrus switched his rounds over to cryo and stretched, his ligaments cracking. "I'm getting sick of wading through husks, and I'm curious about what it is that Tevos sent us down to get."

Rennah nodded and followed Liara as she chose a path between the crumbling buildings and piles of twisted metal. "I'm curious about that myself. She was pretty evasive about it on the Citadel, and just spouted some crap about every race having secrets, and how in the wrong hands this artefact could tip the balance of power. The usual kind of holy-than-thou Tevos shit."

"Shepard, please." Liara glanced over her shoulder with a frown. "I know she may come across as being selfish, but she's only looking after her people. _My_ people."

_If she wanted to look after her people, she should have come to the war summit and joined forces with the rest of the council earlier. Instead of hiding away on the Citadel and acting as though the reapers were Earth's problem alone …_

"Maybe," Shepard agreed reluctantly, keeping her thoughts to herself. "But by holding out on us, Tevos may have doomed Thessia and her people."

The asari sighed unhappily. "I hope you're wrong about that."

"So do I, Liara. Believe me."

The path widened and Shepard moved forward to take point as they left the relative safety of the rubble and crossed into exposed ground. She crouched reflectively as a harvester flew over, roaring and letting out piercing shrieks as a gunship followed it, firing relentlessly. Once it vanished she hurried on at a jog, determined to reach the temple and find the artefact so she could get back to the ship and away from this planet.

Her eyes narrowed and she glanced upwards, wondering how the Normandy was faring high above them.

As soon as they'd entered the system they'd been besieged by half a dozen ships ferrying refugees off the planet, all of them asking for assistance. Joker had wanted to go in guns blazing and distract the reapers to buy the rescue ships some time, but Shepard had forbidden it. Kaidan had the bridge while she was gone, and he had strict instructions to stay out of the fighting. It hurt to give the orders when so many asari were dying, but she couldn't risk the Normandy being damaged, or worse, destroyed

Rennah's thoughts lingered on James as she moved from cover to cover, alert for danger. Even the thought of him made her heart beat faster and her breath catch in her throat. Their evening together the night before had been like nothing she'd ever experienced, and the memories sent a rush of heat rolling through her body. She'd slept soundly in his arms, and in the morning, after they'd made love again, they'd slipped back into their respective roles as Commander and Lieutenant.

It was one of the things that she respected about James the most; that he could take a step back from their relationship and become a soldier again with ease. He understood her abilities and her leadership, and he in turn respected the boundaries of their relationship. It didn't mean that he liked watching her go off on dangerous missions without him, hell, she knew he hated it, but he knew better than to try to use their relationship to manipulate her.

He'd been down in the shuttle bay working on upgrading their weapons when they left, and one glance from him had been enough for her to know that he was going to worry about her until she got back. Nor could she blame him, one look at Thessia had been enough to worry her too, though she had every confidence in her own ability to get the job done and get out alive.

"Commander!" Garrus pulled up sharply behind a barricade, his mandibles flaring angrily as he peered around the corner. "We have two brutes up ahead."

"Is there another way?" She hated sneaking around, but brutes were dangerous and so far they'd managed to elude any they'd come across.

"No."

Shepard holstered her handgun and drew her shotgun. "Shit."

"My thoughts exactly."

"Liara? Are we good?" Shepard glanced at the asari, her blue eyes were focused on the distant shape of a huge Sovereign-class reaper destroying the city. "Liara?"

"Sorry, yes. We're good." Liara nodded and tore her eyes away. "The sooner we get past them, the sooner we can stop this slaughter."

"Okay. I'll take the brute on the right, you two take the one on the left." Rennah switched her shotgun to incendiary rounds and glanced around the corner at their targets. "Let's go."

She swung out from cover fast, focusing her biotics and hurling herself forward as she charged on a wave of energy. Charging always sent tingles of power thrumming through her body; it was as close to flying as a human could come. The power swelled within her as she closed in on the brute, and Shepard spared a thought for biotics like Kaidan, who would never know what it was like to gather all their energy up and expend it in one big burst of speed and power.

The brute rose up ahead of her, growing larger and larger until its ugly twisted form filled her vision. She slammed into it hard, her shoulder charge knocking it headlong into some twisted metal pipes. It roared and shook its head as it clambered to its feet, but Rennah barely heard it as she gathered her remaining biotic power into a blindingly bright biotic attack and used a nova to fry it senseless.

The energy tore through her body like lightning, exploding into the brute and knocking it senseless, but it still didn't go down, and she backed away quickly. _Damn, this brute is one tough bastard!_ When biotics failed there were always guns, and Rennah grimaced as she unloaded her shotgun into it, adrenaline surging through her veins.

Finally, it crashed to its knees and stared at her stupidly for a moment, its twisted turian features frozen into an almost mechanical snarl. Then it let out a small groan and sagged to the ground, its huge bulk going still as dark fluids leaked from its mouth.

She took a step towards it, intending to make sure it was down for good, when a roar of pain sounded from behind her. Shepard felt the air move around her a moment before a ten-ton shuttle car slammed into her. Or maybe it was a really pissed or krogan warlord. Or a brute. Whatever it was, it smashed into her like a wrecking ball and she was knocked though the air.

Shepard bit back a yelp of pain as she was slammed into chunks of cement and twisted steel, her vision spinning dangerously. She hit a metal beam sticking out of the ground and her armour did little to dull the pain of the high impact collision, as pain radiated through her hips and lower back. For a second she felt as though she was hanging suspended in the air, then she crumpled to the dusty ground in agony.

Confused, she stared dazedly up at the brute that had sent her flying _,_ then her survival instincts kicked in and with a muffled curse of pain Shepard rolled to her feet. The brute roared and she ignoring the searing pain in her hips as she scrambled out of the way of its second charge. _Get away! Run! Hide!_ Her brain screamed at her in primal terror; a terror that threatened to overwhelm her common sense as pain lanced through her body and she stumbled to the ground.

The brute turned and readied a third charge, its beady eyes focusing on her … then it's body snapped to the side and it roared as Garrus sniped it in the head with a concussive round. It screamed in agony and whirled to face the turian, but Liara caught it with a singularity and Garrus finished it off with another round to the head. It died like its brother had; twitching on the ground and bleeding black blood.

Relieved, Shepard slumped to the ground and heard the tell-tale _hiss_ of her suit injecting her with a localised shot of medigel and anaesthetic. Her hip hurt badly enough that she knew she'd done something nasty to it. Maybe a fracture, or if she was lucky it might only be a pinched nerve, severe bruising or a pulled muscle.

All she knew was that it hurt.

"Spirits, Shepard!" Garrus made his way to her and offered her a hand as she climbed unsteadily to her feet. "Are you okay?"

"I'm fine." Rennah stretched to one side and winced as a jolt of pain shot down her back. "What the hell happened?"

Liara met her eyes guiltily. "It was my fault. My stasis failed."

"Well, don't let it happen again. I've seen you hold brutes for much longer before …" Shepard bit off the end of her words with a grimace, and winced as her suit let out a second hiss and injected more localised pain killers into her.

If Liara responded, she never heard her.

They continued forward as soon as the pain faded to a bearable level. Her body ached terribly, but Shepard knew she could still move and fight, so she pushed on. They made it the rest of the way without anything more significant than a harvester flyby and a few rogue husks, who announced themselves with their ghoulish screams as they scampered towards them. Liara made short work of the husks, flinging them away with vicious biotic swats that sent them reeling into buildings with satisfying crunches.

When they reached the entrance, Shepard froze in surprise; the temple was one of the most beautiful buildings she had ever seen. It had been elegantly built, with graceful arches and clean lines that stretched high into the sky, as though reaching out towards the goddess Athame herself. The age of the building impressed her, though she was less impressed by the barrier blocking their way that, in her eyes, was military grade and overkill for temple security.

"You asari take your religion seriously." Garrus commented as Liara hacked the barrier down and they proceeded inside.

She nodded and frowned slightly. "It is … _unusual_. No other temple is guarded so heavily."

The inside of the temple was blissfully cold, and Shepard grinned in amusement as she _thanked the goddess_ that the asari had climate control in their temples. The cool interior and dim lighting made the room seem cave-like as it stretched around them, though the cavernous space was dominated by a huge statue of Athame. Shepard let her vision adjust and peered around, expecting to see the team of scientists that Tevos had arranged to meet them here, but the temple was empty.

"What exactly are we looking for again?" Garrus stood beside her and sniffed at the earthy coolness in the air. " _Everything_ in here seems like it could be an artefact."

"You're right about that." Shepard ran her eyes over row after row of display cases filled with strange and ancient looking objects. "Tevos never said what it was, so it could be anything."

"Most of these relate to the Goddess Athame." Liara blinked as she adjusted to the dim lighting. "I think we should look around and see if anything stands out."

Shepard nodded and moved off, glancing in each case as she moved past. Most of them seemed to be old statues or tattered pieces of parchment, a few of the statues looked suspiciously like Javik, though she kept her thoughts to herself. The asari were a proud people, and Liara was having a bad enough day without her pointing out that the Goddess Athame appeared to resemble a prothean. As she moved closer to the front of the temple her skin began to feel tight and itchy and something fluttered in the back of her mind, like a loose thread tickling her memories.

She edged forward and came to a stop at the sight of two bodies sprawled on the floor. _The missing scientists?_ Their throats had been slit from ear to ear, and blood had pooled around them, fresh enough that it was still cherry red and uncoagulated. _Reapers didn't do this._ Shepard thought as she crouched next to them, checking for identification or other marks. _The reapers will rip you to shreds, but they won't slit your throat._

"Over here." She waved to Liara and Garrus. "I think I've found our scientists."

Liara's mouth tightened angrily when she saw the bodies. "Goddess! Who could have done this?"

"Not reapers, that's for sure." Shepard glanced around, a creeping sensation dancing over her skin. "Keep your eyes open. Something tells me we're not alone in here."

The fluttering, tickling sensation pulled tightly inside of her head again and Shepard moved to the huge statue of Athame, looking up at it and frowning. She could hear something inside of her head, a sound almost like white noise, and it grew louder as she moved to the statue. Catching her lip between her teeth, she reached out a hand and gasped as energy, similar to a biotic jolt, ran down her arm and the statue began to glow.

"A beacon!" Liara exclaimed from behind her. "It's reacting to _you,_ Shepard! Perhaps it's the cypher you got on Feros?"

"Could be." Shepard placed her hand more firmly on the console at the foot of the statue and the beacon activated fully, coming alive in a burst of energy that crashed over her in a tingling wave.

A glowing orb rose out of the beacon and scanned her, and Shepard repressed a shiver as the green light tingled over her. She could almost hear it inside of her head; a rushing chittering sound that reminded her of the white noise she'd heard on Horizon when she woke up Javik. The light passed over her painlessly and the orb changed into a prothean form, focusing on her with its holographic eyes.

"Post prothean cycle confirmed." It spoke in a hollow monotone voice and cast its gaze around the room, pausing to watch the destruction going on outside. "Reaper presence detected. System shutting down …"

"No!" Liara spoke before Shepard could, stepping forward with her hand outstretched. "We need answers! We need your help!"

Rennah stepped into the path of the holographic prothean. "Wait, we only need the answer to one question."

The projection paused and seemed to look at _her_ , its eyes curious. "To what question?"

"I need to know what the catalyst is, so we can finish building the crucible." She held its gaze as it watched her, appearing to process her words.

It shook its head. "It is too late, the reapers are already here. Extinction is inevitable …"

"Screw that." Shepard glared at the projection as resentment burned through her. _How dare this thing judge us as being beyond help!_ "We can still beat them, all we need is this one thing. Just because you couldn't stop them, doesn't mean that we can't."

It seemed to ponder her words again. "We failed because we were sabotaged from within. A splinter group argued for us to control the reapers rather than destroy them. In the end, our people waged war not only with the reapers, but with _ourselves_. We discovered too late that the separatists were already indoctrinated."

"Cerberus." Garrus growled and met her gaze meaningfully.

She nodded. "We face the same problem, which is why we need the catalyst. Trillions of lives are at risk …"

"That is unimportant. The reapers are already here, which means you are too late."

"Bullshit!" Rennah glared angrily at the glowing prothean. "We found your plans and the crucible is already being built. We just need the catalyst! If you don't tell me, then you're condemning every living being in our galaxy to death!"

"They are not our plans. Each cycle adds to it, but none have ever defeated the reapers with it." It spoke dispassionately, as though uninterested in her cycle's plight.

"We'll be the first then." Adrenaline surged though her as she stepped close, unwilling to give up and take no for an answer. "Just tell us what the catalyst is! Give us the chance to destroy them!"

"Please! We _can_ do this." Liara added her voice to the argument, her eyes reflecting the green light of the hologram. "What do you have to lose?"

Finally, after what seemed like an age, the projection nodded. "Very well. If you have followed the plans for the crucible I will interface with your system and show you the …" It froze, spinning around to face the entrance of the temple. "Indoctrinated presence detected. Activating security protocol."

It vanished in a flash and Rennah swung around as a shadow fell over them, stretching the length of temple as someone stepped in front of the light. She knew the silhouette almost immediately; _Kai Leng._ They'd only met face to face once before when he'd tried to help Udina with the coup attempt, but the memory of that day was enough to send a wave of blistering hate burning through her veins.

_He was the one who killed Thane!_

"You!" She ground her teeth and drew her gun, ignoring the sound of the gunship hovering outside. "What do you want?"

Kai Leng smiled as he came closer, pleased to have taken them by surprise. "Your attention, of course. The Illusive Man would like to speak with you."

He flicked a holo-ball into the air and the Illusive Man's form slowly took shape, looking much the same as he had back on Mars when he appeared to her then. The sight of him fanned the flames of the anger inside of her, and when he flashed her a mocking smile she clenched her teeth so hard they creaked.

"Shepard." He purred her name, as though chastising a naughty child. "It's been too long. I was hoping to have had you back at my side months ago."

She ignored him. "What do you want?"

"Lots of things." He smiled. "But mostly I want to control the reapers and put humanity back on top."

"Not going to happen." Shepard spat on the ground in front of him, tightening her hold on her gun and wishing she could shoot him. "We're going to destroy them."

The Illusive Man shook his head. "Oh Shepard, when are you going to wake up? I tried to do the right thing and bring you back in so we could work together. You've a valuable asset and with you on our side the Alliance, humanity, and even the aliens would follow our lead."

"So that's why you've been after me." She scowled. "I'd never join you."

He chuckled and walked past her to look at the beacon. "You might be surprised. Our methods of persuasion are highly effective."

"You indoctrinate people." Liara was watching Kai Leng, but she glanced at the hologram quickly. "You make slaves out of them. You're no better than the reapers."

The Illusive Man glanced at Liara in amusement. "The reapers are destroying humans, I'm preserving them."

"Well, you're not going to be _preserving_ me." Rennah focused her gun at the holo-ball, and flashed him a brittle smile. "I'm going to destroy the reapers."

"That will gain us nothing." He waved his hand dismissively. "The reapers could wipe out _all_ organic life if they wanted to, but what they really want is to control us. Think about it, with the crucible _we_ would be the ones in charge. _We_ could control them."

"I think you've gotten a little too close to the enemy." Shepard glared at him. "I know the sound of indoctrination when I hear it."

The Illusive Man spun to face her, putting the beacon at his back as he gave her a patronising look. "Don't be stupid, Shepard. I see everything more clearly now, that's all. I was foolish to think you could ever understand something like this. You're a killer, a well-respected killer, but a killer nonetheless and the subtleties of control are lost on you."

"Probably." She sighted on the holo-ball and pulled the trigger. "I always did like destroying things."

Her shot hit the ball directly, and the hologram began to dissipate as it fell to the ground sparking. The Illusive Man's voice came out in a final broken statement. "Leng, get the data I need and bring it to me. If you can't persuade the commander to join us, then dispose of her."

"Gladly."

Rennah swung around to face the assassin, anger surging through her once more as he drew his sword and smiled at her creepily. The Illusive Man was a crazy son of a bitch, but he was right about one thing; she _was_ a killer, and she'd be damned if she'd let herself get taken out by Kai Leng.

Not when she still owed him a knife to the chest for Thane.

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**A/N - I know this wasn't the most exciting chapter, but everything is building. The next chapter will be interesting. Let me know what you thought!**


	51. Gave Up

_Disclaimer: I don't own Mass Effect_

**A/N – This took much longer to get out than I intended, but a lot happened to me in the last week. I celebrated my 30** **th** **birthday, I also had my car broken into and one of my pets died. It's been a very trying week and I haven't had a lot of time to write – hopefully you guys understand and forgive the late update.**

****I hope you enjoy this chapter, it's nowhere near as painful for Shepard as *that* chapter was, but hopefully you still feel it.**   
**

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_He was fast._

_Oh God, he was fast._

Within seconds of Kai Leng drawing his sword and lunging at her, Shepard realised exactly how much trouble she was in. While he moved with grace and surety, her movements were tempered by exhaustion, and the pain from her missing eye throbbed constantly. In different circumstances, they might have been equally matched in hand to hand combat, but not in her current state.

Right now, she was in trouble.

Leng's sword whistled sharply as it cut through the air, missing Shepard's face by millimetres as she pulled away. It glanced off her shoulder guard, sparking, and she aimed an intense biotic blow at his chest. He staggered back, but recovered fast, and dropped into a fighting pose, his lips curving into a smirk as he watched her.

"Nice to see you still have some fight left in you." He danced around her lightly, his movements fluid and quick, like water. "I was worried this would be _too_ easy after Cain cut you up."

He lunged forward, thrusting his sword point towards her chest, and Shepard cursed as she dodged the blade. Too late she recognised his swordplay as a foil, and his biotic attack caught her shoulder, piercing pain shooting down her arm. The force of his blast sent her spinning to the ground, and Shepard caught a glimpse of Leng looming over her with his sword up. Her adrenaline surged madly, and she rolled to the side; narrowly avoiding being impaled as Leng stabbed his sword at her midsection.

_He's bold_ , Shepard thought, _I'll give him that!_

She kicked at his kneecap, and Leng grunted as it crumpled under him and he fell forward. It must have hurt, but he only smirked; as though enjoying this fight with her. He flashed her a mad smile and flipped to his feet, throwing himself towards her and slashing at her face.

"Bastard!" Shepard cursed him as she used a throw to try and keep him off her.

The air crackled with blue energy as their biotics clashed, and Shepard winced as the sharp edge of his sword bit into her cheek ... then Leng vanished; flung backwards as her power overwhelmed his. She ground her teeth and rolled to her knees, clutching her face as something wet and warm slid down her cheek. It hurt. The deep gash stretched from eye level down to her jaw, and the side of her face burned.

_Fuck! Not good!_

Blood flowed down her face, splattered onto her armour and trickled into her left eye, stinging and blinding her. Shepard tried to wipe her eye with the side of one hand as she got to her feet, but only succeeded in smearing more blood into it. Fear curled through her as the world darkened and her vision narrowed to a red and black blur.

Her heart hammered in her chest, blood thundered in her ears and the room seemed to spin as she reeled blindly away from Leng. She teetered, frighteningly off balance, and a whimper of fear escaped as she doubled over and tried to blink the blood out. It wouldn't take Kai Leng long to recover, and she wanted her vision back before she tangled with him again.

"Fuck! Keep him off me!" Rennah yelled as a scuffling sound came closer.

_Was it him?_

"I'm on it, Shepard," Garrus called out, his voice firm and reassuring.

She heard the sound of a blade scraping on stone, followed by gun fire; the short rattling sounds of Liara's SMG, and the louder, sharper _thwacks_ of Garrus' concussive shots. One of his rounds hit something next to her, and she heard an ' _oomph'_ as Leng went down. Her heart almost froze in her chest; _he was right next to her._ _Right fucking next to her, and she couldn't see him!_

As they fought around her, Rennah stemmed the bleeding and wiped most of the blood out of her eye. Her vision blurred, but she could see well enough to focus on Leng as he lay gasping on the ground. Garrus had nailed him in the face, and his visor lay shattered in pieces around him. Some of the smaller fragments embedded in his face, oozing blood.

His eyes met hers and he snarled. In a flash he leapt to his feet and went at Garrus, his movements ninja-like and hard to follow. It was a flamboyant style of fighting; not practical at all, though it reminded her of Phantoms. She repressed a shiver, revulsion creeping along her skin at the thought of becoming one of those barely human _things_.

_A Cerberus slave._

She shoved her feelings aside, and brought up her gun, intending to put a bullet in Leng's head, when he cloaked. Shepard blinked and looked around, but he was nowhere to be seen. The bastard was toying with them, she just knew it. Anger, thick and hot, pulsed through her body; _how dare he!  
_

"On your guard," she growled from between clenched teeth as she listened for movement.

She heard nothing.

Leng was good.

Too good.

Dangerous.

_Shit_.

Garrus glanced at her quickly, his eyes flicking to her in a bird-like movement. "Shepard, you okay?

"Fine. Focus on Leng." Irritation burbled up at Garrus' concern, and she squished it down; Garrus had every right to worry about her.

Laughter rang out, deep and mocking, and Leng uncloaked beside Liara. His face twisted into crazy grin, manic even, and Shepard caught a glimpse of his emotionless grey eyes as he winked at her. He moved impossibly fast, and in a blur of motion he struck Liara in the throat. The air rang with a sickening crunch and a thick gurgling scream from Liara, then Leng threw her at Garrus. They were knocked into a display case, and glass scattered across the floor with a tinkling sound.

Shepard turned her attention to Leng in time to see him charge towards her. His sword sliced through the air and she flung herself backwards, the blade missing her neck by the narrowest of margins. She hit the ground hard, and her armour screamed like a wounded animal as it scraped on the floor. Instantly, Leng attacked again, using his sword and his biotics to drive her back.

It took everything she had to avoid his blows. He pressed her hard, slashing and stabbing, and harried her backwards across the ground. Frustrated, she concentrated at holding him at bay with biotic attacks, but he avoided them with pathetic ease. Finally, with a burst of mocking laughter, he dodged in and landed a savage kick to her midsection.

Pain exploded through her body and Shepard saw stars; red hot bursts of light that flickered through her head. Leng dropped to his knees and pinned her while she lay stunned, one hand catching both of her wrists while he straddled her. His cold, dead eyes stared down into her face with an almost clinical kind of interest. He squeezed her wrists, testing her armour, and Shepard's gauntlets creaked from the force of his grip.

"You know," he drawled, "Cain made it sound as though you were something special. So did the Illusive Man, for that matter, but you're not, are you? You're just another Alliance marine." His grip tightened and her gauntlets cracked, the metal splitting with a metallic _ping_. The crumpled armour bit into her wrists with needle-like teeth, and Leng leaned closer. "Does it hurt?"

"Fuck you!" Rennah snarled at him, ignoring the searing agony with pig-headed determination.

_She would not let the man who had killed Thane beat her!_

Leng laughed, tossing his head back and cackling like a madman. "You're tough, I'll give you that. But you know what?" He leaned closer, his breath brushing intimately against her cheek, sending shivers of revulsion down her spine. "You all scream in the end ..."

He squeezed her wrists again and the broken shards of metal bit deeper into her skin. Razor-sharp agony seared along her nerves, burning like acid. Shepard caught her lip between her teeth, but a small whimper escaped her as Leng squeezed harder. He ground the metal deeper and deeper until the pain exploded through her and a scream was torn from her throat.

His laugh trickled around her, and he pressed his face to hers, his weight grinding her into the floor. Their position was usually reserved for intimate partners, but there was nothing sexual or intimate about _this_. His smirk grew wider at her discomfort, and Leng lowered his mouth to her ear, his free hand settling lightly on her hip.

Shepard's skin crawled.

"Did it hurt when he cut out your eye?" he whispered to her hoarsely. "Did you scream for him too?"

"Get off me." Rennah pulled away sharply and cracked her head on her ground. Her teeth pierced her lip, and the sweet, coppery taste of blood filled her mouth.

Leng chuckled and pressed his mouth to the side of her face, his lips cold against her skin. She gasped, horrified, as his tongue flicked out and traced the edge of her wound. "I bet you screamed. I can only imagine how horrible it must have been when he did it. Your own _daddy_ …"

" _No_!"

Shepard frantically pushed him away, and her biotics flared in an eruption of rage and humiliation. The burst of power slammed into him, and Leng flew off her. His body pin-wheeled through the air and bounced on the ground. He leapt up instantly, his face twisted into a snarl, and a smear of blood across his pale skin.

He attacked with his sword up, but Shepard was waiting, and before he could slash at her, she charged. Rage throbbed through her body; years of hurt and pain burning inside of her. She screamed as she flung herself forward; her biotics roaring through her body.

She smashed into Leng with the force of a loader, and his armour creaked as they collided, but he didn't go down. Instead he grunted at the impact and caught her to him. He slammed his elbow into the back of her neck, grinding her amp port into her spine, and Shepard screamed as agony flared through her body.

The pain blinded Shepard as it ripped through her body; fiery and all-consuming. When her vision cleared she lay on the floor with Leng above her, firing _her gun_ at something she couldn't see. _At_ _Liara? Or Garrus?_ Shepard groaned in agony and closed her eyes; it felt like a pack of angry varren had been chewing on her body.

"Poor Commander Shepard."

She opened her eyes at Leng's sarcastic whisper; his face hovered inches from hers. He looked less sure of himself now, and his white skin was flecked with blood and dirt, but the goddamned smirk was still firmly in place.

Shepard longed to wipe it off.

"You're not used to losing, are you?" He smoothed a freezing hand down her cheek and cupped her face. "I can only imagine how much you must hate this. First Cain, when he cut your eye out, and now me."

"Get off!" Shepard spat angrily.

She tried to move her arms again, but the fiery pain raced back down her nerve endings, stealing the breath from her body.

But her arms _did_ move _._

Leng leaned even closer, his eyes excited. "I've never cut someone's eye out before." He brought his sword to her face, holding the tip inches from her eye. "Maybe I should finish the job …"

His blade danced in her vision, the tip glinting in the temple lighting, and terror snaked through Shepard like wildfire. The fear burst through her like a mindless _thing_ ; stronger, bigger and thicker than the anger she'd felt earlier, but just as consuming. The radiating pain from her body vanished under the adrenaline that pulsed through her as he lowered the sword.

" _Don't touch me!"_

Shepard exploded; her biotics flaring like a supernova as she lashed out at Leng. She knocked his sword away, and he leapt to his feet to avoid her attack. The flare did little to hurt him, but he was off her, and Shepard seized his blade and rolled to her feet, crouching defensively as he stood over her. Leng chuckled, and drew her gun again, ejecting a spent thermal clip as he raised it to her head.

She lunged towards him, and his laughter burbled into a scream as Shepard brought the sword down on his boot; the tip slicing through his flesh and biting into the ground with a solid _thwuck_! Leng howled and knocked her aside with his biotics, his grey eyes burning with pain as he pulled the sword out and reeled away.

Shepard fell to the ground, her limbs trembling as the pain trickled back through her body. _Where are Liara and Garrus?_ She wondered fuzzily. _I can't keep this up much longer._

"Target the supports!" Kai Leng spoke into a transceiver as he backed away, trailing blood.

Behind him, the light from the doorway darkened as the outline of a gunship filled the space. There wasn't time to do anything but duck as the gunship opened fire. The bullets bit into the temple supports and showered Shepard with razor sharp chunks of stone as she curled into a ball to protect herself. The ground vibrated and purred, and she swore loudly as she heard the piercing roar of rockets rush by.

The temple disintegrated as the largest of the support beams came down, crashing _through_ the floor, and leaving a gaping space. The ground heaved, rippling as though it were a liquid, and cracks spiderwebbed out as the floor began to collapse. Shepard scrambled away, desperately clawing and fumbling at the rubble as the hole widened behind her.

Someone screamed Shepard's name as the slab of floor she landed on broke free, and she plummeted into the dark. Desperately, she tried to launch herself at the floor above, but her finger tips only brushed the edge before she fell back. Her body ricocheted off something hard, and Shepard fumbled in the dark as her shoulder hit a ledge. She grabbed hold of the rough stone on instinct, her shoulders screaming in agony as her arms were almost pulled from their sockets.

Somehow, she held on.

Shepard sobbed with effort as she clung to the outcropping of stone, waves of pain ripping through her battered body. Her fingers dug into the rough edges of the ledge and slowly, bit by bit, she forced herself to climb.

It was hell.

Shepard's breath caught in her throat every time her fingers started to slip or she fumbled for purchase; but she held on. Her shoulders ached, her eye throbbed and her sore hip felt as though a dagger was being forced into it; but she held on. She clung to thoughts of James up above in the Normandy, probably half mad as he listened to their comm line; she held on for him.

She _could_ do this.

She _would_ do this.

For him.

Finally, Shepard reached the top and clawed her way over the edge - just in time to see Leng walk away from the beacon. His shadow stretched across the floor; long and thin. He caught sight of her and grinned, his eyes sparkling with amusement and he paused to watch her climb free.

He raised an eyebrow. "Still alive?"

"Still alive," she confirmed, her legs dangling over the abyss.

"For now." His eyes darkened. "I hope we meet again."

For the briefest of seconds, she thought Leng planned to let her live, but with a laugh, he rammed his sword into a deep crack in the temple floor. There was a piercing roar, a deep rumble, and the temple began to break up once more.

The floor gave way, tilting sharply, and Shepard screamed as she slid back into the abyss, the darkness swallowing her. With the last of her strength she caught hold of the temple floor with one hand, her body swinging pendulously as she clung on for dear life.

Her fingers began to slip.

One by one.

_No. Please no._

"Shepard!" Liara appeared, her face splattered with blood.

She dove for Shepard's hands, her slim fingers tightening around her wrist as she held on. Swirls of dust billowed through the air around them, and the temple gave a shuddering groan as another support beam toppled. The floor trembled, the building creaked, and Shepard slid further into the abyss as Liara tried, and failed, to pull her up.

_She doesn't have the strength._

Shepard felt calm as she looked into Liara's eyes. "Let me go, Liara."

"Shepard, no."

"That's an order!" She twisted her wrist, hoping to dislodge her, but Liara clung to her grimly.

"No!" She shook her head, her rasping voice determined. "I don't take orders from you!"

Shepard gasped as the flood shuddered again and their ledge gave way a little more. "You have to! Or we'll both fall!"

"No!"

"Don't be stupid!" Shepard appealed, "We'll both die if you don't let go."

"I won't let you die again! I can do this, Shepard!" Liara's voice cracked, and her biotics hummed to life, enveloping Shepard in a warm bubble.

Aided by Liara's impressive biotics, Shepard managed to pull herself up and onto the ledge. Her chest heaved with exertion and her body ached with pain and fatigue; but she was safe. They collapsed together in an exhausted pile, still hand in hand, and Shepard bit back a sob of relief.

She glanced at Liara and pushed her lingering fear away. "Liara, thank you. I …"

Shepard broke off as a huge chunk of the ceiling fell free crashed to the floor with booming roar. The temple shuddered and heaved, and with no warning, the ledge they were on broke free.

There wasn't even time to scream as they plummeted into the blackened void.

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**A/N – Thanks for bearing with me over these last few days - the next chapter is a James chapter. Please review - I'd love to know what you guys thought of this chapter.**


	52. Stigmata Matyr

Disclaimer: I don't own Mass Effect

**A/N - Apologies on how long this took to get up. I've been distracted this week and work is just insane at the moment. Plus I was dealing with a broken down car, a cyclone and all sorts of craziness. When I posted my last chapter the site was having problems, and I missed a lot of my regular reviewers. I hope you're still reading along and that you enjoyed the last chapter! Thank you all for sticking with me - Enjoy!**

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James gripped the edge of his work bench so tightly that his fingers ached; Leng was _hurting_ Shepard.

He stood perfectly still as he listened to the ground over the comm, his muscles rigid with tension, as though his blood had been replaced with steel. Even his breath seemed to freeze, half in terror and half in fury, as he head every sound of pain that Rennah made. It was torture; every time Leng got close enough for James to hear his voice, a wave of furious anger crashed over him.

James closed his eyes, fighting for control as his emotions raged inside of him like demons, clawing at his insides. Standing here, _helpless_ , would drive him mad. _But what else can I do?_ He'd never been the kind of soldier, or the kind of man, to sit back while his comrades were in danger.

And knowing that it was Shepard down there in need of help made it all the harder.

He curled one hand into a fist, adrenaline surging through his body as he pondered stealing a shuttle and going to Thessia himself. James snorted softly and uncurled his hand; he'd never do it. It was madness, and besides, he'd be disobeying _Shepard's_ orders if he went down after her.

_But can you really continue to stand here like this?_   A voice in the back of his head piped up. _What_ _if Leng kills her? What if she dies while you stand here listening … ._

A noise sounded behind him; a quiet scape of metal-on-metal that James ignored. Instead he focused every fiber of his being into listening to the comm. He wasn't even sure what he was listening for. Maybe a sign that things were getting worse for her? James knew he was torturing himself, but he couldn't seem to stop.

"Lieutenant Vega?" EDI spoke hesitantly from behind him, as though unsure of her reception.

James raised his head but didn't turn around as he answered, "Unless you've come to tell me that we're going in after Shepard, I don't want to hear it."

She cleared her throat, a human habit which she used so frequently that James barely thought it odd anymore. " _Actually_ , Major Alenko _has_ decided to extract the ground team himself. Given the circumstances, I thought you would want to know. "

He nodded, but the words of thanks died in his throat as Leng's voice came over the comm. His voice so perfectly clear that James knew he'd have to be right _on top_ of Rennah. _"You're tough,"_ he drawled nastily, _"I'll give you that. But you know what? You all scream in the end ..."_

James clenched his hands into fists once more, gritting his teeth at the smug tone in Leng's voice. _Come on, Shepard! Get him off you! Fight back!_ For a moment, there was the sound of scuffling and James let himself hope she'd broken free … but then Rennah screamed; a sharp, unwilling cry of agony.

The scream scraped painfully along his nerves, like nails on a blackboard, and James winced. That was it! He was going down there! Rage poured over his skin in a scalding wave and he whirled around from the bench. If Alenko planned to take a team down, than he was going to be on it!

Beyond EDI the lift doors opened and Kaidan exited with Javik and Cortez in tow. James clenched his teeth and, with his target in sight, brushed past the ship's mobile platform and strode towards them. He could hear EDI hurrying behind him, her metallic heels clinking on the floor, but he only had eyes for Alenko.

_If he thought for one second that they would go without him, then he had another thing coming!_

James raised his voice. "Major, if you're taking a team down ..."

"No way." Kaidan shook his head, the muscles in his jaw clenched tight. He spared James a brief glance and he continued to the armoury, while Cortez and Javik peeled off for the shuttle. "You're not cleared for ground duty, Lieutenant."

Shepard screamed again, a horrible cry which ended in a whimper, and James burned with fury. He stormed after the Major, ripped off his shirt and opened his locker with hands that trembled from his need to do _something_ to help her.

Nothing would stop him from going down there and making Leng pay – _not_ Alenko, _not_ the Alliance and _not_ even Shepard herself!

"Screw that, I'm coming," James growled as he pulled on his under-armour. The Major started to make a sound of protest, but James shot him a wrathful look. "I don't care if you court martial me or lock me in the brig when we get back, but I'm coming with you."

Alenko opened his mouth to reply, but Leng's voice came back over the comm. _"Did it hurt when he cut out your eye? Did you scream for him too?"_

The tone in his voice was low, rough and _aroused_ , and James' flesh crawled in revulsion. The anger swelled in his chest like a giant bristling beast, and James clenched his teeth so hard they ached. If Leng tried anything with Ren, _anything at all_ , then he would rip him limb from limb!

_"Get off me."_ Shepard sounded louder, clearer, but it only emphasised the fear in her voice.

James had never heard her sound like this in his life, and the chill it sent down his spine tempered his rage. Commander Shepard didn't get scared; she stood up to every enemy who came up against her and never backed down.

_But she sounded scared now._

He blinked back to reality as Kaidan let out his breath in an angry hiss, and James resumed pulling his armour on. His tumultuous emotions and nervous energy spurred him on, and he finished dressing before the Major.

There were small unidentifiable sounds over the comm. Noises that could have been fighting, or could have been … _No!_ James shut his thoughts down. He would not dwell on what might be happening down below! Or _why_ Ren would be screaming at Leng to get _off_ her. He felt sick enough without his imagination going that _that_ particular path.

James flinched as Leng laughed. _"I bet you screamed. I can only imagine how horrible it must have been when he did it. Your own daddy …"_

_"No!"_

Shepard's yell reverberated loudly in James' ear, and he winced. Her scream dripped with hate and anger, and he almost overlooked what Leng had said to provoke her; a _lmost_.

_Your own daddy_.

What the hell did that mean?

Had Cain _killed_ Rennah's real father? Was _he_ her father? A chill slithered down his spine at the thought, and an icy lump settled in his core. No matter which way he looked at it, one thing was clear; Leng knew something about Shepard and Cain that he did not.

_She said she told me the truth._

James stalked towards the shuttle. It didn't matter what the hell Leng said; if Rennah had kept something back then she would have a reason for it. Right now, he needed to keep his mind focused on what was important, and that was getting Shepard to safety.

He climbed into the shuttle, and ignored Javik's contemptuous sniff as he muttered something under his breath about primitives and pheromones. Their lone prothean friend was the worst tempered person that James had ever encountered. He was bitter, sour and sarcastic, and the only 'primitive' he seemed genuinely interested in talking to was Shepard.

"Okay let's go." Kaidan swung into the shuttle and closed the hatch behind him, sealing it with more force than necessary and giving James a hard look. "For the record, _Lieutenant_ …"

"Save it, Major." James threw the Major a hard look as Cortez started the dangerous descent to Thessia. "You'd do the same thing in my position."

Their eyes met and a moment of understanding passed between them. "I know."

"Pathetic," Javik grumbled. "You primitives are ruled by your emotions. In my cycle …"

Whatever Javic had been going to say was interrupted by another harsh squeal of static from the comm, followed by Leng's voice.

_"Poor Commander Shepard._ _You're not used to losing, are you? I can only imagine how much you must hate this. First Cain, when he cut your eye out, and now me."_

James swallowed and met Kaidan's gaze as Leng continued to torment Shepard, obviously enjoying the power he had over her. _Shepard will be alright,_ he told himself forcefully as Kaidan looked away, _we'll get down there and she'll be fine!_

The comm erupted in another ear-splitting squeal and James barely heard Shepard's reply, as she yelled at Leng to get off her. Something in his chest twisted painfully at the fear in her voice, and without realising what he was doing, James squeezed his eyes shut in an attempt to block it out. He wanted to know what Leng was doing to her, but he dreaded finding out.

Amongst the squeals and crackles of distortion, they heard Leng's response, his voice excited _. "I've never cut someone's eye out before. Maybe I should finish the job …"_

He heard Shepard's voice, but couldn't make out her words as the comm gave a final distorted yowl and descended into static. James couldn't be sure, but he thought she'd screamed _don't touch me._ He swallowed hard and opened his eyes, inadvertently meeting Kaidan's gaze. The Major's eyes glowed with biotic swirls, and his anger scorched the air in a ripple of energy.

He looked every bit as furious as James _felt_.

He straightened in his seat and held Kaidan's gaze. "I'm going to kill him."

"I know." 

"Shepard's going to be alright." James wasn't sure why he felt the need to add that, but he did.

Javik made a sound, as though he was tempted to say something negative, but they both glared at him, and the prothean just smirked. "Tell yourself whatever you need to believe," he said with a shrug, "so long as you continue to fight the Reapers."

"Thanks Javik, that's _really_ reassuring." Kaidan tossed the prothean a withering look.

He shrugged, seemingly impervious to sarcasm. "It is foolish to risk so much for one solider, even for your commander Shepard. You would be better off leaving the asari to their fate and concentrating your efforts on holding the planets you still control."

James met Kaidan's furious eyes, but he shook his head and didn't raise to the bait. Javik may have had more experience dealing with the reapers than the rest of them, but he didn't know Shepard like they did. She was worth risking their lives for. Not just because he loved her, but because if anyone could stop the reapers, she could.

The rest of the shuttle ride passed in relative silence aside from the occasional expletive from Cortez as he avoided harvesters, reapers and asari ships. James tried not to watch the display screen next to him as it gave them an aerial view of the ruined city outside, but it was impossible to avoid seeing some of it. The city was in chaos; fires burned out of control, and dead asari lay scattered like toy soldiers in every frame James caught.

_How could anyone survive down here?_

By the time Cortez set them down, James's muscles were trembling with tension. His body thrummed with adrenaline and it took everything he could not to bolt out of the shuttle as soon as they landed. The asari temple seemed fine from the outside, but he could see bullet holes and scorch marks that indicated that _something_ had fired on the inside.

"Okay." Kaidan got to his feet. "We're going to do this quickly and safely. We go in, we find them and we get them out. I want to avoid engaging the enemy if at all possible." He glanced at James. "And that includes Cerberus, Lieutenant. We're here to pull Shepard and the ground team out, not to get ourselves killed."

"I hear you." James followed Kaidan as he opened the hatch and leapt out.

The wind slammed into him and he almost gagged.

It reeked of burnt flesh and something heavier, more acrid. James swallowed hard, and pushed on towards the temple, ignoring the foul air as it pressed against him. He approached the entrance and his stomach knotted up with anxiety when he saw the carnage inside.

The temple lay in ruins; giant columns lay broken, the floor had collapsed in on itself leaving gaping holes, and rows of seats and display cases lay broken. He scanned the temple, but at first glance he couldn't see any of the Normandy team.

_Come on, Shepard! Be alright!_

Kaidan signalled a halt and turned to face the others. "We'll split up and check the area for them. This place looks like it's about to come down at any moment, so be careful."

James moved off before Kaidan finished speaking, the need to find Shepard pulsing through him in time to his heartbeat. _She had to be here. She had to._ On instinct he headed straight down the aisle, lightly jumping a collapsed column and avoiding the patches of floor that looked to be the worst damaged. A low groan caught his attention and James whirled, quick as a flash.

"Garrus?" he called, eyes on the lookout for blue armour.

"Vega?"

Garrus' voice came from his left, and James slithered over a lump of what looked like a giant stone asari face. His friend lay on the other side. His armour scarred, face twisted in pain and blue blood splattered around him. One leg was trapped under a slab of rock, and judging from Garrus' bloodied hands, he'd been trying his damnedest to get out from under it.

"Major Alenko, I've found Vakarian." James spoke into his comm as he knelt next to the turian. "He's hurt."

Kaidan answered immediately. "Where are you?"

"Down the centre aisle and behind a big-ass stone asari head. Can't miss it."

"Okay, stay with him until I get there."

James eyed the slab crushing Garrus leg, but decided not to try lifting it It looked like it weighed close to a ton, and with his injury, he wasn't going to risk it.

"Shepard?" James asked quietly as he hunkered down beside the turian. "Is she okay?"

"I don't know; I couldn't see. I think she and Liara fell when the floor gave way." Garrus hissed in pain and met James' gaze. "When I last saw her, she was fighting Leng in the centre aisle, but I lost sight of her."

"Thanks Garrus, and don't worry; I'll find her." James gave his shoulder a squeeze and left as soon as Alenko arrived.

The Major's biotics would make short work of the stone slab, James knew. And he was the only trained medic on the ground team, so he was the best person to treat Garrus.

James jumped up on the giant stone head, using it as a vantage point as he gazed around for any sign of Shepard. To his dismay, he saw that most of the centre aisle had fallen inwards, leaving a gaping black hole in its place. _Had Shepard been there when it fell?_ He jumped down and headed in that direction, nimbly picking his way among the debris.

As he crossed a patch of cracked stone floor, it shifted under feet, and the sound of stone grinding against stone echoed around the temple. James froze, his heart hammering in his chest as he waited for the floor to give way.

It didn't.

He crawled the rest of the way to the edge, spreading his weight out over as large a space as he could. When he finally reached the edge, he almost gasped. He'd assumed the floor had fallen into a level below, but it hadn't. Under the temple stretched a huge hollow space, cavernous and empty. It fell away into the darkness below, so deep and dark that James could barely see the bottom.

He squinted and peered into the gloom, trying to penetrate the darkness. There was something down there, _a light perhaps_? James pulled a flare from a pouch on his armour, struck it and tossed it into the hole. It fell about twenty metres and then clattered onto the ground, bouncing across broken slabs of rock.

Something moved.

"Commander?" he called down, holding his breath as he waited for a response.

Silence.

It stretched for a second that felt like an eternity, and then a faint voice floated up from below; "James?"

_It was Shepard!_

James' heart almost stopped as relief surged through him. He gripped the edge tightly; dust and grit crumbling into the darkness below as he craned his head, trying to see her. A million things rushed through his mind as the shape moved again, and he made out a pale face staring up at him.

_She was okay!_

He glanced around for a way down. "Yeah, it's me, Lola. The Major and Javik are here too. Are you okay?"

He wanted to crack a joke, maybe tell her that now wasn't the best time to go spelunking, but he was so lightheaded with relief that he couldn't bring himself to make fun of her.

"I'm fine. But Liara's hurt and there's no way out."

_She sounds exhausted_ , James thought, and wondered how badly hurt she really was. He didn't believe for a moment that she actually was fine. No way. Not after a fall like that, and not after Kai Leng had managed to get the better of her in a fight.

James pushed back from the edge and glanced in the direction of Kaidan. "I'm going to go and get some rope or something, maybe we can pull you out. Stay there and look after Liara. I'll be right back."

"Don't worry." Wry amusement laced her tone, and James could imagine her tired grin as she looked up at him. "I'm not going anywhere."

He hated leaving her alone, but staying at the hole and talking to her wasn't going to get her out. _In times like these you have to ignore your emotions and just do the job_ , James told himself. He rolled away from the edge and crawled back to solid ground, climbing to his feet once he was off the cracked floor.

He jogged to the shuttle, contacting Kaidan on the comm as he ran by the stone head. "Major?"

"I hear you Vega. Javik and I have Garrus free. I'm stabilising his wound and then we'll resume our search …"

James interrupted, "No need. I found them."

There was a long pause and then he heard Kaidan draw in a breath. "Is she …?"

"Shepard says she's fine, but I think she's injured." He dodged around some rubble as he spoke, forcing himself to jog at a steady pace and take it easy on his heart. "Liara's hurt bad. They fell into some kind of cavern beneath the temple when the floor collapsed. Near the front of the temple. The floor is unstable, so I'm getting rope to pull them out."

"Good thinking, Lieutenant."

He reached the entrance and ran straight through as he spied Cortez standing guard near the shuttle - no sign of reaper activity. His closest friend, and probably the only man who knew how much he really loved Shepard, started to move towards him, intended to meet him half way. James waved him back as he jogged the remainder of the distance, the hot air just as foul as he remembered.

"I need rope and a rescue harness, if you have them."

Steve blinked and nodded. "We have a micro-fibre titanium rope, and a zero-G body harness. Who needs rescuing?" His eyes looked from James to the temple, as though expecting to see the answer there.

"The temple floor is half-collapsed. Liara and Shepard fell," James explained as he followed Cortez into the ship, adrenaline making him tremble.

He shifted from foot to foot while Steve dug around in a storage unit, moving around tools, emergency rations and a med kit. After what felt like a lifetime, the pilot found coils of a thin metallic rope, and a harness, both of which he passed to James.

"Thanks." He took them and turned for the shuttle hatch a heartbeat later.

"No problem. Keep her safe, Vega."

James nodded, coiled the rope around his arm and headed back to the temple.

To his surprise, Kaidan and Javik were waiting for him near the collapsed section of floor. Garrus lay propped up against a section of rubble nearby, his leg armour badly cracked. He nodded at James, who returned the gesture with relief; if Garrus could sit up so soon after having his leg freed, then the crush injury couldn't be as bad as he'd feared.  

Or maybe turians were just tough, stubborn bastards.

Without breaking his stride, he attached the rope to the harness using a carabiner, and threw the other end of the rope to Kaidan. "Position yourself back a bit. We don't want to get pulled onto the damaged floor."

"Right." Kaidan let the rope uncoil at his feet and moved back near Javik, apparently unfazed by James giving him orders.

Vega nodded at him, desperately trying to show his gratitude through that simple gesture. Then he got down low and crawled to the edge of the hole, squinting back into the black. The flare had gone out, but now that he knew where to look, he could see the faint sheen of armour.

"You still with me, Shepard?" he called down.

"I fell in a hole, Jimmy. I'm not dying."

He grinned at her acid reply; _that was more like the Rennah he knew!_

"This is a pretty deep hole, Lola. You can't blame a guy for being worried." He heard her mutter something under her breath, but he slipped the harness over the edge and began to lower it. "I'm sending down a rope with a body harness attached. You think you can get it on the Doc?"

"I'll manage."

"Good." James lowered it down slowly, letting the rope coil in after it. "It's coming down now."

Neither of them spoke as the harness slipped into the darkness to where she waited below.

"Got it." Her voice drifted up and the rope slid through his hands as Shepard tugged more slack. There was silence for several minutes, save for an occasional faint sound of scraping. "Okay, Liara's all strapped in. I'm going to come up with her too. She's unconscious and I want to make sure she doesn't hit her head on the way up."

James shook his head, then remembered that she couldn't see him. "Not a good idea, Shepard."

"What, you big strong men can't hoist up two girls?"

"The floor is bad, I'm not sure if it'll hold …"

She audibly scoffed. "It's holding your bulk, Vega, and you're not exactly light; _I_ should know."

James flushed, and hoped the others hadn't heard her. "Lola, I don't have a second harness. If you slip …"

"I won't slip." Shepard snapped waspishly. She tugged hard on the rope. "Now fucking pull me up and stop arguing with me. That's an order!"

The thought of hoisting them up together made James uncomfortable. Although _uncomfortable_ seemed an inadequate word though. It terrified him. Logically, he knew Shepard was a trained N7 officer who had been through, and done, worse things than being pulled up a by fucking rope. But the thought of her slipping and falling chilled him to the bone.

James sighed, in the end it wasn't his choice to make.

"Fine. But I won't be able to hear you once I move back from the hole, so be ready."

"I am, and," she hesitated, "thank you, James."

"Just don't fall." He huffed in frustration, his breath stirring dust in the air.

He moved back across the cracked floor to where Kaidan and Javik waited.

The Major raised his eyebrows, his eyes full of concern as he saw James' disgruntled expression. "Is everything okay?"

"Fine." He nodded, and rolled his shoulder to ease the tension as he took up the rope. "Shepard's coming up with Liara, to make sure she doesn't bang into any walls."

The major nodded thoughtfully. "That makes sense."

_Of course he'd agree with her._

James shushed the jealous little voice in his head.

"Ready?" He asked. The others replied that they were, and he nodded at them. "Let's do this."

Hoisting the women up was no easy task. Even with the three of them, and the added strength of Kaidan and Javik's biotics, they had to go slow and steady to avoid swinging Liara and Shepard into ledges and broken chunks of floor. _Slow and steady,_ James chanted to himself as his muscles burned painfully, _slow and steady, slow and steady, slow and steady._

Inch by inch, metre by metre, they brought them up.

Finally, after what felt like forever, he saw the top of Shepard's head appear. She scrabbled up over the ledge and helped to guide Liara up. The floor made a deep groaning sound, and James' heart skipped a beat as he waited for it to fall. It didn't, and he heaved a sigh of relief as Shepard helped drag Liara to safety across the cracked and sagging floor.

As soon as they were safe, Kaidan moved to Liara's side and began to check her over with a medical dialogistic program on his omni-tool.

Rennah clambered unsteadily to her feet as James moved to her side. His eyes missed nothing as they roamed over her, taking in every bruise, scrape and cut. He trailed fingers down her arm and caught her hand, pulling her around so he could look at her properly.

As he suspected, she'd been lying to him about being uninjured.

Her hair was mattered with dried blood and grey stone dust, and a cruel looking cut ran the length of her face, deep and raw. Blood, sticky and congealed, coated her face and neck, and her armour was so badly damaged that James wondered if it was even salvageable. He pulled her hand up closer and frowned down at her gauntlets, which had been crushed into her wrists.

How she hadn't broken bones was beyond him.

He guessed that Kai Leng had been trying to incapacitate her; to keep her alive. It made him sick with anger, but worse than her physical injuries was the look in Rennah's eye when she met his gaze. She looked defeated. Crushed.

He'd never seen Shepard look so utterly destroyed, and it broke his heart.

"Oh, Lola …"

"I'm fine." Rennah gently traced his cheek and pulled his face close to hers so she could press her forehead against his. Her eyes begged him to let it go, to give her time to get it together. "Later, okay?"

"Okay." James nodded, and she squeezed his hand gratefully as she pulled back and looked at Kaidan and Liara.

"Is she okay? I applied medigel as soon as I could."

"She'll be fine, Shepard." Alenko closed his omni-tool, his expression reassuring. "She's unconscious and probably concussed, but her injuries are minor. Still, we need to get her back to the ship so Chakwas can check her out properly."

"Thank god." Shepard breathed, her voice thick with emotion.

The biotic lifted Liara into his arms, carefully supporting her neck as Shepard moved to his side. James curled his hands into fists; he badly wanted to pull Rennah back into another embrace, to make sure she was okay. But much as he wanted a moment to wrap Shepard in his arms and keep her there, Thessia was a dangerous place, and they had to leave.

He could hold her when they got back to the ship.

With Javik's help, James got Garrus to his feet and they half-carried him out of the temple. Kaidan followed behind them with Liara in his arms, while Shepard limped in front with Kaidan's handgun. They really were more than a unit, James though as they moved as one from the temple to the shuttle; they were a family.

And no one would be left behind.

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**A/N - I really struggled with this chapter, which is why it took so long to get up. I hope you all enjoyed it though! Let me know!**


	53. Something I Can Never Have

_Disclaimer: I don't own Mass Effect_

**A/N - Thank you to everyone who stuck with me despite the delay on the last chapter. I'm finally getting back on track now - so chapters should come a bit more frequently! An especially big thank you to my reviewers - zulija, Jules Hawk, MizDirected, Sophie Shepard, The Epic Toaster, Jason Thursday, Candle in the Night, Lady Velvet C. Peterson, ChaseingtheWind, Ella11, Ekectric Gurrl and the guests! The time you take out of your day to give me feedback is always really appreciated!**

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The flight back to the Normandy seemed to take twice as long as it should have. If the journey down had been tense and unhappy, the return flight was worse. No one spoke, and the air simmered with tension. The only sounds were a metallic scraping as Shepard worked to pry her gauntlets off, and the occasional soft words from Kaidan as he tried to get a response from Liara.

James' stomach churned as he hovered near Rennah, desperately wanting to assist with her armour, but knowing it would make things worse if he did. He'd tried to help her when they first boarded the shuttle; to give her medi-gel and talk to her about what Leng had done. But she'd distanced herself with a desperation that James couldn't bring himself question. She _needed_ to be alone with her thoughts - to sort out her emotions before she spoke to him.

He understood, he did. But he didn't like it. Not one little bit.

She sat alone, as far from her team as she could, and focused on prying off her crushed gauntlets with single-minded determination. He tried to watch her without being too obvious, and he could see Garrus and Kaidan doing the same. It probably frustrated the hell out of them too that she cut herself off from the people who wanted to help her.

_But what else could they do? They couldn't force her to talk to them!_

James sighed. Every time it seemed that Shepard had softened, that she'd learned how to accept help from others, something happened and she retreated back behind her anger. It was frustrating. How did you help someone whose response to pain and fear was to turtle up and go it alone? How did you convince someone to let you in when they've spent their whole life keeping people out?

He snuck another look in her direction, half-hoping she would look up and meet his gaze. At least that would give him an opening to start a conversation. But she didn't; Shepard just stared at her wrists and continued trying to lever the armour plates free. The metallic grating sounds as she scraped at her gauntlets were like nails on a chalk board, and Garrus winced each time they shattered the silence.

_Scrape. Screech. Scrape. Screech._

James rolled his shoulders to try and ease the tension, but his stomach stayed knotted with anxiety. It felt hot and stuffy in the shuttle, as though there wasn't enough air for them. It was an illusion, he knew, because of the tense atmosphere, but knowing that didn't change how uncomfortable he felt.

_Scrape. Screech. Scrape. Screech._

That noise.

That noise was going to drive him _mad_. James narrowed his eyes and watched her for a moment; it would be so easy to grab Shepard's arms, take her hands in his and wrench the armour plates off _himself_. But he couldn't imagine she'd react well to being man-handled. The thought was almost enough to make him grin. Besides, as annoying as the sound was, he'd never actually violate Shepard's space like that.

_But that noise ..._

"Shepard." Garrus broke the silence first, his sub-vocals tight with anxiety.

She ignored him, and continued to work the metal plates off her arm. If she felt any pain, she didn't show it.

_Scrape. Screech. Scrape. Screech._

"Shepard." The turian tried again, his voice rough with anger at her lack of response. "God dammit," he finally snapped, his voice cutting through the air like a whip. "Look at me!"

It was an order if ever James had heard one, and he straightened accordingly. Rennah's hand fell away from her wrists and she slowly turned to face Garrus, her eye burning with fury. He'd never seen Shepard angry with her crew, let alone Garrus, but she looked angry at now.

"What?" she snapped.

To James' surprise, Garrus ignored her obvious fury and nodded at her wrists, his face bland. "That sound is hurting my head, _and_ it's really annoying. You won't be able to get them off yourself, so let Vega help you."

Shepard stared at Garrus a while longer, her expression intimidating. "I can do it myself."

"No," he shook his head, his eyes holding her gaze. "You _can't_. If you won't let Vega help you, then leave them be. The frequency of those sounds is hurting me."

"Fine."

Shepard looked away, settled her elbows on her knees and rested her chin on her hands, gazing stoically at the wall opposite. James almost wished that Garrus hadn't said anything. As bad as that screeching sound had been, this silence from Shepard was even worse. It filled the shuttle like an unseen presence; oppressive and stifling.

By the time they arrived back on the Normandy the atmosphere, which should have been one of relief, was fraught. Liara was still unconscious, and Shepard seemed to have withdrawn completely. Even Javik was playing nice and kept his usual opinions about savages to himself - for which James was grateful. His temper was frayed enough with the prothean provoking him.

Once they touched down, he expected Shepard to be the first one out of her seat and out of the shuttle, but she made no attempt to leave. James stayed; feigning interest in checking the fastening on his armour while he waited for everyone to go.

When they were alone, he lowered himself onto the seat next to her, and tried to think of something to say. Despite how close they were, Shepard made him nervous when she was quiet. Seeing her like this, so beaten and close to breaking, was awful, and he itched to hold her and to take all the bad stuff away.

"Lola?" He took one of her arms in his hands, and carefully began to pry the gauntlet off. "You want to talk?"

She shrugged and stayed silent, watching as he worked the crumpled piece of armour from her wrist. The gauntlet came away and fell to the floor with a clatter, and James winced as he saw that her under armour was soaked with blood. He pulled her glove off and peeled the under layer back to expose her skin beneath. It wasn't a pretty sight. Her skin was pale and bloodless, with countless angry wounds that oozed blood. The bones in her wrist didn't appear broken, but before he could look properly Shepard pulled her arm away and offered him the other wrist.

"I'm not sure what there is to talk about." she spoke eventually, her eyes dropping to his hands on her arm. "I failed the mission and I almost got Liara killed."

_More like she almost got you killed!_

"You didn't fail anyone, Lola." He tugged at the warped metal, twisting it free of the armour clips. "You went up against Kai Leng without backup, _after_ fighting your way through brutes, banshees and husks."

"I got blind-sided." Shepard's voice was soft. "I didn't see Cerberus coming. Now we've lost Thessia, and our only chance at …"

"Don't be fucking stupid." James interrupted her before she could get onto a roll, anger seething through him. "There wasn't any way you could have known Cerberus was going to show up. And they needed a fucking _gunship_ to stop you, Lola. A _mother fucking gunship_. And you still survived."

She winced as he pulled harder, one hand holding her steady. "I still lost to Cerberus, and Leng …" Her voice trailed off and James saw her swallow hard. "Leng won."

With a grunt he managed to pry the other gauntlet off, and Shepard bit back a cry as it tore a chunk of her under armour, and skin, with it. He pulled her glove off and held her hand close for a better look; the gash in her skin was several inches long, and through it wasn't deep, it looked raw and painful.

_Kai Leng was going to pay for this._

"Leng didn't win, Lola." James kept hold of her arm when she would have pulled away. "But I need to know what Leng did to you down there. Over the comm he sounded …"

"Insane?" Rennah looked up and met his gaze. "He seemed pretty insane to me too. He toyed with me for the fun of it. He sliced me up, he threatened to cut out my other eye and he..." she closed her mouth on whatever she'd been going to say with a _snap_! Then she shrugged. "It doesn't matter, he beat me."

"He didn't beat you."

"Yeah, he did."

For a moment there was silence, but it was a heavy silence; weighed down with everything he wanted to say.

"Ren?" James shifted uncomfortably on his seat. "What did Leng mean by that _daddy_ comment … ?"

Shepard jerked as though he'd hit her. Her arm went rigid under his arm, her face froze up, and her mouth thinned into a line. For a moment, James thought she was going to clam up completely, or pull away from him and make her escape, but with an obvious effort she made herself relax.

"He was talking about Cain." She spoke as though the words were being tortured out of her, and stared at the floor. "He raised me."

"I know. You told me were raised in the Reds."

"That's not what I mean. _Cain_ _raised me._ " Shepard bit her lip and looked uncomfortable. "As in, he raised me in his house, as his _daughter_."

James blinked. "You mean, Cain is your _father_?"

 _No way was that possible_ , he thought, _no way could a father hold his daughter down and cut out her eye. Besides he'd seen that Extranet news report about her father dying!  
_

"My real father died, you know that. But once I was orphaned and sold to the Reds, Cain brought me up."

"But you told me you were running drugs …"

"I was."

"And that you got trained as a …" James mentally flailed for the right word. "… A biotic attack dog."

"I did."

"You gouged out his eye trying to run away from him! If he raised you as a daughter …"

"I was desperate." Rennah finally raised her gaze and met his eyes, and the look on her face almost broke James' heart. "You'll never know what it was like for me as a kid. I thought it was normal, and I thought he was my dad, but all he ever did was use me. I was like any other little girl who wanted her father to love her. I would have done anything he asked of me because I wanted him to love me so badly, but I was just a tool he used. Bringing me up in his house was just his way of making sure I'd stay loyal." She drew in a shaky voice, and James saw the little girl she would have been once; a lonely little girl who desperately wanted her dad to love her.

It made his own relationship with his father look idyllic by comparison.

He reached across and caught her hand. "You don't have to explain …"

"I didn't enjoy my childhood." She ignored him and kept talking, almost as though the words had been dammed up so long that she couldn't stop them now that she'd started. "I didn't enjoy having Cain watch over me like a hawk, always pushing me to be more aggressive and dangerous. Other kids got to go to school, play outside and have friends, I didn't get any of that. I didn't even know life could be like that. But Cain was the only father I knew. I wanted him to love me. I would have done anything he asked me, anything at all, just to get his approval."

Her hand squeezed his so tightly James knew he was going to be bruised. He wasn't sure what was worse - the version of her childhood where she'd been used ruthlessly by the Reds, or the version of her childhood where she'd been raised by Cain in luxury, used ruthlessly and denied love. It was no wonder that Rennah was so mixed up. No wonder she had so much trouble trusting people. It was a miracle that she'd turned out as well rounded as she had. Other children would have broken, but not Shepard.

Somehow she'd found the strength to get away and to lead a relatively normal life.

"Lola, I'm sorry. I didn't know." James reached up and gently traced the curve of one cheek, the dried blood on her skin flaking off at his touch.

"No one knows." Shepard smiled bitterly and her hand loosened its iron grip on his fingers. "Not even Anderson. When Cain came after me, I think he was expecting me to just come back with him, because I'd always done what he wanted. But by then I knew that he would never love me, and that matter what I did for him, he wasn't going to ever be my father. I was desperate, scared, and angry. God James, I was so _angry_. I ran away and I never looked back."

James pulled her into a hug, holding her tightly against him. "Jesus, Lola."

She seemed to melt into his embrace, and he felt the wetness of tears as she burrowed her face against his neck. "He _was_ my father; I called him my father. But he wasn't. He's a monster and that's all he ever has been." She pulled back and angrily pointed at her eye patch. "I'm going to kill him for this, and because of what he did to you and Kaidan. For what he did to all the people he had me hurt …"

"He's going to pay, Lola." James caught her hand. "But if Kai Leng brought it up in the fight to distract you, then they must think your connection with Cain means something."

"It doesn't." Her eye flashed angrily.

James wasn't so sure.

"If you say so. Right now though, we need to focus on finding Kai Leng and getting that data." He brought her wrist up, wincing as he caught sight of her torn and punctured flesh. "And you need to put something on these wrists."

She stared at her bloody skin in silence for a moment, as though seeing the wounds for the first time. "God- _fucking_ -damn it!" she sighed, and brought one wrist up for closer inspection, poking at a loose flap of skin. " _More_ scars. I'm going to kill that asshole for this!"

"Apparently there's a line for that." Joker's voice over the comm startled them both. _How long had he been listening?_ "Sorry to interrupt Commander, but we need to get the hell out of here."

"So leave."

"I would, but we have some complications." Joker sounded almost as annoyed as Shepard did.

"What kind of complications?" Shepard took the open packet of medi-gel that James offered her and squeezed it over her injured wrists. She massaged it in with a frown while she listened to Joker's response.

"Well, we've got Tevos on the QEC for you Commander, which isn't so bad, but we've also got a pissed off asari matriarch on the local comm. They're demanding we assist in the evacuation of Thessia. Apparently _Tevos_ authored it." Joker's voice dripped with sarcasm. "So, should I just fly the Normandy back down, Commander?"

James had to hide his grin as Rennah swore loudly and fluently. "I don't have time to deal with _the entitled_ of the galaxy. I'm here as an Alliance officer, not as a Spectre, and I don't have time for this kind of bullshit. Can Kaidan make nice with her?"

"Nah, I tried that. He's helping Chakwas in the medbay with Garrus and Liara. Apparently Liara's caused a bit of havoc with her biotics."

"Just great." Shepard sighed, and James' amusement faded as she faced him, her expression angry and exhausted. "Lieutenant? Could you ... ?"

_Me?_

"You want me to tell some matriarch to take a hike?"

She nodded, relieved. "Politely, but yeah. It's too dangerous to hang around here. I've screwed up once today, and I'm not going to let us get shot out of the sky by reaper fire because the asari left it too late to get out."

James considered Shepard for a moment; she was pale, coated in blood and dust, and had a look of utter exhaustion on her face. Talking to some asari matriarchs who were watching their world burn wasn't how he wanted to spend the rest of today. He wanted to take care of Shepard. He wanted to wrap her in his arms and hold her - and to find out what the hell Leng had _actually_ done to her.

But he couldn't have said no to Shepard if he'd tried.

"Sure thing, Lola." he told her with a reassuring nod. "But you and I are going to have a conversation later, okay?"

"Is that an order, Lieutenant?" Shepard finished rubbing the medi-gel into her wrists and stood up, arching an eyebrow at him. Some of the tension left her face, and her mouth quirked, as though tempted to smile.

"More a polite request from the man who loves you."

"You two really need to stop doing that when I can hear you." Joker chuckled over the comm, and James felt himself flush red. "I'll wait for you up here, Romeo."

The pilot disconnected from the comm and James stepped close, pulled Rennah into an embrace and pressed his forehead to hers. Shepard pressed herself against him, a soft sigh fluttering against his cheek as she wrapped her arms around his waist and held him close. Then, as one, they stepped back. Shepard seemed better, but there was still a shadow on her face that James didn't like to see.

He knew why too - _Tevos_.

Talking to the asari councillor and explaining that Cerberus had beaten her to the punch, and that she _hadn't_ retrieved the information, was going to kill something inside of her. James knew Shepard well enough to know that facing up the asari councillor was going to hurt. Ren acted like a tough little soldier, but under the act was a woman who genuinely hated letting people down.

And the asari were about to be _very_ let down.

Her energy danced along his skin as they walked to the elevator together; a prickling rush of scalding heat that told James exactly how upset she was. Normally Shepard had iron clad control over her biotics. For her to be leaking energy so freely, she had to be under a lot of strain. It worried him. Shepard was a strong woman, but even strong people had to break sometimes.

He didn't want her to break, not ever - the thought made him sick.

How much stress could Shepard take before she broke? She was strong, yeah. But everyone had a point where they needed to stop. There were cracks in Ren's armour that were getting wider and wider. The strain of losing an eye, of having her past come back to haunt her, and losing important data on Thessia were major blows. He really hoped she didn't try to bottle it all up.

_I'm here Lola, just talk to me._

On the CIC level they split up, Shepard peeling off without a word and heading to the QEC, while James nodded politely at Traynor and made his way to the bridge. _How would Tevos cope with hearing that the Asari home world was about to fall?_ James wondered as his boots thudded on the metal gangway. _How would she deal with hearing that Shepard had failed to retrieve important mission data, and that they still had no idea what the Catalyst was?_

"... She is showing signs of considerable stress, Jeff. Doctor Chakwas would want to know." EDI's voice floated down the corridor, and James _almost_ hesitated, but EDI continued, "Lieutenant Vega is outside the bridge, and I am sure he would agree with me."

_Of course she knew I was here; she's the ship!_

"Are we talking about Shepard?" He came into the room and paused at the surly expression on Joker's face.

"Yeah, EDI here wants to rat Shepard out to Chakwas."

EDI made a sound of frustration. "The Commander has not slept properly in days, and her heartrate and blood pressure are far above normal. Her physical readings show that she is under more stress now that at any time in her career. I am obligated to inform the doctor of any significant change in the crew's physical or mental state. This," she gestured to the screen in front of her, "constitutes a change."

"Yeah, but ..." Joker frowned, gearing up for a fight.

"I'll talk to Shepard, okay?" James interrupted them and nodded at the comm. "Now, I believe there is a matriarch under the impression that we're at her disposal?"

The pilot pulled a face. "Yeah, you got that right. I mean, I get that they want help, but this matriarch has her panties in a real twist."

"Put me through." James straightened as the connection was made, coming to attention on instinct. "This is Lieutenant James Vega of the Alliance vessel Normandy ..."

"This is Matriarch Paolani of the Tennemas Brau." A clipped feminine voice interrupted him. "I was told that Shepard was in charge?"

"The _Commander,"_ he emphasized her rank, "is currently speaking to Councillor Tevos. What can the Alliance do for you?"

The matriarch sniffed distastefully. "We require the Normandy's assistance evacuating some of our more prominent citizens from ..."

"I'm afraid that isn't possible." James cut her off, but kept his voice polite. "The Normandy is under Alliance control and we've received no orders to that effect."

Paolani huffed. "Commander Shepard is a Spectre, and Tevos _personally_ gave me permission to order her to help us! These dignitaries are some of the most influential asari in Thessia!"

Her voice grated along James' nerves, and he grit his teeth to stop himself saying something he'd regret. Normally he could keep his temper no matter what was thrown at him, but right now he wanted to check on Shepard - not play this ridiculous game of back and forth. Everything about this situation made him angry - especially as there was no way that the Normandy would be going down to Thessia to pick up some rich and influential asari who hadn't taken the reaper invasion seriously!

"Commander Shepard has been reinstated into the Alliance military and her orders stand." James scowled as he spoke, his voice vibrating with anger. "We will not risk the Normandy landing on Thessia in the middle of a reaper invasion to rescue a few rich asari."

"But we need help!"

He crossed his arms over his chest and frowned at the comm. "So does the rest of the Galaxy. And that's what we're doing."

Her voice rose sharply with outrage, and James could imagine her drawn up to her full height, bristling with indignation. "How dare you..."

Joker cut her off without warning, and flashed James a sly grin as he angled the Normandy away from Thessia. "Sorry Vega, but I couldn't resist."

"Probably for the best. A few more seconds of her shrieking at me and I might have said something I'd regret." He cast a glance out the window, and swallowed down a pang of regret as he saw an asari cruiser get blown apart by a reaper beam.

_The Tennemas Brau?_

He understood why the asari wanted their help, and in other circumstance he'd have helped them, but the asari had made their own bed to lie in. They'd refused to take part in the war summit, they'd ignored Earth's request for aid, and they'd withheld important information about the Catalyst. They could have shared their knowledge with them earlier, instead they waited until they had no option but to help out, probably expecting help in return.

Well, not today.

The Normandy had her own mission, and they needed to get the hell away from Thessia and track down Kai Leng.

"Are you checking in with Shepard?" Joker swung around to face him, and raised his eyebrows in query.

James nodded. "Yeah, I'm worried about her. Physically she seems fine, but EDI's right - she's under a lot of stress."

"How is she really? The fight with Leng didn't sound good over the comm, it sounded like he was ..." The pilot shrugged uncomfortably. "Well, it sounded bad."

"She hasn't told me what Leng did to her, whether it was just a beating, or if he did something else." James tried not to think about Leng's aroused voice as he'd tortured Shepard. "But things got bad down there."

"Yeah, yet another reason I'm glad I get to stay up here with EDI, while you get to go up against crazy Cerberus assassins." Joker tried to make light of the situation, but his concern for Shepard was obvious as he sighed. "Look, you're the first person that Shepard's opened up to in a long time, Vega. Talk to her, try and get her to see Chakwas and get help if she needs it. She has a habit of thinking she can carry the weight of the world on her shoulders, but this time, well," he sighed again, "we all have our breaking points."

Joker's words were so close to what James had been thinking earlier that he blinked in astonishment. "Don't worry, I'll get her to go see Chakwas. Even if I have to carry her."

"Now that," Joker chuckled as James walked away. "I'd pay to see."

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**A/N - I hope you guys enjoyed this chapter. There are some super, super exciting things to come once they reach Horizon! ^_^ As always, I'd love to know what you thought of this chapter!**


	54. Help I'm Alive

_Disclaimer: I don't own Mass Effect_

**A/N - I'm sick and icky, so keep your distance! Hopefully this chapter has turned out okay despite me being all feverish and insane! As always a shout out to all of my followers and favouriters, and much love and hugs to my reviewers: Nicniviean, Meikhaila, rayford, Galactic Alien, TLCinbflo, Topshoteffect, TheEpicToaster, Jules Hawk, ela11, Candle in the Night, Lady Velvet. C. Peterson, Blausen, Chaseingthewind, Simone TRH and the guests** **. You guys really make my day!**

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The leather couch sighed softly as Rennah folded herself down and curled her legs under her, finally giving in to the bone-deep weariness. The low hum of the Normandy's engine, coupled with the twinkling blanket of stars visible out of the Port Observation window, was enough to almost lull her to sleep. She felt utterly exhausted in every way – mentally, physically and psychologically.

The conversation she'd had over the QEC with Tevos had been shattering. The asari councillor had _assumed_ that she'd retrieved the data from the temple. She hadn't doubted that the famous Commander Shepard would beat the odds and come through for the asari. When Shepard explained what had happened on Thessia, that she _hadn't_ retrieved the data and that Cerberus had stolen it _... her face! Tevos' face!_

She'd never forget that look of shock and disappointment for as long as she lived.

The thought of the councillor's disappointment bit into Shepard like knives, and she dragged a hand down her face and stifled a groan. The asari's leaders were pompous self-serving fools, but a lot of innocent civilians were going to be killed on Thessia today.

_All because I failed._

Rennah closed her eyes as the thought echoed around her mind, and bit down on the inside of her lip until she tasted blood. A wave of stinging resentment shot through her, scalding hot and burning with the knowledge that she'd lost a fight she should have won. _I failed._ It didn't matter what the others said; she'd failed the asari! And if they couldn't find Kai Leng and get that data back, she'd have failed the entire Galaxy. Without the data he'd stolen, they wouldn't be able to find the Catalyst and the Crucible would be useless.

The thought made her stomach churn.

Her only hope was Traynor, who'd floated the idea of tracking Leng based on his projected flight path. It was a long shot, but it was the only shot they had.

_Kai Leng._

The mere thought of him sent resentment thundering through her veins, and Shepard curled her hands into fists so tight that her nails almost cut into her palm. Fury tensed her muscles as she remembered every blow he'd landed, every slice or his blade and every taunt from his mouth.

_What she wouldn't give to catch up with the smug, slimy bastard and stick his sword straight through his guts!_

"Lola?"

_James._

The anger faded as quickly as it had come; receding back to that dark hollow place deep inside of her where it lived. Exhaustion replaced the rage and she sighed as he crossed the threshold and closed the door behind him. His wonderful brown eyes dark with concern; he looked worried. Rightly so. It hadn't been a pleasant day, and her sullen, erratic behaviour probably hadn't been very reassuring.

"Hey Jimmy." She gave the couch an inviting pat and cast her gaze back out at the starry sky. "How did you chat with the asari go?"

"Not bad." He lowered himself down, smelling of soap and aftershave. Shepard shivered in awareness as his hip and thigh rubbed against hers. "Although Joker disconnected them when they started shrieking."

She grinned; cutting off the council back in the Saren days had been almost a hobby for the pilot. "He does that."

James seemed pleased with her smile, and some of the tension oozed out of his body. He slid an arm around her shoulder, his thumb making gentle circles against her shoulder as he pulled her close. Shepard let herself melt against him; the familiar bulk of his body warm and reassuring, and she let her eye drift shut.

No matter how bad things got, James was always going to be her rock; her safe harbour.

"So …" He pressed his lips to the top of her head, apparently unfazed by the smell of sweat, dust and blood that still clung to her. "EDI says you're not sleeping?"

_Damn her!_

"I _am_ sleeping, but I have nightmares." Shepard explained as she opened her eye, hating the way her injured eye fluttered behind the eye patch. "And I haven't had a good night's sleep in a while. I'm fine though."

James' arm tightened around her, and she felt his concern rise up like a wave that would swallow her whole. _I'm not weak,_ she wanted to tell him, _I don't need your pity!_ But … it wasn't pity, and James knew she wasn't weak. Yeah, she wasn't sleeping properly, but she'd lost an eye and was still learning to cope with her limitations. _Excuses, excuses._ Shepard stifled a sigh and quelled her defensiveness; he had every right to be worried.

"Have you seen Chakwas?" he asked quietly as he tilted her head up and met her gaze. "Maybe she can give you something to help you sleep …"

"I don't want to sleep." Shepard interrupted him forcefully. "I sleep enough."

James' eyes burned with concern. "Are the nightmares about Cain?"

"Sometimes, but usually I dream of the dark and the dead." Realising how that sounded she forced a smile. "I said that wrong, I dream about the people who've died; Ashley, Thane, Mordin. And the blackness? I guess that's what happens when you get spaced."

_Lies. Lies. Lies. Tell him the truth. Tell him that you hear your dead friends talking to you, and that you hear other voices in the darkness. Voices that whisper so you can't quite hear what they say. Voices that get louder with every dream._

"Everyone has to sleep, Ren. Or they crash and burn. You've been a marine for longer than I have, so you know it's true." He gave her a stern look. "See Chakwas and get some meds."

"Maybe."

_Fat chance! She'll drug me up and then I'll sleep and dream again._

His gaze bored into hers and James frowned. "Promise me that you'll see her as soon as we're done in here. You're under stress and everyone's worried. Hell, Lola, I'm worried and I don't normally worry about you. See Chakwas yourself or I'll carry you in."

"You wouldn't dare!" She tucked her feet under her defensively, half expecting him to lurch forward and grab her then and there.

He didn't, but he folded his arms across his chest and raised one eyebrow. "Try me."

"Fine."

"Good." James stood up and made his way to the bar where he began to fix two drinks.

There was a weighty silence as he mixed them up. Ren watched him, her fingers drumming agitatedly on the leather. It wasn't an uncomfortable silence, but it felt full of everything they needed to say to each other. She'd promised to tell him about her fight with Leng in the temple, but the thought of telling James that Leng had pinned her to the ground, pressed himself against her and licked her face sent a wave of shame crashing through her.

_I'm not weak_ , she thought desperately as the growing horror gnawed away inside of her. _I'm not weak and I didn't do anything wrong. So why do I feel like this?_

Cain had done much worse to her on the Normandy, but he'd had a handful of men to hold her down while he'd cut her up. Leng had been alone and he'd managed to get just as close to her. It was vile; she felt dirty, ashamed and pathetic. Rennah shivered as her skin crawled with revulsion at the memory of his tongue sliding over her skin as he licked her blood.

"Lola?" James stood in front of her with their drinks, a troubled frown on his face.

_When had he finished making the drinks?_ She wandered groggily as she lifted a hand to take a glass and froze in horror; she was trembling. What the hell was going on? Was she so fucking weak that she was going to shake like a frightened child every time she lost a fight? Without saying a word she retracted her arm, and curled up into herself with her hands clenched on her knees. She avoided James' eyes.

_Get it together!_

But it was useless; even the thought of Kai Leng touching her made her heart thump unevenly in her chest. It beat so hard that Rennah thought it might burst free. Her palms were slick with sweat and she couldn't seem to stop the surges of adrenaline that swept over her in prickling waves.

She could still feel the rough scrape of his hands on her face, and the weight of his body on hers as he held her down. Worse still, was the tickle of his breath against her ear, and the wet warmth of his tongue sliding over her skin! It was horrible! Filthy! Revolting!

_I'm going to be sick!_

"No!" Rennah clenched her teeth tightly, and closed her eyes as she tried to stop the memory from playing out.

_I'm not weak. I'm not weak. I'm not weak._ The words pulsed in her mind, a chant from her childhood; _I'm not weak. I'm not weak. I'm not weak._

Then James was there with his arms around her; solid, real and alive. Rennah clung to him tightly, burying her face in his neck and breathing in his scent as she trembled. It wasn't just that Kai Leng had beat and degraded her - it was how helpless she'd been to stop him.

_Like a child._

The last time she'd been so weak and helpless in a fight, she _had_ been a child! Fighting and struggling to get deadlier, stronger and faster. Cain expected her to be the best, so she'd taken beating after beating until she'd _learned_ to be top dog. She'd become ruthless, clever and quick. And she'd learned to take out her opponents before they could get her.

How things had changed.

"Ren." James spoke softly into her hair, and his hands smoothed circles against her back as he held her close. "What did he do to you?"

It was hard to find the words, but Shepard tried; "He didn't do anything to me. Not really. I mean, he held me down and threatened to blind me, but … it was the way he spoke to me, and the way he looked at me." She fought hard to repress a shudder of revulsion. "He could have done anything to me, and he made sure that I knew it."

"Oh, Lola honey." James crushed her closer, his muscled arms firm around her. "Do you really think he wouldn't have done worse if he could? _You_ stopped _him_."

"Yes, but …"

"No buts." He pulled back and caught her face with one hand, tilting her chin up so she looked into his face. "Now, what really happened?"

"I was helpless." She wanted to lower her gaze, to break the intensity of the moment. But she didn't. "First it was Cain, and he did this." She jabbed a finger at her eye patch. "And then it was Leng. He's crazy and disgusting, and he _killed_ Thane. I wanted to kill him, but I couldn't! I couldn't do anything!"

_It was the truth_ , Shepard realised, _I had the perfect opportunity to avenge Thane's death and take revenge. But I couldn't_. _Instead I got beaten up and nearly killed, while Kai Leng walked away with my information._

"Traynor will find the bastard." James smoothed a hand through her long, tangled hair. "She'll track him down. Then we'll find him and kick the shit out of him and his Cerberus buddies."

His voice trembled with feeling and Rennah nodded as she snuggled closer. She let her head rest against his chest as weariness ebbed through her; a rising tide of exhaustion that she couldn't fight.

"I hope so," she mumbled sleepily as she nestled against him, soaking in the warmth of his body. "I want to shove his sword through his chest. I only managed to stab his foot down on Thessia."

For a moment there was silence.

"You stabbed him through the foot with his own sword?" James sounded amused, and she heard him choke back a laugh. "And you say you lost that fight? Oh baby!"

Shepard eyes started to droop and she forced them open, straightening so she wasn't pressed quite so close to James. He was so safe and warm. Being with him always made her feel better - even when she was raging and out of her mind with fury. Somehow, he always managed to calm her.

She wasn't sure how long she rested there with him, but a long time seemed to pass until he spoke again.

"Lola?"

"Yeah?" She opened eyes that she didn't remember closing and glanced up at his profile.

"Say we get through this; that we beat the reapers and we save the galaxy." He took a deep breath. "Where does that leave us?"

Rennah moved her gaze and looked out the windows at the sparkling sky. "I don't know. I've always been the soldier who fights the wars. I guess the Earth will never be the same. Or Thessia, Sur'Kesh or Palaven. But we'll survive. People, I mean. We'll find a way to keep going and rebuild the world."

James chuckled, and his chest rumbled with soft laughter under her ear. "No, I mean _us_. You and me. What happens to us when the war is over?"

"What? Are you getting worried that I'm going to dump you?" She flashed him a tired grin. "Not likely."

"Nah, you're not going to trade in these guns!" He made a show of flexing one arm, then he sobered and his look turned serious. "It's just that, if we win, the galaxy is going to be a very different place."

"Yeah." Rennah blinked; she'd been so busy fighting to survive and living each day to the next that she hadn't stopped to think about the future. "I guess we do what other Alliance couples do and we find a way to make things work."

"Snatching moments in between deployment and missions?" James didn't look thrilled, and Shepard couldn't blame him. They'd make it work, but it would be lonely. "I love you, Lola. I'd to think we'd have a chance of a normal life together one day."

She snorted. "A normal life? Don't tell me you want a white picket fence and babies, Jimmy?"

"I don't know about that, but I always planned to take some time off after Fehl. Maybe when this is all done we could take some time off together. You know, see more of Earth …"

"No." Rennah blurted it out before she could stop herself, and the tips of her ears burned in shame at the hurt look on James face. "I spent my entire childhood wanting to leave Earth. The planet's always been a prison in one form or another. I may have been born there, but that planet is nothing to me."

"It's where we met, you know."

_Shit._

Shepard bit her lip in shame at her graceless blunder. "Sorry."

_Way to go, Shepard._

"It's okay. I didn't know you felt so strongly about it." He shrugged as though it was no big deal, but she could see he was fighting off the hurt as he glanced down at her and casually added, "It's not all bad you know."

"I'm sorry." She twisted her hands in her lap, her cheeks flushing pink as she realised just how rude she'd sounded. "I just … I have a lot of _bad_ memories."

Her childhood flashed through her mind; an endless march of days with her struggling to meet Cain's expectations. Of desperately hoping he'd praise her, and hoping she'd be good enough to earn a kind word or a smile. Day after day, she'd fought and trained, pushing herself to the limits. She'd done so many things she wished she could take back; so people she'd maimed, tortured or killed.

_I was so stupid._

James caught her hand and brought her back to the present. "There are lots of places on Earth that we could explore." he said persuasively. "Like Mexico. We could drink margaritas on the beach and watch the stars until the sun comes up."

"If there are any beaches left."

_Or margaritas._

"You need to lighten up." He squeezed her hand and got to his feet. "I tell you what. We make it out of this war in one piece, and you and I are going to take some time off and see what the Earth has to offer. I'll show you that it's not all bad."

Despite her negativity, Shepard couldn't help but picture them sitting on a beach and sipping drinks under the stars. The Earth _was_ James' home and for his sake she should give it a chance … _if_ they survived the war, which was unlikely after the events today.

The thought sent depression oozing through her like black slime, and she deliberately forced a smile. "I'd like that."

He brightened. "Yeah?"

"Yeah."

"Excellent." James looked her over, taking in her unwashed and filthy appearance. "And now, you need to see Chakwas."

_No way!_

Rennah got to her feet and smiled sweetly at him as she backed to the door. "Sure. Just let me shower first." She took another step back and waited for the door sensors to recognise her presence and open so she could escape.

It didn't.

"Lola." James narrowed his eyes and closed the distance between them. "You're seeing Chakwas now, not later."

Trapped between James and the door, Shepard froze and scrambled frantically for an excuse. "I'll go, I just want to …"

She broke off with a startled yell as James strode forward and scooped her up in his arms. He grinned down at her as she wriggled indignantly. The door whizzed open and Shepard aimed a nasty glance at the sensor, realising that this could only be the work of EDI. Her face burned with embarrassment as James ignored her attempts to get free.

"Put me down! That's an order!" She whispered frantically as he strode through the door.

If anyone saw her like this, _anyone_ , she would never hear the end of it!

"Sorry, Lola." He glanced down at her, his eyes twinkling as he rounded the corner and headed straight to the medbay. "This is for your own good."

The mess was blessedly empty as James strode past, and the only people she saw were the people inside medbay. The door swished open for them accommodatingly, and Shepard fought hard not to cringe against James' chest as Kaidan and Chakwas turned to face them; twin expressions of shock on their faces.

"I swear to god," she hissed angrily at James, "if you don't put me down this moment I'm going to make you pay for this in ways you can only imagine."

"Sounds fun." James murmured and his arms tightened briefly. "Is that a promise?"

"You just wait and see, buddy boy."

He chuckled, and put her down with a wink as he turned his attention to the doctor. "Another patient for you."

The expression of shock on her face morphed into amusement, and Chakwas left Kaidan to finish up with Liara. "Yes, EDI told me I could expect to see you." She raised an eyebrow at Shepard. "And it's about time too."

In the end, all Shepard could do was sigh and give in gracefully as Chakwas advanced on her.

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**A/N - Thanks for reading! :) Hopefully you enjoyed the silly moment at the end! It's not like James _didn't_ warn her! As always, reviews are loved! :D**


	55. Somewhat Damaged

_Disclaimer: I don't own Mass Effect_

**A/N – This is late, I know and I'm very sorry. I'm in the middle of mid-semester reporting at my work, so I'm busy grading papers and writing reports. But at least I'm feeling better.** **This chapter kicks off the little Sanctuary adventure. Some stuff will be canon, and some will not – either way I hope you enjoy it!**  
  
**As always a massive thank you to my readers, and especially to my reviewers; Lara Jayd, Anubis85, Nicniviean, Collard Greens, TLCinbflo, TheEpicToaster, Jules Hawk, Candle in the Night, Topshoteffect, Jason Thursday, VeeIsMe, Meikhaila, Lady Velvet. C. Peterson, Ela11, Blausen, Chaseingthewind, Wrku and the guests. Your reviews always make me feel special and I love hearing from you, so thank you!**

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_Horizon._ Shepard frowned as she finished clipping on the chest piece of her armour. _Of all the backwater places that Kai Leng could have scuttled off to, it had to be this god forsaken colony planet_.

This planet had nothing but horrible memories for her.

It was the place that Kaidan, someone she'd loved and trusted, had let her down. Even now, the memory of her first and last visit to Horizon burned, and as Rennah glanced up she inadvertently caught Kaidan's gaze. Instantly, she knew he was remembering it too. For a moment they locked eyes, and then, to her chagrin, Kaidan grinned and began to chuckle.

_He was laughing at her!_

Shepard straightened, her teeth clenched tightly as she checked her armour's seals with quick angry hands.

"You know," Kaidan's voice in her ear made her jump, and she turned to find him standing behind her. The corners of his mouth twitched visibly as he fought not to smile. "You have to forgive me for Horizon sooner or later."

"No, I don't." She clipped her helmet to her hip and glanced at him from the corner of her eye. "You were an ass."

"Yeah, I was," he agreed. "But if I died and suddenly turned up out of the blue two years later, working for a terrorist organisation no less, you might hesitate to trust me too. Besides," His eyes flicked to James who was replacing a scope on an assault rifle. "It was for the best in the end, don't you think?"

Her eyes followed his, and a surge of pride swept through her as she caught sight of the N7 logo on James' new armour. She smiled before she could stop herself. "You might have a point there, Major."

Kaidan grinned and gestured for her to turn around to he could check the seals on the back of her armour, his expression professional and polite. Shepard turned, and rolled her shoulders while she waited, trying to dislodge some of the tension from her muscles. It had been a hell of a few days; that was for sure.

Traynor and EDI ended up taking the better part of two days to analyse and predict Kai Leng's destination based on his flight path, and another day to narrow down the search to a single system. Waiting had been hell, though Shepard had used that time to meet with Miranda on the Citadel.

They'd never been the best of friends, but she respected Miranda.

So when Miranda asked her for Alliance support, no questions asked, Shepard did what she could to help. She knew the ex-Cerberus operative was hunting her slime bag father because she suspected he'd kidnapped her twin sister. It had been an interesting meeting, that was for sure, especially when Kai Leng's name had come up and Miranda became genuinely concerned.

Apparently they knew each other - and they _weren't_ friends.

The rest of the crew had made the most of their stop over as well; James had picked up his new N7 armour and been granted access to the N7 weapons. He'd been like a kid in a candy store as he touched this gun and that one, ogling weapon mods as though they were pinup girls.

Shepard grinned at the memory; seeing James that excited had been ridiculously cute, and had done wonders for helping break her out of the haze of anxiety lingering around her.

"Do you think he'll still be down there?" Kaidan asked, pulling her from her thoughts as he finished his check.

She didn't need to ask who he was talking about.

"Who knows? The automated beacons warning people to stay away from Sanctuary were pretty ominous, and the lack of response to EDI's hails isn't heartening." Rennah made her way to the weapon's rack as she spoke. "Hundreds of thousands of people fled to Sanctuary when the reapers attacked. If Cerberus is mixed up in this place somehow …" her voice trailed off.

"You think it's a trap?"

They reached the weapons and Shepard picked up her favourite shotgun; the barrel reassuringly cold and familiar in her hand as she stowed it across her back. "I think Kai Leng came here with the data for a reason, and I'm assuming it's a bad one."

"Let's just hope the bastard hasn't left already." Kaidan took his assault rifle and nodded at her as he turned and made for the shuttle.

"You good, Lola?" James finished adjusting his weapon and glanced at her.

_He really did look good in his brand new armour_ , she thought to herself as she nodded at him. James wore the shiny N7 black armour with pride, and the darker colours suited him. They complimented his tanned skin and dark eyes, and seemed to make him seem bigger and more imposing. Which was a good thing as far as Rennah was concerned; she found James' size to be one of the most attractive things about him.

"Yep." She smiled at him as she pushed away from the bench. "Ready for some payback."

The smile didn't quite reach her eyes, but she _was_ feeling better. Admittedly, that was mostly because Chakwas had given her some powerful sedatives which knocked her into a dreamless sleep. And because James slept with his arms around her each night, a warm solid presence at her back that helped her to relax.

For the first time in weeks she'd had a couple of nights of decent sleep, and it was amazing how much better it made her feel. Hell, she'd even managed a few sparring matches while they'd been docked. Even with one eye missing, she'd discovered she could still take James and Kaidan, although Kaidan had almost got the better of her - the sneaky bastard had tried to use his biotics to hold her in a stasis.

Grinning at the memory of his startled expression when she broke free, she and James climbed into the shuttle. Shepard left James and Kaidan on the troop deck and made her way to the forward section as Cortez guided them out of the Normandy and towards the planet below. For a while neither of them spoke; they just took in the view as Cortez scanned the comm bands for signals.

The last time she'd been here the planet had been under attack by the Collectors, and her biggest concern had been dealing with the seeker swarms below. She hadn't taken the time to really look at the planet, but she made sure she did this time; it was beautiful.

It also gave her the creeps.

By the time they entered the atmosphere the sense of dread had grown for very good reasons. They'd picked up a looped message warning people to keep away, spoken by none other than Miranda Lawson herself. It had stunned Shepard; If Miranda was here then that meant that her father and sister were here, and that meant that Cerberus _did_ have their claws in this facility.

Her looped message was simple – it warned refugees to keep away because Sanctuary wasn't what it seemed.

"Commander?" Cortez nodded towards the landing pad as he brought the shuttle in low over Sanctuary.

The landing pad was in ruins, and the outside of the facility was wreathed in flame and smoke. Crashed shuttles were scattered carelessly about the courtyard; upended and crumpled as though they'd crashed trying to land. Or trying to escape. As they came in lower, Shepard saw bodies lying amongst the wreckage. Some of them were clearly Cerberus, others were civilians and some of them, she was surprised to see, where reapers.

_What the hell are the reapers doing here?_

"Set us down where you can, Cortez." She scanned the skies around them for signs of movement but saw none. "And stay sharp while we're gone. I want you ready to lift off at the first sign of trouble."

"You got it, ma'am."

She left him to find them a landing space and moved back to the troop deck, holding onto the walls for support as the shuttle began a sharp descent. James and Kaidan were talking quietly, but they stopped and gave her their full attention when she appeared. If she were honest, she still found it surreal that they'd become friends, especially considering that only a few weeks ago the two of them had been close to blows.

"We have trouble," she told them as she readied her shotgun. "Lots of crashed shuttles and bodies. Some are Cerberus, some are reapers and I spotted what looked like an awful lot of dead civilians."

"That son of a bitch." James' eyes narrowed and Shepard watched, strangely fascinated, as his jaw clenched in anger. "Did Cerberus raid the facility?"

She shook her head. "After those beacons? Not a chance. It looks more like Cerberus is behind Sanctuary and the reapers attacked it. God only knows why."

"Well, it's about fucking time the reapers and Cerberus started fighting each other."

The shuttle touched down with a light bump and both men go to their feet. Kaidan moved to the hatch first and opened it, letting in a rolling wave of billowing smoke. _It smelled an awful lot like Thessia did_ , Shepard thought as she curled her lip and tried not to breath too much of it in, _of dead things, burnt rubber and acrid smoke._

As a team they leapt from the shuttle and began to systematically check the grounds around the facility. There were a lot of dead civilians, and enough reaper and Cerberus troops for Shepard to raise an eyebrow. Clearly, Sanctuary was in lockdown. How and why wasn't clear, and despite trying every terminal they came across, there was no obvious way into the main building.

Sighing in frustration, Shepard was about to suggest trekking to the far side of the facility, when an ear-splitting shriek broke the silence and she clapped her hands over her ears.

_Oh no…_

She got down low and scuttled for cover, managing to crouch behind a small cement wall with James and Kaidan just as a Harvester flew over – chasing a Cerberus shuttle. The harvester roared angrily and twisted impressively in the air to knock the shuttle aside, sending it spinning into the side of the building where it fell to the ground in a fiery explosion.

"Fuck!" James muttered beside her as they were showered in fragments of glass and metal.

With a triumphant shriek, the harvester executed an incredible turn in mid-air and vanished back into the cloudy sky, its wingbeats growing distant until it was gone. For a moment there was silence, then the sound of the shuttle's hatch being opened reached them. Shepard signalled for them to move, and crept closer, gun at the ready as a small figure clothed in white and yellow armour staggered out. The figure, a woman, staggered to her knees tried to rise, and then fell again and lay still.

_A Phantom?_

Shepard moved towards the body, James and Kaidan covering her from either side. The wreckage yielded no clues, but the body of the phantom was slightly more interesting. The face beneath the mask was clear, innocent and youthful – with no trace of the reaper taint. In fact, there was none of the husk-like rot that Shepard had seen on the faces of other indoctrinated troopers at all.

But when she forced the woman's eyelids open, her eyes glowed with an unearthly blue lights. Shepard repressed a shiver and pulled her hand from the woman's face, wiping her palms on her legs as though worried she would catch something.

"Jesus." Kaidan looked ill. "What the hell are they doing to these people?"

"I'm not sure, but I'm sure as hell not going to let myself end up like this." She pushed away from the body but kept the semi-armoured Phantom mask and the Phantom blade, stuffing the mask inside of her own breather helmet and tucking the blade through a gun loop on her back. If nothing else, maybe they could learn something about their weapons and armour. "Is there any sign of a way in?"

Kaidan tore his eyes off the sword hooked across her back. "Not that I can see. The blast doors are locked up tight and all the terminals we checked are running a lockout program."

"Shit," Shepard cursed and bit her lip as she thought. "Okay, spread out and re-check every terminal. There has to be some way in."

James and Kaidan nodded and moved in different directions. Rennah spared one more look at the dead Phantom and then moved back the way she had come. But there wasn't anything to be found aside from torn up bodies and terminals of information about processing refugees. The only thing that seemed amiss, other than the carnage and gore splattered around, was a crashed Alliance shuttle which puzzled her some.

She was going in for a closer look when James' voice rang out and Shepard whirled around.

"Yo, Shepard! I've got something!"

She lost all interest in the shuttle and jogged towards her Lieutenant, arriving at the same time as Kaidan.

James waved them towards the terminal. "You need to see this."

He hit a button on the display and an audio recording began to play. Like the others recordings it was wreathed in distortion, but the message was longer and gave more details. The recording played in full, Miranda's droll Australian accent severe and serious as she warned that Sanctuary was a lie, and that the facility was in fact a Cerberus facility run by her father. It ended with a warning for any refugees to get out while they could, then it broke up into static and distortion.

_Well, that was cheery!_

"Commander?" James glanced at her, his features tight. "This woman is your friend, right? Can we trust her?"

"Yeah." Shepard nodded and ran a hand down her shotgun, taking comfort in the solid metal. "Miranda's been hunting her father for the last six months, ever since her little sister went missing. She suspected he took her and was working with Cerberus, but this …" She glanced around the burning courtyard and shook her head. "I want to know what the hell Miranda's father, a crazy fucking geneticist, is doing working with Cerberus. And why the hell it's got the reapers so riled up."

"Well, I imagine the first step is going to be getting inside that building." Kaidan clapped her on the shoulder and nodded towards a blinking security panel in an alcove they'd missed earlier. "C'mon, I want to know what Cerberus is hiding."

As a team they moved closer to the panel. It didn't appear to be anything of interest at first glance; just a security panel that was running a program circulating water through an artificial lake. But the very fact that it was an active and unlocked security panel made Shepard want to turn it off. Kaidan reached out a hand and then hesitated, casting a questioning look at her.

"Shut it down," she ordered, readying her gun in case it turned out to be a nasty trick.

"It's a pumping system," he informed her as he accessed the panel. "I'm shutting down the security systems and activating the pumps."

With a low hum, the water began to drain away and Shepard peered over the edge of the embankment as it revealed a floodway below, with a door into the facility.

_Bingo!_

She grinned. "We've just found our way in. Let's go, boys." Shepard slithered down the watery ladder and began to splash her way up the causeway, her eye flicking this way and that as she took in the huge ducted pipes and twisted cables, both of which made her skin prickle uncomfortably. "Kaidan." She paused and waited until he caught up with her, then nodded towards the coiled pipes. "What does that look like to you?"

"Reaper technology." He flicked out his omni-tool and scanned it. "I don't know how, but it looks like somehow Cerberus has found a way to use it."

"No wonder the reapers are attacking this place." James paused beside them and then continued on, glancing back over his shoulder as he added, "Cerberus just keeps getting creepier, hey Lola?"

"Yeah, glad I got out when I did."

James snorted. "Me too. You wouldn't look quite as hot as a husk."

Shepard made herself walk away from the pipes, but the prickling sensation only got worse as she drew closer to the facility, and a chill slid down her spine. Was it possible she was getting sensitive to reaper tech? Was this an earlier sign of indoctrination? The thought made her feel almost light-headed with worry, but she pulled herself together and mentally noted to ask Chakwas about it later.

Ahead of her, Kaidan hit the door release and Shepard brought her gun up as it opened up to reveal yawning blackness beyond. Above them, the facility towered like a giant's face, and the doorway suddenly took on the dimensions of a gaping mouth. _The belly of the beast_ , she thought sardonically as she stepped over the threshold, more determined than ever to find out what the hell Kai Leng was doing here, and how Miranda and her father were caught up in this.

A light shivery feeling passed over her skin as she stepped into the facility; _something wasn't right_.

Light flickered on automatically overhead and James made a small sound. "What the hell? This looks more like a factory than a refugee camp."

He wasn't wrong.

The room contained more humming electrical cables and industrial looking vats. It stank of something chemical, with an underlying smell that reminded Shepard of husks. The scent sent a ripple of revulsion dancing along her skin, and she shivered despite herself. But it only lasted a second, then she tightened her grip on her gun and edged forward, watching every dark corner in case a husk came ambling out.

None did.

The next room was even worse, only instead of smelling of chemical and husks, it smelled of medical grade cleaning products and burning electrical equipment. The lighting was down, and Shepard flicked a flashlight on as she glanced around. The room was split-level with multiple terminals, and plate glass windows which reflected her torch light back at her.

"Powers out. Spread out and find a switch." She nodded for Kaidan and James to check the lower level, while she checked the upper level.

The monitors were dark and dim except for the largest central control panel, which Shepard managed to coax to life despite her lack of tech ability. There was a pause after she ran a start-up program, then the room came to life as lights flickered on and monitors above her burst to life in horrifying security feeds. For a second, Shepard stared at them wordlessly, her eyes struggling to make sense of what she saw.

_People screaming. Scientists watching. Children and adults both contorting in chambers as they were gassed. Husks where they used to be. Shrieking and throwing themselves against the glass …_

"Jesus!" She gasped and swallowed as bile rose in her throat. James and Kaidan moved to her side and she gestured at the screens. "The refugees …"

James watched the screens with a scowl, but to his credit he didn't look away. "Are they killing them?"

"Worse," she croaked, struggling to draw in breath. "They're making them into husks."

His anger turned to horror. " _Dios_!"

"Shepard!" Kaidan touched her arm and pointed at another monitor. "Is that Cain?"

It _was_ Cain.

Shepard narrowed her eye angrily she watched him move about the room on the security feed. He was standing next to a holding cell with a refugee inside, restrained and screaming, as a yellow gas was pumped into the chamber. Cain didn't appear to be doing anything other than watching, but after a few moments he brought up his omni-tool and abruptly turned and looked up at the camera.

The sight of those eyes, glowing with orange cybernetic implants, was enough to turn her mind to ice, and her heart began to pound in her chest.

"Oh fuck."

The fear that ran up Shepard's spine was instantaneous. She'd thought she was okay, she really had, but seeing him on the monitor looking up at her with those eyes brought it all back. She could remember being held down by hands, _so many hands_ , with her biotics useless as Cain gloated over her and began to cut into her eye, the blade sinking in while she fought to get free.

_She'd screamed, and screamed, and screamed …_

"Lola?" James took her hand and Shepard shook her head slightly to clear the memory as he squeezed her fingers gently. "You okay? You went real quiet there."

_He knows; he knows you're shit scared._

She nodded and scrambled for an excuse. "Yeah, I just … I just wonder if this is where Cain was going to bring me all along. You know, the whole Phantom Initiative. I got the feeling it wasn't something they thought I'd do voluntarily."

"Fuck." James' hand tightened painfully around hers. "You think this is a trap?"

"I don't know, but it's a facility that seems to be devoted into making people into fucking Cerberus puppets, or reaper puppets. I don't know, but _they_ ," She gestured at a screen which showed a husk sitting placidly in a cell. "Look just like the fucking Cerberus troops do under their helmets."

Both men seemed to buy it, and as Cain abruptly walked out of the camera's range, Shepard flared her biotics imperceptibly; almost like flexing a muscle. Cain was not going to get her this time. No way. His presence here just meant she could get two birds with one stone, or in the case of her and her team – three really fucking big stones.

_Kai Leng and Cain won't know what hit them!_

"Okay gentlemen." She smiled slightly as the sounds of husks screeching and wailing echoed through the nearby hallway, and she nodded at the door. "I think our secret might be out, so let's get going before either of our targets can leg it."

Kaidan spared her a startled look as she pushed past him towards the door that led further into the facility. "You think they're going to run?"

"C'mon Iceman." James answered before she could. "You telling me you wouldn't run if you had a pissed off Shepard gunning for you?"

There was a pause behind her and then she heard Kaidan snort in amusement.

"Good point."

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**A/N – I'm sure Shepard will be totally fine! I hope you all enjoyed this chapter - let me know what you thought.**


	56. Roll the Bones

_Disclaimer: I don't own Mass Effect_

**A/N – Work was brutal this week, so I had almost no time to write. Apologies for that. On the plus side, I'm on holidays for two weeks now, so I can hopefully get chapters up more frequently.**

**A massive thank you to my wonderful readers and reviewers – I really appreciated the positive comments on the last chapter. Thank you so much. I hope you enjoy this one! A big thank you to TLCinbflo who helped me work out a few kinks in this chapter!**

* * *

Shepard hit the ground hard and rolled into cover as the loud rattle of an assault rifle sounded over her head. Sanctuary was overrun with reapers, and she crouched behind an upended work desk as James fired over her head, keeping the nearest banshee at bay while Kaidan primed an Overload.

The lights in the room flickered in a disorientating manner, and the sickly-sweet stench of decomposing flesh was rank. Several bodies, in various stages of decay and husk-transformation were strapped onto gurneys. Many had been cut open, others were missing body parts, and a few had visible cybernetic enhancements showing.

It was disgusting, and she loathed Cerberus more with each passing second.

"Ready!" Kaidan yelled over the noise of James' assault rifle, and Shepard met his eyes as she gathered her biotics.

Charging at a banshee was a risky move, but with two of them closing in, and what sounded like a brute about the smash through the steel door at the far end of the room, there wasn't any other choice.

"Do it!" Shepard roared as her biotics built in her body to an almost painful pitch.

Kaidan fired off his overload, and the banshee let out an ear-splitting shriek as it disrupted her barrier. She staggered, black eyes focusing hatefully on Kaidan, and she snarled and turned in his direction.

_Now!_

Shepard let all that power she'd build up release, and launched herself forward in a crackle of energy. The room twisted and warped around her as she charged forward at the banshee. She slammed into the monstrous creature with enough force to send a shock wave through her own body, but there was no time for pain. Rennah danced aside, then slammed her fist into the ground and unleashed a nova in a crackling wave of energy.

The banshee shrieked and contorted, its hideous face twisted into a grimace as it crumpled to the floor. Almost instantly, its body was enveloped by an undulating blue wave, and within moments it was torn apart by its own biotic power. The thing left on the floor resembled silvery pus and slime, and Rennah spared it only a fleeting glance as she ducked back behind her desk for cover as the second banshee warped closer.

"Lola, you okay?" James' voice sounded over the comm, tense with concern as the gunfire went on and on. "The other one is heading your way."

"Thanks," Shepard told him as she risked a quick glance over the top of the table.

Sure enough the banshee was ignoring every bullet the boys fired as it. Instead, those silvery-black eyes were focused on her, and its long spindly arms stretched in her direction; as though begging for a hug. It seemed to smile for a moment, than it screamed and erupted with a biotic light, sending a powerful wave of energy at her.

"Shit!" Shepard cursed as the rippling wave slammed into her, and she was sent skittering across the floor.

The banshee howled again, this time in triumph, and warped closer. It appeared over Shepard so quickly that she screamed before she could stop herself. She had a moment of blinding terror as she looked up into its skull-like face, then she acted. With a fierce cry, Shepard kicked its knee hard enough that its knee cap slipped sideways and the leg crumped under it. She thought it would topple and fall, but it didn't, and it drew one long arm back to deliver an impaling blow … and froze.

_Literally_.

Shepard scuttled backwards as fast as she could, the tell-tale icy crackle of one of Kaidan's cryoblasts music to her ears, and an icy white frost crept down the banshee's limbs. She knew it wouldn't hold for long, but it would let her put some distance between them, and with a grunt of effort, Shepard rolled to her feet and bolted for cover.

"Hit the deck, Commander!" James yelled, his voice thunderously loud in her ears.

Shepard obediently threw herself at the ground, trusting in him rather than her own instincts. It was a good choice. Behind her a thunderous explosion sounded and the banshee shrieked as James hit it with a Carnage, causing a chain reaction which sent an icy explosion through the room. Her ears rang and the breath was knocked from her body as the icy force of the explosion swept over her.

_So cold!_

"Grenade!"

She wasn't sure who shouted, but she curled up as small as she could as another two explosions rocked the room, something wet splashed on her, and the banshee's shrieks finally died off.

Silence returned.

Shepard climbed to her feet, dimly aware that it wasn't really silent at all, and that there was a rhythmic booming from the brute at the doors. She blinked, dazed, as James appeared beside her. His mouth moved but his words sounded like they were underwater; distant. It was hard to focus on him, and she shook her head slowly and tried to orientate herself.

"… Lola?"

With some effort, Shepard gathered her thoughts and met James' eyes.

"Flash grenades?" she asked. Hearing her own voice helped to ground her, and she glanced down at her armour. She was covered in thick black banshee blood.

_Gross._

He shook his head. "One concussion and one regular. I was worried it would warp at you while you were down."

"Good thinking." Shepard tried to smile, but her head was spinning and she suspected she was grimacing instead.

Kaidan reached them. "You good, Commander?"

"Of course." She shook off the last of the shock, and rolled her neck muscles as the noise grew more intense. "Shall we take care of our friend here and then push on? Miranda must be here somewhere, and we need to find her before Leng does."

"You're the boss, Lola. The Iceman and I just work here. But, you might want this -" James nodded at the floor and bent down to retrieve her phantom blade. "It came off when that biotic blast got you."

"Thanks."

She took the sword and slipped it into the same holder that housed her shotgun, so the two weapons nestled together side by side. The blade was more trouble than it was probably worth, but the Alliance needed samples of Cerberus tech. With a nod to James, Shepard turned and led the way to the door, which was beginning to warp under the constant attacks.

She had to stifle a sigh as she walked; this mission was taking too long for her liking.

Over the course of the day they'd made slow progress through the facility. The way forward was often barred by doors which Kaidan couldn't hack through, and they'd been forced to take alternate routes. Whenever they came across a security panel, Shepard stopped to access records and try to locate Miranda. It seemed they were following the path she'd taken, though somehow she'd slipped past pockets of reaper troops which they were forced to fight.

The further they got into Sanctuary, the darker and more horrific things became. Miranda's father _was_ behind Cerberus' indoctrination process - a twisted and monstrous process which twisted the mind and body. The refugees had been unwilling test subjects, and later became unwilling soldiers - brainwashed into fighting for Cerberus.

It was sick.

The entire facility made Rennah's skin crawl. There was a sense of wrongness in the air; of something oppressive and dark. The reapers had attacked the facility as soon as they realised that Cerberus, and not them, were in control the people they'd made into husks. James had been right; it was about time they started fighting each other, but it was too little, too late.

As she crossed the room, Shepard kept her gaze straight ahead and tried to avoid glimpsing the bodies on the tables as they passed. But no matter how hard she tried, it was impossible not to see that some of the bodies were very small indeed.

_Children? Surely even Cerberus wouldn't do this to children?_

But visions of Jack danced through her head, and Rennah knew that they would.

"This is _loco._ " James muttered as he glanced at her, his eyes tight with stress. "Even for Cerberus this is completely off the chain."

"I know." She came to a stop a few metres back from the doors.

There was a pause as the brute bellowed angrily, and Rennah repressed a shiver as she heard the distant howl of husks start up. A moment later, the brute resumed throwing itself at the door, and the wails were lost among the metallic thudding sounds.

"How're we doing this?" Kaidan asked. He winced as the door groaned ominously under the continued assault. "Open the doors and let it rush in?"

"No, we're going to do it sensibly." Shepard brought up her gun as the doors began to creak apart, the metal warping far enough that one of the brutes savage eyes could be seen peering in through the crack. "We'll wait for that gap in the door to widen, and take it out before it can get in. Concentrate your fire on its big fat head and shoot through the gap as soon as it's wide enough."

"Yes, ma'am," they chorused, almost in unison.

Shepard looked down at her arc pistol; it seemed an inadequate weapon against a creature of this size, but it packed a punch and was deadly accurate. She sighted on the brute as the doors buckled further, and was about to squeeze the trigger when an intercom was activated, and speakers hidden above them squealed loudly. The brute kept ramming the doors, but the voice could be heard over them.

It was Cain.

_"I'd surrender if I were you."_ He sounded smug, calm; as though he was holding all the cards. _"That brute is making an awful lot of noise, and every husk in the vicinity is heading your way. No matter how good you are, there is no way you can survive a swarm of hundreds of husks. Let alone thousands."_

"Ignore him," Rennah ordered through clenched teeth. "Just get ready to fire."

_"Of course."_ Cain continued as though he couldn't hear her. _"I'm willing to be reasonable. I still have control of our indoctrinated husks, and can order them back to their cells, but only if you turn yourselves in. You won't be harmed, you have my word."_

"Bullshit," Kaidan murmured, his face pale as he sighted down his gun. "Does he really think we're that stupid?"

Rennah shook her head. "He's gambling that we'll back down."

It seemed logical; Cerberus obviously still wanted them alive.

"You don't think the husks are there?" James asked, raising his voice to be heard over the noise from the door. "It sure as hell sounds like it."

"There are husks, but thousands? I doubt it. Cain wants us to surrender. We're no good to them dead."

She almost missed James' response as the metal doors screamed and warped further apart; "That sure as hell didn't stop them from trying their damnedest to kill you on Thessia ..."

"All the more reason to stay alive and kill as many as we can." She pursed her lips and nodded as the gap between the doors widened far enough that the brutes entire head could be seen. "Fire!"

They emptied clip after clip into the brute, who screamed and bellowed viciously at the gap in the doors. The stupid creature didn't have the wit to move out of the way, and within minutes its movements were sluggish. Black blood oozed under the door and splattered through the gap, and with a final shot to the head it shuddered and fell forward onto the doors - which groaned ominously.

The howls of the husks outside the door grew louder, and Shepard whirled, ejecting a spent thermal clip from her gun as the sound of many, _many_ hands beating on the doors started up.

"We're not going through those doors." She led them back through the room to a maintenance ladder. "Go up!"

The pounding on the door grew louder, mixing with the shrieks and howls of the husks; a cacophony of sound that raised the hair on the back of Shepard's neck. There were so many of them. Cain _hadn't_ been bluffing. There had to be hundreds of them! The doors groaned under the weight of the husks throwing themselves against it - the sheer number of bodies causing the doors to buckle inwards even further.

"Up the ladder!" She roared, risking a glance over her shoulder at the door.

She saw a confusing jumble through the gap; _writhing grey bodies, glowing blue eyes and blackened fingers and hands - all churning about like a nest of rotten maggots_. Revulsion swept through her. _They're only husks_ , she told herself, _only husks_. But the sea of grey faces and hands clawing at the gap, squeezing through, terrified her.

Kaidan vanished up the ladder and opened the access panel at the top, his fingers flying over his omni-tool as he hacked security and got them access. James stayed at the bottom of the ladder, grim faced as he waved her up and fired the occasional shot at a husk who managed to get more than its head through the gap.

"Go!" He frowned at her when she hesitated. "Now, Commander!"

She shot up the ladder as the din increased at the doors, reaching the top and turning back to watch as James started up behind her. The doors groaned alarmingly and a sonorous _BOOM_ echoed through the room as they crashed inwards. James swore and hurried up the ladder as a wave of husks swarmed through the room below him; an undulating wave of flailing grey arms, gaping black mouths and vacant eyes. The noise was incredible, _deafening_ , and Shepard reached down and grasped James' arm, pulling him through the access hatch as the husks began swinging up the ladder like ghoulish monkeys.

"Close it!" She screamed.

Kaidan slammed the hatch down as the first of the husks started trying to climb through. The edge of the hatch sliced through their fingers and scattered them across the floor like fat grey worms. The deafening noise receded to a muffled _burr_ , and Shepard fell back as Kaidan sealed and locked the hatch. Her heart pounded in her chest, her hands trembled and her skin was tingling with adrenaline.

_They almost got James._

She couldn't seem to shake the thought and her hand sought his, gripping tightly. James' breathing was ragged, more from fear than exertion, and he had a dazed look on his face as he squeezed her hand in return and backed away from the hatch.

Kaidan looked from her to James with eyes round with disbelief. "There were hundreds of them, at least ..."

"Fuck how many there were," James interrupted, and his hand tightened on hers convulsively. "They were wearing _clothes_. Those used to be _people_!"

An image of Eden Prime flashed through Rennah's head; _colonists impaled on spikes, arms and legs hanging boneless, mouths stretched open in silent screams._

"There isn't anything we can do for them except shut this place down and make sure that Cerberus gets what is coming to them." Shepard told him.

She let go of James' hand and stood. The hallway was narrow and poorly lit, and the light from Kaidan's omni-tool made their shadows stretch and dance around them. It looked to be some kind of maintenance corridor, and she struck off in what she hoped was the right direction. There was no way of knowing where Kai Leng would be, or Miranda or Cain for that matter. She only hoped that she ran into Miranda first, and that they managed to find the Cerberus operatives before they found them.

_Those husks had been too close._

Their footsteps echoed softly in the dark space, and the shadows pressed around them thickly. Shepard flicked on her flashlight and continued forward, a distant sound drawing her on. It sounded like a voice … maybe someone yelling? It was hard to make out. It could have been a recording, or a security terminal with a recorded message.

Hell, it could have been husks groaning.

It wasn't.

The closer they got to the end of the hallway, the louder the voice became. Not just one voice, but several. They were coming up through grates in the floor that looked down on another room, and Shepard got a disorientating birds-eye view of Miranda, and an older man who had a gun to a teenage girl's head.

_Oriana_!

Miranda clutched her side with one hand, and Shepard saw blood seeping from the wound. She had a gun pointed at the older man, and wore a look of stubborn determination which she remembered well.

"Let Ori go!" she demanded, her voice echoing up around them.

Shepard indicated for Kaidan to hack the security on the grate below, and watched angrily as the man roughly twisted his hand in the girl's hair, causing her to cry out.

"No!" He spat, his face contorting with rage. "Oriana is coming with me!"

Oriana gasped as the man, who Shepard assumed was Miranda's father, dragged her back a few steps. She reached out a hand towards Miranda desperately. "Miri!"

Shepard tore her eyes off the scene unfolding beneath as the lock cycled and Kaidan stepped back. They'd have to be fast, she knew, and Shepard drew her gun as she quietly lifted the grate. Kaidan and James nodded to show their readiness, and with a deep breath Shepard jumped down and landed in a crouch.

"Shepard?!" Miranda gasped and whirled around, clearly taken by surprise.

Her father, Henry Lawson, seemed less startled, and he used the distraction to drag Oriana further away. She started to aim her gun at the portly old man, but too late realised there was another figure standing behind him. She hadn't been able to see him through the grate above, which was a pity, because he'd clearly been expecting her.

_Cain_.

His gun was up and he fired two shots before she could take cover. Both bullets hit her in the chest, taking out her shields and knocking her backwards. Her head rang, vision swam, and iron bands squeezed around her lungs. Pain radiated from her chest in waves of agony. _Concussive shots,_ she registered dimly, vaguely aware of Kaidan and James around her, of more gun fire, and of another body hitting the ground.

Time passed, she wasn't sure how much, and finally the ringing in her head stopped. Shepard forced herself up, ignoring the pain as she tried to clear her head. She was lucky; her armour absorbed most of the impact - Cain had only been intending to incapacitate her. But to have fired off rounds at her so quickly, he had to have known she was coming!

_But how?_

Kaidan had a barrier up around them, Shepard realised as she got to her feet. He stood in front of her with his arms raised, and James … Shepard froze as she saw him; James lay near her, his face a mess of blood. It looked like a concussive round had hit him in the side of the head – a painful experience even _with_ a helmet on.

"James?"

A chill ran through her and she moved to his side, carefully moving his hand from the side of his head so she could see his wound. Shepard hissed as she saw the broken skin on the side of his head. It was only a flesh wound; _just broken skin_. But it was bleeding badly, and he looked to be on the edge of unconsciousness.

She pressed his hand back to the side of his head to staunch the blood. "Can you hear me?"

He mumbled and groaned by way of a response.

"Aw, so touching." Cain drawled, claiming her attention. He ginned at her, delighted as Henry Lawson dragged Oriana to his side. "I'm sure he'll bounce back. He recovered from that bullet I put in his chest."

" _Svoloch_!" Rennah growled in Russian as an old anger surged through her; _scalding, burning, searing_.

Her blood pumped through her body in a deafening roar, and for a moment she forgot everything except her hate for the man in front of her. He'd hurt James. _She'd allowed him to hurt James._ Shepard clenched her teeth together so hard they creaked and her jaw ached, and without thinking she raised her gun and stepped forward, her finger tightening on the trigger …

"Shepard!" Kaidan's voice, urgent, insistent, broke through the red rage. "You can't shoot through a barrier!"

She froze, and slowly released the trigger and let out her breath in a whoosh.

"I know …" Her voice petered out as she caught sight of Miranda. She was lying where she'd been standing moments before; black hair spilt across her face. She could have been sleeping, if not for the pool of blood surrounding her. "Miranda!"

Cain laughed. "You're a bit slow today, Rennah. No matter. Unlike your boyfriend, I'm not so sure she'll be bouncing back. Well, not without some urgent medical attention." He looked amused, and roughly took Oriana from her father. With another chuckle, he ejected a thermal round and pressed the barrel of his handgun under her chin. She whimpered and sobbed, her eyes never leaving her sister's prone form. "Now, I'm willing to be more than fair with you. Throw down your weapons, come out from there with your hands up and I'll not only release the girl, but I'll let your friends go too."

Kaidan glanced at her. "Don't …"

Cain continued as though Kaidan hadn't spoken. "If you try to be hero and fight back, I'll put a bullet in her pretty little head, and if you decide to stay in there and be a coward, I'll not only put a bullet in this girl's head, but in your friend Miranda as well. Cerberus _does_ want her dead after all, so my offer to let her go is _very_ generous."

Rennah tore her gaze away from his; _Miranda was hurt badly. She needed help. They had Oriana and if she didn't go out they'd kill her._ Her mind raced as she tried to think of some way out of this situation. _James was down and hurt, and the only backup she had was Kaidan, but even the two of them wouldn't be able to stop Cain from killing Oriana._

She needed to stall.

"Tell me one thing; how did you know I was up there?"

Cain raised his eyebrows and let out a bark of laughter. "You're really fucking stupid, aren't you? We were onto you the minute your shuttle landed. I've been watching you the entire time; guiding you here. Didn't you stop to think about why so many doors were unlocked? And who do you think sent those husks to chase you up the ladder?" His eyes gleamed, flashing electric blue as they met her gaze. "I knew you wouldn't go back without trying to save the day. Rennah Shepard is too fucking stubborn for that. No. I knew you'd push on, and if you couldn't go forward, you'd go _up_. Do you understand yet? It was a trap, and you fell for it."

"Clever."

It was all she could think of to say; it had been clever. It explained why some doors had been un-hackable and locked, while others were wide open. This whole time she'd been blindly leading her team into a trap.

This was her fault.

_There has to be some way out of this_ , she thought desperately, _some way for them all to come out on top._

"I'm not just a pretty face." Cain tilted his head slightly as his artificial eyes gleamed. "So, what's it going to be, Rennah? You know I'm not a patient man, and this little cow wouldn't be the first girl I've put a bullet in."

Shepard drew in a deep breath.

If she didn't come out, then Cain would kill Oriana, there was no question of that. Was Oriana's life worth more than her own? _No._ But something inside of her baulked at the idea of letting the scared little girl get killed. The memory of James' disgust and anger after she'd allowed Ann Bryson to get hurt was still sharp within her.

_What choice do I have?_

Rennah took her hand off the trigger and placed the arc pistol down on the floor. "Fine. I'll go."

"No!" The word burst violently from Kaidan, and the barrier around them wavered. "Shepard, you can't!"

She shook her head at him. "I have to ..."

"If he was awake, he'd tell you to stop!" He nodded at James, who was slowly coming around. "We need you in this fight! At any cost!"

"I know." She met his eyes and willed him to understand; she'd go with Cain. Not because she was giving up, but because there had to be another way. "And that's why I expect you to come after me."

Cain laughed at that. "By the time they find you, Rennah, you won't even want their help."

Shepard ignored him, and took the clips of ammo from her pockets. She lay them down next to her pistol, then reached behind her for the shotgun. Her hand brushed against the hilt of the sword and she hesitated, then gripped the shotgun and slowly pulled it out, being careful to leave the sword where it was. A tingling sensation swept over her skin, and for a second she felt dizzy; the sword was her chance.

"Help James and Miranda, and then come after me." She lay the shotgun down on the ground and looked into Kaidan's face. He searched her eyes, and finally understanding dawned in his face, and he let the barrier die down around them.

_He knew_.

"Be careful." He clasped her shoulder and pulled her close, the strength in his grip seeping into her as he whispered, "we won't be far behind."

She turned around, raised her hands to show she was unarmed and walked towards Cain, who kept his gun under Oriana's chin. Henry Lawson trained his gun on her, and when she got close he jabbed her in the side with it and gestured for her to proceed him through a door to the side of the room.

No weapon check.

_Sloppy._

She hesitated and looked back at Cain, who still had hold of Oriana. "I thought you said you'd let the girl go."

"Oh, I will," Cain sneered. "Just as soon as we get the procedure underway."

"The procedure?" she asked.

"To make you into a Phantom." Henry Lawson explained. He pushed his handgun into her back, sliding the muzzle between two armour plants so she could feel it pressing against her. "This is where the magic happens. It's so _fortuitous_ that you happened along."

Cain laughed and Oriana gasped as he wrenched her head back. "Let's go, Rennah. Time to re-join the family."

She glared at him and opened the door. A cold metal hallway stretched beyond, and bunches of cables and pipes twisted along the ceilings and walls like snakes. There was a strange hum in the air that pulled at the edges of her mind, and a shiver went down her spine. She stepped through, doing her best not to let the awful feeling overwhelm her as Miranda's father dug the gun in deeper, urging her forward.

_No matter what_ , Rennah promised herself, _Cain and Henry Lawson would be dead by the end of the day for what they'd done on Horizon_.

Behind her, the door shut.

* * *

**A/N - *dramatic music* Now, every time I put up a cliff hanger chapter like this, I always get a few negative guest reviews from people who think they know what will happen next. All I'm going to say is wait and see! Maybe I'll do what you expect, and maybe I won't! :D**

**There will certainly be a few unexpected twists in the next chapter! :D I hope! And I hope you all enjoyed this! Let me know! :)**

_Svoloch = Bastard (Thank you Galactic Alien for your help with Russian!)_


	57. Mine Eyes

_Disclaimer: I don't own Mass Effect_

**A/N – apologies on the delay. My laptop died and I had to buy a new one and rewrite the chapter. There was much angst and swearing. Enjoy this chapter!**

* * *

The corridor seemed to stretch forever, and the pipes and cables that wound along the walls and ceiling, like hundreds of entwined snakes, gave it an ominous feel. Fear and apprehension twisted in Shepard's stomach, and a light sweat broke out along her skin. It had been a long time since she'd felt fear, but she felt it now.

She wasn't scared of what they would do to her; of being indoctrinated. No. She was scared because something _felt_ wrong. Shepard could feel it from the tips of her toes to the end of her nose. It was a creeping feeling that shivered down her skin, and wriggled in her stomach, and the further down the hallway she walked, the stronger the feeling became.

There was something wrong here; she could feel it in her bones.

"Sanctuary was the perfect cover," Henry Lawson told her as he prodded the gun into the small of her back, forcing her down the hallway. "An endless supply of test subjects, and the perfect base from which to study indoctrination."

Anger crept along her skin at the pride in his voice, and she welcomed the familiar warmth of her rage.

"Those people came to you for help!" she growled.

He laughed, and she grit her teeth angrily. "Those people, most of whom were _aliens_ , should be proud that they have helped us in the fight against the reapers."

"That's disgusting!"

"That's _science_." He dug the gun in harder to speed her along. "And that's _progress_. You can't make an omelette without breaking a few eggs."

His complete disregard for human life staggered Shepard, and she made herself count to five in silence before she spoke again. "How did you do it? Work out how to indoctrinate people?"

"Oh, reverse engineering, of course."

"Reaper tech?" She peered at the cables on the walls with a shiver; they certainly looked like reaper tech.

To her surprise, Miranda's father stopped her in the middle of the hallway, and waited for Cain, who was dragging the unwilling Oriana along behind them.

He glanced at her. "Mostly, but we explored several avenues. The reapers aren't the only species who use indoctrination and mind control. The Thorian, rachni, asari and Leviathan all use similar techniques and we explored them all."

"You know about Leviathan?" She curled her lip. "So Cerberus is spying on the Alliance?"

Lawson nodded, amused. "It's pathetically easy to do. Especially when your precious Alliance isn't testing for _our_ indoctrination."

Fury flooded her in a wave of scalding heat, and she glared at him. " _That_ will change. I'll see to it …"

"My dear, in a few minutes you won't care at all," Cain interrupted as he reached their side, sounding far too cheerful. He nodded at Lawson, and the older man dug his gun into her back again, and Shepard had no choice but to continue down the hallway.

The room they took her to was dark, and it had a nose wrinkling odour of chemicals and husk; the same sweet, rotting smell that reeked throughout all of Sanctuary. The lights flickered on automatically as he opened the door and pushed her in, digging his gun in and muttering threats. Rennah barely heard them; the feeling of terror that had been creeping over her skin magnified as soon as the door opened.

The pressure in her skull grew, and it pulsed in time to her heart beat. Her eye burned and she rubbed it as a strange whispering darkness danced at the edge of her vision. _Was this is?_ _Am I being indoctrinated already?_ Lawson didn't seem affected, nor did Cain or Oriana.

No, whatever was going on was happening to her alone.

_But why?_

_**Because we demand it.** _

Rennah gasped as a bone-deep cold sank into her skin. Icy. Dark. Oppressive. A roaring filled her ears, deafening her, and she shivered as the cold increased. The pressure in her head built, and she made a small sound as her skull throbbed painfully.

"What's going on?" She heard Cain speak from far away, but couldn't make out Lawson's reply.

Her eye fluttered shut, and she raised a hand to her head, swaying dizzily as the roaring grew in pitch until it was a high electrical squeal.

Then the blackness dragged her under.

* * *

_Silence_.

A familiar silence that wasn't silent at all, and was filled with the whispering darkness from her dreams.

Goosebumps covered her skin, and her head ached with pressure; as though her skull were being crushed. When something warm trickled down her face, Rennah didn't need to open her eye to know her nose was bleeding. She'd felt this way before; when she spoke to Leviathan. It had been so cold, so dark, and Leviathan had been … too much.

_Overwhelming_.

Leviathan had been in her head, in her thoughts, and so deep inside of her that it had seemed part of her. Communicating with it went beyond anything she could explain. In some ways it was similar to having Liara inside of her mind, but so totally overwhelming that she'd held onto her own identity through sheer will alone. And that had just been _talking_ to it. She had no doubt at all that if Leviathan had wanted to, it could have wiped her clean.

And now, she felt the same touch again. There was no time to fight, or to try to pull away from Leviathan's touch. The darkness was complete; and it swirled around her thickly.

It wasn't like the last time it 'spoke' her. There were no ghostly figures of the dead to give it words. Instead she got impressions; anger, disdain and hate. All aimed at Cerberus. The feelings churned inside of her, and she felt Leviathan's rage that creatures so small and primitive could harness its power. That they would dare to try. That they had taken one of their spheres and tried to penetrate it.

It didn't care about the people, and it ignored Shepard's outrage about that. Caring was beyond it. Leviathan didn't register that she had a _right_ to care. It was angry at Cerberus and it wanted them dead. She was here to stop that. They'd brought her here to stop them.

_But I came of my own free will_ , she thought in the darkness, _I came here chasing Kai Leng._

_**You came because we willed it.**_ The words formed in her mind, empty and emotionless, not spoken so much as felt. _**You are ours.**_

_I'm not yours._

_**You are ours**_ , Leviathan insisted, echoing inside of her head.

Rennah wanted to feel angry at that, to feel outraged at being used, but Leviathan washed through her mind in a wave of darkness. _Irresistible_. She had an impression that communication in words and speech was too slow and too _primitive,_ then a series of impressions filled her; it wanted Henry Lawson dead. It wanted the indoctrination facility destroyed. They were a threat. _They_ were indoctrinated by Cerberus, so Leviathan could not breech their minds and stop them.

_So you breeched mine?_

_**You are different.** _

She sensed there was more to it than that; Leviathan wanted to control her completely, but it could not.

_**You resist.** _

The pressure receded briefly, and then came roaring back. It felt as though Leviathan was trying to break her, to rip her mind apart. She fought. She held her ground and let the icy darkness pour around her. She'd had her life taken from her twice before; once as a little girl when Cain had made her into his creature, and again when Cerberus brought her back to life.

But Leviathan was too strong, and the blackness surged within her, filling her up. The icy darkness choked her, squeezing the air from her lungs and it drove the warmth from her body. It was too much, and she tried to scream as images forced themselves into her head, playing out like movies that she was forced to view.

She saw an asari screaming as they cut into her head, peeling her head-crests back while she writhed and thrashed and screamed. Then she saw a rachni soldier hooked up to a machine monitoring its sounds; _singing for help_. A sad sound. A lonely sound. The flashes came faster; Cerberus studying Thorian spores, the Leviathan orb, and reaper tech. So many pieces of reaper tech.

Finally, she saw flashes of Henry Lawson testing on humans, asari and turians. Horrible tests. Terrifying tests. Her blood boiled with fury and she sensed Leviathan was pleased. It wanted her angry. It wanted her to fight for them. It wanted her to destroy them.

_**They must be destroyed.** _

The thought echoed in her head, bouncing off the images of horror, and finally, even though she wanted to fight with them, to disagree with them, Shepard agreed. Henry Lawson, Cain and the entire facility had to be destroyed for what they'd done. Leviathan was manipulating her, she knew it, but her anger was so great that she no longer cared.

_**They must be destroyed.** _

_Yes._

The pressure faded, the cold receded and a light shone through the darkness.

_**Destroy them.** _

* * *

Rennah blinked as she opened her eyes and focused on the ceiling above her.

Someone was yelling.

"I don't care about the stupid orb! Wake her up and get her in the tube!" Cain's voice shattered her dreamy state, and she blinked harder as she realised where she was and what was happening.

How long had she been out? What the hell had Leviathan done to her?

She glanced around; Cain was standing by a tube-like containment cell. The same kind she'd seen him use in video footage to indoctrinate people. Oriana was cowering against the far wall, one arm curled protectively against her chest, and clearly broken. Henry Lawson was pointing at the Leviathan orb and was ranting loudly about needing to get readings.

None of them were watching her. _Good._ Still, there was no point sitting up and making herself a target. Better to stay low and wait for them to come closer – especially if they thought she was down for the count.

Rennah kept her gaze on them as she rolled to one side, reached up and silently drew the sword from its sheath. Her movements were fast and quiet, and she slid the phantom blade down the side of her body, using her armour to hide it while she kept her hand firmly on the hilt.

Whoever came near her first was going to get a _nasty_ surprise!

Cain slammed his hand violently down on a bench, and both Oriana and Henry Lawson jumped at the noise. "Get her up now! Whatever the fuck happened to the orb doesn't concern me! We have to get Shepard indoctrinated before the other apes she was with get here. Better to let her waste them, then us."

They wanted her to kill James and Kaidan? _Not fucking likely!_

"Fine." Lawson glared at the other man and started to turn back towards her.

Shepard kept her face down, and stayed still. From where she was lying, she could see the floor immediately in front of her, and his feet appeared in her vision. He grunted as he knelt beside her. And as soon as he fastened one hand on her upper arm, and started to roll her over, she struck.

She brought the sword up in an arc, all of her strength behind it. She aimed for his neck, but he jerked back and the blade bit into his wrist instead. It sliced through him as though his bones and muscles were little more than soft cheese, and his hand flew through the air in a gush of blood. The severed limb hit the wall and fell the floor with a _plop_ \- the fingers twitching spasmodically.

Lawson screamed and reeled back, clutching his stump to his chest as blood spurted out, staining his crisp white shirt and splattering across Shepard's face and chest. She let out a growl and threw herself at him, ignoring the shrill squeal from Oriana and the roar of rage from Cain. Her hand fastened on the gun that Lawson still clutched, and she wrenched it free as they hit the ground.

From the corner of her eye she saw Cain raise his gun, and she rolled, keeping Henry Lawson's larger frame between them. A bullet hit him in the back and he let out a strangled yell, his eyes focusing wildly on Shepard's. He was shocked, she realised, as though he couldn't believe what was happening to him. Another shot hit him in the back and he coughed blood almost immediately; more of the sticky red liquid splattering down her front.

"This can't be happening," he muttered, fear darkening his eyes.

Shepard learned close to him as she heard Cain moving closer. "It is." She shoved him aside and fired at Cain as he attempted to close in on her. Her shot took him in the shoulder, and his shields flickered as they were knocked out. He growled and ducked behind cover,and she followed suit.

"You really think you can get out of here, _Rennie_?" His use of her childhood nickname made her stomach roll. "Even if you kill me, this facility is full of indoctrinated colonists. There's no way out! Keep fighting me and I'll have them tear your soldier friends limb from limb!"

"I don't believe you." _I can't believe him._ She heard him eject a spent thermal clip, and the sound of his armour creaking as he moved out of cover. _A novice mistake._ "All you ever did was lie to me! Why would you do any different now?"

"Lie to you?" His voice vibrated with anger. "I saved you, you stupid bitch! I took you in, gave you everything you could want, and protected you!"

_Lies!_

She tightened her hold on her gun and curled her legs under her, rage pulsing through her veins. How dare he try to claim that he had _helped her_ and _saved her_! He was the one who had taken her life, broken everything she was and made her into a monster!

" _Saved_ _me_?" Her rage burned like acid. " _Protected_ me? You destroyed my life!"

" _Destroyed you_?" He let out an angry bark of laughter. "Do you have any idea what would have happened to you if I hadn't taken you in? Do you know what they would have done to you?" The sounds of his movement came closer; the scuff of his boots on the floor, his voice as he spoke, and the unmistakable hum as his shield recharged. "You would have ended up as just another whore on the streets! I'm the one who made you into who you are tody! Hate me all you want, but it was me who …"

_Now!_ Shepard rolled out from cover before he could finish, fired twice at his chest, and dug her boots onto the floor for purchase as she launched herself forward in a biotic charge.

His shields were down and her second shot had cracked his armour; surprise was etched on his features. _Good._ Her biotics rippled inside of her and along her skin, strong and familiar, and she slammed into Cain with enough force to send him crashing into the glass window of the holding cell behind him.

It didn't matter what they'd done to Cain, she realised, or how strong or how clever he was. In the end _she_ was stronger, faster, and had the combat experience to win this fight; _he was just a man._

"Damn you!" he wheezed as he slumped to the floor, winded. "I should have cut out both your eyes while I had the chance …"

She hit him.

She slammed her fist into his jaw to shut him up, and then she hit him again. Years of anger writhed inside of her; rage for all the times she'd done exactly what he asked, only to be told it wasn't good enough. For all the time she'd gone to bed sobbing and terrified because she hadn't done well enough to get a smile from him.

She'd worshipped him.

She'd loved him.

And he hadn't given a damn.

She hit him a final time and slumped next to him as his head reeled back and blood oozed down from a broken nose. "You were my father! I did everything for you, and it was never enough!"

"Father?" Cain slurred, and managed to laugh. "I was _never_ your father."

"You took me in! You called me your daughter and I called you my dad! What the hell was that …?" She froze as Cain moved, rolling his head to face her as he raised his gun and pressed the barrel to her neck.

_No._

His hand trembled, but the gun was firm against her skin. "You," he ground the gun into her neck as though to drive his point home. "Were an expensive tool to be used, and I took care of you because I wanted to make sure my investment paid off."

_It hurt. After all this time, finding out that he didn't care about her still hurt._

"I hate you." She trembled as she met his cybernetic gaze, and her voice cracked. "I hate you for every single thing you did to me!"

"So kill me." Cain lowered his gun until it rested on her chest, the muzzle wedged between two armour plates. More blood oozed down his face, and he laughed at her confused expression. "Kill your father, _Rennie_. I'll give you to the count of five to see if you have what it take to be a _real killer_."

_Kill him?_

She'd intended to kill him.

She _wanted_ to kill him.

Her gun was still wedged between their bodies, and she brought it up, pressing the barrel under his chin as she drew in a shaky breath. She hated him more in this moment than she'd ever hated anyone in her life … but he was still her father, and something inside of her balked. She could remember times as a child when he'd been kind to her, when he'd taken her with him on business trips and taken her shopping …

"One," he counted, and his eyes locked onto hers. "Two …"

_He doesn't think I'll do it!_

There were noises, the sound of shouting and hysterical screaming, but Cain's eyes stayed locked on hers and Rennah focused on the feeling of her finger on the trigger. _Squeezing. Slowly. Slightly_. Half of her desperate to kill the man who'd tortured and maimed her, and half of her screaming that this was her _father!_

"Three …"

A gunshot rang out, and Cain's head snapped backwards. It exploded in a rain of blood and gore, and his body shuddered under hers. Shepard scrambled back as the corpse slumped lifelessly against the glass wall. She blinked, unable to understand what had happened.

_... I didn't pull the trigger!_

"Rennah!" James's voice rang out and she turned dumbly to see him standing just inside the doorway to the room. His face was a mess of blood from where the concussive round had hit him earlier, and he had her arc pistol in his hands. Oriana huddled behind him; pale and terrified. "Are you okay? Did they …?"

_James shot him?_

Shepard knew she was in shock, and she made herself stand up. Her body felt light as a feather, and she blinked rapidly as she stepped back from her father's, _from Cains_ , she mentally corrected herself, corpse. "I'm fine."

James crossed the room and wrapped his arms around her. "God, when Kaidan told me that you gave yourself up and went with Cain, I could have killed you." He let his breath out and tightened his arms around her. The fear he'd felt evident in his trembling hands. "Shit, I'm sorry, that was a stupid thing to say …"

"James!" Shepard tried to speak, but he continued, the words pouring out of him.

"If I'd lost you, I don't know what I would have done! I can't lose you! I can't …"

She went up on her tiptoes and kissed him, her lips firm against his as she finally stemmed the flow of words. "James," she said again, and pulled back so she could look into his eyes. " _I'm sorry_. But I knew you'd come."

He looked as though he was in physical pain as his hands smoothed down her arms. "What if I hadn't got here in time? He was going to shoot you!"

"No." Shepard stepped back and shook her head. "I was going to shoot him."

_I was._

He let his breath out. "Okay. Don't you ever do that again, Lola. _Ever_."

"I won't." She tried to smile reassuringly at him as she slid the blade back into the holder across her back. "Thank you."

Shepard tore her gaze off him as they turned to leave, and her eyes touched briefly on the body of Henry Lawson, on Cain, and finally on the glowing Leviathan orb sitting on the far side of the room. Without thinking she pointed her handgun at the orb and fired. Once. Twice. Three times. It shattered in a spray of sparkling dust and glass shards.

"What the hell?" James whirled stared at her in shock.

She shrugged. "I don't think it's wise to leave an orb here where Cerberus can get to it again. They reverse engineered reaper tech. God knows what they'd do if they worked out how these orbs work."

"Good point." .

Rennah paused, and stared at the remains of the orb. Leviathan _hadn't_ been able to control her, not completely, but having it inside of her mind was too much. The only thing bothering her was why Leviathan hadn't been able to control her when it was so strong.

She intended to find out.

* * *

**A/N – Cain is gone, but Kai Leng is still out there, and we'll have to wait for the next chapter to find out Miranda's fate.** **A big thank you to all of my readers and reviewers!** **This was a hard chapter to write, but I hope it's turned out fine, and that you have enjoyed it.  
**

**Oh, and I've finally started up a Tumblr account as Lenathecat where I will post drabbles from time to time - I've added a link to my profile for anyone interested.**


	58. Into the Void

_Disclaimer: I don't own Mass Effect_

**A/N – This was one of those chapters that was a pleasure to write, so I hope you all enjoy it!**

**A big thank you to my reviewers: Nicniviean, Jules Hawk, TLCinbflo, Ela11, Silver Ilix, Lara Jayd, Commander Zoe, Lady Velvet C. Peterson, Sophie Shepard, Jason Thursday, Candle in the Night, Simone TRH, ChaseingTheWind, chante, shegutz and the guests. You guys blew my mind – seriously! Thank you so much! Your reviews made my day!**

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The medbay was unusually quiet as Shepard settled herself at Miranda's bedside. The Cerberus agent held a finger to her lips, and Shepard shrugged and stayed quiet as Chakwas finished up at her desk. The doctor glanced at them as though she was going to say something, maybe remind Shepard not to tire out her patient, but in the end she just threw her a meaningful look as she pivoted on her heel and strode out of the room. The door shut with a hiss and the silence closed in. Shepard looked back at her friend, and Miranda's cool blue eyes met hers.

"My father's dead?" she asked quietly. "You're certain?

Rennah nodded. "Yeah, he's dead."

Both of Cain's bullets had taken Henry Lawson in the back, and without the protection of armour or shielding, he'd bled out fast. Personally, Shepard thought it was a pity he'd died so quickly – the bastard deserved a slow painful death after the suffering he'd inflicted on the refugees.

"Good." Miranda winced as she struggled into a sitting position. "I'm just sorry I wasn't there to do it myself. What he did was monstrous."

"I know."

"All those people," she continued. "And poor Oriana. He had no right to snatch her away from her life, and force her to take part in the horror at Sanctuary."

Shepard shrugged and settled back in her chair. "At least Oriana wasn't indoctrinated."

It was a small comfort, but it was important, and Shepard knew it would mean something to Miranda. They'd done a short sweep of the facility before the reapers forced them out; they'd found no survivors. Or at least, no survivors who weren't already heavily indoctrinated and warped by Cerberus. The only positive to come out of the facility, aside from the deaths of Cain and Lawson, was the valuable data and tech they'd found.

_Cain_.

Shepard sighed and glanced down at her hands. She still wasn't sure how she felt about Cain's death. Mostly happy, she supposed, but something inside of her was aching. A small, sick part of her that had been holding out for his approval - even after all these years. She hadn't let herself think about the pain yet, and she wasn't sure that she wanted to. Some wounds were best left to heal before you started picking at them.

With difficulty, she turned her attention back to Miranda.

"Ori may not be indoctrinated, but she won't be the same again. The things she saw, Shepard, my God. There isn't any coming back from that." Her voice throbbed with anger, and she clenched a delicate hand into a fist. "And that bastard Cain broke her arm - her joint is shattered. Chakwas says she can heal it but ..."

"Miranda," Shepard interrupted her calmly. "Oriana will be fine. She's strong - like _you_."

The ex-Cerberus agent let out a shaky breath and nodded. "You're right."

Shepard rubbed her eye; Miranda was lucky to be alive. As well as a deep stab wound in her side - care of Kai Leng's sword - she'd taken a bullet through her shoulder. It hadn't hit anything major, but blood loss and shock had almost taken her life. Kaidan had managed to save her, but it had been a close call.

_Too close; if I hadn't gone with Cain and bought Kaidan time to help her, Miranda would be dead._

It wasn't a cheery thought, especially since Shepard wasn't entirely sure that her decision to go with Cain had been her own choice. It wasn't like her to give into her enemies so easily! Hell, she'd let Cain _shoot_ James rather than give into his demands, but she'd gone along with them because of one girl? Loathe as she was to admit it, Shepard felt more and more certain that Leviathan had somehow influenced that decision.

"Shepard?" Miranda reached out a hand and gently touched her arm, almost as though she could read her thoughts. "Are you okay? What you said about Leviathan ..."

"I'm fine." She flashed a quick smile. "Javik and Liara are both meeting with me later to take a look around inside my head."

The brunette shuddered. "Jesus! I can't imagine letting someone inside of my head."

Shepard nodded; she wasn't keen on it herself. But Hackett and Chakwas were both concerned about indoctrination. Even James seemed worried.

"I do have one piece of good news." Miranda managed a sly smile. "I planted a tracker on Kai Leng."

"You what?" Shepard laughed and sat forward. "That's the best news I've heard all day."

"I thought that might make you smile." She looked pleased, and her blue eyes sparkled. "The data feed is on my personal terminal. I'll forward it to your communications specialist, and they can track him down and find him."

"Fuck yes!"

Miranda actually unbent enough to grin. "And hopefully he'll lead you to the Illusive Man and you can get your data back."

"Miranda, you're brilliant." Shepard leaned forward and clasped her good shoulder. "Send the data and I'll get Traynor straight on it."

"Of course." She looked drained, but pleased, and she caught Shepard's hand as she went to rise. "Just be careful okay? Whatever happens with this indoctrination thing, or with Kai Leng, be careful. You're too important for us to lose."

"Us?" she queried.

"The galaxy, Shepard. We need you."

She smiled at Miranda and ignored the strange creeping sense of anxiety that spread through her. "Thanks …"

" _Commander? Admiral Hackett is asking to speak to you via vidcom."_

Traynor's voice over the intercom interrupted her, and Shepard glanced up at the speaker in irritation. "Thanks Traynor.

"They're playing your song, huh?" Miranda let go of her hand and winked. "Remember what I said, Shepard. Be careful."

_If I'm not already indoctrinated._

"I will."

She turned and left the medbay, making her way quickly to the communications room where she found James and Kaidan waiting for her. _Had Hackett asked them both to report?_ Both men had solemn looks on her faces, and James gave his head a small shake as he caught her eye. _Shit. Something bad was up._ Shepard drew in a deep breath and turned to face the hologram of Hackett.

Whatever he had to say to her wasn't going to be good, she surmised.

"Admiral." Shepard nodded, bypassing the usual formalities of rank. "What's the damage?"

Hackett's eyes narrowed and he frowned slightly. "This isn't a time for jokes, Commander. What happened down there on Sanctuary puts our entire plan in jeopardy."

"Yes, Sir." She nodded and dropped all pretence of light heartedness as she came to attention.

"At ease." The Admiral cleared his throat and looked uncomfortable. "Shepard, there's no easy way to say this, but since neither Major Alenko nor Lieutenant Vega can confirm what happened to you once you left their sight, we don't know what Cerberus may have done to you …"

"You think Cerberus indoctrinated me?" she broke in, bristling unhappily. "I told you what happened!"

Hackett ignored her outburst. "Yes, _you_ told us. And _I_ don't doubt you, Commander. But I also can't overlook the possibility of indoctrination in one of our most strategically important officers." He gave her a hard look. "I'll say it again; I believe you when you say that Lawson didn't get a chance to indoctrinate you, but what you said about Leviathan is troubling. They're supposed to be on our side."

She frowned. "I know, but I'm fine. I'm not indoc…"

"Lieutenant Vega says that even before you reached Sanctuary you'd been having troubling dreams." The Admiral interrupted her again, far more patient with her than he should have ben. "And you know as well as I do that bad dreams are one of the side effects of early indoctrination."

Shepard resisted the urge to glare at James. It wasn't his fault; he'd only told the truth. She sighed and rubbed the palm of her hand against her eye. "I know, Admiral, but I'm still me. I don't know what _they_ did, but it wasn't indoctrination. Liara and Javik are going to find out …"

"As are we. Commander, as of this moment I'm ordering you to temporarily stand down and turn command of the Normandy over to Major Alenko. You're to return to the Citadel where you'll be tested for possible indoctrination. While this is being done the Normandy will undergo some urgent retrofitting and maintenance in dry dock." Hackett cleared his throat. "This isn't permanent. It's just until we can verify that you're not under any form of indoctrination, and since the Normandy was slated to be brought in anyway …"

"This is bullshit!" Shepard broke in angrily. She slammed her hand against the QEC controls and her biotics flared with rage. "There's _nothing_ wrong with me!"

"Comander." James put a hand on her arm and she angrily shook him off.

She glared at Hackett as the unfairness of the situation ate away at her. "I'm _not_ indoctrinated!"

Hackett surveyed her calmly. It wasn't the first time he'd witnessed her temper, and he waited several moments before he spoke. "I believe you, Commander. But we have to take precautions. As I was saying, the Normandy was scheduled for repairs, maintenance and retrofitting anyway. David Anderson has offered you his apartment while you're on the Citadel. Just think of it as extended shore leave."

Rennah shook her head, rejecting everything he said. "Admiral, Miranda put a tracker on Kai Leng! This means we can finally find the Illusive Man's base and …"

"This isn't optional, Commander. You either follow orders and stand down, or I'll have you thrown in the brig." Hackett rapped his orders out angrily, his tone leaving no room for argument. "As for Kai Leng and the Illusive Man's base of operations, it will take time to mass a fleet big enough to take him down." He paused for a moment and then sighed. "I know it's not what you want to hear, but you need to follow orders, Shepard. Do this for me, and I'll make sure your team is on point when we go after the Illusive Man."

Shepard drew in a breath, almost unable to concentrate with the sense of betrayal running through her. Somehow she managed to speak. "Fine."

Hackett kept talking, but she only listened halfheartedly as he mentioned a pardon for Miranda, and plans to send in a team in to destroy Sanctuary. She didn't care. A tightness filled her chest, and the longer Hackett spoke the harder it was to breathe. When he signed off she whirled and left, ignoring Kaidan and James as they both called to her to wait.

She didn't want to listen to them – _either of them_.

The logical part of her knew she was upset, and that she was being overemotional, but it hurt too damned much for her to push the feelings away. The Normandy was _her_ ship, and this was _her_ crew, and they were being taken away because _people_ thought she might be indoctrinated _. It was bullshit_. Whatever leviathan had done to her, it wasn't indoctrination; that much she _was_ sure of.

_It's not fair!_

"Shepard!" James caught up with her at the war room, and before she could say anything, he caught her arm and pulled her into the small partitioned room with the war table. "God dammit! Don't you walk away from me like this!"

He was furious.

So was she.

"I don't want to do this here." She snapped at him, and pulled her arm out of his grasp. "I'm too angry right now. If you want to talk to me, you can come and talk to me later. I just can't do this right now."

_It's not fair!_

Anger vibrated so strongly from him that it was almost a physical force, but she shoved the small part of her that empathised with him aside. Kaidan appeared in the door way and joined them, a slight frown between his eyes as he took in her agitated body language.

"Shepard, I …" he started to explain, his palms up as though expecting her to attack him.

"Major, the Normandy is yours. Inform the crew and get us to the Citadel." She didn't look either of them in the eye as she brushed passed Kaidan and continued on the way to the elevator.

_It's not fair!_

As she walked, she could feel James following her - the tingle along her spine that she always felt at his presence enough to alert her. She ignored him. The tightness in her chest was building again, and to her horror Rennah felt tears burning the back of her eyes. _Great_. On top of everything else she was going to bawl like a little girl. _Brilliant_.

When she reached the elevator she slammed her hand against the button and stepped inside as soon as the doors opened. James joined her in the small space, but she turned her back on him and hit the button for her room. She closed her eyes, drew in a deep breath, and willed the tears in her eyes to go away.

_I will not cry._

Shepard drew in several more deep breaths, and by the time the elevator arrived at the top floor she felt more in control of herself. She opened her eyes, and without so much as a glance in James' direction, she walked out the lift. She was grateful that he'd given her time to get herself together in the elevator, but the fact that he'd followed her after she'd asked him for space annoyed her.

"Lola," his voice was quiet as he followed her into her cabin. "Talk to me." Shepard tried to ignore him, but James stepped up behind her and settled his hands on her shoulders. Slowly, he turned her around to face him. "I know you're angry …"

Instantly, her rage rose up again. "You don't know how I'm feeling! Now let go of me."

"Lola, just stop." He ignored her and kept his hands lightly on her shoulders. "No one thinks you're indoctrinated. Hackett made it clear that it's just a precaution."

_Yeah right._

"I want to be left alone." She shrugged him off and stepped away, too angry to risk looking at him. "Why can't you understand that?"

"Because you're angry and upset, and I don't want to leave you like this! Fuck, Lola, do you think I'm not pissed off too? Of course I am." He sounded angry, but this time he had the good sense not to try and touch her. "Kaidan and I tried to talk Hackett out of it ..."

"Traynor?" She ignored James and walked away, staring stoically at her fish tank as she talked over the top of him.

James broke off with a sigh as Traynor's lilting voice came over the Normandy's comm.

_"Yes. ma'am?"_

"Send Liara and Javik up to see me."

_"Right away."_

She turned back around and finally looked at James; his features were strained, and his eyes were muddy with stress. Shepard sighed, and some of her anger receded at the fear and hurt in his expression. It was hard to stay angry when James looked terrified of what she was going to do.

"Lola?" He held out a hand, and the pleading tone in his voice almost broke her heart. "Please, just talk to me."

Shepard groaned and rubbed a hand across her face as she nodded and went to him. Under all of her anger was hurt, and it rose up sharply as she sank into his arms. She let her head rest on his chest, and listened to his heartbeat.

"I'm not mad at you."

His arms tightened around her and he dropped a kiss on her forehead. "But you're upset."

"Of course I'm upset." She sighed and pulled back, ignoring the outraged voice inside of her that wanted to rage and scream about how unfair this was. "The upper brass are worried that I'm indoctrinated and I'm going to ruin their plans. How could I not be upset, Jimmy?"

"I know, love. It's not fair."

"The thing is," she confessed unhappily. "I can't even blame them. I _don't_ know what Leviathan did to me. I _don't_ know why I went with Cain and Lawson when they took Oriana hostage, because looking back at the situation, I _wouldn't_ have done it. I'd probably have let them kill her rather than give myself up. But at the time it seemed like a good idea, and I don't know why."

James cupped the side of her face, tracing the line of her jaw. "You think Leviathan made you do it?"

Shepard shrugged. "I don't think it made me, but I think it might have manipulated me. All I could think about at the time was that you'd be upset if I let an innocent person get killed." James made a sound, and she waved him off. "It wasn't just that. I was convinced that if I got them alone, I'd be able to take them. I have no idea why, I just knew I could. I was confidant."

"Jesus, Lola." He looked terrified. "Why would Leviathan mess with you like that?"

"It wanted them dead." She stepped away from him and spread her hands wide. "And it seemed to think I was their best chance of that happening."

James looked like he wanted to say more, but the door opened and he retreated to the couch as Liara and Javik came in. Liara wore a look of purpose in her eyes, while Javik looked as surly as ever. The prothean stalked across the room and looked at her, all of his eyes flicking across her features as he scowled.

"Is it true? Kaidan is the acting CO?" Liara asked, a frown marring her otherwise beautiful features.

Shepard nodded. "It is, but it's only temporary. Just until we can work out what Leviathan did to me." She looked at Javik. "Which is why I've asked you here."

"The asari says this Leviathan created the reapers?" Javik asked. When Shepard nodded he held out a hand. "Then I will help you. But I do not do this lightly, Commander. I may see more than you wish me to see."

Shepard took a deep breath and nodded as she reached out and took his hand. "I just need to know if I'm indoctrinated.'

"That much I can do," he told her. Shepard felt a prickling sensation rush across her skin as the prothean _read_ her, his feelings and memories merging momentarily with hers. She had a few flashes of Javik's life, of fighting the reapers and of his determination to preserve the Empire, but mostly she was passive as she felt him move within her. It wasn't as invasive as she knew letting Liara into her mind would be. Instead, it was gentle and refined, and after a few moments he let her go and stepped back. "You are _not_ indoctrinated. The barrier than the beacon gave you is mostly intact."

"Wait." Liara frowned and moved closer. "What barrier?"

Javik looked surprised, although Shepard was almost certain it was feigned. "The prothean beacon you found on Eden Prime contained a barrier program intended to shield against the reaper's indoctrination. Our scientists discovered the method too late to save most of my people, but some of us were about to be treated. Myself included."

"Are you saying I'm immune to indoctrination?" Shepard wanted to grab Javik's chest armour and shake him until he answered.

Thankfully, she didn't have to wait for long, though the answer wasn't what she expected. He made a wriggly so-so hand gesture that was so human Shepard almost laughed. "You told me that the beacon you found was damaged, so there is no telling how well the barrier took. And I cannot say whether it will help shield you against indoctrination from these leviathans or the traitorous Cerberus scum. But," He actually smiled. "You are _not_ indoctrinated so far as I can tell."

"You're damned right I'm not." She nodded her thanks at the Prothean and some of her fear fell away. "Thank you, Javik."

"You are welcome, Commander." He moved back but did not leave the room. "I would like to stay and watch your Liara asari enter your mind, if I may? In our cycle the asari were only starting to develop these powers."

Shepard nodded and he joined James on the couch, his face blank as he watched them. She turned her attention back to Liara, and her skin crawled unpleasantly as her friend moved closer. The last time they'd done this, Liara had gone too deep and had seen _all_ of Shepard's memories – even those she had tried to hide from herself. The sensation of letting the asari inside her mind had been horrific. Almost painful, and deeply intrusive.

Nervous was a mild word for how she felt.

"Shepard? Are you ready?" Liara looked into her face, searching for a sign that Shepard wanted to back out.

"I'm ready." She drew in a shaky breath and smiled nervously as Liara raised a brow. "I am, really."

"You're a terrible liar." Liara chuckled gently. "Just relax. Breathe in and out. Tell me when you're ready."

The asari took her hands, her skin soft and warm, and Shepard nodded and tried to do as she said. Her hands and arms began to tingle as Liara's biotics flowed through her body in a soothing wave, and she let her eye close and tried to relax and open her mind. She wasn't aware of how much time passed, but eventually she felt herself relax; her muscles unknotted and the fear she felt about joining faded.

_There was nothing to worry about; Liara would not hurt her._

"I'm ready." She opened her eye and was surprised to find the asari's gaze trained on her; her beautiful blue orbs completely filled with an endless black void that sparkled like a starry night.

"Good." Liara stepped forward, her arms sliding around Shepard's waist as she pulled her close. "Embrace Eternity."

Shepard _fell_ into the starry void in Liara's eyes; it was the only way she had of describing it. She was aware of her body, and of her biotics pulsing at the touch of Liara's mind, but it was distant, secondary to the endless void that _pulled_ her in. She felt Liara push into her mind, gentle but firm, and suddenly the asari was _there_ of her. Shepard could see her perfectly as their memories flowed together like two rivers.

_**Don't be afraid Shepard.** _

_I'm not,_ she lied.

Liara sifted through her mind with practised ease, moving from memory to memory, searching through everything that had happened to her since Cerberus brought her back. Without meaning to, Rennah tried to pull away, to resist her as she delved deeper into those horrible memories. But Liara was stronger, and she held Shepard's mind still.

_**I must see it all, Shepard. Please do not resist.** _

Her friend's voice drifted through her mind, and Shepard forced herself to stop fighting as Liara again sank into those painful memories. She relived waking up in the Cerberus labs, her fight against the collectors, her anguish at Kaidan's rejection on Horizon, and the destruction of the Alpha Relay. Liara hesitated on these memories, studying how Shepard felt when she woke up after being unconscious and exposed to reaper tech for so long.

_**Javik is right, you are fine. You should have been indoctrinated, but something in your mind protected you. It must be the barrier. Remarkable.** _

_I'm not sure it's remarkable, but it's useful to know,_ Shepard retorted, amused by Liara's fascination for the prothean. She caught a flash of emotion from Liara, of longing and lust, and with surprise she realised that Liara was attracted to Javik.

She almost laughed.

_**Be quiet, Shepard.** _

Liara's voice was embarrassed, blushing, and Shepard's amusement grew. The asari moved on, flowing faster and faster through memories of her incarceration on Earth, of meeting James, of the reaper's attack. Faster and faster, until she touched on the first meeting with Leviathan, and then the second time in Sanctuary. Finally, she felt Liara draw back, and she saw her in her mind; standing before her.

_**You are not indoctrinated, Shepard. But there is something inside of you. Some kind of link to Leviathan. They used it to whisper to you on Sanctuary; to convince you to save Oriana, and they used it to convince you to kill Cain and Lawson. But, they didn't force you. They used feelings you already had in order to persuade you, like your fear of James' rejection and your hatred for Cerberus.** _

_But I'm not indoctrinated?_

_**No.** _

Liara started to retreat, to pull back from her mind, and Shepard reached out and stopped her. _Wait. There's something I need you to do for me. Something I need to show you in case the worst happens and I don't make it through this._

Liara hesitated, and Shepard felt her curiosity.

_**Of course, Shepard.** _

Rennah nodded, and took Liara's hand as she guided her to the memories which were more precious than any other. They were warm and comforting; filled with laughter and love. Precious memories. Her favourite memories. By the time she was done, Liara had tears rolling down her cheeks, and as she drew back from her mind, Shepard realised that both of them _were_ crying as they stood holding each other.

Javik was watching them with open curiosity, and James looked confused and concerned. Shepard pulled back and Liara let go of her with a small sound, both of them scrubbing at their cheeks as they wiped away tears.

"Are you two okay?" James stood up, fear sliding across his face at their sight of their tears. "You're not, I mean, you're not …?"

"No." Liara shook her head and looked across at James, tears shining in her eyes as she smiled at him. "Shepard's fine. She's not indoctrinated at all." The asari sniffed and hastily wiped at her eyes as another tear slid down her face. "It was just a very intense joining."

Javik made a sound of disgust and stood up. "You asari and your _emotions_." He started for the door and then paused to turn and look at them. "Although, if you wish to know more about the barrier against indoctrination, you may come and see me, asari."

He left, and the door swished closed behind him.

Liara looked from Shepard to James and quickly backed up. "I should leave you two. Thank you Shepard, for sharing that." She quickly followed Javik, almost running to catch up with him.

"Okay, that was weird." James frowned and moved to stand next to Shepard.

She grinned, giddy with relief that she _wasn't_ about to become an indoctrinated husk. "Nah, she just likes him."

He smiled and shook his head, then turned to face her, his hands circling around her waist. "What the happened? Did she find out what Leviathan was doing? Liara seemed a little upset, so I assumed …."

He didn't finish. He didn't have to; they both knew what he'd assumed.

Shepard sank against James, mentally and physically exhausted. "Leviathan can talk to me, but that's all. I'm totally free of indoctrination."

"Well, that's good." James held her close and Rennah sighed happily, content to rest her head on his chest and listen to the steady beat of his heart. "Now you just need to convince the damned Alliance," he added as he began to walk them towards her bed.

"Well, with the Normandy in dry dock for a while, I'll have plenty of time to do that." She let him guide her across the room, and was so wiped out that she only managed to take off her BDU jacket before she flopped backwards onto the bed, her eyelids heavy with exhaustion. "Besides, Hackett's right. If we do managed to track Leng back to his home base, it'll take time to get enough ships and troops to take down the Illusive Man."

James pulled off her boots and his own, and then crawled onto the bed beside her, cuddling her against his muscular frame. "Did I just hear Commander Shepard agree that being forced to take time off is a good thing? Are you sure you're not indoctrinated?"

Shepard could hear the smile in his voice, but she was too sleepy to open her eyes. "Shuddup. Just be happy that I'm not indoctrinated."

"I am, believe me." It was hard to tell, but as she drifting off, she thought she heard James murmur, "Though I'd love you anyway, Lola."

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**A/N – Citadel DLC chapters coming up! Huzzah! I shall also be writing a Kaidan/Jack spinoff one shot quite soon. Thanks for reading, and as always, I'd love to know what you thought! Thank you!**


	59. Love Me Again

_A/N – I don't own Mass Effect_

**A/N – Thank you, as always, to the people who are reading along and to those of you who leave me reviews. They make my day! This is the start of the Citadel DLC, and hopefully it's going to be silly and fluffy and a lot of fun. Enjoy, and thank you for sticking with this fic for so long!**

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_How much longer is this going to take?_

James paced back and forth in Huerta's waiting room, ignoring the frustrated looks being thrown at him by nurses and patients alike. It was all well and good for Liara and Javik to confirm that Shepard wasn't indoctrinated, it was another to wait around while strange doctors from the Alliance rifled through her head. What if they found something the others missed? What if she _was_ indoctrinated? What if this link Leviathan had with her mind was stronger than the others thought, or had some darker purpose behind it?

Each thought that crossed his mind was worse than the one before it, and James whirled to a stop and glanced out the plate glass window at the Citadel below. He rolled his shoulders and tried to dislodge some of the tension that had built up while he waited, but it didn't do much good. Loathe as he was to admit it, he was scared for Shepard. Indoctrination was one of her greatest fears. He knew she dreaded losing control of her life to anyone, but losing it to the very creatures she'd been fighting against for so long was something she truly dreaded.

He sighed and rubbed a hand across his forehead; _Shepard would be fine_. Javik knew the smell of indoctrination better than any of them, and Liara had been inside Shepard's head previously, so she knew what was normal and what wasn't. Of course, he hadn't been thrilled to see Liara start crying while joined with Shepard, or the way she'd stared at him afterwards with glistening doe eyes before bolting from the room. He hated to think what might have made the asari cry, but he respected that neither of them wanted to share it with him.

It was personal.

A message pinged on his omni-tool and he opened it up. It was from Kaidan, asking if Shepard was out of the appointment or if there had been any news. James replied in the negative, and then started pacing again. He _wished_ he had news. Anything would be better than this endless waiting. She'd been in there for hours now - what could be taking so long? A psych assessment took time, he knew, but this seemed like overkill.

_They want to be sure that she's fine, and that the Hero of the Citadel isn't about to turn around and join forces with the reapers._

James pushed the thought aside; he understood the decision to stand Shepard down until they could verify that she wasn't indoctrinated. Hell, he agreed with it completely, but the look on her face when Hackett broke the news had hit him harder than he'd expected. Shepard had looked shattered. Worse - she'd looked betrayed. The fury emanating from her had been hard to take, and for a few moments when he'd tried to calm her down, he'd thought she was going to hit him. And he would have let her, because part of him felt like he deserved it.

Shepard had worked hard her whole life; fought through odds which would have broken lesser men, and just when she thought she had a chance of taking down her enemies, the Alliance stripped her of her ship and took her crew. And he'd helped. Guilt ate at him, and James crossed his arms defensively. He'd had no choice but to volunteer the information about her dreams - if he hadn't then Chakwas would have. And he wanted to make sure she was safe and well. If she had been indoctrinated, well, he wasn't sure what he'd have done.

But he'd have wanted to know.

Down on Horizon she hadn't been herself and her behaviour had thrown him, but it wasn't until he woke up disorientated and bleeding that he'd realised how bad things were. He'd _never_ forget waking up to Kaidan telling him that Shepard had handed herself over to Cain. He'd moved like never before; the need to find her pumping through his veins in time to his heartbeat. _Dios_ , he still wasn't sure how he'd known where she was, but somehow he'd taken all the right turns and all the right doors to find her.

Shooting that bastard Cain in the head had felt good, but it didn't come close to making up for the terror he'd felt when he thought he'd lost her.

" ... again, thank you very much for coming in Miss Shepard." The door the psych wing opened and a young asari maiden held it ajar as Shepard stomped through, her expression tight and unhappy.

"It's Ms, actually," she snapped and stormed up to James. "Come on, I'm free to go and I need to get out of this place ASAP."

"Sure thing, Commander." He nodded and followed her out of the waiting room. "So, all good?"

She snorted. "Some signs of PTSD, no surprise there, and they picked up on the Leviathan's ability to communicate with me mind to mind. But they're giving me a clean bill of health so long as I check in with Chakwas for regular counseling."

"So you're fine?" he asked again as they reached the elevator and stepped in. "You'll get the Normandy back?"

"They still need to forward their report to Hackett, but yeah, I'm fine, and yeah, I'll get the Normandy back."

Relief washed over him and as the doors slid closed and took her hand and squeezed it tightly. It was a small gesture, far too small for the emotions swimming inside of him, but in public it was all they could risk. She glanced at him and, though there were lines of tension around her eyes, she smiled.

James let go of her hand and crossed his arms over his chest, lounging against the wall of the elevator as it carried them up to the Presidium. "So, are we still checking out Anderson's apartment?"

Her small smile widened into a grin and she leaned next to him. "Hell yeah. I remember how excited he was when he bought it. It's one of those luxurious apartments on the Silversun Strip - huge, roomy, and with no expense spared. If he offers to us stay there while we wait for the Normandy to be overhauled, I won't say no."

"I didn't take you for the kind of girl to be blinded by luxury." James raised his eyebrows at her, half-teasing.

Shepard just smirked as the doors opened. "It has a hot tub."

"Oh." James blinked as an image of Shepard sliding into the warm water in a bikini flashed through his mind. He could see it now; steam wafting through the air while he held her close, his hands tracing her curves as water beaded on her pale skin. The effect on his body was instantaneous, and he closed his mouth before he could start drooling.

She smirked at him over her shoulder. "I wonder if you're thinking what I'm thinking."

"I hope so," he murmured honestly.

Shepard laughed.

They walked to the sky cabs, a line of which were waiting for customers, and hopped in the back of one together. Shepard automatically leaned against him once the door was closed, and James slid an arm about her shoulders, sighing happily as she snuggled close. _They needed more downtime together_ , he decided. More time where they could relax without wondering when the next bullet was going to come flying at them.

James looked out the window and watched the bright lights of the Citadel roll past in a flickering blur. The last time they'd been in a sky car like this had been after a visit Purgatory, months ago, when they'd still been flirting. It felt like a whole other lifetime. Maybe because he'd been so close to Rennah for six months on Earth, or because they felt so right together, but it felt like they'd been together for a lot longer. He couldn't imagine his life without her.

The journey passed quickly, and the sky cab pulled up at the top of the Silversun Strip before he knew it. The bright lights, pumping music and roar of noise was enough to get his blood up, but one look at Shepard's face and he knew they were probably going to be having a quiet night in. Not that he could blame her after having a parade of people poking their noses through her head, but it had been a while since he'd hit the Casino or gone a few rounds in the Arena.

Shepard tugged on his arm and nodded at an expensive looking building. "C'mon, Jimmy. It's this way."

The foyer she led him through was every bit as plush and decadent as the outside looked, and James glanced around with interest as they wandered through. The receptionist threw them a polite interested stare, but looked away with a curled lip as soon as her eyes fell on Shepard. James grinned, evidently the receptionist had met Rennah on another occasion.

"So, you been here before, Lola?" he asked as they waited for the elevator. "I feel like I'm going to get thrown out for wearing the wrong clothes."

She grinned. "I've been here _once_ before, and almost did get thrown out for violating the dress code."

"You're shitting me!" His voice rang out, far louder than he intended, and he cringed as the frowny receptionist glared at them. "I mean, you're lying, right?"

"Not at all. It was the first and last time ol' Smiley tried to tangle with me."

"Smiley?" He glanced at the receptionist and grinned. "She actually tried to take you on?"

The elevator arrived and they stepped in. Shepard pressed the button for the penthouse and glanced at him. "Oh she tried, and failed. She's lucky David managed to break us up or I would have Thrown her flat on her ass for being so rude."

He chuckled, and when the elevator doors opened again, he followed her out. Shepard led him down a short foyer and into one of the biggest apartments James had ever seen. For a moment he just stood there, and slowly inched his way inside, convinced this had to be some kind of a joke.

_This was Anderson's apartment?!_

"Holy mother fucking shit." He muttered as his eyes roved from one corner to another. "He's letting you stay here?"

Shepard shrugged and moved to the vidcom. "We'll soon see. I'm supposed to contact him when I arrive. I guess he's in a secure location for a change."

"Must be."

She set about contacting Anderson, and James moved over to the plate glass windows to give her some space. He rested one hand on the polished piano and looked out on a view which made him both nervous and excited. He could see the Silver Coast Casino opposite them, and the view looked out on one of the dance floors, where crowds of people were dancing, drinking and generally acting as though the universe wasn't falling down around them. It was a good view to be sure, but there was a lot of it, and tactically he wondered if this was the safest place for Shepard to be, especially given Cerberus' dogged determination to catch her.

Sanctuary had been too close.

"Shepard, good to see you." Anderson's booming voice had James snapping back to attention, and he whirled around as the admiral flashed up on the vidscreen. "I was beginning to think Hackett was going to have to relieve you of command to get the Normandy into dry dock."

James went rigid at that comment, and he waited for Shepard to explode.

She didn't.

"Not funny, David. Not funny at all." Rennah actually grinned. "Your sense of humour is getting as old as you are."

Anderson tutted and shook his head. "Low blow, Shepard; picking on an old man because of his age."

"C'mon, now, don't go playing the poor me card. If you can dish it out, you can take it." Shepard paced a little bit and paused, then abruptly whirled and faced the screen. "Look, I just wanted to say thanks for letting us stay here …"

"Stay there?" Anderson interrupted her and cocked his head to the side. "Shepard, when I said I was giving you the apartment, I meant I was _giving_ it to you. It's yours"

She frowned and glanced at James quickly. "David, you can't. This is _your_ place …"

"I can do what I like." He waved her off. "Besides, things are bad down here on Earth." He paused and James moved closer, so he could see the serious look on the admiral's face. "Real bad. To be honest, if we make it through this, I'm not going to be going anywhere. Earth is going to need all the help it can to recover."

"Yeah, but you can't just _give_ me your apartment. I know how much this place cost you, remember?"

He shrugged, and gave Rennah a look which James could only describe as fatherly. "Think of it as a gift. It's the least I can do after all the years you've had my back and helped humanity."

She shook her head. "I can't …"

"Don't argue with an old man, Shepard." He raised his eyebrows. "Enjoy the here and now, or I'll pull rank and _order_ you to."

Finally, Rennah sighed and her shoulder dropped in defeat. "Fine."

"Good." Anderson straightened and James almost jumped when he added. "And say hello to Lieutenant Vega for me. Hackett tells me that he made him N7, _and_ that the two of you seem to be getting along better than ever. So I'm guessing he's there, lurking."

Rennah rolled her eyes. "You two gossip like a pair of old ladies."

"I notice you're not denying he's there." The admiral grinned at the expression on her face. "Okay, okay. I'll let it go. But can you blame me for being, unofficially of course, happy for you?"

She was quiet for a second and then sighed. "I can't blame you at all. Thanks."

"Take care of yourself, Shepard."

"You too, David. Stay alive." There was a note in her voice which made James' heart ache, and he wondered if Anderson knew how much he meant to her.

"I intend to." Anderson nodded to her, and then the communication ended.

Shepard drew in a deep breath and moved to James, and with a small sound she engulfed him in a crushing hug. It was the kind of hug you give someone when you're on the verge of breaking and don't want them to know, and James wrapped his arms around her while she fought for control. She hated crying, he _knew_ she hated crying, but more and more often lately she'd been brought to tears by the situations she found herself in.

"You okay, Lola?" He carefully tipped her face up.

She nodded, and though she looked a little emotional, she wasn't crying. "Yeah, I've just got given a free apartment. Why wouldn't I be okay?"

He searched her gaze for a moment, wishing her could read her mind, but in the end he nodded and traced a gentle hand down her cheek. "Exactly." He looked around. "You know, this is the perfect place for a party."

Shepard laughed and drew back. "What? Let you apes have the run of the place and watch as my nice new apartment gets all messed up?"

"Aaaw, come on now, Lola. We wouldn't trash the place!' He flashed her a hurt look as she took his hand and pulled him with her.

"Sure." Shepard rolled her eye. "Come on, I'll show you around."

They explored the apartment room by room. The lounge room and bar were interesting enough, although both of them agreed that the furnishings were probably not what they'd have chosen. The fireplace was a nice, if impractical addition, and James could imagine them snuggling down beside it with a couple of beers.

The kitchen was far more to his taste, though from Shepard's expression she was obviously less excited about it. He could remember someone, Joker probably, joking about how badly she cooked, and he grinned as she glanced about without enthusiasm. She'd never struck him as the kind of woman who spent much time in the kitchen, and knowing what he did of her past, he couldn't imagine she'd had much of a chance to cook either.

"This is nice, Lola," he told her as he caught her in his arms. "I can cook you something really tasty for dinner, or for lunch, or for breakfast. Maybe even a late night snack."

She chuckled throatily as he lowered his head and took her mouth in a searing kiss, her arms winding around his neck to hold him close. Her lips were warm and soft, and he felt her smile against him as he pressed smaller kisses to the side of her mouth and down the side of her face. He nibbled on her earlobe and she laughed and pushed him away breathlessly, her eye dancing.

"Well, if you insist on doing all the cooking." She grinned. "Who am I to argue?"

He let her go and glanced around. "So, is there more to this place?"

"Of course." She took his head and pointed towards the dining room. "Here you can see Anderson's terrible taste in paintings."

"Truly bad," he agreed as they walked past and she led him into a library full of what looked like row after row of genuine books. "Oh, hey now! This is nice; a library!"

"And office." She led him straight out again and he followed her up a set of stairs. "Up here we have the master bedroom."

James could help but spin her around as soon as they crossed the threshold, and he swept her into his arms dramatically. "Now this I like." He carried her across the room, glancing inside the wardrobe and pausing near the bed. "It's spacious and roomy, but has that nice intimate feeling."

"You're cute." Rennah grinned and with a nod, she indicated the bathroom. "But the best stuff is in there."

"Oh really?" He wiggled his eyebrows and carried her to the bathroom where he set her down. "We-ell, this is nice."

The bathroom was huge, spacious by any standard, let alone a bathroom on a place like the Citadel. It had a big shower that was large enough to fit four or more people, a massive vanity which was covered in all manner of bath products, some of which looked to be decidedly feminine. And of course, there was a huge hot tub. It took up a good half of the room, and looked big enough to fit a good number of people in it.

"See?" Shepard bent down and skimmed a hand over the top of the water. "I told you it had a hot tub."

"Yes, you did." He reached down and scooped her into his arms again, then carried her back to the bedroom. He was about to drop her on the bed, when a loud irritating chirping filled the room. "What the hell is that?"

She groaned. "That's the message system. I should get it, in case it's important."

"More important than me?" He asked as he set her down, and ducked out of her way as she playfully slugged him on the arm.

"It could be Hackett," she explained, and made her way to the nearest phone. "Though why he wouldn't just ping my 'tool …"

She hit the play button and a rambling message from Joker played out. James tried not to listen in, but he heard Joker mention dinner at a sushi restaurant and urgently needing to talk to her about the Normandy. The pilot sounded like his usual dour self, as though everything were a big sarcastic joke, but it did sound important.

He glanced at Shepard as the message ended. "You making dinner dates without me now?"

"Hardly. I wonder what he wants." She looked thoughtful and James shrugged.

"Well, whatever it is, it has to be important if it's about the Normandy, right? I mean, Joker wouldn't be calling you up and leaving you messages for any other reason would he?"

Shepard pulled a face and shook her head. "They practically had to drag his ass out of the Normandy to do these upgrades and repairs. If Joker has to tell me something, it's going to be important."

She looked at him wistfully and sighed, so obviously disappointed that James grinned. "Ah, Lola. I love how cranky you look right now." He pulled her into his arms and dropped a kiss on her forehead as she grumbled about never getting any time alone with him. "Tell you what, you go see what Joker wants, and I'll help Cortez finish shifting some gear on the Normandy."

Shepard went up on tiptoes and kissed him, then pulled back enough to speak. "Okay, I'll go. Want me to message you when I'm done and we can meet back here? Maybe test out that hot tub?" She grinned at him devilishly.

"Sounds like a plan." He groaned as she pressed herself against him again, and kissed him a final time. "You're a temptress," he complained as she pulled away.

"I know." She vanished into the wardrobe. "I guess I better find a dress."

James left her to it, and took the stairs two at a time as he quickly made his way back out; if he saw Shepard in a dress, all his good intentions might go flying out the window. Sometimes, that woman was too hot for her own good.

And half the time, she didn't even know it.

* * *

**A/N – Hehe, this will be so much fun to do from James POV. I hope you're all enjoying it as much as I am so far! Reviews are much loved.**


	60. Wrecking Ball

_Disclaimer: I don't own Mass Effect_

**A/N – Thanks to everyone who is reading, and has followed and favourited this fic. And a huge thank you to the people who left me comments on the last chapter – it made my week!**

**I wanted to quickly do a shout out for two amazing Shega fics being written at the moment. Enjoy the Silence by TLCinbflo and No Regrets by Commander Zoe. Both fics are totally different, but are worth checking out, and are on my favourites list if you're interested. I love them.**

**Now, I hope you enjoy this chapter!**

* * *

The Normandy's docking bay yawned around James like a giant empty mouth. Towering stacks of cargo crates stretched up into the cavernous space like jagged, uneven teeth, and cast long pointed shadows across the floor. The familiar sound of the Normandy's engine was conspicuously absent and the echoing silence made the space seem even larger.

_Dry dock,_ James decided, _didn't agree with the Normandy; it made her seem dead and creepy._

"I never thought I'd miss that hum," James commented as he hefted a crate of Cerberus weapons they'd picked up from Sanctuary, and carried it to the lift platform. "This place is eerie without it."

Cortez nodded and marked off the crate number. "You don't need to tell me, Mister Vega. It's like the Normandy is dead when she's this silent. No noise, no engine, no people."

"But there are crews here, yeah?"

He'd seen the Alliance crews on his way down here. A bunch of them had been poking around the CIC, and even more of them had been on engineering level near the drive core. He didn't have a clue what they were doing, but they seemed to be keeping busy, and the Normandy _was_ looking a lot tidier with fewer cables and loose wires.

"'Course there are teams about, but it's not the same. They're strangers, and most of what they're doing is up in the drive core and in with EDI." Cortez shoved the crate to the far side of the life platform.

"EDI?" James straightened protectively. "They're not messing around with her are they?"

" _Of course not, Lieutenant Vega."_ He jumped as EDI's disembodied voice echoed down from the speaker in the ceiling. _"They are performing regular systems maintenance, as well as an upgrade of my backup systems."_

"Just so long as they're treating you right." Unsure of where to look, James glanced up at the ceiling and nodded. "You and the Normandy."

" _The upgrades to the ship are ..."_ EDI paused. " _Intriguing. As are the shielding additions to the drive and AI core."_

"Intriguing in a good way?" Cortez asked, pointing at the next crate for Vega to bring over to him.

James rolled his eyes at his friend and got back to work.

" _I believe the Alliance may be attempting to compensate for an EMP style weapon, possibly from the Crucible. Given that the reapers are synthetic this is a logical conclusion."_

"Well, that has to be a good thing, right?" James asked as he hefted another crate and carried it back.

" _One would assume so, Lieutenant. It's always best to know what your super powerful weapon does before you fire it and potentially wipe out the known universe."_ EDI sounded especially sarcastic as she bid them farewell and signed off.

"Was she making fun of me?" he asked.

Cortez only grinned at him. "Everyone makes fun of you Vega, you're too big of a target to miss."

James snorted. "Thanks buddy."

"Anytime."

He set the crate down and opened the lid. Inside was more Cerberus paraphernalia, and James' eyes were drawn to the phantom uniform sitting at the very top. Chills wriggled down his spine and he shivered. With a look of distaste, he picked up the mask and turned it over in his hands, wondering how Rennah felt whenever she saw these things. _This_ was what Cerberus wanted to make her into – one of these soulless monsters.

Esteban leaned over his shoulder to see what had caught his attention. "Ah, more Cerberus stuff. I think the Commander wanted us to leave this one, so put it over near the shuttle and I'll store it later."

"Why?" James dropped the Phantom mask back into the crate, and glanced at what else was in there. Uniforms, weapons and data files. "What would she want with this stuff?

Esteban shrugged. "I think her friend Miranda wanted some of it …"

EDI's voice interrupted them again, but this time she sounded worried. _"Sorry to interrupt, but I have an emergency transmission from Joker. Patching him through."_

A second chill went through James; _Joker was with Rennah at the restaurant_.

A burst of static came over the comm, followed by Joker's voice. _"Shit! Shepard's in trouble! Can you guys hear me?"_

The Normandy's pilot sounded out of breath and flustered, and all thoughts of EDI and the Normandy were driven out of James' head. What the hell could have happened at a fucking _sushi restaurant_ to have Joker contacting them in such a panic? In the background James could hear screams and the sound of men yelling, but nothing that sounded like Shepard's voice.

"We hear you, Joker. What happened?" He abandoned the crate and began to jog to the armoury. If Shepard was in trouble, it was doubtless going to involve bullets, and that meant he'd need his armour. Beside him, Cortez kept pace, a look of concern etched onto his features.

_"Ouch! Shit!"_ Joker cursed again. " _Some merc group attacked us at the restaurant. They shot up the place and were after Shepard, and …. Ouch! Watch it!"_

"Is she okay?" James asked again as he pulled his armour on. "What the fuck did she do to bring mercs down on her?"

_"I don't know. First this Alliance woman named Brooks showed up and told Shepard that she was in trouble, then the mercs started shooting up the place … and Shepard used me as bait! Bait!"_

James rolled his eyes; Joker was so dramatic. "EDI? Can you check the news feeds and social media for any reports on what happening at this restaurant?"

" _There are multiple reports of the floor being shot out, and a female figure falling several stories to the lower wards …"_

Esteban clapped him on the shoulder, interrupting EDI's flow of bad news as he handed him his assault rifle. "Come on, Vega. I'll fly you down."

"Thanks buddy, and thanks EDI. Joker, if you hear from Shepard tell her we'll be there shortly." James snagged some grenades and followed Cortez.

They boarded the shuttle and James set about trying to contact Shepard via her omni-tool. He paced on the troop deck, ignoring Cortez as he argued with Citadel Control about airspace clearance. This whole thing made no sense; why would some random mercenary group go after Shepard? Were they working for Cerberus? James frowned. That didn't seem likely. Maybe they were working for someone she'd crossed over the years? God knows the woman had a gift for pissing the wrong kind of people off!

_"James? That you?"_ Rennah's voice, heavy with distortion, broke through over his radio, and James almost sagged with relief.

"Yeah, it's me. Where are you? I'm inbound on a shuttle, but we can't get a fix on your position." He grabbed a handhold as Cortez sent the shuttle swooping down towards the Silversun Strip.

She panted slightly and he heard her fire off shots before she spoke again. _"I fell through the goddamned floor. I'm down on the lower wards in some kind of market place. Brooks says there is a car lot nearby if that helps …"_

"It helps." Cortez called from the front as he executed a quick turn mid-traffic, and sent then zooming down at a different angle.

James cursed as his stomach rolled, and he hung on tightly. "Who the fuck is Brooks?"

_"I'll explain later, but she's a friend."_ Shepard fired her weapon again and something exploded. _"These fucking drones!"_

"Hold tight, Lola. I'm on my way."

She laughed, and though it sounded shaky over the comm, James could hear her usual wry tone. _"Just follow the sounds of gunshots and explosions, Jimmy."_

Cortez set them down in a small courtyard that was barely big enough to fit the shuttle, and James paused before he jumped out. "Esteban, contact Alenko and Vakarian, and get them to rally the troops."

"Shall do. Now go save your fair lady, Mister Vega." Esteban saluted, and then waved him on his way.

"You bet I will."

Once free from the shuttle, James moved quickly from the courtyard and through a deserted marketplace. Shepard was close enough that he could see her position on his HUD and he headed in her direction, moving quietly and staying alert. The lower wards reminded him a nicer, cleaner Omega. It lacked the stench of poverty entrenched in Aria's empire, but it still felt decidedly less cared for than the upper wards.

Voices rang from an alleyway up ahead and James paused and pulled into cover. He activated his shields and scanned the area again. None of the mercs, if that was what they were, were showing up on his HUD. He crept closer to the alley and peered inside. Down the far end he could see two figures outfitted in heavy armour. The lights from their shielding packs shone brightly through the gloom, and James barely restrained a smirk as he realised they were facing the wrong way to see him coming.

"Unit Four has Shepard pinned down in the east quadrant of the marketplace, but she's putting up a fight. I thought this was supposed to be easy?" A rough gravelly voice reached his ears, and James paused with his finger on the trigger, listening closely as he continued. "An easy job with good pay, and a chance to kick the Alliance where it hurts."

"Just keep quiet and do your jobs." A tinny female voice came from their radios, so quiet that James could barely make it out. "You're not being paid to question your superiors, you're being paid to kill Shepard …"

James heard enough, and with gritted teeth he opened fire on the two men. His assault rifle kicked in his hands as he squeezed the trigger, the rattle of the gun as familiar as his own heartbeat. He fired a short burst at both men, and grinned as he hit his targets dead on. Neither man had time to turn around, let along raise their own weapons, as they slumped to the ground; riddled with bullets.

He continued down the alley, aware that his shots could have alerted more of the mercs, but silence greeted him as he reached the end of the alley. He checked to make sure he was clear, then checked the bodies and moved on. Shepard wasn't far ahead, maybe a block or two. He could smell smoke and hear gunshots and shouting now, and an occasional scream punctuated the night.

Whatever Shepard was doing, she was causing chaos.

He came across another small group of mercenaries and took them out with another burst of gun fire. They fell to the ground in a spray of blood, groaning, and Shepard limped out from cover. James almost did a double take; she looked awful. Her dress was torn, and an angry red slash that stretched across her abdomen was bleeding freely. Shepard looked battered and bruised, but as she focused on him and lowered her gun, she also looked utterly relieved.

James raised his eyebrows and slung his gun over his shoulder as he strolled towards her. "Looks like you're having a _bad_ day, Lola."

"Shut up, James. Just shut up," she grumbled as she limped past him barefoot, and pulled the thermal clips from the pockets of the dead men. "And no, I haven't had the best couple of hours."

He stifled a laugh and ran his eyes over her dress which he recognised from their last attempt at a date on the Citadel. "Nice dress."

Shepard glared at him and reloaded her gun. " _Really_? You're commenting on my outfit?"

"What? You look hot." He shrugged and passed her a grenade which she tucked into her bra. For a moment, she leaned with her elbows on her knees and drew in a deep breath, and James couldn't help but add, "So, how exactly did you manage to fall through the floor of the restaurant?"

She straightened and rolled her yes. "It was an aquarium floor, all right? It shattered and I fell."

"Good thing I don't like sushi." James laughed this time and tapped her on the shoulder. "You good to keep moving?"

"Yeah, I just needed to catch my breath." Shepard adjusted her eyepatch and nodded at him. "A C-Sec sky car is going to pick us up on the other side of the car lot. We just have to get there."

He returned her nod. "Sounds simple enough, let's go."

* * *

"That hurts." Shepard leaned against the bench in her kitchen while James slathered medi-gel onto the cut across her stomach.

"Stop wriggling so much." He held her still with one hand and finished applying it, trying to ignore the people scattered about the apartment, and especially trying to ignore the people arguing in the living room behind him.

Wrex was bickering loudly with EDI and Liara about the gun that Shepard had taken from a merc, while their new acquaintance, Staff Analyst Brooks, danced around them, interjecting with the occasional comment. It was annoyingly loud, and he could tell from Shepard's expression that she was every bit as irritated as he was. It was obvious that didn't like Brooks, but every attempt she'd made to encourage the woman to leave had been met with resistance.

"I still don't get–" Shepard broke off with a hiss as James straightened and gave her a gentle pat to let her know he was done. "Ouch. I still don't know why anyone would want to steal my identity."

Brooks whirled around and focused on Shepard like an excited puppy. "Oh, well, you're an important person and you've saved the galaxy, and sometimes these people just go after …"

"Whatever," James shushed her. "The point is, that some idiot wants to steal Lola's personal details and they've decided to involve mercenaries and heavy weapon fire. We need to find out who they are and make them pay."

Wrex nodded and thumped his chest. "Finally, someone who's speaking sense. Those mercs were well organised, well armed and made a damned good attempt to killing Shepard. If I hadn't saved the day-" Both Shepard and James rolled their eyes at this. "They might have succeeded. No offense, Shepard."

"None taken, Wrex." Shepard moved to join them in the living room, and James followed a step behind.

If he was totally upfront, Wrex probably _had_ saved their lives. The C-Sec shuttle they'd met in the car lot had been filled with mercenaries who had almost managed to shoot both of them. Only Wrex's intervention, if you could call throwing yourself out a window and onto a shuttle ' _intervention_ ', had saved them. The krogan had made mincemeat of the mercs; kicking some of them out the shuttle to their death, and beating others senseless.

James grinned at the memory.

"You know," Liara interrupted his happy recollections. "I think this gun is unique. If we can track it then maybe we can work out who is behind this." She held it out for Glyph to analyse. "Give me a few minutes and hopefully I'll have some leads for us. No one could be moving stock like this without me knowing about it."

Liara and Glyph moved off, and Brooks stared quizzically after them. "Why would she know about weapons smuggling? I thought Liara was an archaeologist?"

Shepard chuckled and took James' hand. "Liara has connections, we'll just leave it at that."

Brooks gaped after them as Rennah dragged James upstairs. He went willingly, desperate to get some time alone and avoid the people below, some he knew well and some he didn't. They were all extra guns at Shepard's back, and welcome, but he'd expected this shore leave to be just the two of them spending quality time alone.

Shepard pulled him into the bedroom, closed the door and then sagged against it with a heavy sigh. "Why does this keep happening?"

James smiled as she met his eyes, and shrugged. "You're a popular lady. Is it so surprising that some new nutcase is after you?"

"Yes, it is." She sighed wearily and pushed away from the door.

Shepard shed her black dress and flung it away, then balanced on one foot and then the other as she peeled off her ruined stockings. Under her dress, the bruises were already manifesting themselves on her body and James winced as she turned around and limped to the wardrobe. One side of her back was already swelling up and turning a purplish red colour.

"Slow down, Lola. You're going to need a little more medi-gel." He gently caught her arm and led her to the bed.

She groaned and gave him a pitiful look. "Not more of that stuff!"

"I'll be gentle." James chuckled as she gave him a skeptical look, then he and gestured to the bed again. "Lay down. You got some more medi-gel in here?"

"There's a first aid kit in the bathroom." Shepard dutifully climbed onto the bed and lay down, wincing and grumbling as she did so. "God, I feel like I took on a reaper. _Again_."

He found the medi-gel in her bathroom, and tore it open with his teeth, spitting the ragged tip of the packet on the floor as he squeezed a glob on his hand. The bed sighed softly as he lowered himself onto it and began to gently smooth the icy gel over the red and swollen spots. He pressed gently at first, and then slightly harder, using the pads of his fingers to work the gel into her skin. She shivered and her flesh prickled with goose bumps, then her biotics hummed lightly against his fingertips.

James chuckled. "You sure you hate medi-gel, Lola?"

"Shut up," she groaned. "It hurts, and it's cold, and I feel rotten. But I do like the massage."

He finished rubbing in the gel, then flopped on the bed and carefully pulled her into his arms. She sighed and nestled against him, her breathing deep and even. He traced his hands up and down her arm, lightly stroking patterns against her skin while he savoured the feel of her in his arms, and held her close.

"You know, I never worry about you when you go up against reapers or Cerberus, but I nearly lost you today because you fell through a goddamned floor." He kissed the top of her head and breathed in her scent. "It worries me, you know? I don't think I'm ever going to be able to let you go out for dinner with Joker again."

She laughed and then groaned. "Oh God, my ribs. Don't make me laugh."

"Okay, no more jokes. I'm just glad you're okay." James shifted position and kissed her, then sat up and vaulted to his feet. "Now I suppose you'll be wanting some clothes? Will BDUs and boots be fine? Or are you going to fight these mercs in your underwear?"

"BDUs will do, but you should probably get my armour ready just in case things get intense." She struggled into a sitting position and frowned at him as he rifled through the wardrobe. "You said no more jokes," she pointed out.

He toss her BDUs at her and laughed as they thwacked her in the face. "I lied."

"Bastard."

James grinned fondly and carried her boots over. "And you love me for it. Now get dressed, marine."

* * *

**A/N – I hope you all enjoyed it. Reviews and feedback are always loved!**


	61. Why Can't I Be You?

_Disclaimer: I don't own Mass Effect_

**A/N – Thank you so much to everyone who followed, favourited and left me reviews on the last chapter. You're the best! Really – you made my day during a horrible week. Now, this chapter breaks canon, so things happen much differently than they do in the DLC. I really hope you enjoy it!**

* * *

James watched, fascinated, as Jack paced back and forth in front of the fireplace. Periodically a pale blue burst of biotic energy would escape her; an outward sign of her turbulent emotions. She glanced over at him as she prowled back and forth, and scowled as their eyes clashed.

Liara had traced the gun they picked up to Elijah Khan; the owner of the Silver Coast Casino. Rather than alerting C-Sec, who Brooks feared might be put at risk, Shepard decided to infiltrate the casino and confront Khan. She'd taken Brooks and Kaidan with her, and it was obvious that Jack wasn't thrilled with the decision.

"They'll be fine," James told her as she paused and glanced at the window, tapping one hand against her thigh. "Two human Spectres are the perfect people to infiltrate a casino. They can look after themselves."

Jack whirled around and dropped onto the couch opposite him, crossing her arms defensively. "It's not that," she muttered. "I just don't get why Shepard had to take Kaidan with her. She should have taken you." She frowned ferociously and stared at her hands. "Doesn't it bug _you_?"

 _Jack was jealous?_ James almost laughed in surprise, but he managed to keep his amusement hidden.

"Nah." He shrugged. "It's not a date or anything; it's just for show. Plus, you know Lola and I need to be careful about being seen in public together. Regs and all. Not all of us have the luxury of working in different units."

"Aaaw." Jack leaned forward and pulled a sad face. "Poor fucking soldier boy. Toughen up, _Muscles_. At least you get to see her every day."

James felt the sting of loneliness in her words and empathised. The truth was, it _did_ bother him that Shepard had taken Kaidan to the casino instead of him. Not because he was worried about Alenko's intentions, but because she hadn't _hesitated_ before asking Kaidan. She hadn't even looked at him, or asked him what he thought. She'd simply decided that Brooks would go, and then tagged Kaidan for his tech abilities. And yeah, Kaidan was their techspert, but it still stung a little.

Jack subsided with a huff. "You know there's going to be photos of them everywhere. This is a big-fucking-event, and people are going to go nuts when they see them together. Earth's darling Spectre couple." She sounded venomous, and another flare sparked around her.

James raised his eyebrows and leant back in his seat. "This really bugs you doesn't it? Shepard and Kaidan going to this thing together?"

"Maybe." She sighed and rubbed her temples. "Yeah, it bothers me. I'm not even sure why, I mean, they go on missions together all the time, but this, the whole _black tie_ thing, and the two of them walking the red carpet together." Jack shrugged angrily. "It just bothers me."

He grinned. "Iceman's head over heels for you, you know. You can see it every time he looks at you. It's almost sickening."

"Shut up." Jack flushed red and threw an angry scowl at him. "You and Shepard are just as bad, you know. It's like watching two lovesick teenagers."

The change in topic amused James, but he went with it. It didn't seem wise to keep poking Jack like a rattlesnake. He had the feeling that if he kept it up she'd snap and it wouldn't be pretty.

He met her gaze easily and shrugged. "I love her."

To his surprise, Jack snorted and half-laughed. "Everyone loves Shepard, I mean she gets shot at in a sushi restaurant and all her friends instantly rally to her side. The difference is that she loves you." She picked up a couch cushion and twirled it in her hands. "When I first met her she was confused, angry, and had just woken up after being dead for two years. Then that thing on Horizon happened and she was …"

"Angrier?" James supplied.

"Ferocious," Jack told him. "It's probably why we got on so well. But since meeting you, well, she seems calmer. Happier. Shit, I don't know. All this fucking emotional crap isn't really my kind of thing, but you're good for her. I guess what I'm trying to say is that I'm glad you toughened up and made a move on her."

He grinned. "So I get your seal of approval?"

"Yeah, sure." Jack rolled her eyes.

James thought she was planning to say more, but the apartment door opened and Shepard, Kaidan and Brooks came in on a wave of noise. They all looked fine, no bullet holes or blood stains, but none of them looked happy. Shepard caught his eye and James made his way over to her, smiling to himself as Jack stoically stayed on the couch, and Kaidan went to her.

"What happened?" he asked when he got close.

Rennah scowled. "Elijah Khan is dead. Someone got to him before we could."

"Shit." James kept his voice low. "Coincidence or did someone know you were coming?"

"I'm not sure, but if they didn't know we were coming after them before, they do now." He raised his eyebrows in query and she sighed. "Someone had been talking to him before we came in, so we connected the comms and called them back."

The prospect of finding out who exactly was gunning for his girlfriend got his attention and James straightened. "Who was it?"

Shepard shrugged. "I don't know. The signal was all messed up. But the bastard told me that they plan to take everything I have and everything I am, whatever the fuck that means."

"That's a bit creepy," he agreed. "But other than that the mission went well? No gunfire?"

Rennah scrubbed at her face tiredly. "Things went reasonably well, though there were a few hairy moments when the casino security became a bit too interested in what we were doing. But nothing too bad." She touched his arm and nodded towards EDI and Brooks. "Come on, we need to check the drives we took from Elijah's office."

The drives ended up containing receipts for weapons which the Casino owner had sold to a group called CAT6, whom Liara recognised as a merc group consisting of dishonourable discharges from the Alliance. The weapons that had been sold to them were impressive, and included several mechs and heavy weapons.

"Shit." James scanned the list of weapons and glanced over at Shepard. "Someone really wants you dead."

"And what else is new?" Garrus piped up, his mandibles flaring into a turian grin as Rennah rolled her eye at him. "Hey, just stating facts, Shepard. You do seem to piss off a lot of people."

"Shut up, Vakarian." She looked back at the data displayed on the screen. "Does any of this help us at all? Do we know who runs CAT6 or why they might be after me?"

Brooks shook her head, almost vibrating with enthusiasm. "There isn't much information on them other than what Liara has already told you." Her dark gaze slid over to the asari. "I'll keep looking, and hopefully I can turn something up …"

"Commander Shepard?" Glyph appeared in the room, he cast a pale blue glow over Shepard's face as he zoomed in front of her. "Your Spectre codes have just been used to access entry into the Citadel Archives."

"What?" Rennah visibly clenched her jaw and James fought not to step away as her biotics tingled against his skin. "How they fuck did someone get my Spectre access codes? And what the fuck is the Citadel Archives?"

Garrus cleared his throat. "The Archives is where the Council keep all their secrets."

"You've been there?" James asked as he glanced at the turian.

He shook his head. "No, even when I was working with C-Sec I didn't have clearance. Only a few people did; the council, the top C-Sec officers and Spectres." He ticked them off on his talons as he spoke. "It contains everything the council knows about the Mass Relays and the Citadel, as well as all their security secrets and the files from Spectre missions. It's all very hush hush."

Shepard slammed her hand onto the table. "And someone's stolen my access code to get in? Let's go. If it's these CAT6 bastards than maybe we can catch them unawares."

"Good idea!" Brooks enthused. "But who's coming with you this time? You'll need the best if you're going to try to take them out."

Her enthusiasm was annoying, and James exchanged an annoyed look with Garrus. It was clear that the turian didn't like her much either. In fact, there wasn't a single member of the team who seemed to like her much; she was too happy, too helpful and too interested in Shepard. James narrowed his eyes at her - Brooks' enthusiasm reminded him of Conrad Varner's.

Beside him, Shepard chuckled. "This isn't going to be like sneaking into a casino, Brooks. I want everyone on board this time." She turned from the table and raised her voice. "Did you guys hear that? Suit up! We're _all_ going in."

Wrex thumped his chest, and the hollow sound bounced across the room. "About time! It's been a while since I've had a good fight!"

"Too right." James agreed, enjoying the krogan's enthusiasm far more than he had Brooks'. "Let's go kick some CAT6 ass."

* * *

Getting into the Citadel Archives ended up being slightly more difficult than anticipated, as the entrance had been locked up tight, and the building was sealed. Shepard almost lost her temper at that, since she'd assumed they'd be able to stroll up to the entrance and use either her or Kaidan's Spectre access codes to enter. Luckily, and James grinned as he finished fixing his explosives to the Archive's ventilation system, he'd come prepared for a situation like this.

Some men liked using biotics, some liked their guns, but he'd always been a big fan of explosions. Ever since he was a kid, and his Uncle Emilio sat him down and made him watch all of the classic Earth action vids, he'd been loved things that went _BOOM_. It was one of the reasons he always carried a stash of grenades on him, and why he'd had Esteban detour to the ship to pick up his explosives.

 _Be prepared_ ; that was his motto.

"You know," Shepard murmured under her breath as she crouched beside him while he finished rigging the bomb. "I'm not sure if I said it earlier, but thanks for coming to get me after I fell from the restaurant." Her gaze followed his hands as he worked. "And for not saying anything when I didn't take you with me to the casino."

"S'okay, Lola. Watching your ass is the best thing about my job." He grinned as she groaned and shook her head at his pun.

"Lame, Jimmy," she told him as he finished and they stood up together. "Really lame."

"You love it." He took the detonator and they retreated to a safe distance. "Besides, I mean it. I do like watching your ass. It's a very nice, shapely …"

"James, I'm going to punch you if you don't shut up."

He laughed and slid behind the shuttle where the rest of the team was waiting. "Yes, Ma'am."

James detonated the charges and grinned childishly at the resounding boom, enjoying the faint tremor that ran through his boots as the ventilation shaft crumpled and fell inwards. There was a metallic shrieking, a few hollow _thunks_ , and finally a _thud_ as the shaft tumbled into the guts of the building. Shepard took one look at the big grin on his face and shook her head as she pushed away from the shuttle and led her team back towards the makeshift entry.

"Okay," She got everyone's attention. "James and Kaidan are with me. Team Mako, I want you on our left flank, and Team Hammerhead, on our right. Keep an eye out for civilians and C-Sec officers, and most importantly keep an eye for these fucking mercs who are trying to steal my identity."

Everyone nodded in agreement and Shepard jumped into the hole, vanishing into the Archives before any of the others could stop her.

"Shepard always gets to go first." Wrex complained as he leapt in after her, followed by Kaidan and the rest of the team.

James waited for the others to go before he checked the surroundings and followed them down into the darkness. As soon as he hit the ground he blinked to adjust to the dim lighting, then moved forward to join Shepard and Kaidan. The others split into teams either side of them, and he looked around, surprised at the opulence for what was essentially a high tech data storage facility.

They set off, slipping between computer terminals and workstations. The first two rooms they checked were filled with humming data hubs. James wasn't a techhead like Kaidan, but even he could appreciate the sheer amount of storage that was located here – and this was just one floor. They continued, but slowed their pace as they heard voices coming from up ahead. They followed the corridor until it opened up into a large double story room.

"I count …" Shepard paused as they crouched near the edge of the corridor. "Shit. Close to thirty men."

James glanced over and met her gaze; despite her words, she looked pumped and ready to fight. "Not enough of a challenge for you, Lola?"

She laughed. "You know me too well. Lets go."

A moment later Shepard dashed out and the room exploded into noise and movement. Shepard fired at the nearest merc as she took cover behind a desk, and the man screamed as he went down, accidently firing his gun into the air and striking one of his own men standing on the balcony above. Bullets whizzed through the air, hammering into the desk she was hiding behind, and a combat drone zoomed towards her, which Kaidan quickly overloaded.

James followed her out, Kaidan at his side, and provided her with cover as she took out one merc after another with headshots. Behind them, the rest of the team came pouring out of the corridor, and before long the room was full of fighting. Tech explosions went off at uneven intervals as Tali's drones chased down the CAT6 drones. Wrex, Grunt and Zaeed charged through with angry bellows, wielding shot guns and causing carnage, while Jack and Samara caused choas with frightening biotic attacks.

The mercs seemed to be everywhere, and James cursed as more kept coming. _It didn't matter_ , he told himself as he took out a merc who was shooting at Garrus, _they aren't a match for the Normandy crew_. Still, as the minutes dragged on and the onslaught continued, even James found himself wishing they'd just give up already.

A flash of movement caught his eye as a merc jumped from the balcony, intending to get him from above, and he rolled to the side, instinctually staying low as the merc slashed at him with a long bowie knife. _Amateur,_ he thought as he fired off a Carnage and the man stumbled back a few steps screaming as his armour bubbled and began to melt from the heat. James finished him with his gun and got back to his feet, turning to meet the next mercs who ran at him.

A scream cut through the sound of yelling, gunfire and grenade explosions; high, loud and filled with terror, and James paused as he realised the scream belonged to Brooks. He hadn't seen the analyst since the fighting had begun – most likely she'd snuck into some out of the way corner and got herself caught. But everyone stopped as a commanding voice sounded from the darkened balcony above.

"That's enough!" the silhouetted figured roared, and she stepped forward so they could see she was holding Brooks tightly with a gun against her. Whoever she was, she stayed in the shadows, though she was clearly female, and was decked out in combat armour with long dark hair. "Drop your weapons," she yelled again. "Or this won't end well for her!"

 _I know that voice._ James stared up, trying to peer through the shadows so he could make the mysterious figure out. It was a voice he'd listened to for years; in Alliance propaganda vids, on earth for six months, and every day since he'd been on board the Normandy. There was no mistaking it. He'd heard that same voice whisper his name, shout commands, and even listened while it cracked with stress.

But it couldn't be.

"I'd let her go if I were you." Rennah stepped forward next to him, her gun aimed up at the balcony. "The last time someone took a hostage and tried to make me do what they wanted it didn't go too well for them."

"Don't try to be a hero, Shepard. I _will_ kill her." The figure gave Brooks a vicious shake and dug the gun harder into her cheek. "Don't think I won't."

Shepard laughed. "You know, an asari Spectre once took a hostage and made some similar threats. I _shot_ her hostage. What makes you think I'm not going to shoot some annoying little Alliance analyst who got herself caught?" There was an edge to her voice, something hard and sharp like steel, and James fought not to stare at her.

The CAT6 mercenaries had surrounded them, and there wasn't a Normandy crew member who didn't have at least one gun on them. Unlike Shepard, most of the others had frozen when the leader of this insane little plot had taken Brooks hostage. James looked back at Shepard and saw the tension in her jaw. _She'll do it,_ he realised, _she'll shoot Brooks in the leg or the arm if it means getting to the person behind her._

"I don't think you'd …" The mysterious woman started to talk when Rennah abruptly lost patience.

"Screw this," she muttered and fired.

The shot rang out, and there was a blue biotic flash as the figure used a Barrier to deflect the bullet. Evidently, she'd had enough of cat and mouse too, and the figure shoved Brooks off the balcony and leapt after her, landing neatly in a crouch and quickly pulling the analyst close again. She moved forward into the light, her gun trained on Shepard as she looked up and revealed her face.

It was _Shepard_.

James heard the gasps of the others as they looked from one Shepard to the other; there was virtually no difference between them. Both were of an identical height, and were just shy of six feet. Both had long dark hair, though Rennah's still showed signs of the undercut James had given her months ago. The only obvious point of difference were their eyes; the faux-Shep had the same violet eyes as Rennah, but unlike _his_ Shepard, she still had both of hers.

"Um, okay. Can someone explain this?" Shepard asked finally, sounding both intrigued and disgusted. "Where did you even come from?"

The faux-Shepard smiled. "From the same DNA as you, of course."

"A clone," Liara said flatly. "I didn't think Cerberus would stoop so low."

The clone threw the asari a withering look. "Did you really think they'd spend billions of credits bringing her back to life and not have some kind of backup?" She glared at all of them. "I was supposed to be spare parts for you, in case you were damaged in battle or some part of you failed to take." Angrily, she waved her gun at Shepard. "You got to wake up and go on with your life, I got grown in a lab and kept in a coma _just in case_."

"So you just woke up one day and thought you'd come and steal my life?" Shepard kept her gun on the clone. "Nice."

"You have no idea what I've been through." The faux-Shep moved Brooks between them, using her as a shield. "You don't know anything."

"I know Cerberus made you, so I assume the Illusive Man sent you?"

"No. I was supposed to have been destroyed when you went rogue." The clone sounded bitter, and James could see why; Cerberus had treated her like a disposable commodity. "But someone got me out, and six months ago they woke me up so I could replace you, fix your mistakes and take your place to help guide the direction of the war."

"Fix my mistakes?" Shepard flared and her energy crawled angrily over James' skin. "Replace me?" she growled. "No one would ever believe you're the real thing."

"No, they wouldn't," the clone agreed. "Not with your supposed friends running around. I don't have your memories, Shepard. So while I could fool most people into believing I was you, they'd be a different story." She turned her gaze on James and looked him up and down, her lip curling with distaste. "Like you, _Jimmy,_ " she mocked. "You're pathetic. Just a little fan boy chasing after something he'll never have …"

Shepard laughed. " _Something he'll never have_?" She repeated in amusement, exchanging a look with James. "Someone's intel is _slightly_ out of date."

"What are you talking about?" the fake Shepard hissed angrily, looking back at James with disgust in her eyes. "No, don't answer. It won't matter soon! When I'm flying your ship, everyone will believe it's me."

Rennah dissolved into giggles, as though this was the funniest thing she'd ever heard. "Steal the Normandy?" Shepard finally stifled her laugher and shook her head. "No one's going to believe you're me for a second, you moron." She tapped her eyepatch, and her voice abruptly turned mocking. "Hi, I'm Commander Shepard and I've managed to magically grow my eye back in the space of a few hours!" She scoffed. "People are going to notice something like that, you know."

"Shut up!" The clone abruptly let Brooks go and turned her gun on Shepard. "I'll just kill you and take your eyepatch …" Shepard started to chuckle once more, and the clone fired up into the air. "Shut up! Why are you laughing, you bitch?"

Rennah looked up at the ceiling where the clone had fired and then looked back at her doppelganger. "Because you're too _stupid_ to be me. You can't just wear an eyepatch around – haven't you heard of something called depth perception …"

Rennah froze as Brooks suddenly whirled around and pointed a gun at her. "I think it might be a good idea for you to shut up now, Commander," she said, her voice decidedly lower and sultrier than it had been the last time she'd spoken. Gone was the bouncing, enthusiastic persona. "Unless you want to get your friends killed."

"You're with her?" Shepard sounded genuinely surprised. "Good acting, I'll give you that."

Brooks inclined her head. "Thank you. Now, I suggest you lower your weapons unless you want a bullet in each of your friends, starting with your lieutenant."

Brooks gestured around at all the CAT6 mercenaries surrounding them. James didn't bother looking – the mercs did have guns on them, but they also had their guns aimed at _them_. It was a Mexican standoff, and whoever shot first was going to start a shitload of trouble. Slowly, so as not to attract too much attention, he moved his gun so he was aiming at Brooks instead of the clone.

"Are responsible for this?" Shepard kept her gaze on the clone, but it was obvious she was talking to Brooks. "I take it you're not really with the Alliance."

"Hardly." She laughed. "I used to work for Cerberus, but I left them once they woke you up and started getting all touchy feely with the aliens. I took her with me and woke her up, and while you were sitting around in a cell on Earth, I taught her how to be human. It's amazing these days what you can do with neural implants; the things you can teach people."

"So Cerberus screwed you over, I get that. They did that to a lot of people, but I don't understand why you're doing this?" Shepard looked from the clone to Brooks, her tone confused. "Why not work with me?"

"Because of them!" The clone broke in before Brooks could answer, and she gestured at the aliens. "It's disgusting! Working with aliens and helping them when you should be helping your own people. You're past your prime, Shepard. It's time you were retired and someone else took your place. Someone who hasn't got all of the wear and tear, who hasn't lost so many battles and friends." She smirked. "Someone like me."

"No one will believe you're Shepard for an instant," James growled at her, and then looked across at Shepard. "You know, I never thought I'd say this, but you're a fucking bitch, Shepard."

Rennah grinned coldly. "Don't I know it."

The clone glared at them both. "Yeah, I'm bored now. Execute them."

She turned away as Brooks kept her gun aimed at Shepard, her dark eyes jumping between her and James. Tension zoomed through him as he tightened his hold on his gun, adrenaline surging as the clone walked away. He could feel Rennah tensing next to him, and knew she was about to move. It was an awareness that came from working closely with her for months, and from being so attuned to her body language.

"Zvezda Moya." Shepard spoke suddenly, and James blinked as he recognised her pet name for him. "Take Brooks."

He didn't need any more urging.

James fired at Brooks, and the analyst cursed and fired back, switching her aim from Shepard to him. Both of their shields sparked, deflecting the bullets and shorting out, and James leapt back towards cover. Rennah stayed where she was, and dropped to her knees as she fired shots up to the ceiling. James saw why as he rolled to the floor and took cover behind a desk, keeping Brooks at bay while Rennah fired on a giant model Citadel suspended from the ceiling.

Brooks shouted; screaming at the clone to get out of there as the model cracked and fell, smashing to the floor in huge chunks. Glass and metal rained down them all, and James pulled back as a hail of glass shivers sprayed towards him. When he looked back up, Shepard and the clone were fighting – throwing biotic punches and brawling viciously.

They flickered in and out of view as they charged at one another, almost seeming to dance in blue flashes as they moved among the arms of the broken Citadel. Huge broken shards stuck up in all directions like a jagged crown. James focused his attention back on Brooks, and when she aimed her gun at Shepard, he fired at her in a quick burst. She shrieked when his bullets took out her shields and a few rounds hit her in the shoulder.

James sprung forward and dashed towards Brooks as she scrambled backwards, trying to get herself back into cover. He tackled her to the floor and pinned her face down, then wrenched her arms behind her back and kneeled on her legs. She struggled under his weight, cursing him and trying to dislodge his hold, but it was no use, and James pressed down harder as more and more of her mercs were taken out.

A roar of fury startled him, and he looked up to see the clone slam into Shepard with a bone crunching thud. His heart leapt to his throat as Rennah stumbled back from the impact, dangerously close to one of the broken arms of the Citadel. The clone looked triumphant, and he started to raise his gun, but Shepard wasn't done yet. She seized the clones shoulder and head-butted her; once, twice, until the other Shepard's nose broke with a sickening crunch.

Disorientated the clone stumbled back and raised a hand to her face, as though surprised that she'd been hurt. Shepard didn't hesitate, and she growled like a feral dog as she grabbed the clone in a hold and flipped her over in a judo throw – dropping her straight onto the broken Citadel model. James flinched as the clone was impaled on one of the spikes. For a moment, even though he knew it wasn't true, he saw Rennah impaled. She let out a scream of pain and despair, and stared with wide eyes at the twisted hunk of metal stuck out of her chest.

But of course it wasn't Shepard _– it was the clone._

James drew in a deep breath and tried to slow his thundering heart. The mercenaries, those that were left, began to retreat, and Brooks went still as she stared at the clone. Rennah was breathing loudly, and a trickle of blood ran from her lip as she stalked forward to look at her double. The clone was still alive and she clutched at the bloodied spike, a keening sound escaping her as the weight of her body impaled her further.

"Help me!" She sounded terrified and James struggled to bury the surge of pity that ran through him.

_She sounds just like Rennah._

"No." Shepard shook her head. "Even if I wanted to, there's nothing I could do."

The clone convulsed, and her body twisted horribly as she choked on her blood, gurgling and thrashing. James had to look away as she reached desperately for Shepard, her terrified eyes pleading as tremors wracked her body. Finally the clone went still and her body sagged lifelessly.

Kaidan appeared beside him. "I'll take care of her, James." He nodded at Brooks. "Help Shepard."

James got up slowly, but Brooks stayed placidly on the ground and Kaidan quickly locked omni-cuffs on her. He went to Shepard's side, and his stomach turned sickeningly at the sight of _Rennah_ impaled on the spike, her face drained of blood and her eyes staring sightlessly up at the ceiling. He paused and waited while Shepard leaned forward and gently closed the clone's eyes.

"This is pretty fucked up." He touched her arm as she straighted back up. "You okay, Lola?"

Shepard nodded and let out her breath slowly. "Yeah, I'm fine, but we need to get to a hospital."

"You're hurt?" He ran his gaze over her, but aside from the busted lip, she looked pretty good.

To his surprise, her mouth twitched into a smile and she turned to face him. "Hurt? No. But I want one of her eyes."

"What?" James took a step back and looked at the dead clone. "You want her _eyes_?"

"Well, one eye," Rennah tapped her eyepatch. "I know it seems a little ghoulish, but she was made to be spare parts."

He nodded and pulled her close, hugging her tight and trying hard _not_ to look at the dead clone on the ground. Seeing Rennah die, even a cloned version that he knew was fake, had hurt. Now he had an insight into what Kaidan had gone through when she'd died on the SR1, and he understood how Shepard had felt when she thought he'd died on the Normandy when Cain shot him. It was scary, and it brought the risks they were taking each day into focus; for the first time since the war had begun, James realised that there was a good chance they might not make it.

And he resolved to make each day count.

* * *

**A/N – I almost feel sorry for the clone. Almost. I hope you all enjoyed the chapter – reviews are most welcome!**


	62. Harder, Better, Faster, Stronger

_Disclaimer: I don't own Mass Effect_

**A/N - I think I may have managed to get this chapter out in a somewhat timely manner this time. Thanks so much to the people who took the time out to leave me a review on the last chapter, it means a lot! And I hope everyone who is quietly reading along is still enjoying the story. This chapter is dedicated to Tracy (TLCinbflo) for her constant support! She's a fantastic writer and if you're not reading her Shega fic 'Enjoy the Silence', you really should be!  
**

**Enjoy this chapter!**

* * *

Rennah groaned and nestled further into the blanket on the couch, pulling the soft fabric up around her as she lay with her head in James' lap. She felt like she'd gone ten rounds with a krogan without her armour on. She ached in places she didn't think it was possible to ache, and it was all Miranda's fault. Instead of just doing the eye transplant like she'd asked her, the damned woman had taken the opportunity to check all of her synthetic upgrades and implants and make _minor adjustments_.

The idea of Miranda poking around in her body and fiddling with her implants was about as attractive as letting the clone take over the Normandy. She liked Miranda, _she did_ , and she trusted her. But being unconscious for operations was bad enough; it left you weak and vulnerable. Being cut open and having to trust people fiddling with your insides was even _worse_ , and her stomach churned at the thought.

_Bloody doctors._

She shifted again in James lap, burrowing into his warmth, and tried to focus on the vid they were watching, but her heart wasn't in it. The medical pressure bandage over her eye itched, and she was half-tempted to just rip the damned thing off and be done with it. She'd have given her eye teeth to know if the eye transplant had been a success, but she had to wait for Miranda to remove the bandages and run some tests.

She sighed and rolled her shoulders as she tried to get comfortable. Somehow, and she wasn't sure how, Kaidan had discovered that her bandages were coming off today, and he and Jack insisted on coming over to celebrate. Their faith in Miranda's transplant was warming, but Rennah wasn't going to count her chickens until they hatched – _no way_. If she got her hopes up only to discover the transplant had failed … her heart thumped painfully and she shut that line of thought down.

_I'll be fine! Miranda is the best, and if anyone can do it, she can._

James glanced at her and the corner of his mouth twitched in amusement. "You okay down there, Lola?"

"No," she grumbled and changed position again. "I just want it off!"

He chuckled and smoothed a hand over her head. "You're adorable when you're cranky."

Rennah glared up at him and struggled to a sitting position. "Adorable? Me? I think you're confusing me with someone else."

"Well, it sure as hell isn't your clone, because _adorable_ is not a word I'd associate with her."

The mention of the clone sent slivers of ice through Shepard's veins, and she tensed. James shot her a concerned look, and, with difficulty, she relaxed. Seeing herself die had been … _unsettling_. It didn't matter that she _knew_ it wasn't her and that it was a clone, it had still looked like her. And given how close the clone had come to stabbing her onto the same spire, it very nearly had been.

"Lola?" James touched her chin and tilted her face up until her gaze met his. "You want to talk about it yet?"

Rennah sighed and groped for words which had so far eluded her. "I'm not even sure what to say, James. I mean, I feel _sorry_ for it. She was grown in a lab for spare parts, and wasn't meant to ever wake up. And Brooks, she just used her! The clone was just a tool …"

"That's not what I meant, and you know it. You killed her." His strong hands cupped her face and Rennah let him pull her into his arms. "You killed … _you_."

"It was weird," she admitted, shivering as the clones dying words, a plea for help, echoed in her ears. "Watching her die, watching myself die. I guess in some ways it reminded me that I could go at any time. If the reapers don't get me, than Cerberus might …"

"Rennah." James so rarely used her name that she paused and let him pull her closer still. "You're _not_ going to die. We're going to beat the reapers and visit Mexico, remember?"

His tone was teasing and light, but there was an intensity in his eyes that she couldn't ignore; James was shaken.

She nestled closer and breathed in the familiar smell of his aftershave, resting against the reassuringly solid mass of his body. "Of course we are, but seeing her die made me think of Alchera." She lay her face on his chest and listened to the steady _thump-thump_ of his heartbeat, closing her eye briefly. "I've died once …"

"I remember," James interrupted quietly. "I remember the exact moment I found out you were gone. I don't think there's an Alliance soldier alive who doesn't. Never underestimate how important you are to people. You can't die again, it's not allowed. Especially in the middle of this war; _people_ need you."

Rennah sighed as the heavy weight of responsibility pressed down. "People always seem to need me for something."

"People like and respect you." He grinned as she rolled her eyes. "Fight it all you like, but people gravitate towards you because they trust you. You're amazing."

"And you," Shepard pressed a kiss to his neck and felt his pulse jump against her lips. "Are completely biased in your opinion of me."

He smirked. "Yes, I am."

James wrapped his arms around her body, his movements mindful of her of her bruises and wounds despite his strength. He eased her face up and kissed her, his tongue darting out to tease against hers as he groaned in pleasure. Shepard smiled, a starburst of feeling exploding in her chest at the depth of his love for her. Both of them had been frustrated as hell at the lack of intimacy over the last few nights, and she could feel in his kiss how much he wanted her.

She crawled into his lap and straddled him, cupping his face in her hands as she poured herself into her kisses. All of her fear and doubts, everything she'd been feeling since she'd seen the clone die; she let it all go. No matter what happened, they had the here and now. She had James, and he had her, and it felt right. God, it felt so right.

"I love you," James murmured as he broke the kiss, his eyes dark with emotion. "And we're going to make it through this. You're going to stop the reapers and I'm going to be right there with you."

She smiled and kissed him again, enjoying the feel of his body trembling under hers. "Hell yes you are. There isn't anybody else I'd rather at my side."

He rumbled appreciatively as her hands began to dance down his chest, but the moment was broken by the door chime. Rennah groaned in frustration and almost flopped back on the couch, but James caught her and lowered her down carefully. He laughed at the look of annoyance on her face and kissed her affectionately, his hands soothing as they trailed along her arms.

"You make me feel better about being so frustrated," he confessed as he stood up. "I like knowing that I'm not the only one aching."

The door chime sounded again and Rennah sighed and pushed herself into a sitting position. "You'd better get that. If Jack and Miranda are both out there then it's going to be like the _Skillian Blitz_ all over again."

James grinned as he dashed to the door, and Rennah sighed as the arguing voices of Jack and Miranda barged into the house ahead of their owners. Jack sounded obnoxious and Miranda smug, and Rennah rolled her eyes as she craned her head to look at them. Kaidan strolled in behind Jack, greeting James with a fist bump and looking bemused as the women continued arguing all the way into the lounge room.

"How can you defend them? Even now?" Jack stomped to the living room and threw herself down onto a couch, sprawling and putting her feet up on the coffee table. Her eyes sparked angrily as Miranda sauntered past, seeming to ignore her dirty look.

"I'm not defending what Cerberus did, I'm simply saying that they weren't always bad. The Illusive Man had the best of intentions." She looked over at Jack and held up her hands to forestall the usual angry outburst. "Well, for a while he did. But we all saw what happened after the Collector base was destroyed …"

Rennah cleared her throat and pointedly looked from one woman to the other. "Ladies, can we maybe stop the arguing for one day?"

"Fuck Shepard, you're no fun." Jack's expression switched from a scowl into a grin. "The _Cheerleader_ and I were just reminiscing."

"Something like that," Miranda agreed with a roll of her eyes as she sat down next to Shepard. She pulled out a scanning device and her face sobered. "How have you been since I did the upgrades? Any noticeable changes? Heartrate? Mood? Temperature? Any pain?"

"Pain?" Shepard raised her eyebrows. "I've felt like shit, but you did an eye transplant and poked around with my implants. Pain's normal, right?"

The brunette nodded. "Yes, but nothing else? Nausea? Headaches?"

"Nothing." She frowned. "Can we just get this over with? I'd like to know if I can see out of this eye."

"Yeah, c'mon _Cheerleader_ ," Jack smirked. "Get the bandages off already and cut the medical crap."

Kaidan settled on the couch next to Jack and folded his hands neatly in his lap, a complete binary opposite to the woman next to him. He leaned over a murmured something to her, of which Rennah heard only a few words. But from the way Jack scowled and straightened, flushing slightly as she looked away from Miranda, she guessed he'd told her to lay off.

Miranda finished scanning her and checked her omni-tool, frowning slightly at the results. "Your implants are all functioning fine, but some of the readings are a little off."

"Will it kill me?" Rennah asked. "Because I'd love if we could leave the medical stuff for now. I really want this off." She pointed to the patch.

"She's been insufferable," James chimed in unhelpfully. "I've barely been able to keep her from ripping it off."

She huffed and gave him a dirty look. "I haven't been that bad, I just want to find out if, you know …"

"If you can see?" Miranda finished for her.

"What else?"

"Fine, I'll leave the medical stuff for now, but I want Chakwas to track any changes in your body because of these upgrades. Get her to contact me if there are any changes." Miranda put her scanner down and flashed Rennah a stern look. "And I mean _any changes_."

Her blue gaze bored into hers, pinning her like a butterfly to a specimen board, and Rennah shifted uncomfortably. Miranda _knew_ she hated doctors and that given half a chance, she'd gloss over any symptoms if it meant avoiding medicine and hospitals. The ex-Cerberus operative raised an eyebrow and cleared her throat, waiting patiently while Rennah huffed and shuffled, and eventually nodded her head in a jerky movement.

"Yeah, yeah," She agreed reluctantly.

Miranda smiled. "Good. Now stay still and keep your eye closed."

Shepard held her breath, and tingles of anticipation ran through her as Miranda turned her attention to the patch over her eye. Her fingers were cool against her skin as she tilted Rennah's head back and began to remove the dressings and tape. It tickled, and she bit back a nervous laugh as layer after layer was removed until only the pressure patch remained. She kept her eye closed tightly, suddenly fearful of what might happen once the patch was removed; _what if I can't see and everything has been in vain?_ Her heart hammered at the thought, fluttering against her chest like a caged bird trying to burst free.

_It wouldn't be the end of the world, but to come so close and be stuck with an eye patch for the rest of my life ..._

She let the thought trail off as Miranda gently peeled back the pressure bandage and cool air kissed the sweaty skin beneath. Rennah closed both eyes and held her breath as Miranda pulled it free with a small tug and _the moment_ crashed upon her. There was silence, and Rennah clenched her fists, fighting the irrational fear that wrapped around her with steely arms. She heard the soft sounds of the scanner and smelt Miranda's perfume, warm and woody, as her hands came near her face. Finally she felt the air move as she drew back.

"You can open your eyes." Miranda's voice. Soft. Encouraging. "Everything looks good on the technical end."

Rennah nodded and slowly prised her lids apart ... and cursed as she was blinded by the light. She raised a hand to her eyes and shielded them while she blinked, trying to let her eye adjust slowly. _At least I can see the light,_ she thought prosaically as she opened then again, slower this time while she kept her face down. She focused on her hands in her lap; hands which were bunched into fists. They blurred and then focused, and then blurred again. She gritted her teeth, tension keeping her rigid as she stared at her hands and brought them back into focus.

Relief poured through her, and her blood fizzed and bubbled joyously in her veins; _I can see!_

"I can see." She looked up, blinking as the overhead lights sent a piercing pain through her head. It didn't matter, pain didn't matter; _she could see!_ "The light hurts, but I can see."

James let out a happy _whoop_ and pulled her into a bear hug, engulfing her completely as he hauled her close, picked her up and spun her around. The tension melted away and Rennah laughed, giddy with relief as the room twirled around her. Jack and Kaidan were up and on their feet in an instant, both of them grinning like idiots. Jack slapped her on the back of the head and punched her on the arm, a dazzling smile lighting up her normally sour face.

"Hell yes, Shepard! I knew you'd be okay!" The psychotic biotic danced around her, exuberant. "But you're not going to look half as cool without your eye patch."

Rennah laughed and broke away from James. "No more piracy for me."

Kaidan was more reserved and hung back, but as soon as James let her go Rennah crossed the floor and pulled him into a hug. More than any of the others, she knew Kaidan felt responsible for what had happened to her. It was a stupid and idiotic way for him to feel, but he alone had been awake while they'd cut her eye out. He'd been forced to listen, helpless, while they mutilated her. He'd struggled and succeeded in getting free to save her, but he felt guilty anyway. She could see it in his eyes as she hugged him - the guilt. They didn't say anything to each other, but years of working together and the close relationship they'd once shared made it easy for them to know what the other was thinking.

She returned his happy smile and turned back to James, who beamed at her. "See?" he told her happily. "I told you you'd be fine."

"Yeah, you did." She moved back into the circle of his arms, her pulse quickening at the feel of his body against hers.

_Would it ever not be like this between them?_ She wondered. Would she ever lose that rush of heady euphoria whenever she felt his arms around her or smelled his aftershave? Or tire of his kisses or the caress of his hands on her skin? Miranda cleared her throat and Rennah stepped back from James before she lost herself completely, blushing slightly.

"I need to take some readings, if you can pry yourself away from your lieutenant."

Rennah felt her face flush redder. "Of course."

She couldn't wipe the smile off her face as she gave James' hand a squeeze and floated back to Miranda, light-headed with relief. Her vision was still slightly blurred, and Miranda ran some scans and remotely adjusted the optics in her eye, calibrating and fiddling until her sight focused. The transplanted eye was still light sensitive _and_ it felt strange to have something other than the ocular orb in her eye socket, but it felt better. Even the ache was welcome, because it was a reminder that she could see again.

Finally Miranda put her omni-tool away and nodded. "I've done what I can, but you can expect some discomfort over the next few days. Headaches, balance problems, maybe some nausea. The same sort of thing you experienced when your eye was removed."

"Thank you." Rennah leaned across and hugged Miranda before she could stop herself. The other woman went rigid, neither of them being especially touchy feely, but after a heartbeat she hugged her back. "I don't know what I would have done without you."

The Australian smiled faintly and gathered her things as she stood. "You've done more for me than you'll ever know. It's the least I can do." Their eyes met, and Rennah glimpsed the woman behind Miranda's façade; the caring and kind woman who'd do anything for her friends.

"Aaaw, gonna cry now _Cheerleader_?" Jack interrupted their moment, grinning broadly. "Or are we all going to do some group bonding now?"

Miranda sniffed distastefully. "Hardly. I have better things to do than hang around arguing with _you_ all day."

She gave Shepard instructions on caring for her eye over the next few days, though it was almost completely healed thanks to medi-gel, then James showed her out. Despite all of them being comrades, if not friends, the atmosphere lightened without Miranda. Jack curled up on the couch beside Kaidan, casually snuggling under his arm and glaring defensive at Rennah when she caught her watching them with a grin. She gave her the finger in typical Jack style, and then deliberately ignored her teasing smiles after that.

Odd as it seemed, the two of them made a cute couple; Jack was obviously helping Kaidan relax, and in turn he seemed to be helping her calm down. But it was the little things that made them so cute; the way they looked at each other and smiled, and the way they did little things for each other without asking. She'd never have picked Jack as Kaidan's type, but it was obvious they were smitten with each other.

She was happy for them.

"Vid time!" James declared loudly as he closed the door behind Miranda and bounced back into the room, positive energy almost crackling off him. "Alenko, I'm feeling the need!"

"The need for speed!" Kaidan responded, and the two men grinned stupidly as James brought up his omni-tool and began to scan through vid files.

Rennah exchanged a dubious look with Jack; the men's enthusiasm was worrying. "What the hell are you two on about?"

"Only the greatest action movie that the 20th century has to offer," James told her as he moved to the vid controls and uploaded a file from his omni-tool. "The original and remastered vid of my favourite movie."

"Oh God." Rennah groaned and tossed a cushion at Kaidan when he laughed. "This is that stupid movie you two are always going on about, isn't it? The _Gun_ movie?"

Kaidan biotically caught the cushion and threw it back at her. "Top Gun," he corrected. "Though I've only ever seen the remake. The one they set in space."

James whirled around, aghast, and stared at Kaidan as though he'd grown a second head. "I just lost so much respect for you, buddy. But don't worry. We'll set things right."

He dimmed the lights and went to the kitchen, reappearing a minute later with bowls of snacks and a six pack of beer, then he settled down next to Rennah as the vid started. "I used to watch this movie with my Uncle Emilio when I was young. For a while there all I wanted to do was be a pilot."

Rennah grinned, and tried to stifle a giggle against his chest as the image of him crashing his shuttle on Mars flashed through her head. She failed. "After seeing you fly, I'm a little glad you gave up on that dream," she laughed.

He wiggled his eyebrows and slung an arm around her shoulders, drawing her close as the vid rolled on. His enthusiasm was contagious, and even though it was by far the stupidest movie Rennah had ever seen, she found herself enjoying it; even the ridiculous scene with the volleyball game.

It felt good after so many months of non-stop fighting and bloodshed to take a night off and just relax. And for the first time in her life she felt free from Cain, who had always hung over her head like a phantom from the past. She felt lighter and happier than she had in years, and she had a group of people around her who she loved and trusted. If someone had told the frightened angry girl who'd fled from the Red's all those years ago that she'd end up like this one day, she'd never have believed it.

It had been a long journey, but moments like this, with her friends and with James, made every step of the way worth it.

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**A/N - For the record, you can be my wingman any time! :D**


	63. We're In This Together

_Disclaimer: I don't own Mass Effect_

**A/N – I'm so sorry this is late! I've been sick, my cat is in pet hospital, I had to go out of state unexpectedly, and I wrote and posted a Kaidan/Jack one-shot called Dark Horse which runs in random with this chapter. It tells Jack and Kaidan's version of what happens the night of the party and I really recommend you go and read it first if you haven't. You don't have to, of course, but it does tell part of the Lights in the Sky story! Plus it's funny!**

**Thank you to my readers, and an especially big thank you to my reviewers. You are the best!**

* * *

 

_This will probably be the last time we're all together,_ Shepard thought as she watched her friends drinking, laughing and having fun around her. The party had been Joker's idea, and she'd been only too happy to have a celebration in her apartment. After all, it wasn't like they'd get another chance to get together like this in the foreseeable future. The reapers were bearing down harder than ever, and Hackett had contacted her a few hours ago to announce plans to attack Cerberus' main base of operations the following day.

Alliance Command was of the opinion that Cerberus had moles planted high up in the Alliance, so the attack was being kept secret and the fleets were being mustered at key relays under the guise of sending evacuation help to Thessia. She hadn't even told her crew about the impending assault on the base; all they knew was that tomorrow they were shipping out.

Rennah sighed. She didn't want to think about tomorrow or the day that would come after it. Tomorrow she would face Kai Leng and The Illusive Man, and as far as she was concerned they could wait for tomorrow. It was tonight she cared about; tonight and all of her friends. Each of the people in this room had her back and had supported her through everything; geth, reapers and even death.

"Hey Lola." James sidled up and passed her a beer. "Any particular reason you're hiding in the corner?"

She glanced at him and brought up her omni-tool so he could read Hackett's orders. "They found Cerberus."

"Shit." His chocolatey gaze flicked back to her, concern in it's depths. "The Normandy is on point for this, right?"

Rennah nodded and took a sip of the beer. "Yeah, I'm taking an infiltrator team in to shut down the defences and hopefully take out the Illusive Man."

"Infiltrator team?" James frowned and Shepard fought not to shuffle as he pinned her with his gaze. "Sounds dangerous."

She made herself smile and nudged him with her shoulder. "Is anything I do _not_ dangerous?" She swallowed another mouthful of the beer and made a face. "This is fucking horrible."

As subject changes went, it wasn't the smoothest, but James took the hint and went with it.

"Hey, you organised the party." He pulled the beer from her hand and chugged it down. "You only have yourself to blame."

Rennah rolled her eyes. "Yeah, yeah. Come on, let's go and see what the rest of the gang are up to."

James' arm settled about her waist and they drifted towards the bar area where Zaeed, Garrus, Cortez, Joker and Wrex were standing around arguing loudly. Absently, Shepard reached up to scratch her neck and winced as her nails connected with a fresh tattoo. _Damned itchy medigel,_ she cursed silently and ran her fingers over the raised pattern on her skin.

Jack had been nice enough to bring her tattoo gun along so she could give her the tattoo earlier in the evening. It was small and very simple compared to the rest of the colourful ink on her back, but it was _special_. She glanced up at James as he walked beside her. Her long hair was hiding the tattoo now, but later in the evening he'd see it – and then she'd get all the fun of explaining it.

Shepard grinned as she imaged James' response.

"What's so bloody funny, Shepard?" Zaeed asked loudly as she walked up. He wobbled unsteadily as he slammed back a shot and smashed the empty glass onto the bar, then turned his attention to Joker. "Another! And this time give me something with some fucking kick in it."

Shepard's grin broadened as Wrex made a similar statement. His shot glass was absurdly tiny in his hands and he balanced it between three fingers and tipped it daintily into his mouth. Garrus leaned on the far side of the bar, his eyes taking in everything as they moved from person to person, ever alert. He caught her eye and his mandibles flicked into a grin as he made his way over to her.

"So, how are my two favourite lovebirds, hmm?" he teased as he set his drink down and faced them. "Not sure if I mentioned it earlier, but it's good to see you back in one piece, Shepard."

Rennah raised one hand and touched the long thin scar that cut through her eyebrow and down over her top and bottom eyelid; a reminder of what Cain had done to her. "It's good to be back in one piece."

"At least your clone was good for something." Garrus shrugged. "You really do attract the craziest of people. I've never seen anything quite like it."

"What can I say? It's a gift." She tapped Garrus on the arm and nodded towards the kitchen. "Hey, word of advice, but you should probably track down Tali and spend some time with her. She seemed pretty plastered in the kitchen when I saw her – kept prattling on about emergency induction ports and drinking so much she'd have to change her suit filters."

Garrus shook his head and made a quiet huffing sound. "You know, much as I adore that woman, and yes," He held up a taloned hand before Shepard could open her mouth. "I admit that I do care for her. But she can be rather … _forceful_ when she's drunk."

"Forceful?" James piped up, clearly amused. "What the hell did she do to you, Vakarian?"

Joker laughed from behind the bar. "She guzzled a quarter of a bottle of ryncol and made herself at home on Vakarian's lap." He chortled at Garrus' angry stare. "And if I'm not mistaken, she then proceeded to loudly proclaim that later tonight she was going to rock his world."

Garrus blushed, something Rennah hadn't known Turians could do, and he made a low growling sound. "It was embarrassing."

"No, it was hilarious." Joker laughed again. "That girls a keeper."

Shepard chuckled along and slapped a hand down on the bench. "Well, have fun with the shots."

"Oh, we will." Zaeed cackled evilly. "A few more of these and the party will finally start!"

She shook her head in amusement and left them to their drinking and banter. Shepard cast her eyes around the room; Grunt was on guard duty by the front door, gleefully rejecting the people attempting to come up. Samara, Traynor, Tali and EDI were in the kitchen dancing and gyrating wildly to the music, and Liara, Javik and Miranda were in the lounge room – earnestly discussing the military application of biotics across species. Jack and Kaidan were conspicuous in their absence, and Kasumi was nowhere to be seen – _as usual_.

"Wanna dance, Lola?" James nodded towards the kitchen where they could hear Traynor shrieking with laughter. "You and me could burn up the dance floor! What do you say?"

"I didn't know you were so into dancing, Jimmy."

He smirked and crossed his arms over his chest. "There's still a few things about me you don't know."

"Well, fingers crossed we'll end this war soon and I'll have the rest of my life to find out." She laughed as Tali tried to do a complicated dance move and almost toppled over. "But I think I'll pass on the dancing."

James slipped his arm back around her waist as she took another look around the room. Everyone looked happy and relaxed, and she grinned as she watched them; if they were marching into hell tomorrow, then at least they'd given themselves one hell of a send-off!

"You okay?" James asked as he shepherded her into the office and pushed her down onto one of the lounges. "You're too quiet."

"Just thinking." She relaxed against the leather and watched him.

"About?"

"That it's nice to see everyone having fun." Rennah caught James' hand and pulled down beside her. "That it's nice to be happy and not have to worry about taking a bullet in the back."

"Yeah," James snorted and leaned back with her. "You can save that worry for tomorrow."

"I'm serious." She nudged him with her elbow. "Last night with the movie, and tonight with the party, it's been good. This is the first time we've been able to stop and draw breath in months, and God knows when we'll be able to do it again. It's _good_ to see everyone smiling."

Shepard brushed her hair behind her ear and saw James' eyes fall to her neck. For a moment, she thought he'd see her tattoo, but he didn't seem to notice anything was amiss, and his eyes flicked back up to hers.

He grinned. "Is this the same woman who I was guarding on Earth? The one who used to coldly tell me that she'd do whatever it took to get the job done?"

"Oh, that hasn't changed. I _will_ do whatever it takes to stop Cerberus and the Reapers." She leaned over and gave James a peck on the cheek, his stubble scratchy against her lips. "But I'll also do whatever it takes to protect my friends."

He turned and claimed her lips with his, and his strong arms circled her waist and pulled her close. He broke the kiss and affectionately nuzzled her neck, nibbling and kissing her skin. Shepard felt her body react, and she let her head rest against his chest and listened to the steady sounds of his heartbeat and breathing. He drew in a deep breath and stilled, his hands freezing on her body as he pulled back from her.

"Shepard," he said slowly. "Why do you smell like medigel?"

"Medigel?" She raised a hand to her neck and covered the tattoo with her fingers. He narrowed his eyes at the movement and her lips twitched into a smile. "It was supposed to be a surprise, but now is as good a time as any to show you."

"Show me what?"

She took her hand away and brushed her hair behind her ear. "This."

James leaned close and she felt his fingers trace over the new tattoo, following the strange design of dots, lines and circles. He leaned back and gave her a puzzled look. "Lola, I'm sure that tattoo means something special to you, but I have no idea what the hell it is."

"It's the constellation Lyra."

His raised his hands, confused. "I'm still lost."

She chuckled. "Remember what you told me when you got your N7 tattoo?"

"What, that you should get a tattoo too?" James rolled his eyes and took another look at her new ink. "Yeah, I remember."

"No." She put a hand out and stilled him. "What kind of tattoo did you suggest I get?"

He smirked and grinned lopsidedly. "My name someplace special …" James froze and a look of understanding crossed his face. "Lola, I know you said my name is the name of your favourite star … but I'm not an astronomy buff like you. Is that … ?"

His fingers traced the lines of the tattoo again and she grinned at his hesitation. "See the biggest dot in the design?"

She felt him tap the dot. "Yep."

"That's the star Vega."

There was silence for a moment and James' finger traced the design again lightly, following the lines of the constellation before returning to his star - then he hauled her into his arms. He kissed her hard enough to bruise, and showered gentle kisses all over her face as he crushed her to his chest.

"Lola!" he mumbled her name in between kisses. "I can't believe you did that!"

She laughed as his stubble ticked her. "Well, it is my favourite star, and it seemed a nice way to celebrate us." She cuddled close. "No matter what happens James, you've changed my life."

"Dios, I love you so much." James scooped her to his chest and stood up, swaying slightly and tensing as he caught his balance. "Okay, I'm getting us somewhere where we can be alone. I want to take an up-close and personal look at this new tattoo."

He strode purposefully out of the bar and up the stairs heading towards her bedroom. Several people whistled at them from the kitchen, and someone, possibly Traynor, wished them a good night. Shepard buried her face in James' shoulder, flushing red at the good natured ribbing.

"I swear I'll kill them if they don't stop," she groaned into his shirt with embarrassment.

James chuckled and dropped a kiss on her head. "Kill them tomorrow, Lola. We got more important things to do … _whoa_! Kasumi!"

Shepard opened her eyes in time to see James collide with the thief, who was hurrying towards the stairs with a bundle of familiar looking clothing in her arms. She let out a startled shriek and dropped some of what she was holding, and James let Shepard swing down from her arms. The master thief knelt and hurriedly picked up the clothes.

"You okay there, 'Sumi?" Shepard asked in amusement.

"Of course," she said brightly as she straightened, clutching the clothing to her chest. "I'm just, you know, running an errand."

"Right." Shepard raised an eyebrow and peered at the clothes. "You want to tell me what you're really doing?"

Kasumi tilted her head to the side and grinned. "Nope."

Then she activated her cloak and vanished.

James glanced down at her. "Should we be worried about her?"

Shepard shrugged and reached behind her for the door handle to their room, sliding it open without looking. "God knows what Kasumi is doing," she purred as she went up on tip toes and kissed him, raking her nails across his chest and pulling him towards the bed. "I'm more interested in what _we_ could be doing, Mister Vega."

James chuckled and caught her to him, and they tumbled through the bedroom door laughing as they tried to walk and kiss at the same time. Shepard's legs hit the bed and she tipped backwards, pulling James down with her. He caught his weight on his hands as he fell, and effectively trapped her between his arms.

Shepard smirked up at him and raised her hands to his chest, tracing the Alliance symbol and letting her hands wander lower. She hooked her fingers under the hem of his shirt and pulled it up and over his head, tossing it across the room. James grinned as she tried to get her own shirt off, and in her haste managed to get herself tangled up in it. The shirt was stuck over her head with her arms caught up, and Shepard wriggled gracelessly as she tried to get free.

James laughed.

"Aw, just like the first time I saw your tattoos," he chuckled. "You're a creature of rare elegance, Lola."

"Shut up and get it off me!" she complained. A moment later she shrieked as his fingers tickled across her ribs. "No, James! Don't tickle me! I'm helpless here!"

His hands fell from her ribs and he pulled her close. "A _helpless_ Shepard all to myself? Whatever will I …"

A loud crash sounded from the bathroom, and, startled, James let her go. Rennah cursed as she blindly tried to get up and instead toppled off the bed onto the floor. She wrenched the shirt free and rolled to her feet, blinking in confusion as she saw a flickering blue light coming from the bathroom.

"Kasumi!" She growled angrily and started across the floor, James a few steps behind her.

She stumbled to a stop at the bathroom door and peered around with wide eyes. The bathroom, which she'd left in a pristine and perfect condition this afternoon, was in shambles. Water had flooded across the tiled floor, rumpled towels lay soaked on the floor, and a blue singularity whirled slowly above the hot tub. Her gaze zeroed in on two empty beer bottles that lay discarded next to the tub, and understanding dawned on her.

Kasumi didn't have biotics – but Jack and Kaidan sure as hell did!

She heard the sound of the bedroom door closing softly behind her and she stifled a laugh in her hands. The advice she'd given Jack earlier in the evening flashed through her mind; _get some beers, get him alone and tell him how you feel._ Evidently Jack had done just that, though she couldn't understand exactly why the two of them had hidden in her room and slunk off instead of just letting her know they were in here getting wet and wild.

James glanced around. "You sure this was Kasumi?"

"I think it may have been Jack and Kaidan, though why they hid when we came in is beyond me." Rennah snorted softly. "Jack isn't exactly shy."

"Probably because Kasumi had their clothes, now that I think about it," James explained as though it were obvious, and chuckled when she looked surprised. "You didn't notice what she was holding outside? It was clothes, and I _definitely_ recognised Jack's leather jacket."

Shepard backed out of the bathroom and closed the door behind her. "Oh boy, Jack is going to kill her for this."

"Probably."

Shepard laughed and sauntered back to the bed. She slid her heels off and wriggled out of her pants, leaving them discarded on the floor as she cast James a smouldering look. The passionate heat that had spluttered out when she'd fallen off the bed earlier flickered to life as James finished undressing and she saw him in all his glory. Every single tanned and muscled inch of him was beautiful; he was glorious. He smirked as he came towards her, completely unabashed by his nakedness and basking in her appreciation.

"Like what you see, Lola?" he asked as he stretched out on the bed.

"Yes I do." Rennah crawled across the bed and settled between his legs. "In fact, you look good enough to _eat_."

She wrapped her hand around his hard length and took him in her mouth. He groaned as she swirled her tongue around his sensitive head, and swallowed him down inch by inch. Once she had all of him in her mouth she let him slide out. She repeated the process, letting her lips sink down over him as he thrust into her mouth, his hips leaving the bed in his eagerness to be as deep inside of her as he could.

"Rennah!" James gasped her name as her head bobbed up and down and she sucked him deeper and deeper into her mouth. "I want you and I can't fucking wait."

Shepard released him from her mouth and slithered up his body. She kissed and nibbled the hard planes of his chest and settled herself above him. He gazed up at her with low-lidded eyes that were dark with lust, and she leaned down to kiss him as she took him in her hand and guided him inside of her. James always felt bigger from this angle, and she lowered herself onto his erection carefully, letting him sink inside of her slowly. When at least her body was flush with his she began to move over him with slow rolls of her hips.

It felt so good to have him deep inside of her; a solid warmth that spread tingles of excitement all over her body. She watched him; her gaze raking across tattoos, scars, and muscles, and settling on his eyes as she rode him. The love in his eyes took her breath away, and she marvelled that she'd been lucky enough to find someone like him. Whatever mistakes she'd made in her life, James Vega was not one of them.

James groaned and cupped her breasts as she made love to him, shaping her flesh and rolling her nipples. Shepard shivered and arched her back as she began to move faster over him, bringing her hips down harder and squeezing him tightly inside of her. The air was filled with the sounds of their lovemaking; of soft moans and the slither of bodies of sheets. She could feel her release building inside of her, a tingling in her limbs and a warmth in her belly that fluttered through her body in waves.

Rennah bit her lip as James began thrusting up into her. His hands slid around her waist, anchoring her in place as the pleasure built. She could feel it thrumming through her as James' fingers flexed on her skin and his eyes closed tight. The sensation of him pounding into her from below, slick and wet, hard and hot, was finally too much, and the ecstasy burst within her like an atom bomb.

James cried out her name as he came, his own release as explosive as hers. Shepard kept moving for as long as she could, riding the crest of her pleasure until she finally collapsed onto his chest, shuddering as the bliss dragged her under. Somehow she found his lips and their mouths met in a sleepy, slow kiss as they basked in the afterglow of their love making.

"Wow," Shepard mumbled as she broke the kiss and slid a leg over his. "How do you manage to drive me so wild, Jimmy?"

"No idea." He held her close and traced patterns on her back with one hand. "But I have to admit that it does wonders for my ego knowing you got a tattoo for me."

She grinned into the crook of his neck and kissed his sweat slicked skin. "Don't let it go to your head, Vega."

"Never." James shifted and rested the top of his chin on her head, then pulled a sheet up to cover them. "Good night, Lola. I love you."

"I love you too, _Zvezda Moya_."

James' fingers briefly touched the tattoo on her neck, then he dropped a kiss on her forehead and turned off the lights.

* * *

 

**A/N – I hope you guys enjoyed that chapter!**

**Also, time for some shameless plugging – I wrote a oneshot James/femshep fic called The Game as part of the Mass Effect Big Bang. It (and the Jack/Kaidan spinoff Dark Horse) are on my account here, and I'd love if you took a look at them! :)**


	64. Turn To Stone

_Disclaimer: I don't own Mass Effect_

**A/N - A lot of people sent me well wishes for my kitty cat in the last chapter of Lights, and I just wanted to let people know that unfortunately he passed away. I'm still very sad, but he was an elderly kitty and it was his time. Thank you very much to everyone who sent me nice notes- I really appreciated it.**

**As always a big thank you to everyone who read and reviewed the last chapter: Sailorette, Commander Zoe, Jules Hawk, Nicniviean, Ela11, Anubis85, CandleintheNight, TLCinbflo, Blausen, Lady Velvet C Peterson and the guests. I really appreciate that you have stuck with me!**

* * *

James juggled both his and Shepard's morning rations in one hand as he opened the door to her cabin and peered in. It was just as empty now as it had been when he left earlier, and the bathroom door lock was still engaged. He still felt energised after the amazing time he'd had on shore leave, and had to resist the urge to whistle happily as he bounced in and closed the door behind him.

"Lola?" He knocked on the bathroom door and cast his eyes around her cabin; it was filthy. "I have your breakfast."

"Okay." Her voice sounded muffled and he heard the faucet switch on. "I won't be long."

James nodded and edged further into her room, his eyes missing nothing as they zoomed from one pile of clutter to another. The room was in disarray; clothes were scattered around the floor, the bed was unmade, and stacked data pads covered almost every available surface. He could see the Cerberus insignia on most of them and guessed that Shepard had been up late studying the all information on Cerberus that the Alliance had. Empty coffee mugs were testament to this, and James made a mental note to remind Shepard to return them to the mess.

He set her rations on her desk and jogged down the stairs with his own breakfast, then dropped onto her sofa and hungrily tore into a bar. As he ate, his mind slipped back to the previous morning after the Citadel party, when most of their friends had been hung over to varying degrees. The party had been fantastic, and everyone had enjoyed the previous night - though Shepard, Tali and Joker had obviously enjoyed themselves a little too much and all spent huge chunks of their morning in the bathroom being sick.

Jack and Kaidan had surfaced together from the guest bedroom later in the morning to a chorus of good natured teasing, but both biotics took it in their stride. James grinned as he remembered the mess they'd made in Shepard's bathroom; evidently they'd had a very good time together, and he was happy for them. He and Shepard had spent their own wild night together, and they'd ended up in her bedroom for most of the evening with some beers as they let their passions run wild.

It was one of the greatest night of his life. Not just because of all the fun with friends, or the amazing sex with Shepard, but because things felt different between them now. He couldn't say why, but he felt closer to Rennah than ever, and she was more open and loving with him than she had ever been before. A lot of her anger and instinctual defensiveness had fallen away over the last few weeks, and he felt like he was finally seeing the light-hearted Shepard that Garrus talked about so often.

The morning after the party Rennah had been incredibly sweet as they lay in bed together, laughing over stupid memories and holding each other. Dragging himself out of that bed and starting the day had been the hardest thing James had had to do in a long time; getting up meant returning to reality, and reality meant going back to the fight against Cerberus and the reapers. In the end Shepard prodded him until he got up, and suggested he cook everyone breakfast while she found some aspirin for her hangover.

Once everyone had their fill of greasy food, aspirin and coffee, they'd said a determinedly upbeat goodbye to their friends, and the crew returned to the ship to set course to the coordinates given to them by Hackett. Travel had taken most of the day, and when they'd arrived Shepard had met with Hackett behind closed doors. James hated being excluded, but he reminded himself time and again that Shepard would pass the details onto him when he needed to know.

He finished his second bar and stood up, his brown eyes focusing on the closed bathroom door. Today was going to be dangerous, any idiot could see that, and he hated that Shepard was going to throw herself in harms way again. He knew why she was doing it, and he respected her need for revenge, but after what Leng had done to her on Thessia he couldn't help but worry about what would happen when they came face to face. There was something about Kai Leng that shook Shepard to her very core.

_And what if it gets her killed?_

His muscles tensed up at the thought of Rennah being hurt, and James swallowed hard. The memories of what had happened the last time she'd fought that _freak_ Leng was enough to make his blood boil, and he shoved the rage down quickly. _Leng had barely been able to beat her while she was exhausted and injured_ , he reasoned, _if Shepard faced him on equal ground she would beat the living snot out of him._ _She was stronger than Leng; she had to be._

"Lola?" He moved back to the bathroom door and knocked again. "What on earth are you doing in there?"

"I'm getting dressed." The door unlocked and it opened a crack, and James saw her glance out through the gap. "Don't be shocked."

He frowned and his stomach turned nervously. "Don't be shocked at _what_?"

She opened the door the rest of the way and stepped out. Her long hair was tied tightly to the back of her head in a flattened bun, which left her face free of the black mane that normally framed it. James had a moment to think that Shepard was far too thin and her cheeks looked gaunt, then his attention was wrenched downwards; she was wearing Phantom armour.

"At this." She gestured to herself. "What do you think?"

His mouth fell open and tension jolted through his body, stiffening muscles as he curled his hands into fists. "What the fuck?"

It was all he could think of to say.

His mind froze up at the sight, and he was unable to process anything more that the sight of Shepard in Cerberus colours. It was a frightening sight, almost like a glimpse of what might have been if Cerberus had actually succeeded in indoctrinating her. James shuddered as his skin tried to crawl from his body and he stepped back on instinct.

"It's camouflage." She breezed past him and picked up one of her ration bars. "I told you I was taking in an infiltration team. This is part of our cover – the others are wearing them too."

_The others._

Realisation dawned on him and his fists clenched even tighter. "I'm not going with you," he stated flatly, wondering why Shepard hadn't bothered to tell him until now. Disappointment surged through him, and with difficulty he focused on what she was saying.

Shepard shook her head as she chewed. "No, well, kind of." She swallowed the mouthful and managed to smile. "I want you to take a second team in."

"Me?" Tension screamed through him again, and James struggled not to show any outward sign of the anxiety thrumming through his body. "You want me to lead a second team?"

"Of course."

Memories of Fehl Prime ripped through him on a painful wave; the faces of the comrades he'd lost, the innocent people he'd doomed with his actions, and the friends he'd let down. The last time he'd been put in charge of a team he'd fucked up big time – thousands had died for nothing. Even now, over a year later, the thought of Fehl still tore the heart from him, and James closed his eyes as he forced the painful memories to the back of his mind.

He swallowed hard and opened his eyes again. "Lola, I'm not sure … ."

"You're ready," she cut him off and reached out to take his hand. " _And_ you're an N7 now. If anyone is able to do this, it's you."

"What about Alenko? He's a Spectre. Isn't this more up his alley than mine?" His words sounded desperate even to him, and Shepard frowned.

"No, Kaidan and EDI are coming with me. Tech and biotics are going to be the most use on an infiltration team. I want you, Tali and Garrus on another team."

James took a deep breath. "Why us? Tali and Garrus are both skilled at tech, so why not swap one of them out for Kaidan?"

For a second Shepard looked embarrassed and she fidgeted with her Phantom armour, tugging at the unfamiliar gauntlets. "To be honest, we don't have any Cerberus armour that will fit them. Cerberus is human only, and there isn't anything that will fit a turian or quarian." Her eyes slipped down his form and she crossed her arms over her chest. "And before you ask, we also don't have any Cerberus armour that will fit you, and I'm _not_ sending Liara into battle again."

_At least she checked to see if the armour would fit before she turfed me off her team._

James shushed the bitter little voice and forced himself to look at this from a leaders point of view; he was an N7 marine and he could do this. There was no reason he couldn't. The very fact that Shepard trusted him enough to let him lead his own team spoke volumes for how much faith she had in him. Logically, splitting their forces into two teams made sense if they wanted to infiltrate the base and increase their chances of making it in.

Of course, the very fact that she needed two teams raised one big question: what did she need a second team for?

He looked into her perfectly calm eyes and swallowed the last of his fear; _he could do this_. "Okay, so what do you need us to do?"

She smiled. "I need a distraction."

"A distraction?" Surprised, he cocked his head to one side.

"Yep," Shepard confirmed and stepped closer, sashaying her hips in the slinky Phantom armour. "Think you can make a few things go _BOOM_ and keep their eyes on you? It'll be dangerous."

_It would be dangerous, but she trusted him to do it and come out alive._

James nodded and slowly smiled. "I think I can manage to keep them distracted long enough for you to do what needs to be done."

"Excellent." She squeezed his hand and leaned in for a kiss, her lips soft and warm against his. When she pulled away he could see how proud she was of him facing his fears. "You should suit up. I'm going to contact Tali and Garrus."

He frowned and watched as she opened up her omni-tool. "Wait," he interrupted and put a hand out to stop her. "You want me to get suited up now? I thought the attack wasn't starting for another eight hours."

"Hackett moved up the timeline for the attack, probably in an attempt to throw off any moles in the ranks. Everything is being done at the last minute." Shepard let her own irritation show on her face before she shrugged. "It's his show. I'll need you to organise our weapons too; the infiltration time will need lightweight weapons that are small and silent, and EDI and I will need sniper rifles."

"And my team?"

Shepard's mouth curved into a wicked little smile and James' heart beat a little faster. "Big guns and lots of explosives."

He grinned and caught her to him for another kiss. "Ah Lola, you always know exactly what to say."

She cuddled against him and James held her tightly, breathing in her scent and letting himself be in the moment. Holding her felt so right. No matter what else they faced in the coming days he would be forever grateful that he'd had these months with her, and if they made it through he'd do everything in his power to make sure they stayed together.

He wanted to stay by her side and love her for the rest of his life.

James' eyes opened in surprise and he stared at the open bathroom door in a daze as he realised that he wanted to ask Rennah to marry him. He'd been in love with her for months now, and his feelings for her were only growing stronger. Shepard felt the same way for him _;_ she told him how much she loved him at least once a day, and she even had a tattoo on her body to represent him and the impact he'd had on her life.

He tightened his arms around her and swallowed nervously as he thought of actually getting down on one knee and proposing. The thought was exciting and terrifying at the same time. His own parents had had a less than ideal marriage, and as a young man he'd sworn that he'd never get married … but he _wanted_ to ask Rennah. He wanted them to wear rings as a symbol of their love, and he wanted to watch her walk down the aisle in a white dress.

James let out his breath slowly and dropped a kiss on top of Rennah's head. _Tonight_ , he decided, _after the attack on Cerberus, I'll bring it up and see what she thinks of the idea._

Maybe it was wishful thinking, but he had a good feeling about asking Rennah to be his partner.

All he had to do was make it through the day.

* * *

The sight of Shepard in Phantom armour, EDI in Nemesis armour and Kaidan in Dragoon armour was chilling enough that James had a hard time not staring at them. When they put their masks on and their faces were hidden it was even worse. Shepard lounged in the shuttle troop deck, twirling the monomolecular blade that she'd taken off a Phantom on Horizon and looking far too casual. Every now and again she glanced over at him, and time and again James had to bite back the urge to ask her to take the mask off.

It was _too_ creepy.

"You okay over there?" Shepard asked as she moved to sit beside him, her voice amused.

He tried to smile, but it froze around the edges. "It's just a little unnerving seeing you like that."

"I'll second that," Garrus muttered and leaned forward to glare at Shepard. "You could have warned us all you were wearing _that,_ you know."

"Sorry." She shrugged. "Hackett's orders. But I have to admit it feels weird wearing it. Really wrong." She fidgeted with the tracking beacon was on her wrist, a small grey bump which would help the Alliance HUD's identify her as a friendly. "Just try not to shoot any of us."

This time James' smile was genuine. "I'll make sure Vakarian plugs any Phantom's we see with concussive rounds, that way if we do shoot you it won't kill you right away."

The turian snorted and grinned. "A few concussive rounds won't hurt you much, hey Shepard? It'll be like old times on Omega."

James looked from one to the other; he had no idea what they were talking about.

"Oh that's really reassuring, thank you very much for that." She pulled her mask off and rolled her eyes at the turian. Her skin was flushed and stray hairs were already stuck to her face. She looked back at James. "Just be careful. You guys have the dangerous part of the job; every Cerberus soldier in the base is going to come running once you start making a racket."

"We'll be fine." James raised his eyebrows cockily and squashed the nervous flutters in his stomach. "You just make sure you take out the security measures in case they have any nasty surprises for us."

Shepard opened her mouth to answer but EDI beat her to it. "That's why I'm here, Lieutenant Vega." The nemesis mask glinted under the light as she walked towards them, hefting her sniper rifle. "All security measures will be neutralised."

Shepard exchanged a look with James and he saw her shiver. "Yeah," she murmured slowly. "I get why you look so terrified whenever I glance at you with my mask on. These things are a bit freaky looking."

Garrus laughed. " _Freaky looking_? Spirits, Shepard! That's an understatement."

The shuttle shuddered slightly and Shepard braced herself. "Okay, enough chitchat. I want to go over things one last time." She brought up a holographic display on her omni-tool that showed a basic layout of Cronos Station. "We'll be landing in the docking bay here," she tapped a point on the hologram and it zoomed in, "which is where James' team is going to start their diversion. EDI, Kaidan and I will disembark from the shuttle cloaked and we'll shut down the security protocols before we make our way to the control room."

James nodded and glanced at Tali and Garrus. "We're going to concentrate on causing maximum damage in the shuttle bay to keep them busy. If we get lucky we might even destroy a few ships. It'll keep their attentions on us for sure, and once we've cleared the troops from the docking bay we'll follow you and mop up any strays."

"Good." She nodded and closed the display. "It won't be an easy fight, and we're going to be six people against God knows how many Cerberus troops, but we have the element of surprise on our side and between us we have more combat experience than most of their indoctrinated troops combined."

"We'll be fine, Shepard," Tali piped up. "Lieutenant Vega's plan is excellent."

"Good." Shepard pulled her mask back on.

The shuttle shuddered again and, without saying a word, Rennah reached across and took his hand. James squeezed her fingers gently and his love for her swirled in his chest; a rush of warmth that filled him with a sense of calm. He was still nervous as hell about taking a team into combat, but knowing that Shepard had faith in him made him feel a lot better.

_And if we make it through today then I can ask her about the future. Properly. No beating around the bush. I'll just ask her about marriage and see what she says._

Even the thought of it made his heart beat a little faster.

"We're coming in now, Commander. Cerberus is all over the docking bay, so be prepared for some heavy resistance," Cortez called from the front of the shuttle.

As if to prove his point the shuttle veered sharply and they heard the rattle of projectiles hitting the side of it. Shepard nodded and got to her feet, and the rest of them followed suit. As he stood up James caught a glimpse of the Cronos Station docking bay looming dead ahead of them, but it swung from view as Cortez banked to avoid more fire. He turned back as Shepard tagged EDI and Kaidan and gestured for them to move to the back of the shuttle to give James and his team room.

She started to step away and without thinking James caught her arm and swung her towards him. In a quick movement he pushed her mask back up and brought his mouth crashing down on hers, kissing her fiercely and deeply as he held her close. He half expected her to push away or berate him for doing something like this in full view of the others on a mission, but she didn't; she kissed him back.

When she finally stepped away her mouth curved into a smile as she pulled her mask back down. "I'll take another one of those when we get back, Jimmy."

"Yes ma'am." He smirked and pulled his helmet on, sealing it in place.

James started to turn away from Shepard when he realised every pair of eyes in the room was fixed on him, and heat rushed to his face. Kaidan stifled what sounded suspiciously like a laugh, and Tali leaned over to Garrus and prodded him sharply with one finger.

"Why didn't you kiss me like that this morning?" she hissed not-so-quietly to the turian, her liquid voice loud in the awkward silence.

"What? But I … I mean … Dammit." Garrus ducked his head and his cheeks darkened as he flushed. "Could you have said that any louder?"

James grinned and his own embarrassment dried up in record time; evidently the stress of the coming battle had affected more than just himself and Rennah, _and_ Jack and Kaidan at the party. He'd had no idea that Tali and Garrus had hooked up, but it wasn't surprising given the turian's crush on the cute little quarian.

The shuttle set down with a bump and the smile melted off his face as everyone finished locking their helmets in place and broke into two teams.

"Let's do this. First team, we're ready when you are." Shepard's voice was iron as she switched to Commander-mode.

"Okay, we're moving out," he told her.

James drew his shotgun as Tali and Garrus moved up either side of him with their weapons drawn. Garrus opened the hatch without being asked, and stepped back as the sounds of klaxons and warning sirens, deafening loud, slammed into the shuttle. The docking bay was in chaos; Cerberus troops and Atlas mechs were swarming towards them and James wasted no time as he leapt out of the shuttle with his team and made for a large stack of crates to one side.

He prepped a smoke grenade and lobbed it over the top, providing what he hoped would be enough cover for Shepard her infiltration team to get out of the shuttle and begin their assault.

"You guys ready?" he asked his team as he tightened one hand on his shotgun.

"Absolutely." Garrus confirmed and Tali nodded her agreement.

"Good!" James pulled a cluster grenade, primed it and tossed it over the top. He grinned as it exploded and he heard the screams of injured troopers. "Now let's give them hell and make Cerberus regret ever messing with the Normandy."

* * *

**A/N - Rennah comes face to face with Kai Leng in the next chapter - yup. I'm going to enjoy this. Thanks for reading - the next chapter should be up soon!**


	65. Drop Dead / Celebration

_Disclaimer: I don't own Mass Effect_

**A/N – Well, here it is - the chapter where Leng and Rennah go toe to toe again! Thank you very much to my followers and to the people who review. You know I love it! I hope this chapter doesn't disappoint**!

* * *

The engineer knelt behind what he must have thought was great cover and attempted to set up a turret with hands that visibly trembled. _Yeah, you should be scared,_ Rennah thought as she lined the scope's crosshairs up with his head and pulled the trigger. Her shot shattered the silence and the Black Widow recoiled had enough to make her grunt, but the engineer's head exploded into a fine red mist and she grinned. His body twitched as it slumped forward onto the turret base and bits of bone and red globs of flesh rained down around him

"Let's move," she ordered as she stowed the rifle and drew her pistol.

Kaidan nodded from his post by the door. "Right behind you, Commander."

She snorted softly as she fell in beside Kaidan and they followed EDI through the narrow winding hallways. They passed through room after room of offices and laboratories before they were finally stopped by a locked security door. Frustrated at yet another delay, Shepard took up a watch post as EDI set to work hacking the security and Kaidan activated a nearby terminal.

Thanks to EDI's knowledge of Cerberus protocol they had disabled several of Cronos Station's main security programs prior to leaving the shuttle bay, but, even taking that into account, Shepard had been expecting more resistance once their secret was out. And Cerberus _had_ to know they were on the station and running around in their armour by now. The only possible reason for them meeting so little resistance was that James and his team were doing a far better job at creating a diversion than she'd hoped.

_Too good?_

Rennah frowned and shut that line of thought down.

Thanks to the comm chatter she knew the second team had successfully destroyed two of Cerberus' shuttles before they'd moved further into the facility to wreak havoc. But she hadn't heard anything in a while; the open band they'd been eavesdropping on had been abandoned, so Rennah had no idea where they were or what they were doing. Her mind, in painfully graphic detail, presented her with images of James dead, injured or captured, and she brushed them away angrily; she couldn't afford to get distracted.

James would be fine.

He had to be.

"Commander?" Kaidan moved up beside her with an oddly hesitant tone in his voice. "I think you should see the terminal. Cerberus tried to scrub most of the data but they missed some and … ," he broke off and cleared his throat awkwardly. "Well, it's about you."

She frowned. "About me?"

"It contains information on the Lazarus Project," EDI chimed in helpfully as she continued to work on the hack, "and on the role they hoped you'd play in the Phantom Initiative."

Rennah glanced down at the Phantom armour she was wearing and repressed a shudder; she wasn't sure she wanted to know what they'd been planning to do with her. But she knew she'd never forgive herself if she didn't at least take a peak at the files.

"Thanks." She stepped back and holstered her pistol. "Kaidan stay on guard. EDI, how much long will you be?"

"Not long," EDI nodded at her reassuringly. "A few minutes at most. We have time."

Reassured, Rennah stepped up to the terminal and scanned through the files; sure enough the terminal still contained the fragments of several Project Lazarus logs. She played through them one by one but discovered nothing that she hadn't already known or suspected, including Cerberus' deliberate recruitment of people she would trust. She'd often mused that Chakwas and Jokers' presence on the SR2-Normandy was more than a coincidence, but having her paranoid fears confirmed wasn't exactly reassuring.

"Are you okay?" Kaidan asked by the door, concerned.

She nodded and glanced at him over her shoulder. "Yeah. It's nothing I didn't already know. And at least we know I'm definitely not a clone."

"No, but you _were_ dead. Cerberus really brought you back." He made his way towards her, apparently confidant enough that there weren't any Cerberus troopers in the area to abandon his post.

She scoffed. "You knew that already."

"Kind of. I mean, yeah, I knew that, you did tell me, but hearing them discuss the odds of bringing you back and their progress reports as they did it is terrifying." Kaidan stumbled over his words and his voice behind his mask almost cracked with stress. "Some part of me always thought that you must have been close to dead but still alive. But you were in … ." his voice dried up and he wrung his hands.

"Bits?" she supplied, trying to lighten the mood.

Kaidan sighed and Rennah could imagine the unimpressed look he was giving her. "I'm just glad they brought you back without modifying _you_."

"Me too." She turned back to the console and opened up some messages and entries that the Illusive Man himself had made about her involvement in the Phantom Initiative.

His notes were short, blunt and to the point, and she scanned through them with a growing sense of rage. Her hands gripped the console as she read about her suitability for indoctrination, especially given her frequent exposure to reaper tech during missions. Rennah ground her teeth as log after log implied that despite her excellent combat abilities and battlefield expertise, her real usefulness would be as a figurehead for Cerberus.

Her role in their plans tumbled out as she poked through the logs; they didn't only want her in the Phantom Initiative because of her skills as an N7 biotic, they wanted her there to _lead_ them. By The Illusive Man's reasoning, if they'd been able to indoctrinate her it would have been a loss to the Alliance and to the council, and humanity would have rallied behind the woman who had saved them so many times before. She gripped the console so hard it buckled; she'd seen what they'd done to the innocent people on Horizon! God know only knows what they would have done if they'd been able to undermine the Alliance and seize power on Earth.

"That son of a bitch," Rennah snarled and closed the final log with a growl, slamming her hand down on the console. The rage felt good as it coursed through her veins; like an old friend she hadn't seen in a long time. "I'd have died before I let them use me like that." Her biotics flared and she clenched her teeth. "I thought they just wanted me on their side to get the most from their investment and to get me out of the way. But not for _this_."

"I know, Ren. It would have been Horizon on a massive scale." Kaidan put a hand out on her arm and it took everything in her not to flinch away. She burned with fury and didn't want anyone to calm her down. "But they failed and we're here now. They'll pay."

There was a cold anger in his voice which surprised her, and Rennah drew in a deep calming breath before she answered, "You're right."

He _was_ right; they would pay.

There was a pleasant beep from the doors and EDI stepped back as they opened, her timing so perfect that Shepard knew it was deliberate. She folded her rage about her like a cloak and moved to the doors with Kaidan by her side, then drew her gun and readied herself for the final push. All they had to do now was get to the main control centre, take out the guards and retrieve the data that Kai Leng had stolen.

Easy.

Except … _Leng_.

A prickle of unease rippled across Shepard's skin and her rage followed hot on its heels, as though the fear and anger went hand in hand. She determinedly pushed the feelings aside as she always had in the past, locking them deep down where they couldn't distract her. Compartmentalising had always worked for her; it let her put the confusing, hurtful, scary things to the side so she could focus on the mission. It was how she coped with the terrible things she saw and did while she fought.

But not this time.

This time the fear and rage leaked over as though they were unwilling to be ignored any longer. Rennah sighed; it was impossible to pretend that she wasn't scared of Leng. Not scared because of any of the things he'd done to her, but because of what he _could_ have done. He'd touched her, licked her and spoken to her like she was a thing, but it was everything he hadn't done and everything he'd implied that wriggled under her skin.

She could still remember that _tone_ in his voice when he'd spoken to her; so pleased with himself and his power over her. Because of him, her mission on Thessia to retrieve the data had been a giant waste of time and the reapers had steamrolled over the asari just as they had the turians and humans. He'd stolen the data from right under her nose and laughed about it.

Rennah clenched her teeth as she pushed on along the corridors, hoping Leng would turn up so she could have another go at him, but dreading it too. Her anger thrummed through her body, igniting her biotics and sending a rippling light over her skin. Kaidan and EDI followed close and every now and again she saw Kaidan glance at her in concern. It was annoying. _I'm fine_ , she wanted to scream at him, _I'm just angry!_ But somehow she controlled herself.

They snuck down another corridor and through a security door which opened up into a huge cavernous space at the very heart of the facility. Rennah slowly came to a stop as she came the door and her footfalls echoed ominously through the room. The rest of her team ground to a halt beside her and Kaidan let out a low whistle as he caught sight of what had stopped her in her tracks; the human reaper from the Collector Base.

He drew in a ragged breath. "Shepard, what the _hell_ is that thing?"

"The human reaper I fought on the Collector base." She moved to the edge of the platform and clasped the railing as she stared at it. "I thought it was destroyed."

The reaper was in pieces; a heart, the skull, part of an arm. Enough to be recognisable as the reaper she'd fought but not enough to be recognisable to anyone who hadn't seen it in its original form.

"You blew up the Collector Base, didn't you?" Kaidan asked as he joined her at the railing.

Rennah tore her eyes off the reaper and glanced at him. "I thought I had." She tapped his arm and nodded at the gangway that led to a ladder. "C'mon, we need to keep moving."

"Yeah." He reluctantly followed as she trotted past the broken hunks of reaper. "I just … it feels like it's watching me. I can't believe you fought this."

Shepard holstered her pistol and started up the ladder, glancing down at EDI and Kaidan below. "Well, I had help," she told him. "Garrus and Jack were with me for the final fight."

Kaidan made a choking sound and Rennah grinned; she would have _killed_ to see the expression on his face at that bit of news. "Jack took this thing on with you?" He swore under his breath and followed her up the ladder. "She's crazier than I thought."

"Almost as crazy as me," she joked as she reached the top and leaned down to give him a hand up.

He paused at the top and looked from her to the reaper, then he sighed. "I wish I'd been there to help you when you took this on."

"You're here now, Kaidan. That's what matters."

"Yeah, and wearing Cerberus colours too." Kaidan glanced down at himself and chuckled. "My nightmare made reality."

"You and I wearing Cerberus colours was your nightmare?" Rennah asked, gesturing to the reaper remnants. "You need to get your priorities straight."

He glanced over and shuddered. "Yeah, I take your point."

EDI joined them and they set off again, leaving the mangled reaper behind as they made their way through winding corridors and faced a show of resistance that was token at best. The soldiers coming at them were little more than cannon fodder; unskilled and next to useless. The occasional Phantom and Engineer, complete with turrets, was the only real resistance they met, and even they didn't last long against them.

At the back of her mind Rennah's rage seethed; _these were innocent people they'd indoctrinated,_ she thought angrily as she snapped one trooper's neck and flung his body into the man behind him. _Refugees that had fled to Sanctuary looking for refuge and had instead been made into Cerberus' science projects._

And she was killing them.

By the time they reached The Illusive Man's inner sanctuary, her anger was like a live thing twisting inside of her; hot and ferocious as it trembled in her veins. Kaidan got the door and Rennah entered carefully, her violet eyes moving this way and that as she scanned the vicinity for threats and found none. The room was exactly as she'd imagined it would be; a perfect little isolated domain for the king of Cerberus. Huge viewing windows dominated one wall and gave a breathtaking view of the battle being fought outside as Alliance warships clashed with Cerberus. Silent explosions sparkled in the dark, reflected perfectly in the black tiled floor as she came to a stop and fumed.

The Illusive Man was gone _._

"EDI, interface with the system and locate the stolen data and Prothean VI. Kaidan, keep an eye out," Rennah barked orders and strode around the room to peer at the consoles and screens. In the centre of the room, with a grand view of his kingdom, was _his chair_ and she sneered as she sat down in it. _This_ _was where he'd sat smoking and drinking every time he contacted her; arrogantly cool even as he lied to her face time and again._

"What an asshole," she muttered under her breath and ripped off the Phantom mask.

"Now that isn't very kind, Shepard." The Illusive Man's voice echoed through the room and she whirled around in the chair as his hologram flickered to life in the center of the room. "Especially after everything I did for you."

She was on her feet with her gun pointed at him before she realised what she'd done, and with an effort she lowered her weapon and smiled coldly. "Don't make me laugh, you didn't do anything for me. You did everything for yourself."

"True enough." He paced agitatedly despite his casual tone. "But Cerberus did bring you back - you should be grateful."

" _Miranda_ brought me back." Shepard countered. "You just funded the project; probably one of the last good decisions you made before you lost your mind." She stalked towards him and her anger burned in her chest. "Cerberus is finished. You're finished."

To her surprise he smirked. "On the contrary Shepard, we've achieved almost all of our goals." There was pause and his sick little smile widened. "Thanks to you and the prothean VI." He chuckled as she curled her hands into fists. "I really should thank _you_ properly; without your help we never would have accomplished all we did."

She spat at his feet, repulsed. "I saw what you did on Horizon. It was sick, but making a husk isn't the same thing as controlling a Reaper."

"It's a start."

"But will it be enough?" Rennah uncurled her fists and took a calming breath as, for a moment, the surety left his eyes. "After all," she purred and stepped closer. "You couldn't even control _me_."

"An oversight," he murmured. "A mistake." The Illusive Man's gaze flicked over to where EDI was working at the control panel. "Just as EDI was. Both of you had the potential to be so much more than what you were, but you disappointed me."

Rennah opened her mouth to reply, but EDI beat her to it. "Disappointing you was a pleasure," she remarked casually and glanced behind her with a twinkle in her eyes. "Shepard, I have the Prothean VI online."

"Good." Shepard stepped back from the hologram and barely held her anger in check as he smiled calmly. "I'll be coming for you soon," she told him.

He laughed. "It will be too late. I already have the Catalyst and soon I'll have the reapers too." His hologram flickered as she moved away. "Enjoy your chat Shepard, but don't stay too long."

With a final smarmy nod in her direction, his image flickered and vanished.

"I really hope you get to kill him," Kaidan remarked dryly as he pulled his helmet off. "He's got it coming."

Rennah nodded and whirled around to interrogate the VI, which she found to be far less frustrating to deal with than she had back on Thessia. With its security protocols down it coughed up the information she wanted; that the Catalyst was in fact the Citadel.

"We need to tell Hackett." Kaidan flipped open his omni-tool to open a secure comm channel. "The Citadel needs to be protected."

The VI interrupted them with the kind of tact that Javik demonstrated on a day to day basis. "That may not be possible," it informed them. "The Illusive Man fled to the Citadel when he learned of its true purpose and informed the reapers of the Alliance's plans for the Crucible."

"What?" The news hit her like a punch to the stomach. "Then we have to take it back!"

"The Citadel has already been moved to reaper controlled space," it continued. "To the system you call Sol."

Kaidan started visibly. "Earth?"

The VI nodded. "Yes. The chances of you retaking it are … _slim_."

"But not impossible." Rennah drew her gun and caught Kaidan's attention. "Inform Hackett of what we learned. We have to get to Earth and retake the Citadel."

"Got it."

Kaidan opened a channel to Hackett and EDI moved back to the console to pull more data from the system. Rennah was about to join her when movement caught her eye and something small and black flicked across the floor. _A grenade?_ She thought stupidly a second before it went off in an electrical flash of light and sparks. The consoles flickered and went dead, and she raised her gun as a figure stepped into view by the open door.

"Leng," Rennah growled.

He drew his sword and dropped into a fighting pose, a small little smile playing around his mouth. "The Illusive Man did warn you not to loiter." His voice was the same mocking drawl she remembered, thick with contempt as he scuttled forward a few steps. "Lucky for me, you hung around."

"Shepard?" Kaidan moved nearby, his biotics flaring as he activated a barrier.

"He's mine." She kept her eyes on Leng, and with her free hand she drew her blade. "Contact Hackett and deal with anyone else who comes through those doors."

"Shall do." He moved back with EDI as Leng laughed.

"I'm yours?" The Cerberus assassin chuckled and, with a flourish, peeled off his visor and tossed it to the ground as he fixed his soulless grey eyes on her. "Oh no, you're the one who's going to be _mine_."

He moved towards her in a blur of speed that Rennah expected, and she met him with a Charge of her own. Her biotics thrummed through her veins as she smashed into him and sent him reeling back; adrenaline flooding her body. He staggered, momentarily off-balance, but managed to duck out of the way of her attack and the biotic charge shattered a floor tile instead. 

Leng flung himself towards her; his face twisting with hate as she avoided his flurry of blows and smashed her elbow into his mouth. He spat blood on the ground and dropped low as he shot around her in a ripple of blue biotics. This time she was too slow to dodge and he landed a palm blast on her face, the pain seared along her skin. Rennah swore and leapt away, only just catching sight of his sword arcing towards her.

It cut through the air with a sharp whistle and she threw herself sideways, missing being sliced and diced by the narrowest of margins. Shepard landed badly and Leng advanced on her. He brought his sword down again, and though she had time to block with her own weapon, she wasn't able to get to her feet. The blades grated together in a shriek of metal and blue sparks, and Leng, obviously counting on superior strength and position, pressed down. His sword slid along her blade and the tip stopped perilously close to her face.

_No!_

Rennah used all her strength to lever her blade upwards and keep the tip of his away from her, but he was strong and her position meant that she didn't have the leverage she needed. _I have to get off the floor_ , she thought frantically as the blade edged closer. Leng laughed as she flared her biotics in desperation and pushed outwards with her power, but the smile vanished from his face as she Charged out from under him and his sword stabbed into empty space.

"Dammit!" he growled and whirled to face her. "Stay still so I can cut you again. I want to see you bleed."

Rennah dropped into a fighting stance as her biotic energy curled through the air around her. "Fuck that."

She charged again and slammed into Leng as he threw up a barrier, and their biotics collided in a brilliant blue flash. Rennah pressed forward and Leng gave a few inches as he stumbled back. His barrier was holding, but her charge was so strong that he couldn't keep his feet as she threw all her power into breaking through his biotics. Their power glowed around them, dancing over their skin, and she grit her teeth as she directed all that energy, _all that rage,_ at him.

Their eyes clashed and with a surge of pleasure Rennah realised there was something in them other than cocky surety; something timid and weak. A smile slashed across her face and her biotics tore into his, shattering his barrier as Kai Leng blanched; fear darkening his eyes. He hadn't thought she could beat him. He hadn't thought she was stronger than him. The bastard had been so sure of himself that he'd come into this fight blindly and without taking into account how much stronger and faster she was with two eyes and all her energy.

Through the battle haze and pumping adrenaline, Rennah sensed movement and heard gunfire as Cerberus troops clashed with Alliance. Part of her registered that James and his team were there, but she spared them no more than a moment's thought as she focused on beating the snot out of Leng. With a brilliant flash his barrier gave way completely and she slammed into him; the force of her charge carrying them across the room and into the far wall.

Leng howled as his armour buckled under the force and a series of sickening snaps sounded as bones cracked in his chest. Rennah rammed a fist forward and hit him straight in the face with a Supernova - the bright flash illuminating his crazed expression as the energy slashed across his skin. Without missing a beat she brought her knee up into his groin and, when he roared with pain and doubled over, she flicked out her Omni-blade. She wrenched him upright and buried the blade deep into his chest.

The sensation of her blade slicing through him was _almost_ better than sex; it cut through his armour, flesh and bones like butter, and he jerked and screamed as she rammed it in up to the hilt. The tip of the blade grated against the wall, and she twisted it sideways as she pulled it free.

It felt good.

Blood splattered across the floor as Leng shoved her away with surprising strength, but Rennah went with it and used the momentum to step back into a crouch and spring forward yet again. She directed the full force of her biotics into a roundhouse kick and rammed her boot into his neck; crushing his windpipe. Satisfaction rolled through her as his throat crumpled under the force of her kick and he let out a garbled cry.

Leng scrabbled at his throat and dropped to his knees, letting out sounds that were a cross between screams and a wheezing choke. Rennah smiled before she could stop herself, a smile which she suspected looked almost as crazy as his had back on Thessia. The thought shook her, and she tried to feel _something_ for him as he writhed on the ground, making pitiful noises and gasping for breath.

She _wanted_ to feel sorry for him, to pity him and what he'd let Cerberus do to his mind and body, but the only thing she felt was a warm flush of deep satisfaction as she drew her pistol and aimed it at his head.

"Wait ... ," he choked and held up a hand. His face was burned and charred from her Nova, and blood dribbled from his nose and mouth. "I can ... get you ... information ... ."

Rennah let the cold smile slide back across her face as she pressed the barrel of her pistol against his head, letting him feel the cool metal on his skin as she met his eyes. "No."

She pulled the trigger.

* * *

**A/N – I hope you enjoyed that! The next chapter should be up soon and will involve James asking Rennah something** _**very** _ **important! ^_^**


	66. And All That Could Have Been

_Disclaimer: I don't own Mass Effect_

**A/N – *does an excited dance* Thank you so much to those who read or reviewed the last chapter! I'm really excited for this chapter – I hope you guys enjoy it as much as I did writing it! This chapter is dedicated to the lovely Jules Hawk - Happy Birthday and thanks for everything!  
**

* * *

Cronos Station heaved and trembled, groaning like a dying beast as it came apart at the seams.

James sprinted along a corridor which shuddered and bucked under his feet. Sweat poured off him and his muscles ached, protesting the abuse he was putting them through. But all those months of working out and muscle building were coming in handy now. Heavy armour was called heavy armour for a reason, and he was damned glad that he had the bulk and stamina to keep moving despite the weight.

"Vega! Over here!" Garrus signalled from further up the hallway, his armour charred and splashed with blood. Tali stood next to him, her hands trembling as she ejected a thermal clip form her shotgun.

James paused for a second when he reached them, his chest heaving a he sucked in air, but the shouts and sounds of pursuit were grew louder behind him, and with a groan he signalled for them to move out. "Keep moving."

"Oh, Keelah!" Tali whispered, but she kept up with them.

They hurried along the gangways and twisted corridors as quickly and quietly as they could; shimmying up emergency ladders and using side corridors where possible. Finally, they turned into a main corridor and James led them along at a punishing pace, pushed onwards by the burning desire to catch up to the first team. Ahead of them, a pipe broke free from its mooring and crashed down across their path, spewing hot steam.

" _Mierda_!" James swore as the steam billowed up around him and he leapt backwards out of the burning cloud. His armour protected him from most of the heat, but it was unpleasantly warm.

Garrus backpedalled and pulled Tali away from the hissing steam, the look on his face grim as the sounds of pursuit grew closer. James consulted his omni-tool and led them through another side corridor; sending a silently thanks to EDI for having provided him with a detailed map. Without it he wouldn't have known where he was, let alone how to get to the main chamber.

Behind them came an assortment of yells as their pursuers encountered the steam pipe and James paused, half-listening to the tumble of conflicting orders being shouted as he planted sticky mines on the path behind them.

"Which way?" Garrus asked when James caught up, his dual-toned voice tight with stress.

James consulted the map again. "We need to get back onto that main corridor and continue straight-"

An explosion sounded, distant but bad enough that the entire station seemed to quake. James put a hand out to steady himself as the ground rocked and steam began to hiss from small fissures in the pipes around them. An explosion of that magnitude could only have been from a ship ramming the station and its Eezo core exploding; which meant the station was going to get flooded with Element Zero particles.

James closed his omni-tool and pushed away from the wall. "Come on," he told the others. "We need to hurry."

He led them on, his hands clutching his gun tightly to his chest. So far everything had gone to plan; better than he'd planned actually. They'd planted explosives on two Cerberus shuttles and detonated them before they'd been chased from the shuttle bay and into the guts of the facility. They'd caused more trouble there; managing to stay ahead of the Cerberus troops who were, in James' opinion, unskilled and ill-equipped.

The only time he'd felt anxious was when they'd come across a partially scrubbed terminal containing information on Shepard and the Lazarus Project. Like an idiot, he hadn't been able to resist reading through part of it, and what he'd seen had shaken him to his core. He'd known she was clinically dead when they found her, and that Cerberus had brought her back, but he hadn't understood exactly what that meant.

He did now.

The images and vids attached to the files had been the worst - she'd been little more than meat.

James clenched his jaw so tight it hurt, and he forced himself to push the images away. He didn't want to see her like that every time he closed his eyes. He didn't want to see the step by step images of what they'd done to rebuild her - replacing eyes, rebuilding limbs, injecting nanobots to repair her vital organs and get them functioning again. He couldn't fathom how they'd brought her back when she'd been gone, but he clung to the fact that they had.

Rennah Shepard was real, warm and alive.

They made it back to the main hallway and James forced them on, his heart pounding in his chest as they approached the heart of the facility and the headquarters of the Illusive Man. The sounds of fighting from inside the room were deafeningly loud and James didn't hesitate as he opened the door and his team poured inside.

Chaos reigned; Phantoms and Cerberus troopers seemed to be everywhere. James saw Kaidan and EDI fighting on the far side of the room as the troops converged on them. He looked about wildly and caught sight of Shepard and Leng trading blows. She Charged across the room in a blur; smashing into Leng and knocking him backwards. They clashed like wildcats as they fought; slashing and dodging.

James ripped his attention away from them; Shepard could handle Leng, it was Alenko and EDI that needed help. His decision made, he charged across the room and joined the fray with Tali and Garrus by his side.

The fight was short, nasty and brutal. The Phantoms fought dirty and it took all of James' concentration to track their movements whenever they came at him. The five of them settled into a rhythm; EDI and Tali distracted them with tech and drones while he worked with Garrus and Kaidan to take them out with attacks and firepower. Finally, the last Phantom went down and silence swept over the room.

The flicking light of the sun and the burning ships listing around Cronos Station gave the room an eerie feel as James ordered the others to double check the bodies and made his way to Shepard. She stood as still as a statue as she looked down at the body in front of her, a gun in one hand and her bloodstained omni-blade glowing by her side. Leng lay in a pool of blood at her feet and, as he drew closer, James could see a bullet hole in his forehead and a bloody stain on his armour.

He wasn't going to be getting up again.

"Lola?" He spoke quietly as he stepped up beside her, unsure if he was intruding on something private.

Shepard blinked at the sound of his voice and glanced around as though waking from her dream. Her eyes found his and her face softened. "James." She stepped towards him and, in one motion, pulled him close. It was a quick embrace, a pressing of her body against his, and then she was gone; stalking towards the monitors and terminals that took up the room. "EDI, I want copies of all data - prioritise finding anything that will help us get the Catalyst back-"

"Cerberus has the Catalyst?" James broke in, half-jogging to catch up with her.

Shepard nodded. "The Illusive Man discovered the Catalyst _is_ the Citadel and passed the information onto the Reapers-"

"What! The Citadel _is_ the Catalyst?" Garrus almost dropped his sniper rifle, but Shepard hardly missed a beat as she swept by him.

"Yes, and according to the Prothean VI the reapers have already moved the Citadel to the Sol system," she holstered her handgun and dragged her hands over her face. "I need to talk to Hackett. EDI?"

"Yes, Shepard?" EDI stepped forward, her eyes bright and alert.

"Can you upload data on the Normandy or do you need to stay here?"

She shook her head. "The data can be uploaded remotely."

"Good." Shepard tapped out a message on her omni tool, waited for a reply, and sighed when it came. "Hackett wants us back on the Normandy. Upper brass are meeting in a few hours to decide the next course of action." She rolled her shoulders and cracked her neck. "I'm not going to try to guess what they'll decide to do, but until we get our orders I want every member of this party resting up."

The team members made suitable replies and left, Garrus keeping one arm around Tali who looked just about ready to keel over. Shepard walked back over to Kai Leng and retrieved his sword, her eyes unreadable as she slung the blade down her back. _A trophy?_ James wondered. His stomach churned as she crossed the room back to him, his mind circling round and round as he faced the fact that she'd been _dead_. Something must have shown on his face as she drew closer, and she paused and looked at him questioningly.

"James? Are you-?"

He kissed her before she could finish, hauling her into his arms as he reassured himself that she was _fine_. She wasn't just so much meat on a slab or a clone that they'd built in a vat; she was real. Alive. Warm. She was Rennah Shepard – and she _fine_.

"Everything okay?" she asked when he finally let her go, her lips reddened from his kiss.

_No._

"Yeah," he lied and tried to smile.

Shepard stared into his face for a long moment, obviously sensing something was wrong but she shrugged and let it go.

"If you say so." She glanced around at the Illusive Man's office and shivered. "Come on, let's get out of this tomb."

James was only too happy to leave.

* * *

Once on the Normandy, James shed his armour in untidy pile. Everyone was exhausted. Garrus looked almost grey with fatigue but he kept a supporting arm around Tali when she started to droop. Kaidan and Rennah were both pale and shaky, and James watched them suck down several energy gels each before they mustered the energy to remove their armour.

EDI was the exception, and excused herself politely so she could return to the bridge.

The weariness was bone deep for James; a steady ache in the core of his being that matched the pounding in his head. Hours of racing through Cronos Station, weathering explosions and running and hiding had taken their toll; he hurt. Medi-gel would heal his burns and soothe the muscle ache, but the fatigue and exhaustion needed time and rest.

He sighed, unable to shake the vision of Shepard's body from his mind. The photos he'd seen were seared into his brain; charred armour melted to flesh, shattered bones, the faint shape of her face beneath her helmet-

_No._

He shook the images from his head, determinedly focusing on the woman in front of him, but it was no good and the images returned. _How had Liara dealt with finding her like that?_ He wondered. _Knowing that she was gone and the only life left in her body was at a cellular level?_ James scrubbed his hands over his face and shook his head; he needed to stop thinking about it.

Shepard removed her final armour plate, one slender hand retrieving Kai Leng's sword as she turned to wait for James. They walked together, arms and hips brushing lightly as they left the others. He knew Shepard needed to clean up, rest and then deal with debriefing and reports, but Hackett had given her a few hours reprieve - and she'd need every second of that time to rest and recover.

They caught the elevator up to her cabin in silence, their under-armour reeking of blood, sweat and medi-gel. It was a sour nose-wrinkling smell, but it was as familiar to James as Shepard's perfume, and he barely noticed. As soon as they were back in her room he pulled her into his arms, holding onto her without saying a word.

_She's not dead_ , he told himself. _She's fine._

Shepard broke away from him first and reached up to touch his face, her eyes dark and concerned. "James? What is it?"

He opened his mouth to reply but hesitated. What could he say? _I saw photos of your body? I saw photos of them rebuilding you?_ Was that really what was bothering him or was it more complex? Was is that seeing her dead had rammed home that Shepard was only human - she _could_ die. She _had_ died. She _might_ die again.

And he didn't want to lose her.

"James?" she prompted gently.

He sighed. "I saw photos of the Lazarus project; of what happened to you before they brought you back." She made a sound and James tugged her back into his arms. "I didn't want to see you like that and I hate knowing that that happened to you. I don't-" He had to stop to draw breath and his heart constricted painfully in his chest. "I don't to lose you. Not ever." His voice cracked as he confessed the truth behind his fears, and he cursed himself for being so foolish and sentimental.

But Shepard didn't laugh as he crushed her to him; she held him back just as tightly and murmured to him in Russian. Words he couldn't understand but in a tone that was soothing. He didn't cry, though tears prickled behind his eyes - but they were tears that he'd cried years ago when he'd first heard that Shepard was dead. He refused to cry again when she was standing in front of him; complete and whole.

"You're not going to lose me," she told him eventually, switching to English as his trembling eased and his taut muscles relaxed. "Hell James, if you haven't worked it out by now; you're stuck with me for the long haul."

He laughed softly at that and kissed the top of her head, closing his eyes and inhaling her scent; the smell of sweat, gun oil and biotics. He wanted to believe her! He wanted to spend the rest of his life with her by his side and never have to worry about reapers or Cerberus coming between them.

"Ren?" James swallowed and pulled back, searching her eyes as he tried to find the words. "Do you mean that?"

"What?" Shepard's mouth twitched with the flicker of a smile. "That you're stuck with me for the long haul? Of course I do."

"Then would you-" He trailed off and swallowed.

_You don't have a ring_ , a voice piped up unhelpfully. He shushed it; a ring didn't matter.

"Would you consider-" James could have slapped himself as he floundered, the amused look in her eyes setting him on edge as he sank faster than a lead balloon. He let out his breath slowly and calmed his nerves. "Rennah, would you marry … ?" He broke off as Shepard dropped Kai Leng's sword and it clattered loudly to the floor

A horrible silence fell.

"James," she spoke slowly, her eyes round. "Are you asking me to marry you?"

James nodded dumbly and she blinked, surprise flashing over her features before she schooled it into a neutral expression.

"Aren't you supposed to ask me on one knee?" she asked in a mild tone.

James sank to one knee before he could stop himself and inwardly cringed when her eyebrows shot up; she didn't look impressed.

Shepard crossed her arms over her chest. "Do you have a ring?"

He tried to answer but his mouth ran dry and the words refused to come.

He shook his head.

Rennah sighed and turned her back on him, and James' heart sank. He'd been stupid to assume she'd be willing to tie herself to him for the rest of her life. Saying he was stuck with her was one thing, but marriage was another - especially when he hadn't even bothered to find a ring.

_Idiot, idiot, idiot!_ He cursed himself.

It was like being tossed into a big black loser pit as she walked away, and James stayed frozen on one knee; light-headed and sick to his stomach. Shepard walked to her wardrobe and opened it, she pulled out some clothes and tossed them on the bed, then she reached back inside and took out something small. For a long moment she said and did nothing, she just stared at her hands, then she abruptly spun around and closed the distance between them.

James looked up at her in confusion when she stopped in front of him.

"You're supposed to do it like this," Shepard announced as she sank to one knee, her face suddenly level with his. Her lips curved into a smile and her eyes gleamed. "James Vega," she produced a small velvet box and flicked it open almost casually. James' eyes goggled as he saw the ring inside and his heart did cartwheels in his chest. "Would you do me the honour of becoming my husband?"

"Lola?" he asked shakily, unsure if this was real of not. "What are you doing?"

She grinned, ignoring his question as she plucked the ring out of the box. "Will you?" she repeated and held it out.

_She was serious_ , James realised, and his emotions surged inside him like a tsunami, washing away the anxiety and terrible fear. He lunged forward and pulled her to him, crushing her to his chest as he peppered her face with kisses, both of them laughing and giggling as they fell back to the floor.

"Yes, God yes! I'll marry you!" He told her as he caught her hand and kissed the back of it. He took the ring and tried to slide it on; but it was so small that it would only go halfway onto his pinkie finger. He turned curious eyes on her. "The ring?"

Shepard looked slightly bashful and blushed. "EDI gave it to me when she visited me on the Citadel - while I was healing after the eye transplant. It was a present for me, but ... ." She shrugged. "I don't think she'll mind me giving it to you. EDI's a romantic."

"A second hand ring? You're all class, Lola." James laughed as he slipped his dog tags off and placed the ring on there, it fell against the metal with a tinkling sound and he grinned as he placed them back around his neck. The ring was cool against his chest; rougher than his dog tags. Shepard touched it, nudging the ring with the tip of one finger, and grinned up at him.

"I can't believe I just did that," she confessed and she laughed abruptly. "Shit! We're engaged!"

James chuckled, so full of happiness he thought he'd burst. He wrapped his arms around Rennah and held her tight as they flopped to the floor and gazed up at the stars through the canopy in the roof. He was exhausted, he stank to high heaven and his body ached, but he was happier in this moment than he'd ever been.

"I love you, Lola," he told her softly.

Shepard buried her face in his neck and kissed his throat, mumbling something that sounded like ' _I love you too'_.

He reached up and squeezed the ring in one hand, holding her to him with the other. "Do you think we'll be ordered back to Earth?"

She nodded against him and shifted so she could speak. "Yeah, we need to get the Catalyst. I'm not sure how we'll do it with Reapers swarming around our planet, but we have to try. To come so far and give up isn't in our nature." Shepard sat up and tugged on his hand as she got to her feet, pulling him along with her. "But I don't want to think about that now."

"Yeah?" he asked as she led him towards the bathroom; she was already tugging at the straps of her under armour. "What's on your mind?"

Shepard glanced over her shoulder and tossed him a coquettish look. "Jimmy, do you _really_ have to ask?"

James chuckled, a low rumble in his chest as he followed her to the shower. "No." He grinned. "No you don't."

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**A/N – I grinned so much writing this. I hope you liked it!**


	67. Omen

_Disclaimer: I don't own Mass Effect_

**A/N – Many thank yous to my wonderful readers and reviewers. You guys make writing and sharing this story an absolute pleasure, and I always love hearing from you. So thank you! :)**

* * *

Warm water cascaded down around Shepard as she stepped beneath the shower, a blissful sigh escaping her as the hot spray beat against her skin. Steam misted through the air, giving her a dream-like view of James as he shed his clothes. His bronzed skin beaded with moisture as he stepped closer, and she bit her lower lip as a shaft of lust streaked through her, tightening things low in her belly.

_How does he always manage to look so sexy?_

She let her eyes wander down his body, lazily taking in his lean hips, narrow waist, and the broad expanse of his chest and shoulders. His dog tags lay against his chest, and the sight of the ring she'd given him nestling against them brought a smile to her face. She would never forget the expression on his face when she'd dropped to her knee and flicked out the ring; shocked, excited, and incredibly stunned.

Proposing to James had been a spur of the moment thing – but he'd been doing so terribly on his own and when the idea hit her she hadn't been able to resist. Maybe drawing out the moment had been a little cruel, but it had been cute to watch him floundering; James was always so confidant and sure of everything he did that seeing him so adorably unsure of himself had melted her heart.

The instant she'd realised what he was going to ask her she'd known she would say yes. She  _wanted_  to spend the rest of her life with James Vega, there wasn't any part of her that doubted they were meant to be. He was her match -  _her equal_. Whether James knew it or not he'd brought colour and passion back into her life. He'd saved her from the black hole that she'd fallen into when Cerberus brought her back.

James flashed a lopsided grin as he joined her in the shower, his hands circling her waist. He pulled her close, bent his head and brushed his mouth against hers. The feel of that kiss, feathery light, sent shivers down her spine and Rennah shuddered as the need in her body blazed brighter.

"Ren," he groaned her name hungrily as he backed her against the wall, the water beating down around them. "I want you."

She chuckled and responded by dragging her nails along his chest, down his abs and along one muscle packed thigh. He grunted and jerked against her as she allowed the side of her hand to brush against his manhood. He was already long and hard, and the thought of having him inside of her made her weak at the knees.

Only James made her feel this way; so desperately hungry and feminine.

The exhaustion that had dogged her since the mission was swept away as James pressed her against the wall and slid a thigh between hers. She murmured her approval against his lips as he kissed her again, one arm wrapped tightly around her waist while his other hand followed the curve of her body. His hand slipped between her legs and she gasped in pleasure, arching her back as his fingers slipped between her legs, probing her slick folds.

"Fuck, yes!" she managed to gasp as she clung to him.

James smirked and looked pleased. He lowered his face to her neck and nibbled a trail along her collarbone, circling one finger around the nub at the core of her being. Her hips moved restlessly against his touch, aching for more. Without warning he lifted her and Rennah wrapped her legs around his waist, holding his shoulders as he guided himself to her entrance and pushed inside.

Rennah let her head rest against the shower wall as he slowly slid into her slick warmth, sheathing himself in her completely. The sensation of him filling that space inside of her, stretching her with his hot length, felt perfect, and she bit her lip to keep from crying out. James looped one arm about her waist, braced the other against the wall behind her and began to move in slow careful thrusts.

He caught one of her breasts in his mouth and sucked on the pebbled tip, his teeth grazing her flesh. Rennah groaned and dug her nails into his shoulders, curling her fingers against him tightly as she shuddered. She moved with him, meeting his thrusts with rolls of her hips as the beautiful warmth pooling in her belly began to spread; a languid heat that permeated every inch of her body.

The heat swirled under her skin, an almost biotic  _purr_  that tingled through her in time to his movements. It pulsed harder, faster, sharper within her until every muscle in her body tensed with her imminent release. For a long moment she held herself at that peak, strung out on sensation and mindless with desire, and then the orgasm crashed down.

Ripples of pleasure tingled through her body and she clutched James tightly as he cried out and pulled her flush against him. Their lips met in a feverishly hot kiss; a desperate tangle of lips, teeth and tongue. Rennah fed at his mouth, wrapped around him so tightly that she couldn't tell where his body ended and hers began.

For a time he held her close, pinned to the wall as their bodies trembled together in ecstasy. The water poured down around them, warm and soothing, and slowly James let her slid to the floor. He checked that she had her balance before he ducked his head and took her lips in a deep kiss, his tongue sliding against hers.

"I'm so lucky," he said breathlessly as he stepped back under the shower head. "You're the best thing that's ever happened to me."

Rennah rolled her eyes and grinned. "Correct me if I'm wrong, but I'm pretty sure since hooking up with me you've been shot up and almost killed on several occasions?"

He cocked his head to the side and his eyes sparkled as he pulled her under the spray with him. "Well, yeah. But it's totally worth it."

She laughed and kissed him. "You're an idiot, Jimmy - but I love you."

James flashed her another heart-stopping smile as he squeezed some liquid soap in his hands and began to lather it over her skin. He worked it up into a foam, taking his time as he cleaned every square inch of her body; occasionally stopping to plant a kiss here or there. When he was finished she returned the favour, finding something intensely satisfying in the act. They dried themselves off when they were finished and retreated to her bed.

Rennah let herself fall onto the duvet, sighing happily as her body relaxed onto the soft mattress. James donned a pair of black shorts and threw himself down, chuckling as the bed bounced wildly. She grumbled half-heartedly as he pulled her against him and settled their bodies together. Talking seemed pointless, and Shepard let her mind wander as lay with James and gazed at the stars through the canopy in the ceiling.

She needed to sleep; her head ached with fatigue, but she wanted to savour the here and now; lying in James' arms, her body filled with the lingering sated feeling from the shower sex, and her mind buzzing from the satisfaction of knowing she'd beaten Leng. When she woke the world would change and she'd need to keep fighting, and right now she wanted to stay in  _this_  moment

"Does it bother you?"

Rennah blinked and turned to look at James when he spoke. His profile was outlined by the fish tank as he watched the stars and he looked mysterious and otherworldly; familiar and wonderfully alien all at the same time.

"Does what bother me?" she asked.

"Space." He lifted one hand and made a sweeping gesture up at the velvety sky. "You never talk about it, but you died out there." Silence fell and the arm around her tightened. "I was wondering if it bothers you. I think it would bother me."

For a moment Rennah was quiet as she contemplated the starry view. Her heart sped up as the final moments of the Normandy SR-1 replayed themselves; the fire, the klaxons, the final conversation she'd had with Kaidan and Joker. Thinking about it brought back a rush of memories of what had come next; tumbling uncontrollably through the black while the splintered carcass of the Normandy burned up around her. The stars blurring in the sky as she spun; her view dominated by the looming face of Alchera. A tightness in her chest that bloomed into full blown panic as she felt the chill of space and heard the hissing leak of the pressure seals.

She had struggled until the end, her body thrashing as she desperately tried to block the leak and save herself even as she fell into the planet. She could remember terror, anger, despair; her heart beating against her ribs like a trapped bird as her blood roared deafeningly loud in her ears. She'd fought for breath, for life, until her body had burned for oxygen and her eyes went dark.

For a long time she hadn't been able to remember what had happened after she'd been knocked from the Normandy in the Collector attack. She hadn't wanted to. It had returned in snatches of dreams and waking flashes as she fell asleep. Did she fear space? Of course not. Space was her home; space was freedom. It hadn't killed her - the Collectors had.

"Lola?" James' arm squeezed about her waist and Rennah nestled closer. "I'm sorry if that was out of li-"

"No." She tore her gaze from the stars and looked at him, her chest constricting with love as she traced his stubbly jaw. "The stars don't bother me, nor does space. It's my home. It's where I feel safe." The sheets rustled as she pulled herself onto her forearms and looked down at him. "God, you're sweet. I love that about you."

"Well, you're marrying me so I should hope so." He grinned as he spoke, and the sight of that smile, so full of joy, set Rennah's heart aflutter.

"I thought  _you_  were marrying  _me_?" she pointed out with a nod towards her ring.

His grin widened. "Semantics."

She chuckled and leaned down for another kiss. "I never thought I'd marry anyone, let alone that irritating guy who used to confiscate my Omni-tools and guard me."

"Me? Irritating?" James gaped and rolled over to trap her beneath him. "You drove me mad, woman!" Rennah laughed, a happy lightness sweeping through her as James feathered kisses across her face and neck. He paused and gazed down at her. "I think I loved you even then, you know. I had to work so hard to stay professional with you, but you were ..." He drifted off and let himself fall to one side. "You were the most important thing in my life. I would have died for you that day, you know."

Rennah didn't have to ask what day; she could remember the day of the Batarian raid on her compound on Earth like it was yesterday.

She smoothed a hand down his arm and drew in a deep breath. "I'm glad you didn't."

They looked at each other in silence for a moment and then, as one, they pressed their lips together. James settled beside her once more and wrapped his arms around her more securely. "So what kind of a wedding do you want? Something big and flashy, right? Thousands of people, broadcast around the galaxy, a big fluffy sparkly dress-"

"Very funny." She swatted him on the arm and mock glared as she turned to look up at the stars. "Something small and private after the war. Just family and our closest friends."

James made a sound of agreement. "Hopefully I can find my uncle Emilio when this is all over. I know he's going to love you."

"Almost everyone I consider family is on this ship." Rennah sighed as a familiar melancholy ghosted through her. "I hope Anderson is still kicking reaper ass on Earth. I know I shouldn't, but I worry about him."

"He'll be fine. Anderson's one tough  _hombre_." Silence fell and Rennah felt James shift again. He tensed slightly before he continued speaking, "Lola, when this is over are we still going to take some time off?"

She nodded. "I think we'll have earned a break. Why? You want to go on a honeymoon?"

"You know I do! I'm a romantic guy, I want everything; a wedding, honeymoon, a house with a white picket fence, kids and a dog-"

Rennah tensed despite desperately trying not to, but the mention of a house with  _kids_  sent a chill through her. The thought of being pregnant,  _of having children_ , chased every happy feeling from her body and her stomach churned sickeningly. The idea of raising and looking after a child filled her dread.

She swallowed hard.

"James." Her voice shook and she stopped and swallowed.  _Please let him understand._  "I don't want children."

It was his turn to freeze, and Rennah fought back a rush of panicked adrenaline as her blood roared through her veins.

James drew in a deep breath. "I know you don't like kids, but maybe you'll feel differently-"

"I'm not going to change my mind about this," she snapped defensively, hating herself for wanting to run away from this conversation. "I can't do it."

"Lola ... ."

Rennah pulled away and shook her head. "I can't. I just ... I'm not mother material. I can't stand the thought of being pregnant or of having a baby, and kids scare me, James.  _They scare me_. They look at me and I remember everything I did-" her voice broke as she remembered the way  _those_  kids had watched her.

The way they'd  _blamed_  her.

They way they'd called her a  _monster_.

James caught her in his arms and pulled her back to him. "Ren, it's okay. I'm sorry. We can leave it for now. We don't have to talk about it straight away and I'm not going to make you do anything you don't want to do. All this can wait until after the war."

"It's not just that." She swallowed the lump in her throat and focused on the fish tank. "I'm not even sure I can have kids."

"What makes you think that?" He spoke slowly, purposefully, and she knew he was choosing his words with care.

Rennah gathered her thoughts and sat up. She wrapped her arms around her knees as she looked down at him. "The Reds sterilised all the kids they bought. Chemical sterilisation." James looked stricken and she hurried continued, not wanting him to interrupt with platitudes. "But when Cerberus brought me back they had no way of knowing I  _couldn't_  have children, so for all I know they fixed it."

"You never looked into it?"

She shook her head. "I was too scared to find out. I talked about it with Chakwas and she said she could tell with a simple scan but … I chickened out."

James caught her hand and tugged her close, folding himself securely around her. "I'm sorry, Ren."

"Sorry?"

"I'm sorry that the Reds did that to you and that you were so scared of having kids you didn't even want to find out if you could." He cuddled her close, so supportive and warm that it brought tears to her eyes.

She blinked them away; there was no point crying over what might or might not be. Like James had said moments ago, it could wait until after the war. Maybe she could have kids and maybe she couldn't. The whole idea, the thought of children, made her uncomfortable and she shifted against James as she tried to dispel her unease.

It didn't work.

The horrible tightness persisted; a sense that she was doing wrong by him. She could  _see_  James with a little boy or girl; teaching them how to walk or playing with them in the park. The image was so clear that her chest tightened in a painful combination of fear and desire. He'd be an amazing dad, but she ... she wouldn't be a good mother. She broke things. Destroyed people.

_Monster._

"I'm sorry too," she breathed the words against his neck as she shook the image from her mind. "I know it's not fair."

James smoothed his hands along her back. "It's okay, we can have pets or something. A dog or a cat or both. And we don't have to talk about this now, especially if it upsets you. We have to get the Crucible back, kill the reapers and save the world first, okay? Priorities."

She managed to smile. "Priorities, huh?"

"Yep." He nodded, sounding sure of himself. "Hell, we won't even be able to keep fish if we don't save the galaxy."

She laughed softly and glanced at the fish tank. "We'll win this thing. I don't know how, but we'll do it."

"Of course we will." James maneuvered them around so he could pull the duvet over their bodies. "You do the undoable. Just look at what you've done; you cured the genophage, you brought peace to the Geth and Quarians, and you managed to get those ancient Leviathan things fighting on our side!"

"All right, all right." Rennah shushed him and rolled her eyes. Her gaze met his and she gently bumped her forehead against his. "But none of that comes close to stopping the reapers."

"Maybe not, but you have a habit of making impossible things happen. If anyone is going to do this it's going to be you." He kissed her, rubbing his stubbly cheek against her face as he tucked her against the side of his body. "And whatever happens, you know I'll be by your side."

She snuggled close and nodded, the first stirrings of sleep passing through her. "Of course you will. I'm not going to hog all the fun."

"Fun?" James yawned sleepily. "You have some  _funny_  ideas about fun, Lola."

She smiled against his chest but didn't have the strength to reply as sleep sucked her down. Faintly, she felt James press his lips to her forehead, then he dimmed the lights and they both surrounded to sleep.

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**A/N – *Takes a deep breath* Well, tomorrow will certain bring some changes for them. Because we all know what's coming next!**


	68. Fade To Grey

_Disclaimer: I don't own Mass Effect_

**A/N - I'm so glad you guys enjoyed the last chapter - thank you so much for reading along and reviewing! It always makes me smile when you take time out of your day! Enjoy this chapter!**

* * *

James paced nervously in the CIC, casting frustrated glances towards the door that led to the War Room, where Shepard, Hackett and an assorted range of brass were attending a meeting. Something big was going on. Tension and nervous energy seemed to crackle on the air, as though a storm was about to break.

_Yeah_ , he thought to himself as he glanced over at Traynor,  _A big, fat, reaper shaped storm._  She was working busily at her terminal, the picture of efficiency, but James knew she was keeping one eye on the outgoing QEC signals. She had already mentioned to him that EDI had connected signals to the quarians, geth, krogans, turians, and even with the salarians and asari.

There could be only one reason why the War Room was being connected with all those cultures; the fleets were being assembled for the final assault. Which meant that through those doors, only a few paces away, the next move in the reaper war was being planned, perhaps even set in motion.

James suspected it would be the last move.

The reapers had the Catalyst and they'd moved it to reaper controlled space above the Earth, and that meant getting to it would take one hell of a push. Even with Anderson's intel on Earth, the fleets would struggle to break through the reaper forces surrounding the Sol System. It wasn't impossible, but James could well imagine the casualties that the Alliance would suffer during the attack. He didn't envy Hackett and Anderson the sorts of calls they'd have to make in the coming days.

How many people had they already ordered to their death? How many ships and marines had held their ground while others retreated - sacrificing the lives of the few for the benefit of the many? Thousands? Hundreds of thousands?  _Millions_? The people who he'd let die on Fehl Prime still haunted him; he couldn't even begin to fathom the consequences of the decisions that Hackett and the Admiralty Board had made.

War was messy, there was no question of that, but even so he suspected that Hackett was having trouble sleeping at night. It was hard to block out the whispers of those who'd lost their lives, to stop yourself from wondering if you'd done the right thing, if maybe somehow you couldn't have saved everyone. And now, as though all their sacrifices weren't enough, they were looking down the barrel of a reaper shaped gun.

They  _had_  to get to Earth.

They  _had_  to retake the Citadel.

They  _had_  to take the fight to them.

But  _could_  they?

_Would_  they?

James sighed again. If only he knew what was going on - all this waiting around had frayed his nerves and his body was wound so tight he felt ready to burst out of his skin. It didn't help that most of Shepard's team were already in there; Garrus in his role as the Turian's reaper specialist, Tali as a representative of the Quarian Admiralty, and Liara as the Shadow Broker. Even Kaidan had been allowed in due to his Spectre Status. Try as he might, James couldn't help but feel that he was on the outer.

And it sucked big time.

"Would you stop that?" Traynor asked him archly, watching him from the corner of her eyes as he paced. "Walking around isn't going to make the meeting end any faster."

James frowned and stopped, nervous energy bubbling in side of him. "Yeah, sorry."

She flashed him an understanding look and resumed flicking between communication channels. "It's not easy being stuck out of the action, is it?" she commented idly.

He shook his head and rocked on his heels, fighting off the urge to fidget while he waited. "Hello no. I just wish I knew what was happening."

She grinned, a contagious smile that James returned before he could stop himself. "You  _know_  what they're going to decide, same as I do. This is it. This is the end. They're going to gather the fleets and hit Earth with everything they've got. It's the only way we can retake the Catalyst or Citadel or whatever we're calling it now."

"It's a long shot, isn't it?" James leaned against the console, watching the scrolling code on the screen. "I mean, the reapers have managed to beat us at every turn. They've taken planet after planet and system after system-"

"But," Traynor interrupted him, holding up one hand. "Now we're fighting as  _one_. We're not returning to Earth as the Alliance, we're going back as a united front. Strategically, it's the best chance we have to beat the reapers and everyone knows it. Is it a long shot?" She paused and nodded. "Of course. But it's the best shot we have."

James drew in a deep breath and he straightened. "You're right."

"Of course I am," she told him with a wink. "And realistically, it's the only shot we have. We've thrown everything we have at building the Crucible, so we  _have_  to make this work. Even if it costs us the fleet and most of us die in the fight, we  _have_  to get the Citadel and find a way to make it work."

"We'll do it," James agreed, suddenly more sure of their chances than he had been. It was a bad situation, but it was better than what the Prothean Empire had faced. It was better than  _any_  of the civilisations that had come before them had faced. "Thanks Traynor."

"Anytime." She looked like she was about to say more, but she abruptly straightened and stood to attention as the door that led to the war room opened and Hackett strode out.

James followed suit, but was unable to stop himself scanning the faces of the brass for Shepard as they filed out the room. He spotted her easily, next to Hackett, speaking to him in a low voice.

She looked strangely unfamiliar in her dress blues, as though someone had invited along Rennah's older and more responsible sibling. The uniform was crisp, her shoes shiny and her hair looped neatly in a perfect bun on the back of her head. The look suited her, James admitted as she approached. He preferred her more casual day to day look, but the uniform commanded a certain kind of attention.

Her eyes met his as she walked by, and Rennah inclined her head in the briefest of nods. James returned the gesture and stayed to attention as she led the admirals and captains to the air lock, their voices muffled as they said their goodbyes.

Kaidan, Liara, Tali and Garrus were amongst the last to leave the war room and they moved as a group to stand with James, their faces grave. Whatever they'd heard in that room had affected them deeply, which meant that either the plan was desperate or things were worse than James and Traynor had assumed. His stomach churned nervously as he waited for someone to say something, but the silence stretched on unbroken.

Once the brass were gone Shepard swept back into the CIC.

"I need to see all of you in the War Room, now." She looked at each member of her team in turn. "And Traynor, I need Joker, EDI, Cortez and Javik as well."

The Comm Specialist snapped off a salute. "Yes, Ma'am."

Rennah's mouth twitched and she raised her eyes quizzically at the gesture. "No need to go all formal on me, the brass is gone."

"Sorry, Ma'am." Traynor grinned impishly. "It's the dress blues. You look," She cleared her throat and blushed slightly. "Very authoritive."

"I'll keep that in mind the next time I want an obedient Comm Specialist," Shepard joked as she turned and made her way back to the War Rom.

James followed close behind; Kaidan and the others a few steps behind him. He rolled his shoulders, trying to loosen the tension as curiosity ate away at him. Something big was going down, that was for sure, and being kept in the dark was eating him alive.

"Right," Shepard spoke up as soon as the last of the people she'd assembled joined them in the War Room. "I'm sure everyone knows what I'm about to say-"

"We're going to Disneyland?" Joker interrupted sarcastically, his eyes innocent. "No, no. Wait. Let me guess, we're going to England to visit the queen?"

"Not far from the truth, actually." Rennah frowned at the pilot suspiciously. "You weren't listening in, were you?"

He went red and spluttered. "No! I was just being-"

"An ass?" she supplied and rolled her eyes. "Well, sarcasm aside, we're heading back to Earth. More specifically, to London."

James frowned. Alliance headquarters was in Vancouver, which made London an odd choice of destination for them. Others around the table seemed just as confused as he did, except for the four who has been with Shepard in the meeting. They seemed reigned, almost as though they knew bad news was coming and were waiting for the hammer to fall.

The sense of unease inside James' chest began to tighten.

"Why London?" Cortez asked finally, frowning across the table at Shepard. "The reapers hit London first didn't they? I thought it was completely overrun?"

"They did," Shepard agreed. "And it is. But it's also where Anderson and his men have holed up for strategic reasons."

_Strategic reasons?_ That could only mean there was something in London that the Alliance needed.

James cleared his throat to catch her attention. "I'm more curious about why we're going to Earth instead of the Citadel? Not that I'm doubting the brass heads, Lola, but I'm guessing there's a good reason?"

She nodded, all business, and brought up a holographic display that showed the Citadel in orbit above the Earth. "This is the Citadel's current position, and this," She pressed another button and a spray of red dots blossomed in the space around it, "is where the reapers have stationed a fleet to defend it."

" _Mierda!_ " James swore quietly and pushed away from the table in surprise. "How many are there?"

"Over one hundred Destroyer class reapers." Shepard gave him a look that said she knew just how he felt. "There's no way we can dock with the Citadel with that many reapers around it. But that's where London comes in." She switched the hologram to a bird's eye view of London and high-lighted several segments. "This is the Conduit, and it's our way to the Citadel."

Javik frowned and tapped his chin. "A Conduit? I have not heard of such a thing."

"It's an energy beam," Shepard explained. "The reapers are using it to transport people from Earth to the Citadel."

"Transport them?" The prothean began to frown. "Why would they do such a thing? In our cycle we were exterminated, not collected."

His choice of words made James flinch, but he managed to hide the movement. Shepard looked down at the hologram, and James saw her hands clench briefly into fists. Clearly, he wasn't the only one still affected by what the Collectors had done to people.

"After what I saw on the Collector home world I think it's safe to say that it's not for any good reason," she said eventually, her eyes haunted.

She visibly shuddered at her memories, and James barely repressed a similar shiver. He could remember what he'd seen in the skies above Fehl Prime as though it had only happened yesterday. Hell, he could still recall everything he'd  _experienced_  above Fehl Prime in crystal clear detail; being frozen, locked in a glass coffin, watching the indoctrinated Collectors move around him.

Angry.

Terrified.

_Helpless_.

Until he'd managed to get free. But what if he hadn't been able to break the stasis those bugs had put him in? What if he'd been sent to the Collector homeworld like all the others?  _They'd been liquefied alive-_

_No!_ James gave himself a mental shake.  _Don't think about it._

Shepard cleared her throat and met his eyes as she continued;  _she knew_. "But it's also a way to the Citadel. The plan Hackett and Anderson laid out is simple; we get to the Conduit and send people up to the Citadel via the beam. Meanwhile the fleet will engage the reapers and keep them busy, hopefully they'll lead them away from the Citadel. Once we have people up there the Crucible will be brought to Earth via the relay, they'll dock and ...  _boom_."

"Boom?" James queried, raising his eyebrows. "Is that what it does?"

She shrugged. "We don't know for sure, but if we set it off we can end this war in one move."

"So who's on the team making for the beam?" Cortez asked, looking at the faces around the table. "I'm guessing I'm here because I'm on pilot duty for the Conduit run?"

"Yes and no," Kaidan spoke up and highlighted another part of the map. "The Reapers have a Hades Canon set up that we need to take out so the ground team can land. We need you to fly in a team to take out the canon."

Cortez grinned. "Flying is flying, Major. I can do it."

Kaidan returned his smile, but the lines of stress around his eyes remained. "It'll be rough. You'll have reapers, harvesters, canons and ground forces galore gunning for you."

"Sounds like every second mission I fly." The pilot shrugged. "I'm in."

"Thank you, Steve." Shepard drew in a deep breath and looked at the others. "The Normandy is going to be in the first wave going up against the reapers, so I want EDI and Tali to stay on board. If anything happens, Adam's will need both of your help. And Liara, I need you to stay here and help Traynor liaise with the fleet."

"Shit," Joker burst out, frowning unhappily. He looked up and saw everyone watching him and rolled his eyes. "Oh, EDI and I can handle it, no problem, but that's a lot of reapers." The pilot closed his eyes and took a deep breath. "And it means I won't be there for you."

He looked up at Shepard and James felt his gut clench at the raw look in them. It wasn't love, or at least not the kind of love he felt for Shepard. It was something more, something deeper. It was family and warmth and  _regret_. The look he gave Shepard echoed with the pain he was still feeling over what had happened above Alchera.

_Joker still blames himself_ , James realised.  _For all his cockiness, he still thinks that she died because of him._

Rennah raised her eyebrows and smirked at him. "I need you safe up here, Joker. No one else has had as much experience outrunning reapers as you have. Plus, when we need rescuing you're the one I want riding in to save me."

Joker brightened and returned her smirk. "You know I will, Shepard. I owe you."

She turned her attention back to the rest of the table, a small smile still playing around her mouth. "We're going to be crossing a lot of ground in a section of London crawling with reaper forces. Anderson said it's in their black zone. I'm not going to force anyone on this mission; volunteers only."

"Black zone?" Javik asked, sounding irritated at another unfamiliar term.

"A no go zone," Shepard clarified. "Too many reapers." She looked around the table. "It'll be dangerous. Worse than anything we've faced."

The prothean scoffed. "I doubt it is worse than what  _I_  have seen. I will be by your side Commander." He inclined his head, uncommonly polite. "If the reapers fall, I want to see it."

"I'm in too," James said without hesitation; there was no way he was being left behind!

Rennah nodded at him, unsurprised.

Kaidan looked at all of them and grinned. "You already know I'll be with you." He paused for a second and then added, "This time."

"And me," Garrus chimed in. "I always wanted to see your Earth."

This was it, James realised as the team looked at each other. This was the final push. Once they were on Earth there would be no turning back, it would be a suicide run in every sense of the word. Both he and Shepard had gone up against terrible odds before and come out on top, but nothing like this.

"Hackett will be moving the fleet out within the hour." Shepard pushed away from the table and drew in a deep breath. "Those of you coming with me will need to suit up. Cortez, you'll need to get the shuttle prepped. Once we're through the relay, the window to get the shuttle from the Normandy to earth will be slim." She scanned all of their faces and hesitated on James. "Good luck."

The team moved out, some of them pausing to talk to Rennah before they left, until James was left alone in the room with her. She sighed and sat on the edge of the table, looking tired and far older than she actually was.

"You okay?" James moved in front of her and knocked her legs apart, standing between them as he cupped her face.

"Yeah. It's just … things are bad on Earth. I'm worried I'm going to lose people."

"I gathered. Is that the only thing wrong?" He tilted her face up, her skin soft under his calloused fingers. "You look exhausted."

She smiled and shrugged. "I  _am_  exhausted, but that's nothing new. If you must know, my stomach's churning, my body's aching from the fight with Leng and  _someone_  kept me up."

"Actually, if you want to get technical I put you to bed," James pointed out. He leaned in and kissed her, slowly and deeply. "Besides, it's your fault for proposing to me," he added as he drew back.

"So I brought this on myself?" she laughed.

He nodded, glad her mood was lightening. "Yep. You have only yourself to blame, Lola."

Rennah kissed him again, harder, deeper, her tongue stoking his as she clasped him tightly. Despite her light tone, the kiss was desperate and hungry, and she pulled him flush against her. When she drew away her eyes were guarded and James had a disorientating feeling that she was keeping something from him.

"Lola?" he prompted gently. "What is it?"

She looked down at his chest, silent for a time.

"I haven't been feeling well for a while," Rennah admitted. "It started not long after Leviathan took control of me, but I don't know if it's something they did or if it's something else." She let go of him and wrapped her arms around herself.

James frowned; he'd noticed Rennah had been paler and that she'd lost some weight recently, but he'd assumed it was stress and fatigue catching up with her.

"Have you seen Chakwas?" he asked. "Maybe it's something to do with the upgrades the Alliance gave you?"

She looked up at him as though that hadn't occurred to her. "I hadn't thought of that. I was worried … ." she trailed off and cleared her throat.

"Worried about?" James prompted.

She shrugged and grinned tiredly. "It's nothing. I have so many artificial parts, I always worry something is going to go wrong. But it's probably just lack of sleep or stress."

Again, James had the unshakable feeling that she was hiding something from him.

"Maybe you should see her," he suggested as he took her into his arms, holding her tightly and breathing in her scent. "The Alliance cleared you psychologically, but you should get yourself cleared physically." He hated the idea that she might have something wrong with her; that Leviathan had meddled with her or that some Cerberus part might be failing. "Promise me you'll see Chakwas next chance you get?"

She nodded, her face cuddled into the crook of his neck. "I promise."

"Good." James stepped back and helped her down from the table. "I know you hate doctors, Lola, but sometimes you have to bite the bullet."

"Yeah, yeah." She playfully punched him in the arm, and nodded her head at the door. "Come on, we need to suit up."

"Yes, Ma'am." He snapped off a salute and grinned when she rolled her eyes. "What can I say Lola; Traynor was right about those dress blues."

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**A/N - ... and next is Earth! *cues dramatic music* I hope you enjoy what I have planned.**


	69. Love Like Blood

_Disclaimer: I don't own Mass Effect_

**A/N – Thanks to everyone reading along, I hope you're all enjoying the fic. And an especially big thank you to the people who leave me reviews. I really can't believe how many people have stuck with this fic! You guys are amazing – thank you for the support and for the lovely feedback. It always makes me smile!**

* * *

 

The shuttle shuddered and bounced as it skipped Earth's atmosphere, and James' breath rasped loudly in his ears, drowning out everything except the roar of his own heartbeat. He gripped the handle of the drop seat tightly as the shuttle rocked and Kaidan bumped against him. James didn't bother to look across at him; there was nothing to see. Their breather helmets were already locked in place in case of a breach during entry.

Not that anyone would be coming to save them if  _that_  happened, but it gave the illusion of security.

Joker and EDI had performed incredible manoeuvres to break through the lines of reapers so the shuttle could launch, and James' heart was still in his mouth from the crazy risks they had taken. He hoped the other shuttles had made it through the reapers too, especially since those shuttles were carrying the heavy weapons needed to take out the canon.

He glanced up as the metal of the shuttle groaned alarmingly and the shaking grew worse. Even with the dampeners and artificial gravity engaged, he could feel the movement of the shuttle as Cortez cut through the Earth's atmosphere. The floor vibrated against the soles of his boots and the buzz spread up his legs and along his armour. The shuttle veered sharply and the contents of his stomach rose in his throat. Beside him, Kaidan grunted and braced his legs as he was almost dislodged from his seat.

James tore his eyes off the floor and peered up front; Shepard was there with Cortez, and he wondered what she was seeing up there. Was London burning? Was she looking at the destruction and wondering how the hell the remnants of the Alliance military could possibly pull this off when their world was ashes?

He'd only managed a glimpse of Earth as they'd approached but the pretty blue and green globe he remembered had been cloaked in orange and black; ash and flame.

"We're coming in hot," Shepard's voice sounded over the earpiece in his helmet. "Lots of reaper activity." She paused and drew in an audible breath. "The other shuttles didn't make it. Cortez is going to detour so we can get their weapons and take out that canon."

Kaidan swore and pushed to his feet, catching hold of the roof and using his biotics to keep his balance when the movement of the shuttle would have knocked him off his feet. James was fleetingly envious as Shepard appeared, using hand holds on the roof and walls to keep her balance as Cortez brought them in. Her visor was dark but he could just make out her eyes behind the plasti-glass.

"Reapers troops and harvesters are inbound on this location," Cortez shouted back to them. "I need to get airborne ASAP."

There was a gentle bump as he set them down and James leapt to his feet in an instant, drawing his assault rifle and readying his thermal clips. Shepard opened the hatch and noise roared in; the screams of approaching reapers, the distant thundering boom of the canons and a low piercing sizzling sound that James remembered well from his last day on Earth all those months ago; reaper beams.

Shepard leapt out of the hatch and took cover behind some broken concrete slabs. James joined her as Kaidan, Javik and Garrus followed him out the shuttle, all of them rolling into cover and sweeping the area for reaper troops. Cortez got the shuttle up and moving, only just avoiding two incoming harvesters.

"Let's go!" Shepard roared the order for her team to move forward and led the way, keeping to cover and scanning for hostiles.

There wasn't much time to look around, but from what James could see of his immediate surroundings London had been devastated. They were surrounded by the burnt out shells of cars, and crumbling slabs of concrete and jagged steel beams that had once been buildings. It looked like something out of a disaster movie and not at all like the busy London he remembered.

Everything was burned and broken; each building a hollow gutted ruin.

The piercing shriek of a banshee heralded the arrival of the reapers and James shut down all of his thoughts as he dropped behind cover. The long spindly creature loped into view, its black eyes glinting evilly in its pasty grey face. Everyone stayed quiet, waiting, hoping it would pass them by, but the banshee twisted its head in their direction and let out another ear-splitting cry and moved with purpose in their direction.

"Shit! I can't fucking see in this thing." Shepard growled as she ripped off her helmet. "Take it out and move forward. The Hammer shuttles crashed on the building dead ahead."

James pulled his own helmet off so he could see his peripherals better and began firing, his initial spray of shots taking the banshee square in the chest. It shrieked but continued to move forward in biotics leaps. The others rained fire on it; a barrage of biotic and tech attacks that left it reeling. It fell and they moved forward in time to meet the wave of husks that swarmed towards them; a seething mass of rotted grey flesh and glowing blue eyes. Someone swore, James thought it was Garrus, and then then the husks were on them.

There was no time to think, no time to breath or plan, all he could do was fire until he ran out of thermal clips and switch to his Omni-blade; hacking and slashing at the husks as they poured forward. They advanced in a wave and seemed to crash over him in a press of grasping hands and ghoulish cries. They clung to him, their hands pulling at his armour and their mouths snapping at his face as he tried to dislodge them.

His heart thundered in his own ears as he pulled on free and crushed its head under his boot only to have another leap up and take its place. There were so many,  _too many_ , and panic wrapped steeling bands around his chest as they started to drag him down. James yelled and twisted as he tried to break free, but their fingers had worked in between the plats of his armour and they clung on like parasites.

He fell to one knee, the weight of the creatures dragging him down, when suddenly a blue wave crashed into him. The biotics stung his skin, biting and crackling against his armour, and with horrible shrieks the husks were sucked off him. Hands pulled him to his feet and he looked up into Rennah's face. Her purple and black armour was splashed with husk blood and flecks of grey gore, but she looked like a fucking angel sent from heaven.

"Thanks," he told her, his voice strained.

She nodded at him as she took out a small group of husks with a warp, the biotic attack sucking at his skin as the husks were caught in its dark field. They howled as the dark energy ripped them apart and chunks of grey flesh began to flake off.

"I didn't know you could do that," he muttered as he watched them disintegrate and took the thermal clips Shepard offered him. "I thought you were all about the Charging and the  _boom boom_  Novas."

She chuckled and lobbed a grenade at another oncoming horde. "I  _am_  all about the Charging and Novas, but I'm a  _biotic_ , so I can do warps and singularities. I just prefer being up close and  _personal_."

"I may have noticed, Lola." James wiped the sweat from his brow and tried to shake off the lingering terror of the husk swarm. "Not that I pay you any special attention or anything."

She snorted at his attempt at humour and pushed forward, her skin crackling with blue light.

 

_(Art by Anne-Wild)_

 

They fought on, the flow of husks slowly petering out until there was only the odd strangler for them to pick off. James glanced around for the others; Garrus stood closest to them, his armour stained black from husk blood. Kaidan and Javik were coated in gore and blood, as though a husk had exploded over them. James glanced down at his own armour and wasn't surprised to see it smeared with black as well.

"Commander!" Cortez's voice buzzed over the comm, furred with static and distortion. "You have airborne hostiles inbound. I'll try to keep them off you for as long as I can."

Shepard's nodded and pressed a hand to her earpiece. "Roger that, Cortez."

She motioned for them to move forward and they fell in with her, automatically falling into a rough offensive formation. James stayed alert as they crept forward, keeping to cover and watching for more hostiles. The distant shrieks and screams of reapers seemed to come from all around them as they moved, and his skin crawled as though hundreds of unseen eyes were watching him; waiting for a chance to attack.

He shivered; God only knew how many of them were out there right now.

A shuttle roared in low, weaving between the buildings as a harvester closed in on it. James' heart leapt to this throat as he recognised it as the shuttle from the Normandy, the same shuttle he'd given Cortez so much crp for. The harvester swooped closer and slung a fiery ball of plasma at it. Cortez peeled to the side in a gut-wrenching turn, but the fireball caught the back end of the shuttle and it burst into flame.

"Cortez!"

Shepard's shout drowned out James' own panicked yell as the shuttle careened wildly out of control and vanished behind a crumbling building. There was a loud metallic grinding sound as the shuttle hit something and bounced off, and then a further grating crash that was almost drowned out by the canons firing again.

James' stomach plummeted to his feet and a cold cloying horror that he hadn't felt since Fehl Prime spread through his veins.  _Cortez couldn't have gone down!_ He thought frantically,  _he was the best fucking shuttle pilot in the Alliance!_

"No!" He started in the direction of the shuttle, adrenaline surging through his body as he readied his weapon without thinking about it. He took a few steps when a hand firmly seized his shoulder and he was pulled up short. He whirled around, furious that someone was stopping him, but his anger froze when he saw Rennah.

"We can't go after him," she said softly, holding his gaze.

James gritted his teeth and nodded; she was right. They had their orders and they had to take out the canon before more soldiers lost their lives ... but Cortez was his  _friend_. He was one of the few friends from Fehl who had survived the Collector attack.

He tried to shrug her hand off him. "I know. I'm sorry."

"Then why are you breaking cover?" Shepard snapped at him. Her strength surprised him as she forced him back behind a crumbing wall. Her eyes blazed as she held him to the spot. "Cortez, do you copy?"

The pause after she spoke seemed to last forever and every muscle in James' body tightened with apprehension.

_Please be okay. Please be okay. Please be okay._

" _I copy you, Commander."_  Cortez's voice broke the tense silence. He sounded breathless but alive, and James sagged with relief.  _"I'm okay, but I won't be picking you up - the shuttle is trashed. I've radioed in my position and yours, best I can do."_

"Thanks, Cortez. Stay safe." Shepard let her hand fall from James' shoulder as she turned back to the direction they needed to go. "We'll see you at base camp."

" _Yes, ma'am."_

"Everything okay?" Garrus asked quietly, he removed his helmet and fitted his visor.

Kaidan and Javik were watching them, and James wondered what they thought of him momentarily forgetting himself. Embarrassment slunk through him and his face burned with heat. There was no excuse for breaking cover when they had such an important mission. Taking down that canon was the priority, not their pilot.

"Its fine," he told them, straightening with purpose. "Sorry about that, Commander."

Shepard nodded. "I know. Don't let it happen again." She glanced around and gestured to the building. "We need to get moving.  _Now._ "

She jogged forward without looking back and James followed with shame still creeping through him. The path to the top of the building where the Hammer shuttle had crashed was littered with pockets of marauders and cannibals, almost as though they had been planted ready for them. They pushed forward in a haze of gun fire, tech attacks and sizzling biotic charges. With five of them on a team it made taking out the reaper troops relatively easy, but it was still a hard gruelling slog.

"There it is." James spotted the shuttle ahead of them, caught in a tangle of air conditioning ducts and hanging precariously on the edge of the building.

He swallowed down bile as they picked their way through the debris, the broken bodies of alliance soldiers laying tangled amongst the wreckage. Movement caught his attention and James whirled to see a Cannibal ripping into a soldier. It tore chunks of flesh from the dead marines face and crammed them into its mouth, gobbling them down with wet sucking sounds.

Rage bloomed inside of him and he bared his teeth as he fired off a carnage, knocking the foul creature off the body. It roared and spun, gnashing its teeth and rushed towards him, thick black liquid spilling from the hole he'd put in its face. He raised his weapon and fired, and its head exploded in a spray of gore; splattering over the ground.

He turned back to see Kaidan and Javik lift a twisted sheet of metal from the wreckage with their biotics, under which lay a weapons case. Shepard waved him over and James jogged to them, his eyes moving this way and that as he scanned for more reapers. He could feel them out there; it was only a matter of time before more of them converged on their position.

"What do we have?" he asked as he came to a stop.

The weapon's case was cracked and Shepard kicked the lid off with one foot. "A Cain."

James whistled and knelt by the gun, his eyes moving over the weapon and ammo. A brief stab of envy assailed him as Rennah reached in and picked it up, hefting it into her arms and testing its weight.

"You know, Lola, if that's too much for you, I can always do the honours," he offered.

James grinned broadly as she scoffed at him.

"I happen to like big guns," she told him haughtily as she turned and faced the canons in the distance. They sent out deafening pulses at regular intervals.

A banshee's screech echoed through the air and James whirled to face the sound. He brought up his gun as Kaidan, Javik and Garrus fanned out around him. Shepard glanced at them as she powered up the weapon. "Keep them off me for as long as you can."

"Can do," James told her as a banshee rounded the corner, its pale milky eyes focusing on them as it howled.

Husks and marauders followed closely behind, flowing around the banshee in a swarm. Another banshee followed the first, then another, and a surge of determination sweep through James. They could do this; they _had_  to buy Shepard time.

The world narrowed down firing one shot after another, to lobbing grenades and shooting off Carnages. The husks were troublesome, but Javik sent swathes of them flying off the building with well-placed shockwaves and slams. Kaidan and Garrus focused on the banshees, using their tech and biotic combinations to keep them at bay. James shot at anything that came close, but no matter how many he put down, an endless stream continued to pour forth.

"Get down," Shepard yelled after what felt like an eternity, and James took cover as she fired off the heavy weapon.

The gun fired with a thunderous noise and blast of heat, and James saw Rennah stumble back a step from the kick. The shot soared towards the canon, hit home, and the reaper tech exploded in a blinding flash. James swore and pulled Shepard down into cover as the dust and debris crashed over the building.

Then it was over and they were back on their feet again, fighting off the reaper troops who had crept closer during the blast.

A burst of static crackled from his earpiece and James tried to listen, but the distortion that came through was too garbled to make out. Shrugging, James focused on fighting as one of the banshees crept closer with its claw-like hands outstretched. Shepard lit up, glowing blue, and charged forward into the sickening creature. It crumpled under the force of her charge, its arms and legs akimbo, and Shepard pulled back almost immediately, dancing out of the reach of a husk which stumbled towards her.

"There's too many of them!" Kaidan gasped as he put down the husk threatening her and turned his attention to a marauder. "Commander, we have to pull back."

She growled but nodded. "Agreed."

The distortion crackled in James' earpiece again and he saw Shepard pause and press a hand against the side of her helmet. He still couldn't make it out properly, but he heard the word ' _shuttle'_  amongst the static and white noise. The message cut off and Shepard crouched next to him, lining up a shot at a marauder and firing until it fell.

"Shuttle's inbound," she yelled to the others, her hands trembling as she loaded another thermal clip. "We have to hold on a little longer."

"How long?" Kaidan asked as he pulled back beside them, switching to his assault rifle as he left his biotics cool down.

Shepard managed an exhausted grin and nodded to the far side of the building. "Not long."

James risked a peak over the top of the wall in time to see the Alliance shuttle descend towards them. Unlike the Normandy's shuttles, this one was pockmarked and scarred with dents and large scrapes, and the blue Alliance symbol was barely recognisable on its side. It swept down and hovered at the end of the building, the hatch opening. Two marines armed with assault rifles appeared in hatch and mowed down the new wave of husks swarming between them.

"Let's go!" Shepard leapt forward over the wall, charging forward biotically and knocking down a cannibal that stumbled in her way.

James rolled over the wall and sprinted for the shuttle as the reaper troops closed in. He slid under the grasping hands of a banshee, almost losing his footing on the loose rubble, but he forced himself onwards. He saw Kaidan catch a marauder with a Cryoblast and James automatically lobbed a Carnage at it, grinning despite their dire circumstances when the nasty beast exploded and sent several nearby husks toppling off the building.

"Nice," Garrus puffed approvingly as he ran.

They hurled themselves at the in with a final burst of speed; Shepard leaping across first followed by Kaidan, Garrus and James. Javik was last and trotted across the roof at a much slower pace, hurling biotic attacks at reapers right until the last moment. Shepard muttered something under her breath about Prothean arrogance and then the hatch was closed and the shuttle zoomed away, leaving the roof behind as it swarmed with reaper monstrosities.

"Shepard, welcome back."

James turned to see Anderson sitting in one of the drop seats, looking a little worse for wear but grinning from ear to ear. The admiral's eyes moved across all of them but they returned to Shepard, a genuine warmth shining from them.

"David!" Shepard grinned and reached down to clasp the hand he offered, gripping it a little tighter than protocol dictated. The look of relief on her face was palpable and James struggled not to grin as well as the two of them shared a moment.

Anderson pushed to his feet and thanked each of her team in turn, including Javik who arrogantly refused to shake his hand. James stowed his gun and moved closer to Shepard as she dropped exhaustedly into the seat Anderson had vacated. He frowned as he saw the dark circles under her eyes, her pale waxy skin and the faint tremble to her hands.

She'd mentioned not feeling well, but she looked  _much_  worse than she had on the ship. Either using her biotics and the physical exertion of the fight had taken it out of her, or something was more wrong than he'd realised. Anderson seemed to sense something was wrong too and he hung onto a handle on the roof and appraised her.

"Nice job taking out that canon," he told her quietly, his eyes thoughtful as they slid over her face. "This whole damn thing could have been for nothing if not for you."

She looked up and nodded, a small smirk quirking at the corners of her mouth. "I couldn't have done it alone. These guys held off a reaper swarm that scared the living fuck out of me."

Anderson nodded. "More of those things seem to appear every day. Getting to the beam won't be easy."

"What's the plan?" James asked.

Both of them looked at him and James had a moment to wonder if he'd spoken out of turn, but Shepard flicked her gaze to Anderson and cocked her head curiously.

"A few hours," the Admiral told them. "The first wave of the Alliance attack managed to lure the reapers away from the Crucible, but a lot of the Hammer teams haven't made it down. Too many damned harvesters. They're slowly reporting in but not as many as we'd hoped."

"Damn." Shepard closed her eyes and shook her head. "Do we have enough?"

"Maybe. We're giving it more time, but at this stage less than half the teams have made it down."

James winced at the thought of so many shuttles being shot down and his thoughts jumped to Cortez. "Any word of the Normandy's shuttle pilot?"

Anderson nodded. "One of our patrols picked him up on foot. He's fine, or as fine as a man can be in the black zone."

The shuttle began to descend and Shepard made a small sound of pain. James frowned and knelt beside her, peering up into her face. Her eyes were slightly glazed and she blinked rapidly as though having difficulties focusing.

"Lola, you okay?" he asked.

She shook her head. "I'm cold."

"Cold?" He frowned; the shuttle was exceptionally warm.

Anderson glanced down at him. "Shepard, are you injured?"

"No, I just … ." she trailed off and curled her hands into fists. "Something's wrong. I think it's Lev-"

Before she could finish her body jerked and went rigid, each muscle tensing as her eyes rolled up into her head. She made a noise that sounded like she was trying to speak and her hands convulsively opened and closed; a trickle of blood trickling from her nose. For a moment she stayed rigidly still, then she crumpled bonelessly forward like a puppet whose strings had been cut.

"Dios!" James swore as he caught before she could slide off the seat.

"Shepard!" Anderson gasped and moved forward with his hands outstretched. "What's wrong with her?"

"I don't know," James muttered truthfully as he pulled her limp form into his arms.

Kaidan pushed forward and knelt beside her body, scanning her prone form with his omni-tool. James gently touched her face; it was ice cold, almost clammy to the touch. He blinked in surprise. She'd experienced this before, the cold skin and the nosebleeds, and both times had been after Leviathan had taken control of her.

Kaidan glanced up with a frown. "Physically she's fine. Stressed, but fine." He took a deep breath and consulted his omni-tool again. "But her brain activity is going crazy."

"Could it be Leviathan?" James asked him.

Kaidan nodded and looked at Anderson. "Admiral, do you have any Leviathan orbs here?"

"Of course, most of our main Alliance bases have orbs to help stop reaper attacks. The Leviathan have been helping us." He looked concerned and knelt by them, reaching out to smooth Shepard's dark hair off her face. Anderson looked up and met James' eyes. "You think they're doing this?"

James glanced down as Rennah flinched and her eyes flickered behind her eyelids. "I think so, but I don't understand why."

The shuttle set down with a gentle bump and James gathered Shepard into his arms, grunting with the effort of picking her up in full armour. Kaidan stayed close beside him while Garrus and Javik followed behind, the three of them acting almost like an honour guard. Anderson led the way out of the shuttle and towards a bombed out building that seemed mostly intact and was being used as an infirmary of sorts.

James set Shepard down on a stained bed as medical staff swarmed around them, an exhausted doctor and nurse checking her vitals before moving off to talk quietly. They threw confused looks towards Shepard as they muttered quietly, clearly perplexed. He ignored them and dragged a chair up next to her bed and sat down.

"James?" Kaidan put a hand on his shoulder and James met his eyes. "Stay with Shepard," he told him. "I'm going to speak to Anderson and see if I can find this orb. Given how much power these things seem to have over indoctrinated people, I'm surprised the Alliance allowed them to be decoyed so freely."

"The Leviathan are helping stop the reapers. It makes sense to have them near Alliance installations in reaper territory, but, fuck me it's dangerous." James growled quietly and turned his attention back to Rennah. "I don't like it, but maybe if I was stuck here on Earth I'd feel the same way," he admitted.

"Yeah," Kaidan agreed quietly. "Things are bad here. Worse than I thought."

James nodded and took Shepard's hand, squeezing it gently as Kaidan patted his shoulder and moved off. He brought her hand to his mouth and kissed her palm, fighting off a sense of helplessness as she twitched and dreamed.

"Come on, Lola," he whispered, hoping she could hear him. "Wake up."

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**A/N – And now time for some shameless self-promotion! I've written two one-shot fics which might interest people; a James/femShep oneshot called _Athame's Delight_  and a James/femShep/Kaidan polyfic called  _Perfect Day_. I hope you like them if you do check them out!**

**But mostly I hope you liked this chapter! :D**


	70. Destroy Everything You Touch

_Disclaimer: I don't own Mass Effect_

**A/N - Once again a big thank you to everyone who read and reviewed the last chapter, it was much appreciated. A bit hug to my reviewers: Jules Hawk, TLCinbflo, Simone TRH, Jediserenity82, Anubis85, Lara Jayd, ela11, allypally27, Collard Greens, Lady Velvet C Peterson, Candle in the Night, mirxu, Centaurus - wow. You guys blew my mind.**

**I really hope you enjoy this chapter!**

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It was cold. So cold. The kind of cold that could reach icy fingers deep into your bones or squeeze the air from your lungs. The kind of cold that numbed fingers and toes. The kind of cold that  _hurt_. It was a kind of cold that had never known warmth and light; a kind of cold that devoured people whole.

Rennah floated in the frozen black.

Motionless.

Waiting.

The darkness seemed to stretch forever as Leviathan moved around her, circling like an oily shadow as it sent ripples through the black. Their presence built and throbbed behind her eyes; a constant thrumming pressure in her head. She curled her hands into fists and glared at the whispering shadows, waiting for them to say their piece.

And they did.

 **The end is close.** Their voice sounded inside of her head, loud and echoing.  **They fear you.**

Rennah blinked as a figure emerged from the darkness –  _Cain_  – and she stepped away from him without meaning to. It wasn't Cain, she  _knew_  that, but the movement had been an instinctual reaction. The pressure swam inside of her head, pulsing in time to her heartbeat as Leviathan wormed into her thoughts.

Intrusive.

Invading.

Demanding.

_She loathed them._

"I know that." She glared as Leviathan stopped in front of her. "What do you want?"

 **The Catalyst and Crucible are more than they seem. Once they are together you must activate it at any cost. You must destroy the Reapers. We have watched other civilisations construct it time and again, but only now is it possible that it may be used.** Cain shimmered and suddenly Anne Bryson stood in his place. She cocked her head to the side as though considering Rennah.  **The Catalyst, what you call the Citadel, is more than just the mechanism by which to activate the Crucible. It is alive. It will try to save itself. You must destroy it.**

The word destroy echoed inside of her head in a flash of red and fire, and Rennah winced as it seared behind her eyes.

"What do you mean by ' _more than they seem'_?" she grated out, her voice rough.

**It is our creation. It fears its own destruction. It fears you.**

Images flashed through her head, a confusing jumble that made no sense, but Rennah had an impression that the Citadel was  _alive_.

 _Impossible_ , she told herself,  _the Citadel is just an elaborate space station_.

Or was it?

No one had realised it was a Mass Relay before Sovereign tried to activate it. Was it that much of a stretch to image that it held other secrets?

"I don't understand." She crossed her arms, annoyed at the game Leviathan was playing with her.  _Why was everything a riddle with these fucking aliens?_  "You act like the Citadel can think and reason - as though it's alive."

Somehow it seemed to know what she was thinking, and a wave of disapproval washed over her. The pressure behind her eyes increased and Rennah winced, fighting to keep the pain at bay. She could taste the metallic tang of blood in her mouth, but when she spat there was nothing.

No doubt, back in the real world, she was bleeding because of these fucking things.

 **It** _**is** _ **alive. We created the intelligence behind the reapers and thus we created what lives inside the Catalyst.**

Rennah went still and her heart thudded hard in her chest; the icy darkness seeming to reach inside of her with freezing tendrils. "Are you telling me that this AI that you created, the one supposed to keep organics from destroying themselves,  _is_  the Citadel?"

**Yes. It fears you. You are an anomaly and were not expected. You defy its control.**

"So it knows I'm coming? It's waiting for me?" Frustrated she bared her teeth angrily as Anne Bryson changed back into Cain, and he narrowed his eyes at her. "Why the hell can't  _you_  destroy it?" she demanded as Cain began to circle around her.

**We fight. It was us who planted the idea of the Crucible within the minds of organics cycles ago. It has been planned for longer than you could possibly grasp. You are an anomaly. You were not foreseen. We will destroy it through you.**

Rennah sighed and rubbed her eyes; the headache and pressure were getting worse.

"Well what the hell am I supposed to do?" she asked finally. "I'm one person and anomaly or not I don't have a clue about how to stop it."

**It will try to save itself. Do not believe the lies it tells you. Your choices are simple – destruction or indoctrination. You must destroy it. Even if it costs your own life.**

Its words slapped against her, stinging like needles as they sunk into her mind. Her head jerked up and she found herself staring at Anne Bryson again.

"I'm  _not_  going to die," she growled angrily, rejecting the possibility.

 _But you might_ , a voice in the back of her head reminded her gently,  _even Hackett said it was a possibility when he told you the plan._

**All organics die. Life is created and life is destroyed, you know this. The Citadel is a weapon designed to destroy synthetic life. Part of you is synthetic. It will use this against you.**

Leviathan pushed against her mind, trying to make her agree with its viewpoint and she battered their thoughts away.

_This was her choice, not theirs._

"The Reapers must be destroyed," she agreed and the pressure on her mind receded;  _they were pleased_. "And the Alliance has taken precautions against a weapon designed to destroy synthetics. If things go badly and I die, then so be it. But I'm hoping it won't come to that."

**There is more than just your life at risk. Can you destroy the Reapers if it costs you allies? Friends?**

Images of the geth and of EDI fluttered before her, but she looked past them at Anne Bryon.

"It's a risk we're all willing to take if it means ending this war once and for all. EDI and the geth already know what's at stake."

**Good.**

Another series of images flashed though her mind, hard and sharp as though Leviathan were forcing them into her brain. She saw power conduits and cables in a hidden part of the Citadel. They crackled with energy as power flowed through them. The images focused on them intently and with an almost painful thrust of knowledge, Rennah knew that they had to be destroyed in order to activate the Crucible.

 **Destroy the Reapers once and for all.** _**Free us.** _

All at once Rennah felt them let go of her and she swam back to reality, pushing through the dark as the ice began to thaw. Sound returned first; the murmur of voices and the distant noise of someone shouting orders. Then came smell; medigel and blood, burning rubber and the faint scent of rot.

 _Earth_. She remembered all at once.  _I'm on Earth._

Rennah tried to sit upright and a bolt of pain shot through her body at the sudden movement. She cursed and opened her eyes as she carefully pushed herself into a sitting position. The room swam about her dizzyingly and she paused, waiting for head rush to fade before she finished easing herself upright and looked around.

She was in a bombed out building that appeared to have been made into a temporary hospital. James was talking quietly with some doctors near the entrance, and with a small grunt of pain she managed to swing herself to her feet and made her way in his direction.

Her head thumped painfully and her mouth was dry and sticky, and, judging from the way James' eyes widened when he glanced back and saw her, she probably looked every bit as bad as she felt.

"Lola," he left the doctor's midsentence and hurried to her, his warm body engulfing hers as he pulled her in for a hug. "I was starting to think you'd never wake up."

A small voice in the back of her head mumbled something about regulations, but she shushed it. She was about to go up against the power behind the reapers; fraternisation regulations weren't high on the list of things she really cared about. His arms tightened and her stomach fluttered in response, the warmth of his body chasing away the lingering cold.

A polite cough brought her back to reality.

Rennah caught James' hand and squeezed it comfortingly as she stepped back. "I'm fine," she reassured him.

He nodded and moved to the side. Anderson stood beyond him with two doctors, both of whom looked slightly surprised at the Lieutenant's display of affection. The Admiral looked less surprised and more amused.

"Good to see you're up, Shepard." Anderson stepped forward and shook her hand while the doctors descended on her with their Omni-tools, scanning and muttering to themselves. "What happened?"

She managed to bite back her waspish desire to snap at them to get away.

"Leviathan," she told him.

"Damn. We thought as much." He sighed heavily. "What did they want?"

She waited for the doctors to finish their scans and when they gave her the all clear she waved for him to follow her outside. James stayed a few paces behind them and, absurdly, she was reminded of the last time she'd been on Earth before her meeting with the Defence Committee.

"They told me that the Reapers know we're coming for them." She picked her way through rubble as she talked, leading them away from the hospital and idle ears. "And they gave me a crash course on how to activate the Crucible."

"It's hardly a surprise that the reapers know we're coming for them, is it?" Anderson put a hand on her arm and stopped her. "What else did they say? How we do we activate the crucible? The plans were surprisingly silent on that point."

"Near as I can tell there is a hidden part of the Citadel with a power conduit that needs to be disrupted." She paused and turned around, facing both men. "Leviathan gave me the impression that the intelligence behind the reapers, the one it created, is on the Citadel and that it's going to try and stop us."

The Admiral considered her for a long moment. "Destroying a power conduit in a hidden part of the Citadel sounds vague, Shepard. Can you be more precise?"

She shook her head. "No, but if we can find Javik I may be able to share the memories with him and he might be able to pass the images on to others so I'm not the only one who knows what we're looking for."

Anderson turned to James. "Lieutenant Vega, I want you to find Javik and bring him here at once. Last I saw him he was down near the barricade lecturing soldiers on what it meant to fight the reapers in  _his_  cycle."

Rennah hid her smile at the disgusted tone in Anderson's voice; evidently Javik had been his usual charming self.

"Yes sir." James nodded and jogged away.

Anderson watched him go and folded his arms thoughtfully. "Did Leviathan say anything else?"

Rennah nodded. "They said the weapon will destroy synthetic life and that I might not survive."

His head whipped back to look at her and his eyes darkened. "The Alliance assumed as much. Will our upgrades be enough? We assumed it would be an EMP of some kind."

She shrugged. "Honestly, I don't know, but it doesn't matter, does it? The reapers need to be stopped."

"It matters to a lot of people, Shepard." Anderson reached out and clasped her shoulder, his voice soft. " _You_  matter to a lot of people."

For a moment she watched James jog across the broken streets, her heart aching at the thought of leaving him. "I know," she agreed eventually. "And I intend to come back from this. I have faith in the Alliance."

"Now that's the Shepard I remember." Anderson gave her arm a squeeze and let her go. "Fingers crossed everything will go as planned. We'll be pulling the fleets out before it fires and rendezvousing at the mass Relay in the Exodus cluster."

_So much for Joker riding to my rescue._

"Good, but there's one more thing." She frowned and tried to find the words to explain her suspicions about Leviathan. "Something Leviathan said to me, well, it doesn't feel right. It told me to destroy the reapers and  _free them_ ; to free Leviathan." Rennah massaged her temples as the headache got worse. "David, what if we're slaying one demon just to let another one in? The Leviathan orbs, how many have you deployed throughout Council space?"

There was a pause and she heard him shuffle. "All of them. All major outposts have one and some of our larger dreadnaughts have them on board." He sounded hesitant, almost ashamed, and cleared his throat as though to dispel the sudden tension. "But we need them-"

"No we don't," she interrupted, raising her head to look at him. She caught his gaze and held it. "I don't trust Leviathan. Give the order now and get rid of the orbs."

"Shepard, they've been helping us. You don't really think they're going to turn around and betray us, do you?"

She scoffed and shook her head. "That's exactly what I think they're going to do. They don't think like you or me. They see us as tools to stop the Reapers and that's about all. Once the reapers are gone who knows what they'll do. They're old and powerful, and we're nothing but bugs to them. I don't trust them, David." Rennah straightened and tried to give him her sternest  _Commander Shepard_  look. "Trust me and get rid of the orbs. After today we won't need them anymore anyway."

He sighed. "You're right. I'll make the preparations to ensure the orbs are all shielded."

"Thank you." She pulled her gaze from his and looked down to see James heading back in their direction –  _alone_. "I'm going to find Javik. I'll send him to find you once he has the memory."

The Admiral nodded and pointed at one of the buildings nearby. "We have a makeshift QEC set up in there, I'm going to try to reach Hackett and pass on what you learned. When you're ready come and find me."

Rennah saluted and made her way down to meet James, her boots crunching and slithering over the unsteady piles of debris. The sky was dark with smoke and ash, and the distant shapes of reapers moved through the city, their red lights glowing ominously in the gloom. It was hard to believe she was back on Earth, especially since it looked more like Tuchanka.

"Javik?" she asked as she reached James.

He gestured behind him in the direction of the main barricade, a frown etched onto his face. "He's down there brooding. Said if you want his help you'll need to come find him yourself. Damned  _pendejo_."

He scowled and spat on the ground in apparent disgust of the Prothean's lack of team spirit.

"I can't say I'm surprised," she admitted. "He's surly enough in the best of circumstances, I don't think anything short of seeing the reapers all dead and knowing his race has been avenged will appease him."

"Yeah, but this is going to help us  _beat_  the reapers, I'd have thought he'd be all over it." He sounded as frustrated as she felt, and Rennah couldn't help but grin at him.

"Don't worry, he'll help us. Javik just needs to feel important." She gave James a wry smile and started to walk in the direction that he'd pointed, but he caught her arm and swung her around.

"Hold up for a second, Lola. I haven't had a chance to see you properly since you woke up." James pulled her close and peered into her face, his brown eyes sweeping over her features. "Leviathan seemed to really do a number on you this time."

"Yeah, it's never nice when they decide to drop in for a chat." She tried to make light of it, but James wasn't fooled.

"I was worried," he confessed and swallowed hard. He snaked an arm about her waist and gently traced her face, his fingertips lightly following the curve of her jaw and tickling along her lips. "I feel so helpless watching you go through that and knowing there isn't anything I can do to help you."

"I'm okay," she reassured him. "I have a bit of a headache, but I'm fine. The doctors wouldn't have let me walk out if there was something wrong."

He sighed. "I know, but it doesn't stop me worrying about you. I don't know what I'd do without you."

She could see the fear and anxiety in his eyes, everything he was holding back for fear of stressing her out, and it  _hurt_  to see it. They were all at breaking point thanks to the war, but Leviathan had made it all the worse for her, not least because it had brought up something which she'd been desperately trying not to think about; that today might be the last day of her life.

There was every chance that when she went up there the Crucible would short out her synthetic parts and she'd die. The Alliance had upgraded them and Hackett had confessed that part of the upgrades had included backup systems in case the worst happened, but even that couldn't guarantee her anything. She'd  _wanted_  to tell James after the meeting with the brass on the Normandy, but she hadn't been able to find the words.

How did you tell the person you love that you might die? How the hell was she supposed to look him in the eye and tell him that today might be the last day for them to be together? She couldn't. She wouldn't. The thought of seeing pain in his eyes over something that  _might_  happen was too much for her to bear, so she was doing the cowardly thing and saying nothing.

"Lola, I-"

She went up on tiptoes and kissed him before he could say anything else, and before anything could show in her eyes. Hungrily, she sealed her mouth to his and wrapped her arms around his neck, holding on for dear life. The kiss simmered with passion and even as she heard the marines around them begin to whistle and cheer at the sight of Commander Shepard kissing another marine, she kept her mouth to his.

It was as much a reassurance as it was a goodbye.

James deserved so much more than she could ever give him. How she'd been lucky enough to find him she had no idea, but she'd be damned if she added to his stress by telling him about something that might happen. Instead she kissed him with all the passion and love she had for him. Everything she felt and every single thing she wanted to say, she poured into the kiss.

_I love you, James Vega._

When she drew away she was breathless and James grinned sheepishly as some of the marines called out for them to get a room – and other less chaste suggestions. Rennah grinned and raised an eyebrow, reveling in the reaction they'd caused.

"You know," James drawled as he caught her hand in his and they strolled away from the boisterous soldiers. "I wasn't going to do that in front of Admiral Anderson. For some reason it feels like I'm kissing you in front of your dad."

She laughed and leaned against him, taking comfort in the warmth and security he offered. "Well, he acts like it often enough."

"Does that mean you've told him about … ?" James pointed at the ring on his dog tags with his free hand, and Rennah grinned and shook her head.

"Are you kidding?" she laughed. "After all my teenage speeches about self-reliance and not needing a man in my life? I think Anderson would laugh himself silly at the thought of me getting married, let alone marrying a jarhead like  _you,_  Lieutenant Vega."

She nudged him with her shoulder and he squeezed her waist, gazing down at her affectionately.

"Well," He shrugged and let her disentangle herself as they drew up alongside the building that held the Alliance's makeshift QEC. "I suppose they'll be plenty of time to let him know when all this is done."

"Damn right there will be," Rennah agreed readily, latching onto his optimism.  _They were going to make it through this. Somehow._ She paused and nodded towards the QEC as a niggling thought struck her about Hackett's plan to evacuate the fleets when the Crucible fired. "I'm just going to stop for a moment and make a few calls."

James' good humour vanished and he nodded soberly. "Touching base with friends?"

"Sort of." She pulled a face. "I need to check up on a few people and make sure they made it to Earth, but I have to put in a call to EDI first."

"EDI?" He looked surprised. She couldn't blame him.

"Yeah," Rennah took a deep breath. "I need her to do me a favour."

"About?" James folded his arms across his chest, evidently sensing  _something_  was up.

For a moment she paused, debating how much to tell him, then she let out the breath she'd been holding and straightened under his gaze. James was going up to the Citadel with her; he deserved to know what it was she needed EDI to do, especially since it may well affect him too.

She met his eyes unflinchingly and began to explain. "It's about Joker … ."

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**A/N - *Makes mysterious noises* I hope you guys liked that! Hopefully the next chapter will be up soon!**

**And now a few amazing Shega fic recs! Check these out if you have a moment. They're amazing and totally worth a read: _It's What's Next_  by TLCinbflo and  _Off The Edge_  by CommanderSpectre.**


	71. Running Up That Hill

_Disclaimer: I don't own Mass Effect_

**A/N - As always a big thank you to everyone for sticking with me and a huge, huge thank you to the people who read and review. You give me warm fuzzies and you make my day when you leave feedback! Now, although we are getting closer to the end of the story, there is still a nice little chunk to go yet. And hopefully you'll all bear with me and my need to slightly diverge from canon in the coming chapters.**

**This chapter made me cry when I write it - I hope you all like it.**

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James jumped as Garrus fired off a round from his sniper rifle, the shot echoing loudly in the confines of the burnt out building they were bunkered down in. The turian didn't apologise as he ejected the a red hot thermal clip and inserted another, quickly sighting through the scope as he watched for approaching reapers. Around them, soldiers sat or stood, checking thermal clips and applying medigel to wounds.

Shepard was slumped against the wall beside him, patching up a nasty wound that she'd taken just under her shoulder guard. He could smell the blood from where he was - a coppery sweet smell that made his nose wrinkle - but the wound was superficial and the medigel would clot and heal it quickly. And given the sheer number of reaper troops they'd faced so far on their push to the beam, they were all lucky not to have more serious wounds.

His own body ached badly, especially his right knee where friendly fire had hit him in the middle of a firefight. The bullet hadn't penetrated his armour but it had hit with enough force to knock him off his feet, and that moment on the ground had almost cost him his life when a cannibal rushed at him.

Thankfully Kaidan caught the disgusting mound of flesh in a lift and Rennah had taken its head clean off with a shotgun blast, but the rush of reaperfied troops had almost overwhelmed them and they'd been forced back into cover. They had no idea where Anderson and his company of soldiers were; in the chaos it had been impossible to keep track of anyone except their own small company.

But they were alive, and that counted for something.

"Commander?" James looked up as one of the other Commanders jogged over to Shepard, his armour pockmarked and coated with gore. "We can't raise Admiral Anderson or any of the other teams."

She sighed and pushed off the wall, crumpling up the medigel packet and tossing it to the ground. "No matter, we'll rally the troops and push on."

"Yes, ma'am." He saluted and moved off, barking out orders and getting the troops together.

James glanced across and met Rennah's eyes, giving her a brief and weary smile.

"How's the shoulder?" he asked, eyeing her blood stained armour.

She rolled her shoulder and grimaced. "Hurts like all hell, but I can still hold my gun."

James chuckled and straightened beside her as Javik and Kaidan found them. "Well, not far to go now, right? We just have to make the beam and then-"

"And then we have to dock the Crucible with the Catalyst and find a way to fire it," Shepard interjected with a wry smile. "Easy peasy, right?"

"Sounds like more button pushing to me," James said with a smile, ignoring the sarcasm in her tone. "That should be a breeze compared to fighting Cerberus and shooting reapers."

"You'd think so, wouldn't you?" Her smile turned heavy, almost sad, and she turned away to finish securing her equipment.

James stifled a sigh as he felt the walls come up between them again. She'd been like this since they'd left for the beam, distant and quiet, every time he met Shepard's gaze he felt as though a small part of him was being ripped away. She'd said her farewells to the members of the crew who weren't coming on the final push on the beam, and she'd made several QEC calls to people she cared about, but she'd deliberately avoiding talking to him.

And he knew why; his Lola was scared.

He could see it in the shadows in her eyes, in her body language and the way her biotics flared nervously when he was near. The emotional strain was wearing on her almost as much as the physical stress, and the news she'd received when she tried to contact Kasumi through the QEC had compounded it; Kasumi was missing.

The thief had been on the Citadel when the reapers took control of it and hadn't been heard from since. No one on the Citadel had; no council, no Bailey and no Kasumi. She was probably dead, as was everyone who had been on the Citadel, and James knew the knowledge weighed heavily on her.

Rennah's talk with EDI had gone better - or at least it had gone as well as it could have considering what she was asking the AI to do. Joker would be livid when he found out, and James was glad he wasn't going to be on board the Normandy when the AI followed through on Shepard's orders. He still wasn't sure if it was a good idea, but he understood why she was asking it of EDI; the Normandy and her crew were Shepard's family, and they meant too much for her to let them risk themselves.

But if things went wrong-

_Things won't go wrong_ , James told himself firmly.  _Everything is going to be fine._

Yeah, and maybe if he told himself that a few hundred more times he might actually start believing it.

James watched as Shepard finished loading ha fresh clip with a trembling hand, and before he could stop himself he reached out a hand and lightly touched her arm. "Lola, you ready for this?" he asked.

She stilled and looked up, finally meeting his eyes.

"Yeah," Rennah said softly. "As ready as I'll ever be. You?"

"I'm up for anything." He tried to grin but wasn't sure if it reached his eyes. "Though seeing London like this certainly puts a dampener on things."

"You can say that again." She glanced out the window and then back at him. "Being here and seeing Earth like this is enough to suck the life out of me. I know we have the best plan possible, but when I look out and see all this destruction I can't help but wonder how the hell we're going to get through this. How the hell can we defeat something capable of doing this?" She waved a hand at the broken city.

Which was exactly what  _he'd_  been thinking.

James caught her hand in his and gave it a reassuring squeeze. "We'll find a way, love. And when all of this is over you can bet we'll be here to help put things right."

"I hope so." She returned the pressure on his hand and slowly pulled her fingers from his as she stepped away. "Let's go."

Garrus leapt down from his perch and trailed them wordlessly as they headed back onto the street again. Behind him came Javik and Kaidan, and after them followed the remaining Alliance soldiers, their boots crunching on the broken concrete footpath. The street was quiet outside, too quiet, and James felt the hairs on the back of his neck stand on end as they pushed forward, creeping along the shattered streets.

An unholy shriek echoed around them and the men fanned out, taking cover as a lone banshee charged into view in a crackling wave of blue light. It was taken out in a desperate a barrage of fire, and then the group pushed on, weaving between burnt-out cars and heaped up rubble. James tried not to see the broken bodies lying scattered amongst the ruins; civilians and soldiers. Some bodies were so rotted and putrefied that he couldn't tell if they'd been human or husk.

"These people never had a chance," Rennah said quietly as she paused near the body of a man who was half crushed under a cement slab. One arm had been ripped away and his face was a bloody ruin, as though a wild animal had gnawed at him.

James nodded, but didn't let his eyes linger on the corpse as he kept moving. "Better that then being made into one of them," he told her as he nodded at a dead husk sprawled nearby. "These people were the lucky ones."

"You could be right," Rennah agreed as she stopped in front of him so suddenly he almost ran into her. "Though it feels wrong to call  _this_  lucky."

James' blood ran cold as he saw what had stopped her in her tracks; several children lay on the street ahead of them, their tiny bodies twisted and broken. Their corpses were old, bloated and black, and pools of something dark spread around them. Bile rose in his throat, thick and sour, and he swallowed harshly as he heard other soldiers emptying their stomachs around him.

Shepard struck off again and James hurried after her, desperate to leave the grisly scene behind.

The street opened up into a wide avenue and the sounds of battle grew around them. There was a roar, and a blinding flash lit up the sky as several Alliance shuttles flew overhead; harvesters chasing after them and hurling fiery balls. James followed Rennah as she sprinted ahead, using her biotics to Throw a Marauder out of her path and finishing him off with a Slam.

The number of soldiers around them seemed to swell and with relief James realised that they were marines from other companies. He saw turians and krogans among them, and their battle cries rang loudly on the air as they rushed forward and hurled themselves as the enemy. James took out as many reaper troops as he could, but his focus was on keeping up with Rennah as she charged forward in a bright blue streak, bowling through husks as though they were made of paper.

A sharp bolt of paint shot up his leg as he leapt over the carcass of a brute and landed badly on his knee, but he kept moving, pushing himself hard to catch up to Shepard. She stopped and waited when she reached the top of a small rise that gave them a breathtaking view of the final stretch of land to the beam. James halted beside her, glancing behind him as the rest of their small team caught up.

"We have a reaper incoming," Kaidan reported, holding one hand to his earpiece to block out the screams and gunfire around them. "Destroyer class. Reports indicate it's Harbinger."

"Fuck." James slammed a fresh thermal clip into his assault rifle as the huge reaper flew in low over them, shaking the ground and rattling his armour. He turned eyes to Rennah as she straightened. "What do we do?"

She looked at him and a small smile curled across her face; fierce and terrible. "We follow the plan, of course."

He hefted his gun and nodded. "So, run like hell?"

"Run like hell," Rennah confirmed.

She held his eyes for a moment longer and then turned back to the beam so fast James almost missed the flash of fear in her violet orbs. He followed her gaze; soldiers were already running for the beam in waves, assault vehicles manoeuvring around them. Harbinger landed near the beam, squatting over it like a mother protecting a baby, and immediately fired its laser. The red beam sliced across the ground with a piercing electronic buzz, ripping apart men and machine alike.

James swore and gripped his gun tighter as a primal fear swept through him.

"Run like hell," he repeated grimly as Shepard threw him one last look and leapt forward.

He flung himself after her, ignoring the piercing pain in his knee and the ceaseless scream of anxiety as he neared the reaper. Harbinger was huge; far bigger than he'd realised from a distance, and the closer he got, the more he desperately wished he could run in the other direction. He felt like an ant running towards a boot; destined to be squashed flat.

Dead soldiers that lay scattered across their path; some intact with wide staring eyes and others reduced to bloody scraps of meat. It was horrific, worse than anything he'd seen so far, and James deliberately let his eyes slide over the dead as he skirted around chunks of rubble.

Harbinger fired its beam again and the searing red laser cut through the air, passing perilously close to where their small team was running. James cursed and threw himself to the side, landing badly but managing to roll to his feet just as Javik and Garrus raced past. He hurried after them; his legs aching and his breath sobbing in his throat.

The laser swept back in the other direction and James stumbled again as several assault vehicles caught in its path exploded. Their fiery carcasses soared into the sky, tumbling end over end as they came crashing down directly in his path, bouncing and skidding across the terrain. James tried to leap to the side as a burning mako rushed towards him, but it was too fast and too big, and before he had time to even comprehend what was happening the wreck came down on top of him.

A sickening crunch ran through his body as one side of the wreck crushed his leg, snapping his armour and bones. James screamed, unable to stop himself as blinding pain rolled over him – so total that it was like fire in his veins. The red hot agony was so consuming that he didn't notice when the wreck rolled over him and bounced to a stop several metres away, all he knew was that he was injured.

Badly injured.

Hands grabbed him, pulling and dragging him into cover as the ground shook and the sound of Harbingers laser tore through the air again. He gritted his teeth as his armour's medical VI injected medigel into the wound and the sharpness of the pain began to abate, not disappearing completely but dulling enough that he could think again.

"James?"

He opened his eyes through the burning haze of agony as he head Rennah's voice. She was crouched in front of him, her pale face streaked with blood and her eyes dark with worry as she checked his leg. Behind her he saw Kaidan dragging Javik's prone form into cover, and Garrus joined them with one arm hanging limply from its socket, his blue armour cracked and coated with blood.

"Normandy, I need an immediate evac. Come in on my signal." Rennah was speaking quietly and quickly into her radio, but her eyes stayed on his leg.

James tried to move and had to bite back a scream as pain ripped through him and grey spots danced in his vision. When he blinked again the Normandy was hovering close by, marines firing from the ramp to keep reaper troops at bay. He blinked and realised he was losing time; that wasn't a good sign. It meant his injury was worse than he'd realised.

"On your feet, Lieutenant. Now!" Rennah caught hold of his arm and pulled him up.

James grunted in agony as Kaidan took hold of his other arm and together they got him to his feet, half-carrying him towards the Normandy. His bad leg trailed uselessly behind him, and his vision clouded with excruciating pain as he half tried to talk and accidentally put weight on it. Someone told him not to try to use his leg, possibly Kaidan, but it was hard to tell through the roaring of blood in his ears.

He tried to focus.

"Take him."

Rennah's voice sounded far away and tinny, as though he were listening to her from down a tunnel, and James' head snapped up as he looked around; they were standing at the top of the Normandy's ramp and he had no memory of reaching it. Groggily he felt Shepard slip out from under his arm, giving his full weight to Kaidan who was still on his other side.

_She was going back without him_ , he realised.

"Lola, I can still fight." James caught hold of her arm, dizzyingly watching as Garrus stumbled up the ramp behind her, his blood splashing on the ground. Two marines carried Javik between them, and with difficulty James made himself focus on Rennah. "You're not going back without me."

She searched his face, her violet eyes sad as she stepped close and cupped his face. "Yes I am, I have to."

_No._

Panic surged through him, drowning out the pain as he realised she really was about to leave him here and go on without him.

"Then I'm going with you-"

James tried to break free from Kaidan but agony ripped through him as soon as he put weight on his leg, and he sagged uselessly against the biotic.

Rennah tilted his face up and stared into his eyes for a long moment, then she leaned down and crushed her mouth against his, wrapping her arms tightly around his neck. Her lips were warm and soft, and the kiss was a blissful moment of peace while the storm raged around him. But there was something desperate in her embrace, and as she drew back and he saw the glimmer of tears in her eyes and knew it was goodbye.

It was written plainly across her features and it ripped his heart out to see it.

"Rennah-"

She shook her head and put her fingers to his lips. "You changed my life, James Vega. You made me feel again. No matter what happens you remember  _that_ , and remember that I love you."

James clutched her hand tightly, unwilling to let go because it meant watching her walk away. But she tugged it free with gentle persistence and he nodded as tears rolled down his cheeks, big fat drops that he was helpless to stop. She kissed him again, a slow, gentle kiss; a goodbye kiss.

_She was leaving._

"I love you too," he whispered brokenly as she stepped back, her expression a mixture of determination and despair. "And I'm going to come and find you when this is over. I promise."

She nodded as though she didn't trust herself to speak, then she turned her eyes on Kaidan and Garrus, nodding at them both before she turned in a flash of violet eyes and inky black hair. Her armour was bloodied and burned, and the air around her was stained red from the reaper's light, but she still looked beautiful as she vanished back to the hell that was Earth.

She didn't look back.

James bit back a sob as the ramp started to close and Kaidan helped him inside, another marine quickly taking his other arm as they all but carried him up to medbay. The Normandy rocked around him as something hit it, but then he felt them lift off; the ship's Eezo core whining as Joker pushed it to its limit to escape the Earth's gravity. James barely noticed as he replayed getting hit by the burning mako over and over, cursing himself for falling moments before and losing precious time.

_If he'd been a little faster or a little more careful …_

"Set him on the bed, Alenko. I'll need your help to get his armour off so I can get to his leg once I've tended to our prothean friend."

He blinked as he realised he was in the medbay and that it was Doctor Chakwas voice he was hearing; was he losing time again? James groaned as he was set down on a bed and the room spun around him. He closed his eyes while he waited for the vertigo to pass, but opened them when he felt hands unclipping his armour.

It was Kaidan.

"I'm sorry buddy, but this is going to hurt like hell," the Major told him as he moved down to his injured leg.

James frowned. "What is-"

Red hot agony speared through him, burning like acid in his blood as Kaidan began to work his crumpled thigh guard off. James screamed, unable to help himself, and must have passed out again, because when he next became aware of his surroundings his armour was gone and his under armour had been cut off his injured leg. Kaidan stood next to his bed looking grey with fatigue and strain.

James felt heavy and warm, and he realised they must have given him something for the pain, though his leg still throbbed painfully.

"Where's Lola?" he asked groggily, trying to sit up.

Kaidan hastily pushed him down and ignored his question. "Don't try to move."

"Then don't fucking ignore my question," James slurred as he grabbed his arm, fighting through the waves of lethargy. "What happened? Where is she?"

"We don't know," he admitted quietly and pulled out of his grasp. "You haven't been out long, but the reports aren't promising. Harbinger almost completely wiped out the Hammer teams. A handful of injured soldiers have been picked up like we were, but only two life signs made it to the beam. That's it."

James let Kaidan disentangle himself from his suddenly numb fingers and his hand dropped back to the bed. "Two people?" His voice cracked and he saw Kaidan's jaw tense. "Out of all those soldiers, you're telling me only  _two people_  made it?"

_One of them was Shepard. It had to be._

The biotic nodded. "We haven't had any radio contact from whoever they are – something is jamming the signal – but Hackett has ordered the Crucible through the Mass Relay." He rubbed a hand across his face, smearing ash and blood, and looked down at James again. "I'm not giving up hope. We only need one person to activate the Crucible and end this, just one. There's still a chance."

James nodded and struggled to stay positive as despair began to sink claws into him – one person was all they needed, but one person wasn't likely to be enough. Someone touched his leg and fiery pain shot through him, and he looked down to see Chakwas carefully checking him over. For the first time he saw his injury, and he sight was enough to almost make him sick.

His leg was a mess; his knee was dislocated and his leg bent at an unnatural angle, and his thigh bone had snapped and a shard was protruding through his skin. Desperately he ripped his gaze off the injury and forced his thoughts back to Rennah; s _he was one of the people who had made it. It had to be her. Nothing could stop Commander Shepard._

"Lola made it," he told Kaidan through clenched teeth as Chakwas began to manipulate his leg and the mind-numbing agony ran though him. "I know she's still alive. She's going to do this."

Kaidan's eyes glittered and he nodded. "Yeah, if anyone could make it through that hell on Earth it's her."

He started to turn away, either because his emotions were getting too much or to check on another patient, but James reached out and grabbed his arm again. His fingers felt fat and clumsy from whatever they'd given him, but he held on tightly.

"If you hear any news, good or bad, let me know, okay?" he asked, trying to ignore the sick hollow feeling that swept through him at the thought of hearing bad news.

Kaidan just nodded and pulled out of his grasp, he didn't say a word as he moved across the other side of the room where Javik lay unconscious, though James suspected he was moving away to compose himself. He blinked slowly as a thought wormed its way through his head; Jack had been down there as part of Hammer team. Which meant Kaidan was going through exactly the same thing he was; hoping and praying that she'd made it through somehow.

"Lieutenant Vega?" Chakwas appeared over him, her face swimming in his vision as he struggled to break free of the fuzzy warmth seeping through him.

"Yeah?" He blinked to focus his eyes.

"You have a  _very_  nasty compound fracture and you've lost a lot of blood. I need to sedate you while I patch you up, do you understand?" Her eyes met his, earnest and clear.

James tried to nod. "Do what you need to, Doc."

"Good man." She patted him on the shoulder and set to work.

He felt a sting as she injected something, and then the darkness hovering at the edge of his vision began to well up and the tingling warmth in his extremities started to spread through his body. His thoughts tumbled about inside of him; flashes of memories that slipped past him like wisps of smoke. Rennah the first time he saw her in the flesh, of the first time he'd called her Lola and the first time they'd made love. But his final thought before the blackness swallowed him whole was a plea, a desperate prayer that he sent out into the dark.

_Stay alive, Lola, and no matter what it takes, stay safe and be there when I get home._

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**A/N - My poor Jimmybean!** **I hope you all enjoyed that as much as you're able. Reviews and feedback are always appreciated.**


	72. Lights in the Sky

_Disclaimer: I don't own Mass Effect_

**A/N – I'm so sorry for how long this chapter took. I really struggled with it because it's so big and important in the game. No, this is not the last chapter – there are still a few more chapters to go. Thank you so much to everyone who is reading, following along and especially to my reviewers – your feedback means so much to me. Without you I'm not sure I could have taken my fic this far. Thank you for believing in me and for enjoying my story.**

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Rennah jammed the quick injector between what was left of her armour plates on her thigh, biting back a scream as the needle pierced deeply and dumped the cocktail of stimulants, pain killers and medigel into the massive wound on her leg. She pulled it out after a minute and flung it away, her hands curling into fists as she fought back the waves of pain. Slowly the drugs did their job and the pain receded, and with a groan of relief she put her hands onto the floor, intending to get to her feet; instead she froze as her hands sunk into something cool, wet and slippery.

Blood, she realised as she focused through the gloom, she was sitting in a pool of congealed blood and clumps of thicker meatier bits. Nausea swept through her and Rennah swallowed hard as she forced herself up and off the floor;  _I don't have time to be sick_. Agony shot through her as she put weight on her leg, and she bit her lip to stop herself from screaming.

"You can do this, Shepard," she groaned to herself in the dark. "Just get fucking moving."

The last fifteen minutes had been a nightmare.

Seeing James get injured and realising she would have to leave him behind had ripped her heart out, and there was a sharp ache in her chest that had nothing to do with an injury and everything to do with saying goodbye to the man she loved. He should have been here with her, encouraging her along and keeping her spirits up with his banter. Rennah smiled wryly at the thought, but the exhaustion and pain were unrelenting and her smile faded as she focused on putting one foot in front of the other.

She sighed; she hadn't looked back as she'd left James on the Normandy. She hadn't been able to. Instead she'd turned and run, her eyes blurred with tears, and had  _almost_  got herself killed.

The fucking reaper had been carving swathes across the battlefield with its beam, and she'd only seen the laser coming towards her at the last minute. She'd survived, but her armour was cracked and burned, and her leg was killing her. Almost unconsciously Rennah reached down and pressed on the wound, recoiling away as pain lanced through her, sharp and fresh.

_Idiot!_  She reprimanded herself.  _Leave your fucking wounds alone!_

Getting to her feet and forcing herself to cross those last few meters to the beam had been the hardest thing she'd ever done. She'd hurt so much, and had functioned on auto-pilot; taking out husks and a marauder with a handgun. The blast had rattled her so badly that she hadn't even thought to use her biotics to defend herself – she just fired blindly as she stumbled into the beam.

And here she was.

_But where was here?_

_Had she made it?_

_Was she on the Citadel?_

Rennah looked around as she limped forward, peering through the dingy light at the towering piles of  _something_  either side of her. There was a scuttling sound ahead and she turned with her gun up, the barrel trembling as she sighted on the spindly-legged creature that appeared in front of her dragging …  _a body_?

_A keeper_ , she realised dazedly.  _It was a keeper dragging a dead body._

It moved past her, oblivious, and began to pull the corpse apart, ripping off limbs and sorting them neatly. Rennah swallowed convulsively as she realised the towering piles around her were all  _bodies_. Asari, turians, salarians, elcor, batarians, humans, hanar and volus. When she looked closely she could see thousands of bodies in various state of decomposition. The dead were piled up carelessly, casually, as though they were waiting for sorting.

An image of the human reaper she'd seen in the Collector base flashed through her mind, and Rennah swallowed again. Was that what they were doing? Storing the dead so they could make them into more reapers? No way would she let that happen; not on her watch.

Rennah pressed the transceiver in her ear as she staggered along and received a burst of static for her trouble. She winced and began to speak, "Is anyone reading me? This is Commander Shepard. I made it to the Citadel and am proceeding forward to locate the Catalyst's activation console."

"Shepard?" A familiar voice crackled in her ear and she almost sagged in relief.

"Anderson? You made it too?" She glanced around as she talked, but all she could see were the endless mounds of dead and the scuttling shapes of the keepers. "Where are you?"

There was a pause and she heard him grunt. "I'm not sure. I came up in the beam just after you but it seems to have sent me to another part of the station; some place I've never seen before. I was in a kind of storage room with the dead, but I'm out of there now -  _thank God_. I just passed over a bridge and I'm following the path up towards a light source."

"Yeah, I'm in a similar room here. Lots of bodies and lots of keepers. I'm following the path now."

Rennah limped out of the creepy corpse room and into an open space. The clean air was a welcome relief after the cloying rotted smell in that room and she drew in a deep breath. The path stretched out over a terrifying chasm ahead and she guessed this was the bridge Anderson had talked about. Either side of her she could see other such 'bridges' in the distance and guessed she was at the very centre of the Citadel.

"I found that bridge you mentioned," she told Anderson as she stepped forward. "I'm heading across."

"Roger that, Shepard. I'm almost at-" Anderson's voice cut out with a burst of static and the radio went dead.

"Anderson?" Rennah paused and tried him again. "Anderson, are you receiving me?"

Static hissed in her ear.

Growling with frustration at her own limited speed, Rennah limped on, gritting her teeth against the sharp pain pulsing up from her injured leg. About halfway across the bridge she froze for a second; something wasn't right. She could feel it in her bones. There was a slimy dark creeping feeling in the air that set her teeth on edge and made her skin crawl. She continued moving but kept a careful lookout on the doorway ahead.

The path curved up and her leg muscles began to burn and throb from even that slight exertion. She concentrated on placing one foot in front of the other, but every step was agony and before long her under armour was soaked with blood and sweat. Her shoulder wound had torn open again and was bleeding badly, and her leg was raw and bloody, but she only had one packet of medigel left and she didn't want to use it until she absolutely had to.

But she hurt. Oh God, did she hurt.

Lights danced in front of her eyes as she reached the top and staggered against a wall, keeping one hand on it to steady herself as she paused for a second to catch her breath. She heard voices, angry and frustrated, and with determination she raised her gun and edged forward, stepping into the light with her gun raised.

Or rather, she stepped face to face with the Illusive Man; who was waiting for her with a gun clenched tightly in his hand. His eyes, crazed and glowing blue, swept from her to Anderson.

"Ah, Shepard!" he drawled. "We've been waiting for you, haven't we Admiral?"

"Careful!" Anderson spoke quietly, clearly trying not to inflame a tense situation. "He's indoctrinated."

The Illusive Man glared at him. "I'm  _not_  indoctrinated! I'm doing what's best for humanity! With the Crucible at our disposal we could control the reapers!" He turned his greasy gaze on Rennah and flung one arm out. "Just think! All this technology and power working for human kind instead of against us! There is nothing we couldn't do!"

Rennah swallowed and kept her gun up, willing her aching arms and trembling legs to obey her for just a little longer. The Illusive Man looked terrible; his skin was blotched with black and grey, his face was pale and his eyes sunken like that of a corpse. He looked like a walking nightmare, like something that would shamble out of a cemetery in the dead of night and take a chunk out of you.

"I think you've gotten a little too close to the reapers," she told him with a scowl, eyeing his repulsive appearance. "No one in their right mind would try to control the reapers. It's not possible!"

"It's is possible!" he snarled, and Rennah winced as the air seemed to tighten. Her vision fluttered with dark spots and her body froze; as though a giant hand had curled its fingers around her. The Illusive Man gnashed his teeth. "Your problem is that you have no vision, Shepard! Look at what happened to every other race who stood against the reapers! Look at the protheans! They fought and they lost! What make you think we'll do any better?"

"Because we're not them!" She shouted back, her temper fraying as she felt the creeping pressure settle around her again. "We built the Crucible, not them! We can stop this! Right now! The only thing stopping us is you!"

_Why couldn't he see that?_

The Illusive man laughed. "No, the only one stopping humanity from reaching their full potential is  _you,_  Shepard! But thanks to what I learned on Horizon you won't be a problem."

He narrowed his eyes and Rennah ground her teeth as the same slimy feeling she could remember from Horizon crept up around her. It slithered through her mind like thick black oil; clinging to her thoughts with sticky tendrils and whispering that Anderson was the enemy. She tensed her hand on the gun and shook her head to rid herself of the darkness, trusting in the prothean resistance to the reapers and in whatever Leviathan had done to her.

The whispering grew louder and the Illusive Man frowned furiously as she ignored the tugging at the corners of her mind.

"Why isn't it working?" he demanded. "They said it would! They said I could control you!"

"Who said you could control me?" Rennah asked, ignoring the pulsing tendrils which willed her to turn her gun on Anderson. It was like a compulsion, almost a desire, but she knew it wasn't her choice and she fought it, choosing to keep her gun aimed at the Illusive Man. "The reapers?"

He started and twitched. "No! I'm  _not_  indoctrinated! I can control them too!"

"You can't even control me!" she snapped, her temper prickling to life. "You sure as hell won't be able to control the reapers. You're indoctrinated and you don't even know it! It's  _pathetic_!"

He glared at her and tightened his jaw. "I'm in control. And if you won't listen to reason then I'll find another way to make you understand."

Before she could realise what he had in mind, he turned and fired a round at Anderson. The gunshot echoed in the room, deafeningly loud, and Anderson let out a groan of pain as he doubled over and dropped to one knee.

"No!" Rennah launched herself at the Illusive Man without thinking, her finger squeezing the trigger over and over as she smashed into him and knocked him to the ground.

Fear and anger coursed through her, pounding in her blood as she shot him twice in the head and emptied the rest of the clip into his chest. The thermal warning on her gun sounded and with a hiss it ejected the clip, but still she fired. Blindly. Hatefully. The red haze lifted and the Illusive Man lay sprawled where he had fallen, arms flung out, gun clasped loosely in his hand, black gore and red blood leaking from his wounds.

She drew in a shaky breath and, trembling with fury, turned to face Anderson; he was still kneeling on the floor and clutching his chest. Alive but injured.

If she could have killed the Illusive Man all over again she would have.

"David?" Rennah crossed the room and helped him to his feet. He held his midsection tightly. Blood, dark red against the fabric of his BDU, stained the left side of his uniform. "How you doing, old man?"

"I've felt better," he ground out, holding onto her for support. "Is he dead?"

"He better be."

They hobbled over to him together and Rennah took the gun from his limp fingers. He was dead as a doornail; mouth gaping, eyes sightless and his body still.

"He's dead," she confirmed.

Anderson breathed a sigh of relief and nodded towards a centre console. "Come on, I think we can remove the communication block over there."

Rennah kept her arm around him as they made their way to the console. With fumbling hands she removed and block and activated the systems; the reapers had infested the Citadel and all security measures had been disabled. Wincing at the thought of all the people who had doubtless been killed because of it, she activated them.

"I've removed the block. We should have comms back up," she told Anderson.

He grunted approvingly and put his hand to his ear to activate his transceiver. "Anderson to the fleet, do you copy?"

There was a hiss of static that Rennah heard through her own receiver and then a garbled series of words that  _sounded_  like they could have been an affirmative.

Anderson evidently thought so too and continued, "The Citadel is secure. Move in with the Crucible."

The static was quieter this time and she couldn't make out the response, but Anderson nodded, satisfied, and dropped his hand from his ear. He sank to the ground and Rennah went with him, helping him down softly. The gunshot to his stomach looked bad and when she looked properly it was apparent the bullet had come clean out the other side. Which was a blessing and a curse; there was no bullet to get stuck inside of him, but it meant an extra wound to bleed from.

She took out her remaining bag of medigel, weighing it in her hand as she considered the wound.  _Would it be enough to help close both wounds? What if the bullet had perforated his stomach?_ The thought of Anderson dying a slow and painful death from a shot to the gut turned her stomach, and she raised the medigel to get his attention. "Last one, old man. Lift that shirt up."

He groaned and complied. "You need to start being more respectful of your elders."

"You start acting like an Admiral instead of a young marine and I'll treat you like it," Rennah retorted as she finished applying the gel. "Aren't you brass-heads supposed to keep out of the battles and direct from the sidelines?"

Anderson chuckled and winced as the motion caused him pain. "And miss my chance to help save the world? Not a chance."

They were quiet for a while as they sat near the console and watched the fighting outside. Countless ships sparkled in the void as they fired their weapons, chased by the searing red flash of red reaper beams. It looked beautiful, elegant even, especially set against the silent backdrop of the Earth. The green and blue globe was burning, but they were still alive and fighting; they were still resisting.

And somewhere out there on one of those ships was James.

"Do you think we'll make it?" Rennah asked quietly, wincing as another Alliance ship exploded silently in space near the Citadel.

Anderson nodded. "I think we'll make it. As soon as they dock the Crucible we'll fire her up and send the reapers packing." He laughed suddenly. "God, I'm tired. When all this is over I think I need a vacation. Just Kahlee and I."

She chuckled and nudged him with her shoulder. "Me too. James and I-" she broke off and went silent, drawing in a deep breath as she wondered if she'd said too much.

Anderson knew they were involved, but he had no idea how serious they were.

"It's okay, you know," he told her quietly, his hand finding hers and giving it a reassuring squeeze. "He's a good man, and if you were wondering; I do approve." Anderson smiled. "I don't think I say this often enough, but I'm proud of you, Rennah." His eyes glittered and her breath caught as emotion swamped her. "I've always been proud of what you've achieved and the kind of soldier you are, but I'm proud of the woman you are too. You've come a long way from that scared teenager I met all those years ago."

She nodded, not trusting herself to speak as her chest constricted and she blinked away tears. Finally she swallowed the lump in her throat and found some words. "We're getting married," she said stiffly, the words awkward and stilted. "I proposed to James-"

" _You_  proposed?" Anderson threw back his head and laughed. " _You_? The same woman who declared I-don't-know-how-many-times over the years that she would never tie herself to a man again?"

"Stop that!" Rennah tried to shush him, an embarrassed flush creeping across her cheeks. "You'll tear open your wound again."

He shook his head and wiped tears of mirth from his eyes. "I'm sorry, I just-" He almost started laughing again and had to take a moment to draw breath. "I hope he knows what he getting himself into."

"Thanks for that," she muttered, stifling the smile that threatened to break across her face. Despite his laughter, he was happy for her - she could tell.

Anderson put an arm around her and gave her a quick squeeze. "I'm sorry, really. I'm happy for you, I just never thought I'd see the day. He's a lucky man and you're well suited." He considered her for a long moment. "Does that mean you've changed your mind about other things? Having a family?" He spoke gently, teasingly, in the same way Rennah thought a father might speak to his daughter.

"No." She shook her head and swallowed hard as the familiar hollow feeling of dread bloomed in her chest. "I wouldn't be a very good mother."

"I'm not sure I believe that anymore," he said quietly and caught her eye. "I think you'd be a better mother than you think; look at the way you dealt with your teenager Krogan? The way you care for your crew-"

"No." She shook her head again, panic swamping her. "I can't look at children without seeing-"

He held up a hand to interrupt her. "I know. You can't look at children without remembering what happened to you. But you used to tell me that you would never trust men after what Cain did, and now you're engaged." Anderson squeezed her hand again. "Children aren't for everyone and maybe they aren't for you, but there are going to be an awful lot of orphans when this war is over. That means a lot of kids in children's homes, a lot of children who might get taken advantage of."

Rennah flinched as faint memories of strange faces and strange buildings flashed through her head. Memories of crying for her mother, the terror of being unable to understand the people around her, and the faces of the other children who had suffered fates worse than hers.

"Like me," she said softly.

He nodded. "Just like you. Even if children aren't for you, you should think about doing something to help them when this is over. Maybe spending time with them will help?"

"Thank you, David," she said at last, hating the way her voice thickened as though she were about to cry. She cleared her throat and nodded. "I don't want what happened to me to happen to anyone else-" She broke off as a bump reverberated through the very station itself and her radio squealed loudly. "What the hell's happening?"

Rennah climbed to her feet and helped David up as another shudder ran through the deck and floor began to lift.

"We're moving." Anderson clutched the console and tapped in a command. "No response from here. Whatever is doing this isn't registering on the system."

The floor lifted smoothly, traveling what Rennah estimated was two or three floors before it drew level with another platform. They appeared to be at the highest point of the Citadel, and the clear domed roof gave a startling view of the battle being fought outside. Anderson tapped her arm and reluctantly she dragged her eyes from the glittering lights, focusing on the room around her as it came to life; a glow emanating from every part of the room.

A holographic ball of light approached them, expanding out until it took on the shape of a small child.

_Boy did it pick the wrong form to take if it was hoping to win my trust_ , Rennah thought as it drew near.

"Your presence was anticipated," it said by way of greeting, its small face turning upwards to look at them. "It was inevitable that the cycle would be broken."

Anderson leaned towards Rennah, his breathing slightly wet and wheezy as though he had liquid in his lungs. "What the hell is it?" he asked quietly. "Some kind of AI?"

"I  _am_  the Catalyst." The child answered before she could, its expression haughty. "I was created to solve the riddle of how to best protect organic life-"

"And your answer is to destroy it; I know." Rennah tightened her grip on the gun, wondering what would happen if she shot the hologram in the head.

Probably nothing, but she didn't want to risk breaking the Catalyst.

The child frowned. "Organic life is chaotic, disorganised. By its very nature it is not only destructive but  _self_ -destructive. We witnessed the cycle occur multiple times over; organics create synthetic life to make their lives easier, and synthetic life rebels and destroys organic life. The reapers were the solution to the problem."

Anderson snorted and the child turned its glowing eyes on him.

"Destroying all life is your solution to life destroying itself?" He asked it.

"No, not all life. We guide civilisations down a path of our choosing. We allow you to find our technology and develop in a predictable way, and then, when your civilisation is at its peak, you are harvested and made into a part of the system. Organic life is not destroyed, it is assimilated and removed from the equation before it can annihilate itself. That way newer forms of organic life can evolve to take their turn. It is orderly."

The station rumbled around them as an Alliance shuttle exploded and crashed into the domed roof. Rennah swore and scanned the ceiling for any cracks or breaches, but it appeared to be untouched. As she glanced back down her vision flickered and momentarily she saw those smoky black tendrils at the corner of her vision; was it trying to indoctrinate her?

She glared at the child. "Your solution is murder, and I will not have any part of it."

"No," it agreed. "You will not. No other civilisation has managed to build what you refer to as the Crucible, you now face a choice."

Leviathan's words danced through her head; that the AI program would try to trick her into allowing it to indoctrinate her.

"You could choose to destroy the reapers, but be aware that it is only a matter of time before synthetic life destroys all organic life." The child made a face as though it tasted something sour and continued. "Or you could choose to control the reapers-"

Rennah scoffed. "I'll think I'll pass on that. I saw what you did to the Illusive Man."

"Very well, although you would have total control, unlike him. He was already indoctrinated. You are not. You …  _resist_." It frowned, considering her. "Of course, you could also choose to merge organic and synthetic life together, to force an evolutionary leap."

Forcing people to evolve? Forcing them to become new people with new bodies without giving them a choice? Instant revulsion rushed through her at the thought of forcing such a personal decision on people and she baulked.

"No. I'm going to destroy  _you_. Killing the reapers is the only way to stop this." Rennah tapped Anderson on the shoulder and indicated the power conduits that she could see running into the wall ahead of them. "That's the power conduit from my vision," she told him. "We need to destroy it."

"I think you might need to do this one by yourself." Anderson winced, holding his side as he handed her a sticky grenade. "That's my last one." He staggered a little as he was speaking; despite the medigel he was still bleeding.

"I'll make it count." She gave his arm a reassuring squeeze and limped towards the conduit, ignoring the glowing holographic child as it kept pace with her.

"Destroying the reapers will not end the cycle of destruction," it told her. "All you will do is return the Galaxy back to the chaos it existed in before us. Organics will still die."

She flicked her hand at it as though shooing away a fly. "I don't care, go away."

It stopped and she felt its gaze bore into the back of her head. "All synthetics will be destroyed if you do this. You yourself are partly synthetic. Do you want to die?"

Its voice was wheedling, teasing, as though testing her resolve, and anger bubbled in her gut as she whirled and pointed her gun at its head. It smiled calmly, seeming to dare her to do it, and with a growl she lowered her gun and continued limping.

"I'm prepared to die," she snapped, ignoring the fluttering in her tummy as her mind flicked to James and their future. The thought of him being alone, of him learning that she'd died up here and mourning her, hurt deeply.

But what choice did she have?

She reached the conduit and primed the grenade, slamming it against the casing and setting the timer. There was no cover, so she ran as fast as she could with her bad leg, throwing herself at the ground and rolling when she heard the tell-tail whine of the grenade about to explode. The explosion knocked the wind out of her lungs, and Rennah curled up as small as she could as shards of glass and mental rained down around her.

Her head spun and her vision went grey as a great pressure seemed to rush through her body in an almost electrical wave. It hurt. But she forced her eyes open and rolled to her side, clutching the ground as she willed the world to stop spinning around her.

She was alive.

"Shepard! We need to go!" Anderson's voice permeated the fog in her brain, and she climbed to her feet unsteadily, her teeth set against the pain.

The holographic child was gone and a faint trembling had started around them. Even the air was vibrating; as though a low base note was being played. The power conduit behind her was gone and bright orange flames licked upwards through the air, red flashes of electricity and power boiling around them; growing larger by the second. Rennah turned and ran, a terror that she couldn't explain pulsing through her at the sight of all that energy building up.

Through the domed ceiling she saw the Alliance ships evacuating in flashes and streaks of light as they jumped to light speed, and she uttered a prayer that EDI would follow her instructions. There was no telling what the crucible would do, and she wanted her friends safe; all of them. That ship didn't just contain her friends, the people up there were her family.

She skidded to a stop near Anderson and he flung an arm around her so they could support each other, then the two of them hurried away from the conduit. The platform that had floated them up came to life when they stepped on it, and obligingly began to descend, wobbling unsettlingly. When they hit the floor they ran; through the room with the Illusive Man's body, back across the trembling chasm, and into the labyrinth-like room filled with bodies.

It was pitch black, and as they stumbled through the nightmarish room, tripping over bodies and avoiding the scuttling keepers, they soon became turned around.

"This way," Anderson pulled her towards a faint blue light and Shepard followed, her feet tripping over something soft on the ground. She didn't have to look down to know it was bodies; she was walking on a carpet of people.

The light came from a hallway that led them out into a series of keeper tunnels that emptied out into an office building. They skirted around desks and through unfamiliar reception areas, the rooms all devoid of human or reaper life. The entire time Rennah's body buzzed with a frantic need to escape. From what, she didn't know. But the feeling of dread grew stronger with each moment.

"Where the hell are we?" Rennah gasped as she hobbled along, her leg shrieking with pain. The Citadel was shaking non-stop and a piercing whine was growing louder; a sound not unlike a reaper beam.

"Council chambers," Anderson told her, panting with exertion. He led her through the maze of offices as the shaking grew worse. "Come on."

They ducked through a doorway and out into the gardens, the pink and lilac trees trembling violently as the piercing whine reached a deafening crescendo. Distantly Rennah heard the groan and shriek of metal warping and the ground lurched under them as  _something_  deep inside the Citadel seemed to fire. There was a thunderous explosion and then the air lit up with red light. It washed over everything, including the council chambers, in a prickling, painful jolt, and Rennah screamed and dropped to the ground, her body convulsing as the electrical charge ran through it.

The noise was deafening and the blinding flash of red seared her vision as she screamed. Her chest constricted painfully and Rennah gasped and clawed at the ground as her back bowed and pain spread through her arms and neck; a squeezing burning sensation that dug its claws into her and held on. It was like nothing she'd ever felt before and she struggled to draw breath as the constriction grew worse.

"Shepard!"

She heard Anderson call her name and she opened her eyes to find him leaning over her. Either side of them the buildings were coming down and steel girders and chunks of plaster crashed to the ground. The trees whipped from side to side, stripped of their leaves and trembling like scared animals.

"Get up! Now!" He was roaring orders at her, but no matter what she did her body wouldn't obey her.

_Everything hurt._

Something broke with a  _boom_ , loud as a gunshot, and Anderson yelled, panicked, as a shadow loomed over them. Rennah had a moment of fear as she realised the trees was coming down in a rain of debris, then something struck her in the side of the head so hard she saw stars. The room reeled around her and something heavy fell on her legs, crushing her. A grinding crack reverberated through her body and something inside of her snapped in a shattering burst of razor sharp pain.

She screamed; reduced to writhing in pain.

Rennah tried to keep her eyes open, to keep fighting as the pain wrapped around her and blackness dragged her down, but it was useless. Her heart fluttered brokenly in her chest like a trapped bird when she tried to draw breath and a horrible heavy stillness settled on her chest. She dug her fingers into the ground, feeling the cool grass against the pads of her fingers as she held on.

_Please no,_  she thought desperately.  _Not here. Not like this._

As the darkness and pain closed in, sucking her under, all she could think of was James. Of the strength in his arms when he held her, the scent of his aftershave, and the laughing light in his eyes when he looked at her. But mostly she thought about how much she loved him, of how warm and safe he made her feel; she would have given anything to feel his arms around her one last time.

The darkness welled up, eating away at her vision until all that was left of the world were a few flickering pinpricks of light. They spun in the darkness, glittering stars that glowed in the black like lights in the sky.

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**A/N - *whipers and crawls into a hole* My poor Rennah! The next chapter should be out soon.**


	73. Gravity

_Disclaimer: I don't own Mass Effect_

**A/N - A very big thank you to everyone who reviewed my last chapter. You cheered me up when I was feeling very down, and I really hope you enjoy this chapter too! To the readers who follow along quietly, I hope you're enjoying the story as well. We're close to the end, but still have a number of chapters to go and I'm hoping this lives up to people's expectations.**

**Thanks for staying with me and please enjoy!**

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A piercing sound wormed its way through James' brain, beating and pulsing as it assaulted his skull and thundered in his ears. He flinched and grumbled, clutching his head and trying to ignore the sound, but it was impossible to shut it out. Again and again it slammed against him; a barrage of noise that refused to let him rest.

Groggily, he dragged himself up from the depths of his drugged sleep, frowning and scrunching his eyes tight as he tried to think what the ear-shattering sound was. The rhythmic burst of noise was familiar and filled him with a sense of dread, but try as he might he couldn't place the sound and he started to let himself fall into oblivion again.

Images drifted behind James' closed eyelids; a vision of the mako flying towards him through the air, graceful as it tumbled, of Shepard turning from him and running back to the bloodied battlefield towards the beam, and a picture of her body, broken and bleeding while the Citadel burned around her. His skin prickled as cool fingers stroked his face, cold as the grave, and Rennah's perfume filled his noise as though she was right beside him.

 _Lola?_  

He tried to speak and open his eyes, but the sedative had too firm of a hold on him, and as he started to slip back into the dark he could have sworn he felt lips on his forehead.

He wasn't sure how long he floated in and out of consciousness, but his dreams of makos and Shepard were punctuated by the wailing sound, and soon other sounds permeated his sleep and dragged him back to reality; a deep base thrumming which made his bones ache, the sound of a woman screaming over and over again, and the yells of people -  _was it Doctor Chakwas and Kaidan?_  - as they moved around him.

James frowned;  _couldn't they see he was trying to sleep?_

He tried to pull the sheet above his head to block them out, but there was no sheet. Come to think of it, there was no pillow under his head either. The thought was enough to startle him out of his doped up sleep and with a groan he opened his eyes on a scene which made no sense. The medbay was bathed in red emergency lighting and lights were flashing along the floor. Those lights were a guide to emergency escape pods, James thought, pleased that he had remembered that detail.

He blinked as he realised the scene he was looking on was not one he should have been able to see. For one thing he could see the floor and his bed below him, and in the bed beside his he could see Kaidan clumsily strapping  _someone_  down under a semi-translucent bubble. Confused and sick to his stomach, James tried to speak, but his tongue was thick and floppy and he couldn't seem to make sound come out. He wasn't dead - his body was aching far too much for that - which meant that the Normandy's gravity had been shut off.

The sense of dread intensified and James shook his head slightly to wake himself up. Whatever Chakwas had given him earlier had knocked him for six, and the lethargy from the dugs clung with sticky tendrils, trying to drag him back down to sleep again.

He resisted; something was very wrong on the Normandy.

The door to the medbay opened and Chakwas  _floated_  in, her movements sure and graceful as she kicked off the door and sailed to the opposite side of the room, catching herself and holding onto one of the terminals as she scanned the room and saw him floating there. She opened her mouth and said something, but James couldn't hear her over the wailing sounds which he now recognised as the emergency klaxon. Not an evacuation alert, but a red alert that the ship was under attack or in danger.

He tapped his ears and Chakwas nodded and pushed off the machine towards him, catching him in her arms and manoeuvring him back down into his bed. How anyone could be graceful and elegant in zero gravity was beyond James, but somehow the doctor managed to be both. She strapped him down as the sirens cut out, though the flashing lights continued.

As soon as the siren stopped and regular noise returned, James realised with shock that the person in the bed beside him was Tali. She was screaming over and over, her cries punctuated with sharp sobbing as Kaidan worked to get her strapped down. Despite Chakwas hovering over him, James couldn't help but listen as she screamed.

"It's my fault! It's my fault! He's dead, oh Keelah! He's dead because of me," The quarians voice cracked with despair.

A cold lump settled in his stomach at her words, and James forced himself to look away. Instead he focused on Chakwas as she settled him on the bed and finished strapping him down.

"Lieutenant, how are you feeling?" she asked, her voice carefully neutral and polite.

"Like shit," he told her honestly, blinking stupidly as he tried to fight free of the lingering lethargy. "Leg hurts like a bitch."

"It's going to be sore for a while," she muttered, glancing in the direction of Tali as the quarian's voice slurred and her yells became quieter. "Thankfully the Normandy has some of the best equipment available to deal with battlefield injuries such as this, but it's still going to be some time before you're up on your feet."

James nodded and cleared his throat. "What's happened?" he slurred, his voice hoarse and thick with sleep. "What's with the gravity and the sirens? Is Sparks okay?"

Chakwas moved up to his head, scanning him with her Omni-tool as she replied, "I don't know everything because I was in the medbay with you, but from what I've heard the Crucible activated and the fleet was ordered to retreat. The Normandy made the Mass Relay jump but something went wrong and we were knocked out into regular space. All I know for sure is that EDI won't respond and the Normandy's drive core went critical. Several of the people on the engineering level have been hurt." She sighed heavily and met his eyes. "There have been some deaths."

"Shepard?" he asked hesitantly, fear curdling his stomach.

She shook her head. "We know from radio chatter that she and Anderson activated the Crucible but that was the last thing we heard before Hackett ordered us to the rendezvous point."

James almost sighed in relief;  _Rennah had made it to the Citadel._

Kaidan unzipped the bubble surrounding Tali and floated out, clumsy and unsure of himself in the zero-G. His eyes were dark with worry and his gaze skittered over James as he touched Chakwas on the arm.

"I've done what I can for her," he told the doctor. "I sedated her and treated what I could see, but she has multiple suit ruptures and, from what I can tell, serious radiation burns from the exposure to the drive core. If she hadn't got hold of the geth VI program designed to allow the quarians to go suitless, we probably would have already lost her. But she'd holding on."

Chakwas nodded and finished her scan of James. "I'll start her on anti-biotics and treat the burns as best I can. Keeping her unconscious is safest for now." She looked down at James again and lightly touched his arm. "I've got to move on, Lieutenant, but I'll pass on any news."

"Thanks Doc, I'd appreciate it."

Chakwas vanished into Tali's bubble and Kaidan took her place by his side, the biotic looking haggard and exhausted. He gripped the side of James' bed tightly to stop himself floating away, managing to look at James without really focusing on him.

"Hey there, Iceman," James greeted him, absurdly proud that he managed to speak without slurring his words this time, though his head still lolled on the pillow as though he were drunk. "I heard some shit went down?"

The Major nodded slowly and finally focused on him. "Yeah, you could say that."

 _He sounded serious_ , James thought,  _too serious._

Kaidan dragged a hand through his hair and sighed. "I don't even know where to start."

"Well, Chakwas told me Shepard made it to the Citadel?" James prompted. "Do we know anything else?"

"We know that she and Anderson were the only ones to make it. They contacted us briefly and then activated the Crucible." He sighed and looked anywhere except at James' face as he continued. "And that's when things got messy."

James frowned. "What do you mean  _messy_? What the hell happened? Did the Crucible work? Are the reapers gone?"

"We don't know." Kaidan tried to shrug and the motion almost made him float away, he anchored a hand on James' bed again. "Hackett ordered us to leave, but Joker refused. He said he wasn't going to leave Shepard alone again, that he owed her more than that. We waited as long as we could, but the Crucible started this build-up of energy and right before it fired, EDI-" Kaidan stopped and swallowed hard. "EDI locked him out and took control of the Normandy. She made the Mass Relay jump with Joker pleading for her to stop."

James nodded, unsurprised.

He'd been party to Shepard's conversation with EDI prior to them leaving for the beam, and he knew exactly why the Normandy's AI had seized control and forced them to evacuate. She'd done it because Rennah had asked her too. Because his Lola had known that Joker would want to swoop in and save her even if it meant putting the ship and crew in danger, and she hadn't wanted that. The chance of the Crucible firing and taking out all the ships along with the reapers had been too high for her to gamble with their lives, and so she'd gone to EDI.

"Lola told her to," he told Kaidan. "Down on Earth, she contacted the Normandy and ordered EDI to get the crew out of there before the Crucible fired."

"Jesus." Kaidan paled and shook his head. "Joker is devastated that EDI locked him out, and even worse-" he cut himself off and took a deep breath. "Well, I don't know what the Crucible did, but the weapon knocked us out of the relay jump. EDI's AI core has gone down and isn't responding, and the Normandy's drive core almost exploded - if it hadn't been for Tali and Adams ... ." he drifted off yet again and glanced down, pain glinting in his eyes as he met James' gaze. "There isn't an easy way to say this, but Adams is dead."

"What?" The news hit him like a crushing blow, slamming into his chest and twisting his heart. "How?" he croaked.

"When the drive core went critical everyone in engineering worked to try and stop it. Adams and Tali were trying to activate the cooling vents and shut down the Eezo core before the Element Zero could destabilise. Things got hairy and Adam's ordered everyone out, but Tali refused to leave. Adams went back in and dragged her out. She managed to shut the core down, but by the time we reached them … ." Kaidan swallowed hard and drew in a deep breath. "There wasn't anything we could do. He died before we could get him up to the medbay."

James nodded dully, the familiar pain of losing a friend twisting through his guts; Adams had been a hell of a guy and Alliance to the core. He hadn't been as close to him as Kaidan was, but they'd sunk beers together in their down time and had played poker, and he knew the older man had been interested in the doctor. James wondered how she was handling his loss.

Kaidan gave himself a shake. "So at the moment we're dead in space with no drive core, and no AI to get the ship's main systems back online. For now the emergency lighting and air is working, so we can breathe and see, but the sooner Gabby and Ken can get the gravity back online the better. I feel like I'm going to puke."

"I sympathise," James told him; Zero G always made him feel like he was going to be sick too. "What about the rest of the fleet? Hackett?"

The other man shrugged, looking older and more tired than James had ever seen him. "We have no idea what happened to them. We were one of the last through the relay, and I have to admit that if the weapon caused this much damage to us when we were light years away in a jump, I'd hate to think about what would have happened if we'd stayed."

James agreed with Kaidan on that point. If the ship had stayed waiting for Shepard there was no telling what might have happened. Still, the news that they had been knocked out of a jump and sent hurtling into space wasn't the best news to wake up to. Hopefully the core would be repaired quickly so they could make it to the nearest relay and get home before too much time passed.

He so desperately needed to see Rennah again, to know that she was alright and that the war was over. The dream he'd had of her lying on the Citadel, bloodied and lifeless, floated around the edges of his mind like a spectre. He scrambled for another topic.

"EDI?" he asked, only just registering what Kaidan had said about her not responding. "Is she going to be okay?"

"We don't know. Somehow the blast seems to have shut down her mobile unit completely, and we haven't been able to get into the AI core to see what the problem is." Kaidan's gaze slid to the door to the core. "When the drive core went critical everyone focused on that-"

" _Attention Normandy crew, we will be attempting to engage gravity in approximately thirty seconds. Please take precautions."_ Gabby's voice came from the speaker above, her tone anxious and thick with emotion.

Kaidan got himself low to the ground and what felt like an eternity passed before the artificial gravity came on again. James grunted as he grew heavy and the pain in his leg increased. He felt like his body was far heavier than it should be, but he knew it was just the effect of having been weightless for so long. Kaidan climbed to his feet, grumbling a little as he steadied himself on James' bed.

"Hopefully they're going to work on lighting next, and then the ship's safety protocols before they get back to work on the drive core." Kaidan rubbed the back of his hand across his forehead. "As soon as Chakwas finishes with Tali I'm going to get Liara's help and see what we can do about EDI. I'm hoping she isn't shorted out completely. Joker can fly the ship manually, but it's a hell of a lot easier with EDI at the helm."

James nodded. Tech really wasn't his speciality but even he knew enough to know that EDI being down was almost as bad as the drive core being down. As he mused, he unclipped the restraints that had been holding him to the bed and glanced down at his leg. It was in an immobility cast and was aching badly now that his weight was back on his bones. He tried to movie his foot and wiggle his toes and gasped in agony as a bolt of pain shot up his leg.

"Easy there, big guy," Kaidan cautioned him. "The doctor used a boneweave to fix the break and knit your bones back together, and a skinweave and medigel to fix the wound on your leg, but it's going to be a few weeks before you're able to do anything fancy like get out of bed."

"Fuck," James groaned and dropped his head back to the pillow. He rubbed his eyes, trying to clear his foggy head. "This really hurts."

"Well, a  _Mako_  did fall on you." The Major rolled his eyes and administered a shot of pain killers. "I swear, only  _you_  could get crushed by a Mako and walk away as though it was nothing."

James gritted his teeth through the pain. "This doesn't feel like nothing."

"This will help, just give it a second."

The pain killers did work fast and James sighed with relief as the sharp bone-deep burn faded back to a dull ache. Kaidan moved around him, checking on Tali and speaking quietly to Chakwas when she reappeared from the bubble. James had a brief dizzying moment when he glanced over at Tali and realised that behind the transparent bubble the quarian was out of her suit. He caught a blurred glimpse of lavender skin, long black hair and a beautiful face with high cheekbones and full lips.

He looked away; it didn't seem right to watch Tali when she was vulnerable and out of her suit.

"Kaidan?" He caught his attention as the Major walked by him. "Any idea of how long it will be before we can get back to Earth once the drive core is repaired?"

Kaidan went still and pivoted on his feel to face him, his eyes empty and unreadable. A sense of unease swelled in James' chest and he fought down the thought that something  _bad_  had happened; something that Kaidan had avoided telling him up until now.

"Kaidan?" he asked again.

The biotic sighed and came closer, dragging a chair along the floor and sitting down next to him with the air of someone about to deliver bad news.

"I was going to wait to tell you this," he started, "but I guess I may as well tell you now."

The feeling of dread increased.

"Tell me what?"

Kaidan leaned back in his chair. "When we got knocked out of the jump, we came out between relays. Our closest relay is actually the Sol system, but," he held up a hand to forestall James when he tried to speak. "We're still quite some distance away."

"What? Weeks?" James prompted him. The look on his face wasn't encouraging. "Jesus, Kaidan. How far out are we?"

He hesitated before answering. "According to Joker, and this is only if we get the drive core fixed and can use FTL, we're a good seven or eight months out at our fastest speed."

James' stomach plummeted and he gripped the sides of the bed tightly, desperately telling himself that he had to have heard wrong.  _Seven months_  to find out if Rennah was still alive?  _Seven months_  until he could get home again?  _Seven months_  was too long! There had to be a mistake!

"We can't be-"

"We are," Kaidan interrupted. "And that's only once we get the drive core fixed and can use FTL, and who knows how long that will take." He looked pained as he put a hand on James' shoulder. "I'm sorry, I know you want to get back and find out about Shepard, but it's going to be the better part of a year."

_Seven months._

James closed his eyes as a tingling numbness swept through his body.

"Fuck," he said softly, and when he opened his eyes again Kaidan only nodded at him. He was in a similar situation, James recalled; stuck on this ship while Jack was on Earth, with no way of knowing if she'd made it. "Do you think Jack and Shepard are alive?" he asked.

"Yeah, I do," he answered without hesitation. "I'm not going to do what I did on Alchera and give up. This time, I'm going to believe they're okay until I see proof otherwise."

The conviction in his voice strengthened James and helped to chase away some of his doubts. The image in his mind of Rennah's broken body lying somewhere on the Citadel, an image summoned up by his overactive imagination James was sure, shrunk in size and he let out a breath he'd been holding.

"Yeah, I'm sure you're right. They'll be waiting for us when we get back." James looked up at Kaidan as tears swam in his eyes. "Thanks, Kaidan."

The biotic nodded reassuringly and stood up. "No problem. Get some sleep and try to stay positive. And remember - Shepard would never give up on you, so don't give up on her."

James watched Kaidan walk away and clung to the idea that he'd left him with, because he was spot on; Shepard would never give up on him, no matter how long he was gone for or how far apart they were.

Unfortunately, it didn't stop his heart from hurting.

Seven months was a long time.

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**A/N - Happy N7 Day! :)**


	74. Haunted When The Minutes Drag

_Disclaimer: I don't own Mass Effect_

**A/N – Thank you to all the wonderful people who left me reviews on the last chapter. I loved your comments! And a big hello and thank you to everyone reading along – I hope you're enjoying the story too! Now, this chapter gave me a lot of trouble and I had to rewrite it twice, but hopefully you enjoy how it turned out!**

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Jack chewed the ripped stubs of her fingernails and absentmindedly braced her feet on the floor as the shuttle broke free of Earth's atmosphere. Her free hand tapped a rhythm on the empty seat next to her and she winced as she bit through a cuticle and tasted blood.

"Hold tight," Cortez called back to them. "We have some debris ahead."

"You heard the man! Strap in!" Jack hollered at the mismatched group in the back of the shuttle. They obeyed without question, and she went back to tapping her fingers and chewing her nails as the shuttle bounced and manoeuvred.

She wasn't normally a nervous person, but when the Crucible fired and Shepard didn't immediately show up like the Girl Scout she was, well, she started getting nervous. Frightened even, because Shepard was  _supposed_  to be the fucking hero who couldn't be beaten, and there was a tiny but persistent part of her that was  _frightened_  that she hadn't made it after all; that she'd died up there on the Citadel.

No one seemed to know where she was and what had happened to her, and when Shepard didn't turn up that first day Jack went into action. She resolved to go up there and drag her good for nothing ass back down to earth – whether she liked it or not. It had taken two days of pushing and yelling to scrounge up the people, the shuttle, and the clearance to mount a rescue.

Getting the remnants of the Normandy's crew together had been the easy part; Cortez had found her first, and together they'd managed to track down Miranda. Or maybe Miranda had found her too. All Jack knew was that all three of them had come together with the single purpose of getting to the Citadel and finding their friend.

Cortez had been far more efficient at getting the ball rolling than she had and Miranda seemed to have a knack for tracking down just the right person to talk to. So while the two of them went through official channels and were granted the temporary use of a shuttle, Jack tracked down as many of her students as she could to enlist their help. Almost all of them had come along too, determined to return the help that Shepard had given them on Grissom Academy.

It was heart-warming, or it would have been if Jack had been able to feel anything other than the lump of ice in her stomach.

"Coming up on the Citadel now," Cortez yelled, breaking her out of her thoughts. "Readings are showing power fluctuations and scattered life signs. No response on comms."

Miranda stood up, taking charge as Jack knew she would. "Take us in. The last readings we got from Shepard came from the main spire near the council chambers."

The pilot adjusted their angle. "It's a mess, but I'll get us as close as I can."

Jack followed Miranda up front and joined Cortez as he wove the shuttle between debris. She scowled at the sight of reaper carcasses and dead ships drifting in space; obstacles between them and the Citadel. Alliance shuttles were moving between them, presumably checking for life signs and rescuing survivors. She knew from radio chatter after the Crucible fired that most crews had either bunkered down to wait for rescue or had jettisoned in escape pods.

"What a mess," Miranda echoed Cortez's comment. "Has there been any updates on the ships that went through the relay?"

Jack bristled and shot a warning glare at the ex-Cerberus agent, who chose to ignore her. Miranda knew that she hated talking about the missing ships; inevitably the talk always turned into a discussion of whether the Normandy had survived and how long it would take her to get home if she had.

"No." Cortez shook his head and gracefully moved them between a chunk of reaper metal and what Jack thought was part of an asari gunship. "With the relays destroyed and our deep range communication relays dead there isn't any way to know what happened to them, except to guess that it may have been the same thing that happened here."

The image of the Normandy dead in space, of the crew slowly suffocating or starving to death, shot through her mind and Jack growled as her head snapped up. "The Normandy will be fine," she said without hesitation, gripping the back of Cortez' chair with a white knuckled hand. "Her systems were far more advanced than anything these ships had! They're going to be  _fine_."

She hated the desperate edge to her voice, so weak and pathetic, but she was powerless to stop it creeping in. The thought of Kaidan being gone, of losing the one person in this godforsaken universe who actually understood all her fuckedupness and loved her anyway, scared her shitless. She couldn't lose him, not after finally letting her guard down and trusting him.

Jack glared at the stars, hating them for taking him away.

The pilot nodded and carefully eased away from her hand. "You're right of course. The Normandy will be fine."

An uncomfortable silence fell as he guided them through the debris field and did a quick flyby of the Citadel. It seemed mainly intact, though it was clear that a massive explosion had ripped through some of the more populated areas including the Council Chambers. Many of the protective domes had ruptured and Jack squinted as she saw tiny shapes moving amongst the destruction.  _Keepers,_  she realised with a snort of derision,  _the mother fucking keepers were already out and about making repairs._

"How close can you get us?" she asked, tapping her fingers on his chair. "All this fucking around is wearing thin."

"As soon as I see a safe place to land I'll bring us in. In the meantime you might want to get your helmet on and tell you students to do the same." Cortez ignored her angry grumbles in the same unflappable way he'd ignored her ranting and raving over the past couple of days.

Jack stood next to him for a few seconds more, watching the Citadel sweep by, and then returned to the troop deck and ordered the kids to put their helmets on. She checked each of their helmets out of habit and ignored Miranda's soft chuckle as she finished up and put her own helmet on. The Alliance armour she was wearing was unfamiliar and ill-fitting, but with parts of the Citadel vented and open to space, she had no choice but to wear it.

"What are you laughing at, Cheerleader?" she asked as she stepped up next to the brunette.

Miranda's blue orbs twinkled behind the opaque visor of her helmet. "Oh nothing, I just never thought I'd see the day when you played mother duck, is all," she drawled in her insufferably soft Australian accent. "It's kind of cute."

Jack rolled her eyes as she checked her weapon and holstered it. "Given that my little ducklings can probably rip your genetically engineered ass in two, I'd be careful about who you call cute."

Miranda laughed and was still chuckling as Cortez set them down and joined them in the troop deck. He slipped his helmet on and locked it in place, then consulted his omni-tool with a serious expression.

"I've landed us a little way from the Council Chambers, but this is as close as we're going to get," he explained as he opened the door and revealed their landing platform. "It's one of C-Sec's docking bays."

Jack nodded and leapt out, already itching to get to work and find Shepard. The docking bay was a shadow of its former self and though it had power, it was abundantly clear that it had seen conflict. Bullet holes riddled the walls and floor, and more than one sky car was burnt out and destroyed. The corpses of reaper troops still lay across the ground; some preserved and others blackened with rot.

Other shuttles were docked nearby and Jack nudged Miranda with an elbow when she jumped down beside her. "Hey Cheerleader, think those still fly?"

"Only one way to find out," she unbent enough to smile and then twisted back to look at Cortez. "Steve, we have other shuttles here. Think you can take a look at them? We might need them if we find more survivors."

The pilot waved the biotic students out and followed. "Well, sure - if you don't think you'll need me on the search?"

"We should be fine." Miranda reassured him. "Besides, when you're done you can catch up to us."

"Good point." Cortez nodded at Jack and moved off to the first shuttle, his armour gleaming dully under the lights.

"Come on." Miranda tapped her arm and pointed at an exit. "This way."

As a group, they began picking their way through the shuttle bay and managed to pry open one of the damaged doors that led into C-Sec headquarters. The place was completely deserted and corridors beyond the docking were in an even worse state – blood coated the walls and spent thermal clips littered the floor. Jack could almost see the chaos that had reigned here; the men shouting to each other as they tried to fight off reapers, the sound of screams, the twang of biotics and the sharp rattle of machine guns.

All that fighting for nothing – they'd all died.

Jack blinked as a thought occurred to her and she got Miranda's attention. "There's no bodies," she murmured to her.

"What?" Miranda pointed to a dead husk. "There's one right there."

"No." She sighed; for someone so genetically superior Miranda could be thick as a brick sometimes. "I mean there are none of us. No humans. No turians or asari or salarians. Only reapers."

The students shuffled behind them and Miranda hushed them and scanned the hallway again. "Maybe the officers stationed here made it out?"

"Doubtful." Jack nodded to the blood on the walls. "That ain't reaper blood and no one loses that much and lives. Believe me, I know."

"Shit." Miranda pulled her pistol and began to inch forward. "This is creeping me out. Let's go, but keep your eyes peeled."

The rest of the C-Sec facility was the same – lots of carnage and destruction, lots of dead reaper troops, lots of blood, but no bodies of Allied soldiers. It was unnerving. And as they pressed on and made their way up the stairwell to the council chambers, Jack couldn't shake the creeping coldness settling in her core. Visions of the colonists on the collector base filled her mind, of helpless colonists stuffed into glass coffins and liquefied alive.

Was that why they'd taken the bodies? To make them into reapers?

Bile rose in her throat, sharp and sweet, and she swallowed it down hastily. She'd seen worse than this in her time and Miranda would  _never_  let her forget it if she got sick because of a fucking memory.

"How much further?" Jack asked, her voice rough with tension.

Miranda consulted her omni-tool and pointed at the doors ahead with her gun. "Just through there."

Jack continued and spared a quick glance at her suit's readout – so far there was still atmosphere, though oxygen levels and gravity fluctuated wildly depending on the room and floor level. She paused at the doors and pulled her gun –  _just in case._ Miranda hit the door release and they moved into the Council Chambers at the same time, both of them stumbling to a halt as they took in the view.

"Jesus Christ!" Miranda gasped and lowered her gun, her arm hanging limply by her side. "Jack, if Shepard was in here-"

She shook her head as panic flared through her. "Shut up,  _Cheerleader_."

The chamber had been flattened.

A derelict reaper had smashed through it  _Sovereign style_  and its carcass lay sprawled inelegantly across the main courtyard. Buildings had come down, the pretty pink-flowering trees had been uprooted and tossed like toys, and rubble lay scattered across the floor. There wasn't a single inch untouched by the destruction.

"Life signs?" Jack asked quietly as she stepped forward, then cursed and leapt back as a keeper scurried out of the shadows. Shuddering, she craned her neck to look up at the busted dome above as Miranda opened up her omni-tool. "I don't get it, why is there still atmosphere? Why hasn't everything been sucked out into space?"

"The council chambers did lose a lot of atmosphere," Miranda reminded her as she sent out several holographic probes to scan for life signs. "But the Citadel must have maintained enough power to get the emergency shielding up. It might look like it's open to space but there's an energy shield up there." She looked over and her lips twisted into a smirk. "Even little  _children_  know that, Jack."

Somehow she managed to resist the urge to swear at Miranda as her omni-tool let out a series of clicks and began to flash. Both of them froze, and Jack held her breath as the other woman checked the readings and scanned through the data. Miranda looked up at her with a smile and some of the horrible tension melted from Jack's body, thawing the lump in her chest.

"We have life signs," the ex-Cerberus agent told her. She let out a short sigh of relief and began to follow the probes, her boots slithering over the loose bits of tile and rubble on the ground. "Fourteen life signs are coming from the far side of the courtyard."

Jack hurried after her. "Fourteen? Is one of them Shepard?"

"No way of knowing until we find them, but some of the life signs are human."

The students followed, using their biotics to shift rubble where they could to clear a path. It was slow going and the further into the chamber they went, the closer to the dead reaper they came. Jack's skin crawled and prickled as she saw hundreds of keepers swarming over its body; hacking off parts and dragging them away. They looked like flies on a rotting carcass, and something about the sight of those pale spidery forms scurrying over the reaper sent a wave of revulsion through her.

"Up there!" Miranda touched her lightly on the shoulder and nodded to a half-demolished building ahead.

One of the council trees had fallen in front of the building and its pink leaves were spread across the ground like a glowing carpet. Jack gathered her biotics, relishing the way they purred across her skin as she caught the tree in a Singularity and Threw it across the room. Her heart pounded in her chest, thundering loudly as she hurried forward, scrabbling over fallen beams and pylons, and climbing up chunks of rubble too big to move.

_Please let her be in there!_  Jack thought frantically as she reached the solid metal door set in the building. Miranda was breathing hard as she joined her and scanned the door panel, imputing a code and checking readouts.

"It's a bunker," she told Jack. "Hang on, I'll see if I can get us in."

Jack's biotics swelled inside of her like an overflowing pool, and she bit back the urge to hurl a roll of power at that door and simply smash it open.

Miranda's omni-tool chirped and she let out a sigh. "They responded. Thank god." She turned and glanced at the students as they caught up with them. "Prangley!" Her shout had the young man standing to attention. "Fire off a message to Cortez and tell him we'll need transportation to get these people out of here. If he can't get a shuttle through the Citadel then tell him to bring a sky car."

Prangley started to salute but managed to stop himself when he caught Jack's glare. "Yes, Ms. Lawson," he managed to stammer before he hurried away.

She turned back to the door and tapped it with an impatient hand. "Do we just go in?"

"No, they need to unlock it," Miranda told her as she tapped out another series of commands into her omni-tool. "It's been set up to only open from the inside. Sensible considering what would happen if some idiot stumbled across the door and decided to open it and expose them all to a vacuum." Her voice said clearly that she thought Jack was the kind of person that might do something like that.

Jack ground her teeth together and was about to reply with something nasty when she saw the gleam in Miranda's eyes and realised the  _cheerleader_  was baiting her. Her needling was a game more than anything, a way to pass the time and distract her from the very real possibility that Shepard was dead. Jack sighed and stepped away from the entrance, crossing her arms over her chest and staring at the door as though force of will alone would be enough to open it.

_You'd better be in there, Shepard!_

It took almost ten minutes, each second of which Jack counted, but finally the metal security door swung outwards. She held her breath, half expecting to see her friend, but it was a salarian that peered out at them with his weapon drawn.

"Spectre Jondum Bau," he introduced himself quickly. "You're Alliance?"

Miranda nodded. "A rescue team. We came looking for-"

"The Council, yes?" he interrupted. "They're inside."

_The Council?_

Jack laughed, she couldn't help it. They'd come here trying to find Shepard and instead they'd found the fucking  _Council_  – the same assholes who'd refused to help when their actions might have made the difference.

"Fucking brilliant!" She clapped Miranda on the shoulder, bitterness burning within her; they'd come all this way for nothing. "We come looking for Shepard and we find those bastards."

"Bastards?" The spectre blinked in confused. "Sure you don't mean the council?"

"Oh, she means it." A drawling voice interrupted him, one Jack knew well, and her laughter dried up as a figure appeared in the doorway. Jondum Bau moved aside and a bruised and beaten Commander Bailey limped through. "What you've got here are a few members of the Normandy crew, and I'm guess they're looking for their Commander."

Miranda nodded and shot the Spectre an apologetic look. "It's a relief to know the Council are alive, but you're right - we came looking for Commander Shepard."

"I thought as much," Bailey replied with a wry smile. "Well, you can stop looking; we have her and Admiral Anderson."

A dizzying wave of relief rushed through Jack and the sickening tension bled from her body.  _Shepard was here! She was alive!_  She started to step forward when a sickening thought occurred to her; if they had Shepard then why wasn't she out here to greet them? She would have been the first one to open the door and help the survivors out.

A chill settled over Jack and she swallowed hard.

"How bad is she?" she asked quietly as she pulled off her helmet.

Bailey sighed and met her gaze dead on. "Bad," he admitted. "We found her and Anderson not long after the Crucible fired. He'd been shot and she was … ." He scrubbed a hand across his face and seemed to struggle to find the words he wanted. "Well, she wasn't good. None of us are doctors, but as far as we can tell she's got two broken legs, fractures in her back and neck, and she took a hell of a knock to the head."

Miranda took her helmet off and a look of determination settled over her perfect features. "Is she awake?" Her voice was low, urgent.

Bailey shook his head and led them inside. "She was in and out of consciousness for a while when we first brought her in, not really coherent, but she responded to us. Each time she woke up she seemed a little worse and it took a little longer for her to wake up again. She's been out for a good eight hours now." He tossed a look at Miranda, apparently sensing that she had medical training of some kind. "We've treated her with medigel and pain relief as best we can, but we're not equipped for this kind of injury."

The grim look on his face frightened Jack, and she angrily shoved the fear aside as they made their way deeper into the bunker. It was a huge opulent affair, more of an underground office suite then a bunker, and she funnelled her anger towards the council. They'd done nothing to stop this from happening! And this bunker was huge! Capable of holding hundreds of people!

The fury prickled across her skin, an old familiar ache which she wrapped around herself like a cloak to keep the fear at bay. They paused outside of a room and Bailey put out a hand to stop them entering when they tried to push through. Surprised, Jack's biotics snapped through the air in a crackle of power and he withdrew his hand almost apologetically.

"She looks bad," he explained. "Anderson is in with her, but I didn't want you walking in without warning you first."

Jack clenched her fists, uneasy to see a soldier like Bailey so shaken, and she curled her lip into a sneer. "I watched cannibals chew the faces off soldiers on Earth. I watched a fucking banshee put its hand through my commanding officer's stomach like it was a marshmallow. Whatever the fuck she looks like, I can take it."

Miranda put a steadying hand on her arm, a tactile reminder for Jack to control her temper, and nodded diplomatically. "Thank you for your concern, Commander Bailey, but I've seen Shepard when she was at her worst." Jack glanced at her, wondering if Bailey knew just how true Miranda's statement was. "I can help her."

The Commander shrugged and pushed open the door. "I didn't mean any disrespect, but I've seen friends hurt before, hell, I had to watch good buddies die when Cerberus attacked the Citadel, and I know it never gets any easier seeing a friend in this condition."

Jack took a deep breath, steeled herself for the worst, and walked in.

The room reeked of medigel and blood, a sweet, metallic scent that coated the inside of her nostrils and her tongue. Jack almost gagged as the foul taste invaded her mouth, but she managed to swallow down her rising bile as she crossed the room. There was only one occupied bed, and with a sinking heart she came to a stop and stared down at her friend, trying to see some sign of life in her features.

Shepard's face was grotesquely swollen on one side, the skin bruised so purple it was almost black. They'd taken her out of her armour and had cut away most of her under clothes to work on her injuries, and she lay there covered with a cotton sheet. Anderson sat beside her looking old, tired, and nothing like the man Jack had briefly met on the Citadel the previous year. He'd been talking to Shepard in a low voice when they came in, but he stopped as they approached.

He spoke to Miranda but Jack didn't hear more than a few snatches of words; she couldn't focus on anything except the sight of Shepard looking so small and broken in the bed. Her feet carried her forward as though they had a mind of her own, and before knew it she was standing next to the bed and looking down.

"Shepard?" She didn't mean to speak, but the name fell from her lips in a frightened whisper anyway.

It was as though the world fell away from Jack, as though the woman in the bed was the only thing left as she sank onto the chair Anderson had vacated. Shepard's chest rose and fell in slow, shallow breathes, and Jack reached out and took her hand. There was no aura of biotic energy, no buzz, no sign that the woman who had given her back her life was still in there, and tears stung Jack's eyes as she struggled to hold back the rising tide.

She'd seen death.

She'd seen people lingering for days before passing.

She'd watched as people took their last gasping breath and went still.

She'd be damned if she sat here and watched it happen to her best friend too.

Jack's hand tightened around Shepard's and she clenched her eyes shut, furiously holding her tears in check as she swallowed down her emotions. All of her fear, her anger, and the raging sense of injustice that this was happening to the woman who'd saved them all built inside of her and swirled angrily. The emotions clawed at her insides like a wild beast and with a deep buzzing hum the feelings she'd tried to hold back burst through her skin in a blaze of biotic blue.

She heard the startled gasps from the people behind her, heard Anderson yell at her to get away, but she ignored them all as she clutched Shepard's hands and tried to stop herself from flying apart at the seams.  _It wasn't fair_.  _Shepard deserved better than this. She deserved to survive this war and live happily ever after with her big dumb lieutenant!_

The biotic pulse thrummed through her body, angry, frightened, and determined all at once, and it shot down her hand and into Shepard's body with an almost painful crack of energy. Her friend's hand tightened against hers, fingers curling spasmodically as Rennah's body twitched and an answering biotic pulse, weak and feeble, reverberated back and fluttered against Jack's.

Jack's eyes flew open and she looked down into her friends face, watching as her eyes flickered behind her eyelids and her lips thinned and tightened. That energy was the essence of Rennah's biotics. It was the part of her that was both life and passion - and it was still burning inside of her.

Whatever dark place Shepard's injuries had taken her to, she was still in there and fighting to get back to them.

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**A/N - Some trying times ahead, but she's alive. Yay! Did you ever doubt me? :D**


	75. The Gathering of the Clouds

_Disclaimer: I don't own Mass Effect_

**A/N - Apologies on the delay, but you all know what this time of the year is like! :) Many thanks to everyone for sticking with me and reading along - especially if you're one of those amazing people who left a review or shared your thoughts. Now, given the feedback people have given me, most of you will probably have an 'I fucking knew it!' moment in this chapter, and you're either going to love it or hate it. Hopefully you'll enjoy it - the next chapter should be out a lot quicker!**

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Jack stomped down the main corridor of the _Destiny Ascension_ , her boots clunking loudly on the deck and echoing around her. Several asari refugees gave her a haughty look as she went by, as though she had no right to be there, but she ignored them and headed to the medical wing. Over the past month she'd walked this route to visit Shepard so many times she probably could have done it with her eyes closed; _down the main hall, into the medical wing, turn left to ICU, through the clean room and third door on the right._

The asari flagship had been their only real option for getting Shepard medical help after they found her on the Citadel. Most of the hospitals on Earth had been destroyed and those that had escaped the reaper attack had been looted by survivors. Which meant they had to go further afield to treat Rennah's injuries. Going to the asari had been Miranda's decision and it had turned out to be a good one; the city-sized ship had an amazing medical facility and the asari specialists on board had been happy to accommodate _Commander Shepard_.

Jack swallowed hard as she remembered the desperate scramble to get Shepard off the Citadel and to medical help. Moving her had been difficult and the severe pressure on her brain had caused her to start fitting. Miranda had handled them as best she could, relying on Jack to control Rennah's biotics when they flared. The first thing the doctors on the _Destiny Ascension_ had done was put Rennah into an induced coma to let the swelling on her brain go down and to ensure she didn't accidentally use her biotics.

The first week on board had been the hardest – Miranda, the asari doctors, and a small team of Salarians - who she later learned were neural specialists - had worked on repairing the damage to Shepard's brain, implanting neural nodes to repair neural pathways and facilitate healing. They'd kept her in a stasis for another two weeks after that while the neural implants repaired the damage done to her brain, explaining to Miranda that her recovery when they brought her out of her coma would be much faster than it otherwise would have.

Her prognosis was good, but there had been … _complications_.

Complications which Miranda had refused to talk about with anyone except for Anderson. Jack's hand tightened into a fist as she turned into the medical wing and headed for the ICU. The _complications_ hadn't stayed private for long though, especially since the _complication_ was glaringly obvious to anyone who gave Rennah more than a cursory glance.

And it was growing more and more obviously every day; Rennah was pregnant.

Jack swallowed hard at the thought and stepped into the cleanroom, letting the sensors sweep over her. She knew Ren well enough to know that she was going to handle being pregnant very, very badly. The woman didn't just hate kids; she was terrified of them.

The cleanroom door hissed open and Jack strode through, her heart beating a little harder as she reached Shepard's door and found Cortez waiting outside. The man had gone above and beyond for Rennah while she was in hospital – sitting with her for hours at a time while she'd come out of the coma, helping her learn to speak and move again.

"How is she?" Jack asked in a low voice, craning her head to look in the small window set into the door. "Any change?"

She'd spent the past week on Earth organising biotic work teams to help with the rebuilding.

Steve flashed her a reassuring smile. "You'll be happy to know that she's lucid and talking again. She knew who I was and said my name the same day you left and she's been talking almost normally since then."

"Thank God." Jack sagged against the wall and let out a breath. "When you messaged me I thought something had happened."

He shook his head. "No, Miranda just thinks it's time to tell her what happened, and to be honest so do I."

"Yeah," Jack sighed; the prospect of telling Rennah that her lover had vanished along with most of her friends wasn't something she'd been looking forward to. "Can I go in?" she asked, motioning towards the door.

"Of course." He opened it and waved her through. "I think seeing another friendly face will be good for the Commander."

Jack hesitated, wrinkling her nose at the medicinal smell of the hospital room before she drew in a deep breath and walked into the room. Shepard was sitting propped up in bed staring intently at the drip in her arm with a small frown, but her eyes moved to the door when it opened and a flicker of recognition passed through her eyes when she saw Jack.

"Hey there _Girl Scout_ ," she greeted her with a smile. "Don't tell me you're still lying around in bed?"

Jack fought to sound normal; it was still a shock to see her friend looking so fragile. Shepard looked a far cry from the woman who she'd followed into hell and back through the Omega relay. Despite physiotherapy and muscle manipulation Rennah had lost a lot of weight while she lay in bed, and her bones stood out under her skin. Her mane of long dark hair was gone, shaved off in preparation for one of her operations, and a fine dark stubble covered her head.

The most obvious difference was her belly, which seemed to have swelled alarmingly over the past month. She'd gone from having a barely noticeable bump to an obvious swelling. If Rennah hadn't known she was pregnant before she'd almost gotten herself killed on the Citadel, she was sure as hell going to know about it now.

"Hey Jack." Shepard raised a hand in greeting and smiled weakly. Her voice was still slightly slurred but her words were the clearest they'd been since she'd come out of her coma.

Jack pulled up a chair and sat down. "Feeling better today?"

"I am, but-" Rennah glanced back at the drip in her arm, a look of irritation flashing over her face as she paused and apparently searched for the right words.

"But?" she prompted her gently.

Her friend looked back up. "Where am I?" she asked slowly and clearly. "This isn't the Normandy."

It was the most she'd said since she woke up and Jack exchanged a surprised look with Cortez. He just smiled and shrugged as if to say, _I told you so_.

"You're on the _Destiny Ascension_ ," Jack hurried told her. "You were hurt activating the Catalyst. Do you remember? You made it up there with Anderson-"

"No." Rennah cut her off with a shake of her head, and her troubled gaze slid to Cortez and back again. "The Reapers?" she asked quietly. "Did it work? Are they gone?"

"Oh yeah, they're done. Dead. Kaput." She leaned forward and rested her forearms on the bed. "You did it."

She expected Shepard to smile, to give some sign that she was pleased to have saved the galaxy again. Instead there was another pause, longer, and Jack wondered what she was thinking as Shepard looked around the room again with that same puzzled frown. She bit her lip and abruptly looked back at Jack.

"Where's James?"

There was something incredibly vulnerable in Shepard's eyes, a kind of apprehension and fear that rattled Jack. She'd known Rennah was going to ask about him sooner or later, but she hadn't expected to be facing the question quite so soon. Jack shuffled in her seat, terrified of saying the wrong thing as Rennah continued to stare at her expectantly.

"What do you remember?" Cortez asked, leaning forward and saving Jack from having to think of an answer that wouldn't leave her friend in tears.

Rennah rubbed her temples and frowned. "I can remember talking to James and Anderson on Earth before the assault on the beam. I was talking to them about-" She scrunched her eyes closed as though struggling to think of the words. "About Leviathan warning me not to trust the reapers. Then I … I don't know. I don't remember."

Jack looked across at Cortez, and he gestured for her to take over.

"The assault on the beam worked, but it came a price," she explained, speaking slowly and waiting for her to nod in understanding before she went on. "James was injured on the run to the beam and you had him evac'd on the _Normandy_ -"

Rennah made a small sound and twitched as though in pain. "What do you mean _hurt_?"

"We're not sure," Cortez took over and gently took one of her hands. "We only have comm chatter to go on. But he was injured badly enough for you to call the _Normandy_ down to evac him and the rest of your team. Then you went on alone."

Jack cleared her throat and caught Rennah's gaze. "Does any of that sound familiar?"

She shook her head silently and her eyes darted about the room, her hand clutching Cortez's tighter. "I don't," she paused and bit her lip as her eyes filled with tears. "I don't remember. Where's James?"

Her voice wavered and Jack reached forward and lay a hand on her arm, desperately wanting to save Rennah from more pain after everything she'd been through. But she needed to know what had happened; putting it off and leaving her hanging wasn't going to help calm her.

She continued speaking. "You and Anderson made it to the Citadel and you got the Crucible to fire. The fleets retreated through the Mass Relays to a safe distance, only -" Jack hesitated and looked away.

_Fuck._

"Only?" Rennah asked quietly, fear shining in her eyes.

Jack spat it out quickly, like ripping off a band aid. "Shit Rennah, the Crucible destroyed the Mass Relays along with the reapers. We haven't heard from the fleet since they left, and that includes the _Normandy_."

"Oh God." Shepard went pale, but to her credit she stayed calm. She drew in a deep breath and nodded, accepting the news a hell of a lot more calmly then Jack had expected. "How long have they been missing?" she asked.

"A little over a month." Jack leaned back in her seat and gave her friend a moment to let the news sink in. "There isn't any reason to think anything bad happened to the fleet, but we don't know how far away they were when the Relays blew. They could turn up tomorrow or a week from now or a year from now. We just don't know."

Rennah nodded and dropped her hands into her lap, picking at the hospital blanket. Jack searched for words, tried to think of something to say, but a knock on the door stopped her and Anderson came in before she could continue. The Admiral's eyes moved straight to Shepard and then back to them, and he nodded politely.

"Jack, Steve, good to see you again." He kept one hand on the door, holding it open as he stared meaningfully at them both. "Can I see you both outside for a moment?"

Jack snorted, catching his not-so-subtle signal for them to leave, and gave Rennah's shoulder a gentle squeeze. "I'll leave you to have a catch up with Anderson, but I'll come back to see you later, okay?"

"Thanks Jack." Rennah grabbed her arm, her bony fingers digging in as she looked up at her with an unsettled gaze that was heavy with fear. "I don't want to be alone."

"I'll be back," she promised.

* * *

Fear.

It clung to the inside of her skull like cobwebs, colouring everything she saw and thought, making it hard to think; to keep her mind on everything going on around her. The fear billowed, fed by her pain, weakness and doubts, and it moved within her, growing stronger as the room closed in.

"How are you feeling?" Anderson came back through the door and closed it behind him. "You look stronger."

Rennah's thoughts scattered like ribbons caught in the breeze and she snatched at them desperately, trying to hold onto her train of thought. It was hard; she was so tired and her head ached. Trying to think was like wading through taffy and every time she had hold of a thought it seemed to melt away.

_How are you feeling?_ She repeated the words silently to herself.

"My head hurts," her voice was thick and rough; a strangers voice. "And I feel fucking terrible."

"I'm not surprised." Anderson sat down in the chair that Jack had vacated, his eyes too bright and voice too cheerful for her liking. "They kept you in stasis for weeks while you healed."

Rennah blinked as he moved in and out of focus and the thought she was trying to focus on slipped away. It was too hard to think. Too hard to talk. With a small mumble she closed her eyes and lay back down again, her blood pounding through her head.

"Rennah?" She opened her eyes as he took her hand, his face concerned. "Jack and Cortez said they told you the news about the _Normandy_. Do you want to talk about it?"

Instantly her mind recoiled from the upsetting news and she shook her head, swallowing back nausea as the room swam around her at the small movement. "No."

"Fair enough." He looked frustrated, as though _he_ wanted to talk to her about the _Normandy_. But he cleared the look of irritation from his face and continued. "What do you remember about the Citadel?"

Why did everyone keep asking her that? Her thoughts buzzed in her head like angry bees and she frowned, trying to push through the cotton wool that someone had stuffed inside her head.

"Nothing," Rennah mumbled. "I don't remember anything after waking up on Earth."

Anderson considered her for a moment and then smiled slightly, the expression so unexpected after his concerned look that everything sharpened into crystal clarity.

"So," he said conversationally. "You don't remember telling me that you're engaged to Lieutenant Vega?"

Rennah blinked as something fluttered at the back of her head, a flickering memory of sitting with Anderson in an unfamiliar room, both of them bloodied and burned, watching as reapers and ships exploded in space. She could remember Anderson laughing at their engagement, a good humoured laugh of surprise and … happiness?

"I … shit. I remember something. You were happy for us," she said slowly, absurdly pleased at being able to pull a memory out of the tangled mess inside her head. "Yeah, I remember you were happy."

He nodded and squeezed her hand. "I was, that's right. And I'm still happy for you. Lieutenant Vega is a good man and the two of you seem well suited." There was a pause and then he cleared his throat. "I'm assuming he's the father?"

Everything froze.

"The father?" Shepard swallowed hard - her voice sounded muffled, far away, as though she was speaking underwater.

Adrenaline coursed through her veins and Rennah almost choked as something else stirred inside of her, a buzzing fear that drowned out Anderson's voice as he replied. There was something else she needed to remember. Something which floated just below the surface, teasing her with the frustrating feeling that she'd forgotten something but with no idea what it was.

_You know_ , a little voice inside of her prodded gently. _You know._

She looked down at her free hand which sat on her lap; a lap which was different to what it should have been. Her stomach was larger, fatter, and a horrible creeping terror began to seep into her bones. It was a terrifying sensation that was so familiar she knew she'd noticed her stomach earlier, maybe multiple times over the past few days, and each time she'd managed to forget.

_I can't be._

"Rennah?" Anderson squeezed her hand and the white noise that had drowned out his voice receded. "Oh damn." He looked appalled. "You didn't know?"

Rennah dragged her attention off her swollen stomach and sucked in a ragged breath, terror wrapping iron bands around her lungs and squeezing so tightly she thought she'd pass out. She clutched his hand in hers so tightly her knuckles turned white and her stomach rolled sickeningly.

"Please tell me I'm not," she managed to gasp as panic stole her breath. "Please tell me I'm not pregnant?"

_I can't be. I can't be._

Anderson looked at her pityingly and scooted his chair closer to the bed. "You're about 5 months along-"

" _Five_ _months_?" Another wave of horror swept through her, and she shook her head. "I can't be."

"You are." His voice left no room to argue. "Rennah, you must have known?"

She shook her head pulled her hand from his, rolling sideways as she curled into a ball and tried to shut everything out. _Pregnant_. The word pounded through her mind. Forced her to acknowledge it. _I can't be pregnant. I can't be_. _I can't be_. But other things twigged at her memory; the way her armour had been getting tighter in the last few missions, the nausea in the morning that she'd blamed on stress, the way certain smells had made her stomach roll.

_She'd suspected._

_She'd known._

"No. No. No."

She clutched her head tighter, welcoming the pain and gritting her teeth. Flashes of the children she'd terrified when she was with the Reds fought their way to the front of the mind. The teenage girl with her wide eyes and gaping mouth. The little boy with his tear-stained face and pale skin. She couldn't take another child looking at her like that.

"Rennah, calm down." She felt Anderson's hands on her arms, trying to pry her hands away from her face. "It's unexpected, but you'll survive."

Something broke inside her at his words, something sharp and cold, and with a snarl she shoved him away from her, her feeble body aching at the movement. Her head whirled and she sucked in air as her vision danced in front of her; she couldn't have a baby.

"You have to get rid of it," her voice cracked and tears clouded her vision. "I won't have-"

"You stop this right now, Rennah Shepard!" Anderson slammed a hand down on the table beside her bed, scattering medical implements and a data pad to the floor. The noise and the violent movement startled her into silence, and Rennah stared at him with wide eyes. He gripped her by the shoulders and brought his face level with hers, his expression thunderous. "This baby survived the fucking war with the reapers, it survived you almost dying multiple times over the past month, and it's the only thing you currently have that belongs to James Vega."

_James._

His words hit her like a slap in the face and she froze, chilled to the bone.

_What if James was gone?_

"There is every chance the _Normandy_ won't come back and you have to realise that before you let some crap from your past mess your life up _again_. This baby is James' child and you need to stop panicking and _think_ for God's sake. _Think_ what James would want." He held her gaze and forced her to listen. "If he _doesn't_ come back this child will be all you have of his, and if he _does_ come back you need to think about what the hell he'll think about you aborting your baby!" Anderson was angry, angrier than she'd ever seen him, and Rennah shrank back.

The fear and terror were still knotted up tight inside of her, but for a moment, just a moment she thought about what it would mean if James didn't come back. Her fear of children was illogical – _she knew that_ – but it didn't make the prospect of having a baby any less terrifying. They represented everything she hated about herself. Everything she was scared she was deep down. Everything she didn't want to be.

Tears welled up, thick and hot and she sagged in his hold. "I'm scared," she whispered as her body was wracked with tremors. "I don't want this, David."

"I know." Anderson sighed and pulled her into his arms, holding onto her like she was still the messed up teenager he'd saved. "But you have to understand that acting on impulse isn't healthy, and you're so far along now that I'm not even sure an abortion is possible." He paused to let his words sink in. "You need to take some time and think this through. It's your body and it's your choice, but you need to take James into consideration too."

_He was right._

Rennah nodded and buried her face against his neck, clinging as sobs wracked her body. She wanted to speak, to tell Anderson that he was right – she needed to think about it – but her emotions were wrapped around her throat in a stranglehold and it was all she could do to keep breathing as she cried.

"Miranda will come and speak to you about your options. There is," he drew back so he could look into her face, his gaze dark with concern. "There is the matter of testing your baby for Eezo exposure-"

She went rigid as the thought of having a baby born with gross deformities hit her like a punch to the stomach. "Oh God."

He nodded. "You've been exposed to enough Eezo on Earth alone that the chance of your baby having some level of contamination is high. Miranda can run the tests and see if they pick up any anomalies. Most fetuses exposed don't make it. You know that."

Rennah nodded wordlessly, a new layer of terror settling over her.

Anderson gently lowered her back to the bed. "I know this has been a shock. I wanted to tell you earlier, but you weren't processing properly." He gently cupped her face in his hands. "It's a horrible way to welcome you back to the land of the living, but be brave and think this through logically. You're a very different person to the girl I saved all those years ago. You're strong and brave and if you choose to have this baby, you're going to make a great mother and I know it will make James proud."

Her throat closed over and she nodded dumbly, closing her eyes as he leaned forward and pressed a fatherly kiss to her forehead. She opened her eyes and watched him walk away with a sinking feeling, her thoughts tumbling about inside of her. Everything was so confusing and nightmarish – she didn't want to have this baby … but she didn't want to lose it if it was the only link she had left to James. It was like a big practical joke the universe was playing on her, because she was damned either way.

_Be brave and think this through logically._

Anderson's words echoed in her head and with a small sound she closed her eyes and curled up, shutting out the world around her and clutching her pillow to her chest. He was right – she needed to stop acting on emotions and start thinking, especially given that she knew without a shadow of a doubt that James would want this child.

She had to be brave.

* * *

**A/N - Poor Rennah! Hopefully you enjoyed this chapter - I don't think anyone will be surprised, lol. But I hope you enjoyed it!**


	76. Aika Multaa Muistot

_Disclaimer: I don't own Mass Effect_

**A/N - sorry for the lateness. If you read Distance than you know why my chapters are so slow. If you don't, then I'll just say that I've had the worst Christmas possible - and I really appreciate you sticking with me. Thank you to the wonderful people who read and review - I'm not sure if you know how much it means to me, but it means a lot. To the people who are following along quietly, thank you also for your support. I hope everyone enjoys this chapter. We're getting very close to the end now!**

* * *

James dropped to the floor and began another round of push ups, ignoring the steady scream that shot through his abused muscles as he tormented them further. Everything hurt, but the pain was a relief from the constant drag of time on the Normandy. The pain distracted him from his thoughts. It helped him focus on something other than how far they were from Earth and what may or may not have happened to Rennah.

He focused on a point in the floor as his core muscles burned with exertion and the shrieking agony in his shoulders and arms increased. Sweat dripped off him, beads rolling down his face and dripping off his nose as he finished one set and went straight to the next, forgoing his break. If he stopped, he'd think, and the pain of not knowing what he'd find when he got home was so much worse than this physical pain.

Four months they'd been out here now, and they still hadn't come across another ship or had any contact through the QEC. Plenty had changed on the Normandy; Kaidan had assumed command, being the most senior officer and a Council Spectre, and he'd immediately begun the process of repairing the Normandy's most vital systems. The Crucible's energy beam had caused massive damage to their systems, and with Adam's death they were down a specialist who they'd desperately needed.

With Tali healing in the medbay and unable to assist with repairs, it had taken the better part of a month to get the Normandy's drive core and navigation back online. And by then it had become abundantly clear that EDI's physical body – her mobile platform – was damaged beyond repair. Joker and Kaidan were hopeful that the AI core could be repaired given enough time, but there were other systems more pressing to their survival. Not that Kaidan had phrased it that way to Joker, especially as the pilot was holding onto the only hope he could, and neither James nor Kaidan could fault him for that.

The day they'd finally had enough systems up and running to begin the journey home had been an exciting one for more than one reason. Not only did it mean they were finally on their way back to the Earth and the people they cared about, it also marked the day Tali was released from Chakwas medical care. James couldn't remember ever having seen Garrus so happy – the memory warmed his heart even now and sent flutters of hope through him.

Happy endings _were_ possible.

James choked and faltered in the middle of his exercise as Rennah ghosted through his thoughts and his fear and anxiety welled up; a crushing wave of terror that she was gone. That she'd died alone and in pain. A million fears and _what if_ questions tumbled through his head, tormenting him, harassing him, swarming through his mind like the incessant buzzing of bees. Desperately James shook his head and chased the thoughts away, but a single image of her broken body lying cold and still amongst the wreckage of the Citadel stayed with him.

Mocking him.

His heartbeat thundered in his ears and his head swam with exhaustion, but he ignored it all and concentrated on the burn in his muscles as he did set after set.

 _She isn't dead,_ he chanted silently with each push up. _She isn't dead._

He'd had far too long to think of everything that might have happened to her while he'd been couped up in the medbay with Tali. When he slept, his mind had tormented him with dreams of Rennah desperately fighting swarms of husks that slowly overwhelmed her, and bombarded him with images of her reaching out to him with her eyes dark with terror, of her screaming his name-

"Lieutenant Vega, your presence is requested in the briefing room." Traynor's voice lilted over the shuttle bay's comm system, perfect and polite, but a poor substitute for EDI.

James paused mid-push up. "Give me a few minutes," he told the disembodied voice.

There was a short pause, and then her usual easy-going response, "No problem, Lieutenant."

James vaulted to his feet and the room swung around him, blood pounding in his head as black spots appeared in his vision. His chest heaved and his muscles trembled with fatigue, and he clumsily reached for the bench near his work out area, holding onto it for dear life as the head spin slowed. He'd dedicated hours each day to working out and strengthening his muscles, and at the back of his mind he knew he was pushing himself too hard; but it was the only way to stop himself thinking about Rennah.

Was she alive and waiting for him on Earth? Or had the worst happened and he'd come home only to be told she was gone? KIA? MIA? His breath hitched and he tightened his hold on the bench, closing his eyes and shaking his head until he'd quashed the thought down.

_They'd won, the reapers were dead, and Rennah was alive._

He had to believe it; it was all he had.

James wiped himself off and doused himself in deodorant; if Alenko had called him to the briefing room he had something important to say, and he didn't want to waste time showering. Had they heard from Earth? The thought made him pause, then he finished dressing in record speed – the lure of getting news from home enough to have him hurrying towards the elevator.

He was the last of what he'd privately dubbed the ' _A Team'_ to arrive in the briefing room, and he joined the others around the table. Kaidan and Joker stood together with a data pad in front of them, lines of stress etched into their faces as they ran through what looked like a list of complicated figures. Garrus, Liara, Tali and Traynor made up the rest of the small team, and James cast a puzzled glance around the room.

Everyone looked just as confused as him.

Finally, Kaidan nodded and Joker activated the holographic interface on the meeting table, bringing up a map of what James assumed was their trajectory to Earth. It marked their current location as well as the distance they still had to travel to reach Earth, including one spot which was marked with a bright flashing light. He frowned at the light, wondering if it had anything to do with the meeting.

"Thanks for coming," Kaidan leaned against the table and nodded towards the map. "A few hours ago we picked up a signal on the Alliance emergency band."

James held his breath; _had they heard from Earth?_

"What kind of signal?" Garrus' expression shifted into the turian approximation of a frown.

"It's a distress signal from an Alliance vessel," Joker broke in and pointed at the flashing light. "We've been able to pinpoint the location of the beacon, but not what ship it's coming from or how long they've been there for."

There was a murmur around the table and Kaidan shushed them before things could get too loud.

"We think there's a good chance it's one of the Alliance vessels from the fleet, given its location between the rendezvous point and Earth." Kaidan zoomed in on the blinking light as he talked. "Which means there could be survivors."

James drew in a deep breath and nodded, this wasn't the news he'd been hoping for, but it was something; a sign that they weren't alone out here.

"So we're stopping?" he asked. Kaidan and Joker exchanged a worried glance and he frowned. "What? What was that look for?"

The Major cleared his throat and winced. "Well, we're stopping, but you're not going to like what I have to say." He closed his eyes and rubbed his temples, stress oozing from him. "Damn, this isn't easy. Look, we have enough fuel to reach Earth within four months, give or take a few days, but if we have to decelerate from FTL then we're going to burn a lot of fuel-."

" _Dios_!" James groaned before he could stop himself, and he heard Tali and Traynor making similar remarks.

Kaidan let his breath out and nodded. "Yeah. It's not good news. It means we won't have enough fuel to accelerate to the same speed again. Not if we want to safely decelerate in the Sol system."

"How much longer will stopping add to our trip?" James asked, his voice harsh as he scraped the words out. He clenched his fists tightly at his sides, fighting to keep his face neutral.

Joker and Kaidan exchanged another look. "Well, that depends," the pilot began. "We have some fuel canisters stored aboard the Normandy, and if we stop and help this vessel, there a chance we could harvest fuel from their ship. Assuming it hasn't been destroyed, of course-"

"And if it has?" Garrus interrupted, his voice tight with irritation. "There are only so much food and water rations on board the Normandy, Joker. We were pushing supplies as it was."

"If the ship has no fuel, then we're looking at an extra few months, maybe more." Kaidan met James' gaze as he spoke, his eyes pleading with him to understand. "The point is we _have_ to help them. Imagine if that was the Normandy and all of us were stuck with no way home? How would you feel knowing a ship was passing by and they ignored your distress signal just to save themselves some time?"

James nodded with a quick jerk of his head, the muscles in his neck and shoulders tight with tension as Kaidan tore his gaze away and looked around the table. He didn't want to stop. It was selfish and he hated himself for it, but he wanted to know if Rennah was alive. Not knowing ate away at him, and every day it was a little bit harder to keep going.

"I know it's not ideal," Joker chimed in hesitantly. "But we're obligated to stop."

"And the ration situation?" Garrus asked firmly, his tone demanding an answer. "I highly doubt an Alliance vessel is going to carry dextro rations."

James ran a hand through his hair as both Joker and Kaidan floundered. "There's always cryo," he pointed out reluctantly. "If rations get too low we can always put all non-essential personnel into cryo, including you and Tali if we have no other choice."

Garrus turned and stared at him, pinning him with a familiar gaze that was still so alien, but eventually he sighed and nodded. "You're right of course. Being put in cryo isn't something I'd considered but … it _is_ a viable option."

It wasn't a pleasant thought, putting people into stasis just to save food and water, but it was something he'd thought long and hard about when he'd begun rationing their supplies.

Kaidan nodded and looked at them each in turn, his eyes focused and hard. "We don't know if the Crucible worked, so when we drop out of FTL we could find anything waiting for us. I want everyone suited up with breather helmets on, and I want the Normandy to be armed and ready for anything. I am _not_ ," his voice was fierce and James saw his hands grip the edge of the table, "going to let this be another Alchera. We could find an Alliance ship who needs our help, but we might find debris or reapers. I want us prepared."

Everyone moved out and James slunk back down to the shuttle bay, as much to suit up as to be alone. Every breath seared his chest and his vision danced as he made it to the elevator and blindly pushed the buttons. He heard someone slip in with him and he turned his back on them, struggling to fight back the crushing waves of disappointment.

He hated that part of him wanted to leave these people stranded just to get back to Earth sooner, it felt selfish and cowardly, but it hurt not knowing what had happened to Rennah.

"James?" Liara's voice broke the fraught silence in the elevator and he clenched a fist as he fought back the lump in his throat. "James?" She spoke again and touched his arm, a soft tap that was enough to make him wheel away from her.

He didn't want anyone touching him; he felt like he was going to explode as it was.

"Liara," he started to speak, but his voice cracked. "I want-"

"To be alone," she finished for him. "I know, and I'm sorry. This must be very painful."

Her words were like salt on an open wound and he whirled to face her, his words dying on his tongue as he saw her eyes shining with tears.

"I know how hard it is to lose someone you care about." She drew in a deep breath and let out a small choked laugh. "To lose Shepard."

James clenched his teeth. "We haven't lost her."

"I know, but it feels the same. Not having her here feels wrong." Liara dragged a hand down her face, clearly exhausted, and she gave him a small tired smile. "I saw the way you looked in there when Kaidan said our arrival back to Earth might be delayed, I'm sure he saw it too, and I wanted to let you know that you're not alone."

 _But I am_ , James thought helplessly. _I am alone._

He shook his head at the asari, not wanting to hear what else she had to say. "Liara, _don't_."

"No. I have to finish. I have to tell you this." She drew in a deep breath and straightened her shoulder. "When Shepard joined her mind with mine, back when they wanted to make sure she wasn't indoctrinated, she gave me some memories-"

James stilled and his stomach turned over.

"I didn't know why at the time, but I think she meant them for you, if-" Liara choked on her words and a tear rolled down her cheek as she composed herself. "-iIf the worst happened. I don't know if I should give these to you now, since she might be waiting for us back on Earth, but they might help you."

James' body felt frozen and the familiar cold terror that washed over him whenever he thought of Rennah being gone swept across him. They'd both known they might not make it through this war, they'd know there was a chance one or both of them would fall, but they'd said their goodbyes when she'd left him on the Normandy and returned to the battle. He didn't want to say goodbye to her again. He didn't know what was in the memories Rennah given Liara, and though he so desperately wanted to reach out and take Liara's offer and see her one last time … he couldn't.

He wouldn't.

 _She isn't dead!_ He reminded himself fiercely.

Liara looked so entreating, so desperate to help him as she reached a hand towards him in the elevator, but James shook his head and lurched away. The ice around his body melted and he dragged in a breath as the temptation passed. Whatever Rennah had shown Liara, whatever the memories were, he didn't want them now.

He'd break.

"No," James shook his head with a quick jerky shake and swallowed the burning lump in his throat. "I don't want to see them, not when she's still alive."

Her eyes softened. "James-"

"Don't," he pleaded softly. "Don't tell me she's not."

This time it was Liara who shook her head, and she stepped close and placed her hands on either of his shoulders, forcing him to meet her gaze. "Never," she said softly. "I was only going to say that if you change your mind, the offer is open. The memories she gave me are beautiful, and if things get too hard, well," her lip shook and her blue eyes filled with tears. "It might help. She loved you a lot, you know. More than she did anyone else."

James nodded, unable to speak, and when the elevator doors opened on the shuttle bay he gratefully escaped. He didn't need pity from Liara, or to have her almost crying because whatever Shepard had given her _for him_ was so beautiful it moved her to tears. He just wanted to get home. And if he wanted to stay sane he had to keep himself together and focus on the mission, which meant suiting up and getting ready to meet whatever was waiting for them when they dropped out of FTL.

His hands fumbled as he pulled on his armour and it wasn't until he dropped his helmet for the third time that he stopped and steadied himself. He'd been pushing himself too hard - his vision was blurred, his muscles were shaking, and his stomach was knotted up. Things needed to change; he needed to take better care of himself.

God knows Rennah would be pissed if he came home half-dead and malnourished.

He finished locking his armour in place and triple checked his seals before he looked up to see Tali watching him, her hands fidgeting nervously in front of her. Seeing her softened the knot of tension inside of him – she knew better than the others how he was feeling. They'd spent days and weeks in beds next to each other healing, with nothing better to do than talk.

He knew she loved the strawberry flavoured dextro rations and that she blamed herself for Adams death, and she knew that he loved to cook and that he woke up crying from his nightmares more often than not. Prior to winding up in the medbay with her, James hadn't really spent much time around Tali, but he'd learned that behind her purple mask was a beautiful and soft young quarian who was somehow both a romantic and a realist.

He gave her a tired smile. "Heya, Sparks."

She huffed and came closer, the curve of her nose and luminous eyes just visible behind her mask as she propped one hand on her hip and held the other one out, a ration bar curled in her hand tightly. "You skipped your breakfast today."

James grinned sheepishly and took the offered bar. "I meant to eat," he defended himself as he read the flavour and repressed a shudder.

" _And_ you skipped lunch. Next time don't wait so long." She crossed her arms and watched as he retrieved his weapons and holstered them. "Or I'll bring you an even worse flavour."

He could hear the smile in her voice and he grinned. "Thanks, _Sparks_. What would I do with you?"

"Starve?" she suggested pointedly.

They stood together in companionable silence while he picked out his ammo clips and grenades, and Tali fussed with her shotgun, adjusting a mod twice before she was happy with it. More marines began to filter down to suit up, most of them cheered by the prospect of rescuing their fellow men, though there were a few surly faces among them. Garrus appeared and Tali excused herself, her body language changing subtly as she approached her mate.

James grinned; they were a cute couple and he _fully_ intended to continue teasing Vakarian about it for the next few months.

"Lieutenant Vega, we need you in the cockpit." Kaidan's voice sounded over the comm just as James finished prepping.

"On my way, Major."

He clipped his helmet to his hip and made his way back up to the CIC level, tearing open the ration bar Tali had brought him and wolfing it down in three bites. His stomach gurgled, complaining that there wasn't more, but James ignored it. He'd eat another later. Besides - they would need all the rations they had if they picked up survivors.

When he reached the cockpit, Kaidan was in the co-pilots seat and he nodded to James as he joined them.

"Beginning deceleration," Joker told them, and James watched as his hands flew over the controls. "Drive core is stable and we're coming up on the beacon now. Prepare to engage retro-thrusters at the computers signal."

Kaidan engaged the controls and the Normandy dropped out of FTL, alarms shrieking as they flew straight into a spinning field of debris. James automatically gripped the ceiling as Joker cursed and began evasive manoeuvres, his cursing growing louder as he somehow managed to move the Normandy away from the huge chunks of twisted metal.

"Shit fucking damn it!" The pilot growled as he narrowly avoided an especially large piece of debris and finally moved them into clear space. "What the hell?"

James let out his breath in a hiss as he took in the view they had of the mess in front of them. He could see an Alliance dreadnaught, mostly intact as it listed through space. Around it was an impressive amount of debris, and here and there he could make out what appeared to be parts of an Alliance cruiser.

"Is that the SSV Orizaba?" he asked as she dreadnaught slowly rolled through space, lettering along its side slowly becoming visible.

"Hackett's flagship?" Joker leaned forward in his seat and began running scans. Whatever he saw had him sitting up straight. "Shit, it is. I'm getting multiple life signs too." His fingers flew over the controls. "I'm picking up wreckage from at least two cruisers nearby, no life signs. But I've got energy fluctuations and life signs on the Orizaba."

James watched as the major scanned for an active comm system on the other ship, and slammed his hand down angrily when the computer picked up nothing but the emergency beacon.

"Okay." Kaidan stood up and turned to face James. "We'll send three teams over to sweep the ship. Lieutenant, I want you and Garrus to meet me in the shuttle bay, each of us will head up a team. If you're up for it?" His gaze moved down to James' injured leg.

James nodded and grinned as a sense of purpose filled him. "Oh, I'm ready."

Sitting around day after day on the Normandy had been driving him mad, but this – leading a team and getting off this ship – was something he could do. It would take his mind of everything and maybe he could do some good. Hackett might know more about what had happened on the Crucible and if they'd won against the reapers.

And maybe, just maybe, he'd know what happened to Rennah.

* * *

**A/N - I hope you enjoyed this. Next chapter is another James chapter, so you'll have to wait liiiittle bit longer to find out what Rennah has decided to do. Hopefully the wait will be worth it! :)**


	77. Like A Ghost

_Disclaimer: I don't own Mass Effect_

**A/N – well this took twice as long to get out as I'd intended, but to be fair the chapter is twice as long as I usually write. Thank you to my lovely readers and reviewers for sticking with me, it means the world. We're almost at the end now, just a few chapters to go. I hope you enjoy this.**

* * *

James took point as he led his team down one of the seemingly endless hallway on the Orizaba, their torch lights penetrating the inky darkness in narrow beams. Tali followed close behind him, using a program on her omni-tool to scan for life signs and energy readings, while Javik brought up the rear. The blackness around them was disorientating and their torchlight made the shadows jump and dance in a way that had James' adrenaline pumping.

Somewhere above them on the crew decks, Kaidan and Garrus' teams were sweeping for survivors. James didn't envy them the job, especially as he could imagine how many bodies they were finding. His team's job was to try and ascertain what had happened on the Orizaba, and to hopefully get main power and major systems running again. It was slow going as the ship was running on limited emergency power, which meant no lights, no gravity, and no oxygen.

_Thank God for maglock boots_ , James thought as they plodded along steadily.

A door loomed out of the darkness again and he tapped Tali on the shoulder. "How we going, Sparks?"

She consulted her omni-tool. "I'm getting some fuzzy readings from the main drive core up ahead."

"Life signs?" he asked, surprised.

She shifted her weight from foot to foot, thinking, and shook her head. "Not life signs no, but some intermittent power signals. I don't think it's the drive core either, it might be that some backup systems are still running."

They stopped outside the door and James drew his pistol as Javik moved forward and levered the door open. The room inside was lit by a flickering blue glow from some terminals, and James cursed and reared back as a shape moved through the gloom towards him.

"Holy shit!" He ducked as his torch beam hit the shape and a body loomed across him, the dead soldiers face half charred as though he'd been in a fire. His heart hammered and he swallowed back bile as the dead man seemed to stare at him accusingly. "Fuck, we have more bodies in here."

James tightened his grip on the gun and tried to shake off the shiver that worked its way through him. This wasn't the first body they'd seen here. When he'd flown them in and landed in the shuttle bay, they'd discovered the ship was in a state of vacuum and the bodies of dead soldiers had been left to float aimlessly through the halls and rooms. Their bulging eyes, protruding tongues, and waxen skin had filled James with a kind of quiet terror.

He ducked under the body, allowing Tali to catch the marine and direct him down the hall and out of their way. It seemed cold to treat the dead marines as debris in their way rather than with the respect the dead deserved, but there were too many bodies for them to operate any other way.

There were more dead inside the room, some blackened from an explosion that had clearly come from the drive core, and James heard Tali draw in a shaky breath. This was what she'd almost experienced on the Normandy when she lost Adams, he realised, and James reached back and touched her shoulder lightly.

"You doing okay?"

She nodded a little too fast. "I'm … _okay_. Not great. But I have a job to do."

James let her go as she made a beeline to the main control desk, running a diagnostic with her omni-tool and starting up the terminal. She talked to herself as she worked, muttering things that the translator couldn't catch, and humming snatches of songs. James tagged Javik and got the prothean to help him catch some of the floating bodies, the two of them manoeuvring the bodies away from Tali as she worked.

" _Bosh'tet_ console!" she ground out abruptly and thumped it with a fist, her omni-tool sparking. Finally, the lights flickered on and she pushed away from the terminal triumphantly. "There! We have lights!"

"Gravity?" James asked as she floated towards him, her mag boots disengaged.

"The system is too badly damaged. I've managed to jury rig lights through the emergency power, but the drive core overloaded and the computer mainframe is corrupted." Tali sighed, the sound crackling through James' helmet heavily. "If Adams was here, he would probably know-"

"That's enough of that talk." James set her down on her feet and gave her arms a light squeeze. "Maybe Adams could help, but I don't think so. You're the best damn mechanic we have."

Tali's eyes narrowed behind her helmet, the gleaming orbs shrinking to a sliver. "I'm an _Admiral_ now, James. Not a mechanic."

He grinned at her, pleased that he'd at least distracted her from thoughts of Adam's and the Normandy's drive core accident.

" _Lieutenant Vega?"_ Kaidan's voice came through his comms and James straightened automatically. " _I take it we have you to thank for the lights?"_

"Admiral Tali'Zorah vas Normandy got them online, sir," James told him with a serious voice, stepping out of reach of Tali as she tried to punch him in the arm. He winked at her playfully. "Any luck up there?"

" _Yes. We found fourteen survivors including Admiral Hackett."_ There was a pause and then he added. " _Turns out you weren't the only one who thought to use cryo pods as a last resort. I'll need you to come up here and help me get the pods ready for transport back to the Normandy. I'll update your HUD_."

James nodded. "I'll start making my way up to the crew level."

He motioned for Javik and Tali to follow him as he headed back towards the lifts. If Tali said there was nothing more she could do down here, then there was nothing more they could do, and though he wasn't an expert on cryo pods, at least he would be of some help up there.

He hit the button on the elevator as his omni-pinged with updated coordinates. "Got them. We're on our way, _Iceman_."

* * *

Transferring the pods to the Normandy took most of an entire cycle, and by the time James tumbled into his bed he could barely think straight. He kept seeing things from the corners of his eyes, flickers of shadows and movement when there was none. The third time he almost let a pod drift away because he was distracted, Kaidan sent him back to get some sleep.

He'd wanted to stay awake, to find out if Hackett knew anything about the Crucible, but his physical and mental exhaustion were clear and the Major threatened to have Chakwas sedate him if he didn't rest, so he let Tali drag him back to his bed and put him to sleep. When he woke up a full nine hours later he showered, dressed and went in search of some food and news.

"Hey James," Joker greeted him tiredly as James stumbled into the mess, wiping sleep from his eyes. "You look like shit."

"I feel like shit," he agreed as he poured himself some black coffee and snagged a ration bar. "Any news?"

Joker nodded and James' gut tightened as the pilot looked down at his hands. "Yeah, Chakwas woke up Hackett and the other survivors, a few officers but mostly marines. Apparently they were the only ones close to the cryo pods when the accident happened. Their survival was pure luck and quick thinking on behalf of Hackett – he knew they weren't going to get to the evacuation pods in time, so he gave the order for the crew to enter stasis. He couldn't believe that only fourteen people had made it. Hell. He tried to order Kaidan to go back over and look for other survivors."

"Shit. The Iceman wouldn't do it?"

The pilot shook his head. "Of course not. He showed Hackett the readings and he backed down fast. But, we did have some good news." Joker brought up his omni-tool and sent James a file. "Ta-daa! We have food and fuel aplenty."

He opened up the data Joker had sent him and grinned, some of the knotted tension inside of him dissolving as he saw the fuel and provisions that they'd managed to scavenge from the dreadnaught while he'd been sleeping. It was more than enough fuel to get them home, and enough provisions to keep them all well fed. There had even been limited supplies of dextro rations; and _any_ dextro food was better than none.

"This is great. More than we expected." James said, closing the file and unwrapping his ration bar. "So what happened to the Orizaba?"

"Same thing that happened to us, but their core went critical." Joker shrugged and finished eating. "He didn't go into much detail, but I gather it was pretty messy. Same as us."

His eyes misted up and James hastily looked away, pretending he didn't see as Joker wiped his eyes. The poor guy had lost the woman he loved, and even though he was holding out hope that they could bring her back online, he had already seen the worst. He'd held EDI's lifeless body, begged her to open her eyes and speak to him, had watched as others took her body away and told him she was gone.

He'd lived what James feared.

James' omni-tool pinged again with a message from Hackett to report to the briefing room, and he polished off his ration bar in a huge bite, washing it down with the black coffee.

"Duty calls, I'm afraid," he excused himself and hurried to the elevator, not entirely surprised when Kaidan joined him by the elevator.

"Hackett?" The major asked as they entered the elevator and he pushed the button for the CIC.

He nodded. "Yeah, you know what this is about?"

"I asked for a meeting when he felt up to it," Kaidan confessed, crossing his arms over his chest. "As much to swap information as to find out where we stand with him. _And_ ," he forestalled James' question with a raised hand, "to ask if he knows anything about what happened to the people on the Crucible."

_To find out if Rennah survived._

Hackett was waiting for them in the briefing room when they arrived, the smell of medigel permeating the air with its sickly sour stench. The older man stood up as they entered, his face pinched tight with pain as his movements jolted one injury or another. James winced in sympathy as he saw the lacerations to his arms and neck; The Admiral would certainly have a few new scars after this.

"At ease, gentlemen." Hackett nodded to them politely. "Given that you pulled my ass out of the fire- _well_ , ice as it were, I'm not going to stand on ceremony."

Kaidan nodded and gestured for his superior to take a seat. "You wanted to meet with us?"

"Yes. When I woke up earlier I was still groggy and I'm not fully sure I processed everything I was told." He rubbed the grey hair at his temples. "I know how the Orizaba wound up stuck out here in space and that we lost thousands of men on board, but I'm curious as to what the Normandy is doing out here alone."

James listened as Kaidan explained, in as much detail as he could, what had happened to the Normandy. Everything from Joker's daring emergency dash to London to pick up the injured, to their jump through the beam, and what had come after. Hackett listened intently and occasionally interrupted to ask questions, specifically how they had avoided a drive core overload and the repairs they had done to their systems. When Kaidan was done, Hackett looked from the Major to James, his eyes lingering on them thoughtfully.

"I understand that the Normandy is under Spectre control and that you've taken command, Major Alenko?" Hackett spoke cautiously, as though feeling his way with the words, and James stiffened as he realised where this conversation was heading.

_The bastard was going to try to take Shepard's ship! After everything they'd done!_

It was a nonsensical thought, one which made no sense since the Normandy _was_ an Alliance ship and Hackett was the most senior officer, but he still bristled at the thought of someone else taking over. James looked across at Kaidan, expecting him to be similarly outraged, but the Major seemed perfectly calm as he nodded, his eyes understanding.

"I am the most senior officer, so it made sense to take the wheel of the ship, so to speak, _but,"_ James was surprised to see Kaidan flash Hackett a wry smile as he spoke. "The majority of the crew is Alliance. I assume you'll want to assume command for the remainder of the journey home?"

Hackett looked relieved. "You assume correctly. I don't want to step on any toes, and I'll be liaising with you on any decisions that have to be made, of course. Now, the Orizaba has supplies the Normandy could use-"

James cleared his throat and consulted his Omni-tool. "Over 5000 units of fuel and enough water and rations to supply the trip home without drastic rationing." He sent Hackett and Kaidan the projections that Joker had sent him and hesitated, shuffling in his seat as he worked up the courage to spit out the question he desperately wanted to ask. "Admiral, do you know what happened on the Citadel? To Commander Shepard? I mean, the Orizaba went through the Mass Relay after we did-"

James broke off as Hackett looked up sharply, his gaze narrowing as he drew in a deep breath. The other man's steely eyes bore into him uncomfortably, and he was reminded of the day on the Citadel when Hackett had given him his N7 designation. The other man knew he was involved with the Commander, he'd be an idiot not to, but he'd turned a blind eye to it because there were other things to worry about in the middle of a war than fraternisation.

The silence before the Admiral spoke lasted for the eternity of a heartbeat and James clenched his hands into fists, his nails biting into his palms. As much as he wanted to know the answer, he was terrified of what it would be.

_She's alive, dammit!_ He told himself furiously. _She's alive._

"The Orizaba _was_ the last ship through the relay," Hackett confirmed, leaning back in his seat and crossing his arms stiffly. His eyes softened pityingly and with a sinking heart James realised that it wasn't good news. "After the fleet retreated we detected a second build-up of energy in the Crucible moments before it fired, and there were reports of multiples explosions across what had been the Citadel-"

James stood up before he could help himself, his chair scraping across the floor.

"What are you saying?" he demanded, forgetting in the rush of fear and adrenaline that this was his superior officer. "Are you saying it's gone?"

"We don't know, Lieutenant." Hackett gestured for him to sit down again, but James was too agitated and he paced as the Admiral continued. "We don't know where on the Citadel the Commander ended up, and we don't know what happened to her. The comms were down and we had no way of-"

James barely heard what he said, the thundering of his heart and the rush of blood through his ears was deafening. He tried to be sensible, to calm himself down and take heart in the news that Hackett _didn't know what had happened_ , but his brain latched onto the thought of a build-up energy in the Crucible, of explosions, of Shepard fighting so hard to save the Galaxy and losing her life in the process.

This wasn't what he'd been expecting to hear. He'd wanted reassurance that things had gone smoothly or maybe even news that Shepard was okay, that she was alive as far as Hackett knew.

Not this.

James managed to take his seat and sat through the rest of the meeting, blindly staring straight ahead and fighting the nauseating churning in his stomach. When they were done he left the meeting room at light speed, ignoring Traynor's friendly greeting and closing the elevator door in Kaidan's face as he hurried after him. Horrifyingly, tears burnt behind his eyes, and the tension in his chest was so tight it was hard to draw breath.

He needed to be alone. To process.

_To grieve?_

"No." James growled it out loud, his voice thunderously loud in the confined space. "She's not dead. Don't even think it, Vega. Don't even fucking think it."

But he couldn't seem to think of anything else.

When the elevator reached the shuttle bay he reeled out, another sharp pain cutting through him when he saw the empty terminal where Esteban usually worked. Without a second thought he stepped back into the elevator and went to the engineering level, slipping down into the storage level below the drive core. It was dark and smelled faintly of smoke from the electrical fire, but James ignored it all as he slumped to the ground and put his head in his hands, his fingers digging painfully into his scalp as he let the pain wash over him.

It was too much.

Being away from Rennah and not knowing what had happened to her or where she was had left a gaping hole in his chest, and losing Adams, EDI and possibly Esteban made the pain all the keener. James clenched his teeth as the ghosts of the dead swam before his eyes; his team that he'd lost on Fehl Prime, the colonists, even the face of sweet little April who had trusted him to save her. He'd let them all down. And now here he was - alive again while others were dead.

He drew in a rasping breath and let his head fall back against the wall with a clunk. His eyes were blurred with unshed tears and his chest burned as he fought to hold everything in. Tears wouldn't help, but it was impossible to hold his emotions at bay forever, especially when Hackett had confirmed his worst fears - that the odds that she'd survived were slim. Almost nil.

He pulled his dog tags over his head and ran them through his hands, his fingertips tracing over the engagement ring Rennah had given him. It was solid and real, and he gripped the ring in his hand, clenching it tightly as he fought back another swell of misery. Despair settled over him like a thick black coat, and he drew in another painful breath.

"James?"

James jumped at the sound of his name and realised he'd been followed; Kaidan and Liara stood at the foot of the stairs that led to his bolthole. He closed his eyes as they approached, unsure if he wanted the company or to be left alone in his misery. They were among the few people who could understand what he was feeling right now, but he didn't want their hollow reassurances or comfort. He wanted, no he _needed_ , to believe that Rennah was going to be waiting for him on Earth.

Boots scraped on the grated floor and he heard the rustle of fabric as they joined him on the ground.

"You okay?" Kaidan's voice was friendly and light. "You took off before I could talk to you."

James let out his breath and tried to speak but the words stuck in his throat. He swallowed hard and eventually managed to shake his head.

"No," he told Kaidan honestly, forcing himself to open his eyes. "I don't think I am."

Liara reached out a hand and touched his arm, her blue eyes sympathetic as they searched his. "You need to remember that Hackett doesn't know any more about what's happened to Shepard than we do. You need to hold onto your hope."

_What do you think I'm trying to do?_

He wanted to snap at Liara, to tell her that he knew that, but instead he nodded slowly. "I'm trying, but everything just keeps stacking up."

"Don't give up." Kaidan interrupted him in a quiet and firm voice. "That was my mistake when we lost her over Alchera-"

"Don't," James said quietly; the last thing he wanted to do right now was think about the fact that Shepard had already died once. The thought of her floating alone in space, suffocating and slowly dying, sent a chill through him and James pressed his free hand to his eyes, desperately trying to stem the tears that were gathering.

He didn't want to live the rest of his life without Rennah. The idea of it filled him with a cold dread and with a small sound of pain he buried his face in his hands.

"Oh James." Liara was suddenly there with her arms around him, holding him close and running soothing hands down his back. "Shepard will be okay, she will be. You just have to hold onto hope."

James nodded as his stomach churned with anxiety. "I'm trying, but it's hard," His voice broke with emotion as he spoke. "I was going to marry her, you know?"

Kaidan snorted softly. "Oh buddy, you got it bad. You _know_ Ren isn't exactly the marrying kind-"

"No," he interrupted his friend and held out his palm with the ring and his dog tags in the centre. "You don't understand; Rennah proposed to _me_. We we're engaged."

There was silence from Liara and Kaidan for a long moment, and then Kaidan actually slumped back against the wall beside him and laughed.

"Fuck me!" he exclaimed, the vulgar words sounding oddly unfamiliar in Kaidan's tone. "I didn't think she'd ever … holy shit, congratulations! I mean," The biotic abruptly looked stricken as he realised the situation James was in. "Christ, James! No wonder you've been so stressed."

James nodded slowly and a numbness spread through his body as Kaidan clapped him on the shoulder, evidently pleased. He barely noticed. Instead his stomach churned sickeningly as he realised what he'd just said: _I was going to marry her_. He'd been talking about Rennah in the past tense.

He'd been talking about her like she was gone.

Liara congratulated him, her eyes shining as she told him she'd suspected they were more serious than they'd let on to the crew.

"I had no idea, but I'm happy for you both," Kaidan told him earnestly, and James forced himself to pay attention. "And when we get back to Earth, I know she's going to be waiting for you, okay?"

His belief that Rennah was still alive helped, and James managed to swallow the lump in his throat. "Thanks, Kaidan."

The biotic grinned again. "So she proposed to you, huh? I'm less surprised about _that_. Rennah and Jack are … unique."

"I was surprised." James managed a smile as he remembered the moment she'd got down on one knee with the ring. "She knelt on one knee and everything ... ." His voice petered out as sadness welled up again, a horrible certainty that he was never going to see Rennah again; to touch her again, to kiss her lips or hold her close. "God, what if she's gone? I don't know if I could-"

Kaidan stopped him. "You need to believe she'd there waiting for you. Just like I am with Jack." The Major chuckled suddenly, a bittersweet sound. "I never told anyone, but the night of Ren's party on the Citadel?" He waited for James to nod before he continued. "I let Jack tattoo me. I think I must have been out of my mind or riding high on adrenaline, but it seemed like a good idea at the time."

Before James could say anything Kaidan slipped his BDU shirt off and leaned forward so he could see the tattoo on his shoulder. It was a black and red geometric pattern that reminded him of the shapes and patterns on Rennah's back.

"She said it was so people would know that I'm hers," Kaidan said and his voice hitched as he sat back, a shadow crossing his face. "So she could find me and know me if I got hurt." He glanced down at his hands and James saw his throat move as he swallowed. "I keep thinking about what's happened to her and if she's still alive or if-" Kaidan drew in a long breath and shook his head. "But I can't think like that. Jack and Rennah are survivors. They're strong and they're going to be waiting for us when we get back. I have to believe that, James. I have to or I'll go mad."

Kaidan looked up and met his eyes, a desperate shadow crossing his face. Suddenly James understood; Kaidan had lost Rennah all those years ago and he'd given up on her. He wasn't going to let it happen again. He was in love with Jack, deeply in love, and as long as he believed she was alive there was a chance she was.

It's how he'd been thinking too until Hackett slapped him in the face with the truth today.

Now he felt like he was drowning.

"You're right; they're both strong and if anyone could make it, they will-" He paused, reality hitting home again. "But Rennah was _on_ the Crucible when it fired, and I think maybe it's time for me to start being realistic." James looked back down at the ring in his hand and gripped it tightly, his heart breaking as he voiced the painful thought that had been lurking deep inside him for a while now. "Maybe it's time I face up to the fact that she might not be there when I get home."

Liara gasped and moved closer to him, pulling him into another hug. Her skin was cool against his and her biotics prickled against him, tickling.

"You mustn't give up, James. No matter how long it takes for us to get home, or how hopeless things seem, you need to hold onto hope. If there is one thing I know about Shepard, it's that she knows how to survive." Liara's voice was urgent, intense, and she pulled back to look hard into his face. "Let me help you. _Please_. Shepard gave me these memories to give to you. They're for you. Let me show you."

James dropped his eyes and sighed, his shoulders sagging as he nodded and gave in; to see her again, even in a memory, would be better than nothing.

"Kaidan, can you give us some space?" Liara took James' hand and laced her fingers with his. Her grip was warm and reassuring.

Kaidan nodded and got to his feet. "I'll be at the top of the stairs. Call me if you need me."

He pulled on his shirt as he vanished from the room, leaving him alone with Liara. James swallowed hard, a fine trembling starting up along his limbs as he tried to hold himself together so he wouldn't fly apart at the seams.

"You don't need to be scared," she told him as she moved to kneel in front of him, a height which put their faces at the same level. "Just relax and keep breathing."

James nodded and looked up. It wasn't his first time embracing eternity with an asari, but it was his first time doing it in a non-sexual way. His mind flicked back to the asari Treeyah, and with a guilty flash he wondered what had become of her in the war. After the collector attack they'd tried to make a go of their relationship, but in the end he'd left her on Fehl Prime, too distraught to stay with her and too torn up about the death of the colonies to look her in the eye without feeling guilty.

"Are you ready?" Liara squeezed his hand to get his attention and James nodded, clearing his mind and focusing on her beautiful eyes.

"I'm ready," he whispered, watching in fascination as Liara drew in a breath and closed her eyes, when she opened them a darkness swirled through them like a drop of ink in water, the darkness sparkling like a midnight sky.

_Rennah always loved the stars_ , he thought disjointedly as Liara whispered for him to embrace eternity, and he fell forward into her gaze, their minds melding seamlessly, effortlessly, coming together in a perfect and beautiful connection. James felt Liara's surprise, because Rennah always struggled and she had to work so hard to maintain a connection, and a small flicker of amusement passed through him as they both agreed that she was too stubborn for her own good.

Liara pulled back, her presence fading as memories began to fill him up, a confusing tumble of images, sights, smells, sensations and feelings. _So many feelings_. James caught only flickers as they poured into him, snatches of long nights making love, of kisses and touches, of yearning and desire. And woven through all of the experiences and memories that Rennah had given Liara was the warm, soothing knowledge that she loved him.

A memory, stronger than the others, caught hold of him; of sitting high on the Citadel with James beside her as they watched the lights below. A gentle breeze drifted against her skin, cool and refreshing, and she leaned into him, snuggling into his arms. A comforting feeling of peace spread through her; she was happy here with him - happier than she'd ever been. When he held her she was safe and loved, and all the bad things didn't seem to matter.

With a start he realised it was their first date; the rubbish from their pilfered snacks spread around them. He could feel how lonely she'd been before she met him like an ache in her bones, and how badly she wanted to be with him. The memory faded and he caught hold of another one; he was lying in a hospital bed and Rennah was next to him, the two of them somehow managing to fit on the narrow bed as they held each other.

Her guilt almost overwhelmed him as she wrapped him in her arms, tears burning behind her eyes because _she was responsible for this. She'd made the choice to let Cain shoot him. She'd been willing to let him die –_ but that hadn't been what she wanted to choose. Her terror in that moment, the agony of choosing his life against the people on the Normandy, weighed heavily on her and she began to cry – silently and slowly so he wouldn't notice.

James heart contracted painfully and he longed to reach out and touch her, to tell her that it was okay, that he loved her and didn't blame her for her choice. But it was just a memory, and in this moment she was buried in her guilt and drowning in terror. She'd never loved someone this way before, and the thought of him hating her for her choice, or secretly blaming her was breaking her heart.

"Lola-" James tried to reach out, to tell her that he'd never hate her, but the memory melted away.

The hospital room swirled and another memory surfaced, one unfamiliar to James, and he saw that it was night cycle in her cabin. The lights were off and the room was lit only by starlight and the soft glow of the fish tank. Rennah sat in bed, wide awake, watching him while he slept. She reached down and stroked a hand along his back, tracing his N7 tattoo and smiling slightly when he shifted in his sleep and grumbled.

_She loved him._

She loved him so much her heart swelled with the emotion, and she leaned down and pressed a kiss to his forehead, gently – so as not to wake him up. James felt her breath catch in her chest as she watched him, tears prickling in her eyes as she lowered herself to the pillows.

_She wanted things to stay this way forever._

"I love you, James" Her whisper startled him, though it was barely louder than a breath in the darkened room. "I don't know how this is going to end or what's going to happen when we go toe to toe with the reapers, but I'm going to save you."

She smiled in the darkness and moved close to him, snuggling to his chest as he rolled over and sleepily caught her in his arms. All the bad stuff in her life, all the horror she'd been through was worth it if it had led here to him. This was where she felt safe. This was home. And there wasn't _anything_ she wouldn't do to protect him.

"I love you, _Zvezda Moya_." She said softly in the darkness. "I always will."

The sadness in her voice sent a bolt of agony tearing through him and James pulled back, frantically reeling away from the memory and pulling free of Liara's mind. Reality returned in a frightening roar of sensation, and with a cry he fell back against the packing boxes, knocking them to the floor and scattering the contents. He heard Liara call his name and the sound of Kaidan's footsteps, but he buried his face in his hands and concentrated on breathing, trying to calm his pounding heart.

To see into Rennah's head, to learn how much she loved him and how safe and peaceful he'd made her feel was a blessing a curse, and James drew in a shuddering breath. All he wanted in the world right now was to feel her in his arms, to hold her again and tell her that he felt the same way. To let her know that she'd healed the part of his heart that had broken on Fehl – and that he loved her more than he loved anything or anyone.

"I should have been with her," he managed to choke out. "All her memories, everything she felt … she wanted to save me." He pulled his hands away from his face and shook his head, a choked sob escaping him. "But she was the one who needed saving. I was supposed to go with her to the Crucible, and I wasn't there."

"I know, buddy, I know." Kaidan reassured him. "Liara, can I talk to James alone for a moment?"

The asari seemed relieved, as though James' reaction had scared her. "Of course."

The biotic waited for her to leave and then knelt beside James. "There was nothing you could have done in London, James. The accident and what happened to you was _just_ an accident – Rennah knew that."

"I know," he agreed, but the words felt hollow. "But what if she's gone because I wasn't there? What if I could have saved her?"

Kaidan burst out laughing at his self-recriminations, the sound startlingly loud.

"What?" James asked, frowning – apparently his misery was amusing.

Alenko met his eyes squarely and wiped his eyes. "You sound like _me_. I said that exact same thing when Shepard died over Alchera. I tortured myself for months wondering what I could have done different or how I could have saved her." He got to feet and looked down at James. "But in the end it didn't matter, and dwelling on what happened and wishing you could change it doesn't do a thing. All you can do is the best you can in the situation you have."

_He was right._

"I miss her," James confessed woodenly into the silence. "All I can think about is what might have happened to her and if I'll ever see her again. I want to believe she's on Earth waiting for me, but what if she's not?"

Kaidan watched him for a moment, and then stretched out a hand to help him up. "She will be," he said simply.

James reached up and let Kaidan pull him to his feet. "What if you're wrong?"

"Do you want me to be wrong?"

James blinked and shook his head rapidly. "No, of course not."

He'd give anything, _anything_ , for her to be alive on Earth and waiting for him.

"Then she's alive until you find out otherwise. Don't make the same mistake I did on Alchera." Kaidan gave him a final hard look and then spun on his heel, pausing at the foot of the stairs to glance back. "Oh, I thought you should know, we're planning to get underway for Earth again asap. We still need to calculate our acceleration and deceleration times, but we should be arriving on Earth only a few weeks after our original date at the most."

James nodded and watched as the Major left, his own emotions skittering about inside of him so fast he couldn't have said what he was feeling. All he knew was that they were on their way home again, and hopefully his Lola would be waiting for him.

All he could do was hope.

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**A/N – I have to confess I made myself cry writing this chapter. I hope you enjoyed it.**


	78. Still Here

_Disclaimer: I don't own Mass Effect_

**A/N – This chapter took longer than I wanted because I was distracted by Kaidan Appreciation Week on Tumblr. Sorry! On the plus side, I now have several new fics, including a Shega fic called '** _**My Valentine'** _ **which you can find on AO3 (but not ) and several new Shenko fics – including one where Kaidan takes Jack's place as Subject Zero called '** _**Through A Mirror Darkly'** _ **. Anyway, hopefully this chapter is worth the wait! :) Thank you to everyone who reviewed! It means a lot!**

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The shuttle shuddered as it cut through the air above Vancouver and swooped in low over the bay, giving the passengers a breathtaking view of the shattered metropolis. The city was the colour of ashes, all greys, charcoals and smears of dusty whites, and Rennah stared in surprise at how badly scarred the city was. There were no glittering skyscrapers or sweeping architectural wonders anymore, instead the skyline was awash with cranes and heavy machinery which kicked up billowing clouds of ash and dust.

Digging, moving, lifting, building.

Vancouver, like London, like all the major cities of the world, was slowly healing. The people were rebuilding the broken parts and repairing the damage done. It was slow going and things would never be the same; too many lives had been lost, too much damage done, and not all the scars were as visible as the damage done to the city.

There were some wounds that would never heal.

"How does it feel to be home?" Cortez asked as he peered out the window, his expression excited. "I know it looks a bit of a mess, but you have to admit that the Bay looks beautiful."

Rennah stifled her immediate response that this wasn't her home, and smiled politely as she dodged his question. "The Bay looks nice," she agreed.

She leaned back in her chair and turned her face away from the window, managing to catch the concerned look that Cortez and Jack exchanged. Annoyance rose in a hot flush and she fought it down, forcing herself to relax into the seat, close her eyes, and concentrate on the feeling every jolt and bump of the shuttle as it came in for a landing. She'd missed this, the feel of flying, and she hated that she was being dumped on Earth like a regular civilian.

Without thinking, she clasped her hands around her stomach, riding out the small jolt of fear that always shot through her when she felt the bump. It was an irrational response to the baby growing inside of her, but no matter how hard she tried to tell herself that this baby was a good thing, she couldn't help but fear what it would mean for her.

What if she wasn't a good enough mother?

What if she poisoned her baby the way she'd poisoned so many other lives?

What if her child hated her?

Her heart thumped painfully in her chest and Rennah concentrated on drawing in deep breaths, willing herself to stay calm, and reminding herself that this was a small piece of James that no one could take away from her. That if she lost him completely it would be all she had left. She gripped the arms of the seat tightly and scrunched her eyes closed, hating how weak she sounded inside of her own head, how desperate and pathetic.

But she _missed_ James.

She missed his body next to hers at night and she missed his arms around her, but most of all she missed the way he had always been by her side, supporting her no matter what. And everything was made so much worse because she didn't know where he was or what had happened to him. With the Mass Relays still down and the repairs slated to take years, they had no choice but to wait for the Normandy to make her way home under her own power.

_Don't think about it,_ Rennah scolded herself, and she ripped her mind off of James and the Normandy and looked back out the window at the city below.

The shuttle skirted the outskirts of the city centre where construction was still in full swing, and made for a small settlement in a relatively clean area near what had been West End. The houses were all prefab and trailers, but most of the people milling around were wearing Alliance uniforms, so at least Anderson wasn't dumping her in some civilian outpost like he'd threatened.

_Thank God._

The prefab house the shuttle dropped them in front of leaned drunkenly to one side and was heavily dented and pock marked with bullet fire. Rennah stared at it for a moment, her mouth twisting in what she knew was undeserved disdain. It was four walls and a roof, which made it better than some of the places she'd bunked down in over the years, especially during some of her early N7 deployment missions.

_And it was temporary_ , she told herself as she stepped through the shuttle's hatch, her boots crunching on the gravel and dust underfoot. _Just temporary until I can go back to the Citadel._

"Home, sweet home." Cortez said brightly, slinging his duffle bag over his shoulder and glancing around. "Looks a little basic, but we'll make do."

Rennah frowned, was he really this upbeat? Or was he faking it to try and keep her positive?

"Basic?" Jack joined them with a scowl, looking about as excited as Rennah felt. "It looks like shit." She swung around to glance at Anderson. "How come we're staying here and not in some fancy Alliance digs?"

Anderson snorted and took Rennah's duffle bag from her hand before she could protest. "Believe me, three people in a house like this _is_ luxury. You should see the burned-out shell of a building I'm staying in."

Jack muttered under her breath and stomped towards the house, flinging the door open and vanishing inside with what sounded like a string expletives.

"I know it's rough." Anderson put his hand on Rennah's shoulder to stop her when she started towards the house. "And I know you don't want to be here, but until the Citadel is cleaned up we don't have a choice. Especially not in your current condition."

"I'm pregnant, not dying," she retorted, snatching her bag back out of his hand.

The Admiral took it back without missing a beat. "You're also recovering from injuries which should have killed you. Humour me, Shepard. Use this down time to rest. If you push yourself too hard the doctors _will_ confine you to bedrest, is that understood?"

Rennah sighed and nodded. "Yeah, yeah, I get it."

She followed Jack into the house and took a short tour of their accommodations. It was basic and sparsely furnished, with two bedrooms, a kitchen-diner and a small living room. Jack had thrown her duffel bag onto one of the single beds in the shared room and Anderson placed her bag on the other. Rennah barely contained another sigh, aware that Jack was doing this for her; the psychotic biotic liked her privacy too much to share a bedroom for any other reason.

"Don't worry sir, we'll take care of the Commander," Cortez was saying to Anderson when she emerged into the living room. His eyes flicked to her and he grinned teasingly. "Make sure she gets to her physiotherapy sessions and goes to the doctor. Especially the doctor visits. Every single one of them."

Rennah flipped him off and flopped into a chair, wincing as a bolt of pain shot from her lower back and down her leg.

"I'll go to the doctors on my own, I don't need a bloody chaperone." She rubbed her back and glowered at them. "And if you're that worried about me, you could have left me on the Destiny Ascension."

Anderson chuckled and let her retort wash over him. "Let your friends help you out, that's all I'm asking."

Rennah rolled her eyes, aware she was being childish but unable to help herself. "Fine," she grumbled. "But if you think I'm going to laze around the house fat and pregnant, you've got another thing coming."

Cortez started laughing and excused himself quickly, and Rennah tensed as Anderson joined her on the couch, obviously intending on having a heart to heart. She could feel him watching her, and reluctantly she turned and met his gaze, not bothering to hide her unhappiness with her current situation.

"I'm going to hate it here and you know it," she said to break the uncomfortable silence. "Please, David. Find me something to do on the Citadel! I can use my biotics to help with the clean-up!

He shook his head and held out his hands in a gesture of helplessness. "We've been through this and the answer is still no. You're not well enough to go back to active duty, and you're far enough along in your pregnancy that you need to rest or the work the doctors did on your back will all be undone."

Rennah groaned and leaned back on the couch, absently rubbing her hands over her stomach as the baby moved in a fluttery movement. The physical changes she was going through were frustrating and unpleasant; her body leaked, ached, swelled and her emotional state swung wildly from one extreme to the other. She wasn't allowed to do more than gentle exercise in case she strained her healing body, and over the past few months her muscles had atrophied to the point that she was skin and bones even with the baby.

"You know I hate the earth," she said eventually. "And you know _why_."

"Of course I do." Anderson flashed her a sympathetic look. "But my hands are tied here. Just try to think of it as a vacation."

Rennah grumbled that she would have preferred to take a vacation anywhere but here and stood up to show the Admiral out. He took his leave, leaving her with more warnings to take care of herself and the baby, and departed in a shuttle loaded up with Alliance marines about to start their shifts in the city.

The air seemed to thicken in Anderson's absence and the rows of houses loomed like prison walls, trapping and keeping her here. It wasn't entirely accurate, but it felt like it, especially since everyone one else appeared to be keeping busy while she was supposed to sit around and do nothing. Even Jack and Cortez had orders to help with the clean-up. Cortez would be flying shuttles between Vancouver and the Citadel, and Jack was heading up a biotic reconstruction team.

"Want to walk around and check this shithole out?" Jack appeared at her side and lightly shoulder-bumped her. "Or are you just going to head back inside and sulk?"

Rennah glanced at her from the corner of her eyes and shrugged, casting her gaze out over row after row of makeshift homes. Some houses had small gardens out the front or lawn furniture, as though people were trying to settle in and make it homely. Her lip curled distastefully at the thought of being grounded on Earth with these people, and she turned to face her friend.

"Actually, I think I'm going to lie down for a bit. You can look around." She turned on her heel and slunk inside the house before Jack could answer.

It wasn't a lie; she did feel tired.

This felt like being under house arrest all over again, only this time she didn't have James to keep her company. At least on the Destiny Ascension she'd still felt like Commander Shepard. Here, she was just another civilian.

She was nothing.

* * *

The days passed slowly, the nights even more so, and things didn't seem to get any easier no matter what Rennah did. The heavy panicky feeling that had sprouted in her chest when Anderson flew away worsened until sometimes it was hard to breathe – as though she had bands wrapped around her chest constricting her lungs, and the movement of the baby within her only made things worse.

She attended physical therapy and prenatal appointments, trying hard to take an interest in her child because if she didn't the doctors looked at her strangely, and she was sick of people doing that. Her psychology appointments she handled in much the same way, talking just enough to satisfy them but not enough to make them suspicious.

And all the while the anxiety ate away at her insides.

Rennah shifted in bed, throwing the loose sheet off and heaving herself up. The house was surprisingly quiet, and she listened for a moment before she opened the bedroom door and slipped out into the main living area. The lights were all off, and though daylight peeped from under the blackout curtains, the house was mostly cool and dark.

Was she actually alone for a change?

For the past few weeks she'd noticed that either Jack or Cortez were with her at all times, and their constant presence only reinforced her suspicions that Anderson didn't want her left alone. It wasn't as though they hovered by her elbow or followed her from room to room, but they were always _there_ and it both infuriated and touched her; she liked Cortez and Jack, they were her friends, but she _didn't_ need a nursemaid.

She poured herself a glass of water and retreated into the living room, sinking onto one of the armchairs and closing her eyes as she let the sounds from the outside world float in. The faint sound of a shuttle overhead, the low chatter of people passing by her house, and the laughter of children playing outside. The sound of their shrieks and giggles sent an icy prickle over her skin, and she curled her nails into the arms of the chair, gritting her teeth and trying to ignore the rising anxiety.

The laughter rose in pitch, grating like nails on a chalkboard.

Rennah's eyes snapped open; she needed to get out.

She _needed_ to get out of here and clear her head before she went mad.

She dressed quickly, throwing on jeans and a loose shirt before double checking her Omni-tool and escaping the house. The community spread around her; off-duty soldiers and civilians chatting happily and barbequing as their kids ran wild. A few people cast curious glances in her direction but Rennah ignored them and quickly made for the transport centre, intent on putting distance between herself and this place so she could breathe again.

The bands around her chest tightened as two kids skittered across her path chasing a ball. Rennah skirted around them as her heart began to pound; _that_ was what she'd signed on for. Not just pregnancy and a baby, but a child who would grow and be with her forever.

Panic surged and she clenched her hands into fists and forced herself to keep walking, taking quick shallow breaths because breathing any deeper was impossible. The transport into Vancouver was right ahead, and she climbed around without hesitating, scanning her Omni-tool and settling into a seat as she tried to calm her thumping heart.

It didn't work.

The fear lay too thick and deep inside of her, etched into her mind and body, and all she could do was sit on the transport and watch the world move around her. It was as though her life were a movie that she was watching without any real say on what was going on. She felt disjointed. _Alone_. But perhaps the worst part was that she suspected she'd done this to herself, that she'd _willing_ cut herself off from the world to wallow in the misery and fear.

It had been her choice to have this baby, _James' baby,_ and though she didn't regret deciding to keep this little part of _them_ , she was still terrified - and that fear never left. She went to bed scared, woke up scared, and spent her day with constant jolts of adrenaline running through her. Cortez and Jack didn't understand, they couldn't understand, because unlike them she had nothing to distract her from the fear.

She was trapped.

With a rumble the transport finally took off and Rennah breathed a sigh of relief as the little community of prefab houses, squealing children, and horrible domesticity vanished behind her. The bands stayed tight around he chest, but the buzzing in her head faded a little so she could think around the constant screaming fear.

The journey to the city centre didn't take long and when the ship landed to drop off soldiers working on the reconstruction, Rennah slipped out with them, heading for the space port without any real thought of what she would do when she got there. She only knew that she needed to be around something familiar, to feel as though she was still part of this world and not just a passenger being dragged along.

Her Omni-tool buzzed as she walked, signalling a video call, but she ignored it and kept her eyes focused on the busy port ahead of her. Ships flittered through the air, shuttles mostly, but there were frigates docked and even a turian cruiser. The sight calmed her, soothed her, and reminded her that she wasn't really trapped here.

She crossed the street and headed for a park nearby that had a nice view of both the Bay and the space port. It was little more than straggly grass clearing with a few shrubs and trees clinging to life, but there was a bench and there was a view, and most importantly it was _empty_. Rennah made a beeline for the bench and made herself comfortable there as she watched the ships come and go in silence.

For the first time in weeks she willingly let her thoughts drift to James.

Was he up there in some distant part of space heading home? She hoped so, but the scouts that the Alliance had sent out to find their missing fleets had almost all returned from their patrols with no news, or with disappointing findings of scattered debris and no survivors. There was hope; two turian cruisers had returned in the last month, limping to Earth with faulty drive cores and stories of being knocked from the Mass Effect corridor by the Crucible's energy.

_They'd_ survived and made it home, so there would be others too.

There had to be.

_And if James was gone?_

Rennah instinctively wrapped her arms around her stomach and sucked in a breath. She didn't want to imagine a life without James, especially as her memory of their goodbye in London was fractured and dim. All she could remember was the look on his face when he realised she wasn't going to leave with him on the Normandy. It was a look of heartbreak and hurt, and she didn't want that to be her final memory of him.

The thought of her life as it was stretching on ahead of her, empty and joyless, sent a bolt of pain to her heart and Rennah's eyes blurred with tears. She didn't want to be alone. She didn't want to raise this child without James there to help her. It hadn't been until she'd met him that she'd realised how empty and lonely she was. She _needed_ him. Not because of the baby, but because she'd fought this war to give them a chance to be together.

She'd fought this war for _him_.

The tears spilled over and Rennah gulped in air as she fought the rolling waves of pain and slowly got herself under control.

How long she sat there watching the ships she wasn't sure, but the sun slowly sank behind the horizon and the blue sky faded to brilliant oranges, dusky purples and finally into a midnight blue. Stars appeared, glowing brighter as the light faded, and Rennah stared up at them as ships trundled back and forth across the night sky. She fastened her eyes on the distant stars that glimmered down. Was James out there somewhere? Was he thinking of her like she was him? Wondering if she was alive? If she was waiting for him.

She hoped so.

"Shepard?" A figure loomed out of the shadows and Rennah jumped at the unexpected sound of Cortez' voice. He activated his Omni-tool and used it's light to find his way to her, shattering the peaceful darkness of the park.

"Jesus, Steve. Turn that off," she complained as she shielded her eyes.

He sat down beside her and flicked the orange glow off. "Sorry, but you _are_ sitting alone in the dark. Next time answer my messages so I don't have to track your omni-tool to find you."

Rennah sighed. "I needed to get out of the house and I lost track of the time. Did Anderson send you to fetch me home?" Bitterness leaked into her tone.

He chuckled. "No. I didn't have the guts to tell him that you'd taken off."

"I didn't take off," she grumbled. "I just went out, or am I not even allowed to do that anymore?"

Cortez was quiet for a moment and then he sighed. "We're supposed to be keeping an eye on you-" he put a hand on her arm when she went to interrupt him. "Not because Anderson thinks you're going to run away or anything, but because you had a serious head injury and your injuries need monitoring. And because, well, you haven't been yourself lately and we're worried about you."

Rennah closed her mouth with a snap and seethed for a moment, unhappy with the knowledge that her friends were acting as keepers.

"It's not just the pregnancy that's getting you down, is it?" Cortez asked hesitantly. He sighed. "I miss him too, you know."

She looked across at the pilot but couldn't make out much more than the gleam of his eyes in the darkness.

"Yeah," she said eventually, her tone softening. "I miss him, and I hate this place."

"Vancouver?" Steve sounded surprised, and Rennah managed a chuckle.

"No," she explained. "Earth. My childhood wasn't-" she searched for the right word. "It wasn't very pleasant. I didn't have a very nice time here, and when I left as a teenager I had no intention of coming back."

"And now you're here again, pregnant, and without James." Cortez's hand found hers and Rennah bit her lip as the simple gesture brought tears to her eyes. "You know he'll be back, don't you? I've known James a long time and there isn't anything that would stop him getting to you. He loves you."

Rennah would have cursed if she'd been able to speak over the lump in her throat as her treacherous emotions rose sharply. Instead, she nodded wordlessly and clenched her hands into fists, willing herself not to cry again. Cortez was right; James would come back to her. He had too. They had to get married and he had to meet their baby.

The pilot squeezed her hand. "I know what's it like to be alone, you know. If you ever want to talk, I'm here. And so is Jack and Anderson. You don't need to feel alone."

His words touched her and she nodded. "Thank you," Rennah drew in a breath. "I just … miss him."

Cortez let go of her hand and carefully pulled her into a half hug, wrapping one strong arm around her shoulders. "I know you do," he said softly. "I do too."

Neither of them spoke as a large transport took off from the space port, it's engines glowing blue as it fought free of the Earth's gravity and accelerated out of the atmosphere. Rennah watched in silence and sighed as she let herself rest against her friend, the knot of tension still pulling tight inside of her, but hurting just that little bit less. The ship vanished into the night sky, a twinkling light lost amongst the other stars floating in the midnight blue void.

Somewhere out there the Normandy was bringing James home, and when he finally got here she'd be waiting.

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**A/N – We're so close to the end now! :) Thank you again for reading along and I hope you enjoyed this chapter.**


	79. The Last Day On Earth

_Disclaimer: I don't own Mass Effect_

**A/N - Thank you so much to the wonderful people who reviewed my last chapter! Wow! It really meant a lot! Thank you also to the people reading along. I hope you all enjoy this chapter!**

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_The graves are too small._

The though flittered through Rennah's mind so fast she almost didn't register it, but as she walked through the makeshift cemetery for the Citadel victims of the reaper attack, the thought returned again. Row after row of endless graves marked only with a small block of stone with the victim's name and dates on it. It was cold. Impersonal. Emotionless.

_Small._

She deserved more, so much more.

Guilt writhed in her belly for getting her friend involved in the war, for not letting her run away and hide like she'd intended. Kasumi should have survived; she was a survivor. But she'd talked her into helping out and it had cost her life.

_I'm so sorry, Kasumi._

There hadn't been much of her body left to identify, or so she'd gathered from Jack's whispered conversations with Anderson. Most of Kasumi's remains had been processed by the keepers. Anderson and Jack had tried to hide it from her, to keep things quiet, but Cortez had told her the truth. He'd dealt with loss before, he knew that details like that would come out eventually and would hurt more later on.

So she'd mourned quietly, the guilt weighing so heavily that some mornings it was hard to get out of bed. But she'd made herself get up. Day after day. Week after week. Month after month. Time marched on, dragging her along.

Anderson, Jack and Steve were doing everything they could to help her recover, and she didn't have the heart to tell them how hard she found it on Earth. It was little things that she didn't feel comfortable bringing up that bothered her; the ground didn't move right for one thing, and she found it hard to sleep without the distant hum of an Eezo core or the gentle whisper of the air filtration.

And of course, there was the baby.

Rennah sighed as she reached the correct row number and began to walk towards her friend's final resting place, counting graves until she reached the right granite square and stopped in front of it. Kasumi would have hated to have been buried in such a sterile and unfriendly place. She had been the kind of girl who liked overblown romance and mystery – she'd have wanted a towering marble tomb or a gothic weeping angel.

Not this.

"Hey Kasumi." She reached out and touched the grave as she spoke, stroking the cool stone. "I don't know if you can hear me or if you'll even care, but I wanted to say sorry. I'm so sorry for getting you caught up in the war and for getting you killed. You could have run and kept safe, but I asked you stay and I'm so sorry."

The wind picked up and she paused as she pushed her short hair behind her ears. "I wish you were here. I could use someone to talk to. Jack's great, but she never made me smile like you did, and Cortez, well, you never really met him, but he has his own ghosts." Rennah almost laughed at her choice of words. "Ghosts. I suppose if they do exist then maybe an afterlife exists too. And if that's the case then maybe you found Keiji. I hope you did. I hope you're happy."

It felt strange talking to a block of stone, and Rennah sighed as the knowledge that this was all that was left of her friend hit home, weighing heavily on her shoulders. The woman who had brought so many smiles and so much laughter into her life really was gone; another victim of the reapers. How many more people would she lose? Was she waiting on the Normandy's return in vain? Were her friends all gone?

Was James gone?

_No. She had to stay positive._

Rennah sighed and placed the roses on Kasumi's grave, the heavy knot in her chest tightening.

"I had a baby," she said suddenly, not sure why she was telling this to her friend's grave, only knowing that she had to tell someone. "I mean, a _have_ a baby. A little girl. I haven't named her yet because I want to wait for James, you met James." Rennah smiled sadly, remembering the way Kasumi had helped her drive James mad when she'd been stuck on Earth. The smile faded as the heaviness returned and she sighed.

"I'm not doing so great with it. I'm trying, I really am, but I'm so scared I'm going to mess this up. I want to love her and be a good mum, but I'm so tired all the time. I feel like I'm cut off, like I'm all alone even though I know I'm not. The doctors think it's because of my head injury, but there isn't much they can do short of medicating me and there's a big enough shortage of medication after the war that they can't." She pulled a face. "I spend a lot of time with psychologists talking about my feelings. I don't know if it's helping, but I'm trying. We're all trying."

The breeze picked up again, whipping up dead leaves and blowing Rennah's short hair into her face. She looked down at the grave for a long moment and then sighed. "I'm going to go now, but I wanted to say thank you for helping in the war. You made a difference and you were my friend, and I miss you." Her voice cracked and she paused, swallowing hard to keep the emotions from welling up. "Goodbye Kasumi."

"That was beautiful."

Rennah turned at the unexpected voice, a simmering anger swelling up as she'd realised she'd been followed, though it subsided when she realised it was Cortez. It was hard to stay angry at him after how helpful he'd been with the baby and the later stages of her pregnancy.

She turned to face him with a raised eyebrow. "You know, I asked you to wait at the car," she said as she walked over to him, her eyes taking in the small wriggling bundle in his arms. "I wanted to do this alone."

"Yeah, I know." Cortez threw an apologetic look in her direction. "But Anderson wants us to keep an eye on you, so it was either me or the goons."

He gestured the way they'd came and she saw the shapes of two big marines loitering by the sky car. _The goons_ , as she liked to refer to them, had been officially assigned to her for protection - though Rennah suspected it was less about that and more about keeping tabs on her. Anderson hadn't made it any secret that he was concerned about her state of mind, and really, she couldn't blame him.

She'd spent much of the last few months in a haze of numbness. It was as though she were watching her own life on a screen, like she was somehow separate from everything happening around her. She attended doctor visits, physiotherapy, and prenatal sessions in a daze, always feeling as though she were half asleep.

It wasn't as though she hadn't tried to snap herself out of it either, she had, and some days she felt almost normal again. But it never lasted and inevitably the heavy despair that was her constant companion would begin tugging on her with its sticky strands, threatening to drag her back into the numbness of her depression.

"She cried as soon as you left her," Cortez added as he handed over her little child. "I don't think she likes the rest of us very much."

Rennah tensed as the baby squirmed, still awkward and unsure with the little girl. "You know very well that she likes you, Steve."

"Of course she does, the girl has taste." Steve grinned. "But you're her mother and she cries when you leave her."

They walked back to the car slowly, huddled into their coats against the cool breeze that was blowing in from across the bay. The baby wriggled and starting grizzling and Rennah shushed her as she slid into the back of the sky car and strapped her into the baby seat. She was a cute little girl, Rennah could admit that much; with pale skin and lots of dark hair. Her fists flailed angrily as she was strapped down and she voiced her disapproval in a piercing cray that made her mother wince.

Steve laughed. "Aaaw, she takes after you! Look at those little fists fly!"

"Shut up." Rennah finally finished strapping the infant down and sat back herself, uncomfortably aware of the Normandy's shuttle pilot watching at her. 'What?" she bit out eventually, shifting under his gaze.

"I have a surprise for you," he said mysteriously.

She frowned. "What is it? The last _surprise_ you got me ended up being that session with the old bag who specialised in helping mothers bond with babies – and we all know how that ended."

 _That_ had been an experience and a half; the elderly woman had been totally unreasonable and the session had ended when Rennah stormed out with her baby. In retrospect it _had_ brought them closer together because neither she nor her daughter had especially enjoyed that experience.

"No." Cortez tilted his head and gave her a small smile. "You'll like it though."

"We'll see."

It sounded bitchy even to her, and she inwardly winced as Cortez' smile wilted around the edges. Jesus, what was wrong with her? Her friend had organised a surprise for her and instead of cheering up she'd looked for the negative and pounced on it. Rennah sighed guiltily sank lower in the seat, the heavy feeling settling back in her chest as she contemplated apologising.

"Shepard." Cortez paused and took a deep breath, fiddling with his dog tags and avoiding her eyes. "Jack and I are worried about you. You can't keep going on like this, you know."

Rennah froze, a horrible panicky feeling sweeping through her. "I'm doing fine," she said shakily.

"No, you're not." He glanced down at her daughter and leaned across to stroke her tiny face. "You can't keep putting your life on hold because James is gone. Your daughter deserves better than that. She needs a name and you need to start bonding with her, and caring for her. Jack and I are happy to help out, you know that, but you need to make an effort."

His words hit her like a ton of bricks, and for the first time in weeks the numbness around her gave way to a frightening wave of fear.

She straightened in her seat. "I am caring for her-"

"Bullshit!" Cortez interrupted. "Unless Jack or I make you, you rarely hold her or play with her. You don't try to soothe her if she cries. Hell, you even prefer one of us to feed her." His face softened. "I know it's hard, I know you're depressed and the doctors are trying to help, but you need to try too. You need to make more effort instead of letting us do everything for you. You need to get up at night if she cries! You need to hold her! You need to _name_ her!"

The words hurt, partially because they were true and partially because she didn't want to hear them. She'd known all along she was going to be a bad mother; she didn't need to have one of her only friends point it out and tell her to do better when she was already trying her hardest.

Rennah drew in a deep breath and tried to keep her cool. "Steve, I-"

"No more excuses. We don't know when James will be back, and you need to step up. Stop sitting through your doctor appointments like an automaton and start _listening_ to them. Help yourself!"

His words stung and she turned away as she clenched her teeth so hard they ached. It was infuriating that he thought wasn't trying when she was giving it her best shot – and it wasn't as easy as just _trying harder_! Of course she wanted to feel that connection with her daughter! She wanted to hold her and love her and think of happy things instead of thinking about James.

The car seemed to close in around her and Rennah concentrated on taking one breath after the other to calm herself. It didn't work, and the feeling of being trapped grew and grew until it was all she could think about. The roaring in her ears drowned out anything Cortez might have been saying, and with a low gasp she undid her seat belt.

"Pull over," she managed to rasp.

Cortez blinked. "What?"

"I need to get out. Pull over." She let her belt retract as Cortez gave the order and the car slowed and stopped. The baby began to cry as though she sensed the tension in the air.

Cortez reached out and tried to catch her hand. "Rennah, what are you-?"

"I need air." She snatched her hand away and without thinking too much about what she was doing, she undid the belt across her baby and took her in her arms.

Rennah vanished out the car door before Cortez could ask what she meant to do, and the cool afternoon breeze immediately swirled around her, easing some of the tension. The Bay stretched before her with sparkling blue water and she held the little baby to her chest and started to walk. Cortez would follow her, she knew that, but she needed to get away from him for just a moment and cool down.

In truth, she needed to get away from his accusation and his blame, and away from the fact that everything he was saying was the truth; she was a bad mother.

Her daughters screaming grew louder as Rennah walked faster, and with a frustrated sound she stopped and sank down on a nearby rock at the edge of the water. She shushed her quietly and gently rocked her, sniffing and trying to hold back her own tears of frustration.

_Why wouldn't she stop?_

"Please stop crying, little bug," she pleaded. "Please."

The little baby ignored her, and the wailing continued. Rennah bit the inside of her lip as tears swam in her eyes and, with a small sound of frustration, she picked up and nearby rock and hurled it out into the water, watching as the stone sailed out over the Bay and vanished with a _sploosh_.

"This is stupid," she muttered to herself. "If James was here he'd probably slap me on the back of the head for being such a useless mother." Almost as soon as she mentioned James' name, her daughters crying lessened, and Rennah snorted softly as she looked down at her. "You like it when I talk about your father, don't you?"

She sighed; if only James had come back before she had been born, then everything would have been different. They could have done this together, like she'd hoped they would. He would have been able to help her learn how to look after the little life she'd given birth to, and, unlike her, he would have been able to give her the love she deserved. Rennah looked down as the baby finally settled in her arms, hiccupping and sniffling as she stopped crying.

"Your dad is a pretty special guy," she told the baby haltingly, speaking around the lump in her throat. "He's brave and handsome and one of the best men I know, and I love him-" Her voice cracked and with a small sob, hot tears spilled from her eyes and trickled down her cheeks. She held the little baby closer, cradling her gently. "I love you too, I swear I do. I know I'm not a very good mother, but I want to be, I just … I just miss him. I miss him all the time."

All the tears she'd held in, and all the pain and loneliness she'd buried inside of her welled up and she finally let herself break down. As she cried she told her daughter about James; about the brave things he'd done in the war and all the ways he'd saved her life. She talked and cried until the sun dipped low on the horizon and the stars came out, sparkling like diamonds that a giant hand had scattered in the dusky blue sky.

Finally, she ran out of things to say and she just cried, letting everything out that she'd been holding in. As she let the tears roll down her face, something latched onto her finger; a tiny hand with a firm grip. Rennah blinked away tears and sucked in a surprised breath as she looked down into the face of her daughter - who had latched onto her finger with one hand and was looking up at her.

She was such a sweet little girl, so innocent and lovely, and a swell of emotion flooded through Rennah. She heard the sound of someone approaching and knew Cortez was nearby, but she ignored him and focused on the child in her arms.

"I'm sorry," she whispered to her when she found her voice. "I'm a horrible mother and I'm so sorry that I'm so bad at this. It's not your fault and I love you. I really do."

The little girl put her fist in her mouth and sucked as she looked up, watching her mother intently. Rennah sighed and rocked her as she listened to the gentle lapping of the water on the shore and looked out at the stars. There on the horizon she could see the constellation Lyra with the star Vega shining brightly. It brought tears to her eyes again, but she determinedly blinked them away.

"That's your father's star." She pointed to the brightest of the twinkling lights in the constellation and looked back down as her daughter made a small sound that could have been anything, but which she chose to think was a happy sound. "You know," She supported her daughters head and carefully brought her up to her chest, laying her there as she watched the lights in the sky. "Lyra isn't a bad name for a pretty little girl like you. It has music to it and I think your dad would approve." She smoothed a hand down her daughters back. "Lyra." She tasted the name on her lips and nodded. "I like it."

Behind her, Cortez cleared his throat. "I think James will too," he said softly.

"Thanks." Rennah managed a smile and shifted over to make room so he could sit beside her. "Have a seat."

Cortez joined her. "You seem like you're feeling better?" he commented.

"I am," she agreed. The knot in her chest had loosened and she felt lighter than she had in months, though whether that was because she'd finally let herself cry or because she had taken the first few steps in getting to know her daughter properly, she wasn't sure. "Thanks for giving me some time alone."

"I figured you needed it." He glanced out at the setting sun and drew in a breath. "And I'm sorry for what I said in the car. I know you're trying. It's just hard for me to see you struggling like this when you're such a strong person. I just … I _know_ it's not logical and I shouldn't have told you to try harder. I'm just frustrated."

Rennah nudged him with her shoulder. "I think maybe I needed to hear it. It isn't fair for me to rely on you and Jack so much. I'll try to do better; for Lyra if not for myself."

They sat in silence for a while longer and then Cortez stood up and clapped his hands together to get her attention. "Right, we need to get moving if you want your surprise."

"So where is this surprise?" She stood and glanced at her daughter as she let out a happy squeal and refused to let go of her finger.

Cortez grinned at the baby and led the way back to the sky car. "It's at home."

He ushered her into the car, helped her strap in Lyra and then they were off again, the goons wisely choosing not to say anything about her long absence. They set off again and she relaxed … until she realised they were heading in the wrong direction. A prickling feeling of panic spread over her skin and she glanced at Cortez - who was looking _exceptionally_ pleased with himself.

The feeling of foreboding vanished; he was up to something.

"We're going in the wrong direction," she said suddenly.

Cortez smirked. "What are you talking about? We're going home."

"Cortez!" She put as much authority into her tone as she could, confusion and excitement warring inside of her. "What the hell is going on? Where are we going?"

"We're going home," he said again, and this time the mischievous glimmer in his eye was unmistakable. She narrowed her eyes and he laughed. "Okay, okay. Don't give me the glare. Look, all I'll say is this; I might not be able to magically bring James home and make you happy again, but I can do something to make you feel a little better."

He pointed out the window as he spoke and Rennah glanced out, her breath catching as she recognised the spaceport. The sky car landed and Cortez hurried her onto a small shuttle, leaving the goons behind at the car. From there he got his clearance from the space port and piloted her away from the glowing lights of Vancouver and towards the twinkling stars in the sky above.

Rennah's heart leapt as he aimed the shuttle at the Citadel which was still orbiting the Earth, and she looked across at him with wide eyes. She wanted to say something, to ask what was going on, but the words stuck in her throat. He met her gaze as he brought them into the docking bay and landed, grinning at what she could only imaging was the startled look on her face.

"Come on, Jack and Anderson are waiting at your apartment." He picked up her bag and chuckled as she shot out of her seat as though it had burned her.

" _My apartment_?" she repeated as she hurried to catch up with him. "Wait, when you say _my apartment_ , do you mean my _actual_ apartment? The one Anderson gave to me?"

Cortez laughed. "You'll see soon enough, come on."

He led the way across the docks and they caught another sky car, this one was beaten up and rickety, but it seemed to have survived the reaper attack on the Citadel fairly intact. She bugged Cortez the entire way to the Silversun Strip; firing off questions at lightning speed and excitedly looking around. For the first time in months she felt more like herself again; free of the constant weight and pressure of Earth and all her history there.

The Citadel actually looked better than Earth did, Rennah realised as they flew in low. It was still being repaired, but a lot of the damage looked superficial instead of structural – though it was due no doubt to the keepers who were scurrying around repairing buildings and technology. And the Silversun Strip, when they finally reached it, looked almost untouched. Nothing was open and most of the signs and lights were broken, but the buildings all looked the same.

It felt like home.

Cortez landed and led her up to the apartment and he grinned at her as he opened the door and ushered her in with a flamboyant wave. "Welcome home, Commander."

Rennah's jaw dropped as she walked into the apartment. It had obviously undergone renovations judging from the smell of fresh paint that hung in the air, but she'd never have known it had gone through a war. The horrible artwork was gone, stolen no doubt during the darker days at the end of the war, and the new furniture was much more tasteful. She jiggled her daughter absent-mindedly as she looked around, finally settling her gaze on the small group of people standing in her living room.

She swallowed self-consciously as Cortez took Lyra from her and gently prodded her forward to where Anderson, Jack, and Bailey were waiting.

"Did you guys do all of this?" she asked.

Jack grinned. "What, did you think we planned to leave you in that shitbox on Earth forever?" She strode forward and pulled Rennah into a tight hug. "We all did the work, but it was Anderson's idea. I think the old man felt bad about having to throw you into civilian life."

"What's this old man business?" Anderson swatted Jack away and gave Rennah a hug of her own. She closed her eyes and hugged him tightly, holding onto him for a long time, the emotional prickling behind her eyes alarming her.

"Shit," she complained as she pulled back and wiped her eyes. "These fucking hormones have me crying at the drop of a hat."

He rolled his eyes. "Yeah, blame the hormones. It couldn't possibly be the fact that your friends have spent the last few months getting this place back into shape for you, could it?"

She flashed him a watery smile and sniffed. "How did you guys do this?"

"It wasn't that hard." Anderson clapped her on the back. "The place was still standing and in good condition, and I roped these slackers into helping me get it ready for you."

"Helping you?" Jack crossed her arms across her chest and raised an eyebrow. "Seems to me that Cortez and I did all the work while you and Bailey here stopped by occasionally to help out."

"You helped, Bailey?" She grinned at the grizzled C-Sec officer. "I'm flattered."

He chuckled and raised a beer at her in a salute of sorts. "Anything for the lady who kicked those reaper bastards right where it hurt. Besides, you know I have kids of my own and none of these guys knew a thing about making a nursery."

"You made me a nursery?" Tears began to well in her eyes at the unexpected gesture and she furiously blinked them away. "Okay, I need a tour so you can show me this."

Jack, Bailey and Cortez immediately began to bicker about which of them would show her the nursery, but Anderson shushed them all.

"Before we do that, I have one other surprise for you." He stepped forward and caught Rennah's hand and flashed her a smile. "It's about the Normandy."

Her heart leapt. "Have they found it?"

He shook his head and squeezed her hand reassuringly. "Not yet, but we have some news for you at least. One of our deep space scouts found the wreckage of an Alliance dreadnaught, the Orizaba, and they found one of the Normandy's beacons nearby."

"So they're okay?" She knew she was clinging to Anderson's hand a little too hard, but she couldn't seem to let go.

_Please let them be okay._

He nodded. "They're fine. The beacon had information on the Orizaba and the Normandy. It listed survivors, their intended flight path, and their cruising speed."

"Thank God." The relief that rushed through her body left her lightheaded. "So James is okay?" She glanced across as Jack made a small sound, her face white and tense. "Kaidan too?"

"They're both listed amongst the acting officers, as are most of the Normandy's ground crew. The pilot is alive and kicking as well, and your alien specialists are all still on board. They also picked up Admiral Hackett-"

Whatever else the Admiral might have been planning to say was drowned out as Rennah, Cortez and Jack all let out whoops of excitement. Rennah swooped up Jack in a hug and swung her around, then she moved in on Cortez, took Lyra from his arms and gave him a side hug as they all grinned at one another.

"Holy shit, he's okay," Cortez kissed both of the cheeks. "I told you he'd be fine."

"I knew he would be. Kaidan too." She looked over at Jack and grinned at the ridiculously dazzling smile on the biotic's face; that was a woman in love if ever she'd seen one. They exchanged another hug and Rennah turned back to Anderson, jiggling the baby happily. "How long until they're back?"

Anderson grinned. "That's the best news of all, they should be entering the Sol system within two months."

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**A/N - There is one more chapter to go, and also an epilogue. We're almost at the end! Thank you all so much for sticking with me on this journey! I hope you enjoyed this chapter! Feedback is always loved.**


	80. Diamonds

_Disclaimer: I don't own Mass Effect_

**A/N - Well, here it is - the last chapter! Okay, so I _do_ have an epilogue to go which is set a few years in the future, and I'll be posting that asap as well. But this is where this story ends. Thank you very much to everyone who has read along with this story, given me encouragement, and especially to those wonderful people who left me feedback - particularly to those who left reviews for every chapter! *hugs* I'm sad to be here at the end of the story, but I know I'm going to be writing lots of oneshots about Rennah and James. (The art for this chapter on AO3 and Tumblr is by XandraSketches)**

**I hope you enjoy this!**

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After almost nine months of painfully slow and incredibly boring space travel, the Normandy was home. James jiggled slightly as he felt the tell-tale bump of the Normandy docking with the Citadel, and a wave of butterflies chased themselves through his belly; finally, after all this time apart he was going to see Rennah again.

The knowledge that he was minutes away from seeing her burned within him, and he impatiently shuffled in place. He ached to hold her again, to feel her lips against his, and smell that spicy biotic scent that was locked into his brain as _Rennah_. But more than anything else, he wanted to reassure himself that she was really okay, that she was safe and alive.

Hearing the news via Hackett was one thing, but until he laid eyes on his girl, until he held her and could feel her under his hands, it wouldn't be real.

With the QEC down they'd only been able to make contact with Earth once they decelerated from FTL travel and entered the Sol system. Not that they'd had to wait long, in fact, to their surprise they hadn't even been within range for more than a few minutes before the Alliance contacted _them_ and explained that they'd been expecting their arrival. Admiral Anderson himself had contacted the Normandy and spoken to Hackett, who had relayed to crew that their missing friends and crew members were alive and waiting for them on the Citadel.

Miranda, Zaeed, Cortez, Jack _and_ Shepard were all alive and well.

James could still remember the cheers that had gone up all over the ship, and he'd never forget how tightly Kaidan had hugged him. The look on his face had been haunting, and he'd realised that despite all of his reassurances Kaidan had been terrified that he'd never see Jack again. He hadn't needed to say a thing; the way he'd clutched James in relief had been enough.

The Normandy was instructed to dock at the Citadel, and was informed that news of their arrival had spread and that a press conference was scheduled for later that night. Hackett and Kaidan were asked to attend as the two men who had been in command of the Normandy, and James found himself grateful that he was off the hook and could spend time with his Lola. Without a doubt he'd be called on multiple times over the next few days as they were all debriefed, but for tonight he and Rennah could be alone.

"Damn, Vega! You look like you're about to jump out of your skin," Joker commented as he hobbled down from the cockpit, evidently having turned control of the ship over to the young pilot from the Orizaba.

Joker looked haggard, as though he hadn't sleep for days, and James thought it likely he hadn't. The man spent most of his spare time with Garrus and Tali, trawling through the Normandy's backup files to try and find some kind of start-up program for EDI. Her body was gone, but her AI core was functioning again – they just couldn't seem to get it started. There was still hope that they could get her back, but the longer they looked and failed to find the program, the more hope seemed to fade.

James grinned as the pilot joined the growing crowd waiting at the airlock. It seemed as though everyone was just as desperate as him to leave, though they'd be doing so in an orderly fashion; Hackett first, followed by the officers and then the rest of the crew. James had never been so glad to be an officer as he was then; he didn't want to wait a moment longer than necessary to see Rennah.

The crowd near the airlock parted politely as Hackett approached in full dress uniform with Kaidan at his side. The two men stopped near James, and Hackett nodded at him politely, his eyes briefly sweeping over his grey Alliance t-shirt before a small smile pulled at the corner of his lips and he looked away.

"You didn't get the memo about dress uniform, Vega?" Kaidan asked as he tugged at the collar of his blues.

James grinned. "No, I got it. But I don't have a dress uniform on the Normandy and no one has one that will fit me. I left Vancouver in a bit of a hurry, you might remember. And it never seemed important to pick up another one."

Kaidan laughed softly and patted him on the shoulder. "Shit, wished I'd thought of that."

The airlock door began to cycle and Hackett called for quiet, reminding everyone again that they needed to follow Alliance disembarking protocols, but once they were out of the public eye they could do as they wished.

Joker scoffed beside him and James glanced down.

"What?" he asked.

"Just the farce of trying to keep everything formal and by the books. I always appreciated Shepard's ' _open the door and set us free'_ policy." Joker rolled his eyes as he spoke. "Plus, the Citadel is still pretty beat up and from what I could see, Earth is looking even worse. I'm not sure if Hackett is expecting a big welcome party, but I wouldn't count on it."

Kaidan frowned at the pilot and James only just stopped himself from commenting on the man's negativity. He had to remember that Joker had lost EDI, and he was still seeing the world through dark glasses. The airlock opened before he could say anything in return, and a wave of noise washed into the Normandy; the loud murmur of a crowd, the sound of cameras and recording drones, and the shuffle of what sounded like hundreds of feet.

"So much for not having a big crowd," Kaidan said quietly.

Hackett looked back at them and nodded. "Okay, people, let's do this."

James sucked in a breath as Hackett crossed the threshold and left the Normandy, his senior officers following directly behind him, then Kaidan and most of the ground crew and officers from the Normandy. James stepped over the lip of the airlock, his body tight with nerves and tension as he scanned the crowd for Rennah as he exited.

There was a sea of people outside the Normandy; most of them civilians and reporters being held back by C-Sec. A cluster of Alliance officials were standing ahead of them and James eagerly scanned their faces; he saw Anderson and Cortez, but no Jack and Rennah. He looked again and his stomach fell as he realised they weren't there.

_Where were they?_

"James, do you see them?" Kaidan leaned over to ask him, a line etched between his brows as he watched Hackett and Anderson step forward and shake hands. The two Admirals bent close and exchanged words, and James tore his eyes from them, desperately scanning the crowd again.

_They had to be here._

But they weren't

"No, they're not here." Some of the excitement drained out of him and Kaidan visibly drooped. James nudged him with an elbow. "Shit, there has to be a reason. C'mon."

Cortez was making his way over to them with a huge smile, and as he cleared the last of the people in front of him he clasped Vega in a crushing bear hug. James couldn't stop the grin that spread over his face and he hugged his best friend, but the need to find Rennah had him drawing back quickly.

"Esteban! It's good to see you buddy, but-" James started to ask the burning question, but his friend cut him off with a laugh.

"It's good to see you too, Mister Vega, but I'm guessing it's not really me you're wanting to see, is it?" Cortez looked smug and secretive.

"Is she here?" James looked around but still didn't see Rennah. The drive to find her was a pulsing need in the back of his head, growing in intensity; if this was a game, he wasn't going to play it. He fixed Cortez with a firm stare. "Come on, Esteban! Where is she?"

Cortez grinned. "Easy there, big guy! Rennah and Jack are back there," he jerked his thumb at one of the doors leading to the private offices behind them. "But James, there's something you need to know-"

James didn't wait for Cortez to finish, and shot off in the direction of the offices he'd indicated with Kaidan a step behind him. Cortez shouted for them to stop, but James couldn't have stopped himself if he'd tried. He couldn't hear anything except the pounding of his heart and the constant driving beat inside his body to find Rennah. To see her. To touch her. To hold her. The scream overwhelmed everything else, and he barely noticed when he almost bowled over a group of civilians celebrating the Normandy's return.

His hands were trembling as he reached the door and fumbled at the button to open it, the seconds passing in what felt like ages as it scanned his omni-tool and admitted him. It slid open and Kaidan crowded behind him impatiently, just as desperate as he was to get in. James stepped inside, his heart almost burst with relief as finally, _finally_ , after nine months apart he saw Rennah.

She was bent over something with her back to him, but he'd have known the line of her body anywhere.

"Lola?" he said quietly, hesitantly taking a step towards her.

Rennah straightened and turned to face him. Her eyes widened and with a sob she left whatever she was doing and flung herself at him. James caught her to his chest, spinning her around and staring up into her beautiful eyes. _God, he'd missed her._ She wrapped her arms tightly around his neck and pulled him into a kiss without saying a thing.

_They didn't need words._

The blinding passion of the kiss sent shockwaves through James, and he lowered her feet to the floor without breaking the kiss; unwilling to relinquish the feel of Rennah against his body, the taste of her mouth against his, or the faint tingle of her biotics along her skin. It was Rennah who drew back first, laughing as his lips chased hers for another kiss.

"James," she breathed his name as her hands fluttered over his chest and down his arms, as though making sure he was really there. "I thought I was never going to see you again."

"I thought the same thing," he confessed. "I missed you so much."

He kissed her again before she could pull away, long and deep, twirling his tongue against hers as he hauled her close. She fit against him perfectly, and James couldn't resist running his hands down her body, sliding them along her waist and down her thighs. She murmured against his lips and he broke away with several smaller kisses, his blood singing with happiness.

As she drew back, James reached up a hand to cup her face, his eyes wandering over her features as he noted changes in her that only a lover would see. She was thinner and had less muscle definition, her hair was shorter than it had been, and there were faint scars over her body where wounds had healed. She'd been hurt, and hurt badly, he could tell that with only a glance.

But she was _alive_.

Something flickered through her eyes; fear, guilt, and uncertainty, and James froze, wondering what had put the expression on her face. Rennah reached up and caught his hand, then linked her fingers with his as she held it in front of them. Behind them, Kaidan and Jack were locked in a passionate embrace, but James' gaze only briefly flicked to them before he looked back at the woman he loved.

"There's something I need to tell you and I'm not really sure how to say it," she said quietly. He watched as she swallowed and then took a step back pulling him with her. "It's nothing bad," Rennah added hastily. "I just … don't know how to say it."

"Just tell me." James grinned easily and squeezed her hand. "Shit, Lola. Whatever it is … ," his words dried up as he finally saw what it was that Rennah had been bending down over earlier.

A stroller.

"Lola?" He froze in place as she tried to tug him back another step and he looked from it to her.

What the hell was going on? Rennah _hated_ children, hell, she was scared of them. So what was she doing with a tiny little baby? James glanced from her to Jack, but he couldn't imagine Jack looking after a baby either, and he shifted his puzzled gaze back to Rennah.

She gave him a little half-smile and pulled him forward so he could see the little baby properly. He'd spent enough time with his cousins and their children when he was a teenager to know that the baby was only young, maybe a few months old. Rennah squeezed his hand again and took a deep breath, looking from him to the baby and then back again.

"James, this is Lyra. She's your daughter."

 _Shock!_ It slammed into James like a sledgehammer and he wobbled unsteadily as his world shifted around him. He had to have heard wrong. How could Rennah have had his baby? Did she adopt? For a moment he stared stupidly at the little girl, trying to process how this tiny bundle could possibly be _his_ daughter.

"My daughter?" he repeated slowly, squeezing Rennah's hand so hard she winced. He let her go and took another step forward.

"Yes." She reached in and picked up the little girl, who James saw had a shock of black hair. She stirred slightly as she was lifted from the stroller, but stayed fast asleep.

She was the most beautiful thing he'd ever seen.

James reached out and hesitantly touched one of the tiny hands. "Like, mine _mine_?" he asked quietly, looking from the little girl to Rennah. A lump was rapidly forming in his chest, a tight ball of emotions that he was struggling to contain. He didn't want to misunderstand. "Like she's ours? As in … ." Rennah nodded and James stopped speaking as he struggled to breath. Tears well in his eyes and he wavered unsteadily again as emotion flooded through him.

This was his daughter.

This was _their_ daughter.

They'd made this little life together.

James steadied himself and pulled Rennah close so he could touch his forehead to hers, unable to believe she'd gone through this without him. "Shit Lola, you were pregnant back in London?" he asked, and she nodded slowly in return. "You didn't know?"

Rennah shook her head. "Fuck no. I woke up after the crucible with a head injury that left me barely able to speak and a stomach that didn't leave much room to argue when Anderson told me I was pregnant-"

Before she could say anything else, James kissed her, a quick reassuring press of his lips on hers, then he grinned and looked down at the little girl between them.

"She's beautiful." He drew back and held out his arms, terrified and excited all at once. "Can I hold her?"

"Of course." She grinned at his nervousness and gently passed the little girl over to him, her eyes watching his every move as he settled Lyra in his arms.

He tried not to grin too much; _he'd known she'd be an amazing mother._

James looked up to find Jack and Kaidan watching them. The two had their arms firmly wrapped around each other - as though they couldn't bear to be apart. He knew how they felt, but he grinned proudly at Kaidan and nodded at his daughter.

"I'm a dad."

"So I see. Congratulations." Kaidan came over and peered at the baby, then clapped him on the shoulder.

He moved to Rennah's side and hugged her, whispering something in her ear before he and Jack retreated, giving them their privacy. James gently jiggled the baby in his arms, tears blurring his vision as he looked down at her. He hadn't known or even suspected that Rennah was pregnant, and though he couldn't have done anything when he was so far away in space, he ached to think of her going through the pregnancy and birth alone.

"I'm so sorry, Lola." He looked up and saw her watching them with an unusually soft expression on her face. "I know you must have been terrified. I should have been there."

James placed her back in the stroller; he didn't want to put her down, but at the same time he wanted hold Rennah again and make sure that _she_ was okay. He planted a very soft kiss on Lyra's forehead and started to straighten when he bumped the strolled slightly. The baby wriggled and yawned, and James froze, spellbound, as she opened her eyes a crack to stare at him for a moment before she closed them again.

"She's beautiful," he breathed as he stared down at the sleeping angel. " _Dios_ , I can't believe I missed out on so much."

Rennah rested her head against his shoulder as he watched his daughter drift back to sleep. "It wasn't easy," she admitted. "Being by myself, I mean. But Cortez was brilliant."

James dragged his gaze off his daughter and turned to face Rennah. He looped his arms around her waist. "Esteban helped out?"

"More than that. Everyone helped out – Jack, Anderson, and Miranda, even. But Cortez was incredible. He kept me together when I started to fall apart." James tightened his arms around her as Rennah's voice cracked, and she flashed him a thin smile, clearly holding back tears. "Sorry, I get so emotional now, it's ridiculous." She laughed nervously and leaned into him, pressing her cheek to his chest as though listening to his heartbeat. "But Cortez kind of stood in for you, I think. He didn't want me to feel alone, and he kept reassuring me that you'd be home to me soon and that nothing would keep you away."

"Damn right." James agreed. "Well, he's earned himself the godfather title, that's for sure."

Rennah nodded. "He has. Jack too. She and Cortez stayed with me, well, they're still staying with me now."

_They were living with her?_

He voiced his question out loud and she laughed, the sound music to James' ears after not hearing it for so long. "There is a considerable shortage of accommodation on Earth. The Citadel isn't much better, though the Keepers are fixing up more and more buildings each day, but there's still a shortage of places to stay. Cortez and Jack lived with me on Earth, and they've been staying with me in my apartment on the Citadel too." Rennah stepped close and slid an arm around his waist, pulling him to her. "You want to get out of here and go home?"

James nodded and his hand enveloped hers again. "Home sounds great."

Rennah flashed him another smile and set about settling Lyra in her pram. James watched, marvelling that this was the same woman who had been so terrified at the mention of having kids a few months ago that it had almost brought her to tears. She was so confidant and loving, just as a mother should be. He couldn't help but move closer to Rennah and hold her again, nuzzling her neck and kissing her softly.

"I can't believe we made a baby together," he told her quietly as he looked down at the little girl. "She's so perfect."

"Well," Rennah arched an eyebrow and a sneaky smile crossed her face. "Everyone does keep saying she takes after me."

James laughed and walked beside her as she pushed the stroller out of the room. Cortez was waiting for them outside with the rest of the Normandy crew, and James proudly showed off his daughter while Rennah greeted her friends. It was clear she was especially glad to see Garrus and Tali again, and both received very long hugs and kisses to their cheeks – though Tali complained half-heartedly about kiss marks on her mask.

Joker and Rennah teared up when they saw each other, and James' heart broke a little when Joker gave her the news about EDI. Despite how tough she'd always been, Ren cared for her friends and being the cause of EDI's death clearly cut deep. The two of them spoke quietly for a long time, frequently hugging, and when they parted, James wasn't surprised to see tears in Jokers eyes.

The others clustered around to greet her, even Javik, who graciously allowed Rennah to shake his hand, and Liara who have her a very tight hug.

Eventually the crowd thinned and the crew left with promises to catch up tomorrow at the apartment, and they were left alone with Jack, Kaidan and Cortez. James' head was spinning a little from all the noise and activity, and he wondered if Rennah was feeling it too. She'd never been shy, but she was certainly hunching in on herself. He slid an arm around her waist and pulled her too him protectively.

"Home time?" he asked, and she nodded.

Cortez led the way to his shuttle and ushered them in, managing to avoid the pockets of reporters who were lurking in the hopes of talking to the Normandy crew. The flight back seemed to perk Rennah back up again and James let himself relax as she chatted happily with Kaidan and Jack. James watched her interacting with the others, his heart aching with the simple joy of being with her again – to be able to reach out and touch her if he wanted to.

When they landed, he was surprised when Cortez came back and announced he was going to take Lyra for a walk down to the local café.

"To give you lot a chance to be alone," he explained with a slow smile. "I figure Lyra and I can go down and visit our favourite handsome barista, and have a coffee and bread husk." Cortez gave him a knowing look. "I know what it's like to be separated from the person you love for a long time. Whenever my husband came back from deployment we were inseparable."

Rennah snorted. "Jesus, Cortez. You sound like we're going to fall on each other like wild animals the instant we're alone."

"Speak for yourself, princess," Jack laughed. "I intend to get laid-"

"Okay, Jack." Kaidan slipped his hand over her mouth before she could elaborate, and a faint blush tinted his cheeks. "Let's not ruin the magic for everyone else."

James laughed and gave Cortez a quick appreciative hug. While he wanted to spend time with his little daughter and get to know her, his friend was right – he wanted to be alone with Rennah. He didn't care if they made love or if they just held each other. He _needed_ to be with her again.

Lyra was awake when he leaned down to say goodbye and she wiggled chubby little arms at him happily. Her black hair was the same shade as her mothers, James noticed, and her eyes were a shade of blue that he suspected was going to turn violet rather than brown. She was beautiful, and his heart contracted at the sight of his daughter; how was it possible that he'd made something so precious and amazing without even knowing it?

"Hey, _mija_ ," James said as he carefully picked her up and snuggled her close. "You don't know it yet, but I'm your dad." She let out a gurgle and reached a hand out, casually dragging it down his face. James grinned. "I'm looking forward to getting to know you too, and I promise that you're never going to have to do without me again." He carefully set her down in the stroller and looked over at Rennah. "And that goes for you too."

They left Lyra with Cortez and strolled up to the apartment arm in arm, their shoulders and hips bumping. Kaidan and Jack vanished into her bedroom on the lower floor as soon as they got inside and James grinned as Jack very firmly closed the door behind her and locked it. He followed Rennah up to her bedroom and, once the door was closed, pulled her too him, loosely resting his arms on her hips.

"So, this is home?" He glanced around; it looked different. Homelier. He liked it.

She nodded. "This is it. Eventually we'll have it all to ourselves."

"I like the sound of that." James slowly dipped his head to kiss her; a gentle brush of his lips on hers.

Rennah kissed him back, one hand tangling in his hair as she pressed close and took him to bed with her. They took their time undressing, enjoying the simple pleasure of being able to touch, hold, and kiss each other. James stroked fingers along her pale skin, touching each old scar and kissing the new ones, relearning the curves of her body. Her breasts were fuller, rounder, and her waist was softer; very feminine and beautiful.

He trembled as Rennah, not to be outdone, kissed his tattoos and sent flurries of excitement dancing over his skin. The sensation of her lips on his body was bliss, and he groaned wordlessly in pleasure as she took him in her mouth, using her tongue and teeth to drive him wild. He'd been alone for so long that it almost undid him, and he only lasted a few minutes before he desperately pulled her back up his body – his blood singing with need.

"James," she breathed his name and held him close, whimpering in need as he slid two fingers between her legs and found her already wet for him.

He kissed her urgently, driving his tongue into her mouth as he rolled and trapped her beneath him, his heart thundering with the desire to take her now. She responded eagerly and dragged her fingernails down his back as he settled into the cradle of her hips. James couldn't remember ever wanting her this much; he wanted to be inside of her, to hear her name on his lips over and over, to know that she was real and that he was home again.

Rennah wriggled against him impatiently, and finally James positioned himself at her entrance and began to push inside. He moved slowly, wanting the moment to last forever as he peppered gentle kisses all over her face. They rocked together with gentle thrusts and soft touches, clinging to one another; unwilling to let go even for a moment.

James wasn't surprised to find tears on Rennah's face or to find his own cheeks wet as he made love to her, and he brushed hers aside with his thumbs and kissed her again. Love welled up inside of him, an intense caring that was so strong he ached with the emotion. After all this time apart and fearing for so long that he'd lost her, they were finally together again.

Each slide of his body in hers sent ripples of pleasure through him, and the pleasure built inside of him in waves, pleasantly warm and tight as it spread through his body. They reached their climax at the same time, and James held Rennah tightly as they trembled together, overwhelmed with ecstasy as it flowed through them. He groaned her name quietly and folded her close as the pleasure abated.

"I missed that," Rennah drawled as she nestled her head on his chest, sounding sleepy and satisfied.

James snorted. "What just the sex? Not me?"

"Nope, didn't miss you at all. You can go now." Rennah joked, but her arms tightened around him and James knew there was no way he'd ever get free of her.

Not that he'd want to.

"Nice to see that motherhood has softened you," he nuzzled her face and then lay kisses over the tattoos on her neck, one for star in the tattoo. "But for the record, I missed that too."

Rennah grinned, her face inches away from him as they lay in each other's arms. "I'm softer," she admitted. "But I think it was you who changed me the most. I don't think I could have done this without believing you were out there on your way home. I love you."

"I love you too." James couldn't resist kissing her again. "And I love being able to look you in the eyes and say that again. Whispering _I love you_ to the stars each night just wasn't the same."

Her smiled widened. "At least I wasn't the only one speaking to stars." She reached out and traced a hand down his chest, tracing the path of his dog tags until she picked them up and tapped the engagement ring on there. "I thought you were supposed to wear an engagement ring on your finger?"

"Doesn't fit," James said, and he pulled his dog tags over his head and unsnapped them so he could pull the ring off. He glanced over at Rennah with a little smile and picked up her left hand so he could slide it onto her ring finger. "Seems to fit you though, and I think EDI would have liked you to keep it."

Rennah looked at the ring and drew in a shaky breath, then looked back at him with watery eyes. "I think so too. Thank you." She wiped her eyes and gave him a lopsided smile. "We're still engaged through, right?"

"Very much so," James agreed, and he tumbled her down on his chest. "We can have our wedding on the Citadel, and take our honeymoon on Earth while Cortez looks after Lyra. I want to show you all my favourite surfing spots, and if I can find my uncle Esteban I want you to meet him. And when we've had enough of crowds we can rent a cabin in the mountains and spend some time with just the two of us-"

"And a healthy supply of Blasto Bites?" Rennah suggested. James made a sound of agreement and kissed her until she broke away giggling. "Sounds like you've got it all worked out."

"Well, there's room for negotiation," James admitted, unable to stop smiling. "So long as I get to have you by my side, I'm willing to go anywhere and do anything with you."

"Good, because I don't plan on ever leaving your side again. I was lost without you. This," she tapped his chest and lay her hand over his heart, "this is home. You're my star, my love, my everything."

James blinked back tears and reached up to cup her cheek, tracing his thumb over her lips. "You're my whole world too, Rennah. You always have been. I was lost from the first minute I met you." He started to lean in to kiss her when he abruptly chuckled. "Or was it when you got stuck in your shirt and I saw your tattoos for the first time? You _were_ pretty hot-"

He grinned and ducked as Rennah playfully tried to punch his arm and, laughing, he caught her to him and held her close. Whenever the moment he'd fallen in love with his Lola, James knew he'd never find the words to express how much he loved her, and as she looked up at him and smiled so lovingly, he knew he wouldn't have to. The love in her eyes was all the reassurance he needed that she felt the same.

They were home.

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**A/N - Aaaw. I got a bit emotional writing this! I hope everyone enjoyed the last chapter. I'm going to try and get the epilogue up asap.**

**I wanted to take some time to thank some very special people who supported me throughout this story in different ways - Jules Hawk who really did help to inspire my writing and who encouraged and supported me non-stop, TLCinbflo for spending hours with me chatting headcanons, helping me figure out chapters when they got stuck and for the constant encouragement, and finally to Nicniviean who also spent hours chatting with me and encouraged me to take risks and write the story I wanted.**

**Epilogue to come soon!**


	81. Epilogue

**A/N – Here we are, the epilogue! This is less a final chapter as it is a little glimpse of Rennah and James a few years on. I hope you all enjoy this short bit of fluff! :) And thank you all for reading along! I can't tell you all how much it has meant to me!**

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"Well? How do I look?" Rennah asked and twirled in front of James, her purple and black lace dress fanning out around her prettily. "Do I still clean up okay?"

She seemed to glow in the reflected light of the apartment windows, the neon lighting from the Silversun Strip throwing a warm pink glow over her skin. Her eyes twinkled and she paused, striking a sexy pose as she waited for him to give his verdict. It was true that she had a few extra scars on her body, and a few more tattoos, but as far as James was concerned she looked lovelier than ever.

_Dios, he loved her! Possibly more now than he ever had!_

James whistled and wiggled his eyebrows. "Well, I still think you look sexiest when you're in armour and combat boots, but you damn pretty fine from where I'm standing."

Rennah laughed and peered into the mirror again. Her hair had been curled and piled up on top of her head, and she adjusted it slightly. "Unfortunately I might raise a few eyebrows if I turn up to the church in a full suit of armour." She grinned at him in the reflection. "I still can't believe this is finally happening."

"Me either." He took her elbow and steered her away from the mirror. "It took them long enough."

He spun her in his arms and rested his hands on her waist, easing her closer and dipping his head to carefully kiss lips that he was lucky enough to kiss most days. Rennah had a full face of makeup including blood red lips, and he didn't want to mess it up for her or get any of it on himself, so he kept it chaste and pressed his lips lightly to hers. She kissed him back carefully, but when he pulled away she still had to wipe a smear of red from his lips.

"I love you," she said softly. "I hope you never stop looking at me like that."

James smirked and traced the line of her jaw. "I love you too, and you'll always be beautiful."

_She did look especially lovely today_ , James thought as he followed her down to the living room where Liara and Kaidan were waiting for them. He watched as Rennah crouched to scoop Lyra up as she came bowling towards her mother at full speed - the long dress that their daughter was wearing doing nothing to hinder her enthusiastic movements. The two of them would never be mistaken as anything other than mother and daughter, as Lyra had her mother's hair and eyes.

_... and her temper._

"I don't want to sit with Liara in the church!" she said crossly as her mother hefted her into her arms. "I want to sit with you and daddy!"

Rennah swung her playfully through the air and then settled her on her hip. "Sorry, little bug, but mommy and daddy are going to be up the front of the church with Kaidan and Jack. You get to bring the rings down though, that's pretty exciting."

James had to hide a grin as their daughter gave Rennah a doubtful look. "But then I have to sit _down_ ," she complained. "It's not the same!"

" _Mi Estrella_." He got her attention and gave her a firm look. "You have to be a good girl today and show us you're mature enough to go to Grissom with Uncle Kaidan next month. That means being good and staying with Liara, okay?" He went to ruffle her hair but it was up in a similar hair style to her mother's so he settled for squeezing her shoulder, she nodded and he smiled at her. "You look very pretty."

"Thank you, daddy!" She glowed at his praise and her sour expression dissolved. "But not as pretty as mommy!" Lyra touched the jewellery Rennah wore, her small hands moving over the sparkling jewels. "Why don't you dress like this all the time? You look like a princess!"

Rennah laughed and exchanged a glance with James. "I'm not sure I'd be much good at catching bad guys dressed like this, honey."

"I bet you could though! Liara was telling me about the time you punched a Ya-arrrg," she stumbled over the unfamiliar word. "She says she'll tell me more stories if I'm good."

James grinned as Rennah's eyes flicked to Liara's and the asari shrugged innocently. "She wanted to know stories about you! How could I possibly tell her no?" she defended herself. "She's very persuasive!"

"Don't I know it," James agreed.

He took Lyra from Rennah's arms and lifted her up onto one shoulder. "And of course your mommy could fight bad guys in a dress. Your mother once took out a whole platoon of bad guys in a dress _after_ falling through the floor of a sushi restaurant-"

"Really?" Lyra broke in excitedly. She began firing off questions and he set her down on the floor again, patiently answering them, albeit in a G-rated fashion, until she wandered off to play with some of her toys, wisps of blue occasionally escaping from her as she used her biotics to float dolls and bears around.

She was going to be the youngest student at Grissom Academy, but her powers were already strong, and they'd made the decision to start her biotic training early, before she got her implant. The choice to send her to Grissom had been made easier now that Rennah was actively working as a Spectre again, and was facing the possibility of short stretches of time away from home on missions. James wasn't looking forward to that very much, but his own job teaching at N-School kept him busy, so he hoped he wouldn't have time to miss his daughter or worry about Rennah when she was away.

"I'm never going to live down that sushi restaurant, am I?" Rennah asked dryly.

James leaned close and kissed her cheek. "Not as long as I'm around, Lola."

"Or me," Kaidan chimed in weakly, though his teasing was half-hearted.

"Thanks guys." She rolled her eyes and crossed the room in a slow rolling walk, as comfortable in high heels as she was in combat boots.

She looked sexier than ever, James decided, and he knew he was staring as she moved to Liara's side. The asari had watched their family with amusement but she came forward now and embraced her friend happily. They didn't see each other as often as they liked, but whenever Liara or Javik were on the station they made a point of catching up, and when their schedules allowed they visited Liara on Thessia where she had made her home with Javik.

"You look wonderful," Liara gushed. "Is Jack ... ?"

"She's in the bedroom getting ready." Rennah lounged against the kitchen bench and picked up Jack's bouquet of black and purple flowers; roses, violets and an asari flower that resembled round black puffs balls. "Thank you for taking care of Lyra for us during the ceremony."

James couldn't help but notice that Kaidan gulped visibly at the mention of Jack's name and started pacing. He looked a little paler than normal, and his hands were thrust deep in his pockets as he wore a path in the carpet, his brown eyes pensive. James _almost_ felt sorry for him, but Kaidan had enjoyed teasing James far too much on his own wedding day, so he'd enjoyed watching the normally _cool-as-a-cucumber_ biotic crack under the pressure of his upcoming nuptials.

Liara joined Rennah at the bench. "It's no problem at all, and you know I love Lyra. Besides, Tali and Garrus' daughter will be there too, so she'll will have someone to play with. Are her biotics still developing?"

"Oh yeah," James joined them too and glanced over his shoulder at his little girl. "I mean, with all the biotic kids born since the war she's not unique or anything, but she'd definitely developing her powers a little earlier and faster than she should be. Kaidan and Jack agreed that Grissom would be a good place for her, especially with everything going on, isn't that right buddy?"

Kaidan glanced up distractedly. "What? Oh yeah, it'll be good for everyone."

Rennah looked troubled and she slowly spun the bouquet as she looked at her daughter. She didn't say what both of them were thinking; that the Leviathans had started to surface again. That their orbs had started turning up and that outlying colonies had started going quiet. Regular patrols were needed to check on colonists now, and the Alliance and Council were developing ways to monitor the orbs frequencies to detect them.

No one knew what the Leviathan were up to, but James knew that Rennah had never trusted them, and she'd pushed for active Spectre duty so she could join the rotation of Spectres hunting and destroying spheres.

The door the spare bedroom opened a crack, disrupting James' thoughts, and everyone turned as if on cue as Jack stuck her head through.

"I swear, if any of you laugh I'm going to crack skulls," she said by way of a greeting as she shoved the door open and stalked through, her long dress rustling behind her.

In true Jack fashion she'd flaunted tradition, and though she decided to wear a dress, it was a two toned purple and black silk with a fitted bodice and a long skirt with slits up the side. Her hair was piled high on her head, her tattoos were proudly on display, and her usual studded jacket had been cast side for a gauzy wrap. She looked beautiful, terrifying, and every bit the psychotic biotic who had led her biotic students to victory after victory in the Reaper War.

Only in a _dress_.

James glanced at Kaidan and smirked at the floored expression on the man's face. His mouth opened and closed wordlessly, a pink flush crept up his cheeks, and he had to visibly swallow before he could speak.

"You look … beautiful," he told her when he found his voice.

_Smooth,_ James thought, and made a mental note to tease Kaidan about it later.

Some of the defensive hostility faded from Jack and she flashed her dazzling smile at her soon to be husband. "Really?"

"Really." He held an arm out to her. "Are you ready to do this?"

She nodded. "Yes, let's go be husband and wife."

Kaidan chuckled as she took his arm. "You know, you're sounding just as dorky as me these days."

"Shut up!" Jack elbowed him playfully and scooped up her bouquet from Rennah. "You coming, princess? The wedding will happen without you there, you know. Just because you saved the galaxy doesn't mean it revolves around you!"

James grinned as Rennah rolled her eyes and took his arm. "Don't get your panties in a twist, I'm coming."

"And who says I'm wearing any?" Jack shot back, laughing to herself as Kaidan muttered something under his breath about Jack being the death of him.

The four the them trooped out of the apartment, and Liara herded Lyra out behind them, the excitable five-year-old running to catch up with the bride; pepping _Aunty Jack_ with questions about her dress, flowers, and _would her varren Eezo be at the wedding_? Eventually Kaidan caught Lyra and swung her up into his arms, carefully answering her questions about Eezo in a very serious tone. Jack was more flippant, and suggested that if Lyra was good she could ride Eezo when she came to Grissom Academy.

"She's going to regret saying that," James whispered to Rennah as their friends stepped into the elevator. He could barely contain his mirth; Lyra could be very literal at times and he could imagine their waif-like daughter riding Eezo around the Academy with Kaidan chasing after them.

Evidently Rennah could too, and she nodded her agreement. "God yes, she has no idea what she'd in for now."

They met each other's eyes with a knowing look and broke into identical grins, chuckling as they stepped forward and joined their friends, ready for whatever the world threw at them next. _This_ , James thought as the elevator doors closed, was what they'd been fighting for during the war. _For friends, for family, and for love. And yes, even for the chance to give overexcited five year old girls the chance to ride varren._

The End

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**A/N – And there we have it, the end of Lights in the Sky – though of course Rennah and James are going to have a few more stories told about them in oneshots! And it's safe to say that Jack and Kaidan may have a few as well. Possible even with Lyra and Eezo. Thank you so much to EVERYONE who has read along with this fic and left me reviews, sent me messages, or even just silently added me to your favourite or follow list. Thank you! I hope you've all enjoyed this story as much as me – I've enjoyed getting to know a lot of you along the way!**

**I have a lots more stories to write, so if you're interested I guess add me to you follow list! :) You can count on lots more James/femShep at the very least! :) A big thank you to Xandra-D who did the Art for this chapter at AO3.**


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